Misunderstood Masterpieces: Underworld
Posted by Will Helm on 12.21.2004
…or, So Much Promise Gone to Waste
It’s been a while since I’ve had an induction into the Misunderstood Masterpieces Hall of Fame; in the interim, I’ve noticed that there’s been one glaring discrepancy among the members. Even though the Hall is made up of great luminaries Paul Verhoeven, Joe Eszterhas, Tim Curry, Dan Aykroyd, Kevin Costner, and “Savage” Steve Holland, there’s one problem: not one woman. Well, my dear friends and readers – and dear friends who happen to be readers, that issue is about to be rectified . . . sort of.
You see, the woman I have in mind is still fairly young, a cinematic neophyte, if you will. Even though she started her career with some fairly meaty and quality roles, since she’s slowly but surely degraded herself in worse and worse films. Of course, since there is still a possibility of redemption, I believe that it is time for a probationary induction to the Misunderstood Masterpieces Hall of Fame, with full induction contingent on said individual’s future body of work. With that said, I give to you our latest (sort-of) induction: Kate Beckinsale!
Born July 26, 1973, in jolly old England, Kate Beckinsale grew into a life of private (what they call “public” across the pond) schools, writing contests, eating disorders, and chain smoking. Perhaps not in that order. Later in her adolescence, Kate starred in a bevy of television projects concurrently with attending Oxford University. In 1993, Kate had her first big break as Hero in Kenneth Branagh’s Shakespearean adaptation Much Ado About Nothing. Starring alongside such thespians as Branagh, Emma Thompson, Denzel Washington, and Keanu “Whoa, I know Shakespeare” Reeves, Kate thrived in her major debut. Good things, most assuredly laid ahead . . . if by “ahead” we mean “five years later.” Of course, there were a few notable performances in the intervening half-decade, like the television film (which was oddly released as a feature in the US) Cold Comfort Farm and the wonderfully bizarre television adaptation of Lewis Carroll’s Through the Looking-Glass cleverly titled Alice Through the Looking Glass. In 1998, as I mentioned before, Kate had another breakthrough, this time in the artsy tale of the end of the disco era The Last Days of Disco.
Now finally gaining recognition on the American scene, Kate would star alongside Claire Danes in the gritty women-in-Thai-prison flick Brokedown Palace in 1999. The next year found Kate in a film that is either about a tuba player or a very expensive toilet: The Golden Bowl. In 2001, Kate would star in two of her biggest Hollywood successes to that point: the war film/soap opera (I’m still not sure which it is) Pearl Harbor and a film which may or may not feature John Cusack in the rain, Serendipity. 2002 yielded another artsy selection, this time the tale of a man, his fiancée, and her possibly bisexual adventures with his mother in Laurel Canyon. Once 2003 rolled around, Kate’s career was finally in full swing and things were looking up . . . while the quality of her roles and films as a whole was looking down. For example, our subject for this very column, a film once supposedly pitched as “Romeo and Juliet for werewolves and vampires”: Underworld. Is this flick a minor aberration or the start of a disturbing trend? Let’s find out!
Somewhere on Earth, there is a city. In this city, it rains nearly constantly. The rain pours upon the scores of Gothic stone buildings. And then, there is a voice-over that explains . . . NOTHING, save for a bunch of vague nonsense. It seems that, according to the aforementioned voice-over, an underground army of vampires is near victory. Their foes: the lichens, a symbiotic relationship of fungus and alga, in which the vampires find themselves embroiled in a blood feud. For some reason, that doesn’t seem right . . . but I’ll go with it for the time being. Anyway, on some Gothic spire somewhere in this nameless city, some random guy takes pictures of people down on the street; after a few moments, his HOT CHICK accomplice (Beckinsale) nods for him to jump down to the avenue below and he does. In his wake, the HOT CHICK then follows suit while techno music starts playing in the background, which can only mean one thing: action! And action we have as people wander about in the rain and stand waiting for a subway. Ooh! The excitement that is mass transit! In addition to the excitement, there’s also TENSION as the HOT CHICK and some dude (Scott Speedman) spy each other in the subway station.
Moments later, some big guy (Kevin Grevioux) pushes people out of the way. I guess he’s late for his train, then. Or not, as a convoluted shootout breaks out between the big guy, his rodent-like accomplice, the HOT CHICK, and her associate! Correct me if I’m wrong, but those are some BIG lichens. In the chaos, the big guy kills the vampire guy while the HOT CHICK attempts to kill the big guy and his little buddy. One problem, though: vampires cannot shoot straight to save their . . . umm . . . lives? Anyway, somewhere else in the subway system, the big guy and some other vampire guy fight and, midway through the melee, the big guy transforms into a werewolf! Oh . . . I get it! The magical voice-over didn’t mean lichens, but “lycans” . . . short for “lycanthropes.” Oh, aren’t you clever, movie? Back in the subway station, the HOT CHICK finds a random silver bullet lying on the ground and then nearly gets hit by a train; after an interminable matter of moments, she tracks down the other “lycan” and solves the aiming dilemma by shooting him at point-blank range. After dispatching her one foe, she then throws some blades at another werewolf and gets out of Dodge.
Elsewhere in the underground, which may or may not be the titular “underworld,” there’s a werewolf cockfight going on. The duel goes along swimmingly until some angry guy (Michael Sheen) shows up and tells the two “lycans” to quit it. Ah . . . I guess he’s the leader. Meanwhile, the HOT CHICK drives to a finely appointed mansion outside of the rainy city. Once there, she discovers that there’s a serious problem on the vampires’ hands: according to the vampire equivalent of James Bond’s “Q” (Robbie Gee), the werewolves have ultraviolet bullets! Dum-dum-DUM! In the aftermath of this shocking revelation (get used to them, folks . . . more on that later), the HOT CHICK and Kraven (Shane Brolly), the vampire leader guy, argue. Oh . . . get used to that too, folks. It seems that the HOT CHICK has a gut instinct that there’s trouble, right there in rainy city, with a capital “T” and that rhymes with “V” and that stands for “vampires,” which really isn’t the source of the trouble after all. The HOT CHICK, after the minor squabble, looks into a mirror – umm . . . vampire lore, anyone? – and then peers out over some room which apparently contains the tomb of some great vampire leader or other. And then she has to get ready for a party! Yay . . . a party!
Down in the subway once again, the big guy picks up the dead werewolf. Too bad he doesn’t pour any libations for his deceased homie. Over at the mansion, the HOT CHICK studies some pictures online while a goofy blonde vampire chick (Sophia Myles) compares dresses for the party later that night. In the photos, the HOT CHICK notices the dude from earlier who the werewolves, apparently, were following all along. The HOT CHICK informs Kraven of this fact, but he just scolds her for her insolence . . . with reverb for absolutely no reason. I guess they did some dubbing work in a giant bathroom or something. Perhaps that’s where the “golden bowl” is?
Elsewhere under the rainy city, some creepy guy (Erwin Leder) takes blood from a fat guy hanging on a meat hook . . . or some other hanging apparatus. It seems that the creepy guy, in addition to the big guy and the dead werewolf, is working for the angry werewolf leader; just what he’s doing, we don’t know . . . yet. Meanwhile, it turns out that the dude from the subway is a surgeon at Rainy City General Hospital. Good to know. Back down in the cavernous underground, the big guy brings the dead guy back to the werewolves’ home base. The creepy guy, who must be the resident werewolf doctor, takes the blades out of the big guy; meanwhile, the angry werewolf is . . . angry!
Over at the mansion, the vampires have a family summit; no word on whether or not Kraven knew it was Barzini all along. In a daring breach of undead etiquette, the HOT CHICK skips out on the festivities, miffing Kraven to no end. She ends up at the dude’s apartment; over at the hospital, some “cops” – who we just know can’t be cops at all – are looking for the dude as well. At the apartment, the HOT CHICK looks at some photographs and then THE PHONE RINGS! It’s some guy from the hospital (Wentworth Miller) leaving a message informing the dude that the police were looking for him. Unfortunately, the dude is just outside the door, so he can’t come to the phone right now; when he does enter, the HOT CHICK jumps him . . . though not in the sexual sense. Moments after the HOT CHICK pins the dude against a wall, a horde of werewolves show up, allowing the dude a moment to escape. After the dude flees, the HOT CHICK does the same, although her method is a little different: she – unbelievably – shoots a giant hole in the floor and falls through it to safety! Holy preposterousness, Batman! Meanwhile, in the elevator, the angry werewolf leader finds the dude and bites him; he then spits the dude’s blood into a vial . . . and I sense an IMPORTANT PLOT POINT. The HOT CHICK grabs the dude and they drive away; unfortunately, the angry werewolf leader gives chase, jumps on the roof, and stabs into the interior with a handy wrist-blade. The HOT CHICK shakes off her foe and then attempts to run him over, but he just tumbles over the car and gloats afterward.
Out on the road, the dude tells the wounded HOT CHICK to stop the car lest she pass out from blood loss, but she’s having none of it. Then she passes out due to blood loss. Well isn’t that convenient? The car hurtles into a river and instantaneously sinks to the bottom; luckily, the dude must’ve had some lifeguard courses, as he rescues the HOT CHICK from a certain watery demise. Even though she’s technically already dead. Yeah. Elsewhere, at the werewolves’ base, the angry werewolf leader brings the creepy guy the blood and there is much more gloating. And I bet you thought I’d say “rejoicing” . . . dirty werewolves don’t rejoice. Silly readers. Sometime later, the HOT CHICK wakes up; meanwhile, the dude has a nightmare. Interesting stuff, huh? When he awakens, he discovers that the HOT CHICK dragged his sorry carcass back to the mansion; because of this, Kraven yells at the HOT CHICK, who we discover is named Selene. Also much to Kraven’s chagrin: Selene is hung up on the former vampire leader, a.k.a. the vampire in the tomb from earlier in the picture.
In some random room of the mansion, the goofy blonde vampire chick hangs out with the dude and then vamps out because she discovers that he’s been bitten by a werewolf. The dude, rightfully freaked out, jumps out a window; meanwhile, Kraven smacks Selene for no reason in particular. In order to vent her frustrations, Selene later goes to the shooting range and takes out her aggressions on a defenseless bust. After Selene busts a few caps in the alabaster ass, the vampire “Q” comes in and gives Selene his new creation: liquid silver bullets. Instead of thanking him for his little invention, Selene goes off on a rant about mythology or something or other. Whatever, vampire lady.
Sometime later, Kraven, the stylish vampire leader, meets with the angry werewolf leader. Through their little tête-à-tête, we learn that the angry werewolf leader, Lucien, is supposed to be dead! Kraven and Lucien are in league! Treason most high! I sense a conspiracy afoot . . . or at least a cheesy plot twist. Like I said before: get used to them, folks. Over in the mansion, Selene kicks down a door and then starts reading books. According to the book, Kraven, surprisingly, was the one who slew Lucien all those centuries ago; unfortunately, Selene also discovers that this is untrue, as she recalls that the angry werewolf leader guy wears a pendant identical to one found in a woodcutting of Lucien! Dum-dum-DUM! Just as Selene deciphers just what’s going on, the annoying blonde vampire chick enters just to derail her train of thought and tell Selene about the dude’s lycanthropic condition.
Speaking of the dude, Michael Corvin, he goes back to the hospital, where his nerdy associate checks out his grisly bite wound, asks questions, but doesn’t pay attention to any of the answers. Meanwhile, Michael makes constipated faces, which some may call “acting.” After a few moments, the “cops” from earlier arrive on the scene to apprehend Michael, but he once again escapes by jumping out another window. Note to anyone else looking for Michael: lock down the windows before you start. That is all. Over in the mansion, Selene ponders asking the dead vampire leader for advice, so she opens his tomb and drips blood into his wrinkly, desiccated mouth. Ah . . . it seems that the raisin-impersonating vampire guy isn’t really dead; he’s just hibernating. Interesting.
For some reason, the dude goes back to the mansion looking for Selene because he’s totally and completely freaked out. Selene, much to Kraven’s chagrin, drives off with him. Meanwhile, the old wrinkly vampire guy, Viktor (Bill Nighy), wakes up and he’s REALLY cranky. In the car, Selene provides some exposition to Michael – it must be a vampire thing . . . Marius would be proud – and reveals that she’s righteously pissed off. At the mansion, wrinkly Viktor scolds Kraven and then tells him to wake up some other vampire guy. You know; those are some terribly lazy vampires. Back in the car, Michael tells Selene about his nightmares but, unfortunately for him and all of us, they go unexplained. I guess we’ll just find out later . . . then again, I’ve already seen the movie, so I know for sure.
Down in the underground, the werewolves gird for battle. Elsewhere, Selene hangs out in a vampire safehouse with Michael. During their little conversation, he questions the origins and morality of the ongoing war. Unpatriotic Commie bastard! After his inquiry, Selene has a flashback and then reveals her origins – which oddly sound ripped right out of an Anne Rice novel. Supposedly, her family was killed by werewolves, but Viktor rescued her and vamped her out. Then, for no reason in particular, Selene and Michael kiss. Yup . . . “Romeo and Juliet for vampires and werewolves,” folks. Selene plans to leave, but Michael doesn’t want her to go; she responds by chaining him to a metal chair and then exiting unobstructed.
At the mansion, the werewolves stake out the place, lead by the creepy guy. Selene, prodigal that she now is, busts in and Kraven gets all huffy with her. She smacks him down and then meets with Viktor, the vampiric raisin, who’s still cranky. So cranky, in fact, that he accuses Selene of vampire treason and has his lackey Kraven lock her up in a fairly nice bedroom. While Michael tries to free himself from his bondage, some vampire chick (Zita Görög) arrives by train on the outskirts of the rainy city. Unfortunately for her, the arrival is unwelcome, as a bunch of werewolves – the same werewolves that were watching the mansion – ambush the train, all according to Kraven’s plan! Murder most foul! Plot twists most horrid!
Once again at the mansion, the annoying blonde vampire chick breaks Selene out of her room! It’s a JAILBREAK! Someone notify AC/DC! The now liberated Selene goes to Michael; meanwhile, the vampires AND the werewolves are following closely behind. Perhaps unluckily, the werewolves arrive first and Selene kills them all – with the help of vampire Q’s handy liquid silver bullets. Michael, in order to escape yet again, does what he’s best at: jumping out a window. Sheesh . . . talk about a one-note character. Sadly, his freedom is short-lived as the “cops” from earlier in the picture return to apprehend their quarry. Back at the mansion (I’m starting to tire of typing that), vampire Q sends some vampire guys to investigate just what happened to the vampire chick on the train. Speaking of the vampire chick, Lucien, back in the picture, steals a bit of her blood in another vial. Elsewhere, in the streets of the rainy city, Michael wolfs out – in the back of the police cruiser – while the dulcet tones of nü-metal blare in the background. Wisely, before he can jump out another window, the “cops” tranquilize Michael and drive off to somewhere.
Over at the mansion, Kraven meets with wrinkly Viktor to discuss just what is going on. Viktor, by the way: still really cranky. Selene, seeking to clear her name, arrives in the room with the creepy guy, who wastes no time in explaining EVERYTHING going on in the picture so far. Anyway, it seems that vampires and werewolves are descended from the same guy, as is Michael, who just happens to be said guy’s pure human descendant. He then reveals yet another SHOCKING PLOT TWIST: Kraven and Lucien are working together to create a vampire-werewolf hybrid and Michael is to be that hybrid! Dum-dum-DUM! As a note of gratitude for selling out Kraven and Lucien, Viktor, now less wrinkly but still cranky, kills the creepy guy; he then tells Selene to kill . . . Michael!
In the werewolves’ abode, Michael – who is strapped to a table – and Lucien have a little gab session. While Lucien provides a bit of exposition, Michael has another, longer flashback. In it, he envisions Medieval Lucien being whipped by Viktor or one of his hench-vampires and then some vampire chick bursts into flames. Flashback Lucien then wolfs out and escapes the scene. Back in the present day, Michael, remarkably, interprets the flashback and Lucien reveals that he wants REVENGE! Why? Well, he illicitly married a vampire . . . that just happened to be cranky Viktor’s daughter! Yes indeed, folks . . . we’ve got plot twists a-plenty! Later, Kraven shows up to talk, but Lucien isn’t happy with the present situation. It seems that Kraven wants power and peace with the werewolves, but he fears Viktor. Hmm . . . could it be because he’s craven? Allegorical names are so much fun! In his wake, Selene and Viktor’s troops show up and Kraven uses the distraction to shoot and kill Lucien? Umm . . . I thought they were working together here. Weird.
Meanwhile, Selene and vampire “Q” raid the werewolves’ home base and find more success because they’re far better shots than they were before. In the bowels of the headquarters, the big guy, making a return appearance, finds Lucien dead and it’s time for some REVENGE! First step: the big guy wolfs out and eats a whip-armed vampire. Yummy! Then, in a mind-numbing turn of events, Lucien comes back from the dead! Hmm . . . I guess the big guy’s REVENGE is all for naught, eh? Selene, meanwhile, shoots a bunch of werewolves but, sadly, vampire “Q” is killed. Kraven, coward that he is, tries to escape, while cranky Viktor waltzes into the midst of the carnage. Selene finds Michael and releases him, allowing him to explain Lucien’s story to our heroic HOT CHICK vampire. In another part of the headquarters, Viktor kills some token werewolves; meanwhile, Selene and Michael find Kraven cowering somewhere in the base. Kraven, in YET ANOTHER PLOT TWIST, kills Michael with a few liquid silver bullets and then makes YET ANOTHER SHOCKING REVELATION: Viktor killed Selene’s family!
After THIS plot twist, the mortally wounded Lucien crawls into the scene and stabs Kraven in the knee. Selene uses that opportunity to vamp out Michael, rescuing him from liquid silver death. Afterward, Viktor strides in and he’s not just cranky anymore . . . he’s pissed! He responds by throwing Michael through a wall; Selene, meanwhile, confused and ticked off, wants answers. Viktor, surprisingly, gets all emotional, since it turned out that Lucien got his daughter pregnant, leading to this whole mess. Oddly enough, real wars have been started over far less. While Selene and Viktor chat, Michael becomes a cheesy looking vampire-werewolf . . . and he’s out for REVENGE! He steps up and goes toe-to-toe with Viktor, who fights him off, allowing the vampire troops to shower Michael with a hail of bullets. Selene, much to her credit, rescues him from the gunfire, because now she’s out for REVENGE! And said REVENGE is swift, as Selene swoops in with a sword and slices Viktor’s head in half. Yup. Quite climactic, eh? In the aftermath, Selene and Michael stand alone together and he goes back to his normal self. Later, Selene gives a touching voice-over epilogue while another wrinkly vampire wakes up just in time for a sequel.
Honestly, Underworld reminds me of another recent Misunderstood Masterpiece, Dracula 2000. There’s some good things there, especially some good action and moody – albeit a bit cliched – settings. The acting is so-so, but the genre doesn’t hinge on master thespians. Unfortunately, much like Dracula 2000, there’s also the damned plot twists. To be honest, I never knew this many SHOCKING PLOT TWISTS were possible in one film! Those very plot twists drag the film down considerably, as it seems as if it complicates itself in spite of itself. Of course, I’m still questioning whether or not the overall quality of the film warrants Kate Beckinsale’s induction in the Misunderstood Masterpieces Hall of Fame . . . perhaps further deliberation is needed.
Anyway, join me next week as I cap off the year and unveil the worst film of 2004 as well as the fate of Kate Beckinsale! See you then!
