Series Link 12.30.08: Ghoulies

Posted by Arnold Furious on 12.30.2008

About as bad as horror franchises get...

Series Link #11: Ghoulies

About as bad as horror franchises get

SERIES LINK

Or Furious on Franchises…wish I'd thought of that 6 months ago.

Frequently when reviewing movies I notice I'm missing sequels here and there from classic series. In line with one of my key film watching beliefs I'll be making a point of tidying up some of my sequel history. The belief in question being that as long as I enjoyed the original I'll watch any sequel made of it. I don't know where this belief came from but it's one that seems to work out for me quite frequently and there are many film series where I have enjoyed multiple sequels based on my love and respect for the initial instalment (Alien, Lethal Weapon, Die Hard, Star Wars, Indiana Jones, Rocky etc).

Series Link #1 – The Pink Panther
Series Link #2 – The Road To…
Series Link #3 – Planet of the Apes
Series Link #4 – St. Trinian's
Series Link #5 – Jaws
Series Link #6 – A Nightmare on Elm Street
Series Link #7 – Norman Wisdom
Series Link #8 – The Exorcist
Series Link #9 – Critters
Series Link #10 – Superman

Plus don't forget to check out my blog here where I throw quickfire reviews up whenever possible. Like Furious on Film. Only much quicker and less frequently.

For this eleventh edition of Series Link I thought I'd take a look at another 80's critter series. Following the success of 1984's Gremlins there were various rip off's that tried to cash in on the success of Joe Dante's mini creature feature. I've already dealt with Critters and it was during the Series Link on Critters that I thought about Ghoulies and how I'd not seen those movies since they came out. Well…I say "movies"; I only ever watched the first one. Which marks a first here on Series Link. Normally I at least enjoyed the opening film of the franchise in question. For Ghoulies I'm taking a look back at the films just for the hell of it. It's not so much a case of "do they hold up" but rather "do they still suck"? Both 3 and 4 appear in the bottom 100 worst films on IMDB.com. As a form of rating I'll be noting whether I'd watch the film again or if I'd rather take a kick in the "Ghoulies" instead. Yeah, some of them are that bad!

Series Link #11:

Ghoulies

How many films?

Four.

Starring?

Peter Liapis (2 times), Lisa Pelikan, Jack Nance, Mariska Hargitay, Damon Martin, Jason Scott Lee, Matthew Lillard.

Directed by?

Luca Bercovici, Albert Band, John Carl Buechler, Jim Wynorski.

Series Span:

1985-1994. 9 years.

Ghoulies (1985)



Ghoulies script, much like many speedy rip off's, pre-dates it's intended rip off subject. In this case Gremlins. When Gremlins was a success the previously rejected Ghoulies idea (called Beasties, wonder if they changed the name to be alphabetised by Gremlins in the video stores? Ahem) was made into a movie. Originally Stan Winston was involved in production but sadly he didn't make it onto the Ghoulies film. Because Ghoulies was good to go it fully capitalised on the success of Gremlins and made a, frankly staggering, $35M at the box office. Not even Critters got that much. The production was rushed, to the extreme, and an actor called Luca Bercovici (Pacific Heights, Drop Zone) was given the job of directing. He'd never written or directed before this.

The only reason Ghoulies ever made any money, dollar one and upwards, is due to a smart advertising campaign and a good release date. The advertising campaign featured a shot of a "Ghoulie" sticking his head out of a toilet. Which is why I go along with a Bill Hicks quote here…"if you work in advertising or marketing…kill yourself". Not that I'm advocating taking life or suicide in any form but that's something to think about. Incidentally "Ghoulies", in the UK at least, has the same meaning as bollocks. This film is much like receiving a kick in the aforementioned Ghoulies. It's painful and it lasts a lot longer than you originally expect. And why is it so long you ask? Why, that'd be because the vast majority of the movie focuses on Jonathan Graves (Peter Liapis) and his girlfriend Rebecca (Lisa Pelikan). Jonathan inherits a large mansion from his father and moves in. But his Dad was into black magic and soon Jonathan takes an interest too. And that's most of your movie.

Pelikan is the better actor of the two and had the better career appearing in Return to the Blue Lagoon and a Jean Claude Van Damme movie. That's not to say there aren't good actors in Ghoulies. They hired Jack Nance! He's the guy from Eraserhead who appeared in practically every David Lynch film until his untimely death in 1996. Also Mariska "Law & Order" Hargitay is in Ghoulies making her big screen debut. Some of the support is quite horrendous though. Keith Joe Dick is either entirely aware that the whole movie is a shower of shit and treats it as such OR he's one of the worst actors I've ever seen. I'd like to think it's the former but this was his first film. First of not many! But it's hard to complain of bad acting when everything about Ghoulies is bad. It'd be like complaining of poor acting in Plan 9 From Outer Space or Manos: The Hands of Fate. That said the characters, and script, are just so poor that you want the Ghoulies to turn up and kill everyone. Oh, and party goers…next time your host says "hey, let's perform a ritual" reply with FUCK YOU, WEIRDO! You're better off making your excuses and nipping down the pub.

Oh, and the voice-over…urgh. Why would you do that? "And so it begins…the boy controlled by the evil". Just terrible. And "boy"? Peter Liapis is no boy. Not even in 1985. I don't know his date of birth but I suspect he's a little too old to be in college. His character development is quite ridiculous as he reads a book and goes from college jock to conjuror of evil spirits who's into fasting and capes. The Ghoulies themselves are kinda crappy looking. They look like rubbish Muppets. Ruppets if you will. Then, because Ghoulies isn't rubbish enough already, Pete summons a couple of subservient midgets from another realm. Weak.

So it takes 54 minutes for something to finally happen as irritating Mark (Ralph Seymour) and Mariska Hargitay get attacked. Mariska proves herself to be quite the Scream Queen. Perhaps she should do another, obviously better, horror film nowadays (she did appear in Lake Placid). The plot continues in it's ridiculousness as Jonathan brings his father back from the dead and all hell breaks loose. Unfortunately the ending is a big, horrible, confusing mess that's deeply unsatisfying and they blatantly didn't have the budget to shoot it how they wanted anyway. Incidentally the creatures that got the film made in the first place only really appear as an afterthought. Entirely terrible.

I would rather be kicked in the Ghoulies than watch this again!

Ghoulies II (1987)



Seeing as the first film turned an enormous profit a sequel was inevitable. Luckily because the first film is so bad there was every opportunity for the sequel to surpass the original! A rarity indeed. Albert Band takes over behind the camera. He was strictly a B-level director and producer. Damon Martin, who appeared in Pee Wee's Big Adventure, takes over the starring role. Also on board is Royal Dano (Ten Spot from the Outlaw Josey Wales) and midget Phil Fondacaro (he was an Ewok!)

Ghoulies II has, thankfully, zero connection to the first film. The Ghoulies arrive when summoned and become stars in a carnival's house of horrors. Martin and Dano both play carnies who unintentionally exploit the situation for a quick buck. The creature effects are less bad this time around, probably due to the influx of money from that $35M dollar pay day, and therefore Ghoulies II is immediately less bad than the first film. You'll notice I'm saying "less bad" rather than "better" because when dealing with Ghoulies movies there really are only degrees of bad. But this actually significantly better than the horrendous opening chapter. This is one of those ‘so bad it's good' movies. The script is loaded to the brim with cheese and the acting performances are routinely laughable. Even decent actors like Dazed and Confused's Sasha Jenson or Royal Dano. Some lines you just can't deliver straight.

Ghoulies II is a far more deliberate attempt to rip off Gremlins. The first one only got made because of Gremlins' success and it really didn't have Gremlins winning formula. Ghoulies II takes far more from Gremlins and benefits from the theft. However there's no escaping the fact that Gremlins is far, far superior movie. Hell, Critters is a far superior movie. But if you're going to select one film from the Ghoulies franchise to see this would be it. The first two acts are pretty dire and full of exposition and terrible dialogue but there's at least a fun ending after all that with a giant Ghoulie eating the others and one of them attacking the bad guy by jumping out of the toilet!

I would rather watch this again than take a kick in the "Ghoulies"!

Ghoulies III: Ghoulies Go to College (1991)



John Carl Buechler took over the directorial reins on the third instalment of the Ghoulies saga. He's better known for his work in the special effects field (work includes Indy 3, Elm Street 4 and Halloween 4). A cavalcade of stars appear in Ghoulies III. Jason Scott Lee and Matthew Lillard you should probably know. We also have TV journeyman Stephen Lee (of Nash Bridges, Dark Angel and lots more) and one of my personal favourites Hope Marie Carlton. She appeared in Nightmare on Elm Street 4 as the pin-up that drags Joey into the waterbed. She also gets her tits out in everything so Ghoulies III immediately has that going for it. Marcia Wallace is also onboard. She's the voice of Edna Krabapel on the Simpsons. Also there's Kevin McCarthy from Innerspace and two versions of the Invasion of the Bodysnatchers.

Ok, let's get the blindingly obvious out of the way; Ghoulies III is utterly terrible in every possible way. It interjects "comedy" into practically every scene…none of it is funny at all. The Ghoulies also gained the power of speech since Ghoulies II…and they're far worse because of it. The basis of the story is two rival fraternies are gunning for the prank crown for "yanking". They're also aiming to win the affections of pretty Erin (Eve La Rue). The epic nature of the comedic failings of Ghoulies III should be a lesson in how not to be funny. It's sophomoric but the humour isn't college humour…it's middle school humour. 9 year olds would probably love this. People falling over, ignoring teachers and throwing things at each other. It's embarrassing. According to IMDB.com it's the 66th worst film ever made! It doesn't have the sense of fun that Ghoulies II had. It's just retarded, which is what the film makers must have been aiming for. The retard market! It's a big market.

The main actors are rather typically the worst actors in the film. John Johnston as Jeremy and his rival, and supposedly our hero, Evan MacKenzie playing Skip Carter. Did I mention the Ghoulies talk in this one? A stupendously awful idea if ever there was one. Spouting one liners that aren't remotely funny. The creatures also look like low-rent Muppets, which makes them not scary at all. The script is about the worst thing ever. Penned by Brent Olson (who wrote nothing else) it's putrid, frankly. Devoid of humour and horror and anything else they were possibly aiming for. The evil humanities teacher of the college Professor Ragnar (Kevin McCarthy) finds he can control the Ghoulies through a comic book (yeah, we're reaching by this point) and uses them to destroy his least favourite frat, which is no doubt already on double secret probation!

Ghoulies III is just terrible. But here a few things to look out for if you are brave enough to sit through it. Kane Hodder has a cameo near the start of the film during an awfully unfunny pratfall sequence. Matthew Lillard, although he has no lines, is there as a weird looking preppy kid. Hope Marie Carlton does indeed ‘get them out' during a shower scene. The "prank week, prank week, pancake?" line. But that's about it. It's extremely childish, and not in a good way, and amateurish. Apparently this is generally regarded as the best of the Ghoulies movies by fans of the franchise.

I would rather be kicked in the Ghoulies than watch this again! At least the pain would only last a few minutes compared to the 90 of Ghoulies III.

Ghoulies IV (1994)



Normally when welcoming back the star of the original movie it marks an improvement in the quality of sequels. Like Jamie Lee in Halloween. Or Nancy on Elm Street. However the star of Ghoulies is Peter Liapis. So in this case it doesn't count. Ghoulies IV has a new director in the form of exploitation director Jim "Return of the Swamp Thing" Wynorski. Also in his repertoire are Chopping Mall, Cheerleader Massacre, Sorority House Massacre II and the Bare Wench Project.

Seeing as I can't be bothered to explain the plot here's the synopsis from IMDB. While in pursuit of cop Jonathan Graves (Peter Liapis), his demonic nemesis, Faust, sends his disciple Alexandra (Stacie Randall) to hunt down the amulet that will set him free. Meanwhile, the Ghoulies find their way through an open porthole and onto the streets of L.A., creating madness and mayhem as they search for a way to get back home. As the body count rises, it becomes an ultimate battle between a demonic killer, a rule-breaking cop, and our favourite creatures from the netherworld! Most of this is correct except that the Ghoulies "madness and mayhem" amounts to NOTHING WHATSOEVER. They don't do anything.

Ghoulies IV is an exercise in exploitation cinema. There's blood and boobs basically. The thing that really pisses people off is that the Ghoulies get a complete overhaul for part IV where they go from being mutant versions of animals to a couple of midgets in suits. Ghoulies IV is a meteoric new low for the series. It's horribly unfunny and the acting is nothing short of shocking. Liapis is passable as the generic renegade cop. He channels a lot of Dirty Harry but the forced comedic aspects take the edge off the performance. Everyone else is bad. The script is dire. In particular the lines allocated to the two "Ghoulies" who get such gems as "we need those keys", "I know that", "keys are good" and "yeah". It's like they had a dartboard with a load of lines on and they got retards to throw darts at it. The scene where they steal the keys is a prime example of how awful Ghoulies IV is. While they assault the custodian in the dark flashes of light go off. Like when a camera goes off during a fight. But there's no camera. The director just thought it'd look cool (I presume).

The characters in Ghoulies IV seem to suffer from the same disease where they make stupid mistakes. Like Jonathan setting his gun down on a barrel before checking on his partner who's tied up and bloody. In between that and the lame special effects Ghoulies IV is by far the worst of the franchise. I feel bad for Peter Liapis who wasn't bad in either of his appearances in the franchise and yet had to contend with two terrible scripts and the worst of the special effects. Poor guy. In closing Ghoulies IV currently ranks as the 45th worst film ever made according to IMDB.com. The prosecution rests.

RATINGS

Ghoulies (1985) *
Ghoulies II (1987) **
Ghoulies III: Ghoulies Go to College (1991) BOOO!
Ghoulies IV (1994) BOOOO!

Box Office

Ghoulies (1985) $35M (no, really!)
Ghoulies II (1987)
Ghoulies III: Ghoulies Go to College (1991)
Ghoulies IV (1994)

The 411 –

Ghoulies was a film that lucked out and lived off the success of Gremlins. Another three films, demonstrating the law of diminishing returns, followed to various degrees of awfulness. My memories of Ghoulies when I was younger was the image from the VHS cover of the Ghoulie in the toilet and a distinct feeling that the films were inferior to Gremlins and Critters. Very little has changed.