A Fool's Utopia 11.27.08: Thanksgiving TV Edition

Posted by Ron Martin on 11.27.2008

This week in one man's utopia I take you through the second annual Thanksgiving guide to TV, talk about my bitterness because of the success of Twilight, question Chinese Democracy and the Moss Man that I got for Christmas oh so many years ago. As a Thanksgiving bonus, I eat both the Burger King flavored chips so you don't have to!

Let me start things off by saying a happy Thanksgiving to you; a happy Thanksgiving to me; a happy Thanksgiving to the poor schmucks that have to deal with the retail madness at 5 in the AM tomorrow morning. May your turkey be plump and your pumpkin pie laced with whipped cream and Tryptophan. The best way to read this would be to do so before the festivities begin, but if you're half asleep with one hand in your pants and the other clutching a turkey leg, you'll get some value out of this as well. Of course you have to wake up first. WAKE UP!

It's time for my second annual guide to Thanksgiving Day TV. I know there are many days when you sit back on the couch intending on taking a small rest but end up spending the entire day flipping channels, watching a little bit of everything and all of nothing. The beautiful thing is that on Thanksgiving – that's what you're supposed to do. Well, other than stuffing yourself to the point where you can feel stuffing tickling your tonsils. Who need to be bothered with having to think about what to watch? That's too hard. I'm here to tell you what to watch. That's what friends are for.

9 AM – 12 PM: Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade, CBS or NBC



Do not fear the six story Scooby Doo for the six story Scooby Doo does not fear you. Honestly, this is easiest pick of the day. Thanksgiving doesn't have a ton of traditions outside of the turducken and the annual pounding of the Lions. When the opportunity presents itself to take part in one, you should. It's not as if you're going to watch the whole thing. Any self respecting person with a day off would sleep until at least 10 and then spend the rest of the time sneaking in and out of the kitchen grabbing a snack here and there while avoiding being pelted with a wooden spoon. Besides that, the parade (as I have said before) is a great snapshot of pop culture of that time. If that's not enough you will be introduced to a dozen "famous" people that you have no idea who they are and that's just got good time written all over it. Personally, I'm going with NBC's coverage this year.

12:00 PM – 12:30 PM: I Love Lucy, TVLand

TVLand is running it's annual Lucy marathon so when you got a kill a half hour, why not watch some Lucy. I believe it was Confucius that said there where no bad episodes of Lucy -- until they moved to Connecticut.

12:30 PM – 2:00 PM: NFL Football Tennessee Titans at Detroit Lions



I know what you're thinking. You're thinking "Why the hell would I want to watch the Detroit Lions?!" I'm going to tell you why. How many times are you going to get to watch an 0-11 team? This is a unique opportunity you have to take advantage of. There are always the Titans, a Super Bowl contender. If you love three running plays averaging between 2 and 5 yards followed by a 3 yard pass, then you will love watching the Titans. For most people, it's around eating time at the point and the game will just be background noise. That's the Lions motto. "Turn us on for background noise." This only covers about half the game anyway, you whine baby. The game will be over at that point.

2:00 PM – 4:00 PM: Rocky III, Vs.



There's only one bad Rocky movie. This ain't it. Mr. T, Hulk Hogan and the death of Mickey . Dare I say classic? What would you rather be watching – Tennessee trying to eat up clock to preserve their 20 point lead? All but one Rocky movie is worth watching at all times. This movie made Mr. T and Hulk Hogan known on a national level. It's worth a look just to see Paulie destroy the Rocky pinball machine.

4:00 PM – 4:30 PM: I Love Lucy, TVLand

If the Tryptophan hasn't kicked your ass yet, you have a half hour to kill until the next game – might as well watch some Lucy. If you prefer neurotic how-to book writers to whiny redheads, WGN is having a Newhart mini-marathon. Julia Duffy 80s style is worth a look. If you need something a little more modern or of the wall, check out the mini of Reno 911 on Comedy Central. It's okay. You have my permission.


4:30 PM – 6:00 PM: NFL Football Seattle Seahawks at Dallas Cowboys, FOX



People seem much more excited about this game, but I don't really know why. If you add the number of wins the Cowboys and Seahawks have together, that number is still less than the Titans have by themselves. Like the other game, catch the first half. It's all you'll need to see unless you have Marion Barber on your fantasy team. Then you might want to stay for the second half as he racks up the points and the Cowboys protect a three touchdown lead by that point. TO will already have done something offensive, so all you'll miss is who gets to eat leftover corn and beans out of a Tupperware bowl for being player of the game. This may be a good time to nap.

6:00 PM – 7:00 PM: Inside the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade, History

Might as well. By this point, you're already cramming a second plate of turducken, pickled beets and Aunt Mollie's homemade butterbean pie into your…well, piehole. They say turkey is a brain food., so why not learn something? I am absolutely sure that at some point they will try to blow up a large balloon and hilarious antics will ensue.

7:00 PM – 8:00 PM: Naptime.

You'll be passed out at this point. The channel could be turned to most anything for pleasant viewing every 15 minutes when you wake up groggy, look at the TV and decide to fall back asleep. Suggestions? TVLand has switched over to The Cosby Show, WGN is still with Newhart or if you really love watching 300 pound linemen eating pie, you can switch back to watch the end of the Seattle/Dallas game.

8:00 PM – 8:30 PM: A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving, ABC



Even though this just played Tuesday night, you probably missed it. Go ahead and watch it. It is Thanksgiving after all. Watching Snoopy, Charlie Brown and Peppermint Patty dining on jelly beans and pretzel sticks will make you feel better about even the crappiest made dish of macaroni and cheese. As an added bonus, the ever elusive Franklin plays a key role of sitting there and not talking. Don't miss the epic battle between Snoopy and a lawn chair.

8:30 PM – 9:00 PM: Jeff Dunham's Holiday Special, Comedy Central

While there's not a whole lot of holiday theming (outside of a song by Achmed) here, it's got to be better than the second episode of Charlie Brown that recreates the voyage of the Mayflower starring the Peanuts gang. While it's informative about the Pilgrim's plight, it's just plain boring. Tryptophan has got nothing on this special. You'll miss Achmed by catching the second half, but you will get an out of control Peanut. I mean that both literally and figuratively. Figure that one out.

9:00 PM – 10:00 PM: TNA IMPACT!, Spike

If the WWE won't give us wrestling on Thanksgiving like it used to, we'll get it somewhere else. That's what TNA is for – picking and choosing the spots where the WWE has given up. This is the shows second annual Turkey Bowl where someone ends up in a turkey suit. I'm not advocating making wrestler's wear turkey suits on the main show, but I'm not against anyone being in a turkey suit, in general – so I have mixed feelings here. With the Turkey Bowl, it's not so much the result as it is the journey. Last year all the three-ways were good, hard fought matches. In my opinion, if your three-way isn't good and hard fought, then you're not doing something right. You know what I'm saying?

10:00 – 11:30: South Park: Imaginationland Movie, Comedy Central



Let's start wrapping things up with the three part movie, Imaginationland starring every imaginary character you can think of, terrorists, the South Park gang and Al Gore. No, really – Al Gore. Flip back to IMPACT! during the commercials to see who has to wear the turkey outfit. Then watch Santa Claus fight over the evil of our imagination.

Now you are ready for slumber. Hit the bed and get some quality sleep for about 3 hours. You got to get up early to grab that huge flat screen for just $500, you know. Me? I'll sleep in, wait until the crowd subside and hit up the $3 DVDs that I may or may not ever watch, but who cares – they're only $3!

-- Perusing the schedule above, I am more than a little disappointed that the Food Network isn't running their annual Thanksgiving show of the Food Eating League of the Competitive Eating League or whatever the hell it's called. This was going to be my third year watching these people eat bowls of gravy, sticks of butter and pounds of stuffing just to qualify for the main event. The main event? Who can eat the most of a whole turkey in five minutes, of course. What did you expect? A plate of matzah balls? I knew Kobayashi hurting his jaw last year during the event was going to come back to haunt the show. There's just something about watching people of various sizes mow on ten pounds of food in ten minutes that makes me feel a little better about getting into the turkey for the fourth time. First they take away my horrendously flavored Jones Sodas, and now this? What are they going to take away next? My turducken?



-- I know this is Thursday and by the time you read this, you will have forgotten the movie even exists. 411 did a good job covering the event with a few articles related to it and updated box office reports, but I have to give my spiel on Twilight. It got mixed reviews at best, has been bashed by horror fans for the ongoing pussification of the vampire and is lauded as the best thing since Care Bears by girls all over the world ages 11-15. I'm probably never going to see the movie. I'll probably never read the books, so I won't be too critical. First off, hats off to Stephanie Meyer for getting the book out there, making money on it and getting kids to read.

Basically, the industry is trying to catch the second coming of Harry Potter. Though I've heard that the Twilight books are actually written better than it's Harry Potter counterpart (let's be honest – that's not extremely hard to do), the storyline is not incredibly unique. It's been done in books, TV shows and movies before. My guess is that it just happened to be in the right place at the right time. With the industry desperately seeking something to be the next Harry Potter, they chose this and pushed it to the moon. If you market something enough, it will be successful no matter how crappy it is. Except Crystal Pepsi.

Naturally the book is a big hit so it gets a movie deal. They hype the movie to the ends of the Earth and a ton of people (mostly guys) who have no idea what the story is about, just that it's about vampires go to see the movie. From what I understand of the story and movie is it's a chick flick with fangs. It did $75 million on it's first weekend. What do I wake up to Monday morning on my radio while driving to work? Oh, it's the biggest opening weekend ever by a female director and it's the second biggest opening in the month of November ever. In other words, it didn't really set any records but we want you to think that it did so you will continue to support it. Oy vey!

I'm probably bitter because my book should have been the crappy book that was pushed down children's throats and made millions of dollars, but literary agents just won't show up at my door and offer to make me millions of dollars for some reason. Insane, isn't it? This is a long way of saying that I think it will be interesting to see how the next movie does now that most of the population knows it's a dressed up chick flick. It'll probably be the biggest opening by a vampire sequel directed by an Aquarius in the first half of the month of September.

-- I'm wavering back and forth on whether or not I should pick up Chinese Democracy. I was a huge GNR fan back in the day. Appetite and both Use Your Illusions still get heavy airplay in my little one bedroom apartment, but I never much liked Axl. He's the only one left. I've read the reviews and heard a song or two. Though it sounds overproduced a bit to me, everyone is saying it's pretty good. Is it worth my $15 this holiday season? I'm not a GNR completist by any stretch. I passed on The Spaghetti Incident and lost GNR Lies awhile ago without bothering to replace it. I did buy the greatest hits album a couple of years ago, but that is an entirely different sound than it being played here. I'll go to Best Buy (exclusive) and check it out while purchasing $3 DVDs this weekend.

And now….

A Pop Culture Moment




It was about two weeks ago that I saw these babies at the gas station near my apartment. It appears as if Burger King has gotten so desperate that it will try anything for a little attention. As an aside, the Steakburgers are terrible. With the genius of Angus beef, Hardee's has surpassed Burger King leaving it near extinction as far as fast food burger joints go. I don't think that 2008 is going to be remembered as the year of the French fry/flame broiled burger flavored potato chips. However, I knew when I saw them I was going to have to taste them. These things could end up being chastised in two years on I Love the New Millennium Part Dos. Let's face it; I'm a pop culture whore if nothing else. For the good of the reading audience I will today attempt to eat both the Ketchup French Fry flavored potato chip and the Flamed Broiled Burger potato chip. The things I do for you people.



Ketchup Fries -- I figured this one may not be too bad because a fry is a potato and chips are potatoes, right? I immediately recognized the taste. It's the same taste as the time I microwaved some frozen fries, put ketchup on them, realized they weren't done yet so I popped them back into the microwave ketchup and all. I ate some and went to bed. The next day when I got home from work, I took the plate that had sat out all night and went to throw the fries away. Being the idiot that I am, I ate one. Little did I know I had stumbled across the recipe for Burger King's ketchup fries. Notice how the chips are in a rectangular shape to simulate a French fry. Or Gumby. These are edible if you eat one a day.

Flame Broiled -- This is the worst thing I have ever put in my mouth barring the Turkey and Gravy soda from Jones Soda. It tasted how I imagine the homeless man at the post office's ass would taste after he ran a mini-marathon. It's that bad. Avoid at all costs.

-- Ever had to actually dial a phone? Get up to push the dial on the cable box? Maybe you've asked "Where's the Beef?" If you have, then I believe that you are ready for RETRO.

Last year around this time, I started talking about some of my favorite Christmas gifts as a child. This year, I think it's only natural that I list some of the gifts that, while I was appreciative of getting them, quickly fell into a corner and accumulated bite marks from various night time creatures that would scour my room looking for forgotten Christmas gifts. No members of my family read this column so I am guaranteed to hurt no one's feelings – not that I remember who gave them to me anyways, but you never know - -they might.

Up first…



This guy. From trying to find a picture of this thing, I found his name is Moss Man. With a name like that it must be part of the He-Man line. As you can see He-Man wasn't exactly the most creative when it came to naming their characters. To me, as a yute, I got a dude covered in Moss. The bright side was that he was supposed to be covered in moss so when I left him in a damp closet for a year and took him out, he would look no different. The bad news was, I had no clue who this guy was. The only He-Man character worth having was Skeletor and this, my friend, was no Skeletor. I was too busy with the engaging battle to end all battles for my bedroom. I had to deal with Transformers, GI Joe, Thundercats and later Teenage Mutant Ninjas Turtles. Skeletor certainly had rank at the roundtable of evil, but this moss guy? I made a go of it. I really did. For awhile he was top spy for the Forces of Evil. He would hide in moss infested areas and tell on the good guys. At one point, I even gave his moss the same powers as armor, but it just wasn't working out. The moss guy had to go. So, like all other characters that had to go, he lost every limb in battle and then was chucked into the loose limb pail never to return again. I believe it may have even been Snake Eyes that took him down because whenever I needed a bad dude to hit the dust, I usually charged Snake Eyes with the task.

That is the sad story of Moss Man.

Get ready for a 2-in-1. Not a 2 on 1 you disgusting perverts, but a 3-in-1 as in three different categories all rolled into one. I am giving you a second little RETRO tidbit while also giving you my traditional video of the week. In fact, let's talk videos. Let's talk Pop Up Videos. For the uneducated, Pop Up Video was a phenomenon about a dozen or so years ago on VH1. A video would play and little bubbles would pop up with information about the video, singer, director, whatever on them. I know I liked it. Then came Behind the Music. With all the accolades that show received, Pop Up Video just kind of faded out. My heart beat a little slower that day. Here's an example



My favorite part of the pop ups are when the bubble reference something that is about to happen or reference "but" just before an ass shot. Rick Astley. Yikes. Sometimes I worry about the British. Sometimes I worry a lot.

23 Years Ago Today

November 27, 1985

#1 Song



"We Built This City" by Starship

#1 Album



Miami Vice Soundtrack

Notables: "Miami Vice (Instrumental)" by Jan Hammer, "In the Air Tonight" by Phil Collins and "You Belong to the City" by Glenn Frey

#1 Movie



King Solomon's Mines

I must leave you now.

I sincerely hope that everyone had a great holiday! Did you get enough to eat? I know I did. Save the leftovers, go shopping and I'll see you next week.