Misunderstood Masterpieces: Student Bodies
Posted by Will Helm on 07.14.2004
…or, Thank [Insert Deity Here] for Digital Cable
“Hey! Student Bodies is on!”
Hearing those five words just a few short weeks ago set off Handel’s “Hallelujah Chorus” in my brain. Since this column’s inception – and even before then – I have been anxious to cover one of the most memorably bizarre films of my childhood: Student Bodies. And now, on some random late night in June, here was the film right there on a silver platter . . . a silver platter known as digital cable.
You see, part of the reason why I haven’t been able to cover Student Bodies until now is because of the sheer impossibility of watching the movie. Why? Well, released in 1981 and as low-budget as low-budget can be, Student Bodies faded from VHS long ago and the likelihood of finding it on a legitimate DVD release in the near future is almost as slim as the DVD release of Ed Wood. If I wanted to include this film in the pantheon of Misunderstood Masterpieces, I would either have to find it somewhere on VHS, find it to download, wait until it magically appeared on DVD, or hope it would be broadcast on cable. Thankfully, the fourth possibility came to fruition due to HBO Comedy East or one of those obscure cable offshoots . . . and, luckily, I had a VCR at the ready. As of now, I have Student Bodies preserved on VHS – following Beyond the Valley of the Dolls, natch – and all is right with the world.
Why all the hubbub about a 23-year-old low-budget film? Well . . . this isn’t just any film. Student Bodies – before Scream or the Scary Movie series – is the original slasher-movie spoof. Made on a budget of about $8.50, give or take, this film features a cast of complete unknowns, most of which would never work again. Written and directed by Woody Allen associate Mickey Rose and produced by the mysterious, enigmatic Alan Smithee (actually Michael Ritchie), Student Bodies plays fast and loose with the newly established slasher-film clichés of the day . . . the same clichés that Scream would lampoon fifteen years later! Of course, just being a precursor to a contemporary film series isn’t enough to be included in these pages, so there must be something else going on . . . I wonder what it could be.
Just in case you were wondering if this film is anything special, the fact that it is preceded by a disclaimer should convince you; this film is based on ACTUAL INCIDENTS! I’m scared already. And with good reason . . . somewhere in the U.S. suburbs, creepy music plays while we learn – thanks to the helpful subtitling – that the date is doubly auspicious: it just happens to be Friday the 13th and Jamie Lee Curtis’ birthday! Of course, the fact that Ms. Curtis was actually born on November 22nd means that the laws of time and space are being bent by the filmmakers! That’s like mixing matter and antimatter! The horror! Outside some random house in the middle-American suburbs, an asthmatic stalker sneaks around outside; on the inside, unsurprisingly, some HOT CHICK is sitting on a couch in all her satin shirt/Jordache jeans glory. Ah . . . the early ‘80s. Some other chick calls the primary chick with homework answers and we learn that the HOT CHICK is the babysitter! Well, I don’t see any babies, but she’s certainly sitting; that’s like batting .500.
As the suspense builds, the HOT CHICK investigates some curious noises outside. She needn’t fear, however, as there’s nothing there but a meowing, farting dog. Whew. Back inside, the phone rings again! And this time it’s the asthmatic stalker! She hangs up on him, but he calls again while wolves bay outside. Ah . . . ambience. The phone keeps ringing again, and again, and again, sometimes playing creepy music and then finally jumping and slobbering from the receiver. Perhaps to take her mind off the grotesquely salivating telephone, the HOT CHICK goes into the kitchen! In order to drown her fears in high-calorie food, she finds fried chicken and product placement in the refrigerator. Nary a moment later, her goof boyfriend arrives, startling her to the point where she drops a drumstick! Oddly enough, the event of plummeting poultry causes hormones to kick into gear, as the two lovebirds run off to get it on.
While our nubile cannon-fodder prepares to bump uglies, the asthmatic stalker is IN THE HOUSE! Kid and Play would be proud. Skulking around the ground floor, he finds a desk full of murder weapons; instead of the gun, the hatchet, the rope, the lead pipe, Col. Mustard in the conservatory, or any of the above, he dramatically chooses a paper clip. Oh no . . . the asthmatic stalker is Bullseye. Just great. After deciding on a weapon, the asthmatic slowly walks up the stairs; meanwhile, the goof boyfriend takes a shower . . . but contends that you “can’t wash off herpes.” Too true. The asthmatic, probably due to his pre-existing condition, struggles on the stairs; of course, the massive amount of chewing gum littering the steps and balustrade may be a factor in hindering his progress as well. So much so, in fact, that he has to, sadly, remove his galoshes! Oh great . . . he’s not Bullseye . . . he’s the dude from I Know What You Did Last Summer! Ugh. Anyway, my suspicions are unwarranted as, instead of the Gorton’s fisherman using his trusty hook, he stabs the chick repeatedly with a paper clip and then stuffs the goof – who teases necrophilia – into a big black trash bag.
Later that evening, the HOT CHICK’s bickering parents or clients or whatever return to the house. Self-referentially enough, they went out to see a slasher flick . . . because nothing says “Middle America” like two 40-somethings going to see a horror movie. Oh, and we can’t forget the ironically self-effacing slasher-flick diatribe herein. Aren’t we witty, movie? Once inside the house, the female half of the couple begins screaming bloody murder; instead of bloody murder, she’s instead caterwauling due to the massive amount of dirty dishes in the sink, the television being left on, the gum and galoshes all over the stairs, and so on. Meanwhile, the male half of the pair finds the broken drumstick on the floor and helpfully mends it with a rubber band. Bizarre. Once upstairs, the woman’s FREAKING OUT is finally warranted as she and her husband find the bodies! Oh, and, for some reason, the HOT CHICK has about twenty paper clips sticking out of her, even though it seemed that she was stabbed with only one. Hello? Is Mr. Continuity there?
The next day, at beautiful Lamab High School, the principal gives a eulogy while a marching band plays . . . and cheerleaders – ahem – cheer. You see, hilariously, all of the extracurricular activities had to be included in the proceedings due to state budget cuts. Ah, political humor . . . how avant garde! During the ceremony, another random couple of horny teens runs off to get it on, this time in a car. Upon realizing his lack of prophylactics, the guy runs off to find some rubbers while the girl stays behind. Unfortunately for her, in her beau’s wake is the asthmatic! And this time, instead of a paper clip, his weapon of choice is a horse-head bookend! The guy returns and, like his predecessor, ends up inside a trash bag. As all of this murderousness progresses, another couple breaks away from the funeral: prudish good-girl Toby (Kristen Riter) and her compatriot Hardy (Matthew Goldsby), the token nerd. Since these two are the least likely killers – although wouldn’t that make them the most likely? – they discover the newly dead corpses of the copulating couple.
Back at the school, in a bit of sophomoric handicapped humor, the token blind guy and the token wheelchair-bound guy argue over the same parking space; much to their collective chagrin, a HOT CHICK takes it while they feud. Meanwhile, the school’s top administrator, Principal Peters (Joe Talarowski), receives a pep talk from Miss Mumsley (Mimi Waddell), who could either be his mother or his very disturbing lover. Ugh again. Elsewhere in the school, this time in the wood shop, the shop teacher – who, oddly enough, has all of his digits – begins a lesson on . . . horse-head bookends! Dum-dum-DUM! Interestingly enough, these very same bookends make the shop teacher, Mr. Dumpkin (Joe Flood), extremely excited for no discernable reason. Methinks the joints aren’t held together with woodworkers’ glue, but that’s just a hunch. Anyway, as Dumpkin scolds a stereotypically garbed, bussed African student, Toby scours the room for clues . . . and discovers a pile of black trash bags! After her enlightening find, Toby then pulls the bloodied horse-head bookend from the murder scene from her bag; Dumpkin notices it and compliments Toby on the staining job. The film, helpfully, labels him a suspect.
Later that day, the asthmatic killer spies on the girls’ locker room while I get flashbacks to Debbie Does Dallas. Much like what one may do while watching the aforementioned adult film, the asthmatic does a little diddling and passes out; a minute later, he recovers to find that only Toby – and her helpful anti-fornication pins . . . on her somewhat sheer brassiere – is left in the room. Perhaps because she may have been bitten by a radioactive spider, Toby senses danger and runs from the locker room; the asthmatic, unsurprisingly, chases her and complains the whole time. So Jerry Seinfeld is the killer, then? Toby, because it is the most unlikely place anyone would look or, more likely, because she’s in a blind panic, busts into a boiler room. As more ubiquitous chewing gum slows the asthmatic (and he pledges REVENGE due to its presence), Toby comes upon the creepy janitor, Malvert (The Stick). Instead of bludgeoning our heroine with a broomstick, our gangly custodian simply requests a little help with a crossword puzzle. With the situation averted, the rest of the day goes by . . . I guess.
Sometime later, the school has a parade for no particular reason other than the dubious fact that, ostensibly, the dead love a parade. Interestingly enough, as if it weren’t totally expected at this point, the asthmatic marches with the rest of the band! Meanwhile, elsewhere in the parade, another couple conspires to get it on inside a hollow bull float. Because nothing says “romance” like a hollow bull; King Minos’ wife would be proud. Like the two other men before him, the guy leaves to take care of something or other, with the girl remaining behind defenseless and sexually excited. And again, like the past two occurrences, the asthmatic murderer arrives on the scene to dispose of the nubile female . . . this time with an aubergine. This shouldn’t be surprising; eggplant, after all, is a member of the “deadly” nightshade family. After the produce-fueled crime, the guy returns and gets bagged. Toby, because she was curious as to why two randy teenagers would climb into a hollow bull float together, goes into the bowels to investigate. She again finds the bodies, but this time she’s a suspect!
And then we have an interlude with a guy in a suit. Charles Gray would be proud. The ersatz criminologist, helpfully, drops an “f-bomb” just so that the film can achieve the vaunted “R” rating. Thanks, dude.
Back in school again after the parade and murders, the biology teacher, Ms. Van Dyke (Peggy Cooper), advocates the castration of frogs. Later, the faculty meets with Toby to discuss her discoveries and culpability . . . and they want REVENGE! Luckily for Toby, instead of capital punishment, Principal Peters proposes a psychiatric evaluation first – while I marvel at the awesomeness that is alliteration. Their meeting adjourned, Toby exits the office and Malvert enters in her wake . . . and proceeds to urinate in a trash can. OK then. After the sweet relief, the asthmatic calls the principal’s office and Van Dyke answers; channeling Charlie Chan, she quickly discerns that the asthmatic is disguising his voice . . . by talking through a rubber chicken! The asthmatic, playing mind games with the assembled teachers, promises to kill at the upcoming football game; he then feigns hanging up by simply saying “click.” Ah . . . I love that gag.
Yet later that day – hmmm . . . maybe time and space are being warped, Toby meets with the “eccentric” school psychologist, Dr. Sigmund (Carl Jacobs). Through their pointed dialogue, we rapidly learn that she is quite unstable and he’s a bit of a pervert, delusional, and schizophrenic as well. He, unsurprisingly, wants to know how she feels about the subject of sex; Toby, as per her particular idiom, reveals that she is an extremely repressed prude in a display that is so Shakespearean that Isabella would be proud. Ironically enough, the scene segues to Ms. Leclair’s (Kay Ogden) literature class, where the subject du jour is Hamlet. See? It all makes sense. Moments after the introduction to the lesson, Toby enters the classroom, late. Nary a second after her arrival, the principal helpfully announces over the P.A. system that Toby has been interviewed by a psychiatrist and Dr. Sigmund’s finding is that she may very well be the murderer. Due to the unfortunate nature of being a killer-presumptive, Toby becomes a pariah within the school . . . as if she wasn’t already.
Even more later the same day, Miss Mumsley comforts Principal Peters and he makes another announcement on the P.A. to calm his nerves. It’s all a framing device, however, as the film treats us to small vignettes highlighting the faculty’s collective psychoses. Outside, Miss Mumsley, crusty, elderly conspirator, attempts to convince Malvert to become a patsy and take responsibility for the murders. Then, at the football game, cranky concession workers pelt people with food for no particular reason. In the stands, Malvert’s blow-up doll floats away while Dumpkin and Nurse Krud (Janice E. O’Malley) stuff the stereotypically garbed African kid into a trash bag in order to prove a point regarding survivability. Then, simply because a certain set of conditions must be present for a murder to take place, the asthmatic’s modus operandi, if you will, a couple of randy students crawl under the seats for a little nookie. The girl doth protest as they are lying on and being showered with garbage, so the guy exits in order to find a blanket for them. Toby, everyone’s favorite prudish Little Miss Curious, slips under the bleachers to check on them under the auspices of watching out for the killer. The asthmatic kills the chick with a chalkboard eraser while Toby is unfortunately knocked unconscious by an abnormally heavy piece of refuse. And, once the guy returns, he is given a chance to investigate the inside of a Hefty bag. After all of this, somehow, the bodies end up on the field and the refs call a penalty.
In the aftermath of the shocking discovery, the cowboy football coach (Oscar James) weeds out all of the onlookers in the stands with a finely tuned line of questioning. While the rest of the faculty searches for her, Toby sneaks onto an ambulance to hide from their prying eyes. Instead of going to a hospital or a morgue, the gurney with the body and Toby ends up in a faculty office within the school, where the teachers just happen to be interrogating Hardy as to Toby’s whereabouts. As the corpse there begins farting uncontrollably, the asthmatic calls once more and pledges to kill again at the prom. As the teachers exit the room, Toby enlists Hardy’s help in getting her out of there. They run to a backroom in the school that is serendipitously filled with costumes; during the scene, the rubber glove-clad killer provides sign language translation. And then the movie disappears!
Of course, the movie doesn’t really disappear; instead, the asthmatic murderer has taken control of the film and, helpfully, he runs through the suspects while spouting off terrible one liners. Henny Youngman would not be proud. Later, that evening, Toby gets slutted up in order to infiltrate the prom and foil the asthmatic’s evil plans. It doesn’t help that the killer is watching her the whole time, but that tends to happen in these situations. Inside the prom, a cheesy band plays on the stage and some random old guy stares longingly at Toby, the prudish slutted-up HOT CHICK. Meanwhile, the HOT CHICK from earlier in the film – the one that took the parking space – dances with the random ROTC guy and then they make out. Malvert, present as a chaperone (I guess), trips the light fantastic with a blow-up doll and then confesses that he urinated in the punch bowl. Mass spit-takes – and hilarity – ensue. In an effort to acquire the keys to the principal’s office, Toby, incognito as a Southern hooker, flirts with Peters; the HOT CHICK, fresh from locking lips with the ROTC guy, nearly sees through Toby’s disguise. Toby, in order to fool the suspicious students, makes out with Hardy in that age-old “make out with some one in order to fool someone else” maneuver. This, of course, leads to a very tender moment between them. Awww . . . how sweet. Meanwhile, Dumpkin freaks out for no particular reason; he sequesters himself to his classroom and cuts a horse-head bookend.
Her last attempt to requisition the keys unsuccessful, Toby enlists Malvert’s help. He uses the awesome power of his awkward limbs to distract Peters and take the principal’s keys. In the aftermath, the unwitting principal is named prom queen. Umm . . . OK. Of course, this leads the terribly vain HOT CHICK to freak out, as she presumed herself to be prom queen. The ROTC guy, sensing an opening to at least one of her openings, consoles her with a come on; in her grief, she acquiesces to his proposal. They end up in the shop class, where, moments before, Dumpkin ran into the closet in order to hide himself from prying eyes. Lacking protection, the ROTC guy leaves (hmmm . . . where have we seen this before?) and the HOT CHICK stays behind to wander around until the door to the room starts shaking and all hell breaks loose outside. In the aftermath, the asthmatic enters and murders the HOT CHICK with the crown and then unceremoniously throws away the ROTC guy. Dumpkin, seemingly safe in the closet, senses his survival; his senses deceive him, however, as the asthmatic cuts into the door with a chainsaw. Dumpkin reveals himself and bargains with the asthmatic, even offering the killer a nice, reliant K-car. The Barenaked Ladies would be proud. Dumpkin, harnessing the power of authority, convinces the murderer to put away the chainsaw, but he’s sadly bludgeoned with a log for his troubles.
Over at the principal’s office, Toby enters and drops a drawer full of marbles on the floor. Meanwhile, Hardy breaks into another office and finds some rubber gloves in the desk. In Peters’ office, Toby discovers incriminating evidence in a filing cabinet but, unfortunately for her, Principal Peters discovers her. Toby, not the quickest thinker in the world, attempts to make excuses for her presence there but the principal responds by stripping, proclaiming that he has been naked underneath his clothes the whole time. Um . . . yeah. Toby, paralyzed by the sight of the principal’s pasty whiteness, stands steadfast as he exits and returns with the school’s lone trophy. Sadly, he does himself in by slipping on the accursed marbles and then impaling himself on the rather pointy trophy. I do so hate it when that happens. Outside, the teachers form a lynch mob; inside, Toby finds that Hardy has been killed! Miss Mumsley is there in the room as well . . . and she confesses that Principal Peters is her son and that she’s actually his father! Transsexual murderer alert!
OK, now here’s where the movie gets really weird. Toby runs from the office and through the halls. During her jaunt, a resurrected Dumpkin returns to lob horse-head bookends at her. Then, the dead rise from their graves to pursue Toby through the hallways, leading her to run upstairs! Why . . . why must they always run upstairs? Anyway, it all leads to trouble as Toby falls out of a window . . . and wakes up in an alternate-reality hospital recovering from the swine flu. And, oddly enough, an oddly conceived homage to The Wizard of Oz breaks out, as we get to play “and you were there, and you were there, and you were there” with all the characters (for the second film in a row!). After the bulk of the characters leave the room, Toby and Hardy make out and then they, almost instantaneously, end up in the woods. They’re just about to do it when Hardy dons the sinister rubber gloves and strangles Toby? What? Huh? Weird. Later, at the funeral, Hardy is regretful . . . until hands spring forth from the grave and strangle him!
Wow. I totally forgot just how weird that ending is. It’s not surprising that the film should resolve itself on such an odd note; the prevailing tale is that Rose and Ritchie ran into money trouble during the course of the shoot and things needed to be wrapped up with a scant budget. Then again, when working with the hackneyed slasher-film cliches, there’s very few ways to end a parody such as this. Honestly, the “it was all a dream” ending is probably the only solution, since it would progress nicely to the “you think you’re safe, but you’re not” moment, which leads into the “REVENGE from beyond the grave” finale. Unfortunately, the pace and quality of the humor leaves you exhausted – this movie IS still funny – so the ending just appears as a weird denouement. It’s really a shame, though; this is truly a Misunderstood Masterpiece in every sense of the term (and this might be the first time I’ve used the term seriously).
Join me next week as we celebrate summer vacation and hit the beach . . . and discover the intricacies of race relations along the way.
