Misunderstood Masterpieces 01.13.09: Meet Dave

Posted by Will Helm on 01.13.2009

...or, I Hate It When I Get Eddie Murphy Stuck in my Head

I should honestly feel bad that Eddie Murphy is providing me with so much column fodder. Even though he did have a few minor successes – as mentioned in the comments last week – such as Bowfinger and . . . um . . . that's about it, it's still interesting to watch the slow decent of one of the '80s and early '90s box-office champions. After The Adventures of Pluto Nash, Murphy moved on to the television adaptation I Spy – a.k.a. the esteemed George Sirois' favorite movie – and followed that up with Daddy Day Care, which would, in time, beget Daddy Day Camp.

Interestingly, Murphy seemingly shook off his prior run of bad luck in theaters with an Academy Award-nominated turn in the musical Dreamgirls; unfortunately, he didn't come away with the Best Supporting Actor Oscar, as many pundits believe that his atrocious follow-up, Norbit – which I was originally going to cover this week, but I figured I'd save it for a later date . . . I don't want to beat up on Eddie Murphy that much, poisoned his chance at an almost sure-fire award. Since that unlikely success and heartbreaking loss, Murphy won at the box office again as part of the third Shrek film; sadly, his next film continued his run of cinematic iniquity and was regarded by some as one of the worst of 2008 – even though it was released on DVD a little too late to make my list: Meet Dave. Noted for a bizarre advertising campaign that featured Eddie Murphy's creepy smiling head on posters and in Times Square, Meet Dave grossed only $11 million, which was unsurprisingly dwarfed by the film's $60 million budget. As an aside, I'd love to know, at this point, what Murphy's profit-to-loss ratio is in Hollywood; maybe I should figure that out sometime. Anyway, as the most recent disappointment on Eddie Murphy's resume, Meet Dave should probably be a Misunderstood Masterpiece . . . but is it? Let's find out!

From the farthest reaches of CGI space, the opening credits fly through the solar system and crash into a satellite on their way to Earth. Well, it's a good thing they didn't end up on Mars; that'd make the movie REALLY boring. While a NASA guy ignores the credits flying into Earth's atmosphere, some kid (Austyn Myers) watches from a telescope as a meteor – which was the credits after hurtling through the atmosphere – crash-lands in his fishtank. The commotion alerts his HOT CHICK mom (Elizabeth Banks, who's almost at the point where she's in every movie ever made . . . since 2006 or so), who scolds the kid for imagining that a meteor just crashed into his fishtank. Meanwhile, the meteor sucks the water out of the fishtank, which I'm sure is an IMPORTANT PLOT POINT.

Three months later – which I originally thought was three months earlier because I really wasn't paying attention at this point only because the movie is really so dull, Eddie Murphy lands face-first on Liberty Island. Then, perhaps suffering from the effects of a massive concussion, he does a funny walk and then some old lady hits on him on the ferry back to Manhattan. He responds by showing her – and everyone else – his teeth. Creepy. Meanwhile, at whatever police station in New York that has jurisdiction over Liberty Island, the chief tells Mike O'Malley and Scott Caan to investigate the possible terrorist attack at the national landmark.

In Times Square, Eddie Murphy wanders around – though I'm surprised he didn't see his giant head there – and then he has wacky adventures around the neighborhood until the HOT CHICK mom JUST HAPPENS to hit him with a car. What are the odds? Evidently high enough to make the movie only about ninety minutes. Though the HOT CHICK mom's car sent Eddie Murphy flying through the air, he's PERFECTLY UNHARMED, except for a grotesque ankle injury; I'm sure I'll see that on Sports Soup later in the week. They love that stuff.

While the HOT CHICK mom freaks out, Eddie Murphy wanders off under his own power and finds a safe spot to hide, which allows little people to come out of his ear . . . because it's not Eddie Murphy at all, but ROBO-EDDIE MURPHY! Dum-dum-DUM! Luckily, Robo-Eddie Murphy is piloted by Eddie Murphy – with a strange and ridiculous accent – and a crew of equally diminutive aliens. Tiny alien Eddie Murphy calls up tiny Judah Friedlander – who, for once, isn't dressed as a hirsute retard with a trucker hat – for a status report. After Judah Friedlander fills in Eddie Murphy about what's going on, Robo-Eddie Murphy's second-in-command, Andy Bernard (Ed Helms; no relation), gives his totally unwanted opinion. Hmm . . . I sense TENSION! After taking stock of the situation, Eddie Murphy addresses his crew and reveals that they're there for the meteor, which is an IMPORTANT PLOT POINT – Ha! I was right – sent to Earth to suck the salt off the planet and take it back to Eddie Murphy's home planet. Eh . . . it makes no sense, but I'll go with it, movie. For now. Eddie Murphy, content with his position as captain, then chats up his HOT CHICK helmsman (Gabrielle Union) and Andy sasses at her, possibly because he's jealous.

Robo-Eddie Murphy, stretching the bounds of coincidence just a little too much, stands outside the HOT CHICK mom's apartment; maybe he's looking for REVENGE! Or not, as the HOT CHICK mom, graciously, asks Robo-Eddie Murphy if he's OK; he responds by wackily speaking in various frequencies as the alien crew doesn't know how to work the voice modulator . . . or something equally sci-fi like that. While some guy crawls into Eddie Murphy's ear, the HOT CHICK mom invites Robo-Eddie Murphy into her apartment and, along the way, Robo-Eddie Murphy meets some hunky guy (Marc Blucas) who just shows up because I'm sure he'll become important later.

Once in the HOT CHICK mom's apartment, Robo-Eddie Murphy checks out the HOT CHICK mom's art – because she's some sort of Boho hippie or something – and then he fails at drinking a glass of water, perhaps because there's a tiny alien hanging off his uvula. I hate it when that happens. While Robo-Eddie Murphy talks like a serial killer – seriously, he comes off as a psychopath and the HOT CHICK mom doesn't even notice, the HOT CHICK mom makes him breakfast; Eddie Murphy eschews scrambled eggs because he satiates his hunger by drinking ketchup, much to the HOT CHICK mom's amusement. She must have done some SERIOUS drugs in her past because none of this fazes her . . . even when Robo-Eddie Murphy punts her cat across the room.

Through a convoluted series of events and coincidences, Robo-Eddie Murphy discovers that the HOT CHICK mom's kid has the IMPORTANT PLOT POINT . . . I mean "meteor." With this crucial information in hand, Robo-Eddie Murphy walks into the HOT CHICK mom's closet before taking his leave, probably because wandering into a stranger's closet is a bit awkward. Meanwhile, at Liberty Island, Mike O'Malley and Scott Caan argue about the mysterious crater caused by Robo-Eddie Murphy because Scott Caan just happens to believe in aliens, much to Mike O'Malley's chagrin.

Back in Manhattan, Robo-Eddie Murphy follows the kid to an Apple Store, probably just for a little product placement. That sentence was sponsored by the Microsoft Zune; the Microsoft Zune, playing music for the people, as long as it's not a leap year. Once there, Robo-Eddie Murphy listens to hip-hop, which makes the crew freak out. While Andy marvels about New York, Robo-Eddie Murphy wanders back out onto the streets so that he can watch people make out in Central Park before some kids think he's the ice-cream man because he's wearing all white for no particular reason.

Robo-Eddie Murphy, sensing that he has to update his style, heads over to Old Navy for a little more product placement and, once there, he welcomes everyone to the store, just because I suppose the writers thought that'd be funny. After a little bit of a miscommunication wherein Robo-Eddie Murphy believes that an employee is hitting on him, Robo-Eddie Murphy puts a sweater over his head and flails around uncontrollably. OK, I really have to interject at this point: how is it that NO ONE notices that Robo-Eddie Murphy is acting a bit funny? And by "a bit funny" I mean disturbingly weird? Seriously, at this point someone would've had Robo-Eddie Murphy arrested, especially for seemingly vandalizing the Old Navy in his fake seizure. Then, just to annoy me with its utter goofiness, Robo-Eddie Murphy finds his way to a changing room where he craps money. No, really.

Next, Robo-Eddie Murphy bumbles his way into a performance of A Chorus Line due to misunderstanding that Manhattan is split into a west side and an east side. Meanwhile, in school, some bully steals the kid's meteor while Robo-Eddie Murphy shows up as the substitute teacher, or at least so the principal believes. Meanwhile, I have to call "shenanigans" because, evidently, everything in this movie so far apparently takes place before school hours! Once in the classroom, Robo-Eddie Murphy introduces himself as "Dave Ming Cheng" – which I suppose is supposed to be funny – and then Andy wants to kill some nerdy girl for being petulant as nerdy girls are wont to do. Rather than a bit of homicide, Robo-Eddie Murphy elects to punish the students for their insolence with . . . high-powered calculus and quantum mechanics!

After class, Robo-Eddie Murphy asks the kid for the meteor, but the kid confesses that the bully has it; amazingly, the kid, who has already seen Robo-Eddie Murphy get hit by a car – I think – and then show up as his substitute teacher, elects to trust the mysterious and creepy individual – rather than run in terror – and teams up with Robo-Eddie Murphy against the evil bully. Along that plotline, the kid and Robo-Eddie Murphy head to a nearby deli, which is filled with kids even though it's a known fact that deli owners HATE kids. Once there, Robo-Eddie Murphy and the kid don't find the bully, but Robo-Eddie Murphy foils a robbery that just happens to be going on moments later, winning the kid's respect. Is it just me or is this film just a series of bizarre and convenient coincidences?

Against Andy's objections, Robo-Eddie Murphy and the kid bond and play games together while the kid provides exposition about his HOT CHICK mom. Speaking of her, she shows up and offers Robo-Eddie Murphy some meatloaf; the crew responds by watching Meat Loaf in a hilarious miscommunication. Although I believe I'm stretching the definition of "hilarious" a bit too much. After dinner, in another "hilarious" moment, Robo-Eddie Murphy throws the dishes on the floor because the HOT CHICK mom told him to clear the table; sadly, it's evident that this is a PG-rated film as scenes like this are usually followed by red-hot monkey sex, but here the HOT CHICK mom just plays off like nothing happened. Probably because she's still stoned out of her gourd. She does then provide ample evidence as she and Robo-Eddie Murphy bond over a painting of hers, causing Eddie Murphy to want to learn about love.

After Robo-Eddie Murphy takes his leave, he joins a hobo on the street, who hopes that Robo-Eddie Murphy isn't crazy, even though he's the only one so far to have any inclination that Robo-Eddie Murphy is indeed crazy . . . or at least his behavior is. The hobo, being a forgiving sort, perhaps wisely lets Robo-Eddie Murphy be and even shares his blanket, more than likely because he doesn't want to be murdered in his sleep. Overnight, Robo-Eddie Murphy's crew retires to their respective quarters and go a bit funny; meanwhile, Eddie Murphy chats up his HOT CHICK helmsman and they watch It's a Wonderful Life together and almost make out after it's over, sparking some unknown feelings in the HOT CHICK helmsman.

The next day, Scott Caan puts out an A.P.B. for Robo-Eddie Murphy against his chief's wishes because he's not a skeptic and thinks there's some alien skullduggery afoot. Somehow, the action skips ahead to that evening, where Robo-Eddie Murphy rides carnival rides with the HOT CHICK mom and the kid and then he eats a pile of hot dogs in record time by – disturbingly – deep throating them. Hmm . . . that reminds me of something. Evidently, the sight of Robo-Eddie Murphy fellating frankfurters excites the HOT CHICK helmsman. Robo-Eddie Murphy, meanwhile, tries to throttle a stuffed frog but, thanks to one of the crew's intervention, he relents and gives it to the HOT CHICK mom, winning her affections . . . even though she hit Robo-Eddie Murphy with a car and he's stalking her like a sociopath since then.

After Robo-Eddie Murphy goes to the bathroom in a totally unneeded scene, he's accosted by the hunky guy, who shows up just to tell Robo-Eddie Murphy to be good to the HOT CHICK mom even though the hunky guy so totally has the hots for her. Meanwhile, the bully hassles the kid, so Robo-Eddie Murphy beats up the bully and finally steals the meteor back, completing that part of his mission. Robo-Eddie Murphy then celebrates his victory by throwing baseballs at milk bottles at high velocity and, in the process, through a convoluted series of events, he knocks himself out.

Preposterously, Robo-Eddie Murphy, who probably wouldn't have any vital signs at all, is sent to the hospital, where the doctors shock him back to consciousness so that he can hump an MRI machine later. After his little "encounter" with the medical equipment, Robo-Eddie Murphy makes a date with the HOT CHICK mom, even though Andy doesn't approve. OK, he's REALLY jealous. Eddie Murphy must sense the TENSION, so he dismisses Andy. Eddie Murphy doesn't tolerate cock-blockers.

Even more later that evening, Robo-Eddie Murphy, the HOT CHICK mom, and the kid go to a Cuban restaurant, where they all get plastered on mojitos . . . except for the kid, of course. He's probably got enough of a contact high from his HOT CHICK mom going on anyway that he doesn't need it. That becomes evident when the HOT CHICK mom dances with the kid, rather than Robo-Eddie Murphy. Meanwhile, the HOT CHICK helmsman, seeking to seduce Eddie Murphy, goes to a closeted crew member for advice and a makeover. Thankfully, before the movie treads down the same road as Spanking the Monkey, the HOT CHICK mom takes her leave and Robo-Eddie Murphy tells the kid that he's leaving because his mission is complete . . . except for the whole "stealing Earth's salt" thing.

After Robo-Eddie Murphy thanks the kid for his help and his crew goes a bit crazy – mainly from the mojitos, Robo-Eddie Murphy joins the HOT CHICK mom on the dance floor, which causes Eddie Murphy to ignore his newly made-over HOT CHICK helmsman because he wants to dance with the HOT CHICK mom. The HOT CHICK helmsman, unsurprisingly, runs off in a huff because BITCHES BE CRAZY! While the gay crew member takes control of Robo-Eddie Murphy's dancing – because it's a known fact that homosexuals are born with dancing in their genes, Andy plans a mutiny! As the HOT CHICK enjoys Robo-Eddie Murphy's smooth moves, crew members jump out of Robo-Eddie Murphy's ear, so he eats them in response. I never knew Eddie Murphy was a cannibal, but I guess this is proof. Disturbing proof.

Just because the movie was humming along quietly with little conflict, Mike O'Malley and Scott Caan show up out of nowhere to arrest Robo-Eddie Murphy for pretty much being really creepy. Later, down at the station, Scott Caan and Mike O'Malley interrogate Robo-Eddie Murphy but get nowhere . . . until Andy chooses this very moment to usurp Eddie Murphy and take control of Robo-Eddie Murphy. Robo-Eddie Murphy freaks out due to the change in captaincy, much to Scott Caan's amazement.

While all of this is going on in the interrogation room, the HOT CHICK mom and the kid are astounded when the hunky guy shows up out of nowhere just to check on their welfare. And probably beat up Robo-Eddie Murphy for ruining the HOT CHICK mom's night, but that goes unsaid. Back in the interrogation room, Robo-Eddie Murphy, now piloted by Andy and his thralls, takes a more direct approach to reply to the questioning, mainly by shooting his way out of the police station with the laser finger he just happened to have the whole time. At least it's evident that he really could've killed the nerdy girl if he really wanted to earlier. While Robo-Eddie Murphy blasts his way to freedom, one of the wacky crew members jumps into a cup of coffee for safety, just because the movie needed that kind of hilarity at this point.

Outside the station, Robo-Eddie Murphy mocks the HOT CHICK mom and the kid for no particular reason and then he blows up police cars because he wants to show how strong his alien pimp hand is. Back inside Robo-Eddie Murphy, the HOT CHICK helmsman frees Eddie Murphy because she's having a JAILBREAK and a counter-mutiny as well. Unfortunately for her, she wastes too much time sassing at Eddie Murphy for totally ignoring her fabulous makeover earlier and they just get captured once more by Andy's troops.

Andy, quite discontent with Eddie Murphy and the HOT CHICK helmsman's behavior, chooses to sneeze them out onto the streets of New York as a final punishment. Once there, diminutive Eddie Murphy and the tiny HOT CHICK helmsman are chased by a basketball and then peed on by a dog because if there's one thing this movie really needed, it's a golden shower with a tinge of bestiality for good measure. After their encounter with canine urine, the tiny HOT CHICK helmsman somehow gets her shoe caught in a wad of gum on the street and, hence, diminutive Eddie Murphy has to rescue her from the cars. Once he frees the tiny HOT CHICK helmsman, diminutive Eddie Murphy then hitches a ride on a shopping bag and the tiny HOT CHICK helmsman jumps over to join him . . . so that they romantically get hit by a bus together.

Oh well, I guess the movie's over.

Sadly, it isn't, as diminutive Eddie Murphy and the tiny HOT CHICK helmsman survive their encounter with mass transportation and then, through a convoluted series of events, they actually end up on the shoe of Robo-Eddie Murphy! I guess the writers got back on track and realized the movie was going to end soon. Or not, as diminutive Eddie Murphy takes this time to hit on the tiny HOT CHICK helmsman because he always had the hots for her but he just never let her know because he had to be respectable and all that.

Back inside Robo-Eddie Murphy, Andy complains because Robo-Eddie Murphy is weakening due to a loss of power; in order to hasten the trip back to Liberty Island, Andy has Robo-Eddie Murphy hijack a taxi. Back at the station, the police officers lament the fact that the building isn't Robo-Eddie Murphy-proof while Scott Caan gloats because he was right about Robo-Eddie Murphy being an alien all along. His victory leads to a certain delirium, evidently, as he then strikes up a conversation with the crew member stowing away in his coffee. The crew member provides much needed exposition and, as repayment, Scott Caan blows him. To dry him. Because he was covered in coffee. Anyway, they all end up going to Liberty Island, even though I wish this movie had never left there.

Once at Liberty Island, diminutive Eddie Murphy breaks into Robo-Eddie Murphy and hijacks the controls, preventing Andy from throwing the IMPORTANT PLOT POINT into the harbor and destroying the Earth. Andy doesn't take kindly to Eddie Murphy's interference, so they fight . . . using Robo-Eddie Murphy as their weapon of choice. In the process of bludgeoning himself, Robo-Eddie Murphy accidentally drops the IMPORTANT PLOT POINT into the harbor, signaling the end of humanity. Smooth move, Ex-Lax.

While the apocalypse begins just off Liberty Island, Eddie Murphy finally overthrows Andy's evil regime and, remarkably, he chooses to save Earth and kill off his own planet in the process because they need the energy that only the Earth's salt will provide. In the process, Eddie Murphy and his crew rip off Spartacus and come together to save humanity, except for Andy, who's sent to Robo-Eddie Murphy's butt.

After the touching moment, Robo-Eddie Murphy uses some sort of tractor beam to grab the IMPORTANT PLOT POINT from the water and throw it into space, presumably destroying it. Moments later, all the other characters from the movie show up to watch as Robo-Eddie Murphy laments that he lacks the power to go home; the kid, thinking a little too quickly and deviously for an innocent scamp, steals Scott Caan's Taser and uses it on Robo-Eddie Murphy, shocking Robo-Eddie Murphy back on line. As a measure of gratitude, Robo-Eddie Murphy throws up . . . diminutive Eddie Murphy, who addresses humanity and hooks up with the HOT CHICK helmsman to finally end the movie.

Or not, as Scott Caan completes some unfinished business and returns the coffee-flavored crew member to Robo-Eddie Murphy. FINALLY, Robo-Eddie Murphy prepares for take off and then the FBI shows up to capture Robo-Eddie Murphy for no reason in particular as if this movie needed to go on any longer. Can someone please put this movie out of its misery? Thankfully, my pleas go answered as Robo-Eddie Murphy's foot pops off and flies into space, jetting the crew to safety. Meanwhile, Robo-Eddie Murphy remains on Earth, with one foot and Andy in his butt. And a lot of unanswered questions. Thankfully, the cast takes the time to goof off during the closing credits even though that time probably would've been better spent making the actual movie better.

I know it sounds crazy, but at times I felt like Meet Dave could've truly been an entertaining movie. The concept would've worked well as either a straight-up kids' movie or as an adult comedy; unfortunately, Meet Dave tries to be both and ends up neither, and much worse off for it. Dave's interactions with the son and their relationship, as well as the storyline of the aliens trying to learn about Earth life, make great fodder for a kids' flick. Meanwhile, Dave's apparent courting of Elizabeth Banks as well as the wacky misunderstandings would be perfect in an adult comedy. Sadly, sometimes the movie plays like one and sometimes the other. Dave's – perhaps unintentional – serial killer vibe early in the movie is far too dark for the schmaltzy tone later in the film; meanwhile, Andy's mutiny and Dave's rampage in the police station don't fit into the later tenor of the film, which feels more like a family movie. If Meet Dave chose to be either more childish or more adult, it may have been better; as it stands now, it's yet another Eddie Murphy misstep and truly a Misunderstood Masterpiece.

Join me next week as I go back to 2008 once again for a movie that thought it could escape being one of my worst of last year by not releasing a DVD until January. I will have my REVENGE for that! See you then!