Misunderstood Masterpieces: Freddy Vs. Jason

Posted by Will Helm on 03.17.2004

…or, I Really Hope Jason Doesn’t Plan on Fingering Him

Ah, here we are with the glorious second half of the HOT CHICKS IN TROUBLE! double feature. While last week’s entry into the hallowed halls of this column was a few years old, this week I have a much more recent film to induct . . . mainly because it seems that good clichés, like horror movie villains, never die. Two of the most famous, if not the most famous, of the aforementioned horror movie villains are Jason Voorhees (of the Friday the 13th series) and A Nightmare on Elm Street’s Freddy Krueger. For nearly two decades, fans have flocked, sometimes out of curiosity, sometimes out of reverence, to witness the latest cinematic installments of Mr. Krueger’s and Mr. Voorhees’ film franchises. Throughout that time, the most rabid of fans have always thought to themselves “Am I going to score tonight?” After that, usually they meet up with their friends and discuss who would win in a showdown between the big guy with the old-school goalie mask and the dude with the claw hand, bad sweater, and even worse skin. Just when they thought that the answer would never come, Hollywood gives them what they most greatly desire . . . OK, maybe not a hot date, but what they (secondly) most greatly desire: 2003’s Freddy Vs. Jason.

Alright, here’s where I really have to be honest with you, my readers. I’m not really much of a horror movie fan, and in particular famous horror movie franchises from the ‘80s. I’ve seen, I think, the first Friday the 13th, parts of the second film, and none of the A Nightmare on Elm Street films. Yeah, I know I should do a little research . . . but you all know I’m lazy. Although, in my defense, I have seen one of the very terrible Silent Night, Deadly Night movies, mainly because it was on cable late at night and I really didn’t feel like changing the channel. So, to be honest, there could be a lot of things going on in this movie that I have no idea about because I have no prior knowledge of the two series’ preceding films. Then again, a film such as this should really take the time to explain a good deal of the backstory for neophytes in the audience, so I don’t feel so bad for not knowing.

And, much to my delight, the movie begins with some introductory material; the loveable galoot we know as Freddy Krueger (Robert Englund) waxes poetic about his origins while a doll burns in a furnace. Is foreshadowing really possible in a flashback? I’m just wondering. You know, there’s nothing like the sentimental musings of an unstoppable murderer . . . just like there’s nothing like condensing a bunch of movies into the span of three minutes. Elsewhere, I suppose in the present day, some HOT CHICK gets naked and swims. When her boyfriend doesn’t join her for some skinny-dipping fun, she gets freaked out and runs around in search of him . . . with a shirt on. Sorry, guys. I guess we’re at Crystal Lake since, as the HOT CHICK runs around in the woods, the “Jason noise” plays in the background. You know . . . the “che-che-che ah-ah-ah” thing. I just love doing that in empty subway stations. Damn, I really need a hobby. Jason (Ken Kirzinger), everyone’s favorite goalie-mask wearing zombie, arrives on the scene and impales the HOT CHICK on a tree. Then, for no reason in particular, he starts having flashbacks. Umm . . . zombies can have flashbacks? Oh, it just seems that the scenario was all a dream. Whew. Oh, wait . . . zombies can have dreams!?! Huh?

If this were “Grease” (the stage musical, not the movie . . . or even the sequel), then it’d be prom night, because it’s raining on Elm Street. Some HOT CHICKS are in a house and are chatting about goofy crap or something. You know, the usual stuff HOT CHICKS talk about amongst themselves. Anyway, your HOT CHICKS du jour are Monica Keena, formerly the only good character on Dawson’s Creek and then most attractive cast member on Undeclared (damn I miss that show), as Lori, the main chick; Kelly Rowland, in my opinion the most talented member of Destiny’s Child (at least when she’s not singing about her “boo” . . . that song was so overplayed that I really wanted to go find her “boo” and hit him upside the head!), showing her range as Kia, the sassy black chick; and Katherine Isabelle, everyone’s favorite hot goth teenage Canadian werewolf, as Gibb, the drunk, slutty cannon-fodder chick. Anyway, just to keep the movie moving, some guys show up with cheap beer, whatever the Elm Street equivalent of Natty Light or Milwaukee’s Beast is, and then Gibb unwittingly hits Jason in the face with a cigarette butt. Great, now you’ve made him angry. Although she can turn into a werewolf, so it’s all good.

While Lori and Kia chat about girly relationship stuff, like a letter to YM miraculously come to life, Gibb and her “boyfriend” Trey (Jesse Hutch) dance rather closely. I don’t know if I’ve ever mentioned it, but I had always thought that YM was just “my” backwards for no particular reason; lo and behold, it stands for “Young & Modern.” Go figure. Meanwhile, the other guy, Blake (David Kopp), his hormones enflamed by Kia’s prodding, compliments Lori on her home’s feng shui. Well, that’s certainly a new pick-up line; it does beat that one about the shoes, that’s for sure. Of course, because it is raining and it IS a horror movie, the lights go out, which causes Trey to become very horny. Yeah, I don’t get it either. Meanwhile, Lori orders Blake around and Kia encourages Lori to get some; moments later, Blake drinks a beer and startles everyone for no discernable reason. Then, while Lori and Kia (and I guess Blake, but I don’t really remember) wander around the house, Gibb and Trey get it on in one of the bedrooms. After the deed is done, Trey, romantic that he is, orders Gibb to take a shower; Jason, because he’s all about cuddling, kills Trey for his lack of sensitivity. Then, just because stabbing Trey multiple times with a machete wasn’t sufficient, Jason folds him and the bed in half. I guess he’ll never learn to enjoy the afterglow now.

After the requisite discovery of the body and the freaking out and such, the cops show up; they’re not really much help, though, as they have a tendency to get skittish at the mere inference of the involvement of Freddy Krueger. As always, there’s the new-in-town pretty-boy cop (Lochlyn Munro) who’s curious about the whole situation because he 1) knows things and 2) wants to be helpful. Of course, Lori is unsure of his intentions at first, so she unsurprisingly spurns his inquiries by freaking out. Oh, please tell me it’s not going to be one of those movies. Please tell me that there will not be rampant freaking out in lieu of suspense. Like Highlander, there can be only one I Know What You Did Last Summer. Oh, wait . . . there were two of those. Dammit. After her little psychotic episode, Lori instantaneously finds herself with a beautiful house, and a beautiful wife, and . . . sorry; David Byrne moment there. Seriously, she finds herself in a seemingly deserted police station where, after a moment, a dead girl with no eyes explains the whole Freddy Krueger situation in just a few sentences. Thanks for the exposition, little girl. Then, for what seems to be no particular reason, Lori teleports to a cemetery and then Freddy wakes her up at the police station and then she wakes up for real. Yeah, I know it’s confusing; bear with me.

Elsewhere, Blake’s dad (Brent Chapman) yells at his son which causes Blake to drink. You have to stop the cycle of alcoholism, Mr. Blake’s Dad! I know he learned it by watching you! Blake wanders off his front porch to investigate some scary noises and then a goat shows up for no real reason. Freddy terrorizes Blake, but to no avail as Freddy is too weak to conjure up anything scarier than a nocturnal emission stemming from a nude Queen Elizabeth. Blake wakes up to find that Jason, since he is a licensed alcohol-abuse counselor, has beheaded his father; since Jason’s all about the tough love (as well as the cuddling), he kills Blake to stop the chain of addiction once and for all. Bill W. would be proud.

Meanwhile, at a totally unrelated (at this point) asylum, some guy (Jason Ritter) freaks out after seeing a clip of a news story about the incident at Lori’s house. It seems that this guy is Will, Lori’s former boyfriend who she thinks ran away without telling her. He may no longer have a girlfriend, but Will has a friend on the inside named Mark (Brendan Fletcher), who may or may not be truly crazy. Then again, we’ve already had chicks freaking out and rampant alcoholism, so psychoses can’t be too far behind. Luckily for Will and the rest of us, his little buddy is sane enough to provide some helpful exposition. Yay! Later that night, Will and Mark plan a JAILBREAK! After Mark runs interference and steals the head guard’s I.D. badge, he and Will escape into the rain. AC/DC would be proud. (And it’s been forever since I’ve used that line!)

The next morning, Lori’s dad (Tom Butler, a.k.a. fake Sterling Hayden) questions her about the goings on from the prior night. While Mr. Campbell interrogates his progeny, Lori falls asleep for a moment and – hang on a sec; I have to put my laundry in the dryer . . . OK, I’m back – Freddy appears yet again. She freaks out, yet again, and goes to school; in her wake, a random cop arrives to tell Mr. Campbell about Will and Mark’s great escape, which is probably just a few rungs down from the adventures and journeys of Bill and Ted. At school, it seems that Lori’s affliction is contagious, as now Kia freaks out. Meanwhile, a token nerd (Chris Marquette) consoles Lori; Kia, now recovered from her psychotic episode, shoos him away. Inside the school itself, we learn what should, at this point, be completely and utterly unsurprising: there’s a Halloween party coming up! Imagine the odds of that! After they all get invitations, Lori tells her friends about her dreams; everyone rudely eavesdropping catch Lori’s illness and start freaking out; then Mark, because he actually seems completely sane at the moment, arrives to start trouble and utter the dread name “Freddy Krueger”; Will, because he’s the heroic hero of the picture, shows up to hastily escort Mark away. Lori, either because her insane boyfriend has mysteriously returned or because there’s an unstoppable killer stalking her dreams, passes out.

While Lori lies comatose in the school nurse’s office, Kia looks through a magazine, ponders the efficacy of rhinoplasty, and then Freddy appears to cut off her nose. Of course, it’s all a dream. Meanwhile, Mark and Will escape the school even though I thought they already had. They proceed to the library for a little bit of investigation because it seems that Mark is onto the fact that there’s a conspiracy afoot! And it involves him, Will, Lori, Freddy Krueger, and Mr. Campbell! Oh, the horror of too many plotlines! It seems that Mark and Will as well as their fellow lunatics were quarantined due to their connections to Freddy; Mark, of course, realizes the error of his ways when the middle path is illuminated by a blacklight.

Later, I suppose that night, there’s a Halloween rave in the middle of a cornfield. The pushy, testosterone-fueled jocks forcibly force the token nerd to drink bad beer at the party, probably because the jocks are homosexuals in denial who have to assert their masculinity to reassure themselves. That’s just my theory. Moments after his beer bath, Charlie, the token nerd, hits on Lori once again. Gee, doesn’t he know that her ex-boyfriend just escaped from the asylum and they’re just bound to end up together? Kia once again protects Lori from his advances so he responds by psychoanalyzing the sassy black girl. Meanwhile, Gibb freaks out for no particular reason. Ugh . . . more freaking out. Just great. Will, probably because he snagged an invitation while he broke into the school, shows up at the party because there ain’t no party like a crazy person party. He and Lori bond and share a moment while he tells her about his commitment. I guess she can rest assured that he’s not afraid of that c-word. Kia, just because she always does stuff like that, interrupts the sentimental scene; hmm . . . maybe she wants Lori all to herself. Now that would be an interesting turn of events; there just aren’t enough lesbians in horror movies.

Because it’s been a while since someone died, Gibb drunkenly stumbles out into the cornfield and envisions Trey ordering her around. Geez, even in death he’s still an abusive prick boyfriend. She ends up going into a . . . structure of some sort. It actually looks like a factory or foundry or something like that; what it’s doing in the middle of a cornfield is beyond me. For some reason there’s quite a bit of goofy camerawork and then it turns out that Gibb is actually dreaming which explains the aforementioned-in-this-very-sentence goofy camerawork. She runs around aimlessly as if she’s just waiting to die and then Freddy FINALLY catches up with her. She ends up falling on some lockers, because I guess there’s a gym class in Freddy’s fantasy world. In the real world, however, Billy Idol covered in glo-sticks finds Gibbs incapacitated body and attempts to rock the cradle of love. Back in dreamland, Freddy finds Gibb but, just before he lands the deathblow, her chest explodes. OK then. It seems that Jason got to her first, much to Freddy’s chagrin. You see, this whole time, Freddy has been using Jason through the latter’s zombie dreams so that he can return to his former power because Freddy feeds off of fear. And I say to that “whatever.” Once again in the real world, Jason throws Billy Idol across the cornfield so that he can dance with himself; he then kills a jock and gets set on fire. He doesn’t let a little uncomfortable immolation stop him, though, as he kills the annoying fat jock and breaks up the rave. As a rip-roaring finale to his mayhem, he kills quite a few more people and then takes a beer shower to put out the flames. For an undead killer, he sure does have a flair for showmanship.

In the aftermath, Lori, Will, Kia, Mark, Charlie, and Bill the cuddly stoner hide out in a van. I guess we can officially call them the Scooby Gang at this point and the van is like the pothead version of the Mystery Machine. Then again, wasn’t that just the Mystery Machine anyway? After everyone calms down, Will and Lori spend some private time together and Will confesses that he saw Lori’s father murder Lori’s mother. Ah, nothing says “romance” like implicating loved ones’ relatives . . . and nothing says “annoying movie” like too many confusing and overlapping plotlines. Over at Lori’s house, Mr. Campbell threatens Will’s well-being but Lori responds by demanding the truth from her father. He believes that she can’t handle the truth so he threatens her with medication instead. Lori, like Will only about thirty minutes prior, makes a JAILBREAK . . . in the rain. AC/DC isn’t just proud at this point, they’re downright elated. Luckily for Lori, just so that she doesn’t catch pneumonia in her prodigious chest, Will finds her and explains that there’s a conspiracy going on and Mark’s the helpful expository expert on the subject.

And where is Mark anyway? Hallucinating that he’s in the bathroom. Eew. I hope he hallucinates that he cleans up too. Instead of my hopes, though, Mark witnesses Freddy speaking through Mark’s dead brother. Freddy asks Mark to do a little favor for him, but Mark refuses and spontaneously combusts. Meanwhile, at the police station, the pretty-boy cop did a little investigating but the gruff-yet-conspiratorial police chief refuses to bring the FBI in to aid in the case by threatening the naïve newcomer with his cigar. Elsewhere, and maybe a little while later, Will, Charlie, Bill, and Kia chat about Freddy and Jason while Lori sits over in the corner like a catatonic. Just because he needs SOMEONE to take him seriously, the pretty-boy cop walks into the room; it seems that, for no particular reason, he knows all about Jason Voorhees’ murderous rampages at Camp Crystal Lake. He tells the Scooby Gang everything he knows and then they have a roundtable discussion made up of teenage stereotypes. For some bizarre reason, they decide to use Lori as a virgin sacrifice . . . but it’s all a dream because Lori starts making out with Freddy for some reason. Ugh . . . she can do better. She knows it too, because she rips Freddy’s ear off. Either that, or she’s into really freaky S&M/B&D stuff.

All because the nerd helpfully deciphers that Mark and Will were on dream-suppressing drugs while in the asylum, the Scooby Gang decides to break in and steal them to aid them in their fight against Freddy. Upon arrival, Bill the stoner smokes up while a random bald security guard dies after Jason pushes a giant steel door onto him. Elsewhere in the nut-house, the Scooby Gang finds a bunch of comatose people, victims of overuse of the dream-suppressing drug. Hmm . . . this reminds me of that movie about the people in comas . . . but what was it called? Anyway, it seems, through some not-so-thorough investigation on Will’s part, that Lori’s dad is behind the whole mess! The horror! More wacky plotline development! Elsewhere, Bill the stoner starts hearing guitars and envisions a hookah smoking Freddy caterpillar. Lewis Carroll would so not be proud, but Grace Slick might be. And then, possibly because it’s the most absurd thing that can happen at this point, Bill swallows the Freddy-pillar whole. Umm . . . OK then.

Meanwhile, the pretty-boy cop and the nerd find Jason and fight him off until Jason accidentally electrocutes himself and intentionally electrocutes the pretty-boy cop. It’s too bad . . . he had perfect hair, too. It would’ve been better off had he fought killer clowns or something like that. Moments later, Bill the possessed stoner prepares massive doses of tranquilizers with which he plans to subdue Jason; instead of that actually working, however, Jason slices him in half. Oops. Charlie the nerd, however, since the ordeal finally caused him to grow a set, shoots Jason . . . and that incapacitates the big guy. So Jason is susceptible to shots fired by token nerds? Everyone at Crystal Lake should’ve known that all along!

I bet you’re probably wondering just what goes on in the mind of an unconscious zombie killer; well, it appears that Jason has another flashback where his mother yells at him. Poor guy; even in death he still has guilt to deal with. Jason, since he isn’t totally stupid, sees through the ruse and hacks up Freddy in la-la land; Freddy, since he’s on his own turf, regenerates and then they proceed to have the fight you’ve all been waiting for! Well, not me personally, but I’m sure someone was waiting for it. Freddy, since he has the upper hand in dream world, plays telekinetic pinball with Jason for his own amusement and then he crushes his oversized nemesis. Jason, meanwhile, remarkably survives the onslaught until Freddy uses Jason’s acute hydrophobia against him. So the guy’s a giant zombie killer but he’s afraid of a waterfall? That explains why he never takes showers. Here, I always thought he just had bad hygiene.

Back in the real world, the gang takes Jason’s body back to Crystal Lake which, surprisingly, is in relatively close driving distance to Elm Street. Simultaneously, in dream world, Jason regresses back to his freaky childhood state and Freddy picks his brain . . . literally. Ah, there’s nothing like a do-it-yourself lobotomy. The gang, their master plan starting to take shape, keep Jason tranquilized and then turn the tranquilizers on Lori since she’s the designated virgin sacrifice. Lori, just because that must be her first memory (which makes her 46), goes back to 1957 and the scene of Jason’s initial murder. Much to Lori’s chagrin, Freddy is there as well, posing as a necrophiliac camp counselor. Lori, because she’s a virtuous and helpful HOT CHICK, attempts to rescue Jason but Freddy pulls him farther under the surface of the water. In the real world, Jason’s body starts spitting up water so Kia is elected to perform mouth-to-mouth on the decaying zombie. Before she can give Jason a big undead lip-lock, the big dude wakes up and the ersatz Mystery Machine crashes . . . conveniently at Crystal Lake!

Over in dream land, Lori imagines that she’s at her mother’s murder but it’s Freddy doing the killing instead of her father. Umm . . . now this is really confusing. Gee, thank you, movie. While Freddy messes with Lori, Jason finds the shed where the gang is holed up and sets it on fire. During the resulting chaos, Charlie stabs Jason with a flag but gets impaled on an iron wall bracket for his troubles. Lori, serendipitously at that very moment, wakes up and brings Freddy into the real world with her. You know it’s time for the big showdown because heavy metal starts playing and then Freddy and Jason fight once more! Meanwhile, Kia drags Charlie into the forest where they reconcile their differences; she goes off to find help and he dies. I guess she won’t need the help, then. Oh well.

Moments later, Freddy finds Will and Lori but Kia helpfully arrives on the scene to distract him with the awesome power of SNAPS! Wow . . . now that’s sassy! Of course, since Jason (if I remember right) is deaf, these sharply pointed words have no effect on him . . . so he kills Kia for no particular reason. Jason then goes after Freddy and they scuffle yet again. While Freddy has speed on his side, he just can’t seem to bring the big man down! Then, simply because it makes a great visual, Freddy starts launching oxygen tanks at Jason, which has absolutely no effect on the big guy. Freddy then finally impales Jason, tacking him down on one spot, and then hits him with a giant iron bucket. Freddy doesn’t have long to gloat, however, as a little flaw in his strategy leads to Jason catching him out of midair . . . and somehow they end up fighting on one of Crystal Lake’s piers. My notes are a little bit vague about how they got there, though. Sorry about that.

On the pier, Freddy gains the advantage but Lori comes running into the scene carrying torches as if she’s going to open the HOT CHICK Olympics. As Lori provides a distraction, Jason tears Freddy apart but Freddy also stabs Jason as well. Then, due to Lori’s wonderfully arcane torch ceremony, everything blows up while Will and Lori go for a swim. They – and Freddy, remarkably – survive the blast. Just as Freddy is about to finally get his revenge, Jason arrives yet again and this time impales Freddy with his own severed arm! OK then. Lori, simply because a limb through the body isn’t enough to put this ghoul out of his misery, beheads Freddy. Yay! Later, in the denouement, Jason returns YET AGAIN and this time he’s got Freddy’s severed head with him . . . Freddy’s severed head which winks and laughs into the closing credits. Ugh . . . enough already!

So that’s that, then. The long awaited fight between Freddy and Jason ends up in a statistical dead heat. How anticlimactic . . . but fiscally wise. Supposedly ANOTHER sequel is in the works, this time involving Freddy and Jason allied against Michael Myers and Chucky. At least that’s what I’ve heard . . . I hope I’m wrong. There’s only so many times an unstoppable supernatural killer can come back and it still be believable. When will someone learn this? Sorry; rhetorical question.

Anyway, join us next week as . . . as . . . as it’s MISUNDERSTOOD MASTERPIECES #50! I know you’re all excited!