Misunderstood Masterpieces 12.30.08: Postal

Posted by Will Helm on 12.30.2008

...or, Hoboken's Favorite Movie!

Guess who's back? It's Uwe Boll! Yes, the man who makes Edward D. Wood, Jr., seem like Cecil B. DeMille had not one but TWO releases in 2008 and, of course, what better place to pay tribute to them than in my collection of the Worst Films of 2008?

Movie-goers swooned to the great adventures of King Farmer – and King Burt Reynolds – in In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale, but Boll didn't rest on his laurels with that video-game adaptation. No, the German-born director had another video-game adaptation up his sleeve, and this time there was an added twist: instead of a horror film – like House of the Dead and Alone in the Dark – or an action film – such as the aforementioned Dungeon Siege or BloodRayne, the Teutonic terror's new film was to be a . . . comedy. An interesting change of pace, to say the least, but a hopeful one, as someone as laughably bad at film making such as Boll should be great at making something finally intentionally funny.

The film, based on the ultra-violent satirical video-game franchise Postal, was, of course, titled Postal . . . and, sadly, not In the Name of the King: A Postal Tale, though that would've been awesome. After a year or so of Boll trying to get the film released in the U.S., Postal's distributors were able to garner four screens for a May 23, 2008, debut. Though in VERY limited release, Postal did win some critical acclaim, as it was awarded the title of "Best of Festival" – and Boll was named "Best Director" – at the 2008 Hoboken International Film Festival. Sadly, there's no word on whether or not the trophy is a bust of Frank Sinatra. Of course, even in Uwe Boll's moment of triumph, there has to be individuals that ruin the moment, as, in the days after the film festival, concerned residents and the Hoboken City Council considered dropping the film festival or, at least, vetting the films exhibited for "inappropriate" content. With an award winning film finally under his belt, does Boll succeed and atone for past failures with Postal, or is it one of the Worst Films of 2008 and a Misunderstood Masterpiece? Let's find out!

In the deep blue skies over somewhere, two somewhat stereotypical Arabs fly a plane. Obviously, as they are stereotypical Arabs in the Uwe Boll universe, they've hijacked the flight and, up to some nefarious scheme, they argue about the number of virgins they'll win with their apparently impending martyrdom. Sadly, as they must have skipped math when they came over with their fake student visas, the stereotypical Arabs come to a conundrum and call Osama bin Laden to settle the dispute.

Much to the stereotypical Arabs' chagrin, Osama confesses that, due to rampant martyrdom, Paradise is suffering from virgin deflation, so there's only ten or so virgins left to go around. The stereotypical Arabs, disappointed that their booty – no pun intended – has been lessened, elect to turn the plane around and head toward the Bahamas. Unfortunately for the stereotypical Arabs, just as they decide to change their ways, some burly guys with mullets break into the plane's cockpit and force it to ram into the World Trade Center . . . and the opening credits.

Sometime later, in a trailer park, some guy (Zack Ward, a.k.a. A Christmas Story's "Scut Farkas") gets dressed and watches TV. Meanwhile, in an adjacent room, his grotesque, morbidly obese wife (Jodie Stewart) yells at him, making him throw up curdled milk. Or at least I think that's a cause-and-effect relationship. Anyway, as Trailer-Park Guy wanders outside, he steps in some dog feces and then the trailer-park sheriff scolds him for some trumped up infractions and, in the process, reveals that he's a cuckold as well. Sucks to be you, Trailer-Park Guy!

Elsewhere, on a street corner somewhere, Vern Schillinger (J.K. Simmons) pontificates about random conspiracy theories. Meanwhile, in a nearby convenience store, some guy reads a magazine about jihads until he's shooed out by the proprietor (Erick Avari), who then reveals that he's got a whole cadre of jihadists holed up in the back of his store. Dum-dum-DUM! Somewhere else, Trailer-Park Guy goes to some giant company's office and sees the boss' severed heads on display in a meeting room. No, really. While sitting on a broken chair, Trailer-Park Guy has an interview with the headhunting boss while some crazy stenographer asks him bizarre questions. Trailer-Park Guy, confused and enraged by the bizarre interrogation, snaps, somehow impressing the boss in the process, so they make him sing the company's fight song before he leaves. Umm . . . OK.

While all of this is going on, at some random compound, hippies frolic and dance and then Dave Foley shows up to talk about nightmares and damnation; dude, you're totally harshing the buzz. Dave Foley, after addressing his flock, retires to his quarters, where he gets it on with HOT CHICKS until he's rudely interrupted by his assistant (Chris Coppola), who shows up to tell him . . . oh, hey, there's Dave Foley's junk. Thanks, Uwe Boll, for finally showing me Dave Foley's "Kids in the Hall." Although, I suppose with the amount of times he's dressed like a woman, he wanted to prove, definitively, on camera, that he's really a man. He could've at least warned me first, though.

Anyway, the assistant tells naked Dave Foley – who's busy getting the Cleveland Browns to the Super Bowl – that there seems to be a little problem with the compound's finances and the Internal Revenue Service may be inquiring about some back taxes in the near future. Hopefully, they also ask why I had to see Dave Foley in the buff as well.

Back in town, Trailer-Park Guy is hassled by an angry Italian beggar ('80s star Michael Paré) while some cops – an angry black cop (Chris Spencer) and an inexplicable German cop (Ralf Moeller) – impatiently wait behind an old Chinese lady at a stop light. The angry black cop, curious as to what the holdup is when the light turns green, gets out to question the old Chinese lady and, after the old Chinese lady rambles for a moment or two, he shoots her in the face with a shotgun, saying that he thought she dropped an N-bomb on him.

Elsewhere on the street, Jeff Lebowski (David Huddleston) and Max Fischer's dad (Seymour Cassel) ogle girls. Meanwhile, some guy takes forever to order a coffee in a nearby coffee shop – creatively named "Grounds Zero" – so the HOT CHICK (Jackie Tohn) behind the counter freaks out at him. Trailer-Park Guy, intimidated by the HOT CHICK's spunk, meekly orders two lattes and goes on his way to visit with Dave Foley, who, thankfully, is now clothed. Whew. Dave Foley, who also happens to be Trailer-Park Guy's uncle, explains to his nephew that he needs a little help for some grand scheme that will save his compound and, apparently, the fake religion that brought it about. Trailer-Park Guy, rightly, is suspicious of the scheme, as a prior scheme ruined his life by preventing him from getting into a good college. Because I'm sure that was the only thing holding him back in life.

Sometime later, at the town's local welfare office, the Italian beggar causes trouble while some guy freaks out and a gunfight breaks out. All the while, Trailer-Park Guy takes deceased victims' numbers but, unfortunately, the office closes before he has a chance to get his check. Nonplussed, Trailer-Park Guy returns home to find his grotesque, morbidly obese wife cheating on him with the trailer-park sheriff and then watches as the trailer-park sheriff borrows some flour to live out a really old fat joke.

Trailer-Park Guy, perhaps fed up with the way his life is going, calls Dave Foley but, before they can have a conversation, the Italian beggar shows up again and, this time, he pulls a gun on Trailer-Park Guy. While Dave Foley gets it on with some HOT CHICKS, Trailer-Park Guy fights with the Italian beggar and shoots him; after that, Trailer-Park Guy signs on to Dave Foley's grand scheme, because after murder, what else is there left to do other than help out Dave Foley?

Back at the convenience store, Osama bin Laden (Larry Thomas) makes a video featuring a cave-like backdrop, but, after the shoot, he reveals that he's actually more concerned about the virgin shortage than a jihad. Meanwhile, Trailer-Park Guy meets with Dave Foley to discuss their plan and Dave Foley, either to test his nephew or because dressing like a woman has finally gotten to his head, requests a bit of back-door lovin'. Trailer-Park Guy refuses, wisely, so Dave Foley explains that he wants to get some valuable dolls from some Chinese tanker that sank in the Pacific. After Trailer-Park Guy and Dave Foley argue about math – which may be one of those odd directorial quirks, like evil twins in a Brian De Palma film, Dave Foley tells Trailer-Park Guy to come up with a plan to steal the dolls from some Germans, who somehow got the dolls first. Or something like that. It's all very confusing.

In town, Vern Schillinger complains about George W. Bush, so the jihadists in the convenience store blow him up. Meanwhile, Trailer-Park Guy buys a slim jim – but not a Slim Jim . . . ooooh yeah! -- and, with the slim jim in hand, he hijacks a fat guy and his requisite power chair. Because the obese and power chairs go together like peanut butter and chocolate. While the fat guy sits idly in his power chair, Trailer-Park Guy climbs him in order to break into a parking lot and steal a postal-delivery van. Meanwhile, the angry black cop, who also happens to be the fat guy's caretaker, shows up to pick up the fat guy, totally ignoring the fact that Trailer-Park Guy is stealing a van only yards nearby. Instead of foiling the crime – and ending the movie prematurely, the angry black cop takes the fat guy back to his garage, where he feeds the fat guy oatmeal.

Trailer-Park Guy, now with the delivery van, returns to Dave Foley's compound, where he explains his plan to Dave Foley, the assistant, and some HOT CHICKS. Meanwhile, the jihadists reveal their plan, but George W. Bush rudely interrupts by calling Osama bin Laden. The next day, just because it makes absolutely no sense, Verne Troyer shows up on the side of the road. In town, Osama bin Laden and his team of inept jihadists get lost in town because they're looking for the Germans, as they also want the dolls. Dum-dum-DUM!

The jihadists delay allows Trailer-Park Guy, Dave Foley, and their team of HOT CHICKS to don Hitler mustaches in order to infiltrate a disturbingly hilarious German-themed theme park . . . owned and operated by Uwe Boll! While the angry black cop and the fat guy in the power chair look on, Uwe Boll rambles to some reporter about his films being financed by Nazi gold, totally refuting the allegation. Everyone knows that Boll's movies are paid for with Angolan blood diamonds anyway. While Uwe Boll's interview continues, Trailer-Park Guy, Dave Foley, and their team of HOT CHICKS show up and the team of HOT CHICKS uses their feminine wiles to distract some security guards. This allows Trailer-Park Guy and Dave Foley to break into the German theme park's vault and steal the dolls.

Simultaneously, as this is to be the doll's great unveiling, the event's guest of honor, Verne Troyer, arrives in the back of a pickup truck only to complain to Uwe Boll, who pays the diminutive actor in gold teeth, presumably from his ill-gotten Nazi stash. OK, so now it makes a little sense, with an emphasis – though no pun intended – on "little." Unfortunately for Trailer-Park Guy and his compatriots, Osama and the jihadists – which would be a thoroughly inappropriate name for a college-rock band – arrive on the scene moments later to interrupt Trailer-Park Guy's heist. Back at the event, the creator of Postal jumps up out of nowhere to attack Uwe Boll and a gunfight breaks out, in which the fat guy gets shot. In addition, Uwe Boll gets shot in the junk while Verne Troyer beats up kids and Dave Foley's assistant, who responds by locking Verne Troyer in his own suitcase.

Though the scene devolves into chaos, Trailer-Park Guy and his associates escape with the dolls, while the cops and the jihadists give chase. Along the way to safety, Trailer-Park Guy runs over the welfare-office lady from earlier in the film, distracting the angry black cop. While a reporter gives an insincere report from the German theme park – someone wants a local Emmy! – the cops call for a manhunt for Trailer-Park Guy . . . while he calmly walks by and watches what's going on. Unfortunately for him, the vengeful mob realizes his presence and gives chase, but Trailer-Park Guy escapes by beating up a cop and stealing his uniform, totally fooling the vengeful mob.

Sometime later, Trailer-Park Guy breaks into Dave Foley's compound, which is now overrun by jihadists for reasons unexplained. Trailer-Park Guy, in order to facilitate the infiltration, shoots a jihadist while using a cat as a silencer, just because some connection had to be made to Postal. Trailer-Park Guy, followed by Dave Foley, the assistant, and the HOT CHICKS, breaks into a secret arsenal under Dave Foley's bedroom and, once there, Verne Troyer and Dave Foley argue while the assistant reveals his evil, apocalyptic scheme because he's sort-of in league with the jihadists, who have a stash of bird flu inside the dolls! Dum-dum-DUM!

Verne Troyer, a bit put out by this development, beats up Dave Foley for no particular reason until the assistant feeds Verne Troyer to thousands of monkeys which he just happened to have on hand in case the opportunity to feed Verne Troyer to them arose. No, really. Elsewhere, at a seminar, Osama bin Laden learns about motivation and the benefits of giving his workers crystal meth to increase productivity. Back at the bunker, Dave Foley sells out Trailer-Park Guy to his assistant, so the assistant makes out with Dave Foley. OK; dressing up like a woman has REALLY gotten to his head. Somehow, this turns Dave Foley gay, so the assistant shoots him. Wow; it's like American Beauty all over again.

Trailer-Park Guy, now staring down the barrel of the assistant's gun, bargains with his would-be assailant because only he knows where the van – with the dolls inside – is hidden. The assistant, for some reason, decides not to shoot Trailer-Park Guy, but instead locks him in a room; Trailer-Park Guy easily escapes his prison with some pilfered C-4 and, after exiting, he teams up with the HOT CHICKS for REVENGE! Trailer-Park Guy and the HOT CHICKS, now armed for battle, start killing jihadists and then Trailer-Park Guy and the HOT CHICKS steal the jihadists' van and make out for a bit, just because.

In town, Jeff Lebowski and Max Fischer's dad gossip about Trailer-Park Guy's grotesque, morbidly obese wife and then the vengeful mob returns to chase Trailer-Park Guy. Trailer-Park Guy, cornered and with nowhere to run, mows down his pursuers and then the HOT CHICK from the coffee shop shows up and she and Trailer-Park Guy join forces, just because her character needed more to do in the film and she had a Goth school-girl thing going on and, really, who doesn't love HOT CHICK Goth school-girls?

Back at the seminar, Osama bin Laden tries to buy a motivational book, but he's a little short, much to the speaker's chagrin. Meanwhile, Trailer-Park Guy, in the delivery van with the HOT CHICK Goth school-girl from the coffee shop, runs over a baby and then heads to the trailer park, where he finds his grotesque, morbidly obese wife getting it on with the angry black cop and inexplicable German cop. Trailer-Park Guy, perhaps as a final measure of REVENGE, plants a bomb under his trailer, but, before he can make himself a widower, a vengeful mob, the jihadists, and the assistant show up and another gunfight breaks out.

Trailer-Park Guy, pinned down behind a car with the HOT CHICK Goth school-girl from the coffee shop, distracts his enemies with the bomb and he uses the lull in the action to scold everyone for their silliness and hatred. The people, receptive to Trailer-Park Guy's sentiment, nearly bond over anti-Semitism – which reminds me of the long-forgotten Looney Tunes character, Anti-Semite Sam – but Trailer-Park Guy tells them all that's not cool either. The madding crowd, upset with Trailer-Park Guy's semantics, rejects him and the gunfight restarts in earnest and they all shoot up the car that Trailer-Park Guy and the HOT CHICK Goth school-girl from the coffee shop were hiding behind. Trailer-Park Guy and the HOT CHICK Goth school-girl from the coffee shop, wisely return fire in kind and head to the van.

While the gunfight rages, Osama bin Laden calls George W. Bush for help – because they're in league all along as well – and, through a convoluted series of events, a jihadist van blows up and somehow lands on the boss from the very beginning of the film. Back at the trailer park, Trailer-Park Guy steals a police cruiser and, with the HOT CHICK Goth school-girl from the coffee shop by his side, he uses it to run over the assistant, who he then shoots for good measure. A little later, George W. Bush, for no reason in particular, blows up India and China, so the Chinese fire their nuclear missiles at the United States. Trailer-Park Guy, ever the nihilist – which would explain why Jeff Lebowski is in the film, blows up his grotesque, morbidly obese wife and the two cops – showering townspeople with viscera – and then he drives off into the sunset with the HOT CHICK Goth school-girl from the coffee shop and his dog. Elsewhere, George W. Bush and Osama bin Laden frolic together in a field as the world ends around them . . . as well as the film.

Oh, Uwe, Uwe, Uwe. I had such hope for you. I had such faith that maybe, just maybe there was going to be a saving grace to your career. I believed, against nearly incontrovertible proof, that perhaps the genre where you would find your true film-making gift would be comedy. Sadly, I was wrong. Horribly, horribly wrong. Though House of the Dead and Alone in the Dark are awful – while BloodRayne and Dungeon Siege are laughable – Postal may very well be the worst of the bunch. Mr. Boll, I understand what – I think – you were trying to accomplish with this film; unfortunately, it failed on almost every level. I know that you were attempting to push the envelope and be shocking and as politically incorrect as possible, but you shouldn't have done it at the expense of a watchable movie. Postal, save for a handful of the actors' performances, is a cinematic abomination. Take note: I do appreciate the fact that you do skewer yourself in the movie, sadly, the sentiment is wasted in this kind of dreck. It's one thing to skewer yourself and, in the process, prove your detractors wrong, but Postal merely serves to buttress what your critics have always thought about you. I didn't want to be one of those detractors, but, alas, I have to say, with confidence, that Postal is, by far, the Worst Film of 2008 and a Misunderstood Masterpiece.

Join me next week as Eddie Murphy stops by for a two-week stay and brings with him a film that just missed the cut for Worst Films of 2008 . . . as well as one of the worst films of 2002. See you then!
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