Misunderstood Masterpieces: Berry Gordy's The Last Dragon

Posted by Will Helm on 11.30.2004

…or, Do We Really Need Kung-Fu in the ‘Hood?

Ah yes, my friends, another kung-fu movie. This time, however, there are no hopping zombies, criminal masterminds named Keith, or golden “booters” to be found. This time, there isn’t even the dulcet tones of John Carpenter’s synthesizer playing. No, my dear readers, the music of this little picture is notably “urban,” decidedly R&B. And, if you thought that kung-fu and sweet soul music shouldn’t go together, couldn’t go together . . . well, you’re right. But at least Berry Gordy’s The Last Dragon gives it a chance.

Executive produced by Motown Records’ legendary founder Berry Gordy, Berry Gordy’s The Last Dragon attempts to marry the disparate realms of the kung-fu movie and the “urban” demographic. Merging Asian-inspired action with some funky tunes may have been profitable, as the film netted $23,000,000 in box-office revenue, but that doesn’t necessarily mean the film was a success. With its heady mix of dated musical accompaniment and over-the-top performances, Berry Gordy’s The Last Dragon is a strange cinematic journey into the possibilities of popular fusion cinema. Add to the mix the fact that a few extraneous players would later go on to eclipse the entire cast – more on that later – and you have on your hands a certifiable Misunderstood Masterpiece. Don’t believe me? Please allow me to elucidate further . . .

Somewhere, some guy stretches and flexes while filmed in seeming sepia tone. Then, after the impromptu calisthenics, said individual does some token martial arts while accompanied by stereotypical grind-house sound effects. Either that, or he’s breakdancing. Ozone would be proud. Oh, and for reasons unexplained, he’s also practicing his chopstick technique in addition to having a workout. He’s going to show that sashimi who’s boss! After the scene-setting opening credits sequence, we pull out to see our hero, Leroy Green (Taimak) pummeling a ball and a log while an old Asian guy shoots arrows at him. Hmm . . . now who in the ‘hood has a compound bow anyway? Methinks that’s a bit of overkill. Then again, the idea of a drive-by arrow-ing is just too absurd not to ponder. It’s almost as good as a drive-by stabbing, honestly.

Anyway, after the mysterious training session, we learn that our fearless, kung-fu flick obsessed hero has now graduated from the old coot’s tutelage. Of course, the aged master explains it all with the requisite quasi-mystical mumbo-jumbo that goes along with the territory. I guess you can’t be a credible sensei without being decidedly obtuse. Anyway, during his pointless spiel, the old master explains that Leroy – or something – is the “last dragon.” What this means . . . well, we really have no clue. It’s just the title of the movie, pretty much. After finding out that there is a “last dragon” somewhere in the film, Leroy is given the task of finding a new master; in order to help Leroy in his quest, the old guy gives our hero what appears to be Bruce Lee’s pimp medallion. The wizened master then tells Leroy that he has moved on to the next level. Ooh! Maybe it’ll be the ice board! Or the jungle maze!

Out on the streets of Harlem, Leroy walks around in stereotypical Chinese garb and without a hint of irony. Even more stereotypically, he celebrates his ascension the only way he knows how: by going to a Bruce Lee movie. Oh, and I’d be remiss in not mentioning that alongside him in the audience are what seem to be gang members and Elvis impersonators. No, really. To be honest, though, this is a true slice of New York life. I remember, during my tenure there, going with some friends to see – of all things – Mortal Kombat: Annihilation at midnight in a giant Times Square theater. Needless to say, the rowdy audience was a far more entertaining element than the actual feature . . . although just mentioning it here does give me ideas for the future. Stay tuned for developments in that regard. Sadly, my movie-going experience lacked the beer and dancing going on in this film. Things in the theater are all well and good until the movie stops and who should bust in but Sho’nuff (Julius J. Carry III), the (self-proclaimed) Shogun of Harlem! To be honest, he looks like nothing more than a samurai-infused pimp, but it’s all about the way he carries himself that pulls the look off. Oh, and, unsurprisingly, Sho’nuff and Leroy are rivals in the ‘hood’s burgeoning kung-fu scene. Or something like that. Sho’nuff, perhaps insecure with his risky fashion statements, threatens Leroy, but instead two fat guys in leather and a Chinese guy – who has his hindquarters handed to him – challenge instead. A kung-fu brawl breaks out on the stage between the audience and Sho’nuff’s crew; Leroy, meanwhile, walks out a side exit, unfazed. Humph . . . wimp.

Meanwhile, in a decidedly ritzier part of town, a bald guy ties a bowtie while his squeaky girlfriend paints her nails on the couch. Ah, so this would be our stereotypical “Mr. Big” for this picture (a.k.a. evil white guy), Eddie Arkadian (Christopher Murney), accompanied by his stereotypically dim-witted moll, Angela (Faith Prince). In another part of the apartment, Eddie’s brawny – but also dim-witted – henchman (Mike Starr) feeds a leg of lamb to an algae-infested fishtank. It seems that said henchman, in a better life, could have been somebody . . . he could have been a contender. Now he’s just a bum . . . and a regretful, imbecilic boxer. Brando would be proud. The trio watches television together, wherein ‘80s-era HOT CHICK and former Prince protégé Vanity introduces a de Barge video. OK, who wants to bet that he’s signed with Motown Records? Anyone want to take that action? Didn’t think so. Speaking of musical connections, it seems that – in one of those bizarre entrepreneurial quirks – that Eddie not only is the self-proclaimed “video game king,” he’s also budding-warbler Angela’s manager.

Behind the scenes of Vanity’s video program, a bleached-blonde William H. Macy pesters our plucky heroine. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, THAT William H. Macy. You know, it’s amazing what a struggling actor will do for a paycheck. More on that later. Anyway, it seems that young Mr. Macy is being intimidated by Eddie into making Vanity play Angela’s video. Whew. That’s one HELL of a sentence. I hope you got all that, because I’m not explaining further. After the little IMPORTANT PLOT POINTS session, Vanity drops out of the ceiling into the studio to seductively lip synch a musical number. Ashlee Simpson would be proud. While Vanity “performs” her big tune, Eddie calls up William H. Macy and is not pleased by the news our friendly now-famous actor has to give. Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for William H. Macy! Oh, meanwhile, in the audience, three young scamps (one of which looks like a young, husky Ozzy Osbourne) talk indiscreetly about Vanity. Methinks there may be a gang rape in their future.

After the show, Leroy runs into Vanity on the street and falls in love instantaneously. Hmm . . . that’s an odd word. “Instantaneously.” How is that different than “instantly”? I guess it just has more letters and therefore it sounds more intellectual. Anyway, linguistic digressions aside, moments after Leroy and Vanity’s brief meeting, one of Eddie’s thugs – who just happens to be Chazz Palminteri – poses as a chauffeur and drives Vanity to meet with a few of his thug friends. Their plan: to show Vanity the error of her ways in refusing Eddie’s little offer. And maybe earn Chazz a little money with which to stay in Hollywood just a few weeks more. It’s all for naught, however, as Leroy shows up out of the blue to rescue Vanity from Eddie’s thugs. Unfortunately for Chazz, he finds himself on the receiving end of a brutal beating by our wannabe kung-fu master. Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for Chazz Palminteri! The thugs flee and Leroy helps Vanity clean up the contents of her purse from off of the pavement. With everything calm and settled, Leroy calls Vanity a cab and then mysteriously disappears.

Back at Eddie’s apartment, Angela, the squeaky girl, whines; Eddie, endearing himself to the audience, tells her to shut her trap. Go, Eddie, go! Elsewhere, we discover, as well as Leroy, that he has lost Bruce Lee’s pimp medallion! The elderly guy from earlier is going to be SO miffed. Over at Eddie’s, the humbled hoodlums give their less-than-stellar report; Eddie then tells the regretful boxer to pick up where they left off. And do what . . . fail miserably?

The next day – or weeks later, Leroy teaches a class in some nondescript dojo. Midway through Leroy’s stereotypically pacificistic lesson, who should ironically appear but Sho’nuff, (self-proclaimed) Shogun of Harlem! Sho’nuff, surprisingly, is looking for a lesson himself, but he wants some private instruction with Leroy. Umm . . . eew. Really. Sho’nuff, playful due to Leroy’s constant unwillingness to fight, unleashes his ho’s on his rival. They step to our hero, but he’s – unsurprisingly – unfazed. More on that later. Just because he doesn’t want to see his erstwhile sensei shamed, some sassy Asian guy (Glen Eaton) comes forward to challenge Sho’nuff and his goons. Unfortunately, he’s writing checks his ass can’t cash, so Sho’nuff’s thugs catch him and use his suffering to coerce Leroy into facing Sho’nuff. And what does Sho’nuff want now that he has our reluctant hero’s attention? If you said “to kiss his Converse,” you’re right! If you said “Gee, Martha, it’s swelling up really big!” . . . you need to see a doctor. Immediately. And don’t point that thing at me, either. Ick. Leroy, not wanting the insurance and litigious mess that would occur if Sho’nuff’s goon killed or maimed the sassy Asian guy, bows before his nemesis . . . and gets kicked in the chops for his troubles. Well now, that’s not very sporting, Mr. Nuff. Not sporting at all.

The next morning, Leroy does tai chi on the roof of his family’s apartment building; his brother, Ritchie (Leo O’Brien) – who also happens to be one of the sexually charged scamps from earlier – calls him down to join the rest of the family. Once in the apartment, he greets his family in a stereotypically Asian way . . . and then he gives Keisha Knight Pulliam – yes, Rudy Huxtable – some chopsticks to play with. OK then. Through the awesome power of exposition, we learn that Leroy isn’t the only strange fruit in the family; his father, “Daddy” Green (Jim Moody), owns a pizza parlor in the middle of Harlem. Hopefully Mookie is nowhere near that place, if they treasure their windows. More on that later. During breakfast, Leroy spies Vanity on television and asks his too-hip brother to take him to her. Along the way, Ritchie makes fun of Leroy’s virginity while making his elder brother carry him on his shoulders . . . and rap. Badly. The Sugar Hill Gang would SO not be proud.

Over at the studio, the regretful boxer, disguised as part of the sound crew, sneaks in through a side door. Simultaneously, Ritchie and Leroy are trying to sneak in as well. While Leroy waits for his brother to infiltrate the studio, he serendipitously witnesses the regretful boxer kidnapping Vanity! They get away from the pursuing Leroy, but – through the magic of a helpfully dropped ledger – he discovers that Eddie is involved in the crime. Well now, it’s a good thing that the regretful boxer dropped that notebook that JUST HAPPENED to have Eddie’s full name on it, or else Leroy would be seriously befuddled. Anyway, over at Eddie’s apartment, he forces Vanity to watch one of squeaky Angela’s terrible music videos. Someone really should call the United Nations, though; I’m sure this violates more than a few Geneva Conventions. Vanity, wisely, as any sane person would, refuses to show the video on her show, so – unsurprisingly, befitting his particular idiom – Eddie threatens her with bodily harm. Luckily for Vanity, Angela, the squeaky girl, intervenes on her behalf . . . distracting Eddie enough so that a ninja can bust in and knock out Eddie’s thugs nary a moment later! Eddie, now thug-less, unmasks the mysterious assailant . . . and it’s – dum-dum-DUM – Leroy! And here I bet you thought it’d be Lil’ Ozzy. Silly people. Leroy, now with the upper hand, momentarily dunks Eddie into the deadly algae-filled fishtank and utilizes that opportunity to spirit Vanity out of the apartment. In their wake, a now-damp Eddie swears REVENGE!

Back at Vanity’s apartment, things may begin to get hot and heavy as getting-it-on music starts playing spontaneously in the background. Leroy, unconcerned with pleasures of the flesh, just wants Bruce Lee’s pimp medallion back. Vanity, VERY concerned with pleasures of the flesh, puts the medallion around Leroy’s neck in a very primal sort of courtship ritual. I’d say that in some cultures, they’re probably married. Leroy, much to Vanity’s chagrin, leaves, so she just has to console herself with a pint of Häagen-Dazs and her battery-operated boyfriend.

The next day, Leroy goes to Chinatown, searching for the über-master the elderly guy from earlier in the film told him to look for. Elsewhere in Chinatown, three Chinese guys dance on the street for no particular reason. It seems that they’re the – rather inept-appearing – guards to the supposed “master’s” fortune cookie factory. Leroy entreats them to let him enter, but, like the good guardsmen they are, they simply hassle him and send him on his merry way. Meanwhile, back in Harlem, Sho’nuff pays the Greens’ pizza parlor a little visit, with his goons helpfully in tow. Sho’nuff is looking for Leroy, but we all know that he’s busy being hassled in Chinatown. Unhappy with the current condition of his surroundings, Sho’nuff and his goons bust up the place; Leroy’s mom (Esther Marrow) flings dough at them until her husband wisely restrains her. Sho’nuff dumps some kid in a trashcan and then issues a challenge on his way out of the establishment. Leroy, who must’ve taken an express train back uptown, shows up nary a minute later . . . and finds the store in shambles and Ritchie pissed at him for no particular reason. Well, other than Sho’nuff wrecking the family business and dumping him in a trash can only because his brother is a pacifist.

Or, should I say, WAS a pacifist, as Leroy goes into some SERIOUS training, fueled by the awesome rage of REVENGE! After his workout, Leroy calms a bit and then meditates . . . on the prospect of REVENGE! Luckily for him, before he can enact his REVENGE, Vanity comes by to pay a little visit. It seems that she wants a bodyguard to “guard her body,” and Leroy is worthy of protecting said body. Leroy, humble, proclaims that he’s no master, but Vanity thinks he is. In fact, she did something with the word “master” in it a few nights ago while thinking of Leroy. Well, at least we’re to assume she did; she did seem very frustrated when he walked out on her. After some flirtatious banter, the sassy Asian guy shows up unannounced to kill the mood. Leroy, still with his heart set on REVENGE rather than romance, refuses to help Vanity, so she just sulks off in a huff.

In one of Eddie’s arcades, our conniving villain is holding henchman auditions; from there, he seemingly warps back to his apartment, where one of his squeaky girlfriend’s video shoots is going on. Eddie breaks up the show and then gives the backup dancers some quarters . . . because he owns arcades! Get it? Good. Perhaps showing that she has a conscience under all her makeup and big hair, Angela reveals that she’s growing weary of the futility of her failing pop career. Eddie, meanwhile, stubbornly promises to make Angela successful . . . and that’s why he’s hiring henchmen. I guess they’re going to be her new backup dancers. Interesting, to say the least. Actually, Angela, finally catching on to Eddie’s true EVIL nature, puts her now-former boyfriend in his place and walks out of his apartment with self-respect for the first time in her life. Dr. Phil would be proud, if he weren’t a quack.

At Sho’nuff’s dojo, he beats up some guy and then Eddie, perhaps through the power of his magically appearing toupee, forms an alliance with the (self-proclaimed) Shogun of Harlem. Out on the streets, Leroy runs into Vanity; he apologizes for his former inaction and then goes on talking about his “mission” and “the glow.” Instead of fleeing for the hills due to this madman’s seeming rantings, Vanity is oddly receptive. I guess you get open-minded when you hang out around Prince long enough. Leroy, using the oldest (non-working) trick in the book, asks Vanity for a bit of love advice . . . because he’s – you know – a virgin. It seems, through his clumsy elucidation, that he wants to make love to a paintbrush . . . or something like that. Meanwhile, outside where Leroy and Vanity are, Ritchie, Lil’ Ozzy, and some guy walk down the street together. Just as Leroy was earlier, they’re waiting for Vanity . . . mainly because Ritchie is stalking her.

Inside the studio to Vanity’s show, she puts on some R&B and accompanies it with a remix of Fists of Fury to impress Leroy. He’s giddy like a little schoolgirl at the entire scene, so she laughs at him or with him or something like that. Meanwhile, the three scamps break into the studio. While Leroy is distracted by the film, Vanity wants a little attention to herself; wisely, she takes matters into her own hands – or we are to assume she does, as we can’t see what’s going on below their waists. Vanity and Leroy make out, but the scamps witness this and Ritchie becomes enraged with jealousy. Then, halfway through the snog session, Leroy is inspired by a scene in The Chinese Connection and then exits, stage right. I guess Vanity’s going to have to stop at the store for some Rum Raisin once again. After Leroy leaves, Ritchie, from the rafters and infuriated, lectures Vanity . . . until Eddie arrives on the scene and cackles menacingly.

Back down in Chinatown, Leroy dresses like a pimp to deliver a pizza to the three Chinese dudes and their “master.” Once inside the factory, the three Asian stooges make Leroy shoot craps with them. Elsewhere, at Leroy’s dojo, Angela, the squeaky girl, is in search of our hero. Instead of Leroy, she finds the sassy Asian guy and tells him to tell Leroy to stay away from Vanity’s studio and that Eddie’s gone insane . . . even though I’m sure that the sassy Asian guy has NO IDEA who the hell Eddie is. Over at the aforementioned studio, Eddie starts playing music videos while Vanity and Ritchie are conveniently tied up. In Chinatown, inside the factory, Leroy teaches the jive-talking Chinese guys the proper way to shoot craps and then he busts out the Bruce Lee pimp medallion. The Chinese guys take it and graciously escort Leroy out the front door, but he just busts it down a moment later and orders them to bring him to the master. Well, that’s not very nice. Oh wait . . . that line was SOOO last week. It turns out, after all that skullduggery, that the vaunted master was nothing more than a computer churning out half-witted pseudo-Confuciusisms onto little slips of paper. Ooh . . . SNAP!

Somewhere in the city, Leroy, now motivated by the fires of being put on, visits the old guy from the beginning of the film for a little clarification. The old guy, in that playful – yet annoying – way that most elderly sensei do, gives Leroy a symbolically empty fortune cookie, confesses that the pimp medallion was really a belt buckle, and then jets off to Miami to visit his mother. Leroy retreats to his dojo, where he prepares for the final battle against the combined forces of Eddie and Sho’nuff. The sassy Asian guy, since he is Asian AND sassy, volunteers to help, but Leroy just locks him in a closet for his own good.

Over at the studio, Leroy sneaks around a totally unguarded stairwell and onto the main stage . . . where Eddie appears on the video screens and then shows our hero an experimental film. Umm . . . OK. I guess that’s actually the video introducing Eddie’s new stable of henchmen . . . who Leroy bests with little trouble. Well, until a giant biker starts body slamming him repeatedly. Luckily for our hero, the sassy Asian guy – who was released from the closet of doom by some helpful kung-fu tyke – leads Leroy’s horde into the fray! Alright! It’s time for highly choreographed action! The overwhelming forces of the good guys rightly clobber Eddie’s henchmen and Sho’nuff’s goons. Eddie, seeing that his numerical advantage is slipping away, retreats from his perch above the action with Vanity and the regretful boxer by his side. Down on the floor, some old fat guy gets beat up while Ritchie, up in the sound booth, dances out of his bindings.

Away from the main battle, Eddie and the regretful boxer take Vanity to a conveniently adjacent warehouse. Leroy, perhaps utilizing his heightened REVENGE sense, follows, egged on by Eddie’s cheesy, non-threatening taunts. Eddie then fires a few gunshots at Leroy, but he dodges all of them easily. Meanwhile, Ritchie beats up the regretful boxer, but one of Sho’nuff’s goons knocks out Leroy’s little brother. Leroy takes care of the ill-fated goon, and then locks his concussed brother in a cage . . . for his own good. Hmm . . . methinks the police might want to check Leroy’s basement after this is all said and done. He certainly does appear to enjoy holding people captive . . . even if it is “for their own good.”

With Ritchie safely imprisoned and Eddie and Vanity watching from the wings, Sho’nuff and Leroy finally face off! Sho’nuff, since he is the (self-proclaimed) Shogun of Harlem, smacks Leroy around, but Leroy recovers enough to valiantly fight back. Until, of course, Sho’nuff kicks Leroy through a wall. Oops. Leroy, playing possum, responds by kicking Sho’nuff through a door. On the other side, however, Sho’nuff is nowhere to be found! Hmm . . . that can’t be good. And it isn’t, as Sho’nuff reappears . . . with GLOWING FISTS! He pummels Leroy with his incandescent phalanges, which spark whenever a blow is landed. Sho then beats Leroy down to a conveniently placed water tank, where he begins dunking our hero while asking him just who is “the master.” After a few dips in the cool liquid, Leroy has flashbacks and then HE starts glowing and says that HE IS THE MASTER! Ooh . . . SNAP times two! Leroy, now empowered by the oft-mentioned “glow,” lays a whuppin’ on Sho’nuff and makes his rival his bitch. Sho’nuff finally ends up in the tank, unconscious, with Ritchie – who escaped from the cage, Eddie, and Vanity looking on.

Of course, since there is one villain left to handle, Leroy doesn’t have time to celebrate, as Eddie pops out with a gun and gloats about something or other. Then he shoots Leroy . . . and that’s it. Oh well. I guess that’s it for our hero, as Eddie walks over to kick the corpse . . . and discovers that Leroy caught the bullet with his teeth! Martin Horowitz, DDS, would be proud! Leroy hangs Eddie from a hook and then, while some television executives and cops bust in, disappears from the scene. Moments later, with nary a moment to regain her composure after being kidnapped and held hostage at gunpoint, Vanity starts her show. Such is the life in showbusiness, I suppose. There’s no business like it. Leroy, clad all in white – which must mean he’s in mourning for something, shows up at the dance floor and everyone ends up laughing at him. Except for Ritchie, who now respects his virginal, wannabe-Asian brother. Love blooms between Leroy and Vanity and there is much rejoicing as we fade to the closing credits.

Looking over the whole of the film, perhaps it’s a good thing that Leroy’s family owned a pizza parlor, as there surely is enough cheese in this film to spare. Of course, that’s part and parcel for the kind of film it is, a seeming marriage of a kung-fu flick and a blaxploitation flick . . . with a mediocre soundtrack. Like so many movies before it – Big Trouble in Little China comes to mind, Berry Gordy’s The Last Dragon is an entertaining and disposable little movie. It’s the kind of thing you pop in when you’re hanging out with some friends and need a little diversion; it might not be world changing or earth shattering, but it’s definitely a Misunderstood Masterpiece . . . just like I said way back in the second paragraph.

Join me next week as we do another ‘80s movie – last one for a while, I promise – and begin a gender-bending double feature in the process. You won’t want to miss the big reveal!