Misunderstood Masterpieces: The Ladies Man
Posted by Will Helm on 06.23.2004
…or, Should I Call It “El Guapo’s Revenge”?
It’s not everyday that I actually do a sequel to a prior column. The only other occasion I can think of, as of now, is the follow-up to my I Know What You Did Last Summer effort nearly a year ago, I Still Know What You Did Last Summer. Of course, that was just a straight sequel of the film I did the week prior; on the other hand, this is a truly conceptual sequel based off of a connection that one of my esteemed correspondents made. In my semi-controversial (read: not at all) column covering the mid-‘80s comedy ¡Three Amigos!, I made mention of the fact that the antagonist’s name, El Guapo, translated to “the ladies’ man” in Spanish. This lead to one of my respected readers suggesting that, inspired by that epithet, I in turn scribe a column regarding 2000’s Tim Meadows vehicle The Ladies Man.
You know something . . . that was a pretty good idea.
The Ladies Man, released just a few short years ago, is one of a series of largely cinematic foibles known as “Saturday Night Live movies.” Yes, like such lauded efforts as Coneheads, It’s Pat!, A Night at the Roxbury, and the legendary Stuart Saves His Family (all of which may appear in this column sometime in the future), The Ladies Man takes a relatively entertaining – the first few times – sketch from the NBC weekend staple and extends it to feature length. Most of the time, these attempts at celluloid glory are utter and complete failures; there are exceptions, however: 1980’s The Blues Brothers and 1992’s Wayne’s World. OK . . . so that’s two exceptions. There might be more, but I can’t think of them right now. Maybe they’ll come to me later. Anyway, The Ladies Man definitely falls into the former category, with lackluster (at best) critical coverage and a $13.6 million box office gross. Is such abject failure deserved? Let’s take a look, shall we?
It’s really sad when the laughs come at one of the production-company title cards, specifically the one for “SNL Studios.” Would Lorne Michaels really want to have his comedic creation connected with this film? I have to wonder at the logic. We begin properly as any movie should, by listening to a financial radio show host from beautiful Chicago. While the stuffy personality reads over the closing markets news and signs off for the night, another person in the studio busts out some candles and Courvoisier. You know . . . I really don’t know what the obsession is with Courvoisier; maybe it’s just me, but I really don’t have a palette for cognac. It doesn’t do much for me, honestly. I guess that totally kills my street cred, huh? Anyway, who should replace the host of the closing show but our humble protagonist, Leon Phelps (Meadows). For those of you unfamiliar with the character of the Ladies Man, imagine a combination of a low-rent version of WKRP’s Venus Flytrap and NBA legend Wilt Chamberlain. Of course, just to counteract the massive amounts of testosterone in the studio, Leon is dutifully supported by HOT CHICK producer Julie Simmons (Karyn Parsons). Gee . . . I wonder if they’ll end up together by the end of the film?
Anyway, just to give us, the viewers, a little glimpse into the psyche of Leon Phelps, The Ladies Man, he takes a phone call from a random chick in need of some love advice. Leon’s reply: she should adopt the life of a hootchie. Well, that’s certainly good for loosening up one’s inhibitions. While his audience may find him entertaining, Julie, his harried producer, is not amused by his ineptitude. It’s at this point that one of the hallmarks of a “Saturday Night Live movie” kicks in: the return of an obscure actor to a prominent supporting film role. In this case, like Carl Weathers in Happy Gilmore (which isn’t really an SNL movie even though it features an SNL star), it’s none other than Lando Calrissian himself and the coolest Colt .45 spokesman ever, Billy Dee Williams. Billy Dee, at his ever-soulful best, gives us some backstory on the mysterious origins of Mr. Phelps. It seems that, in his infancy, young Leon was adopted by a reasonable facsimile of Hugh Hefner (who is, oddly enough, actually listed as “Hugh Hefner” in the credits . . . the character, not the actor). Oh the hilarity. He comes of age in that wonderfully amoral world and all is bliss until he makes the cardinal mistake of sleeping with his adopted father’s HOT CHICK girlfriend. I hate it when that happens.
All of a sudden, the lines between past and present blur as we discover that Billy Dee is actually a bartender named Lester who also happens to be the owner of Leon’s favorite dive hangout. Leon, since he is a rather déclassé personality, is a celebrity within the confines of the establishment; Norm Peterson would be proud. It seems the occasion of his visit is that he is conveniently showing off the bar to Julie; also conveniently, some HOT CHICK saunters into the pub. In the interim, Lester tells of Julie’s origins: she was a jilted bride with a taste for whiskey who ended up in Lester’s establishment – in her wedding gown – and found herself hit on by Leon himself. Leon Phelps: class act. Leon, proving my last theory, yells at Lester to knock off the bizarro comic-book style origin tales. Then, suddenly, the movie converts to Fantasy-Vision™ as Leon outlines his master plan to seduce the HOT CHICK, which involves promises of a fish sandwich and his glowing phallus. “Fish Sandwich and the Glowing Phallus” . . . sounds like a mythological porno flick.
After the fantastic interlude, reality kicks in – somewhat – as Leon’s ham-handed attempts to pick up the HOT CHICK are surprisingly successful. Why is Leon so successful? Well, the HOT CHICK also happens to be a somewhat nymphomaniacal cheating wife . . . married to the one dude from There’s Something About Mary (Lee Evans). Since that nickname is a little too long to keep typing, let’s just call him Barney. Barney, because the film requires a comedic buffoon, comes back from a business trip a little early and discovers his HOT CHICK fresh from bumping uglies with Leon . . . who bugs out of the scene stark naked. Ugh. Did I ask for Tim Meadows’ derriere, movie? Did I? And, worse yet, the partial nudity actually furthers the plot, as Barney uses his telescopic vision to spy an incriminating tattoo on Leon’s nether-regions . . . while Leon is nearly a football field away and running in the dark. Great. Thank you, movie. Not only do we get man-ass, but a total breach of logic as well.
In the aftermath, Barney unwittingly calls Leon’s show, unaware that the voice on the other side of the line belongs to the man who was boinking his wife. He then tries to kill himself, which, through a convoluted series of events, leads to his unfaithful wife catching him seemingly pleasuring himself while watching an adult film in their wrecked apartment. Oh . . . the hilarity. Meanwhile, back at the station, Bucky Kent (Eugene Levy), evil station manager, reveals to Julie that he has notified the FCC regarding the content of Leon’s program. Due to Leon’s questionable subject matter, if he incurs another fine, he is to be fired; Julie, wise HOT CHICK producer that she is, informs Leon of the dire situation. Leon, in turn, promises to diffuse the situation . . . which somehow involves reciting bad poetry and advising his listeners to do it in a very uncomfortable place. Unsurprisingly, Leon gets fired. Oh, the hilarity?
Leon, after being forcibly ejected from the building (a running theme, perhaps?), celebrates his new employment status the only way any mature individual would: by getting stinking drunk. So drunk, in fact, that Julie has to accompany him to his bachelor pad houseboat where we learn that he has had the “magic” happen on nearly every surface in the place. Gee, I always wondered why it was all sticky. Like the drunken, amoral gentleman that he is, he makes sure to apologize to Julie for their predicament and then, like the drunken, amoral gentleman he is, they accidentally end up in bed together. Wisely, Julie spurns his advances . . . for the time being at least. She is, in fact, amazed by his wanton amorality but she is classy enough to cordially leave the scene. You know, now they just have to end up together; she brings the class and he brings the sass. And I bring the cheese.
Elsewhere, Barney, everyone’s favorite cuckold, searches the Internet for mentions of Leon’s derriere. Luckily for him, he discovers a website literally bent on REVENGE against the owner of the smiley-face tattoo. It even has “REVENGE!” spelled out just like that; I always thought that was my gimmick. Damned movie. Later, Leon and Julie go to a bunch of interviews, which largely prove futile. Julie, since she’s the brains (and the common sense) of the operation, freaks out at the situation. Luckily for them, they have a meeting with none other than Mark McKinney; I guess the whole screenwriting gig didn’t pan out very well as he’s now the general manager of a podunk radio station . . . a religious radio station. Leon and Julie, unsurprisingly, since it is the least likely place for them to find employment, get a job there. Oh, the hilarity! The celebration is short-lived, however, as Leon interviews a matronly nun about a “missionary position in Bangkok.” The cheeky use of entendre overwhelms Leon’s barely veiled sensibilities; he finally breaks down and gives the nun a heart attack with his shtick. Of course, he and Julie lose their jobs not long after. Julie, finally fed up with Leon’s antics, leaves him in the dust. Good for her.
In order to drown his sorrows, Leon does what he does best: gets some. And then Kevin McDonald delivers his mail. Here’s one of the beautiful things about SNL movies: if you’ve ever been on either Saturday Night Live or The Kids in the Hall and remain in good standing with Uncle Lorne, you’ll always have a part waiting for you in an SNL production. Leon, oh-so hilariously, throws his bills into the water just so that he can quickly reveal the plot device du jour, which is a letter promising astronomical riches and signed by a mysterious “Sweet Thing.” Ooh . . . feel the suspense! After receiving the letter, Leon meets with Julie for no particular reason; she confesses that, instead of following up on the contents of the enigmatic letter, she can just call in a favor with her ex-fiancé (who JUST HAPPENS to also work in radio) so that she and Leon can find another job. Leon, since he may have a soft spot for his HOT CHICK producer, objects to her idea, but she replies by freaking out.
Somewhere within the Windy City, in a nondescript-yet-spooky building, Barney meets with the rest of the guys bent on REVENGE . . . and their leader, Will Ferrell! Oh yeah! This movie has been pretty tame up to this point, but Ferrell will bring the funny! At least I hope he does. I really do. After the group asserts that they are, of course, out for REVENGE, Ferrell keeps the tradition of involved backstories going; it seems that he’s an Olympic-level Greco-Roman wreslter named Lance DeLune – who also seems to be homoerotically excited by the concept of well-oiled grappling. Ah, there’s nothing like clumsy foreshadowing. During his exposition – figurative exposition . . . let there be no man junk, please – Ferrell unleashes the intensity and harnesses the awesome fires of man-love. Why does that sound dirtier than I actually meant it to be? Anyway, he was the one that founded the vigilante support group . . . but I suspect that it’s all a ruse so that he can pick up and violate emotionally weakened men and do them in a very uncomfortable place. Like the back of a Volkswagen. Brodie Bruce would be proud. After a bit of arguing regarding the true identity of the mysterious individual cuckolding them, a tell-tale lighter is discovered! Dum-dum-DUM!
Meanwhile, at the bar, Leon rallies the troops so that they can begin the search for “Sweet Thing.” In perhaps the first laugh-inducing moment in the film, Leon assigns his drinking buddy Scrap Iron (John Witherspoon) to search all of Asia, or, as Leon calls it, “freaky-deaky sex world.” OK, I have to admit it: that was funny. Damn you for having a funny line, movie! Luckily for Scrap Iron, another of the bar’s patrons figures out that the letter is postmarked from Chicago, which is quite obvious if you – I don’t know – look at the envelope? Sheesh. I know Leon’s supposed to be somewhat dense, but that’s a bit egregious. After this unbelievable stretch of logic, Leon meets with a snappy HOT CHICK (Tamala Jones); he steals some of her Courvoisier, but then learns that she is not the “Sweet Thing” he’s looking for. Obi-Wan Kenobi would be proud. Unfortunately for Leon, the HOT CHICK does not suffer ill-advised Star Wars references well, so he ends up forcibly ejected from her apartment. Yeah . . . I think at this point it’s a running theme.
Later, the film goes to everyone’s favorite hackneyed comedy gimmick: the wacky high-speed plot-furthering montage. During said montage, Leon continues his futile search, falls into an open manhole, and takes his case to the big screen at Comiskey Park . . . or at least The Park Formerly Known as Comiskey. And that’s not even the real Comiskey Park; that was torn down more than a decade ago – but I digress. Oh, yeah; I forgot something: oh, the hilarity! There we go. After his unimpressive attempt at a humorous montage, Leon meets with Julie’s ex-fiancé Cyrus (Rocky Carroll) at Lester’s. Cyrus, since he is to be a ying to Leon’s yang (or a wing to Leon’s wang), is a stereotypical prick businessman. Cyrus inconsiderately insults Julie, so Leon stands up for her honor . . . which somehow leads to a pickled entrails eating contest. So the movie is suddenly an episode of Fear Factor now? After the two combatants ingest increasingly disgusting variety meats, Cyrus throws in the towel, or throws up in a towel as the case may be, after munching on some yummy feces. Cyrus exits quickly after and Julie’s honor remains intact. Yay for her.
Sometime later, the men bent for REVENGE meet up outside Leon’s original radio station . . . and a gay lil’ musical number breaks out. OK then. That’s . . . nonsensical. The mob gracefully overruns the radio station; Bucky, fresh from eliminating the Red Sox from their shot at the World Series, informs the avengers just where to locate their quarry. I’d look near some rocks, but that’s just me. Oh . . . FIGURATIVE quarry. Silly me. Yeah . . . very silly me. Meanwhile, Leon meets with Julianne Moore, who plays a very randy clown. Yes, Julianne Moore is a clown. You have to admire her professionalism; she’s game for anything! Bravo, Ms. Moore; bravo. Meanwhile, the cuckold crew musically infiltrates Leon’s houseboat and they end up torching the Ladies Man’s garish abode.
The next day, the vengeful gang arrives at Lester’s for a drink and some information regarding the whereabouts of Leon Phelps. Leon, present the whole time, nearly sneaks out while Ferrell reveals his plans for REVENGE! Leon is discovered, but escapes to the safety of a Chicago city bus. Sometime later, perhaps weeks later, Leon wakes up on the front porch of an affluent black couple somewhere in one of Chicago’s classier neighborhoods. It turns out that they’re actually Julie’s parents; why Leon would know where Julie’s parents live is a mystery that may go unsolved forever. Leon wins them over with his unparalleled charisma (and perhaps the possibility of a ménage à trois); he then hangs out with Julie in her childhood bedroom. Why do I have the feeling he’s going to end up with curlers in his hair and playing Mystery Date? That might be possible as Leon blames his “wang” for their troubles and travails. In order to console Leon and quell his thoughts of becoming a voluntary eunuch, Julie confesses her true feelings: Leon’s an idiot. Wow . . . tell us something we don’t know, Julie.
Of course, this is all a red herring – Wadsworth would be proud – as Leon gets sentimental over Julie and then, in a totally SHOCKING development, they kiss. See; I told you so! Of course, I’ve already seen the whole movie, but it’s not like you couldn’t have predicted it from the beginning. It’s not totally simple, though, as, while snogging Julie, Leon finally figures out that “Sweet Thing” is actually security magnate Honey DeLune (wait for the oh-so unsurprising plot twist), played by Kelly Kapowski herself, Tiffani Thiessen. OK, I know a lot of guys find Ms. Thiessen quite attractive, but I don’t see it. To me, she’s always seemed, well . . . puffy. And I don’t just mean in the chest, by the way. Anyway, in a development that anyone who pays attention to characters’ last names can understand, Honey is not only unhealthily obsessed with Leon, but also the wife of Lance DeLune! Oh . . . the hilarity.
After this unbelievable revelation, Leon goes shopping. Yeah, that makes sense. After the spree, he visits his friends at the bar and celebrates the fact that he will, quite soon, be coming into money by coming into Honey. Julie, conveniently, arrives just in time to overhear Leon’s toast to his sure windfall and she’s, unsurprisingly, heartbroken. Wow . . . this is like Shakespeare for the mentally deficient. The VERY mentally deficient. Again, unsurprisingly, Julie gives Leon a stiff right to the face as a going-away present . . . and then she hits the bottle. See; that is why they’ll never work: he drinks cognac, she drinks whiskey. Those are two libations that don’t mix.
That evening, Leon arrives at Honey’s luxurious mansion and finds her dressed in lingerie and very bizarrely creepy. Of course, serendipitously, just as Honey puts the moves on her illicit paramour, the cheated mob shows up outside the house, still bent on REVENGE! You know, that’s quite a long way to go for REVENGE! Leon, listening to his conscience for perhaps the first time in his life, has second thoughts regarding Honey’s advances and plans. Outside the house, Lance has another homoerotic moment while, inside, Leon finally realizes he’s really in love with Julie . . . just as we were all expecting from the start. Wow; that’s anticlimactic.
I guess we’ll just have to resolve all the lingering plotlines at this point, so the gang catches Leon fooling around with Lance’s wife, but he fends them off by exposing his prodigious wang – luckily for us, we don’t get to see it. Lance, since his vague sexual orientation makes him immune from the amazing effects of man junk, challenges Leon to a wrestling match . . . a very well-oiled wrestling match. Yeah, that’s masculine. During the course of the duel, Leon, honorable sportsman that he is, takes the initiative and pummels Lance unmercifully. Lance, like Laertes before him, concedes the point, but Barney channels the spirit of Claudius, freaks out, and pulls out a gun! Ooh . . . smell the tension! Leon, everyone’s favorite well-hung hero, makes like Jesus protecting the guilty prostitute and plays peacemaker while Julie arrives just in time to witness Leon proclaiming his love for her. The mob, REVENGE now the last thing from their minds, breaks up dejectedly. OK, now that was REALLY anticlimactic.
I guess it’s time for a denouement, and the movie, surprisingly, provides one. In the aftermath, Leon and Julie, as we all know and predicted, end up together and Leon finds another job and becomes mind-numbingly successful. Sometime later, Julie gets herself a geri-curl and has a kid with Leon. Aww . . . isn’t that sweet? Although, wouldn’t that make him The Ladies Boy? And would that be a terrible joke?
I don’t know what’s more depressing: the fact that I actually watched this entire movie or the fact that I only laughed once while watching it. Unbelievably, The Ladies Man is quite like its small-screen precursor; there’s essentially one or two particularly funny jokes in the sketch and that’s about it. That’s not a problem over the course of a five- to seven-minute sketch; for a nearly ninety-minute movie, however, that trait can be deadly, just as it is in this case. Honestly, it doesn’t help that the film itself, formulaic plot aside, seems as if it is just a series of unfunny skits strung together to fill in time, like the shopping bit, the “comedy” montage, and, especially, the Fear Factor segment. In all, though, one laugh is better than no laughs, I suppose.
Next week: we begin a double feature of two of the most Misunderstood Masterpieces of recent cinematic history.
