Misunderstood Masterpieces 1.27.09: Can't Stop the Music
Posted by Will Helm on 01.27.2009
...or, I Finally Give the Razzies the Treatment They Deserve
I know, throughout the years, I've covered more than a few winners of the coveted Golden Raspberry Award for the Worst Film of the Year – and their related kudos, but this is the first trilogy of films dedicated to these paragons of cinema. So, enjoy.
But first, I suppose, a little backstory: in 1980, a man named John Wilson created the aforementioned Golden Raspberry Award, to honor films that represent the absolute worst of the art of that year. Supposedly inspired by a 99¢ double-bill featuring Xanadu and the film that would go on to be the first winner of the Golden Raspberry Award – or "Razzie," for short – for Worst Movie of the Year: Can't Stop the Music. Also stemming from 1980, Can't Stop the Music recounts the formation of the Village People, but with a wacky, glimmering Hollywood sheen. Interestingly, as 1980 was the very tail end of the disco era, Can't Stop the Music – like Xanadu – wasn't exactly embraced by the movie-going public. In fact, the film only grossed about 10% of its approximated $20 million budget . . . and $20 million isn't even that big a number! With such infamy as that, what better place to start this little tour of Razzie winners than with what must surely be a Misunderstood Masterpiece: Can't Stop the Music. Is it? Let's find out!
After a sparkly piano fires beams of light for no reason whatsoever, a young, unknown, and yet-to-be-awesome Steve Guttenberg skates around in a giant record store. Well, of all the nonsensical openings to a movie, I have to put this one at or near the top. Due to some unknown circumstance, Steve Guttenberg needs a night off, but his manager doesn't like the sound of that idea as it's inventory night. The idea of getting overtime somehow makes Steve Guttenberg go crazy, as he responds to his manager's rejection by throwing records around; in the process, he helpfully reveals that he's a struggling composer in addition to a retail slave. Thanks for that very important bit of information, movie. Steve Guttenberg, in a fit of pique because the power of music is more than the power of a paycheck, quits his job and hits the streets, where members of the Village People stalk him.
Elsewhere on the streets of New York, some braless – ah, the ‘70s – HOT CHICK (Valerie Perrine) struts and then draws a mustache on a billboard featuring her image for reasons totally unexplained. Meanwhile, Steve Guttenberg makes mannequins come to life – which I thought was always Andrew McCarthy's gig – before joining a horde of people frolicking in Washington Square. Once there, the two concurrent plotlines of the film converge as Steve Guttenberg assaults the braless HOT CHICK – don't worry; they're actually friends – and she reveals that she just retired from her modeling career, which I suppose makes her a foil for Steve Guttenberg, who's also unemployed, though for a very different reason.
Sometime later, the braless HOT CHICK goes back to her brownstone to find an Indian Chief (Felipe Rose) in her house. Thankfully, he isn't a very strangely dressed burglar, but yet another friend of the braless HOT CHICK; models must have attracted the most interesting coterie of acquaintances back in the ‘70s. Steve Guttenberg follows the braless HOT CHICK into the house and then brags to the Indian Chief about quitting his job – because unemployment is really something to be proud of – and then he sings a little just to hammer home that he is, indeed, a musician. The Indian Chief, not to be outdone, dances, and the braless HOT CHICK interrupts the proceedings to tell Steve Guttenberg that he's like a "brother" to her.
OH NO . . . IT'S THE HOT CHICK KISS OF DEATH!!! Pity poor Steve Guttenberg; he's not getting into the braless HOT CHICK's pants in this movie. Ironically, Steve Guttenberg follows this up by telling the braless HOT CHICK that he just wants a chance; presumably he means to be a musician and not tap it.
That evening, the braless HOT CHICK goes to a Western-themed disco, where the Indian Chief works, as well as the resort owner from Dirty Dancing, who happens to be a sleazy guy with an ugly jacket who hits on the braless HOT CHICK. Meanwhile, in the DJ booth, Steve Guttenberg spins records while the braless HOT CHICK finds the Cowboy (Randy Jones) on her way to visit her "brother." Along the way, Mr. Kellerman looks up her skirt. Classy. Once in the DJ booth, Steve Guttenberg confesses that music is his magic and then he plays a song in tribute to the braless HOT CHICK. Sorry, Steve . . . you're like a "brother" to her, remember? That means no nookie. After Steve Guttenberg futilely attempts to score with the braless HOT CHICK, the Indian Chief dances on a bar and the braless HOT CHICK wanders off to dance with some other guy.
Sucks to be you, Steve Guttenberg. Especially when, after your shift in the booth is over, the braless HOT CHICK accosts you only because she wants to bring your demo tape around to all the record executives that she slept with in her coke-fueled modeling days. How sweet.
The next day, some creepy lady (Tammy Grimes) calls the braless HOT CHICK because she needs a model for a dairy campaign and, even though she likes to keep her mammaries free, the braless HOT CHICK refuses. I guess she's sticking with that whole "retirement" thing. Good for her. Or not, as the creepy lady then starts plotting against the braless HOT CHICK; sadly, she doesn't start twirling a non-existent mustache just to belabor the point that she's the villain in the film. Meanwhile, in his little music room in the braless HOT CHICK's giant brownstone, Steve Guttenberg has a seizure to his own music until the braless HOT CHICK interrupts to tell him that his voice sucks and then she complains to the Indian Chief, who just happens to be there. The Indian Chief, perhaps as a moment of foreshadowing, serenades the braless HOT CHICK, which inspires her to recruit the Cowboy and a Broadway-loving Construction Worker (David Hodo), who follows up his induction with an impromptu musical number where he sings and dances while flanked by devilish women, because Construction Workers and devil-women make so much sense together.
Down on the street, the creepy lady bends over for some reason and an old lady, making her way out of – disturbingly – an "Erotic Bakery," spanks the creepy lady with a baguette. No, really. Proving that somewhere between the last scene and this scene someone behind the scenes turned on the "wacky switch," moments later, some old lady gets hit with a moped and then she mugs Good Samaritan Bruce Jenner, who was only trying to help her. After the old lady drives off with Bruce Jenner's valuables, the creepy lady gets herself stuck in a phone booth. Hmm . . . I wonder if this juxtaposition is a veiled reference to the fact that Bruce Jenner was in the running to play the lead role in Superman? And I also have to wonder just how I have the dumb luck of going from a movie featuring Kim Kardashian to a movie starring her stepfather.
Once again at the braless HOT CHICK's brownstone, Steve Guttenberg trains the proto-Village People while the braless HOT CHICK and the creepy lady's sassy secretary (Marilyn Sokol) gossip. After the short rehearsal, the Indian Chief hits on the secretary and then the secretary gives Steve Guttenberg some weed and hits on him instead. While Steve Guttenberg and the secretary wander off to presumably smoke up and get it on, Bruce Jenner shows up and freaks out because he just got mugged by an evil old lady. Luckily for him, a Cop (Ray Simpson) arrives moments later, but he's more interested in joining the proto-Village People than Bruce Jenner's plight. Little did anyone know at the time that Bruce Jenner would go on to be the unsung hero of Keeping Up with the Kardashians; now that's a plight!
After Steve Guttenberg and the secretary emerge from the braless HOT CHICK's shed or wherever, stoned out of their gourds, Steve Guttenberg's mom (the awesomely named June Havoc) arrives and brags about her wholesale fashions, while the creepy lady sneaks into the garden party uninvited. As retribution for crashing her party, the braless HOT CHICK forces the creepy lady to eat a contact lens mixed in with some lasagna, which pays off an unfunny joke from earlier in the film but is, in reality, just kind of gross. After dinner, Steve Guttenberg's mom, who may have had a little too much to drink, goes off the deep end because she thinks that her son is a musical god. Either to prove his mom's point or drown out her blathering, Steve Guttenberg interrupts with a musical number and everyone starts dancing, including the creepy lady. I guess she isn't the villain after all . . . but Bruce Jenner may very well be, as he leaves the party in a huff because he's a total square.
The next day, Steve Guttenberg lounges around on the front stoop wearing a pair of overalls and no shirt, just because he's Steve Guttenberg and he can do things like that. A modestly dressed braless HOT CHICK then joins him, only to complain that record executives are just horny men interested more in finding out if the braless HOT CHICK is indeed wearing a bra or not than the demo tape she's trying to sell them. Steve Guttenberg, perhaps either absent-mindedly or ruthlessly, tells the braless HOT CHICK to get back on her knees one more time . . . for a record executive, because Steve Guttenberg also reveals that he's celibate. Sex would just ruin his music, after all. Or he's just making up excuses because he can't get any anyway.
The braless HOT CHICK, remarkably, doesn't don any kneepads, but she does get slutted up to visit with a crazy record executive (Paul Sand), who also happens to be her ex-boyfriend. Though the braless HOT CHICK just wants to talk, the crazy record executive is too distracted by his phones to care about her. Once the braless HOT CHICK does have his attention, she pulls the demo tape on him, setting off a coke-fueled nervous breakdown, which segues into the braless HOT CHICK hitting on the crazy record executive with disco lyrics before taking her leave. On the way out, serendipitously, the braless HOT CHICK runs into Bruce Jenner, who chases her down to apologize for his actions the night before, blaming the whole misunderstanding on astrology. As if the movie couldn't be more ‘70s . . . even though it was released in 1980.
Later, the braless HOT CHICK, with Bruce Jenner in tow, visits Steve Guttenberg and, after the cursory meeting, she drops hot lasagna on Bruce Jenner's crotch. And yet viewers of Keeping Up with the Kardashians know this pales in comparison to his current emasculation. After Bruce Jenner takes off his pants, he volunteers his office – he is a tax accountant, after all – as a rehearsal space for the proto-Village People and then he relaxes in a barber chair, because everyone had a barber chair somewhere in their house in the ‘70s. The braless HOT CHICK then goes to check up on Bruce Jenner and, in the process, she spills some wine on him, which leads to wacky hijinks wherein she climbs all over him. I guess she wants to find out just what he can do with his javelin . . . until the braless HOT CHICK discovers that Bruce Jenner is married, although he says he's actually "divorcing" and in New York to have some fun. Evidently this excuse is good enough for the braless HOT CHICK, as she and Bruce Jenner make out and get it on anyway.
The next day, some friend of the braless HOT CHICK recruits a Soldier (Alex Briley) to try out for Steve Guttenberg's proto-Village People, so they go to Bruce Jenner's office and find it filled with hilarious vaudeville acts. While these colorful characters audition, Bruce Jenner's mom (Barbara Rush) and his boss – who may or may not be dating – drop by and the boss complains about the absurd scene in his offices. While Bruce Jenner attempts to run interference, his mom accidentally coins the name "Village People," which should probably be derogatory, but the actual Village People take it in stride. Of course, as of now there are only five . . . until the Leather Guy (Glenn Hughes) drops in to sing "Danny Boy" and bring the house down. Somehow, the combined power of the full roster of Village People causes Bruce Jenner to quit his job and then a guy juggling flaming batons sets off the office's sprinklers.
Sometime later, Bruce Jenner – wearing short shorts and a cut-off T-shirt in a very disconcerting ensemble – chats with Steve Guttenberg and reveals that he's found a new rehearsal space for the Village People. Of course, he keeps the specifics a mystery until the gang ends up at the local YMCA! Hmm . . . I sense a musical number coming and come it does, complete with completely unexpected glimpses of female and even male nudity. And this is a "PG" rated movie. I guess even fans of the Village People need a little thrill now and then. Although, while I don't mind the braless HOT CHICK bouncing around topless in a hot tub, I do have to take umbrage with some random guy's junk ruining the film. Thanks for that, movie!
After their boffo performance at the YMCA – where I've heard it's fun to stay, the Village People get together for a crucial audition with the crazy record executive; strangely, even though they want to sign their lives away to the record industry, the Village People choose to sing about "liberation." I wonder if they mean liberation of a different sort. It's of little consequence, however, as the record executive refuses to sign the Village People, much to the braless HOT CHICK's chagrin. While the braless HOT CHICK presumably laments her fate in life, Steve Guttenberg and Bruce Jenner go to lunch together; surprisingly, an upbeat braless HOT CHICK joins them moments later and they try to sell a little idea to her on how to score big with the Village People: a coming-out party! Umm . . . maybe that isn't the best choice of words on my part.
Until then, the braless HOT CHICK decides to try and raise money herself, so she calls the creepy lady and agrees to do the milk campaign. At the shoot for the commercial, an idyllic homestead is turned on its ear when the braless HOT CHICK is revealed to be mother to the Village People, who repay the braless HOT CHICK for the calcium and vitamin D by singing about milk. While the catchy tune does make Steve Guttenberg's mom dance, the sponsors aren't quite happy with homosexual stereotypes hawking their creamy white product, so they decide to hold the campaign for some focus testing or some other technical nonsense like that. This revelation ticks off Bruce Jenner, but then his spirits are strangely perked up when his mother arrives on the scene to helpfully take the reins of the Village People's coming-out extravaganza.
Of course, as part of that planning, a crazy scheme is hatched and the first step is that Steve Guttenberg and his mom visit the crazy record executive on his private jet . . . and hijack it! No, really. Though the crazy record executive protests his imprisonment, Steve Guttenberg and his mom ply his obeisance with Jewish delicacies and then, it seems from the time shift in the film, that they all end up sleeping together. Cocaine makes people do some crazy things . . . like incest, evidently.
Meanwhile, in San Francisco, some chicks sing while Bruce Jenner shows up with the Village People's costumes. Well, what better place would there be for the Village People's big coming out? Other than Greenwich Village, of course. Moments later, Steve Guttenberg and his mom arrive with contracts for the Village People, because they surely have more than enough to blackmail the crazy record executive into signing the group. Finally, the braless HOT CHICK – who's been missing the whole time even though no one really cares too much – drops in with Bruce Jenner's boss, who offers to become the Village People's lawyer and, in addition, rehires Bruce Jenner as well.
Somehow, Bruce Jenner rejoining the ranks of squares everywhere upsets the braless HOT CHICK, so he proposes to her . . . even though he's still married. Oh, wait; "divorcing." Then again, since it's a present participle and not a past participle, I have to think this is getting into bigamy territory. Sadly, my misgivings fall on deaf ears as the braless HOT CHICK and Bruce Jenner make out, while Steve Guttenberg has a breakdown in the background. Of course, this is all a prelude – and a 2-hour prelude at that – to the Village People finally taking the stage and making their big debut! And there was much rejoicing . . . mainly because the movie's finally over.
Maybe the standards of what makes a bad movie were higher back in 1980 because Can't Stop the Music isn't really that bad compared to the worst of today. Sure, it's often nonsensical, bloated with overly long musical numbers, and proposes a history for the Village People that puts their formation at least two years after the fact, but it does have a certain cheesy charm that makes it entertaining. Like it's spiritual twin Xanadu, Can't Stop the Music has a sort of fun quality to it that keeps it from being called "bad." Perhaps it's the effect of 29 intervening years that makes what was once a horrible flop into a guilty pleasure, or perhaps Can't Stop the Music, despite being the first Golden Raspberry Award winner, is actually a Misunderstood Masterpiece.
Join me next week as I go where no man has gone before to give the Star Trek universe a great big raspberry. See you then!
