The Gratuitous B-Movie Column 02.09.09: Issue #46

Posted by Bryan Kristopowitz on 02.09.2009

"The Marksman" (2005) and "Vampires: The Turning" (2005)

The Gratuitous B-Movie Column Issue #46: "The Marksman" (2005) and "Vampires: The Turning" (2005)

Hello, everyone, and welcome once again to the internets movie review column that can't bend spoons with its mind, The Gratuitous B-Movie Column, and I am your host Bryan Kristopowitz. In this issue, issue number forty six, I take a look at the 2005 Wesley Snipes direct-to-DVD action flick "The Marksman," and then I take a look at the alleged second sequel to "John Carpenter's Vampires," "Vampires: The Turning," which came out in 2005 direct-to-DVD.

The Marksman


"The Marksman," directed by Marcus Adams, just isn't very good at all. Starring the great Wesley Snipes, this 2005 direct-to-DVD effort produced by the Andrew Stevens is just too complicated for its own good. Instead of being a simple, straight forward action movie featuring Wesley Snipes taking on a band of former Russian military thugs as they take over a nuclear power plant and theatren the world with nuclear weapons, the flick has too many plot threads involving a Russian government conpsiracy, a bunch of US Special Forces guys that are a secret strike team sent to take on the Russian bad guys, some kind of bullstuff involving Snipes' background and his relationship with a government character named Amanda (played by the great Emma Samms), and a big double cross involving illicit arms shipments, the North Koreans, and a nuclear power plant that has weaponized plutonium in it. Or something. After about forty minutes I was so confused (not to mention bored) that I actually thought about turning the movie off. But since I'm a fan of Wesley Snipes, I figured that the rest of the movie couldn't possibly be that bad and, eventually, it would all make some kind of sense.

I should have listened to myself earlier. The rest of the movie really is that bad and it never once makes any sense.

Essentially, Snipes character, named Painter, is some kind of loner Special Forces guy with a very specific specialty: he goes into an area and "paints" an area with a laser that bombers hone in on when they have a mission. Painter holds a deep amount of guilt over a botched mission where he painted the wrong target and killed a bunch of innocent people. He has to try to overcome that guilt when he's brought in to take on an evil Russian military general that hates Russia, Egor Zaysan (played by Dan Badaru). Zaysan, who comes into town with a bevy of heavily armed thugs and tanks, shows up in Chechnya to take over a nuclear power plant that has weaponized nuclear material. From them on the movie jumps around, from Chechnya to a NATO command center in Europe to a ship in the Mediterranean to a military base where the Emma Samms character is constantly on the phone with a guy in Russia for some reason. Again, as I said in the first paragraph, this flick is just filled with overly complicated plot hooha that's just completely unnecessary. I have no idea why anything is important beyond the whole "loose nuclear weapons" thing, and even then, there's another layer of plot crapola that takes the scary out of the story.

Snipes tries very hard to make the story interesting, but even his considerable charisma can't fix what's broken here. Snipes' Painter character isn't as proactive as he should be. When you take the Special Forces team into account, Snipes is really just part of a large action movie ensemble, which would have been fine if the Special Forces team had been full of known actors (I don't think any member of the team dies, so right there the movie loses the whole "upping the ante" thing). Instead, the team is full of unknown people. There's also a team of nuclear scientists held hostage that are just wasted (and I mean that both in the sense that the scientist characters are poorly used and they're wiped out by the bad guys). Why couldn't the movie have been about Snipes going to rescue the scientists, maybe teaming up with local mercenary types, and then moving on from there? Emma Samms could have been one of the scientists Snipes needed to rescue.

But then if the movie featured that story, then there couldn't be all that stuff about Russian military politics. And can someone please explain to me why the main bad guy, Egor, looks like a bad ass (any Russian bad guy with long hair and beard stubble is automatically a bad ass), but only engages in one truly horrendous action, when he orders the killing of a bunch of captured Russian soldiers? Egor should be killing people left and right (Egor also should have killed that little blonde girl, just to make him that goddamn heinous. Why just leave her on the side of the road looking pathetic? Run her over with the tank!). It's really disturbing how not very bad ass this bad ass villain is. Snipes doesn't even get to kick this guy's ass. Why even bother having Snipes in this movie if he isn't going to beat the shit out of the villain?

On the plus side, the movie does have a neat little opening sequence where we see Snipes running around in the dark. There's a cool little scene where a guy in Chechnya is chased by a tank (that tank sure does make a mess of a brick wall and a dilapidated building). The appearance of Stevens as a ship captain is funny because he really doesn't look like Andrew Stevens but you can still tell it's him. And, to a certain extent, the movie features a dreary atmosphere that, had it been exploited by a better director, could have made the movie scary. And the few actual action scenes we get are okay (although the lack of Snipes engaging in much hand-to-hand combat is a big downer).

"The Marksman" could have been so much better. It should have been much better. Wesley Snipes deserves so much better. And so do we, the audience. Avoid this movie at all costs. If you see it on USA or Sleuth, don't flip it there. And if you see it on the video store shelves somewhere, just walk past it. It's not worth your time.

Although, if you're a Wesley Snipes completist, I guess you're going to see it anyway, regardless of whether or not it's any good. I feel sad for you people. Because "The Marksman" just plain sucks.

Avoid, avoid, avoid.

So what do we have here? Gratuitous pseudo patriotic American military music, a nifty little sequence where Wesley Snipes runs around in the dark for some reason, knife through a canvas tent, gratuitous guy running away from a tank, tank through a brick wall and a building, gratuitous little blond girl, gratuitous big ass military meeting at the Pentagon, gratuitous complicated stolen nuclear weapons plot involving the Russians and the North Koreans, gratuitous Wesley Snipes hanging out in a German bar watching hot topless women dance, gratuitous stock footage of an aircraft carrier, gratuitous Emma Samms, gratuitous flashbacks, gratuitous soldiers parachuting into Chechnya, bullet to the face, a smashed jeep windshield, a jeep that drives head on into a tree, more stock footage of an aircraft carrier, a room chock full of dead bodies, gratuitous bondage, a set up, exploding helicopter, machine gun to the body, exploding building, exploding truck with wild flip, gratuitous explosive bondage, a roadblock, a sign that has "analysis" misspelled, gratuitous aerial dogfight, gratuitous guys drinking vodka, strangulation, throat cutting, gratuitous multiple C-4 bricks, dropping a dead body down a hole, exploding jeep with guy on fire, pulling a dead body off a ladder, three dead pigs, exploding nuclear reactor that may not, in fact, be a nuclear reactor, a dead Russian general, and a bunch of freeze frame actor introductions that aren't half as interesting as the music accompanying it would suggest they are.

Best lines: "Was that him?," "This would appear to be a Russian problem," "We are not in the business of doing Russia's dirty work," "What we need is a painter!," "What's my primary target?," "Yeah, dude, what's your name?," "There's nothing here but a stinking woman!," "Leave the dead," "We got a problem," "Grenade!," "Jesus Christ! That crazy bitch could have killed me," "God speed, army," "Have you noticed anything strange about this op?," "Take out the jeep!," "That sonofabitch did it!," and "You look like shit, too."

Rating: 2.9/10.0

Vampires: The Turning


And then there's "Vampires: The Turning," an alleged sequel to the classic 1998 John Carpenter action horror western "Vampires." That flick earned just enough money to get a direct-to-video sequel, "John Carpenter's Vampires: Los Muertos," directed by Carpenter friend Tommy Lee Wallace and starring Jon Bon Jovi. Unlike the awesome James Woods starring first movie, "Los Muertos" is a slow, boring movie that's more interesting as an idea than as a movie. The first sequel mentions the first flick several times (James Woods' Jack Crow character is supposedly dead, which, to me, is just bullshit. How the hell is anyone going to kill Jack fucking Crow?) and features vampires looking for a black cross that will allow them to walk in the sunlight. "Vampires: The Turning," basically jetisons the black cross stuff and really any mention of the Vatican and its slayer teams and instead features a bunch of stuff about ancient Thai vampires battling one another for 800 years for some reason.

The flick stars Colin Egglesfield as Connor, an American on vacation in Thailand with his girlfriend Amanda (Meredith Monroe). After watching a brutal Thai kickboxing event, Connor and Amanda have a big fight and Amanda walks off in a huff. Since she's not a native to the area, Amanda gets lost and has to ask for help. She asks the charismatic Niran (Dom Hetrakul) how to find her hotel. Instead of actually helping her, he puts her in a trance, bites her (he is a vampire), and then a bunch of guys on dirt bikes come and take her away. While looking for Amanda, Connor sees her on one of the dirt bikes and gives chase. He isn't successful as he gets his ass kicked by one of the dirt bike guys. But before that dirt bike guy sinks his teeth into Connor, Connor is rescued by Kiko (Roger Yuan), a vampire warrior that has sworn off drinking human blood (that's actually what the whole vampire feud is about. Human blood drinkers versus non-human blood drinkers). Kiko tells Connor to leave, that there's nothing he can do for his girlfriend, and it's best if he just forgets the whole thing ever happened. Connor, being the head strong American deeply in love, sure as hell ain't going to heed that advice and so goes off on his own quest to find her. After being blown off by the local cops (the cops are hopelessly corrupt, scared of the vampires, or both), Connor goes into the deep, dark, scary alleyways of Bangkok or wherever the hell the movie takes place (I know it's somewhere in Thailand. I just don't know where exactly in Thailand), determined to find a lead. He runs into a bunch of weird beard Buddhist vampire types and a sleazy British guy named Raines (the great Patrick Bauchau), who is a human in the business of killing vampires (he gets money from someone for every vampire head he collects). Raines doesn't offer much in the way of help, either, but he does give Connor an idea. If Connor can somehow convince one of the "good guy" vampires, like the uber hot Sang (Stephanie Chao), to bite him and make him a vampire, he can go head to head with Kiko. Then he can rescue Amanda and everything will be hunky goddamn dory.

I actually kind of liked this movie. It's certainly not as bad as it could have been, but it moves along at a nice, crisp pace, doesn't waste much time getting bogged down in the whole Thailand vampire mythology (it uses up about two minutes at the beginning explaining the movie's backstory), and has a few good performances. The various action and kung fu scenes are pretty decent, too. I will say, though, that this movie has no business trying to be a sequel to Carpenter's orignal. There is no direct link to the first flick, though, besides a demonstration by one of Raines' slayer henchmen of the arrow/truck winch method of dragging vampires out into the sun that was such a prominent part of the first movie ("How about a little head, padre?"), but even a small, tangential link to the first flick is just uncalled for. I don't even consider "Los Muertos" a real sequel to the first movie, even with Carpenter's name in the title. A real sequel will have to involve Crow looking for Daniel Baldwin's Montoya in Mexico. Everything else, as John Carpenter said about screenwriting compared to directing, "is just bullshit."

The performances in "The Turning" aren't half bad. Egglesfield is pretty decent as the lead character Connor. He can emote and he can fight, which is pretty much all the role requires. Stephanie Chao is excellent as Sang, the hot vampire woman that figures into the whole vampire clan war somehow. Dom Hetrakul is pretty dang cool as the bad ass vampire warrior Niran. The man sure can swing a sword and decapitate a guy. And Roger Yuan is perfect as the villainous Kiko, mostly because the man can shoot out an arrogant douchebag sneer without thinking about it. He makes Kiko just a total scumbag you want to see die in a horrible fashion. And Meredith Monroe, as Connor's girlfriend Amanda, is pretty decent in that "woman-in-peril" kind of way. She doesn't get to do much besides get captured. Although, there is a question concerning what exactly happens to her character at the end. What is that last close up of her face supposed to signify?

And then there's Patrick Bachau as Raines, the human vampire slayer for hire. I would have liked to see more of his character actually hiring locals to fight and capture and kill vampires, because that's actually kind of interesting. I'd like to know why exactly he's so dang shady (is it because he's British, or at least sounds British?). I'd also like to get a glimpse of the international vampire slaying industry which apparently isn't under the sole control of the Vatican. Maybe that's the direction another sequel should go in. I'd actually like to see John Carpenter direct a movie like that. I'm sure he could make it awesome.

All in all, "Vampires: The Turning" isn't a total waste of time, which is what it sounded like when I first heard about it. Now that I've seen it, I can say that, again, while it has no business associating with the John Carpenter flick from 1998, it's not a bad action horror movie in and of itself. Although I do want to say that, and this is just for future reference, guys on dirt bikes are never scary or tough looking. Guys on Harleys or bikes that look like Harleys, okay. Harley equals bad ass. Dirt bikes, though, equal wimpy bullshit. Just an FYI.

Check out "Vampires: The Turning" if you get the chance. It's worth a look.

So what do we have here? Gratuitous opening narration about Thai vampires, gratuitous American tourists in Thailand watching kickboxing, gratuitous guys on dirt bikes, gratuitous Thailand hooker bar, a barbershop, gratuitous blood spurting out of a guy's mouth in slow motion, gratuitous neck biting, gratuitous more guys on dirt bikes, kidnapping, gratuitous slow motion drive by cocky smile, gratuitous flying kung fu hooey, wood stick through the wrist, gratuitous decapitation, a bald bad ass vampire warrior, gratuitous slow motion street fair, corrupt and scared cops, gratuitouys religious temple, gratuitous British vampire slayer, pouring water on people in slow motion, a barking dog, dead pigs in a cage, gratuitous flashback to old Thai vampires, a room chock full of rotting skeletons and people who are slowly turning into vampires, more guys on dirt bikes, a Thai road crew, gratuitous dirt bike chase through a street fair, fruit table to the body, riding up rickety stairs, exploding vampire in the sun, a glass cup crystal ball thing, gratuitous arrow/truck winch vampire killing demonstration, a dead pig platter, gratuitous vampire dance club with plenty of feeding, potential sex, a weird mind flashback, gratuitous eclipse of the sun, a final vampire battle, a lead pipe vs. sword fight, lead pipe through the chest, a double cross, and a bizarre ending.

Best lines: "How can this appeal to you, it's just brutal fighting?," "You look lost," "Please don't hurt me," "If you follow me, I'll kill you," "And who the fuck are you?," "You make big mistake fahaha," "Time to go!," "Stop fighting it and the pain will go away," "If you become one of us, you'll be condemning your soul for eternity," "It's time to do some killing," "It's already started," "So Sang has tasted the real thing, has she?," and "Don't waste any sympathy, kid. They killed your girlfriend."

Rating: 7.0/10.0

***

Well, I guess that'll be about it for this issue. B-movies rule. Always remember that. And if there's anything you want to see reviewed here in this column, feel free to offer a comment below or send me an e-mail. I'm always on the lookout for new stuff to watch. I'm hoping that I've got a handle on things now and a regular, two-movies-an-issue schedule can become the norm again. That's the hope anyway.

"The Marksman"

Wesley Snipes- Painter
Emma Samms- Amanda Jacks
William Hope- Johnathan Tensor
Anthony Warren- Captain Naish
Dan Badaru- General Egor Zaysan
Andew Stevens- Captain Jack Stevens
Directed by Marcus Adams
Screenplay by J.S. Cardone and Andy Hurst, based on a story by Travis Spangler, Tyler Spangler, and J.S. Cardone
Distributed by Sony Pictures Home Entertainment
Rated R for violence, language and brief nudity
Runtime- 95 minutes
Buy it here




"Vampires: The Turning"

Colin Egglesfield- Connor
Stephanie Chao- Sang
Roger Yuan- Kiko
Patrick Bachau- Raines
Dom Hetrakul- Niran
Meredith Monroe- Amanda
Directed by Marty Weiss
Screenplay by D.B. Farmer and Andy Hurst
Distributed by Sony Pictures Home Entertainment
Rated R for violence and brief sexuality
Runtime- 84 minutes
Buy it here