The Gratuitous B-Movie Column 12.29.08: Issue #40

Posted by Bryan Kristopowitz on 12.29.2008

"Black Friday" (2003)

The Gratuitous B-Movie Column Issue #40: "Black Friday" (2003)

Hello, everyone, and welcome once again to the internets movie review column that can't wait for the day Burt Reynolds buys thirty seconds of national TV time on all of the networks and then announces to everyone watching that he is, in fact, Burt Reynolds and there's nothing he can do about it (oh, sure, he could change his name to Travis Smith or Clive Quentin, but he'll still be Burt Reynolds because, hey, he is Burt Reynolds). The Gratuitous B-Movie Column, and I am your host Bryan Kristopowitz. In this issue, issue number forty, I end 2008 with a bit of a whimper as I only have one B-movie to review (I know I said last issue that this one movie an issue stuff had to stop, but the universe said you can try to keep that promise at a later date because there's bullshit to be done), and the B-movie in question isn't exactly a stellar cinematic achievement. The flick in question is the 2003 Darren Doane directed Gary Daniels starring action movie "Black Friday," a movie you're very likely to find in the discount bin at K-Mart or at FYE, which is where I found it.

Black Friday


"Black Friday" is one of those B-movie action flicks that has all kinds of potential to be a worthwhile B-movie watching experience, but because it's so freaking cheap and badly put together (confusing) it can't achieve that full potential. Heck, it doesn't even achieve half of its potential. At best, it's 1/3 pretty good, 2/3's pretty awful. And that's if you're being generous, which I am, since that's what being a B-movie nerd is often all about.

The flick stars noted martial arts fighter turned actor Gary Daniels (you may remember him from the "Fist of the North Star" live action adaptation and the 2005 Steven Seagal action flick "Submerged," which appeared in this column way back here) as Dean Campbell, a renowned former military special black ops bad ass turned high powered lawyer who one day, while driving back home after a hard day's work of telling people he'll take their legal case for free because that's just the kind of guy he is, finds out that his custom built and designed mansion has been infiltrated by a band of nefarious terrorists with a stolen cache of deadly bio-toxins that could kill hundreds of thousands of people. Campbell's wife and child are also being held hostage by the terrorists inside the house. Agents from the super secret government agency Central Chemical Operations (CCO) have surrounded Campbell's house and, upon meeting Campbell, ask him to cooperate with their ongoing operation (the CCO wants Campbell to provide a general layout of the house). If Campbell doesn't cooperate, his house, along with his family, will be bombed. So, just as you'd expect, Campbell decides to cooperate and the whole thing becomes a race against time. Who will survive?

Now, the paragraph above is a crude amalgamation of what I read on the back of the DVD case, a plot description I saw on imdb.com, and what I think writer/director Darren Doane was trying to go for, at least at the beginning. But the truth is the actual movie has very little to do with any of the stated DVD case description and, when you get right down to it, never once makes any sense.

The flick starts out with a long on screen caption describing how, "At the close of the 20th century three foreign dictators accused the government of secretly testing bio-chemical weapons on their citizens. The claims of the three nations were to be represented by one of the dictators in testimony before a House committee. Two days before the hearing, all three dictators were found slain execution style. The House committee dismissed the case." The scene then shifts to a special ops ambush of a group of cars on a busy freeway that ends with Campbell refusing to kill an old black guy in the backseat of one of the cars (Campbell "grows" a "conscience"). Campbell then gets into an argument with a huge fellow black ops guy named Cranston (Ryan Kos) who is pissed off that Campbell didn't "finish the job." The scene then shifts to "present day" where Campbell, apparently no longer a militray black ops bad ass, is working as a lawyer and taking pro bono cases for hot Asian women. After a very long conversation with an Asian woman (a conversation that includes absolutely no inserts or close ups of Daniels or the woman because, I guess, Doane is a protege of Fred "The Hammer" Williamson), we see some shots of people in white decontamination suits entering Campbell's house. So then Campbell leaves the office, goes home, finds the CCO agents outside, gets the general lowdown on what's going on, and is then taken away by two CCO agents who eventually try to kill him. Why do they try to kill him?

I really don't know.

The lead CCO guy, Brussard (Christopher J. Stapleton), tells a guy that Campbell needs to die by sundown because that's "SOP." I'm going to assume that it's "SOP" (Standard Operating Procedure) to kill people who stumble upon nefarious black ops government experiments or operations, but it's not really clear. And then when Brussard finds out who exactly Campbell is, he brings in Cranston who is now some kind of mercenary assassin, and the whole "Campbell must die" thing takes on an added dimension that just helps make everything even more confusing. And then there's a long flashback in the middle of the movie where Campbell, in full on lawyer mode, goes to a minimum security prison to meet up with Matt Perkins (Mathew Reithmayr), an old black ops unit buddy who, after being dishonorably discharged from the military after the opening ambush sequence, got hooked up with scary drug runners who, as Perkins explains in drawn out detail, are part of some kind of secret government conspiracy to eventually smuggle chemical weapons into the United States and use them on people (which is what the title refers to, an operation called "Black Friday" that will test the effects of chemical weapons on people in a fake town built for the sole purpose of being used to test chemical weapons). When Campbell gets into his custom built house, we find out that Perkins is the lead "terrorist," along with three other minimum security prison convicts, and that Campbell was maybe in on the whole thing from the beginning (Campbell's family isn't in the house). So, again, really, what the hell is this movie about? And, again, I'll say I don't know because I really don't know.

Now, since this whole "Black Friday" chemical weapons test scenario is such a big deal, why doesn't Campbell ever try to stop it? There seems to be an indication from Brussard that this terrorist thing is screwing up Black Friday, but even after Campbell foils Brussard and Cranston and everyone else and destroys the chemical weapons there's a sense that what he just did was a waste of time because the government would just find someone else to complete the operation. So why doesn't the movie end with Campbell driving off to stop, with finality, Black Friday? Why does the movie end with Campbell driving off into the night to see his family, who he either put into hiding as a result of finding out about this Black Friday stuff or is estranged from and now can go see them because he is a good person? Shouldn't Campbell be driving to the Pentagon to put the hurt on whoever is behind the Black Friday thing, like the head of CCO? Way too confusing. I mean, yeah, there's this closing caption that explains how Campbell is going to court to expose the government and the military for its actions, but it doesn't come across as anything important. Is this how he foils or is going to foil Black Friday? Why don't we get to see it?

Daniels is pretty decent as Campbell, although at times I think he's just as cofused as the audience is with what's going on. He only gets to fight twice, first against a parking garage security guard (Tsuyoshi Abe, who also served as the movie's fight choreographer) and then against Cranston at the end. There probably should have been more since the Campbell character is supposed to be such a bad ass guy and only fighting twice doesn't exactly make you kind of the bad asses (and just for the record, dark blue sweaters and walking in slow motion multiple times do not automatically make you a bad ass). The bits where he's counseling people as a lawyer are interesting since Daniels can express sympathy for people (Daniels isn't a bad actor), but the scenes aren't as powerful as they should be since we only get to see the master shot of the scene with no cuts and no close ups. In the end, Daniels is the only one who comes out of this movie somewhat unscathed. His charisma isn't damaged.

Ryan Kos is okay as Cranston the big ass killer. He's got an imposing physicality about him, but he can't speak, and everytime he swears he sounds like a drunk teenager. I'm surprised that, according to imdb, this is his only acting credit. Why hasn't he been playing an assortment of thugs and henchmen? He's perfect for it. Christopher J. Stapleton has a great douchebag air about him as Brussard, the head of the CCO operation, but besides repeating the same lines over and over again and standing around not acting, he's not as good as he should be. The same goes for Christopher Janney's Swindell, Brussard's senior henchman, who should be more menacing and dangerous (his character has a big moment towards the end of the movie that makes no sense). Paul Gunning's Parsons character ends up as an apparently incredibly important character as he is said to testify for Campbell in court, but, just like Swindell, Parsons has a big moment that really doesn't make any sense. If Parsons has such a problem with what he's done and what he's doing, why did he get involved in the first place? There's way too much going on here that makes no sense, none whatsoever. And Mathew Reithmayr does an okay job as Matt Perkins. He's got a subdued Mathew Lillard thing going on that works for the most part. It would have been nice if his character had more of a pay off at the end, though. He just gets killed.

Now, I do like the sort of pseudo left wing politics behind the story (the military industrial complex is up to no good around the world) and it's cool how Daniels is a kind of hippie lawyer, willing to defend people pro bono. And if you listen to the speeches given by Brussard and Cranston (their delivery is terrible so it's just something you'll have to get through), you hear how crazy right wing nationalism and extreme, secretive militarism can be. But if I can't follow the general story the political stuff just comes off as nonsense. I don't think that's what Doane wants.

As for "fixing" the movie, besides remaking the whole thing (and I would encourage that because, as I said at the beginning, there's some interesting stuff here, but the story needs to be in a better directors hands), I'd suspect that the movie would play better if Doane cut out about ten minutes or so. He could also tighten up the action scenes, cut out the slow motion stuff, and add some freaking inserts and close ups to break up some of the monotony. Monotony is what kills too many low budget action movies.

All in all, I'd say avoid "Black Friday" like the plague. Unless you're a Gary Daniels completist and need to see it. Or if you can get it for free or for like two bucks at your local video store or movie shop, as that's about all it's really worth.

And just so you know, at no point during the movie does Gary Daniels wield a sword. Not once.

So what do we have here? Gratuitous long opening caption explaining the background of the movie, gratuitous cars driving at night, gratuitous light reflections in the camera, gratuitous imprompty helicopter landing, gratuitous guys with black ski masks, gratuitous Gary Daniels, a very scared old black guy, gratuitous hip and edgy opening titles sequence featuring flashcuts of money and government buildings, gratuitous Gary Daniels telling a hot Asian chick he'll take her case pro bono, gratuitous guys in white decontamination suits, gratuitous bad guys wearing Central Chemical Operations jackets, a custom built house, gratuitous empty parking garage that serves as some kind of secret lab, gratuitous Gary Daniels killing two guys by shooting them in the heart, gratuitous martial arts fight with an Asian guy, wicked punch to the head, blood spitting, knife to the chest, arm pit kicking, slow motion dying, shooting a guy while driving, gratuitous Gary Daniels putting on a dark blue sweater, Gary Daniels killing a guy in the woods, gratuitous flashback, gratuitous Gary Daniels crying, gratuitous spotlights in the yard, gratuitous house self destruct computer bomb, a running faucet, glass door breaking, a rather lively martial arts fight, attempted deadly bear hug, testicle kicking, bullet to the leg, bullet to the shoulder, gratuitous bit where Gary Daniels' house explodes like it's just passed into another dimension, a vaporized body, more on screen captions, and a lame ending involving Gary Daniels hanging out in a diner for some reason.

Best lines: "What the fuck are you doing? Kill him!," "Bullshit! This is bullshit!," "Please, call me Dean," "Miss Lee, are you familiar with the term 'pro bono'?," "Homeowner!," "Minimum casualties? That's my family in there!," "The last thing we want is for this to turn into Waco meets the Brady Bunch," "Standard operating procedure: I want him dead by sundown," "Pinko faggot," "Parsons, get back up here immediately," "Jameson Cranston, how are you?," "How ya doing, Dean?," "Define innocent," "My God? There's no such thing. A truly benevolent God would not allow me to inhabit his world," "I am God, Swindell, and innocence, innocence does not exist," "Hello, Dean," "Do you think changing your life makes you any less of a killer?," and "Cheers. Adios, amigo."

Rating: 4.0/10.0

***

Well, I think that'll be about it for this issue. B-movies rule. Always remember that. And if there are movies you want to see reviewed, send me an e-mail or write something in the box below. I'm always on the lookout for new stuff to watch. And hopefully next issue there is more here to read.

"Black Friday"

Gary Daniels- Dean Campbell
Christopher J. Stapleton- Brussard
Ryan Kos- Cranston
Christopher Janney- Swindell
Paul Gunning- Parsons
Mathew Reithmayr- Matt Perkins
Dinah Lee- Ms. Lee
Tsuyoshi Abe- Security Guard
Directed by Darren Doane
Screenplay by Evan Jacobs, Mathew Reithmayr, and Darren Doane
Distributed by Amsell Entertainment
Rated R for violence and language
Runtime- 95 minutes
Buy it here