Misunderstood Masterpieces 12.09.08: Meet the Spartans

Posted by Will Helm on 12.09.2008

...or, I Didn't Know It Was Possible to Be Psychologically Raped by a Movie Until Now

Sigh. Unsurprisingly, as this is yet another edition of the worst movies of the year, it makes sense that a spoof film would rank among their number. This year, however, is a bit different, only because watching this spoof movie may have been the most painful experience of my life. None of the spoof movies I have seen so far can top the utter torture of viewing this week's film. It even hurts me just to think about it. Seriously; right now my brain hurts . . . and I've already endured Epic Movie, Date Movie, and Not Another Teen Movie, the former two being two of the Worst Films of 2007 and 2006 respectively.

What film could do so much psychological damage? Well, none other than another in the oeuvre of spoof "masters" – and I use that term VERY loosely – Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer, who at this point are the collective cinematic equivalent of the Anti-Christ. After all, the combined powers of these two villains are responsible for Date Movie; Epic Movie; and this column's subject, Meet the Spartans. I guess they wanted to fool the audience into thinking this movie was different by dropping the _____ Movie conceit. You can't fool me, Friedberg and/or Seltzer . . . I'm on to you. Though Meet the Spartans was, unsurprisingly, profitable – as are all of the spoof movies, for reasons that escape me – critics didn't even have a chance to pan it as it was never screened for their discerning eyes. Of course, that didn't stop 411Mania's own Jeremy Thomas from labeling the film – via its DVD release – "an incredibly stupid and unfunny 84-minute long assault on the brain." Well, at least it's only 84 minutes. Does Meet the Spartans deserve such vehement vitriol, or is it a Misunderstood Masterpiece? Even though I'm sure the answer is already painfully obvious, let's find out!

Way back in Ancient Sparta, some old guy gets vomited on by baby Shrek. In response, the old guy, much to his own right as an Ancient Spartan, punts baby Shrek onto a pile of bones. Apparently, this is some sort of old Spartan tradition: ogre punting. Then, for no reason in particular – a hallmark of these damned spoof movies – Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie show up out of nowhere to adopt another Spartan baby who happens to be Asian. Not that being Asian is a bad thing . . . it just doesn't make sense on the Peloponnesus. Finally ending the awful joke, the old guy labels a bearded baby as "acceptable" and then the baby grows up to beat up an old lady and then get tortured by Le Chiffre's dog. No, really.

A mostly grown up bearded baby, who is now Leonidas (Sean Maguire, who used to be on a pretty good show called Off Centre but is now relegated to this dreck), ends up abandoned in the wilderness, where he squats in the snow and eats a hoagie. Finally, completing the reference to 300 – which is the overriding theme of the film, Leonidas is attacked by a dancing robot penguin. Hmm . . . that might be a manifestation of the very obscure Greek god Burgessicles Meredithicles; while obscure, this god does have a Roman equivalent: Danius DeVitus. Anyway, the dancing robot penguin – which only serves to remind me of this:



attempts to have Leonidas submit fealty by teabagging the Spartan with his "snowballs." And here I thought that just happened whenever someone gets pwned by a n00b in Halo. Leonidas, not happy to be violated by a dancing robot penguin, spears the villainous bird . . . with a harpoon. That just happened to be nearby and behind a glass case.

Leonidas, now, somehow, the King of Sparta, returns home to watch Carmen Electra – another hallmark of these damned spoof movies – pole-dance for him. Or, more correctly, column-dance. Leonidas, now being of-age and wanting to get the stink of dancing robot penguin "snowballs" off him, hits on Carmen Electra and they get married. I hope he doesn't mind Dennis Rodman's and Dave Navarro's sloppy thirds. Sometime later, Leonidas beats up his son while Carmen Electra and Kevin Sorbo watch. Apparently child abuse is fun for the whole family in Sparta, as Carmen Electra and Kevin Sorbo join Leonidas in shooting his son with a paintball gun.

Sometime even more later, Leonidas makes out with a visiting Persian messenger, just because that's how they do it in Sparta . . . which is apparently the Greenwich Village of Greece. Or, I guess, nowadays that'd be more Chelsea. After the messenger regains his focus, he tells Leonidas that Xerxes, the god-king of Persia, wants Sparta under his thrall and Leonidas, being a thoughtful king, mulls over the offer . . . while the messenger makes out with Carmen Electra. I guess he wanted to make sure he was still straight. Leonidas, upset by this violation of his queen . . . even though she was probably totally asking for it, spits on the messenger and then Leonidas kicks him, two Persian guards, Britney Spears, Kevin Federline, and Sanjaya into a pit of despair. Somehow, the appearance of Sanjaya causes an impromptu episode of American Idol to break out. After fake Simon Cowell insults Leonidas' kicking abilities, Leonidas responds by kicking the judges into the pit of despair as well. Fake Ryan Seacrest, after wetting himself, thankfully jumps in voluntarily and the Leonidas turns on the garbage disposal. Oh, smell the hilarity!

That evening, Leonidas meets with some lepers and he bribes them with skin-care products. It seems that Leonidas wants some advice from the lepers and, in addition, he uses homoerotic references to describe his battle plans against the Persians. After the lepers regain their composure – or whatever composure lepers can have, they consult their oracle: fake Ugly Betty (Mad TV's Christa Flanagan). After fake Ugly Betty dances, one of the lepers translates her gibberish into dated pop-culture references, much to Leonidas' chagrin.

Back at home, Leonidas stands around in the nude in front of a window, where women on the street laugh at his lack of genitalia. I guess he has Le Chiffre's dog to blame for that; unfortunately, I get the feeling I'm the only one who noticed that logical progression as it's certainly far beyond the filmmakers' comprehension. After suffering through the mockery of local women, Leonidas retires to bed, where he reads Carmen Electra's back – and the signatures of sexual conquerers therein. Leonidas is nearly overcome by his temper, Carmen Electra soothes him by reading a quote about Meet the Spartans from Ain't It Cool News. Leonidas, who is apparently seduced by the words of Harry Knowles – SHUDDER – gets it on with Carmen Electra, or, apparently, merely gets his jollies by bench-pressing her. Whatever, movie.

The next day, Leonidas and Kevin Sorbo make out – Hercules, what will Aeolus think? -- and then Leonidas surveys his troops for the impending battle against the Persians. Apparently, though they aren't a fit fighting force, they are, by the king's decree, all well-endowed . . . and they even made sure to bring along a fat guy for comic relief. Leonidas, however, isn't quite interested in the troops as he's too busy flirting with Kevin Sorbo; I guess he was a huge fan of Andromeda. There had to be one, right? Before Leonidas can show Kevin Sorbo how they do thinks old country way – and make the Iron Sheik proud in the process – some hunky guy (Travis Van Winkle) shows up with a big package . . . in a box. The hunky guy just happens to be Kevin Sorbo's son and his hunkiness apparently causes an episode of America's Next Top Model to break out, just because the filmmakers watched too many episodes of The Soup while writing the script.

Before leaving for Thermopylae, Leonidas insults a midget and punches out his son., which causes Carmen Electra to give him a penguin beak as a going-away present. Meanwhile, the town elders show up to complain about Leonidas' strategy and one of their number (Diedrich Bader) texts Xerxes with the news of the Spartans' impending arrival. Finally, after far too many bad jokes and way too much wasted time that I'll never have back, the Spartans move out to the strains of Gloria Gaynor's "I Will Survive," which would be funnier if the movie wasn't so ham-handed in its awfulness. More on that later.

After the impromptu musical number, the Spartans end up at a fake cliffside; seriously, it looks like it's carved – badly – from Styrofoam. Meanwhile, a hunchback watches from above and, after a few moments, reveals herself to be fake hunchbacked Paris Hilton (Mad TV's Nicole Parker . . . I'm sensing a theme here). Fake hunchbacked Paris Hilton offers Leonidas advice and then complains about being a hunchback, just because there isn't much else to her character. Fake hunchbacked Paris Hilton, just because that's what happens in 300, offers to join the Spartans, but Leonidas rejects her after criticizing her spear-handling skills. Evidently, he saw her adult film and was just as unimpressed with her lack of enthusiasm as I was . . . oh, wait. I plead the Fifth on that.

Some time after fake hunchbacked Paris Hilton takes her leave, a party of Persians arrives at the Spartan camp, led by Method Man. And here I was thinking to myself "this movie just doesn't have enough members of the Wu-Tang Clan." Method Man wants the Spartans to surrender to the power of the Wu-Tang, but the Spartans aren't having it . . . and then the fat guy jumps into a cliff for no reason. Somehow, this causes a DANCE BATTLE to break out between the Spartans and the Persians. Though the Persians try their best to thwart the Spartans poppin', a totally nonexistent audience boos the invaders and cheers the Spartans. Somehow, this causes an episode of Dancing with the Stars to break out and the Spartans win the competition. They celebrate by pushing the Persians off a cliff and then getting caught up in a Budweiser commercial spoof that highlights the homoerotic nature of the Spartan culture but goes on far too long. Kind of like this movie. Even though it's only 84 minutes.

Back in Sparta, Carmen Electra lies around in the nude, yet with food items covering her naughty bits. That's one rather mouth-watering buffet. Rather than a hungry stud, however, some old guy shows up to lecture Carmen Electra while an Asian woman – who apparently wasn't adopted by Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie – walks on Carmen Electra's back. Meanwhile, outside, some guy blows leaves very suggestively, which causes Carmen Electra to consider the old guy's words and address the Spartan elders.

Meanwhile, in Thermopylae, Xerxes (Ken Davitian, who the movie refers to as "the fat guy from Borat"; no lie) rolls up on his litter and, in the process, he rips off a nipple, which he nonchalantly staples back on. It seems that he wants to make a deal with Leonidas which, unsurprisingly at this point, causes an episode of Deal or No Deal to break out. Honestly, is this a spoof of 300 or reality-TV game shows? Leonidas, being stubborn, refuses Xerxes' offer . . . or the Banker's offer. It's really not clear at this point and I doubt this plot hole will be resolved.

Xerxes, quite upset that Leonidas gave up a good thing due to his stubborn commitment to Sparta, sends a band of hoodies to attack the Spartan army . . . with a SNAP FIGHT! Though the combat is tense, the Spartans win the fight with a Wookie joke. So, evidently, a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away predates Ancient Greece. Sadly, the one snap that probably would've won it for the Persian hoodies went unused: "Your mama's so mean, she forced everyone she knew to watch Meet the Spartans." Word.

Once again in Sparta, Carmen Electra hypnotizes the treacherous town elder with her chest and then she strips for him, which causes him to pop off a little early. Meanwhile, at Xerxes' camp, HOT CHICKS dance while fake hunchbacked Paris Hilton wanders in to sell out the Spartan army. Xerxes repays her by popping her hump. Elsewhere, at Thermopylae, Leonidas quenches his thirst with a latte and then the hunky guy reports in and tells Leonidas of fake not-hunchbacked-anymore Paris Hilton's treachery. Dum-dum-DUM! Then, Leonidas discovers that, somehow, the fat guy lost his eyes – and, judging by the effect used, the back of his head, even though the back of his head is clearly visible nary a moment before; continuity ain't that hard, people! – so Leonidas sends him away.

Sometime later, Leonidas meets once more with Xerxes because the Persians have the Spartan army surrounded; Xerxes, desiring Leonidas' fealty, messes with Leonidas with a joke about an untied sandal and then the Spartans laugh at Xerxes for some reason that I didn't care enough about to write down. Xerxes, enraged by the mocking, calls for his secret weapon: a blue-screen army added in post-production! Meanwhile, in Sparta, Carmen Electra meets with the Spartan senate and all the old guys get excited by her entrance, until she starts talking. Hey, wait; strippers aren't supposed to talk!

Anyway, before Carmen Electra can finish her speech, the evil senator interrupts and Carmen Electra's rage causes her to transform into symbiote-suit Spider-Babe. Eh . . . Misty Mundae's version was better. Somehow, in response, the evil senator becomes fake Sandman – the Marvel version, not either DC version, although either DC version would be hilariously counter-intuitive . . . but that's too much to ask from this movie – who Carmen Electra/Spider-Babe beats into a pile of sand, just so that a cat can defecate on him. Fake evil senator Sandman reforms – complete with cat poop, but Carmen Electra/Spider-Babe thwarts him by vacuuming him to death. Somehow, this goofy scene convinces the Spartan senate to send reinforcements for Leonidas' army. Logic? What's logic?

Yet again at Thermopylae, the Spartans and the Persians finally fight, though, in the process, they all fall over. The Spartans, to their credit, get up first, and start killing Persians with abandon . . . and with high school pranks and hazing rituals, including, but not limited to, the deadly titty twister! And then, out of nowhere, Ghost Rider shows up, but the hunky guy defeats him with a fire extinguisher. Sadly, the hunky guy has little time to celebrate, as Rocky arrives on the scene and punches the hunky guy's head off. Kevin Sorbo, who hasn't had much to do in a while, freaks out and kills Rocky with Botox. Xerxes, unhappy with the senseless waste of botulism, impales Kevin Sorbo with a spear, which causes Leonidas to swear REVENGE . . . via Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas. I must admit that the video-game effect is creative, yet totally wasted by this movie, even though Leonidas does kill Persians with a crowbar and twin Uzis.

Xerxes, sensing that Leonidas seeks REVENGE, runs off, only to find the All-Spark, which he uses to turn Leonidas' low-rider into a robo-Xerxes. Though armed with the awesome power of YouTube, robo-Xerxes pulls his power cord from the fake cliffside and, due to the loss of energy, he falls on the Spartan army, crushing them. Luckily for Leonidas, he died with his face in another Spartan's grundle, so he at least died happy. Later, in Sparta, the blind fat guy arrives to find Carmen Electra and feel her up before giving her the penguin beak. One year later, the blind fat guy addresses the Spartans and then he leads them to Malibu, where they trample Lindsay Lohan for no reason whatsoever. Finally, another episode of American Idol breaks out where Leonidas, Carmen Electra, Kevin Sorbo, and the rest of the cast sing "I Will Survive" during the credits. Sadly, this isn't really the end of the movie, as, interspersed with the credits are scenes shot for the film that were so bad and unfunny that they couldn't be included in the main feature, but were put here just to torture anyone who decided to stick around until the bitter, bitter end. Poor deluded fools.

I can only imagine that a day in Hell is a lot like the Friedberg-Seltzer series of spoof movies as it starts out bad and just gets worse. Date Movie was bad, Epic Movie was a little bit worse – though made a little bearable by Kal Penn and the dumb redhead, and Meet the Spartans I'm sure violates the Geneva Conventions somehow. No amount of waterboarding could equal the pain and torture that watching Meet the Spartans induces. I don't blame the actors, of course; they're just dealing with the awful writing and direction, even though they should know better than to be involved with these sorts of films. At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if porn is more respected on an actor's résumé. The saddest part of Meet the Spartans is that it hints at a great comic conceit of mocking sword-and-sandal films: the inherent homoeroticism. Unfortunately, rather than focus on this and the sword-and-sandal genre as a whole, the film elects to kill time with lame references to pop-culture flavors-of-the-month, which makes the film only funny at the time of its release, if at all, as that's the only moment when those references are apropos. As such, Meet the Spartans, and Friedberg-Seltzer spoof movies as a whole, have no longevity whatsoever, other than the honor of being one of the Worst Films of 2008 and a Misunderstood Masterpiece.

Join me next week as I watch yet another . . . spoof movie. Dammit! See you then.