Misunderstood Masterpieces 12.16.08: Superhero Movie

Posted by Will Helm on 12.16.2008

...or, Will Helm Says: “Better Than Meet the Spartans!”

Another week, another spoof movie. Yay. Luckily, this week's film – and another possible contender for Worst Film of 2008 – comes from a different team of spoof auteurs, with a far better pedigree than Friedberg and Seltzer, the creators of some of the worst films of recent memory. This week's film, while still a spoof film – and yet another continuing the ____ Movie tradition, comes from one half of the legendary Zucker brothers . . . or, even more appropriately, one third of the Zucker-Abrams-Zucker spoof team: David Zucker.

Anyone familiar with the history of spoof films should know all about those two creative teams. If not, here's a quick run-down to kill time just because this might be a short column. First coming to the big screen with the hodge-podge comic pastiche The Kentucky Fried Movie, the Zucker-Abrams-Zucker team broke big with their hit comedy – and one of the best comedies of all time -- Airplane! in 1980. They followed that success up with the short-lived but spectacular television series Police Squad, introducing one-time serious actor Leslie Neilsen as the character of dimwitted cop Frank Drebin and, in conjunction, a whole new career as a comedic actor. The vastly underrated Top Secret! followed, and then the Zucker-Abrams-Zucker team struck gold by bringing Frank Drebin to the big screen in The Naked Gun: From the Files of Police Squad! in 1988. I sense a gag with the exclamation points.

While Jim Abrams would drift off to christen the Hot Shots duology, the Zucker brothers continued on with the Naked Gun franchise, with the criminally forgotten Marx Brothers homage Brain Donors mixed in as well. In time, Jerry Zucker would break off to produce and direct such hits as First Knight and Rat Race. David Zucker, meanwhile, continued on his comedic path with 1998's BASEketball before inheriting the Scary Movie franchise from the Wayans brothers and Friedberg-Seltzer, directing the third and fourth editions of that spoof series. Finally, David Zucker wrote, produced, and directed this year's atrocious An American Carol – which, sadly, was released too late to be considered for the Worst Films of 2008, leaving him little time to work on this week's film, Superhero Movie. As such, David Zucker merely produced the film, leaving the writing and directing credits to his apparent protégé, Craig Mazin. So, does the protégé live up to the master's pedigree? Or does he create one of the Worst Films of 2008 and a Misunderstood Masterpiece? Let's find out!

Apparently, judging from the length of the credits, the filmmakers involved here took a page from me and, figuring the movie was going to run short, killed time here. Seriously, at least three or four minutes of the 85-minute running time is devoted to opening credits. And I have no idea just how long the closing credits will be. After grossly extended pans of an unremarkable superhero costume, the film proper begins with some nerdy guy (Drake Bell) getting beat up by a school bus. The onset of a concussion caused by the vehicular pummeling brings on an expository internal monologue, just to explain the universe of the film to the viewer. As much as I hate expository monologues, thanks for that, movie.

On the school bus, after the nerdy guy recovers from his injuries, he lusts after some HOT CHICK (Sara Paxton) while his best friend (Kevin Hart) drinks out of an iPod. Or something like that. After quenching his thirst, the friend, for no reason in particular, reviews the school's cliques present on the school bus, including, but not limited to emos and sexual predators. I guess that's what would happen if Chris Hansen hung out in Hot Topic. The friend then follows up the unneeded and bizarre explanation of cliques with punching the nerdy guy in the face, just because.

Sometime later, on a school trip, Lieutenant Commander Data (Brent Spiner) gives the students a tour of a animal genetics lab. While on the tour, the HOT CHICK and the nerdy guy bond over a bird, which then spontaneously combusts when the nerdy guy tries to take a picture of it. Someone tell Dumbledore that Fawkes is loose again! Somehow, through a convoluted series of events, this causes a fight between the nerdy guy and some token brute (Ryan Hansen), but the brute's uncle, Shooter McGavin (Christopher McDonald) steps in to break up the melee. As the nerdy guy thanks Shooter McGavin for his intervention, Shooter McGavin coughs up blood. Sadly, this does not inspire Ewan McGregor to start singing.

Later, the nerdy guy, who, again through a convoluted series of events – which seems to be a trend already with this film – somehow got animal feces on himself, sprays himself with pheromones in an effort to clean himself. Instead, the nerdy guy just gets dirty as a horde of animals appear to rape him. Then, just to get the main plot of the film going, a super-dragonfly escapes from its cage – though Lt. Cmdr. Data is unconcerned – and bites the nerdy guy, just in time for more animals to have their way with him.

That evening, at a quaint row home in whatever city this is, Mrs. Cunningham (Marion Ross) and Leslie Neilsen chat about the nerdy guy and then they start sort-of flirting, which is really kind of gross but I suppose that's the point. Before elderly coitus can break out, the nerdy guy busts in and vomits in the fishtank before retiring to his bedroom. Leslie Neilsen, sensing something is wrong with his nephew – as the nerdy guy, of course, is an analogue of Peter Parker – follows, because he wants to tell the nerdy guy about puberty . . . female puberty, specifically.

Meanwhile, back at the lab, Homer Simpson (Dan Castellaneta) yells at some guy and then Shooter McGavin once again interrupts, this time to reveal that he's dying of whatever mystery disease causes him to cough up blood. I'll just say it's scabies. While Homer Simpson and the rest of the mysterious company's board protest Shooter McGavin's research, Shooter McGavin and Lt. Cmdr. Data unveil their latest invention: a really freaky chair! Shooter McGavin, then, against the wishes of Lt. Cmdr. Data, tests the machine on himself and, unsurprisingly, it does nothing other than create goofy CGI special effects. Shooter McGavin is dejected, at least until he scuffles with Homer Simpson and sucks out his life force, which rejuvenates Shooter McGavin! Dum-dum-DUM! Shooter McGavin follows that up by making a hostile takeover of the rest of the board . . . by sucking out their life forces as well.

Back at the row home, the nerdy guy wakes up next to Leslie Neilsen and then he checks up on his health on the Internet, which only insults him because he's a virgin. Meanwhile, the Jonas Brothers are proud. While the Internet casts aspersions on the nerdy guy's sexual prowess, some mysterious figure becomes his friend on Facebook. The nerdy guy ignores the likely sexual predator – maybe they go to school together – and instead spies on his HOT CHICK neighbor – who also happens to go to school with him as well – getting undressed and trying on a dental-floss thong. I wonder if it's waxed. The dental floss . . . not her nether regions. Although now that I mention it . . .

The nerdy guy finally goes back to school, where fake Stephen Hawking (Robert Joy) attends a science fair and reveals himself to be angry, suicidal, and horny. That's honestly more than I ever wanted to know about Stephen Hawking. While Stephen Hawking pontificates, the nerdy guy saves the HOT CHICK from falling with his super-reflexes and then he runs into the class' token brute, who he hits with a water fountain after yet another convoluted series of events. Of course, this triggers a brawl, but, this time, the nerdy guy tries to escape by feeling up a teacher and then attacking Stephen Hawking with killer bees. Umm . . . yeah.

On the way home from school, presumably after escaping the brawl, the nerdy guy climbs a wall and breakdances. Then, just to cap the scene, he gets hit by a truck – and yet is PERFECTLY UNHARMED – and, in the process, pushes an old lady into a wood chipper. OK, so is he the titular superhero or actually the supervillain? The nerdy guy then returns home where Leslie Neilsen, apparently aware of his nephew's crime spree, shoots at him with a nail gun; the nerdy guy, remarkably, catches the nail out of midair, which causes Leslie Neilsen to shoot the nerdy guy's friend – who just happened to be there – in the hand. I guess Leslie Neilsen is out for blood and doesn't care whose it is. This is evidenced by the fact that Leslie Neilsen follows up the assault with a deadly weapon by punching the friend and then stabbing the nerdy guy with a kitchen knife, which remarkably bends as it hits the nerdy guy's super-thick skin.

The nerdy guy, aghast at the attempted murder, walks out of the house and, once there, has a flashback, where he and his wealthy parents, Ted Striker (Robert Hays) and Mrs. Striker (Nicole Sullivan), leave an opera. After walking through an deadpan alley, the Strikers are mugged and the then-nerdy kid attempts to rescue them, but that only serves to get his parents shot. While the mugger escapes, Ted Striker gives the nerdy kid a family ring and some bad financial advice. Before the interlude can continue, the HOT CHICK interrupts and she gives the nerdy guy a pep talk; he responds by blowing up some birds.

Later, the nerdy guy goes shopping online for a car – because that's what the HOT CHICK wants and whatever the HOT CHICK wants, the HOT CHICK gets – but his browsing – literally and figuratively – is interrupted by a video from . . . Bald Tracy Morgan! The nerdy guy, who must have dial-up, ignores the constantly buffering video and, instead, heads over to the local bank with Mrs. Cunningham for a car loan from loan officer – and professional jerk – Kurt Fuller! Kurt Fuller, of course, as per his particular idiom, refuses the nerdy guy a loan, even though the nerdy guy was stroking Kurt Fuller's groin under the table. I do have to take umbrage with the continuity here, as, now that the nerdy guy has super strength and extra-sticky hands, he probably would've – through a convoluted series of events – ripped off Kurt Fuller's junk. Maybe that's one of the deleted scenes. Anyway, some guy robs the bank and the nerdy guy lets him get away; moments later, a monkey dances while Leslie Neilsen gets shot by the bank robber.

Over at the research lab, Shooter McGavin sucks his secretary's . . . life force and then, just for kicks, he rapes her corpse while a janitor watches. Meanwhile, the nerdy guy waits in the hospital for word on Leslie Neilsen; just in time, Dr. George Bluth (Jeffery Tambor) arrives on the scene to tell the nerdy guy that he has a Coke bottle in his rectum. The doctor, not Leslie Neilsen. Or the nerdy guy. After telling the nerdy guy that Leslie Neilsen may or may not be alright, Dr. George Bluth sedates himself and the HOT CHICK, who showed up just because, gives the nerdy guy another pep talk.

Outside the hospital, bald Tracy Morgan wheels up to chat with the nerdy guy about his school for mutants, even though the nerdy guy isn't a mutant at all. I guess that continuity isn't important to the filmmakers. Once at the school, bald Tracy Morgan rides a Segway – which, for some reason, is ALWAYS funny – and introduces the nerdy guy to Barry Bonds, who can now, through rampant steroid use, shoot laser beams from his eyes. And here I would've thought having him yell "Barry smash!" before hitting someone with a baseball bat would've been more appropriate. After relieving himself, bald Tracy Morgan rides a toilet through the school's halls – and, I have to admit, that made me laugh uncontrollably, mainly because it's a bald Tracy Morgan riding a toilet – until some bald chick (Regina Hall) fights with invisible Pamela Anderson-Lee-Anderson-Lee-Anderson-Rock-Anderson. I think I got all her last names there. While bald Tracy Morgan takes his leave, the bald chick tells the nerdy guy that the best way to be a superhero is to make himself a costume, so the nerdy guy retires to his bedroom, where he sketches a costume. Unfortunately for him, his first prototype has a few flaws, such as breathing room and eye-holes.

After the nerdy guy's near suffocation, he and his new-and-improved suit retire to a nearby rooftop to squat. Unfortunately, the nerdy guy – now known as the Dragonfly – is impinging on Flaming Simon Rex's space. Flaming Simon Rex, to show off his Alpha Male tendencies, immolates himself . . . and then freaks out, causing the Dragonfly to beat him with a fire extinguisher. Later, the Dragonfly gets the hang of the whole superheroing thing and becomes famous for his exploits, so much so that fake Tom Cruise takes time out of his busy schedule of being creepy to make fun of the Dragonfly for his inability to fly.

Meanwhile, Lt. Cmdr. Data explains to Shooter McGavin that he's a life-force vampire now and, in the process, gives Shooter McGavin an idea for an evil scheme. Shooter McGavin responds by smashing an hourglass and getting glass in his eye. Elsewhere, at the local paper, the nerdy guy applies for a job as the Dragonfly's personal photographer and, as his first assignment, he rushes over to the local college, where police chief Keith "Put on the Glasses" David waits outside. Moments later, an evil Shooter McGavin, who is now "the Hourglass," reveals himself and the Dragonfly appears on the scene to thwart him. Instead of some good, old-fashioned thwarting, the Dragonfly and the Hourglass scuffle and spin around until they both become nauseated by the awful camerawork; in the confusion, the Hourglass escapes, so Keith David mocks the Dragonfly.

Back at home, the nerdy guy pines for the HOT CHICK, so Mrs. Cunningham tells him to do some "man-scaping" in order to win her love. Instead, the nerdy guy gives the HOT CHICK some flowers and she returns the favor by psychoanalyzing him because he hears voices. The nerdy guy is unmoved, so the HOT CHICK leaves the scene and, unsurprisingly, stereotypical ruffians follow, of course up to no good. The nerdy guy, sensing danger, springs into action and the Dragonfly runs to the HOT CHICK's rescue and then she repays him by making out in a sudden squall.

Back at the lab, Shooter McGavin discovers, through Lt. Cmdr. Data's help, the secret to immortality. Meanwhile, Mrs. Cunningham and the HOT CHICK bond over a Thanksgiving turkey, which Mrs. Cunningham stuffs with a houseplant, a cat, and some vodka. Later, before dinner, the token brute shows up with his uncle, Shooter McGavin, in tow; Shooter McGavin, for no reason in particular other than the fact that it happened in Spider-Man, goes off in search of the nerdy guy, who nearly pees on Shooter McGavin from the ceiling and then hides in preposterous places. Afterward, at the dinner table, Mrs. Cunningham stabs Shooter McGavin in the hand with a fork and then Shooter McGavin and the nerdy guy argue over injuries, which causes Shooter McGavin to leave abruptly.

That night, while Mrs. Cunningham sleeps on the couch, the nerdy guy and the HOT CHICK chat about the Dragonfly because she's like his superhero groupie. While the nerdy guy and the HOT CHICK talk, Mrs. Cunningham farts in their faces, so the HOT CHICK puts tampons in her nose. Luckily for her, she takes them out right before the Hourglass busts through the wall, or otherwise she'd be so totally embarrassed. While the Hourglass gloats about nothing in particular, the nerdy guy knocks himself out through a convoluted series of events, allowing the Hourglass to attack Mrs. Cunningham and suck out her life force. OK, I have to wonder: does sucking out the life force of the elderly work as well as sucking out the life force of a younger person? Unfortunately, this conundrum goes unanswered by the film.

At the hospital, Dr. George Bluth returns to tell the nerdy guy that Mrs. Cunningham is dead and that Leslie Neilsen now has no testicles due to a mix-up in surgery. Later, at Mrs. Cunningham's funeral, Leslie Neilsen rapes a HOT CHICK corpse – evidently, this movie has an odd thing for necrophilia – and then he sets Mrs. Cunningham's corpse on fire. Meanwhile, the nerdy guy and the HOT CHICK chat and he, perhaps in a fit of mourning, dumps her. Sadly, she doesn't take it well, because she's really desperate now that's she's probably gotten rid of the token brute.

On the way home, the nerdy guy is tortured by scenes of people in love and freaky balloon people having sex. Later, he soothes his sorrows by sitting around on the couch and eating whipped cream, which causes Leslie Neilsen and the friend to lecture him about proper post-breakup behavior. Usually it involves strippers and liquor, but, sadly, here it merely comprises Leslie Neilsen giving the nerdy guy Ted Striker's ring and a pep talk. Maybe the strippers and liquor come later.

Later that afternoon, the nerdy guy – as well as Leslie Neilsen and the friend – discovers what the Hourglass' evil scheme for immortality is, and so Leslie Neilsen drives the nerdy guy and the friend to a convention, where Shooter McGavin is awarded the Douchebag of the Year award. The nerdy guy, after congratulating Shooter McGavin on his big victory, asks him where the Hourglass is, so Shooter McGavin has the Dragonfly beat up and strip the Dalai Lama, triggering a giant brawl in the banquet room, during which Shooter McGavin knocks out an old woman and the Pope throttles the Dragonfly.

Eventually, the Hourglass and the Dragonfly make their way to an adjacent comic-book convention, where all the attendees mock their costumes for not being accurate enough. Oh, hilarity. Moments later, the Hourglass kills the HOT CHICK – or not – when she attempts to save the Dragonfly from some flying blades. Meanwhile, Stephen Hawking gives the Dragonfly a pep talk – which is another running theme of this movie, apparently – so he blows up the Hourglass with his crotch. No, really. Then, for no reason the HOT CHICK falls off the building, so the Dragonfly follows and, on the way down, they make out, which makes the Dragonfly sprout . . . wings and they fly away to safety. At least until a helicopter hits them to end the movie. Well, except for the overly long closing credits; this movie has more padding than a superhero costume!

Congratulations, Superhero Movie! You really are better than Meet the Spartans. Then again, a root canal would be better than Meet the Spartans, so I'll say you're better than a root canal too. Even though the quality of the Zucker work may have declined since Airplane! and The Naked Gun, it's still far and away better than Friedberg and Seltzer's dreck. First and foremost, the Zucker oeuvre possesses one aspect utterly and totally lost on films like Meet the Spartans: an actual cohesive plot. Though, sadly, there are more than enough pop-culture references in Superhero Movie, the story itself – while mostly an analogue of Spider-Man – could operate independently of the references and still be funny. The Friedberg-Seltzer aesthetic, meanwhile, is simply a pastiche of contemporary pop-culture references posing as a movie, greatly reducing the shelf life of the film. Although I will admit that Superhero Movie probably won't hold up as well as Airplane! and other Zucker films, it does have the honor of being this year's Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector as an enjoyable entry in the Worst Films of 2008 and certainly a Misunderstood Masterpiece.

Join me next week as a live-action adaptation of a famous Japanese cartoon – that ended up becoming one of the worst films of the year – speeds its way into this column. See you then!