Misunderstood Masterpieces: The Matrix Reloaded
Posted by Will Helm on 06.30.2004
…or, Dammit, I Shouldn’t Have Used That “Neo . . .” Line For Commando
It was the spring of 1999. I remember it well. I was a college senior just slogging through the end of my time at my august institution of higher learning. The embattled Clinton administration was still in the White House. Wayne Gretzky was wrapping up his hockey career. Ummm . . . other than that, I really don’t remember much else. Damned collegiate extracurricular activities.
Anyway, in the spring of 1999 a cinematic maelstrom was loosed upon screens around the country. The name of this storm of the silver screen: The Matrix. You couldn’t go anywhere without someone saying something about just how good The Matrix was. It was hailed as “the new Star Wars.” It made trench coats and big guns seem really cool. It introduced industrial techno to the mainstream consciousness. Everyone seemed to want me to go see it, to go experience it. Could this be a burgeoning cultural phenomenon?
Honestly, I don’t know, because I never went to see it. What can I say? I’m lazy. I finally caught it on cable a year later or so and . . . well, it was alright. I can’t dispute that the visuals weren’t awesome; it was the inscrutable story that hurt the film. You see, one of the most annoying qualities of the average sycophantic Matrix booster was their constant pontificating on the barely profound underlying story. If I had to listen to any more theories that “Neo is the geek Messiah” I would’ve lost my mind. Then again, that assumes that I had a mind to begin with.
Of course, with The Matrix’s surprising box office success, it comes as no surprise that the film spawned a franchise and was made into the first third of a cinematic trilogy. Now, not to knock one of our best 411Movies features, but why does it always have to be a trilogy? I’d love for someone to make a quadrilogy or a quintilogy sometime, just to buck the system. Taking a page from The Lord of the Rings, the two follow-ups to the original film were to be filmed back-to-back, enabling the filmmakers to release both films in the same calendar year! That way, the slavering fanboy masses needn’t worry about not getting their proper Neo fix. One problem, though: what if the sequels weren’t half as good as the original? Maybe we need to explore this further to find out for sure . . .
Right from the get-go, the film introduces you to its predominant concept, its metaphysical conceit, if you will: reality is just an illusion manufactured by a computer program. How do we know this? Well, the cascading characters known as “the matrix” from the first film slowly transform into a clock! Oh . . . how exciting. Just in case you thought it wasn’t, Trinity (Carrie-Anne Moss), everyone’s favorite patent-leather clad heroine, crashes her motorcycle into a tollbooth or something and it explodes dramatically. She then beats up a guy for a few moments before teleporting into the midst of falling out of a high window. A very well-dressed individual follows her out the broken window; while falling in slow motion, she gets shot . . . dramatically. And then Neo (Keanu Reeves) wakes up. Oh, it was all a bad dream. Whoop-de-doo.
On the stately ship Nebuchadnezzar, fearless captain Morpheus (Laurence Fishburne) is intense. This isn’t shocking, though; he’s ALWAYS intense. If the dude ever cracked a smile, the strain would probably kill him. Anyway, the ship is cruising aimlessly through the underground of the ravaged Earth, which is now in the hands of the infernal “machines” which live off of the energy of human batteries. Yeah, I know. It’s a lot to digest all at once . . . deal with it. In the midst of it all, Morpheus just wants his helmsman, the guy in the wheelchair from Oz (Harold Perrineau), to trust him. No word on whether after that Morpheus then referred to him as “little buddy” and then hit him with his own hat. Elsewhere, Neo and Trinity have a little chat over breakfast, where they talk about . . . something. It’s probably one of those goofy dysfunctional relationship things where one of them wants to talk about their feelings and the other just humors him or her.
Somewhere else, in this case at a summit of allies in the “matrix world,” plug-haired ship captain Niobe (Jada Pinkett Smith), provides the exposition as she states that the infernal machines are slowly digging their way to Zion. The humans needn’t worry, however, as professional boxer Roy Jones Jr. is on their side! No, really. After Morpheus and his motley crew of heroes arrive, someone in an Audi drives up outside, which causes Neo to freak out . . . for some unexplained reason. Oh no. I hope it’s not one of those “explain the obvious and ignore the rest” kind of movies. I shudder in fear at the thought. Morpheus, all intense-like, takes over the floor of the meeting and instantly begins strategizing; Roy Jones Jr., crafty skeptic, plays Devil’s Advocate to his conjectures.
After Neo wanders away from the rest of the group, the “agents,” programs that unmercifully police the “matrix world,” show up. Neo, since he does know kung-fu, fights three of them off while orchestral dance music plays in the background. Neo, then taking advantage of one of the cooler aspects of the film’s conceit, takes flight. Why is it a “cooler aspect”? Well, since Neo knows that the “matrix world” is really just a figment of his imagination, if he can stretch the laws of physics in his mind he can do it in the “matrix world.” At least that’s what I think he’s doing. The movie doesn’t really take the time to explain anyway . . . so I guess it just is one of those aforementioned movies, then. Then again, Neo could just be the new existential Superman; Sartre would be proud. Oh, after Neo makes like a tree and leaves, sinister Agent Elrond (Hugo Weaving) – who we’ll just call Smith from this point forward – talks to himself. A moment or two later, Neo goes to an empty apartment for no adequately explained reason. I guess we’re just left to figure it out on our own or something.
Meanwhile, in the “real world,” the Nebuchadnezzar pulls into Zion, where the crew disembarks. Upon their arrival, Morpheus, in all his intense glory, is summoned by the city’s high command. Neo, on the other hand, just has to deal with this creepy little sycophantic guy who is just a naïve wannabe soldier. Oddly enough, I get the awful feeling that he’ll be the weak link later in the series . . . that’s always how these things seem to play out anyway. Within the walls and offices of Zion, Morpheus meets with Commander Lock (Harry Lennix), the stuffy leader of Zion’s military. Morpheus, it seems, in addition to being intensity personified, is also dangerously rebellious. The stuffy commander wishes to decommission Morpheus for his insubordination, but some old guy shows up to intervene. He's skeptical of Morpheus due to the captain’s adherence to the “Oracle’s” mumbo-jumbo, but Morpheus is intensely optimistic on the matter.
Elsewhere in Zion, Neo and Trinity make out in an elevator. Their passion is short-lived, however, as the doors open to reveal a throng of vaguely religious zealots waiting for their Messiah. Meanwhile, Link, the guy in the wheelchair from Oz, goes home to see Mrs. Link. She’s upset with his term of service, but he channels the ‘70s and calms her nerves with the dulcet tones of jive. Barbara Billingsley would be proud. Later that evening, or day, or night – there’s no sun underground, after all – the old guy from before speaks in front of a blue-screen audience. It turns out that he’s Morpheus’ opening act that night; the crowd, understandably, goes nuts once our intense second-fiddle takes the stage. Morpheus gives a cheerleading speech to the gathered masses below – intensely, of course. He’s like a science fiction General Patton, just without the jodhpurs. After such a rip-roaring speech, what’s the only thing for the crowd to do? If you said “have an orgiastic rave,” you’re right. If you said “the Olsen twins are finally legal,” you’re a few weeks behind the times. While the nameless citizens of Zion party down old-school, Niobe and Morpheus, once a couple, chat; Commander Lock, her new beau, quickly puts a stop to the fraternizing. Deep within the bowels of Zion, Neo and Trinity make out some more while I wonder if the film has just become an overblown music video. It must be, as Neo and Trinity GET IT ON . . . and then Neo has another premonition after orgasm, as well as what seemed like an eternity of sex and dancing.
Later, Zion shuts out the lights and Morpheus, perhaps toning down the intensity a bit, says goodnight to the fair city. Out in the “matrix world,” some guy gets transformed into another Agent Smith and then he gets sucked into a phone to the “real world.” And then Neo wakes up again. Ooh . . . there’s nothing like watching Neo wake up over and over and over. Repetition rocks! Intensely! He goes wandering around the city, where he finds himself chatting with the old guy from before. It seems that the random old guy has problems with is O.P.T. – Old People Time. For those not in the know, O.P.T. is the propensity for the elderly to wake up at insanely early hours just because. My day usually ends at 4 AM, not begins. Anyway, while the old guy complains about his situation, Neo confesses that he fears that he is just a mere human and not the geek Messiah everyone makes him out to be. Perhaps to calm Neo’s nerves or to confuse the astute viewer, the old guy, in turn, confesses that actual machines help run Zion from the inside! Stop the presses . . . it’s a city built on hypocrisy! Of course, that shouldn’t be surprising, as we learn, in the midst of the old guy’s and Neo’s quasi-philosophical ramblings, that Zion is run by the elderly. That explains why a box of Depends is only $2.50 down there.
Afterwards, Roy Jones Jr. visits Neo and gives him a disk from the “Oracle.” Elsewhere, Link packs up his stuff and his woman gives him a good luck charm. On the way to the Nebuchadnezzar, “real world” Agent Smith guy almost kills Neo, but he is foiled by the sycophant, who returns to give Neo a spoon. No, really. We’re really plumbing the depths of profundity here, aren’t we? Next thing you know, René Magritte will show up just to say “Ce n’est pas une cuillère.” Then, for some reason, the stuffy commander and the old guy argue about something. Whatever.
Later, Neo somehow ends up in Hong Kong to see the “Oracle.” Instead of his quarry, Neo comes upon a mysterious Asian dude (Collin Chou) and fights him for no particular reason. Whoa . . . I guess he still knows kung-fu. After a few minutes of high-intensity sparring – yet Morpheus is nowhere to be found – Neo bests the mysterious Asian dude, who then takes Neo to the Oracle’s backdoor. Hmm . . . either the matrix needs to be patched or Neo should have some Vaseline handy. Neo enters the backdoor and spies the Oracle (Gloria Foster) sitting on a bench in the middle of an inner-city basketball court. Yes, filmmakers, we know she’s black, but you still don’t have to feed into stereotypes like that. Actually, in “matrix world,” we learn that the Oracle isn’t really black or a person at all, but a program! Oh the (lack of) HUMANITY! Worse than that, she’s even a cryptic program – or would she be encrypted in this case? Anyway, she gives some sort of obtuse explanation about what’s going on in the two disparate worlds and then she debunks the supernatural as just faulty programming. OK, then. Good to know next time I’m face to face with an angry werewolf.
After politely letting her complete her spiel, Neo discusses his dreams with her and finds out that he is just a slave to his destiny, which is a rather depressing thought. If there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s predestination. John Calvin would not be proud. Just before Neo takes his leave from the scene, the Oracle entreats him with a quest: he must rescue the “Keymaker” from the “Merovingian”! Ooh . . . Vinz Clortho and an ancient, obscure French king! That’s excitement! Oh, wait; Vinz Clortho was the “Keymaster.” And here I thought we would have a Moranis sighting. Moments later, Agent Smith arrives on the scene, quite upset that Neo had the audacity to come back from the dead. Of course, Agent Smith himself is back from the “dead” . . . but he’s being very rebellious and is bent on REVENGE! Oh, and he brought help too: a legion of Agent Smiths! As a prelude, the lead Agent Smith attempts to absorb Neo, but our hero resists the nefarious rogue program so they start fighting . . . and fighting . . . and fighting . . .
. . . And fighting, until the Agents Smith gain the upper hand and dogpile Neo, who quickly throws them all off and then flies away. Wimp. Back in Zion, the stuffy guy reveals his strategy for defending the city from the machines and the council of old people gives him the authority to take action. It’s not complete authority, however, as they also order him to dispatch two ships to search for the lost Nebuchadnezzar. The council requests volunteers against the commander’s protestations; some other guy and Niobe answer the challenge, much to the stuffy commander’s chagrin.
Back in the “matrix world,” Neo and the crew go off to meet the Merovingian (Lambert Wilson), who’s nothing more than a pretentious French guy with a HOT CHICK wife (Monica Bellucci). Oh, and he also has a pair of twin albino Rastafarian bodyguards (Neil and Adrian Rayment). Right off the bat, the good guys reveal that they’re looking for the Keymaker; the Merovingian counters by philosophizing and then pontificating about the deleterious effects of a Matrix cheesecake which he made on the female anatomy. OK, so his evil is somewhere between Nietzsche and Kierkegaard then? Whatever. I’ve had enough philosophy lessons in my life, so I try to struggle to stay awake through this one as well. Anyway, after the phenomenology class, the Merovingian dismisses our heroes with the message that the Oracle’s time is almost over. Sure, buddy. Will do.
As the trio of do-gooders exits, Persephone, the Merovingian’s HOT CHICK wife, intercepts them and promises to bring the group to the Keymaker. All she wants in return in a passionate kiss from Neo; I guess that the Merovingian isn’t as good a lover as he is a chef de pâtisserie. Even though Trinity gets jealous, Neo gives in and makes out with the HOT CHICK. Now, honestly, if given the choice between Carrie-Anne Moss’ lips and Monica Bellucci’s, which would you choose? I thought so. After completing the liplock, Persephone takes the group through the kitchen and into a finely appointed chateau. She then “kills” one of the guards – he’s just a program – and they all go down to the dungeon to meet the Keymaker (Randall Duk Kim). The friendly Asian tinker is set free, but not before the Merovingian busts into the room . . . and we learn that Persephone isn’t the only one to enjoy the pleasures of someone’s lips. Um . . . that’s more than I needed to know, honestly.
After finding his infidelity revealed to the crowd, the Merovingian orders the twin Rastafarians into action; they chase Morpheus, Trinity, and the Keymaker from the room, leaving Neo behind. Should he be worried? Of course not! He can simply deflect about a thousand bullets with his mind as a prelude to a fight with the Merovingian’s henchmen. And so they fight . . . and fight . . . and fight some more. Oh, and they’re still fighting . . . with a marvelous array of weapons, no less. At least that makes it somewhat more exciting than before. Neo, unsurprisingly, defeats them. Shocking, I know. Meanwhile, the Rastafarian albinos corner Trinity, Morpheus, and the Keymaker in a parking garage. Morpheus fights them off, allowing the trio to escape. Elsewhere, Neo finds himself up in the mountains for no particular reason. Luckily for him, he has the ability to fly and fly he does.
On the streets of the unnamed “matrix world” city, a car chase breaks out; the pursuit then quickly shifts to the freeway, where one of the Rastafarian albinos somehow ends up in our heroes’ car. While Trinity and Morpheus fight the pigmentally challenged henchman – while still driving the car – some agents arrive on the scene to add to their miseries. Through sheer luck, or just because the movie has to go on for about half an hour more, Trinity and the Keymaker escape, leaving Morpheus behind to blow up the Rastafarian albinos. As Trinity steals a motorcycle from off of a moving truck, Morpheus catches the Keymaker out of the air, somehow, and tosses him onto a tractor trailer. Trinity escapes again, leaving Morpheus and the Keymaker behind to fight an agent while perched precariously on top of a moving truck! Feel the drama! Eat the suspense! After yet another overly long martial arts display, Morpheus falls off the back of the truck and conveniently onto the hood of Niobe’s car! Let’s hear it for well-timed rescues! Morpheus, out for REVENGE, recovers, knocks the agent off of the vehicle, and then – conveniently again – Neo arrives just in time to carry Morpheus and the Keymaker from the scene just as two agents play a deadly game of chicken with a pair of eighteen-wheelers.
Later, at another summit of anti-matrix leaders, we learn that the machines are STILL tunneling toward Zion. For being highly advanced technology, those machines must be terribly slow diggers. After this SHOCKING revelation, the Keymaker gives a speech to those assembled; the crux of his cryptic spiel is that there’s a building or something that they have to infiltrate or blow up or take over or something. It’s rather annoying when you hide your suspect plot points behind a thick veil of gobbledygook. Methinks this script wasn’t very well thought out when shooting began . . . it’s just a hunch. Back in the “real world,” Neo and Trinity have yet another heart-to-heart while, in the “matrix world,” the Keymaker goes on with his speech. After the Keymaker’s esoteric exposition, the heroes get ready for action as Morpheus gives an intense speech. You know, this really is a movie of extremes: there’s either a lot happening, or nothing at all. Anyway, Neo, because he’s concerned about his precognitive dreams from earlier in the picture coming true, tells Trinity to stay behind on this mission. Of course she’s not happy about it, but she does what he says . . . for the moment, at least.
Over in “matrix world,” Niobe infiltrates a power plant but her allies on some ship somewhere are killed in the “real world,” negating their existence in the “matrix world.” Whatever. We don’t have any emotional attachment to them anyway, so why should I mourn? Regardless of the casualties, the next stage in the plan takes effect as the power plant explodes, successfully but insufficiently blacking out a portion of the city. Utilizing the power failure as a distraction, the Keymaker leads Neo and Morpheus through the halls of some building. Meanwhile, in order to complete Niobe’s job, Trinity disobeys Neo’s wishes and enters the matrix. Uh-oh. Back in the nondescript building, a zillion Agents Smith show up to slow our heroes’ progress. During the fight, Morpheus lets his intensity slip down, nearly allowing himself to be absorbed by the sinister Agent clones; Neo rescues him and then they duck through a door which the Keymaker has conveniently opened for them. Unfortunately, our little Asian tinker can’t enjoy the festivities as he’s too busy dying of multiple gunshot wounds.
Once inside the antechamber, Neo goes through a mysterious glowing door; Tangina Barrons would be proud. On the other side of the luminescent portal is . . . the “Architect” (Helmut Bakaitis) – or, a very boring old guy with a very large vocabulary. Accompanying the Architect inside the room are hundreds of television screens, each featuring Neo! Wow . . . that’s deep or something. Hopefully his fifteen minutes will be up soon. Elsewhere in “matrix world,” Trinity fights an Agent while the Architect vents his frustrations with his terrible creation. It turns out that the matrix isn’t just an illusory cloud over the heads of humanity but also a really buggy computer program. I guess the Architect wasn’t very good with his code; maybe he should have beta tested it first. Anyway, as he slowly puts me to sleep with his monotonic diatribe, he gives Neo a patented “superhero moral conundrum™”: save Trinity from the death Neo foresaw, or save Zion and humanity by shutting down the matrix.
Surprisingly, since he’s not quite the virtuous and selfless hero we all thought he was, Neo flies out of the compound in order to rescue . . . Trinity. Great; that means that we all have to die just because Neo wants to get some. Selfish prick. After seemingly bending the laws of time and space – in the fake “matrix world” at least – Neo catches Trinity just before she hits the ground because everything he dreamed earlier in the film has come true up to that point. Neo and a dying Trinity alight upon the top of a building, where Neo reaches into Trinity and pulls out the offending bullet barehanded! Umm . . . that’s cheesy. But wait, there’s more! In spite of Neo’s emergency surgery/faith-healing, Trinity dies anyway . . . so Neo performs some matrix CPR in order to successfully resuscitate her! You have really got to be kidding me. OK . . . forget about all the logistics of this scene and just ponder how it reflects poorly on Neo as a character: he saves Trinity just because she’s some available poontang, but he screws over the Keymaker, who he could’ve saved in the same way, and humanity, who he forsook for Trinity, in the process. For being a hero and a Messianic figure, Neo really is a jerk.
Back in the “real world,” Neo confesses that, due to his “choice,” Zion is now doomed. Oh, and the “prophecy” that Morpheus so dearly clings to is a lie as well. Morpheus, his entire belief system shattered by Neo’s revelation, trades his intensity for heartbreak. Then, simply to add insult to injury and compound Morpheus’ sorrows, a group of machines arrive, leading the crew of the Nebuchadnezzar to disembark as the stately craft is blown to teeny tiny bits. Luckily for all of them, just as the machines are about to turn their aggressions on the heroes, Neo finally does something selfless and fights off the foes with his undefined superpowers . . . and then he passes out. Afterwards, the group is rescued by another ship, Neo is comatose, there’s a traitor within the Zion military, and evil goatee-wearing Agent Smith guy is unconscious on the ship as well! And then “To be concluded” comes on the screen. Boo!
Well . . . that ended abruptly – and on a cliffhanger, too! I guess the filmmakers really wanted to make sure that the audience came back to find out just what happens to Neo and the rest, as well as the last bastion of Zion. Unfortunately, a lot of fans were disappointed by the mediocrity of this film, so a good deal of them didn’t bother to find out. If ever there were a case of an action movie that just didn’t have enough action, this was it. Of course, there were the BIG set pieces, but most of them either dragged on too long or fell victim to terrible CGI effects . . . or both. And then there was the plot, which took an obtuse concept from the first film and mired it in technobabble even more! Throughout it all, though, we can stay optimistic, because redemption may be close at hand; join me next week as we discover just what fate lies in store for our heroes in The Matrix Revolutions!
