Misunderstood Masterpieces: Catch That Kid
Posted by Will Helm on 09.01.2004
…or, There’s Nothing Cuter Than Kids Committing Crimes
You know, it’s been a while since I last covered a movie marketed towards the younger set and I figure that it’s about time I return to the “tween” demographic. And what better way than to study and explore a newly burgeoning cinematic genre focussed on that aforementioned segment of the population: kid-led crime capers. No . . . seriously. There’s been quite a few of these films made and released in the past year or so, but one in particular stands out due to it’s sheer awfulness; so awful was it, in fact, that it lead to my colleague Jacob Ziegler awarding the film a 1.5 in his review and drawing the collective ire of the 411Movies staff in our February Movies Roundtable: 2004’s Catch That Kid.
Even though the youth action/adventure genre seems to have sprung up on the shoulders of Cody Banks and the Cortez siblings, the origins of Catch That Kid lie in a very unlikely place: Denmark. Yes, shockingly, unbelievably even, Catch That Kid is actually a remake of the hit 2002 Danish film Klatretøsen which, according to Babelfish, means . . . well, I don’t know what it means, because Babelfish doesn’t translate Danish to English. And, since my knowledge of the Scandinavian linguae francae is so shallow, I’m not even going to venture a guess. I bet it’s safe to assume, however, that it is something involving kids. Earning more than $1,000,000 less than its $18,000,000 budget, Catch That Kid was a rightful flop . . . but why was it? Is it just another massacred remake of a far superior foreign film, or is there something more? Let’s cut open the carcass and find out . . .
Channeling many films before it – including last week’s entry Honey, the film begins with funk, wicked camera tricks, and a rope. OK, maybe the rope wasn’t in Honey, but the other two were at least. And just what is the purpose of the mysterious rope? Well, instead of reminding the viewers of the slow suicide that is watching this film, it belongs to promising young mountain climber Maddy (who’s last name I forget), who is currently scaling the side of a water tower. After arbitrarily scrawling the date on the side of the tower – defacing public property, Maddy receives a call on her cell phone from her mother, the shock of which causes her to fall off the side of the tower. Ooh! TENSION . . . in a quite literal sense, as the safety line snaps into action at just the last second, preventing Maddy from turning from an endearing tomboy to a sticky spot on the pavement below. She survives her impromptu plummet and goes off to pick up her younger brother at daycare. Ah . . . the trials and travails of a latchkey kid. Now we see how the cycle of crime begins!
Meanwhile, Maddy’s mom Molly (Jennifer Beals) gets chewed out by some angry bank manager guy (Michael Des Barres) at the bank in which she is installing the plot device du jour – I mean “security system.” Elsewhere, at a go-kart track in the middle of a desert, some kid yells at his younger brother, who also happens to be his pit crew’s chief mechanic. As the row progresses in pit row, Maddy arrives at the track, only to be filmed by young Austin (Corbin Bleu), budding filmmaker/stalker . . . who, like in Honey last week, is channeling Ricky Fitts. Eh . . . who knew American Beauty would spawn a cult of youths who film EVERYTHING thinking that it’s inherently profound. All it says to me is that there are a lot of young people out there with WAY too much time on their hands. You see . . . that’s how gangs start; they spring up from boredom and disenfranchisement, just like Benny’s fate in Honey. Hmm . . . I seem to be referring to last week’s column more than I intended. I don’t know whether or not that’s a good thing.
Back in the pits, angry pubescent go-kart driver Brad (Stark Sands . . . last seen in Chasing Liberty), frustrated with his crew’s ineptitude, screams at his younger brother/mechanic Gus (Max Thieriot) in annoying G-rated “kid speak.” Meanwhile, Maddy meets with her father, intrepid mountain climber turned go-kart track announcer Tom (Sam Robards). As he fights off his foreshadowing headache, he warns Maddy as to the dangers of climbing, which he strongly advises her not to do. Later, at a barbecue at Maddy’s trailer home, Tom grills while Austin and Gus interrogate him as to the nature of women. OK . . . so they’re ten years old or so and already they’re asking some unrelated guy about the birds and the bees? Where are the other parents in this town? It is REALLY not a surprise that this will lead to crime. Before Tom has a chance to respond, Gus gets himself burnt on the grill . . . and Tom leaps to action, pouring beer on the wound. Ah! Corrupting the morals of a minor! So crime runs in Maddy’s family, then. Then, raising the “ick” factor of the scene, Tom lifts his shirt . . . to show Gus and Austin a horrific scar running down the base of his spine. Whew . . . I was getting worried that this was quickly entering NAMBLA territory.
Later that night, while Tom and Molly share an all-too-rare romantic moment, Tom has a mysterious paroxysm and winds up in the hospital, tragically paralyzed by the fit of apoplexy. Highlighting the problems inherent in the United States healthcare system, even though both Molly and Tom are gainfully employed, their current insurance provider won’t pay for the experimental surgery which will probably miraculously heal Tom, as per usual in these films. Unsurprisingly, everyone is morose at the daunting news. Oh . . . should I mention that all of this melodrama is only fifteen minutes into the movie? Something tells me this is either going to end up a short one or have a lot of unnecessary filler. My bet’s on the latter, but my hopes lie in the former.
Sometime after Tom’s condition strikes him down, Molly and Maddy meet with the angry bank manager guy inquiring about a loan. Angry bank manager guy, rightfully performing due diligence regarding Molly’s qualifications, refuses her request; I guess he’s the villain in this picture, then . . . even though I would think a bum credit score has more to do with it than inborn evil. Honestly, Maddy’s family has little collateral and they’re terrible credit risks, yet not giving them a loan for a surgery which may or may not successfully renew Tom’s ability to walk makes him the bad guy? Whatever, movie. Later, back at the trailer, Maddy chats with her dad and promises to get the money for his operation. After the heart-to-heart, Maddy hacks into her mom’s conveniently placed laptop where she studies her mother’s plans for the inconceivably high-tech bank vault being installed in angry bank manager guy’s branch.
Sometime later, Maddy, Gus, and Austin discuss just what they’re going to do for Maddy’s father and Maddy proposes her master plan: they’re going to rob the bank. Umm . . . they’re going to rob the bank?!? Seriously, movie. I find it very hard to believe that the only way some kids can raise money for someone to get a life-altering surgery is to lead a life of crime. Whatever happened to telethons? Charity benefits? Dancing scamps? Nope . . . forget those things. At the first sign of trouble, Maddy’s initial inclination is to commit a major felony. Perhaps highlighting their ignorance regarding the voracity of the American judicial system, the future perpetrators’ only fear is that, if caught, they’ll only be in juvenile hall until they’re 21. I really hate to tell them, but, especially with a crime as egregious as the one they have planned, it’s likely they’d be charged as adults, convicted, and sent to maximum-security prison for a VERY long time. Why? Well, mainly because the governor of the state they live in is in a politically weak position and the D.A. prosecuting the case can make a name for himself (or herself) by being “tough on crime,” leading to a gubernatorial bid at the next election. Honestly . . . that’s how it usually happens. I’m not a cynic; I’m just telling it like it is.
After the young conspirators hatch their fiendish plot, Maddy uses the ruse of joining her mom at the bank to study and photograph the bank’s security measures. Meanwhile, Brad and his psycho commanding officer (James LeGros) work as security guards in the establishment; perhaps highlighting the grossly exaggerated nature of this film, the psycho commanding officer gives a rambling monologue and then seemingly breaks the sound barrier with his stereotypical ninja moves. Back on the floor of the bank, Maddy’s mom shows off her ingenious security measures before handing Maddy off to the friendly pudgy bank executive (John Carroll Lynch), who gives Maddy a tour of the facility. Elsewhere, Austin, doing research for the bank job, meets with a very skittish dog expert; simultaneously, Gus procures a giant scale model of the bank from a sympathetic secretary who believes that Gus is a victim of child abuse. Yeah . . . Gus actually showed her his burn and told her that his stepfather did it. These kids aren’t just criminals, they’re manipulative delinquents as well.
Back at the bank, the pudgy bank executive confesses to Maddy that he possesses a universal entry code for each door to the bank; he also seems inordinately excited about all the pseudo-technological stuff in place around him. Meanwhile, in the hub of the bank’s security system, the psycho commanding officer turns his shock stick on an ill-fated spider. Elsewhere, Austin, still working with the paranoid dog expert, learns about the habits and natures of rottweilers by being chased through an industrial complex by two of them. Later that day, Maddy, Austin, and Gus share a bizarrely perverted prepubescent romantic moment after a planning meeting. The next day, Austin hacks into an airline computer system and garners some tickets to Denmark, where the miraculous operation can only be performed. OK . . . so now we should add serious Homeland Security violations to Austin’s quickly growing docket of crimes; forget prison as I mentioned before . . . he’s going to earn himself a one way ticket to Camp X-Ray for this action. While Austin demonstrates his computer-based prowess, Gus adds a nitrous-burner and an XBox controller to a go-kart, probably for various nefarious purposes . . . and product placement.
Sometime later, Maddy enlists Austin to film a script reading featuring the pudgy bank executive, who also wants to be a famous actor. Too bad all he’s known for up until now is playing Drew Carey’s transvestite brother. Anyway, instead of providing a nice little audition for the pudgy bank executive, the kids just want to get him on tape shouting to “shut the alarm off” . . . which, of course, becomes important later. Although I do have to ask: haven’t they played with people’s emotions enough already? I guess the answer is “no.” After the video shoot, Maddy compliments Austin on his filmmaking skills . . . and Gus gets jealous. In response, Maddy contends that Austin is not her boyfriend, which mollifies Gus but causes great pains in Austin’s heart, leading to him becoming jealous. Maddy, frustrated by the inscrutable hormonal influence of the Y-chromosome, freaks out due her associates’ heterosexual curiosities. Gus and Austin, decidedly dejected by Maddy’s indecision, leave her behind to complete the job herself. Ooh . . . you know what that is! That’s right: TENSION!
The day after Maddy confesses to her unconscious father that she’s going to rob a bank in order to restore use of his legs, she bribes Austin into joining the gang once more by telling him she loves him and giving him half a pendant. Quite interestingly, she also does the same with Gus, procuring his services in the grand scheme once more. Yeah . . . Maddy’s doing all this for the “greater good” and yet the angry bank manager guy is the villain? What kind of skewed morality is going on in this picture anyway? Perhaps Klatretøsen is Danish for “Machiavellian Scamps.” Later, at another planning meeting, Austin stretches believability nearly to the breaking point as he unveils a holographic projection of the outside and inside of the bank and environs. OK . . . I have the odd feeling that this is the point where reality takes a nosedive. Interestingly, that may be why, at this point in the film, Maddy is nervous regarding their risky endeavor. Yeah . . . I would be too. Prison isn’t a good place for a 12-year-old to be living for the rest of her life.
The evening of the big heist, Maddy’s mom throws an unforeseen monkeywrench into the plans: she tells Maddy that, since she must attend a party celebrating the bank’s new security system, her daughter must baby-sit her younger brother Max (Grant and Shane Scott). Oh well . . . I guess that’s the end of the movie. There’s no way Maddy will go ahead with the job now . . . unless she BRINGS HER BABY BROTHER ALONG! You have REALLY got to be kidding me? I guess that we can add kidnapping and endangering the welfare of a minor to Maddy’s growing list of felonies. She’s going to be in prison for a long, LONG time after this one. Anyway, Maddy, Max, Austin, and Gus join forces and spring their scheme into action, go-karting wildly through the streets of an unnamed American metropolis and into the bank’s parking garage, wherein the security guard on duty helpfully watches The Simpsons while the infiltration ensues. Once inside, the perpetrators-to-be switch from their driving gear into formalwear . . . including Max. Umm . . . excuse me? Here’s where the logic of the film falls off a cliff, ne’er to return. Now, up to this point, I’ve been able to accept that three young kids have enough gumption to successfully plan a major bank heist, create holographic images, modify go-karts, and so on. I refuse to accept, however, that said kids are able to procure formalwear on a moment’s notice . . . including a tuxedo for Max, Maddy’s baby brother, who was never part of the operation to begin with! I’m so sure that every family living in a trailer home keeps a toddler-sized tux lying around just in case a bank robbery might occur. I’m sorry, movie . . . you’ve lost me now.
Once inside the bank, Maddy scales a scaffold in her slightly immodest – for a 12-year-old – dress while Brad and the psycho security guy duel in their office. Nary a moment later, Maddy uses a miniature remote-controlled car to set off a series of motion detectors on a secluded flight of stairs, alerting the psycho guard but leaving evidence behind. I guess sometimes you have to take the bad with the good. With the psycho guard out of the way, Maddy saunters into the security office and uses a combination of sibling rivalry and feminine wiles to distract Brad. OK . . . that’s just sick. Something tells me there’s a statutory rape in her future . . . hopefully not, but her behavior is not conducive to her safety. Maddy questions Brad as to the nature of his relationship with his brother and strokes his ego a bit to win him over to their side. It’s a good thing he’s easily manipulated, otherwise she may have had to stroke and manipulate something else. Hey . . . with the way this film’s been going, it wouldn’t surprise me. It’s just that sick and disturbing.
With Brad successfully neutralized, Maddy, Austin, Gus, and Max get to the elevator to the vault and, in the interim, change into all-black clothing to aid in their mission. Yes, they even brought an outfit for Max . . . even though he was never supposed to be there to begin with. I guess that they were prepared for every contingency! More on that later. While Austin and Max retire to the angry bank guy’s office in order to hack into the security system – with Max playing with the camera controls and leaving incriminating fingerprints all over everything, Maddy and Gus get to the vault . . . but they set off an alarm in the process. Brad, since he’s a responsible security guard, is concerned, but his psycho partner scolds him for his conscientiousness as he wrongly believes it to be a false alarm. Meanwhile, Austin and Max must hide themselves under the angry bank guy’s desk as pudgy bank executive enters the room . . . with a sexually excitable hooker in tow. OK . . . it’s bad enough that these kids are committing SERIOUS felonies, but now we’re subjecting them to sexual voyeurism as well? This isn’t just insulting, it’s grotesque. And this was rated “PG”? By whom?
Down in the vault, Maddy and Gus uncover a bizarre touchscreen safe-deposit box control panel. Meanwhile, back in the angry bank guy’s office, a mousy secretary catches the pudgy bank executive and the hooker together, stymieing any more mature sexual content in the film. At the same time, in the vault, Maddy uses the deposit boxes as steps as Gus deploys them one by one around the room. Their plan going along swimmingly, Austin and Gus find time to bicker over their headsets (how’d they get those anyway?) until Maddy accidentally sets off ANOTHER alarm. I guess they’re not quite as careful as we are to believe. Although I may speak too soon, as Austin uses the tape of the pudgy bank executive reading his lines to fool the security guards into overriding the security system. Ah . . . yet another crisis averted. Simultaneously, for no reason in particular, the angry bank guy celebrates down at the party.
Deep in the bank’s inner sanctum, Maddy begins her slow climb to the perilously suspended vault. Instead of cheering her on or preparing a futile attempt to catch her lest she fall, Gus is overwhelmed with nervousness and tries to get Austin to convince her to stop. Maddy, ignorant of her accomplices concerns, reminisces about her father and his remembrances and starts to free climb a cranny in the wall up to the vault. Once there, Maddy does a monkey-bar climb, but she makes the fatal mistake of looking down! Uh-oh . . . we’re about one second away from a very messy SPLAT! Luckily, she rights herself deftly . . . only to nearly fall off the vault once she reaches her destination. Unfortunately for her, in addition to hanging precariously over the floor one hundred feet below, she also set off a timer during her clumsy plummet from above the vault, which means that the mission could very well be all for naught! First, she attempts the “universal” code she lifted from the pudgy bank executive . . . and it doesn’t work! Well, I guess it wasn’t that universal after all. Over in the angry bank guy’s office, Austin hacks into The Matrix and informs Maddy that it’s her mom’s own personal code. Maddy, in a very tight spot at the moment, strains to think of just what the code may be; meanwhile, I just feel like spelling it out for her: “M-A-D-D . . .” Oh, wait. It was “Madeline.” Close enough.
Maddy, her mission – sort of – accomplished, celebrates inside the vault and begins heaving bags of money down to Gus on the main floor. A moment later, in their haste, they set off an “exit code alarm” while leaving the inner sanctum. Sheesh . . . something tells me that they spent quite a bit of time planning on how to get into the bank and not enough time figuring out how they’re going to escape. They’re two parts to every crime, you know: committing it and getting away with it. Usually people have no problem with the first part . . . it’s the second part that’s normally most damning. While the psycho guard releases the guard dogs, angry bank guy yells at people. Inside the bowels of the bank, the dogs find the thieves and chase them through the seeming catacombs of the building. Austin, thanks to his short lesson from the paranoid dog expert, finally gets the dogs to stand down . . . but not before the psycho guard finds the young perpetrators cowering together. He wastes time by threatening security-guard brutality, enabling Brad to swoop in and save the day by stunning the psycho guard with his shock-stick, earning Gus’ respect in the process. That respect may be short-lived, however, as Brad then proceeds to shock himself into unconsciousness as well.
Now, with no guards to stand in their way, the kids continue their escape from the bank; unfortunately, while they unwrap their go-karts, Austin sees Gus’ pendant and both accomplices realize they’ve been played by Maddy’s manipulative nature. They stare at her resentfully and then drive their go-karts off onto the streets . . . where their small-engine powered vehicles OUTRUN POLICE CRUISERS! Austin, finding himself in serious need of gasoline, jumps from his speeding go-kart onto Gus’ and the two criminals kick in the nitrous and play chicken with a helicopter and a tractor trailer in order to escape the police. At this point, it’s a wonder the police aren’t shooting at them, honestly. Once at the safe house, Gus and Austin bond in their status as pre-teen cuckolds . . . until they realize that they – like the chumps they are – have to go back and rescue Maddy.
And where is Maddy at this point? Well, she and Max are being chased by the police and it’s not looking too good . . . until Austin drives in and disables the pursuing police cruisers with a barrage of caltrops on the road, bursting the tires of the following automobiles. Back at the bank, angry bank guy fires the pudgy bank executive, who channels Travis Bickle in response. Meanwhile, some French guy scolds the angry bank guy due to his impatience regarding the tenuous status of the security system. Meanwhile, Maddy and her associates go to the hospital where they attempt to kidnap her father. Their plan is finally foiled by the timely arrival of the police . . . and Molly, who promptly cries. Luckily for our “heroes” – as if criminals can be called as such – Molly provides a dubious alibi for the three miscreants to which the pudgy bank executive lends credence. OK . . . let me get this straight: the resolution to this whole ordeal is an unethical corporate revenge? I mean, Molly’s upset about not getting a loan and pudgy bank executive is upset about being fired, so they avenge themselves on the angry bank guy by going along with the operation? You have REALLY got to be kidding me. This may just be the most amoral movie ever made . . . and it’s intended for kids.
Sometime later, Maddy wakes up . . . not in prison, mind you, but in her own house. So, was it all a dream? That would make this movie at least somewhat forgivable. Sadly, it wasn’t all a dream, as Molly proceeds to give her daughter a regretful lecture regarding her felonious activities. Moments after the (stomach-)stirring monologue, Gus and Austin rush into the trailer to inform Maddy and Molly about the goings-on at the go-kart track. It seems that, like Field of Dreams before it, the sob tale of Maddy’s family has caused a drove of people to the track, offering donations in addition to the cost of admission. OK . . . that has got to be the worst resolution EVER. Essentially, the fact that they’re raising money legitimately through a “benefit” at the go-kart track – which they probably should have done from the start – completely invalidates the entire previous hour of film! Adding insult to (brain) injury, the pudgy bank executive shows up on the scene with a $50,000 check for the kids’ fee as independent contractors (since Molly’s alibi involved her hiring Maddy, Austin, and Gus to break into the bank to prove the fallibility of the security system). He also comes with good news: the bank, as an act of gratitude for Molly’s hard work and ingenuity, guarantees the family a loan . . . and there is much rejoicing. Three months later, everyone who is anyone in the movie is present at the go-kart track, where Maddy’s father returns fully healed. Outside the track, Austin and Gus attempt to force Maddy to choose between them . . . but she just runs away. Face it, guys: you’re SUCKERS!
Honestly. I cannot believe someone actually allowed this film to be made. All of your “American Family”-style conservative groups point toward mature music, television, and video games as the sources of iniquity in the U.S. Their vitriol is misguided, however; it’s films like Catch That Kid which are corrupting the minds of America’s youth. Whatever happened to whimsical, moral-filled flicks like Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory? How far has our degradation progressed in the intervening years? If you though The Real Cancun was a damning portrayal of the college-age generation, just imagine what films like this might do to the generation after. Wow . . . when did I become so serious? I guess ill-conceived movies can do that to a person.
Join me next week as I do something I should’ve done two weeks ago! I must atone for my laziness with a terrible, terrible film.
