Misunderstood Masterpieces 01.20.09: Disaster Movie

Posted by Will Helm on 01.20.2009

...or, Never Has a Title Been So Apropos...

Taken from the files of Los Angeles County Superior Court in the case of Comic Cinema, Common Decency, and Will Helm's Psyche v. Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer; the honorable Judge Lawrence Fudge presiding.

Opening Arguments

Your honor, over the past few years, a plague and a blight has been cast over theaters across the world, a malaise perpetrated by the defendants, Mr. Jason Friedberg and Mr. Aaron Seltzer. Though I would rather take up these crimes against humanity with The Hague, the staging point for these heinous acts of wanton cinematic cruelty stem from your jurisdiction: Hollywood, California. Since 2006 – and if not earlier, Mr. Friedberg and Mr. Seltzer have, with malice and forethought, knowingly and wittingly tortured the movie-going public with their own specious and dubious brand of humor. Let the record show that the defendants are remorseless repeat offenders, subjecting unaware viewers to their horrific and disturbing Date Movie in 2006, Epic Movie in 2007, and Meet the Spartans in 2008.

As if this weren't enough, your honor, I contend that Mr. Friedberg and Mr. Seltzer saved their greatest, most heinous release for August of 2008, an opinion shared by the expert witness IMDB.com, who attests that this cinematic crime is the second worst of all time . . . behind an obscure '60s movie featuring jets. Jets, your honor! In addition, not only did Mr. Friedberg and Mr. Seltzer release this latest dreck to unsuspecting viewers, they even colluded to prevent the DVD release of the evidence from coming out in the calendar year of 2008, craftily avoiding inclusion in the plaintiff's collection of the Worst Films of 2008. Thankfully, your honor, that evidence could not be hidden for long and I now have it and, hopefully, it may reveal Mr. Friedberg and Mr. Seltzer to be the evil geniuses they are – though I do use the term "genius" very loosely – for the court and posterity. Your honor, I bring to you what is surely a Misunderstood Masterpiece, Exhibit A: Disaster Movie.

Way back in 10,001 B.C. – or B.C. E. for the politically correct, in a swamp, a caveman (Matt Lanter) runs from some unseen horror. Maybe it's the GEICO gecko! Or not, as the unseen creature reveals itself to be a mammoth, which steps on the caveman; luckily, he survives because he just happened to be standing in a giant pile of feces at the time, which cushioned the impact. It's preposterous, but I'll go with it. As the caveman recovers from lying in poo, he's hit in the face with a pugil stick because fake Wolf (Ike Barinholtz) – of American Gladiators fame – is there in pre-history! I always knew Wolf was awesome, but I never knew he had control over time and space. David Tennant would be proud. Fake Wolf then complains about catchphrases before engaging the caveman in an impromptu Joust – go get 'em, Gemini . . . oh, wait . . . Fake Wolf – and the caveman bests Fake Wolf by hitting the wolfman right in the nards. Evidently someone's been watching The Monster Squad.

After besting Fake Wolf, the caveman runs once more from some Sam Raimi camerawork, which leads him directly into the clutches of sabretooth Amy Winehouse (Nicole Parker). OK, that makes absolutely no sense at all. I know Amy Winehouse is British, but I never knew her teeth were bad. Then again, if it's Amy Winehouse, I think her teeth are the least of her problems. Anyway, sabretooth Amy Winehouse, for no reason in particular, prophesies the end of the world and then she pulls a Macbook out of her beehive just to prove it to the caveman. So I guess pre-history had some pretty good free Wi-Fi. After finishing her spiel, sabretooth Amy Winehouse belches on the caveman – multiple times, just so that it's not funny over and over again – and then she produces a crystal skull from her hair – although it would've been funnier if her head collapsed because it was HER OWN SKULL . . . oh, no . . . now I'm starting to think like THEM – which teleports the caveman back to the present time.

The caveman, now shorn of his whiskers and locks, wakes up next to Fake Flava Flav and Real Vanessa Minnillo. I suppose that's like taking the bad with the good. After Fake – and naked – Flava Flav runs from the room for no reason in particular – which is a hallmark of Friedberg-Seltzer oeuvre, Vanessa Minnillo gets out of bed in a huff because it seems that she wants a little something more than a shaven caveman; might I suggest Jessica Simpson's sloppy seconds instead? Unfortunately for Vanessa Minnillo, the caveman isn't responsive to her needs, so she leaves and a midget that just happened to be in bed with them leaves with her.

Sometime later, the caveman has a Super Sweet 16, even though he's actually 25. Of course, in true Friedberg-Seltzer fashion, this gag would've been funny if they hadn't included the fake Super Sweet 16 intro just to remind the viewers of what the joke is. Anyway, at the party, the newly single caveman hits on some ugly chick – though he believed her to be Vanessa Minnillo from the back . . . which was a joke that went out with Looney Tunes – and then a hairy chick flashes him. Surprisingly, even though he is a caveman at heart, the caveman ignores the hairy chick; maybe he's attracted to females a little higher on the evolutionary ladder.

Out of nowhere, Fake Dr. Phil (John Di Domenico) arrives on the scene to hit on HOT CHICK co-eds and give the caveman some words of advice. Meanwhile, Fake Anton Chigurh kills some kid who's passed out on a couch, much to the caveman's buddy's (Gary "G Thang" Johnson) horror. A little later, Kim Kardashian – who's at the party because, well, it's a party and she's Kim Kardashian; the two have a crucial symbiotic relationship, after all – gets all ticked off because Fake Jonah Hill and Fake McLovin are stealing the booze. Before anyone can stop the teens from making off with the liquor, Carmen Electra shows up out of nowhere and she argues with Kim Kardashian . . . and a wrestling match breaks out! Well, this movie just got a whole lot better. Wait . . . what am I saying?!?

As Carmen Electra and Kim Kardashian square off in a wrestling ring in the middle of a totally empty loft, the scene shifts back to reality, as the match was merely taking place in the buddy's mind. The buddy, snapped back to reality – damned fool, tries to shoot Fake Jonah Hill and Fake McLovin, but, instead, he kills Fake Dr. Phil and Fake Anton Chigurh and then he kills Carmen Electra, just for good measure. Somehow, even though they were arguing and fighting – in the buddy's mind – only moments ago, the murder of a HOT CHICK ticks off Kim Kardashian; maybe she thinks she's next on the buddy's list.

Elsewhere in the party, Fake Juno (Christa Flanagan) and Fake George Michael Bluth (Devin Crittenden) have a little musical number until Fake Juno kills Fake George Michael Bluth with her guitar. Unlike the buddy, she can probably get away with it just by blaming it on hormones. Meanwhile, the caveman pesters the buddy and Kim Kardashian about Vanessa Minnillo and confesses that he dumped her because he didn't want to hurt her, which is one of those things that seems to make sense but really doesn't jive with reality. Vanessa Minnillo, on the other hand, doesn't seem quite hurt at all, as she defiantly shows up at the party with an underwear model, who, unsurprisingly, is only wearing underwear. HILARIOUS.

While the caveman laments the fact that Vanessa Minnillo has a rebound guy already, his buddy tries to cheer him up with a marching band and a high-school musical number! While a bum pees in the punch – huh? -- and Fake Jessica Simpson (Nicole Parker, again) pops up out of nowhere to warble before being knocked out by angry Dallas Cowboys fans, Justin Timberlake pops up to punch himself in the junk and then get hit in the face with dirty underwear, courtesy of – unsurprisingly – the underwear model. Meanwhile, I surmise that the only reason this musical number is in the movie is just to get Vanessa Minnillo and Kim Kardashian dressed as cheerleaders. Crafty, Mr. Freidberg and Mr. Seltzer; very crafty.

Somehow, the musical number causes an earthquake and, moments later, a convenient news report breaks through the chaos to provide exposition; meanwhile, Fake Juno eloquently insults the underwear model and then she chugs Sunny D and vodka. The nice part about Sunny D is that it smells the same going down as it does coming back up, so yay for that. During the tumult, the caveman tries to apologize to Vanessa Minnillo, but it doesn't work out well as she walks out on him; then, just to add injury to insult, the caveman gets trampled by a horde of panicking party-goers.

Eventually, the caveman, the buddy, Fake Juno, and Kim Kardashian end up outside, where panic ensues and bikini models run around for reasons totally unexplained. Then, out of the sky, fake asteroids – which, thankfully, aren't portrayed by MadTV cast members, unlike most everyone else in this movie – pummel the Earth and land on Fake Hannah Montana (Christa Flanagan, once again). This tragic development saddens the caveman, until Fake Hannah Montana keeps coming back to life to shill her merchandise . . . and then she reveals herself to be MILEY CYRUS before finally dying!

Wait for it . . . wait for it . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . .



On another street, some kid curses at Fake Hancock (Walter Harris), who responds by bitchslapping the kid before flying into a light pole. Meanwhile, the heroes escape to a nearby warehouse, which just happens to be inhabited by a blond cougar, a dumb brunette, that redheaded one, and Fake Tranny Carrie Bradshaw (Jason Boegh). Fake Tranny Carrie Bradshaw objects to the heroes invading her/his/its(?) territory and challenges the heroes to a battle; remarkably, only Juno accepts the challenge and the fight begins, with Fake Juno gaining the upper hand by squirting Fake Tranny Carrie Bradshaw with breast milk before her unborn baby kicks Fake Tranny Carrie Bradshaw into submission.

After the fight, the caveman tries to provide exposition about his dream at the beginning of the film, but Kim Kardashian slaps him around because she thinks he's going crazy. The buddy, perhaps to take the heroes' minds off the terror around them, proposes a naked party and the girls agree, but Fake Juno has to go and ruin it spraying the guys with amniotic fluid. Somehow, this strangely Freudian moment causes the caveman to have another flashback where he teleports around his apartment to impress Vanessa Minnillo, which is all well and good until he accidentally teleports himself onto Fake Prince Caspian's sword. Oopsie. Luckily for the caveman, it was all a dream, but he should've stayed there because he merely wakes up to the sounds of his friends lecturing him about letting Vanessa Minnillo go.

Sometime later, the heroes leave the warehouse and then get pelted with body parts falling from the sky. Meanwhile, Vanessa Minnillo goes to a museum, probably because it's really easy to sightsee during the end of the world. Most other tourists are a bit distracted, after all. Sadly, the museum is cold comfort for Vanessa Minnillo, who misses the caveman, so she gives him a call; they finally reconcile, but her cell-phone service drops out at entirely the wrong moment . . . even though I must credit her service provider for even being active in a situation such as the end of the world. The caveman, being smitten and/or dumb, wants to go rescue Vanessa Minnillo and, rather than convince him that there are other girls in the world, the buddy and Fake Juno go along. Kim Kardashian, meanwhile, stays behind to get crushed by an asteroid. I must admit I'm shocked she didn't deflect it with her GIANT ASS. If there's one thing that really could save the world, it's Kim Kardashian's GIANT ASS; that thing could probably easily handle a few ICBMs . . . which is an image both erotic and disturbing.

I'm honestly surprised Friedberg and Seltzer didn't think of it first.

A little later, the caveman, the buddy, and Fake Juno mourn the loss of Kim Kardashian and her GIANT ASS . . . until the buddy spies a HOT CHICK princess (Nicole Parker, once more) – who looks remarkably like a redheaded Jessica Simpson – emerging from a manhole. Hehe . . . "manhole." The HOT CHICK princess takes in the fine summer air and then gets hit by a taxi and lands in the buddy's lap and they sing about the experience. The buddy, perhaps no longer grieving the tragic loss of Kim Kardashian and her GIANT ASS, offers himself to the HOT CHICK princess, even though she's actually a junkie who's tripping ballz. Before the heroes can continue on, however, the HOT CHICK princess' princely pimp emerges from the manhole and challenges the buddy to a duel of honor . . . which ends up being a DANCE BATTLE! After the buddy and the princely pimp fight to a stalemate, Fake Juno impresses no one in particular by dancing on her stomach and then the HOT CHICK princess turns into a man, which somehow ends the DANCE BATTLE!

In the wake of the DANCE BATTLE, a tornado blows into town and, with it, cows land on Iron Man and Hellboy. Moments later, some nerdy guy has a soliloquy and then he transforms into Naked Hulk, who merely gets hit with a cow as well. Seriously, movie; now you're either ripping off Twister or Monty Python and the Holy Grail and it's not appreciated at all, so knock it off. While random superheroes are pelted with heifers, Vanessa Minnillo calls the caveman because she, somehow, got herself impaled by an Egyptian statue in the museum. Rather than head right to the museum, the heroes instead duck into another building, where the HOT CHICK princess eats a glass bottle and the buddy answers his shoe and rubs feces all over his face. No, really. After the buddy tells Kris Jenner that Kim Kardashian was smooshed by a giant asteroid – but not a "GIANT ASSteroid" . . . sigh, the HOT CHICK princess chats with her a bit about turning tricks until the lights go out, giving the HOT CHICK princess a chance to feel up Fake Juno, just because.

After the HOT CHICK princess ceases fondling up Fake Juno's pregnant jugs – which probably turned on someone in the audience . . . sick bastard, a trio of giant animatronic chipmunks show up to serenade the heroes . . . before the chipmunks are possessed by heavy metal demons and attack the heroes. Somehow, in the chaos, Fake Juno is also possessed by the heavy metal demons as she unmercifully beats the buddy with a bat under the guise of "helping him." Unfortunately for her, she's repaid for her treachery when the chipmunks eat her; meanwhile, a Head-On commercial hassles the HOT CHICK princess, because not even advertisements are safe from Friedberg and Seltzer.

I just know that their next project will probably feature something like this:



Back outside, the citizens and Fake Batman are evacuating and Fake Batman helpfully provides exposition before being dragged behind a car after a totally convoluted series of events involving the Bat-Grappling Hook. With this new information in hand, the heroes make their way toward the museum, but to hasten their voyage, the HOT CHICK princess carjacks Speed Racer . . . and then the heroes discover Spridle, Chim-Chim, and Michael Jackson in the trunk together. Creepy.

Finally, after all these other pop-culture references, the heroes end up at the museum . . . and with only a half-hour left to the movie! Wait . . . all of that was just an hour? Forget Fake Wolf or David Tennant; I think Friedberg and Seltzer really know how to warp time and space because they made an hour feel like an eternity. Stephen Hawking would be proud. And very, very confused. Once inside the museum, the heroes find Vanessa Minnillo pinned under a statue and, instead of rescuing her or an impromptu rape party, the buddy hits her in the head with a lamp. Oh, right . . . if she has amnesia, she can't testify. That makes much more sense. Remarkably, Vanessa Minnillo proves to have a harder head than the heroes thought – which is remarkable, as she isn't Samoan at all – so the caveman, the buddy, and the HOT CHICK princess beat her a little bit more before giving up and rescuing her. I guess they'll have to save the rape party for later.

Now finally freed – and remarkably unharmed, Vanessa Minnillo celebrates her liberation – in more ways than one – by pulling a crystal skull out of her vagina. Thankfully, this is also accompanied by exposition; sadly, the exposition isn't of her vagina. Hi-yo! Now with the final key to the film in hand, the heroes split up, with the buddy and the HOT CHICK princess trying to escape while the caveman and Vanessa Minnillo attempt to save the world. Along the way, unfortunately, they have a little problem as naked Fake Beowulf – who, I suppose, is actually real Beowulf since the other Beowulf is CGI – shows up to get in their way. The caveman, wittily, responds by calling Beowulf gay. Classy.

Meanwhile, as the buddy and the HOT CHICK princess attempt to flee to safety, a guy in a panda suit shows up to bitchslap the princess and it's on like Donkey Kong as the panda – who knows kung fu; Keanu would be proud – and the buddy fight for her honor. It's too bad Peter Cetera isn't there to provide a rocking ballad for this moment. Either way, just like Daniel-San over Chozen, the buddy wins the day and the heart of the HOT CHICK princess, who turns out to be a tranny, just because that would make the least sense at this very moment . . . even though the precedent was set at the DANCE BATTLE, but that was an entirely different guy. Unfortunately, my misgivings are all for naught as the guy in a panda suit comes back to life and kills the buddy and the tranny who was once the HOT CHICK princess.

Elsewhere in the museum, the caveman fights naked Beowulf, who spouts off gay stereotypes, perhaps to keep the caveman unbalance. Or because he is, after all, gay. It's of little consequence, though, as Vanessa Minnillo tires of the proceedings and kills naked Beowulf. This allows Vanessa Minnillo and the caveman to finally reach a sacred altar that just happens to be in the museum and the resting place of the crystal skull. Once there, they also discover that black midget guy who's in all these movies (Tony Cox), who's unsurprisingly dressed as Henry "Indiana" Jones, Jr. After the black midget guy reveals himself to be the caveman's father – which makes absolutely no sense unless it's supposed to seem like Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull . . . which isn't far from the Grand Duchy of Crystal Pepsi, he hits on Vanessa Minnillo and follows that up by taking the crystal skull and swinging into a ceiling fan. With his preposterous father now out of the way, the caveman swings to the altar and saves the world. Yay.

In the aftermath, the caveman makes out with Vanessa Minnillo and then they get married with the Love Guru on hand. Before they can consummate their nuptials, however, the caveman serenades Vanessa Minnillo with a little song about having relations with the guy who played Jason Bourne and then all the other characters join in, even though most of them are dead. So, in short, Friedberg and Seltzer are in league with necromancers.

Closing Arguments

Your honor, as the evidence shows, it is clearly evident that Mr. Friedberg and Mr. Seltzer have little to no concern for the viewer, only creating films that entertain them and, given their small budgets, make their bosses a cheap profit. There is no attention paid to a coherent plot, sensible characters, or even anything remotely resembling a film at all. I have used the word "pastiche" in prior closing arguments and that term is still valid here. Though I'm sure all of the performers in this travesty would make credible character witnesses for the defendants, it must be remembered that they are really unwitting patsies with no control over the final product; they're merely chattel, like cows for Mr. Friedberg and Mr. Seltzer to slaughter. This film is an affront to any and all sensibilities and a pox on humankind and, for that, I suggest you rule for the plaintiffs in this matter. As for you, Mr. Friedberg, and you, Mr. Seltzer: may God have mercy on your souls.

Verdict

Guilty . . . of being delicious! (Dammit; why did it have to be Judge Fudge?)

Join me next week when I take on a trio of Razzie award winners starting with their very first; it'll be a raspberry-poppin' good time. See you then!
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