Misunderstood Masterpieces: Grease 2

Posted by Will Helm on 01.13.2004

…or, I Need a B-A-D S-E-Q-U-E-L

How is everyone doing? Good to see all of you again! I hope you’re enjoying your new year; I know I am! And do you know what the passing of another year reminds me of? Sequels! OK, not really, but I’m pressed for an introduction, so forgive me. Anyway, over the next few weeks, we’ll focus on some of the worst and most disappointing sequels out there. You know something? I know this is completely random, but the word “sequel” looks really weird when it’s typed out. It’s probably the “q” in the middle of the word or something, but it’s just one of those words that just doesn’t look right even though it is. OK . . . I’m rambling. Back to the subject at hand.

You might think that it’s easy to find sequels worthy of coverage here and, while it is true that most sequels pale in comparison to the original films, there are some notable exceptions. Foremost among those aforementioned examples: 1974’s The Godfather, Part 2. This sequel to the truly astounding 1972 Best Picture The Godfather (you may have heard of it) is, if my memory serves me correctly, the only sequel ever to win the Academy Award for Best Picture, besting worthy competition such as Chinatown, Lenny, and The Towering Inferno. By the way, if you ever want to see some intriguing film history, go to the Academy Awards database and look at some of the Best Picture nominees. A lot of times the winners aren’t necessarily the best films of their given years. Anyway, regarding The Godfather, Part 2, its Oscar nod would lead most to assume, without seeing the picture, that it is as good as or better than its predecessor. Is it? Well . . . sort of. In my opinion, the “prequel” elements of the second Godfather film, featuring Robert DeNiro as a young Vito Corleone, are much better than the original, but the first Godfather is a much more solid film overall. The descent of Michael Corleone into paranoia and madness and the plight of Hyman Roth do little for me, to be quite honest.

Now, let’s segue to a bad sequel, shall we? Good. Thank you. I was starting to get worried there. Anyway, one of my favorite musicals (yes, I do like some musicals . . . not that there’s anything wrong with that) is the 1978 ‘50s-nostalgia number Grease. Originally (i.e. when I was a little kid), it was the animated title sequence with the Bee Gees-written and Frankie Valli-sung title song, which isn’t in the stage version, by the way. Each successive time I watch the film, however, I realize that it is bitingly funny and, most of all, extremely dirty. Take the time to watch it sometime in the near future, preferably on DVD and in widescreen; you’ll notice a lot more things this way . . . and there’s an awful lot going on! Of course, any moderately successful film spurs talk of a sequel (Chronicles of Riddick? Did Pitch Black do THAT well?) and Grease is no exception. Five years after the original film’s release, Grease 2, featuring the star power of total unknowns Maxwell Caulfield and a VERY young Michelle Pfeiffer. This was supposed to be their Corvette on the short road to stardom . . . but strange things happen in Hollywood, as we shall see.

It’s 1961 and the annoying principal from the first film, Ms. McGee (Eve Arden) reminisces with her lapdog/possible lover Blanche (Dody Goodman) while prepping the Rydell High School flag for it’s first flight of the school year. And then a school bus crashes. No, really. At least that’s what the sound in the background sounds like. Of course, this being a musical, instead of mass carnage and viscera, people start dancing. Because that makes sense. Although I really shouldn't criticize. That is possibly the principle element in a musical that requires the suspension of disbelief, that, all of a sudden, a mass of people will suddenly begin dancing for absolutely no discernable reason. The other element is relatively the same: breaking into song at utterly random points. Normal humans don’t do this . . . at least generally. Sometimes you might be standing by the deli counter at a grocery and all of a sudden all the people behind the counter start singing “867-5309” simultaneously. Or maybe that’s just my life.

Anyway, it wouldn’t be the early ‘60s and a musical without some gangs! And we have two . . . sort of. First, there’s the not-so-rough-and-tumble Pink Ladies: Stephanie (Pfeiffer), the tomboyish one; Sharon (Maureen Teefy), the cute one; Rhonda (Alison Price), the nerdy one; and Paulette (Lorna Luft), the slutty one. The rose-colored ladies arrive in a pink Edsel that they probably won by selling Mary Kay. They’re tough, though; so tough that they can dance especially badly. Not long after the Pink Ladies’ little part of the opening musical number comes to a close, their male counterparts, the T-Birds arrive. Sadly, they aren’t made up of roller derby icons, but just diminutive Davey (Leif Green), goomba Louis (Peter Frechette), dimwit Goose (Christopher McDonald), and their leader . . . Johnny (Adrian Zmed)! Yes, Shooter McGavin and the awesomeness that is ZMED! in the same movie. And I never thought that could ever happen.

Moments after the T-Birds’ arrival, the requisite HOT CHICK teacher, Ms. Mason (Connie Stevens) arrives on the scene, only to be immediately hassled by crazy (but cute) twin cheerleaders (Jean & Liz Sagal). Now here’s where it kind of gets confusing . . . in the movie there are Jean and Liz Sagal and Pamela Segall. The twins, who were also stars of the syndicated mid-‘80s classic Double Trouble, are not related to Pamela, who plays Paulette’s annoying baby sister Dolores (I mean it’s obvious enough, but unless you see the names in print you wouldn’t know) but they ARE the younger sisters of Katey Sagal, TV’s Peg Bundy. Sheesh. At least George Segal isn’t involved in any way, or my head might explode. Oh . . . wait . . . Jean Sagal worked as a director on Just Shoot Me! Dammit. Hang on . . . good . . . whew. My head didn’t explode. But it could happen. I’ll just be sure to tell all of you when it does. Back at Rydell High, randy student Johnny, because he is wont to do such things, flirts with Ms. Mason. Nothing good ever comes of student-teacher relationships, kids. She’ll just get knocked up AND sent to prison.

Moments later, straight-laced British exchange student Michael Carrington (Caulfield) arrives on the scene and meets with everyone’s favorite original cast holdover (and squeak toy) Frenchy (Didi Conn). While they chat, everyone else dances into the school in a sad bit of lackluster choreography. On the way, Johnny hits on his ex-girlfriend Stephanie while the rest of the T-Birds make fun of Rhonda’s nose. Because ridiculing others’ deformities is always funny. They’re interrupted in their playful ribbing by Michael, who they then turn to harassing. Inside the school, while Ms. McGee gives an address, hijinks invariably ensue. Later still, the wacky twins accost Michael as we then learn that Frenchy is amazed by the wonderful world that is chemistry. I guess when she dyed her hair pink it also leached into her brain. Speaking of chemistry, after only fifteen minutes of film time, Michael already has the hots for Stephanie . . . but then the evil motorcycle gang shows up! And what do the T-Birds do when a rival group treads on their turf? They threaten to “bowl.” Yes, “bowl.” Is that Rydell High slang for a rumble or something? Or are they going to have their disputes settled in the friendly confines of a bowling alley? Whatever it is, everyone’s excited about it.

At the bowling alley, the evil motorcycle gang is nowhere to be found. I guess that they didn’t get an invitation to the party or something. It’s too bad, because I hear there’s going to be Hawaiian Punch and ice-cream cake! Yummy! Paulette, it turns out, is a good bowler, which inspires everyone to start singing . . . about bowling! Honestly, I don’t know if that’s bad or embarrassing; the song certainly is embarrassing, though. I can’t believe that it could be sung with a straight face! Although I guess the awesome power of Zmed has a lot to do with it. Even though the former T.J. Hooker star has wicked superpowers, causing the dancers to be remarkably graceful with their balls, it still doesn’t prevent the bulk of the singers from caterwauling off-key. And then, just to make the night complete, Mike the Limey Dork arrives, only to fall victim to an impromptu kiss from Stephanie due to a circuitous series of events. The Pink Ladies and the T-Birds shove off, leaving Michael alone with his sexual frustrations and Dolores. They bond, and then he starts calling her “Lolita.” Or not.

The next day, nerdy substitute Mr. Stuart (Tab Hunter) reports for work while the T-Birds plan for the talent show. Because nothing says machismo like an ill-rehearsed musical number. Oh, wait . . . that could stand as a generalization of the whole movie. I love it when coincidences like that happen. In a wacky Public Service Announcement, Johnny nearly gets caught smoking by Ms. McGee, but a convoluted pat on the back from Goose leads to his friend eating his cigarette. Mmmm . . . tastes good like a cigarette should. Literally. Later, at the talent show auditions, Michael plays piano while seemingly accompanied by an invisible band. After the twins waste our time with one of those damned “story songs” that were so popular in the early ‘60s (e.g. “It’s My Party” or “Leader of the Pack”) the Pink Ladies debut a snippet of their badly produced musical number. Michael uses this opportunity to request an explanation from Stephanie for the sudden lip-lock the night before. He’s a pushy wuss, he is. Of course, since this is a musical, Stephanie responds by singing that she wants a “cool rider.” So she wants a guy who drives an ice-cream truck? Clint Howard, today’s your lucky day! You know, if you had any doubts that Stephanie was tough, she proves it here . . . singing backstage in her high school auditorium. Yup. Oh, and is it just me, or do the songs in this film reek of early ‘80s pop?

Michael, desiring to be the “cool rider,” cooks up a way to make enough cash to buy that motorcycle: methamphetamines! Oh, wait . . . he’s just selling essays to the T-Birds in return for money. I hope this plotline goes nowhere; there’s too many already! And, in a hilarious visual, Michael crafts these literary wonders while holed-up in a fallout shelter like some sort of right-wing lunatic. Ms. McGee better watch out for letterbombs! The next day (or week – time’s a little fuzzy in this film), Mr. Stuart gives a sex-ed lesson and the HOT CHICK teacher comes into the room to help. No, they aren’t going to provide live demonstrations, but instead they’re going to start singing! Yes, it’s “Reproduction,” perhaps one of, if not the worst song from a musical ever. I swear . . . this scene makes me think that Grease had a bastard child with The Rocky Horror Picture Show and this is its malformed offspring. Speaking of which, I’d be remiss in not mentioning that this film features some of the UGLIEST extras I have ever seen; yes, they might be able to dance, but there’s no need for extreme close-ups.

Sometime in the future, Michael buys his motorcycle, which is fitting, because when I think of bikers, I think of prissy Britons. Frenchy, as always, is there to provide Michael with squeaky moral support. Later, there’s yet more auditions for the talent show, where Sharon (the cute Pink Lady and producer of their little act) makes the “homecoming noise.” What’s the “homecoming noise”? You know that noise you hear girls make on the first day of school . . . that high-pitched squeal that shouldn’t be humanly possible? That’s the “homecoming noise.” Yes, it’s annoying, and yes, it hurts to hear it. After the deafness dies down, the T-Birds sing terribly but act cool about it, because that’s just what they do. Meanwhile, Michael practices his motorcycling and the T-Birds later learn that they made the talent show lineup.

Yet later, at the bowling alley once again, there’s going to be a rumble between the T-Birds and the evil biker gang. Of course, since they’re all talk and no walk, the T-Birds wimp out, but Super Cyclist™ is there to save the day! Wow . . . it’s like an episode of CHiPs! Speaking of which, that reminds me of two guys I knew in college who would watch CHiPs every single day without fail. Very strange. Then again, these were the same two guys who could go from arguing about football to discussing the finer points of Blossom. Damn I knew some weird people. Anyway, digressions aside, the onlookers start singing Super Cyclist’s praises . . . literally. Yes, more singing. It is a musical, after all. We all know it’s Michael, though; don’t tell anyone, though. After driving off the bad guys, Super Cyclist rides off into the night and everyone else goes back to bowling, except for Stephanie, who gets all misty. Luckily for her, Super Cyclist returns to offer her a ride, but he bugs out when 5-0 shows up on the scene. He doesn’t want to get deported, you know. Deportation is so not cool.

The next day, Michael celebrates his remarkable debut . . . with Frenchy. Geez, maybe they could just end up together and we can wrap this little film up early. Please? Michael, tool that he is when not his alter ego, unsuccessfully hits on Stephanie . . . and then a nuclear holocaust drill breaks out! No, really! I guess this is just the creative team’s way of reminding us, the viewers, that this is the ‘60s. Thank you, people; I never, ever could have figured that out on my own, what with all the “61”s and pictures of John F. Kennedy around. Louis, wise soul that he is, uses the sirens as an excuse to get Sharon alone in the fallout shelter, but, instead of getting it on . . . he sings. Damned musicals sometimes. Of course, he is singing about getting it on, so I suppose that’s good enough, right? RIGHT? Of course, Sharon gets all caught up in the moment and decides that patriotically popping her cherry is a good idea, but the rest of the T-Birds (sans Johnny) screw it up for their compatriot. Although I guess in this situation, he’d be more of a CUM-patriot. Ahem.

On that same subject, do you know what the world needs: a porn musical. Just a thought.

That weekend, I guess, Stephanie tends to her father’s garage, where all the customers are ungrateful, demanding pricks. Then, out of nowhere, Super Cyclist arrives and, like Calgon, he takes her away! He and Stephanie go for a ride while Clarence Clemmons plays in the background. That night, Stephanie returns to the garage and she and Super Cyclist cuddle. Not only is he a cool rider, he’s also sensitive to a woman’s needs. The T-Birds drive up to break up the romantic little scene, but Super Cyclist promises to be at the talent show for Stephanie. And I bet, once there, he’ll say that she sang beautifully, if only in an attempt to weasel his way into her pants. That is how it works, you know. Johnny, hot-blooded cuckold that he is, interrogates Stephanie about Super Cyclist’s advances, but he contends that he’s certainly not jealous. Nope. Not at all. The Pink Ladies, in response, collectively become defensive to Johnny’s suspicions, which leads to the T-Birds singing about looking for loose women . . . and then they suddenly teleport to the talent show! What the!?! It seems this little ditty is about flirting with horny grocery cashiers. Yeah . . . see, that doesn’t work for me, because most cashiers I know are just really angry teenagers, and that’s SO attractive.

Sometime after that, Ms. Mason chats with Stephanie about her Shakespeare essay and I’m befuddled because I thought that the HOT CHICK teacher taught music appreciation. Then again, there are only three teachers in the entire school, so I guess they have to multitask. Michael, caring individual that he is, offers to help Stephanie, so they later meet in a diner to discuss literary matters. It seems that Stephanie has a bit of an anger problem because she resents being infatuated with Super Cyclist and has trouble expressing her emotions. She sounds a lot like Larry Gigli. Poor girl. And then she and Michael start doing this really annoying double-talk thing which leads to them talking about Hamlet which leads to her thinking he’s smart and him thinking she’s terrific and . . . BREATHE! Whew. Of course, there’s still the matter of Super Cyclist standing between Michael and Stephanie. Uh-oh. Unsurprisingly, after this psychological breakthrough, Johnny, the abusive ex-boyfriend, shows up and finally breaks up with Stephanie. Uh, I thought they were already broken up. I guess this means that he’s not going to stalk her anymore. Good for him. Bad for her, though, as Johnny rescinds Stephanie’s Pink Lady membership, since she’s no longer dating a T-Bird. Rules is rules, you know.

At this point, a bit of the DVD is messed up, so I fast-forwarded through it. All I can tell you is that Michael gets all piney over Stephanie and sings about it. No, we didn’t miss much.

Sometime near graduation (graduation! already?), there’s the talent show, where, after a few moments of TENSION, the T-Birds chase off Super Cyclist. The Pink Ladies, always supportive of their men, give chase as well. Super Cyclist, crazy Englishman-in-disguise that he is, jumps off Deadman’s Curve to escape his rivals’ pursuit. Jan & Dean would be proud . . . although does the fact that “Deadman’s Curve” is more of a crevasse than a curve dilute the meaning any? Super Cyclist, being super, disappears or teleports or whatever to avoid bodily harm, leading Stephanie to be sad. Finally! Emotion! I’ll be damned! And then the talent show starts. One good thing: this movie doesn’t waste any time with unneeded sentimentality. Behind the scenes, a scantly clad Paulette gives Johnny an ultimatum, for some reason or another. Johnny, then, to vent his frustrations, ties up the nerdy a cappella group in the bathroom with the help of his T-Bird brethren. I hope this doesn’t lead to anything one would see on Oz! Although I really don’t feel bad for the a cappella group; it’s always been, in my experience, that a cappella singers can take any song and make it so milquetoast that it can suck the soul out of an entire audience. Perhaps that’s their evil plan, though – perhaps they’re all a race of . . . SOULSUCKERS! Or not.

Onstage, the T-Birds perform their number about the randy grocery employees and I just have to say “whatever.” Then Sharon’s over-produced segment begins and I expect Timbaland and Magoo to suddenly appear. Because when I think of overproduction, I think of them. Sadly, they don’t arrive, and the whole mess just ends up being reminiscent of the opening of a Miss USA pageant. Very disappointing. Stephanie, representing winter, goes nuts during her part of the performance and has a flashback onstage. Then she starts singing her own song! She’s going solo! She wants the grand prize all to herself! Of course, during her little jaunt into her subconscious, Stephanie has a posthumous duet with Super Cyclist while she’s dressed like a Greek goddess for no discernable reason. And then they do the ultra-cliched “talk in the middle of the song” bit too, just to annoy me. You know, I never want any band to open their heart to me or make me love them, whether I have the key or not. Stephanie’s little psychotic episode ends and the crowd goes wild for it, as she and Johnny are somehow because of this named King and Queen of the graduation luau. Yeah . . . makes sense, but at least they didn’t sing about that too!

At the aforementioned luau, a terrible Elvis-like song breaks out among the ugly extras while they dance around a rather large aboveground pool. Ooh, exciting. Then the sun suddenly goes down. Perhaps Rydell High exists in some sort of Hypertime or something. To them, time is merely a shadow, a rumor spoken only by those who live in the dark. Or perhaps I’ve just been possessed by the spirit of Rod Serling. Because this movie stopped making sense a while ago, Johnny and Stephanie, sitting on a makeshift raft, are carried into the middle of the pool. Perhaps there will be a sacrifice too! And then more singing. Luckily for us, the evil biker gang returns and panic ensues. Very luckily: no singing. And then, out of the blue, just when we least suspected it (even though we suspected it all along because it just HAS to happen this way), Super Cyclist returns from the dead! Hallelujah! After dispatching the evil motorcyclists in about thirty seconds, Super Cyclist finally unmasks and it’s . . .

WE INTERRUPT THIS COLUMN FOR THE FOLLOWING BREAKING STORY: I can’t think of a funny name to put in there, so you can just add your own. Thanks for being understanding about it.

. . . Michael! Well, we all knew that! Silly movie, tricks are for kids. And whiskey’s for grown ups. After the big reveal, Johnny gets jealous of Michael’s mad skillz and makes him an honorary T-Bird, which means that he can make out with Stephanie without any flak from the rest of the gang. And then, guess what, they start singing. This singing must be contagious, because everyone else starts singing too . . . and then leis are passed around like some sort of bizarre courtship ritual. And then, they warp to their graduation, with their caps and gowns on in front of Rydell High (see! Hypertime!). Yay . . . school’s out for summer. And this movie’s over.

Sigh. Where to start, where to start. I really had forgotten just how bad this movie is. What makes it even worse is that it seems, throughout the whole film, that it’s just an attempt to make more money off the Grease name more than anything else. I almost get the feeling that this is the kind of movie about which executives would exclaim “You’ll love it! You’ll love it!” all the while trying to convince us that it’s the next pop culture phenomenon. Kind of like American Idol, where they’ll just keep milking it and milking it until everyone tires of it . . . then it goes on hiatus only to reappear in a fit of nostalgia. That being said, is it any wonder why there’s talk of a Grease 3? Yep.