Misunderstood Masterpieces: The Matrix Revolutions
Posted by Will Helm on 07.06.2004
…or, Fear and Loathing in Zion
Don’t worry; you’ll understand the reference soon enough.
Last week, we investigated the disappointing and underwhelming follow-up to 1999’s The Matrix, The Matrix Reloaded. Of course, the level of box-office disappointment – even though the gross was almost $300,000,000 in the U.S. – was fairly unexpected for the filmmakers behind the franchise, as the third installment of the trilogy was already made and in the can at the time of the sequel’s release. Instead of just washing their hands of the matter, the final part of the series was released to little fanfare. This was a shrewd maneuver on their part; why spend a good deal of money marketing something that may be a flop? The decision to limit advertising was a good choice, as the final film’s performance was the weakest of the three, just barely clearing the budget. Could the loss of goodwill from the mediocrity of the second film have hurt the franchise that badly, or was The Matrix Revolutions worthy of such apathy? Let’s find out and finish this puppy up.
When we last left our intrepid group of heroes in the “real world,” i.e. not the illusory world created by the matrix, Neo (Keanu Reeves), the Messianic superhero of the series, was comatose after exerting his powers to their maximum capacity. Lying beside him in the infirmary was an incognito version of his nemesis, the sinister Agent Smith (Hugo Weaving), named Bane (Ian Bliss). Guess what? At the start of this film, they’re still there! How novel. Meanwhile, elsewhere on the ship, a bunch of guys in tattered sweaters talk about Niobe (Jada Pinkett Smith) and some other guy named Ghost (Anthony Wong), who I don’t quite remember from The Matrix Reloaded. Over in the infirmary, Trinity (Carrie-Anne Moss) stays with the incapacitated Neo while fake Agent Smith guy lays there as well. Continuing yet another plotline from the last film, we also find out that the “machines,” the matrix’s tools that seek the eradication of the human race, are burrowing their way to Zion, the last city of humanity, and will reach the urban center in twenty hours. Thanks for catching us up to everything that we might have forgotten since the last film, movie! Also at the meeting of the minds is Morpheus (Laurence Fishburne), intense one-time captain of the ship Nebuchadnezzar, who excuses himself to take a call from the mysterious Asian guy (Collin Chou) from the last movie.
While all of this is going on, Neo wakes up . . . in an empty train station that is neither in the “real world” or the “matrix world”! OK, just how many parallel universes are there? This is slowly starting to turn into a mid-‘80s DC comic or something. Then again, it’s not surprising, since Time Warner owns DC Comics and Warner Bros. (another subsidiary of Time Warner) made The Matrix. Although next thing you know, Barry Allen is going to show up out of the blue. Anyway, back at the train station, Neo meets with a little Indian girl (Tanveer K. Atwal) who helpfully provides some cryptic exposition for our hero. Meanwhile, Morpheus and Trinity, responding to the mysterious Asian guy’s call, visit the “new” Oracle (Mary Alice). Why do I say “new” Oracle? Well, Gloria Foster, the actress that portrayed the Oracle in the last film, passed away before this one was started, hence the need for a new actress. Oddly enough, Morpheus and Trinity actually acknowledge the fact that the Oracle seems “different.” Good for them.
After a bit of small talk, the Oracle explains that she had been punished by the matrix for aiding and abetting Neo’s activities. She also tells Neo’s partners-in-crime that our favorite modern-day Messiah is in danger from the threat of the Train Man – whoever he is – and that the Merovingian (Lambert Wilson) has put a price on the trio’s heads. Morpheus, not quite the same since his ship was destroyed in the last film, musters up what little reserves of intensity he has left and soldiers on. Back at the train station in the middle of existential nowhere, Neo meets the little Indian girl’s “family,” who, in actuality, are just a group of related programs. Eh, whatever. The girl’s father provides a little more exposition for our hero, all the while sounding like a subcontinental Peter Lorre. Then, for no reason in particular, he and Neo discuss the nature of love. Um . . . OK. That was random.
Back in the “matrix world,” Morpheus, Trinity, and the mysterious Asian guy meet up with a crazy hobo on a train (Bruce Spence) . . . who’s packing heat! Ah, I guess he’s the Train Man; then again, I guess that’s painfully obvious. The Train Man makes a run for it and the heroes give chase, but the derelict gets away anyway. Over at the train station on the edge of forever, Neo and the Indian guy chat more about the state of things in very vague terms. Really, the Indian guy makes absolutely no sense, as it just seems he’s obsessed with words. Ah, so he’s either an etymologist or a spellcheck program. Ha . . . isn't that funny: “spellcheck” isn’t in the Microsoft Word dictionary. Score one for Irony. After a few minutes of this witty repartee, a phantom subway arrives at the station and the Indian family embarks; Neo, however, is refused entry by . . . the Train Man! Wow; we couldn’t have seen that coming. I guess Neo really didn’t, as he gets beat down for his troubles. While Neo recovers from the bludgeoning, the train departs; Neo tries to chase it, but he just ends up looping back upon himself. Oh well.
Over in “matrix world,” Morpheus, Trinity, and the mysterious Asian guy take out some random henchmen in a parking garage. OK, is it just me or does it seem like the bulk of these movies take place in parking garages? I don’t quite remember if it holds true in the first film, but I do recall that in The Matrix Reloaded there are at least two set pieces that take place in parking garages. I really think they need to find some more varied locales for shooting . . . not that it matters, since this is the last film anyway. So our three heroes go into a bar – stop me if you’ve heard this already – and shoot up the place. The henchmen present do the wisest thing they can think of: they avoid the gunfire by walking on the ceiling! Now, if they start dancing, Lionel Ritchie would be SO proud. Of course, the ruse doesn’t last long, as the henchmen are quickly shot down from their precarious perches.
On the other side of the bar, the trio of heroes ends up in the middle of a rave (what is it with these movies and raves? Is it just another hard-sell of the soundtrack?); conveniently for all, the Merovingian and his HOT CHICK wife (Monica Bellucci) just happen to be there! Upon seeing his rivals stalking across the dance floor, the Merovingian stops the music and starts talking trash. Through the slew of incendiary remarks, the heroic wipers of other people’s bottoms make their way through the crowd and go up to meet with the Frenchman. Instead of triumphantly exclaiming “Fetchez la vache!” the Merovingian goes into an existential ramble loosely involving Newtonian physics for no particular reason. Whatever, dude. Just because you majored in philosophy doesn’t mean you have to torture us with it. Next thing you know he’s going to start talking about Descartes, but I don’t want to go on Descartes. Morpheus, whose father smelled of elderberries – intense elderberries, offers the Merovingian a deal, perhaps just to shut him up; the Merovingian requests the Oracle’s eyes in exchange for Neo. After mere seconds of negotiation, the “heroes’” impatience gets the best of them and a fight breaks out! Trinity, because she hasn’t done much of anything up to this point, corners the Merovingian, greatly undermining his bargaining power by pointing a gun at his forehead.
I guess the Merovingian, when faced with eternal peril, gives in, because at the train station of Ultima Thule, Neo induces a hallucination on how to get out of the situation. Oddly enough, it just happens to be as easy as a train pulling up and Trinity getting out to rescue him. Unsurprisingly, mainly because they seem to do it every single chance they get, the loving couple shares a tender moment together. Later, Neo meets with the Oracle himself; their conversation routely covered the umbers. Huh? That was weird. Neo, perhaps standing in for us, wants the Oracle to explain everything. I just want to know what the hell “routely covered the umbers” means. It’s right there in my notes . . . what is it? Instead of providing the helpful – though cryptic – exposition, the Oracle simply mumbles for a bit and pats down the Architect. “Pats down”? Oh . . . it should be “puts down.” Very strange. Then she tells Neo to take care of Rosemary Clone junior. Wait a minute? “Rosemary Clone junior”? Huh? Oh . . . I know what happened! It was around this part of the film that I kept falling asleep while still taking notes. I guess that my hand kept writing whatever my subconscious would tell it to write, even though I didn’t notice. I hate it when that happens . . . especially since I had read 150 pages of Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas earlier in the day and still had that clogging up my short-term memory. Hopefully I recover, or else this will be a VERY weird column – not to say that it won’t be weird to begin with.
Anyway, getting back to lucid thought, in the “real world,” fake Agent Smith guy wakes up just as the Oracle refers to Neo’s “antithesis.” Ooh . . . thanks for making that totally obvious, movie. It’s not like we couldn’t have figured that out ourselves. As if on cue, just to hammer home the point, Neo wakes up as well. Back in the “matrix world,” some guys come for the Oracle; the mysterious Asian guy spirits the little Indian girl away from the scene, because she had been there the whole time and I forgot to make a note of it until this point. The “real” Agent Smith arrives, multiplied by about a few million, and intercepts the Asian guy and the little Indian girl. He then goes to visit the Oracle; he doesn’t make friends, though. Instead, he just tries to intimidate her and mocks her abilities. Then, in a very surprising development, he absorbs her into the Smith collective, creating another newer, creepier Agent Smith.
Meanwhile, in the “real world,” fake Agent Smith guy is interrogated by the crew of the ship he’s being treated on. Elsewhere, Neo has a vision while Niobe’s ship is discovered out in the wastelands, seemingly deserted. A group of the heroes channels Aliens and disembarks to investigate; it’s all for naught, however, as Morpheus quickly finds Niobe and her crew unharmed outside their ship. As all this is going on, back in Zion, the stuffy Commander Lock (Harry Lennix) speaks in front of the city council; he outlines his plans to defend Zion, which we all know are fruitless, but we humor him anyway. We’re a nice audience like that. The council, since they’re all old and crotchety, is skeptical of his authority, but they’re really just know-nothing bureaucrats. In another part of the city, we find out that Zee (Nona Gaye), the significant other of the Nebuchadnezzar’s helmsman Link (Harold Perrineau) – who pretty much went unnamed until this point, refuses to evacuate her apartment since she plans to volunteer for the Zion defense corps. Good for her; that way she can die nobly-yet-tragically like every extraneous character in these movies.
Afterward, while goofy stuff is going on in the matrix, the collected heroes study a blueprint of something and strategize amongst themselves. Neo, everyone’s favorite Messianic hero, joins them . . . and asks for a ship that he can pilot into the machines’ capital! What is this . . . Return of the Jedi?The cranky captain of whatever ship they’re on, aghast by the request, refuses Neo, but Niobe relents and gives up her command to our hero. Down in the medical bay, fake Agent Smith guy kills some chick. OK then. Meanwhile, Neo and Trinity have yet ANOTHER heart-to-heart and we learn that Trinity, surprisingly, is quite understanding regarding Neo’s destiny. Because, you know, it’s nothing special when your boyfriend turns out to be a prophesized Messiah sent to free humanity from the yoke of technological enslavement. That happens all the time. Trinity, setting the women’s movement back about a few centuries, then reveals that she’s foolish enough to be a martyr for Neo. Silly girl. As Neo prepares to leave, Morpheus says an intense goodbye to the chosen one, and then Neo and Trinity ship off to the capital of the machines! Ooh . . . fondle the excitement!
Now, I bet you thought that Neo and Trinity would be able to sail away to Machine City without any drama, didn’t you? Well, you were wrong! Why do I say that? Well, on the ship as well as our two star-crossed lovers is none other than evil fake Agent Smith guy! While Trinity is off doing something or other on the ship, he shows up to threaten her; she valiantly fights him off until she finally decides to use a conveniently placed intercom to inform Neo of the interloper’s presence. Fake Agent Smith guy knocks her out as retribution for spoiling his big surprise. Moments later, Neo comes down to survey the situation and finds himself embroiled in a standoff with fake Agent Smith guy . . . and Trinity is in the middle! Neo, relenting to fake Agent Smith guy’s threats upon Trinity’s life, gets beat down by fake Agent Smith guy. Then fake Agent Smith guy, seizing the opportunity as if he were Eminem, holds a gun to Neo and gives a nice little gloating villain speech. Ah, it’s not a true action movie without one. Neo, once again, recovers, so he and fake Agent Smith guy fight while strobe lights go off; meanwhile, I say to myself, “Oh, no . . . another rave.” Somehow, and I never took the time to write down how, fake Agent Smith guy blinds Neo by burning out his eyes. Logically, fake Agent Smith guy thinks he has the upper hand, as nearly anyone in this position would. His celebration is short-lived, however, as Neo YET AGAIN recovers and bats off his foe’s head with a pipe. Ick.
Back in Zion, the forces of good prepare for the machines’ invasion; the crusty leader of the vanguard, Mifune (Nathaniel Lees), gives his troops a pep talk. Meanwhile, outside the city, Niobe distracts the machines with her nifty piloting maneuvers and the machines give chase! Back in the city, the machines finally breach the city walls after all that digging; the defenders fight against them valiantly, but the machines have a giant drill thing to aid them in their infiltration. Unsurprisingly, their sheer number allows them to swarm the city. Elsewhere, Zee, Link’s woman, and some other chick fire rockets at the drill thing in an effort to disable it. Outside, Niobe’s piloting skills allow the ship to evade yet more of the machines. In the city again, the machines, ruthlessly and without forgiveness, kill Zee’s crew-cut wearing partner. Back outside, Niobe’s ship is STILL evading the machines and the stuffy commander guy can’t believe it!
Just as you think everything’s going to be alright, however, there’s some manufactured drama: the gate to Zion’s docking bay can’t be opened! Niobe’s ship is going to crash right into it! Meanwhile, at the gate, Mifune, the crusty leader guy, gets torn apart by the machines; with his dying breath, he orders the sycophant, returning from obscurity, to commandeer his exo-suit and open the gate manually. He dons the suit, but the machines attack! Luckily for him, Link’s woman conveniently blasts the machines off, allowing the sycophant to open the gate. Niobe deftly flies into the dock and they blast an electromagnetic pulse, disabling the machines in the area. In the aftermath, Morpheus and Niobe bond, Link and his woman make out, the stuffy commander is furious, and there is some rejoicing. Moments later, the REAL swarm of machines enters the dock, so the humans simply seal off the main tunnel to the heart of Zion, hindering their technological nemeses’ progress.
Within Zion, the three rogue captains – Morpheus, Niobe, and the other guy – meet with the council. Unflinchingly optimistic, they pledge their support for Neo. And what is Neo doing right now? Well, oddly enough, he and Trinity conveniently arrive at Machine City. Back in Zion, the machines work together to restart the giant drill thing while the stuffy commander meets with the council himself. Why? Just so he can call out Morpheus like the stuffy punk that he is. You know, I’d think that when your city is under assault by murderous machines the last thing you’d have time for is petty, childish bickering, but I guess I’d be wrong. Over in Machine City, Neo and Trinity head for the capitol and Neo uses some of his superpowers to deflect the machines’ defensive measures. Some, but not all, though, which leads Trinity to perform evasive maneuvers and pilot the ship up, up, and away over the clouds so that she – but not blind Neo – can dramatically see the sun! Oh, it’s a miracle! Oh, it’s mystic symbolism! Oh . . . it’s silly.
Upon achieving its apex, the ship returns to the surface, where it unceremoniously crashes into a building. Wow. Good piloting there, Trinity. Of course, I shouldn’t make fun, since she’s been tragically impaled by a bunch of steel rods. This, unsurprisingly, leads to her giving Neo the “sacrificial heroine speech” . . . and then they chat for a bit. Sheesh . . . die already, will you? We all know you’re going to (again), so do it! And then, after what seems like an eternity – and me fighting off sleep once more, Trinity tragically dies AGAIN. You know, it does tend to dilute the poignancy of it when people keep dying and coming back. In the first film, Neo died and came back; in the second film, Trinity died and came back. How many chances do they get? Silly movies.
Once more unto the breach in Zion, the humans make their last stand. In Machine City, Neo wanders around – ahem – blindly. Luckily for him, he’s channeling the spirit of Daredevil and using his supercool supervision. Upon reaching the center of the city, Neo starts up a conversation with the machines’ collective consciousness, which considerately morphs into the visage of a human baby. OK, it may have been an adult human, but it looked like a big baby to me. Anyway, Neo offers the machines a bargain: peace with the humans in exchange for Neo finally ending Agent Smith’s reign of terror in the matrix. We don’t actually get an answer, but we can infer the machines’ acquiescence due to the fact that the machines invading Zion suddenly stand down. Just to hammer home the point, Morpheus slowly walks in for a closer look and doesn’t get himself killed.
Finally, back in “matrix world,” which looks totally different thanks to Agent Smith’s ascendancy, Neo walks among the assembled throng of Agents Smith in the driving rain. It all comes down to this: a High Noon-style showdown between Neo and his nemesis . . . and so they fight AGAIN! Honestly, have these movies ever heard the saying “beating a dead horse”? Usually, when someone says, “if you’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all,” they’re only kidding. That was never meant to be taken seriously, people! Perhaps just to attempt to endear itself to me by being cool, the movie shows Neo and Agent Smith v.1 fighting in midair. Nope, sorry; all your cool points have been used up long ago, movie. They then attempt to channel Highlander by dueling in an abandoned warehouse. Instead of decapitation, the only noticeable injury is Neo’s dramatically bleeding split lip. Ooh . . . he might need a stitch or two to close that one! Neo, since he doesn’t like it when he bleeds his own blood, kicks Smith out a window and then they grapple in midair again. What is this? Sci-fi movie digest? I distinctly remember something similar to this from, oh, I don’t know, Superman IV: The Quest for Peace! And, just like the evil Sun Guy before him, Agent Smith drives Neo deep into the ground. Wow. Exciting.
Agent Smith, now finally sensing triumph, gives a full-blown gloating villain speech and, in the course of it, puts down love. Uh-oh. That was a bad idea, as Smith’s comments reinvigorate Neo, Messiah and Love God that he is. Yet again, Neo nearly bests Smith with his second assault, but Smith fights him off and then has . . . déjà vu? Umm . . . how a computer program have déjà vu anyway? Much to Smith’s chagrin, Neo gets back up AGAIN (why won’t he stay down?!?) and Smith starts to get paranoid as his premonitions aren’t panning out the way he planned. Neo, perhaps as a passive, aikido-style mode of defense, allows Smith to convert him to the hive mind; in the “real world,” the machines’ collective consciousness uses the opportunity to nuke Neo. The sudden surge of energy causes the replicant Smiths to explode . . . and then Agent Smith v.1 explodes himself! In the aftermath, the Oracle lies in a puddle. Umm . . . yeah.
Back in Zion, the machines shut down dramatically and the sycophant freaks out . . . and there is much rejoicing. Morpheus celebrates along with his allies, mainly because he doesn’t have to be intense anymore. In Machine City, a freaky spider machine takes Neo’s seemingly lifeless body away to . . . somewhere. In the “matrix world,” the little Indian girl wakes up from her slumber. Elsewhere, in a park, the Oracle meets with the Architect, who pledges that there will be peace between machines and humans. And the mysterious Asian guy is on hand too! The sun finally comes up over the “matrix world” and . . . that’s the end of the movie?!? You have REALLY got to be kidding me.
Let me get this straight: you mean to tell me that they actually made a series of movies featuring a Messianic superhero who they then killed off, along with his true love, in a final act to save mankind? After three movies with such intense action and deep – yet muddled – concepts, we have the least happy “happy ending” I’ve ever seen. What make it worse are all the horrid subtle references to prior films and literary works. Here’s some examples: Neo and Trinity’s trip into the heart of the machines’ capital is oddly similar to Frodo and Sam’s journey into Mordor from the The Lord of the Rings trilogy. Neo’s broken body gets carried away in the finale like something from Morte D’Arthur or, more recently, Gladiator. Gee, I wonder if he’s supposed to be a Christ-figure? Also, the little Indian girl waking up seems a little too much like Alice in Wonderland for my tastes. And is it just me or was the “and you were there and you were there and you were there” ending lifted straight from The Wizard of Oz? Even though I’m sure there’s some complex metaphysical explanation for all three movies that is WAY beyond my comprehension, it all just left me feeling flat in the end. Note to future filmmakers: if the average person can’t understand it, don’t make it. Thank you.
Anyway, join me next week as I unearth what could possibly be the Holy Grail of Misunderstood Masterpieces. I know it’ll take your breath away.
