Misunderstood Masterpieces: House Of The Dead
Posted by Will Helm on 10.12.2004
…or, Never Have I Wanted to Shoot at the Screen More
Since this is Horror Movie-Mania 2004, I pose to you the question: is there anything more horrific than a film based on a video game?
When perusing the pantheon of the world of gaming’s cinematic excursions, one can dredge up a bevy of once and future Misunderstood Masterpieces. The list seems to be endless and is ever growing, as well; we’ve had Mortal Kombat and Mortal Kombat: Annihilation, based off of the infamous Midway franchise; Resident Evil and Resident Evil: Apocalypse, inspired by Capcom’s seminal survival-horror title . . . and these are just the fairly “good” entries, relatively speaking. When it comes to BAD video-game films, who can forget such silver screen classics as Double Dragon, Street Fighter, or the utterly bizarre Super Mario Brothers? Just in case you thought Hollywood would learn from its mistakes, there’s plenty of video-game flicks in the production pipeline, including Bloodrayne, Doom, and Half-Life. While the quality – if such a word can be used in good faith – of these future films has yet to be revealed, there is one video-game film, doubling as a horror film, which outshines the rest in its sheer awfulness (until the next video-game movie I cover): 2003’s House of the Dead.
Based on Sega’s classic arcade “rail shooter” of the same name, House of the Dead single-handedly stretches every horror movie tradition and cliché well past the breaking point. Hard to believe? Well, please allow me to state my case . . .
Like a finely-crafted film, we begin with two very different elements juxtaposed against one another: dance music and a guy brooding in a graveyard. Ooh, perhaps that’s to hammer home the fact that we should enjoy our short time on the planet, a post-modern memento mori, of sorts. Either that, or director Uwe Boll figured this was “deep.” You be the judge, dear readers. After the manly monikered Rudy (Jonathan Cherry) finishes his monologue – Hamlet he is not, the trippy, spaced-out opening credits begin . . . replete with footage from the actual video game. Eh, that’s not too bad in that setting, honestly, but remember that for future reference. Oh, and I’d be remiss in not mentioning that the eye-catching production design is the work of that lauded artiste Tink. OK, I have no idea who he – HE?!? – is, but let me treat you to some interesting factoids about this enigmatic character (from www.imdb.com):
-- He has an older brother named Larry. No word on whether or not his full name is “Larry Tink.”
-- Even more disturbing, the name “Tink” is actually short for “Tinkle” . . . which would make his brother “Larry Tinkle.”
-- Like e.e. cummings before him, he prints his name in the lower case. “Larry tinkle”?
-- Most interestingly, he has “invented” his own martini (essentially a blue cosmopolitan) called the “Tinkini” . . . which, without a doubt, is a much more appetizing name than the “tinkle.”
After the seizure-inducing opening sequence, Rudy the brooding guy – and his mighty voice-over – introduces us to our dramatis personae du jour. At some harbor somewhere, vapid pretty-boys Greg (Will Sanderson) and “underwear model” Simon (Tyron Leitso) throw rocks at bottles. Og the Neanderthal would be proud. It seems that they’re just standing on the dock of the bay, wasting time, because they missed the boat to some rave out in the middle of a mysterious island. Meanwhile, at said rave – which apparently was paid for by Sega, the makers of “The House of the Dead” – a bunch of annoying people dance as if the Sentinels were about to attack Zion or something. It’s not a good sign when it’s almost five minutes into the movie and I already want all the characters to die. Way to build up sympathy for your protagonists, movie! Accompanying Simon and Greg to this far-off rave are a trio of HOT CHICKS: slutty Cynthia (Sonya Salomaa), sassy Karma (Enuka Okuma), and nerdy but well-endowed Alicia (Ona Grauer). Let it be said that, other than Will Sanderson and Jonathan Cherry, this film already features some of the most bizarre names ever credited in North American cinema. Oh . . . there also happens to be a bizarre love triangle going on with Greg, Cynthia, Karma, and Simon . . . and maybe even Alica as well. Oh, and Rudy. Honestly, it’s one Jake away from being a soap opera.
In order to properly satiate their hunger for a good rave, the quintet of would-be party-goers attempts to hitch a ride on a fishing boat manned by none other than Clint Howard! OK, now this movie is officially scary. In actuality, Clint Howard is merely the Gilligan to the boat’s true skipper, Capt. Kirk (Jürgen Prochnow). Oh . . . har har har. “Captain Kirk.” Very funny, movie; very funny. Of course, instead of being everyone’s favorite captain of the starship Enterprise, our film’s Captain Kirk is a mentally unstable, mumbling German. Now, interestingly enough, there’s also another, more subtle inside joke going on here, especially for you fans of the films von Deutschland: veteran actor Prochnow portrayed the captain of an ill-fated submarine in the 1981 Wolfgang Petersen opus Das Boot. Clever, Mr. Casting Director . . . clever indeed. Anyway, Kirk and his first mate – who he apparently and repeatedly refers to as “Sally” – are wary about travelling to the rave, since it is taking place on the ominously named “Isla del Muerta!” OK . . . now, when I said earlier that this movie was taking place somewhere, I shrouded the truth a bit. It actually takes place, if setting is to be believed, in Seattle, Washington. So, it follows, as the night does the day, that the mysterious “Island of the Dead” lies somewhere in Puget Sound. Yeah . . . that’s REALLY scary. Then again, the locale does explain Rudy’s proclivity for brooding; he’s like a (very) poor man’s Eddie Vedder.
Just before jetting off to the exotic – and damp – “Isla del Muerta,” there’s TENSION to be had, as Kirk, Sally, and their passengers are accosted by uppity marine patrol officer Casper (Ellie Cornell). Kirk calmly accedes to Casper’s wishes, but one of the two indistinguishable pretty-boys bribes him into fleeing the scene and heading off to the “exciting” rave. Meanwhile, at that very same rave, some goofy crazy kids almost get it on. Back on the boat, the passengers cavort, imbibe, complain, and puke on each other. Well, Greg puked on Cynthia, at least. I think that means they’re married in some cultures. Or at least have the makings of a very disturbing fetish website. Over on the island, the chick from before, who is now unsurprisingly naked, is attacked by underwater farts. No, really; she’s actually seemingly assaulted by marine-borne bubbles. The preponderance of flatulence in the water leads the naked HOT CHICK to come ashore and go in search of her once-inebriated and now-missing suitor. Once again on the boat, Cynthia, the spoiled HOT CHICK with loose morals, washes her shirt while topless, much to Sally’s amusement. He gives her a crucifix as a token of his affection; meanwhile, I’m seriously creeped out.
Over on the island again, the formerly naked HOT CHICK discovers, in a clearing, a house . . . OF THE DEAD! OK . . . maybe not yet. She’s looking for “Matt” (Steve Byers), who I assume is the drunken sot she was frolicking with earlier. She does discover him, and he is quite stiff, but only because he’s DEAD . . . OF THE DEAD! Uh-oh . . . I sense a running theme here. After her shocking discovery, some random and rubbery zombies emerge from the darkness and chow down on her tasty, soft, and supple flesh. Then, for no reason WHATSOEVER, a clip of the video game is shown . . . no, really. I’m not making this up. Someone – tink, I’m looking in your direction – had the bright idea to actually splice game footage into the feature! Oddly, it remains to be seen as to whether or not that is so far the best scene in the film. We’ll have to complete our further review . . . and I shall right about now.
Anyway, the boat – OF THE DEAD – comes ashore on the “Island of the Dead”; meanwhile, Casper’s marine patrol boat – including cannon-fodder partner – docks at the opposite end of the island. In the intervening hours . . . minutes . . . indeterminate amount of time between the boat’s departure and arrival, the island has become mysteriously deserted, bereft of the twenty or so ravers that once populated it’s damp surface. While Kirk and Sally stay behind, our annoying quintet of twenty-somethings wanders around the island and complains incessantly. After a near eternity of belly-aching, one of the guys – again, either Simon or Greg . . . they’re interchangeable – sniffs a whiff of underwater fart . . . and then another clip of the game is shown for a split second. OK, movie . . . explain yourself. Ain’t gonna do it, huh? We’ll see about that.
On the boat, Kirk and Sally mumble about storms and danger and such, showing off their uncanny mariners’ intuitions. Perhaps the fact that the wind is picking up and clouds are rolling in also helped them to their conclusions. Oh, and also the fact that they’re in the greater Seattle area; it’s not like saying it’s going to rain is a bold prediction in that part of the world. Deep into the darkened woods of the island, the kooky kids come upon the now-abandoned rave. Alicia, the nerdy but well-endowed HOT CHICK, is suspicious of the scene, but Greg and Simon console themselves the only way they know how: by tapping a keg. Meanwhile, on the boat, Kirk and Sally’s prediction comes to fruition, as it is now raining . . . ONLY on the boat. Back at the precipitation-free rave, Greg and Cynthia, an exceptionally annoying couple who I pray never EVER reproduce, hang around the campsite and make out; the other three “kids” – who are far to old to refer to by that epithet – go off in search of the remnants of the rave. Elsewhere, Sally, not heeding Kirk’s warnings to stay put, searches the island himself. You know, for being so intimidated by the mere idea of journeying to the island earlier in the film, Sally has become quite bold in the span of thirty minutes. Continuity . . . what’s that?
On the island, Sally, unsurprisingly, since he is nothing more than unfortunately-named cannon fodder, meets his demise at the hands of . . . something. Elsewhere, Greg and Cynthia prepare to copulate in some random tent . . . OF THE DEAD! The romantic moment is spoiled, however, by Greg’s dodgy bladder, which acts up just as things were beginning to get hot and heavy. Perhaps he should’ve stuck around, though; we already know Cynthia has no problems with being awash in bodily fluids. Meanwhile, Simon, Alicia, and Karma walk around aimlessly; on the boat, Kirk, embodiment of European masculinity, pulls his gun and lights his cigar . . . which he can smoke in the midst of a driving rainstorm with little effect on the embers. Perhaps that’s the awesome power of his manliness . . . not to be confused with the Awesome Power of Samuel L™.
Back at the campsite, Cynthia, everyone’s favorite whiny, slutty HOT CHICK, finds herself in the unenviable position of being eaten by zombies. Meanwhile, back at the clearing from earlier in the film, Karma, Alicia, and Simon come upon the mysterious house . . . OF THE DEAD! Inside said house . . . OF THE DEAD! . . . they find something decidedly not dead: survivors. Sadly, not the ‘80s rock group Survivor, though. Instead, it’s just brooding Rudy, some guy who looks like fake Stephen Dorff, and an Asian HOT CHICK dressed in an American flag bodysuit. Oh, and it also happens that fake Stephen Dorff conveniently 1) has a video camera and 2) is obsessed with the films of George Romero. For those of you unfamiliar with Mr. Romero’s works, he’s the mastermind behind The Night of the Living Dead, Dawn of the Dead, and Day of the Dead, among others. So, we have him to blame for the “OF THE DEAD!” gimmick. Thank you, George. Anyway, after the survivors present the evidence of zombies existing on the island, Alicia decides – for the group – to do what anyone else would do in this situation: to stick around and look for more survivors. Evidently, just because she’s nerdy (and well-endowed), it doesn’t necessarily mean she’s smart. You know, when faced with an army of rubber-suited undead, my first instinct would be to . . . oh, I don’t know . . . GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE! Silly people. They deserve to die at this point.
Out in the bay, some zombies swim out to Kirk’s boat. Meanwhile, at the campsite, Alicia rambles on about underwear models or something like that. Then, they find Greg in a capsized Port-a-Potty and covered in excrement. So, as of now, that makes two characters covered in human effluence. Methinks that won’t be the end of that trend. After the group extricates Greg from his miasmatic cell, zombified Cynthia shows up on the scene and kills fake Stephen Dorff. Well, I guess he provided as much exposition as needed and therefore lived out his usefulness; way to go, sport! After the ersatz Deacon Frost is dispatched, Casper the friendly marine patrol officer arrives to send Cynthia to re-meet her maker. Over on the boat, Kirk, bastion of testosterone, calmly shoots the infiltrating zombies with his trusty sidearm. Back on the island, Alicia has a nervous breakdown while I laugh at the fact that it was her idea to stay. Irony, why must you be so cruel . . .and funny?
After Alicia’s unfortunate “episode,” the crew, bolstered by the presence of Casper the friendly marine patrol officer, goes on the move. Somewhere during the course of their journey, they come upon a swamp . . . infested with snapping zombies! It’s a zombie ambush! Luckily, they fight off the near-legion of the undead and cross the bridge over the marsh, but not without casualties: brooding Rudy put his hand right onto an exposed nail! Ooh, the horror! He might contract tetanus! After some indeterminate amount of time – this film’s really sketchy with that bit, the group comes upon the beach, where a zombie firefight breaks out! The Asian chick, with the awesome power of her silicone chest, fights off a zombie, but Kirk, sadly, gets bitten by one of the undead creatures. Elsewhere, Simon the underwear model sees his career dashed as one of the zombies expectorates a wad of acidy spit right into his face! Dane Cook would be proud. While he freaks out, Alicia starts talking sense . . . for the first time in the movie. You know, they wouldn’t be in this mess if she hadn’t decided that they should go and look for survivors; I think it’s a little late to be the voice of reason, sweetcheeks.
After the firefight subsides and the scene calms down a bit, Kirk, manly as ever, busts out the exposition and, of course, the IMPORTANT PLOT POINTS! Although, I don’t know quite how important these plot points are, as it seems that they terrible origin of the “Isla del Muerta” goes back to . . . a crazy pirate!?! Yes, folks . . . a crazy pirate. You see, sometime in olden colonial days, or even before then, some loony Spanish pirate/scientist was exiled from his native land. In retribution, he strangled some fat ship captain with a chain and landed the ship – himself – on the island. And, as is de rigeur in these movies, it’s been haunted ever since. After the story-telling ends, the zombies, who must have been mystified by Kirk’s turgid masculinity, redouble their attack, only to face re-death by the barrel of Casper the friendly marine patrol officer’s gun. Meanwhile, a horde of rubbery zombies chases Greg, who cowers behind a large tree root with Frodo and Sam at his side. He rests there for a few moments and, thinking the coast is clear, emerges . . . only to be eaten by a throng of jumping, rubbery zombies. Mmmm . . . yummy.
Down on the beach, the rest of the survivors discover Kirk’s deep, dark, convenient secret – which Casper knew all along: he’s not only a manly fishing boat captain, but a notorious gun smuggler as well! Luckily for all involved, Kirk just happens to have a burgeoning cache of high-powered weapons at his disposal, which he kindly distributes to his comrades. Now, instead of fighting their way onto the boat – like any sane individual would do, the group instead makes their way to the house . . . OF THE DEAD! for no reason in particular. Along the way, some interesting things happen. First, they’re unsurprisingly attacked by a never-ending armada of lame zombies, which they fight off with their high-caliber armaments. Then, during the course of their walk to the house (OF THE DEAD!), Uwe Boll channels Quentin Tarantino and rips off the slow-motion walk from Reservoir Dogs. I guess, in his little director world, he thinks that’s cool. Personally, I think the last time that was cool was when Doug Lyman ripped it off in Swingers, but what do I know? I’m just a lowly Internet columnist. Adding to the decidedly unoriginal nature of things, we’re also treated to Matrix-esque freeze-frame spinny camera tricks as well. One problem, though: whenever the shot freezes for the glorious effect, the subject is – for some unexplained reason – holding an entirely different weapon than what they originally held. Continuity: ask for it by name!
Now, if you thought that the group of “heroes” – and I use that term loosely – was a little large for this point in the movie, you’d be right. Luckily, just to ratchet up the non-existent suspense, the Asian chick lives out her usefulness and gets eaten. Meanwhile, brooding Rudy has another existential episode while accompanying Casper into the house. He makes it inside, but she isn’t as lucky as a herd of zombies chews off her legs . . . into perfectly even stumps. Nifty, to say the least. Rudy pulls her into the house and, while she sits on the floor and quickly bleeds to death, he thanks her for her help. I guess, even though he’s a pre-med student, a little field dressing is out of the question at that point. Brooding Rudy then covers Casper with a sheet so that she can cease being a friendly marine patrol officer and commence being a friendly . . . well, you know.
Once again inside the house that he was seemingly perfectly safe inside of earlier, brooding Rudy opens the front door, allowing passage for the rest of the group. Once again, the hangers-on aren’t so lucky, as this time Kirk has a zombie snack on his leg for a moment, immobilizing him. The rest of the group lay him onto a table and Alicia consoles our masculine role model by shoving her breasts into his face. Well, if he dies, at least he’ll die happy. Meanwhile, Simon, slightly disfigured by the acidic loogie, laments his melty face. Karma joins him and, for reasons unbeknownst to me, they start making out. I guess she likes guys who look like molten mozzarella. Moments later, brooding Rudy and well-endowed Alicia argue over Casper’s legless corpse . . . and then THEY make out as well. I guess being attacked by zombies has a certain effect on the libido; now we know just what the secret ingredient in Viagra is. Although, more than likely, zombie essence is probably a secret ingredient in Enzyte; that really would explain the creepy commercials. Then again, instead of “natural male enhancement,” I think Bob is merely in need of another treatment: “a new wife.” If you’ve seen it, you know what I’m talking about. If not . . . um . . . sorry about that.
Anyway, after all is settled, Kirk gives brooding Rudy some helpful advice and then Alicia discovers a book filled to the brim with exposition and IMPORTANT PLOT POINTS . . . although, if said book was written by the mysterious Castillo (David Palffy), crazy Spanish pirate, shouldn’t it be . . . in Spanish? Unless, of course, Alicia can read and translate Spanish instantaneously; there are certain benefits to being a well-endowed nerd. After the exposition-laden interlude, Simon, Rudy, Karma, and Alicia search the house and find a secret laboratory, complete with such decorative and festive touches as rotting corpses and severed heads. Meanwhile, in the main hall, Kirk overhears Sally outside whistling the fight song to Zombie High. Kirk amazingly regains the ability to walk and ambles over to the front door. He exits the house, shoots Sally, and then blows himself up, taking more than a few zombies with him. Inside the house, everyone, unsurprisingly, panics.
In the fracas, Karma, overwhelmed with confusion, shoots a fishtank down in the lab . . . which just happened to be filled with zombie leeches! And, to add insult to stupidity, the leech juice – much like in Dracula 2000 – invigorates the rotting corpses strewn about the floor, animating them in an undead rage! Simon, since his future as an underwear model is now ruined by some zombie phlegm, sees only one recourse to his disfigurement: he ignites a convenient stockpile of gunpowder and blows himself – and the zombies – to smithereens. You know, it’s really lucky for all these plot devices to be lying around like that. It surely keeps the film flowing nicely, like a steady stream of waste. Karma, Rudy, and Alicia – the remaining survivors – escape down to some catacombs . . . with a railroad track running down the middle. OK then. The zombies, of which there seems to be an infinite number, ambush them AGAIN. Karma, since she’s a minority, sacrifices herself to the zombies’ hunger so that Rudy and Alicia can escape and, hopefully, make brooding, nerdy, well-endowed children.
Such a future might not be, however, as the zombies quickly finish their meal; luckily for our unhappy couple, some guy in a hood rescues them from the zombies’ collective maw. Under the hood: none other than everyone’s annoying, poo-covered goof that everyone thought dead, Greg! Well, not really Greg of course; it’s just Castillo, a stitched-up, crazy Spaniard wearing Greg’s face. It seems that he wants Rudy’s and Alicia’s flesh; for what, I don’t want to know. After a little bit of token swordplay and even less TENSION, our “heroes” escape and blow up the laboratory in their wake. Unfortunately for them, stitchy follows with his sword in hand. Once he closes the distance, Castillo and Alicia, who is conveniently a competitive fencer in her spare time, have a duel. He stabs her, but brooding Rudy, put out by her seeming demise, decapitates our Spanish friend. OK . . . now here’s where things get REALLY silly (as if they weren’t so before): in the aftermath, Castillo’s headless “corpse” attempts to clumsily strangle brooding Rudy. This gambit is put to an end, however, as Alicia pops back to life and steps on Castillo’s remarkably squishy severed head. Honestly, it was less a severed head and more a rubber squeeze toy. I was even expecting it to make a silly noise while the eyes and tongue bugged out. Oh, and then Alicia may or may not die. Well, at least she’s still well-endowed. In the denouement, brooding Rudy carries Alicia’s body out to somewhere, where government agents Rogan (Adam Harrington) and G (Colin Lawrence) await. Brooding Rudy then gives a brooding epilogue where he reveals that he’s going to grow up to become the villain in the first “The House of the Dead” game . . .
OK . . . you have really got to be kidding. The movie is a prequel to the first game!?! UGH!
So . . . it’s not often that I see a movie that has absolutely no redeeming qualities. House of the Dead is one of those movies. I never thought that such an insipid collection of clichés, bad special effects, and terrible acting could be present in one film . . . without any camp value to rescue it. Some may say that House of the Dead is so bad that it’s good. They’re wrong. This is a level of bad that I never knew existed. It’s not Showgirls bad; it’s not Manos: The Hands of Fate bad; it’s not even Plan 9 from Outer Space bad. This movie is like an aberration upon cinema; it should be locked up in an attic somewhere and only spoken of in hushed tones. No . . . you know what . . . forget that. This should be made for all to see, with one caveat: House of the Dead represents what a good film – or any film, for that matter – shouldn’t try to be like. Maybe then people will realize just what happens when you try to recreate a video game on the big screen . . . or maybe not.
Join me next week as I continue Horror Movie-Mania 2004 with the sequel to a film from the Great White North that I covered last year. I’m sure it’ll be a howling good time.
