Misunderstood Masterpieces: Dracula 2000
Posted by Will Helm on 10.03.2004
…or, In One Way or Another, This Movie’s Guaranteed to Suck
Guess what it’s time for, kids! The month is October, autumn is in the air, stores already have their Christmas decorations up . . . and that could mean only one thing: it’s once again time for Horror Movie-Mania 2004! Yes, last year’s feature was such a success that I’ve decided it’s proper to have a repeat performance . . . and what I line-up do I have this year! There’ll be a horror flick based on a popular video game, a sequel to an existential little film I covered last year, and the obligatory horror-comedy to cap it all off. To start out, however, I have a contemporary entry in one of the oldest forms of horror flick: the vampire movie.
The history of the vampire on the silver screen begins, formally, in 1922, with F.W. Murnau’s haunting silent masterpiece Nosferatu, eine Symphonie des Grauens, which loosely translates to “Nosferatu . . . and some scary stuff.” Or something like that; my German is a little spotty. Nine years later, from the U.S., came perhaps the most famous film vampire of them all: Dracula. Loosely based on the Bram Stoker novel of the same name, Dracula remains a legendary film and is the film for which Bela Lugosi will always be remembered . . . unless you’re a big fan of Edward D. Wood, Jr. Some less-than-stellar sequels followed, and the creature languished until Britain’s infamous Hammer Films released Dracula (a.k.a. Horror of Dracula) in 1958. With the imposing figure of Christopher Lee as the lead character, the success of this film and its sequels lead to a vampire renaissance in cinema. Of course, these films were all over the place in terms of quality, with such interesting entries in the oeuvre as Roman Polanski’s comedic The Fearless Vampire Hunters; 1972’s blaxploitation vampire flick Blacula; the bizarre Andy Warhol’s Dracula in 1974; culminating in the 1979 release of Dracula, this time with the hyper-sensual Frank Langella in the lead role.
Into the ‘80s and ‘90s, some really great and underrated vampire films would come along, usually under the guise of comedy, as is the case with the darkly humored Fright Night and the über-hip The Lost Boys. Dracula himself would return to the big screen as well, this time in Francis Ford Coppola’s “true to the novel” big-budget Bram Stoker’s Dracula in 1992. From that point on, however, things would go downhill quickly for the bloodsucker, as anyone who has seen Eddie Murphy’s atrocious Vampire in Brooklyn or John Carpenter’s awful Vampires can attest. Of course, neither of those films could outdo the sheer confusion of 2000’s aptly titled Dracula 2000. Released with the name recognition of horror-master Wes Craven, mastermind behind the Nightmare on Elm Street and Scream franchises, one would believe Dracula 2000 to be a good, stylish updating of the Bram Stoker legacy. Is it really? Well . . . it is stylish, and it is an updating, but it’s far from good. Please allow me to elaborate, won’t you . . .
As the film begins, we are actually not in 2000 as promised, but instead in 1897 . . . which begs the question: so why isn’t this called Dracula 1897, then? Anyway, a ship sails the high seas, accompanied by melodic yelling. The sirens would be proud. That evening, the ship encounters far more than rough surf; instead, the crew is dead and there’s a seeming novel written – in blood – on the sail. Later, in London, Jack the Ripper walks around. Well, at least it looked like ol’ Jack. I do have to say that it’d be quite boss if it was. Meanwhile, in the present day, some chick somewhere broods while some British dude (Johnny Lee Miller) shows a crossbow purportedly belonging to the legendary Van Helsing to some crusty German guy (Christopher Plummer). To add a little complication to the scene, it is revealed – through helpful exposition – that the crusty German guy is none other than the legendary Van Helsing’s not-so-legendary grandson. Unfortunately, they never give him a first name at this point, so I’ll just call him Jody. Jody Van Helsing. Anyway, after the weapon demonstration, the British guy exits the office and hits on Jody’s vaguely accented secretary Solina (Jennifer Esposito, back for a return engagement in the column). Through their “witty,” “sexually charged” banter, it is revealed that the British dude and Solina may or may not have gotten it on the month before. The film’s a little sketchy as to the particulars in that case. Oh, and for you serious Dracula-philes, all of this takes place in the quiet little district of Carfax, London. Well now . . . ain’t that cheeky?
While all of the ham-handed flirting is going on, some random guys, including – but not limited to – TV’s Danny Masterson and everyone’s favorite poor-man’s Wesley Snipes, Omar Epps, break into . . . somewhere. It must be someplace fairly important, since they utilize a fake handprint, a voice recording, and a glass eye to gain entry. It must be Jody’s building, as, upstairs, the creepy old geezer plays with his pet leeches. Umm . . . yeah. Back in the bowels of the building, Solina the sexy secretary finds the open aperture left by the ersatz thieves. She enters the vault where she discovers a collection of fanged skulls as well as the infiltrators . . . and she’s their ringleader! Holy inside job, Batman! Upstairs once again, Jody does the unthinkable: for reasons unbeknownst to us at the present time (and honestly never really clearly known to us at all), he injects himself with leech juice! After sending his fix on its merry way through his circulatory system, he then throws the leech into the fireplace, where it explodes. Leech ‘roid rage! Leech ‘roid rage! Although . . . I wonder what the street value of a leech is? Hmm . . .
Inside the inner sanctum of the crypt beneath Jody’s building, the thieves find their grand prize: a lead casket. It’s at this point that we finally learn the identity of the thieves’ fearless leader, Marcus (Epps) . . . over and over again. I swear; if I had a nickel for every time one of the characters says the name Marcus in this scene, I’d have a bunch of nickels. The thieves, overcome by their nefarious curiosity, mess with the casket, which unfortunately leads to all of the thieves that aren’t famous people being killed by traps, leaving Solina, Marcus, Danny Masterson, and the guy from Save the Last Dance as the only survivors. Or, at least, the only survivors I can remember. Anyway, after the traps are sprung, an alarm sounds in Jody’s office; meanwhile, the thieves argue about . . . something. I’ve seen Reservoir Dogs; I guess it’s just something that thieves inherently do. To put an end to the childish bickering, Solina – with her vague and inconstant accent – pulls a gun on her accomplices, getting their attention. They escape with the casket in tow, which, during the chaos, had surreptitiously sucked up some blood that had been spattered on its lid.
Sometime later, in New Orleans, some hot chick (Justine Waddell) in her underwear has a nightmare. Her trustworthy friend and roommate (Colleen Anne Fitzpatrick, a.k.a. one-time pop phenom “Vitamin C”) sighs and then they go for a walk. Back in jolly ol’ England, Jody and the British dude have a chat about something or other. Elsewhere, the thieves attempt to crack open the casket . . . while in a plane flying through bad continuity. You see, at one moment, the plane has clear skies ahead; in the next moment, outside the windows, we see the plane is now flying over an unmoving shot of cloud cover. I know the Atlantic is supposed to have unpredictable weather, but that’s more than a little ridiculous. Anyway, Danny Masterson, whose character still lacks a name, so I’ll call him Aloysius, cuts himself while trying to chisel open the coffin; inside the casket, whoever is in there seemingly lights up a doobie while sucking the blood from the lid once more. Then, all of a sudden, the lid opens and Aloysius discovers a knight inside. A knight wearing only a helmet. Wow . . . not only is Jody into doing leech juice, he’s also a bit kinky as well. Case in point: our mysterious, scantly clad knight is also covered with leeches. Aloysius, perhaps for comic relief, accidentally shoots one of the leeches into his own eye; ah, that’s a lovely visual. Although for Aloysius, it’s probably only half as lovely. Aloysius, undaunted by the near half-blinding, grabs at the knight’s wildly overgrown pubic area. The knight responds to this clumsy molestation in a notably unsurprising way: he headbutts Aloysius and eats him. Then, maybe just to vent his frustrations, he kills the black guy from Save the Last Dance and seduces the secretary, whose accent is still vague and nondescript.
Meanwhile, back in New Orleans, the hot chick has another bad dream. This time, she and the knight from the plane, who took the form of a “sexy” vampire – which leads me to believe he’s Dracula 2000 (Gerard Butler), stand face to face . . . but not. Then, once more, her sighing roommate walks in to spoil the fun. Later, the hot chick goes to confession and, during the course of the sacrament, develops a Russian accent. She whispers about terrible secrets, revealing perhaps the most terrible secret of them all: she’s an awful actress. Elsewhere, at the New Orleans airport, Jody watches a convenient news report about the thieves’ plane, which had crashed in the bayou. Although I must say that the plane crash is less interesting than who the network has covering the story: cameraman Tom Sawyer (Shane West) and ace reporter Seven of Nine (Jeri Ryan)! No, really. After remarking about her breasts and complaining about the bugs, Seven of Nine witnesses the horror of Dracula 2000 beating up her cameraman; she retreats to the newsvan, but it’s all for naught as Dracula 2000 follows and hits on her. I guess, much to former Senatorial candidate Jack Ryan’s chagrin, she really is a dirty girl.
In the heart of a New Orleans Virgin Megastore – who take product placement to unbelievable new levels in this film, the hot chick has yet another vision. OK, either she’s mentally unstable or she’s been getting a very certain kind of mushroom on her pizza. My vote’s for the latter; the Big Easy is just that kind of town. Due to her psychotic episode, the hot chick goes home early from work. Meanwhile, elsewhere in Louisiana, Jody and the British dude find the corpses from the plane crash which, unsurprisingly, come to life. Almost immediately, the British dude kills vampire Aloysius, proving just how disposable a character he is. After dispatching the blonde-haired, undead annoyance, the British dude and the sexy vampire secretary fight it out . . . until the police arrive on the scene. Instead of sticking around for the curious cops, the British dude and Jody exit with haste and argue all the way. In the scene, Jody hits the film-lull trifecta, providing backstory, exposition, and IMPORTANT PLOT POINTS all in one speech. He’s crafty like that.
In New Orleans once more, the hot chick and her priest friend from earlier (Nathan Fillion) chat. We learn, although it’s hard to decipher through her mumbling, that Dracula 2000 wants her soul! See . . . and I always thought he just wanted blood. Goes to show what I know. Then, for no reason other than the massive amounts of hallucinogens in her system, she has another vision. Out on the streets, meanwhile, Dracula 2000 scopes out the bacchanalian scene that is Mardi Gras. Elsewhere, at some Podunk Cajun police precinct, some detective and his creepy, Renfield-esque assistant interrogate the vampire secretary while she does yoga in an unpadded room. Even though the questioning goes on from behind a two-way mirror, the secretary seemingly spies the cop’s supposedly turgid member. As if the horror of an erect phallus wasn’t enough, Dracula 2000 arrives on the scene to kill the creepy little assistant guy; simultaneously, vampire Solina busts through the glass and munches down on the cop. Luckily, we don’t find out if she was telling the truth about him earlier . . . which is a good thing.
While the British guy and Jody argue yet more, Dracula 2000 goes to the New Orleans Virgin Megastore. Inside the monstrous multimedia metroplex, all the women in the establishment immediately shoot eggs upon seeing the “sexy” bloodsucker. Dracula 2000 has only one girl in mind, however . . . but the hot chick’s not there. So he, like some men are wont to do, settles for her sighing roommate, who is immediately enamored with our vampiric antagonist. The roommate then, unwisely, since this is quite ill-advised whether the guy is undead or not, takes Dracula 2000 home with her and invites him into the house! Oh no! Now he’s fully powered! I guess she’s never seen The Lost Boys, then. Somewhere, Corey Feldman weeps. Mainly because he’s Corey Feldman. Because Dracula 2000 does nothing in this film except exude pure animal sexuality – and when I say nothing, I mean NOTHING, he and the roommate get it on. And not only do they get it on, but they do so with such passion that they start levitating . . . nearly hitting a whirring ceiling fan in the process. Then, just because he can, Dracula 2000 vamps her out. Well, she’s Irish, so it’s not like she’d be going into direct sunlight anyway.
Back somewhere in the city, the British dude finds the hot chick, but she runs away. In her wake, vampire Marcus shows up disguised as a homeless man. The British dude, not content to die at the hands of a poor-man’s Wesley Snipes, kills vampire Marcus and then unleashes the WORST triumphant one liner ever. I’m loathe to reprint it here; you’ll just have to see the movie to hear it. And then you will never, ever, ever forget it. Meanwhile, Jody goes to the hot chick’s house – oh, I suppose I forgot to mention that he’s actually Abraham Van Helsing, he’s infected with vampire blood, and the hot chick is his daughter Mary . . . IMPORTANT PLOT POINTS, to be sure – and he and Dracula 2000 face off. Sometime later, Mary the hallucinating hot chick goes home and her roommate calls her on the phone . . . from inside the house! Dum-dum-DUM! OK, probably not really, but it’s just another horror film cliché they could’ve dumped in here. Anyway, Mary then goes upstairs where she hangs up a phone – see, it WAS from inside the house – and finds her dead father underneath the bed. Of course, I have no idea how she instinctively knew it was her dead father, considering the fact that she hadn’t seen him since she was a toddler or something like that. I guess she figured to herself, “There’s a mysterious, dead old guy under my bed, so it must be my long lost father!” Yeah, I’d make that deduction too.
After the startling discovery of a quite elderly corpse under her bed, Mary then comes face to face with her vamped-out roommate. Mary flees, but then she’s attacked by . . . the curtains! No, not the curtains! Although I guess it’s better than being accosted by huge tracts of land. After a near melee with home décor items, Mary then encounters the vampire chicks; luckily for her, she seems to have the power to channel Carrie White and makes the bloodsucking sluts telekinetically disappear. Then, out of thin air or something equally supernatural, Dracula 2000 shows up and chases Mary while pantomiming a transformation into a wolf. No, seriously. And his skillz are so bad that it looks like something rejected from Michael Jackson’s “Thriller” video. Speaking of which, how sad is it that, at this point, “Thriller” is probably the least scary thing about Michael Jackson’s life? Although, if you take the time to really ponder the lyrics to that song, we should’ve seen this all coming: “You feel the cold hand and wonder if you’ll ever see the sun / You close your eyes and hope that this is just imagination / But all the while you hear the creature creepin’ up behind.” Yeah, sounds like a molester to me. Sigh . . . if we knew then what we know now. Anyway, just as lupine Dracula 2000 is about to strike, the British dude swoops in and rescues Mary . . . and then backstory, exposition, and IMPORTANT PLOT POINTS are once again revealed.
Later, to escape the horror of Dracula 2000 (like I wish I could at this point . . . but there’s yet more in store!), Mary and the British dude take refuge in a church. It’s at this point that the British dude finally reveals his origins . . . and he’s a stereotypical Jake. You know, the rugged-yet-sensitive male character – usually named Jake and found on American soap operas – who has the uncanny ability to cry while still appearing masculine. Then, yet again, there’s more exposition, as the British Jake channels both Marius and Clarissa and explains it all. Then, all of a sudden, Mary gains the ability to spontaneously translate Aramaic to English – a worrisome development, considering I know what’s coming up – and then Dracula 2000 returns! The British Jake, as an act of divine defense, attempts to hold off his undead foe with a Bible; Dracula 2000 scoffs at the notion, until the British Jake somehow – and I have NO idea how – shoots the pages at him and they burst into flames. OK . . . that was a wee bit contrived. Although it’s not really a good way to get people to read the Bible again. Or perhaps it is: the Revised King James Bible, Pro-Active edition – the first Bible to forcibly proselytize without human intervention! The Bible stories just leap from the pages . . . literally.
After the scuffle in the church, Dracula 2000 chases Mary into a contractually required graveyard – because if you make a vampire movie, there HAS to be at least one present. Once he catches up with her, Dracula 2000 reveals his deep, dark secret: she’s Darth Vader’s daughter! Whoops . . . sorry. Wrong movie. He reveals his deep, dark secret: she’s his heir! And then he kidnaps her. OK . . . let’s take a few minutes and ponder this whole “heir” bit, shall we? Now, as far as I could tell, Mary was the direct heir of Abraham (Jody) Van Helsing and her mother . . . umm . . . Tiffany Van Helsing. Yeah, that works. Anyway, are we to assume that, since Abraham’s blood is intermingled with Dracula 2000’s, that his sperm is corrupted as well? I mean, that’s the only logical solution to this claim that I can think of, but even that seems a bit suspect. OK, A LOT suspect. I guess it’s at this point that I just have to say “whatever, movie. Whatever.”
Anyway, while Dracula 2000 is busy absconding with his supposed heir, the British Jake follows the vampire chicks and kills one of them on a rooftop. Unfortunately for him, there’s little time to celebrate, as he gets knocked out by the remaining two. Meanwhile, somewhere else, Dracula 2000 goes off on some kind of existential rant while Mary listens half-heartedly. Then, for no reason in particular, he bites her and they go flying together. Somehow, this “expertly” segues into a scene from the vampire kama sutra, with Dracula 2000 and Mary getting it on and sharing body fluids . . . in more than just the usual way. Although, if she’s his “heir,” wouldn’t this be a sort of vampire incest? Ugh. That’s all I have to say. Ugh. Although, if you’re sickened now, just wait one more minute . . .
Why? Well, now it’s time for the big, movie-killing plot twist du jour. And tonight’s addition to the list: Dracula 2000 is actually . . . Judas Iscariot! Oh no. Oh no no no. You have REALLY REALLYREALLY got to be kidding me. Dracula 2000 is actually Judas, betrayer of Christ? When did this film stop being a superficial vampire hack-n’-slash and turn into Vlad Tepes, Superstar? I didn’t ask for this. I really didn’t. You could’ve just kept Dracula 2000 as Dracula and left it at that. But NO! You have to go and get all deep and try to create some kind of ur-Dracula, just so that you can feel cool because of your little theory that reconciles Biblical tradition, the historical Dracula, Bram Stoker’s book, and your silly little movie. Well, aren’t we just CHEEKY. You really should be ashamed of yourself, movie. Really now . . . Dracula 2000 as Judas? What’s next . . . the creature from the Black Lagoon is actually Saul of Tarsus? Seriously, people.
Anyway, Mary – instead of laughing in Dracula 2000’s face, as anyone else would’ve done at this point – vamps out. She sucks the British Jake at Dracula 2000’s urging, but it’s all a ruse as she merely bites her tongue and then beheads her roommate. During the chaos, she then stabs Dracula 2000 while the British Jake escapes and fights Solina the sexy vampire secretary. While the British Jake decapitates the secretary – I guess he wanted some head – Dracula 2000 throws Mary into a fluorescent crucifix. Yeah. Somehow, Mary ends up hanging Dracula 2000 over the side of a building and then she falls from the rooftop but survives PERFECTLY UNHARMED. Yeah, it’s confusing to me to . . . bear with me. Dracula 2000/Judas Iscariot finally meets his fate by bursting into flames when the sun crests the horizon . . . and everything is alright in the aftermath. We know everything must be alright, as Mary writes the denouement into her personal journal, where she asserts her heritage as a Van Helsing and goes forth as a vampiric vampire fighter . . . or something like that.
Alright, it’s been a while since I’ve done one of these, but I think it’s high time I brought it back. Note to future filmmakers: Please, don’t try to be more profound than you need to be. If you’re making a cheesy, stylish vampire flick, please don’t bog it down with existential ramblings and quasi-spiritual revelations in the last act. It doesn’t hurt to have a movie that’s consistent in tone from beginning to end. In the recent past I’ve commented on films that seem to turn on a dime and how that hurts the over all cinematic experience. Constancy and consistency are not anathema to good filmmaking. Honestly, do you want your film, your pride and joy, to end up like Dracula 2000? I didn’t think so.
Anyway, join me next week as Horror Movie-Mania 2004 continues as we delve into video game-inspired terror. Be sure to bring your light gun!
