A Fool's Utopia 12.04.08: The Successful Movie Equation

Posted by Ron Martin on 12.04.2008

This week in one man's utopia we take a look at all the things that should be considered when deciding how successful a movie is. Also, we talk Evil Dead: The Musical, TV cancellings, Crappy gifts, Coke in a Christmas ornament and reasons you should watch Rocky IV.

This has been bugging me for awhile. I look at the top grossing movies of all times and it kind makes me a little queasy. Just so you don't have to do the research, the list looks like this:

1. The Titanic
2. The Dark Knight
3. Star Wars
4. Shrek 2
5. ET
6. The Phantom Menace
7. Pirates: Dead Man's Chest
8. Spider-Man
9. Revenge of The Sith
10. The Return of the King

The list on the whole, isn't horrible. I just wish there was an alternate list that takes more things into account. Kind of like the QB Rating in football. A quarterback can throw for 400+ yards in a game, but that doesn't necessarily make him the best quarterback. If you just look at yards, interceptions, touchdowns and third down completions aren't taken into consideration. Jon Kitna has made a career of throwing 400+ yard games because he has had to, but I don't think anyone would submit him for consideration when it comes to talking about the best quarterbacks around. That's where the QB Rating comes into play. It's a rating geared more towards the entire package that makes a QB a good QB.

I'd like a similar list for movies. A list that takes a lot more things into consideration when considering the success of a film. Here's some attributes I would employ when creating the mad scientist equation that no one would be able to understand.



Inflation
I can't complain a whole lot here because more and more people are realizing inflation is a big deal. Six of the ten movies listed above were made since the turn of the century with two more in the late 90s. That should be obvious. It costs a small Christmas present to go see a movie these days (As proof, I purchased several decent gifts for $10 or less this past week). Who can remember the days when movies cost $.10? I can't, but this 80 year old dude who bowls in my league can. Is it really fair to compare these movies that would get $1 for ten viewers to movies today that get $100 for the same ten viewers? No, it's not. That's why a lot of people also reference the list of the top ten films taking inflation into consideration when discussing the top moneymaking films of all time. Now you're looking at a list that looks like this:

1. Gone with the Wind
2. Star Wars
3. The Sound of Music
4. ET
5. The Ten Commandments
6. Titanic
7. Jaws
8. Doctor Zhivago
9. The Exorcist
10. Snow White and the Seven Dwarves

Just for numbers' sake, ticket prices were adjusted to $7.08 for the list above. In most places, tickets are much more than $7. The list represents a larger sampling and is a little fairer, giving movies from every age a fair shake at the top spot. It's not enough, however. There are other things to consider.

Re-Releases
While not as common as it used to be, movies do sometimes get re-released. Some movies were released (Fantasia, which is in the top 20 adjusted list comes to mind) with the idea of being re-released over and over again. Most of the Top Ten Adjusted list has been re-released at least once. A nice medium would have to be met where a movie's number of theatrical runs divides itself into the total gross.



Advertising
If there's one thing that irks me when it comes to movies, it's the advertising effect. If you beat something into someone's head enough, they are going to begin to believe it. The American movie going public can be fooled. There's a reason Mensa is an exclusive group. I call buying a number one movie "The Varsity Blues effect." For two months before Varsity Blues came out in early '99, I must have seen a trailer or some sort of advertising for the movie at least 5 times every time I turned on the old boob tube. It was everywhere. By the time the movie came out, the mere mention of the Van Der Beek sent me into dry heaves. I could tell the movie was going to be mediocre at best, but I also won a lunch bet with my roommate that it would be #1 when it came out. Sure, I wasn't fooled by all the advertising, but then again it got a lot of people to go out and see the film. A week later, I was collected my free lunch and James Van Der Beek could say that he was the star of a #1 movie for the rest of his life. I saw Varsity Blues years later and my suspicions were correct. It was an "okay" movie at best. Certainly nothing worthy of #1 status.

In the ultimate movie success list, the advertising budget would be subtracted from the overall gross from the movie. Not too take away from some brilliant marketing strategies (Blair Witch Project, anyone?), but to nullify movies who make money because they spend the most to slap you in the face with their product, not because their movie has anything to offer otherwise.

Profit
Let's not overlook the most important factors when it comes to making movies – profits. Sure, Titanic took in over $600 million, but how much did it cost to make? It shouldn't matter that your movie took in $250 million if it cost $300 million to make. Let's look at the most profitable movies of all time:

1. The Blair Witch Project
2. American Graffiti
3. Snow White and the Seven Dwarves
4. The Rocky Horror Picture Show
5. Rocky
6. Gone With the Wind
7. The Full Monty
8. Star Wars
9. ET
10. My Big Fat Greek Wedding

That's a much different list than the first two we looked at. Profit needs to be a major factor when we write our successful movie formula.



Prequels, Sequels and Remakes
Six of the top ten grossing movies of all time are sequels. A seventh is based on an already established superhero. An eighth movie is based on a real life tragedy. Of the top ten movies, only two are actual original ideas, Star Wars and ET. For all I know, they might not even be as original as I think.

Let's look at Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest, for example. It is arguably (not by a lot) the worst of the three Pirates movies. Why did it gross much more than the others, then? I think it's fair to say that the success of Dead Man's Chest can be directly attributed to the original Pirates of the Caribbean. The greatness of the first film brought us to the second to see the continuation of storylines for the characters we had grown to love. Too bad the second sucked. Need proof of that? The third movie in the trilogy, At World's End made over $100 million less than the second installment, despite being superior in quality (though not coming close to the quality of the first). A sequel, prequel or remake is more a measure of the success of its predecessor than itself.

Pirates was very good so its sequel, Dead Man's Chest made lots of money. Dead Man's Chest wasn't near as good as the first, so the third installment, At World's End made less money. You following me? In this flawed system, someone who worked on only the second film could conceivably tell their buddies they worked on the most successful Pirates movie. Doesn't that make you angry? I don't know the exact formula, but a movie's success rating would have to be handicapped by the success of the film/comic book/book it is based on.

To even things out, DVD sales (and price) would have to come into consideration as in this day and age, some people just skip the movie since the DVDs come out so soon. Also to consider, films nowadays are in and out of the theaters in order to capitalize on DVD sales instead of staying in theaters for upwards of a year. These would all have to enter into the creation of the success formula. A ton of things would. I'd like to keep this article under ten pages, so I can't get into all of it.

If I had the numbers to run for these flicks, I'd give you the list of the ten most successful films based on the formula I half-ass created above, but a) I don't have them and b) I'm a writer not a mathematician.

-- I did my annual midnight shopping/Saturday afternoon shopping this year. Instead of getting up before any person ever should and standing out in freezing cold weather to get $25 MP3 players, I waited. My strategy is just to get DVDs. Anything I can pick up on top of that is bonus. My reward? A Night at the Museum, Bachelor Party, Weekend at Bernie's, Back to School, Gremlins, All four Tremors movies and Season Three of The Office for $35. Not too bad.

-- It's not all cheap movies, cheaper women and homemade alcohol for me, however. Last Friday, I hit up the Indianapolis theatre scene in order to instill some class and culture into my brain. Yeah, I managed to catch one of the final showings of Evil Dead: The Musical.



Needless to say, I wasn't disappointed. I even sat in the "Splatter Zone." The cast was having a great time and the intimacy of the show meant that the audience was having just as good a time. If a theater near you picks up this show, I give you permission – nigh, I recommend you take time out of your busy schedule and go and see it. Now you have no excuse not too unless you want a firm boot in the ass. With musical numbers like "What the F*ck Was That?" "Bit Part Demon," and "Do the Necronomicon," you're guaranteed to enjoy the show even if you've never seen the movie. If you've seen the Evil Dead movies, you'll enjoy it even more. If you've seen the Evil Dead movies and are a big horror fan, you will enjoy it the most as it turns a lot of genre clichés and staples into inside jokes. Hell, there are even almost direct quotes from Billy Madison. What the hell else do you need?

If you're near Indianapolis, the show was at Theatre on the Square. While the run of that show might be over, the theatre seems to have a nice group of people working the shows there. I'll be back to see more shows there this season – you should too. A little culture never hurt anyone.

If you're wondering about the "Splatter Zone." It's a zombie musical. There is lots of blood. Want to know what happens to you when you sit in the splatter zone? A picture is worth a thousand words.




-- This TV season has me baffled. When I previewed the shows, I thought shows like Do Not Disturb and The Ex-List would be safe for at least a season. Nope – this is the age of reality TV. These kinds of shows are just token efforts. They're pulled after three or four episodes. Three or four episodes?!! Are you f*cking kidding me? What kind of show can build an audience in three or four episodes? The monkeys at the network couldn't pull these shows fast enough to get cheaper reality programming on. ABC had exactly two good shows on its entire roster -- Eli Stone and Pushing Daisies. Instead of letting these shows grow and gel into something their second season, they get cancelled because they're not pulling American Idol. What the hell are they going to put on TV in its place? Hannah Montana? Can the networks possibly kill of the sitcom any quicker? Are we going to be left with all reality and watered down night time soap operas in the form of one hour dramas? A show that gets pulled after three episodes is a show that the network never had any intention of getting behind or hoping would succeed. Why even sign on for the show? I've almost given up entirely on TV. If it weren't for a few select shows on Sci-fi, the History Channel and NFL Football, I could go weeks without watching it. Weeks, I tell you!

A Moment in Pop Culture
Every era, every time and every year is defined by the pop culture of the given time. The holidays are no different. In fact, the holidays may be the best time to distinguish one year's pop culture from another as companies find new and interesting ways to separate you from the very thing you need to sustain life on this planet – your money. Here's the latest way the Coca Cola company is doing it.



Coke in plastic balls that sort of resemble Christmas ornaments. I do not know how or when the glass ball became such a symbol of Christmas that everyone feels the need to hook them to pine trees for the month of December, but somewhere along the way it became an icon of the season. You would think that having grown up with the things, I would be de-sensitized to them but the moment I saw Coke in one of them, I was instantly drawn to it not unlike an insect is drawn to a buglite. Fortunately, I was not zapped and left for dead on the Wal-Mart floor. Instead, I was just separated from a few dollars and reminded of why I am such a little bitch when it comes to product packaging. Seriously, I ate one of those Taco Bell Big Box Meals just because it was in a box. I don't even like Cinnamon Twists!

I can tell you right now, it's just Coke. Nothing more, nothing less; it's the same Coke you have been drinking since your mamma took you off her tit. There's just something so cool about drinking it out of a ball. It makes me feel 27.6% more Christmassy. It's going to get messy when the season is over and my friends have to ween me off the Coke ornamental balls and back to regular bottles. Maybe I'll stash enough to have 27.6% more Christmas well into March. Tell me you don't want to drink that mofo!



-- Now that Eli Stone has been cancelled, how am I going to get my Julie Gonzalo fix?! A man can only watch Dodgeball so many times!


-- Do you still think that Santa is going to bring you the Nintendo with the gun and the robot? Still asking him for the Garbage Pail Kids cards that come in the actual garbage pail? Do remember seeing on the news the footage of the Cabbage Patch Kids actually being born in the cabbage patch? If you do, then I think you're ready for a little RETRO!

Before we get to my "meh" gift of the week, I found another DVD gem while out shopping. I didn't include it in the list above because it's wasn't part of the sales. I just sort of stumbled across it.


Holiday Treats has eight Christmas episodes of eight classic TV shows. It was $9 – well worth the price, I think. I'll go over one a week until Christmas starting with….



Just as an aside, Taxi may have the best instrumental opening this side of The Cosby Show. It's unique and I think perfectly captures the mood of the series. "A Full House for Christmas" does not star John Stamos or Jodie Sweetin. Instead it focuses on a poker game because hell, what says Christmas in New York better than Aces over Jacks. Now you get the "full house" reference, don't you? Louie's (Danny DeVito) brother is in town to see his family for the first time in six years, but he's more interested in wiping out the garage's Christmas money in a poker game. Louie wants his mom to go back to Vegas with his bro so he bankrolls Alex (Judd Hirsch) in a high stakes poker game. If you're looking for Christmas antics, it's pretty much relegated to a Bronx traveling carolers group and random Christmas decorations around the garage. The storyline that was started about all the cabbies spending Christmas together is pretty much abandoned halfway through (though they inadvertently do spend Christmas together). Worth watching only to see Jeff Conaway when he was actually able to walk and talk. That, and the fact that this is the episode the infamous Tony Clifton was supposed to guest star on but made such a ruckus that he got escorted off the set. That's why there is no Andy Kaufman in this episode. This episode is also missing Christopher Lloyd which is a shame because it isn't a very strong episode – which is hard to find in a series as funny as Taxi was.

Onto my "meh" gift for this week. I think I should take this time to note that when I was a kid, I loved those little pink M.U.S.C.L.E. figures. I had a crapload of them. I got the four packs; the garbage bins full of them; and eventually I was buying the 28 packs of the various colored M.U.S.C.L.E. men like they were going out of style (mostly because they were going out of style). That being said, I can't fault the person who wrapped this gift that I opened one fateful Christmas morning.



It was the official M.U.S.C.L.E. Rockin' Ring because everything was rockin' back in the 80s. It was the Xtreme of it's time. As you can see above the damn ring came with two little claw things that you put your M.U.S.C.L.E. man in. Problem #1: Not all the M.U.S.C.L.E. men fit in the plastic claws. You had to limit yourself to the humanoid figures which sucked because everyone knew the best figures were the ones that were giant robot walls, giant hands or just a triangle – for the hell of it. I had to pick out like my sixth or seventh favorite figure, pop it into the claw and then maneuver to try to knock the other guy's figure off the opposing claw. Therein lies the main problem. When two figures are pushing at each other in opposite directions, there's a bunch of force waiting to be released. Something has to give. Pop Quiz: What is going to give? The cheapass skinny plastic claw or a tiny rubber pink man. If that sounded sexual, I apologize. If you said the plastic claw, help yourself to an extra M&M my friend because you have earned it.

About three minutes into my owning of this toy, one of the side pieces broke off the metal claw rendering it useless for the remainder of its existence. Stupid plastic ring. Hasbro should be ashamed of themselves. I think it was Hasbro. Even if it wasn't Hasbro should still be ashamed of themselves. I took it home, sat it on my floor for a week because I felt bad dumping it in the trash right away, and then dumped it. For the record, I am forever undefeated at M.U.S.C.L.E. wrestling, having acquired a 1-0 record before the damn thing broke.

23 Years Ago Today

December 4, 1985

#1 Song



"Separate Lives" by Phil Collins and Marilyn Martin

#1 Album



Miami Vice Soundtrack

Notables: "Miami Vice (Instrumental)" by Jan Hammer, "In the Air Tonight" by Phil Collins and "You Belong to the City" by Glenn Frey

#1 Movie



Rocky IV

THREE REASONS WHY YOU SHOULD SEE ROCKY IV

Creed's Entrance


Is there anything better than the over the top All-American entrance that Apollo Creed has when he fights the big Russian Draco, complete with James Brown? It's like Uncle Sam reached down his pants and ejaculated out Apollo Creed.

"I Must Break You"


Until I was about 13 years old, I thought this was the greatest line in cinema history. Every gym class I would walk up to the dodge ball line and announce to a kid on the other side that I would break him. When you grow up to max out at 5'8", it loses a little of it's thunder, but it's still a classic. In fact, I used it as trash talk in fantasy football just last week.

The Training Sequence


Is there a better training sequence? I have this on my ipod and watch it every time I'm at the gym, trying to mimic Rocky's moves while humming "Eye of the Tiger." Yeah, I'm not very popular.

I must leave you now.

Until next week, my friends, get in the spirit. Go out and do at least one thing Christmassy even if it means just drinking Coke out of bulb shaped plastic receptacles. It's good enough for me.