Misunderstood Masterpieces: Van Helsing
Posted by Will Helm on 12.28.2004
…or, How to Tarnish a Legacy in a Few Easy Steps
Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, hermaphrodites and transsexuals, this column represents not one but TWO auspicious occasions: a possible Misunderstood Masterpieces Hall of Fame induction and my choice for 2004’s Worst Film of the Year! I know you can’t wait.
Now, just to recap, as of last week I put the lovely young lass Kate Beckinsale on probationary membership to the MMHoF, contingent on her future work. Well, Underworld came out in 2003 . . . Van Helsing came out in 2004 . . . and I think you can see where this is going. But I don’t want to get ahead of myself, since there are more pressing matters afoot. First and foremost: Van Helsing itself. Now, for those of you who may not know, Universal Studios created some of the greatest and most well known films in the genre of classic horror. Frankenstein, The Wolf-Man, and The Mummy (and their sequels) are just a few of the legendary films in the Universal vault. Of course, it makes a lot of fiscal sense to re-introduce these properties to a new audience, so Universal decided to pay tribute to all of their prior characters and films with a new film combining them all! “Makes sense,” you say? Well, yes, it does. Of course, sometimes the best of intentions fall flat. Even though Universal gathered together one of Hollywood’s hottest male stars in Hugh Jackman in the role of the titular legendary vampire hunter, the aforementioned Kate Beckinsale (one guess as to what she plays), and all of their famous properties and handed them to writer/director Stephen Sommers, most well known for box-office hits The Mummy and The Mummy Returns. And, unsurprisingly, the hip, young Sommers craps all over everything. No, really. Think my assessment is a bit harsh? Let me explain further . . .
At the start of our little film, it’s the late 19th Century and, hence, everything is in black and white. Ooh . . . artsy. Just like nearly every classic Universal horror film, a horde of ugly people armed with torches and farming implements march through a forest. If I had a dollar every time that scene came up in one of these movies . . . I’d have a lot of dollars. Of course, as per their particular idiom, the ugly people are en route to an old, cheesy castle. And, unsurprisingly, inside the castle the fairly well known Dr. Frankenstein (Samuel West) does his electrifying experiments in the creation of artificial life. Equally unsurprising, he declares that “it’s alive!” Wow . . . I feel like I’m watching Weird Science. It’s too bad Danny Elfman didn’t score this flick, though; that would’ve been cool. Oingo Boingo 4 ever! After the good doctor proclaims his success, from out of the shadows Dracula (über-ham Richard Roxburgh, late of The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen), dressed as a mid-‘80s Goth rocker, appears. Instead of asking how soon is now, Dracula just demands that the doctor turn over possession of the monster (Shuler Hensley) to everyone’s favorite vampire. During their exchange, just to show that he is otherworldly, Dracula teleports all around the lab. Ooh, nifty.
On the ground floor, the ugly people bust in and raid the castle. Meanwhile, Dracula explains some mysterious sinister plan to the doctor, mainly because the monster is the key to his evil scheme. Dr. Frankenstein refuses to help Dracula enact his plan, but that conniving little freak Igor (Kevin J. O’Connor) double-crosses the doctor and allies himself with Dracula. Sigh . . . it’s so hard to find good hunchbacked help these days. Then, for no reason in particular, Dracula takes a bite out of the doctor, I guess just because he can. Unsurprisingly, since seeing a vampire gnawing on his creator just isn’t cool, the monster springs to life and throws Dracula into a fireplace; the monster then lovingly cradles the lifeless doctor and carries him off to safety . . . to the ubiquitous windmill. I can guess you probably know where this is headed. Anyway, since they have to, the ugly people give chase – slowly, since the monster just shambles along clumsily. You’d think one of the ugly people would just sprint up and put an end to all of this, but NO! Then again, this would be a very short movie otherwise. Back inside the castle, Dracula comes out of the fire, regenerates his singed flesh, and then transforms into some demonic thingy. Over at the windmill, which is now engulfed in flames, the monster carries the doctor up to the top floor and sings a bit of opera to the congregation of ugly people. The windmill, perhaps not approving of the monster’s song stylings, hastily collapses. In the chaos, Dracula and his vampire chicks (Elena Anaya, Silvia Colloca, and Josie Maran) fly in, dispersing the crowd.
Cut to one year later, in Paris and in color, where we discover that notable vampire hunter Van Helsing (Jackman) is a wanted man. Why? Well, it’s not because of the dead hooker he finds on the street, that’s for sure. The hooker didn’t die by his hands, but instead at the hands of a giant Scottish Wolverine . . . which is ironic, considering who Jackman portrays in the X-Men series of films. In actuality, though, it isn’t really a monstrous Wolverine, but instead just a terrible CGI Mr. Hyde (Robbie Coltrane). Oh dear. First Richard Roxburgh, and now Mr. Hyde . . . I wonder if this film is going to suddenly turn into The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen just to annoy me. Anyway, my misgivings aside, Van Helsing is on the scene to arrest Mr. Hyde for his various crimes upon the European continent. Hyde, crafty as well as strong, evades the bulk of Van Helsing’s attacks and then traps his foe in a giant church bell. Like Selene in Underworld did last week, Van Helsing hastens his escape by cutting a hole in the floor underneath him. In the ensuing fracas, our trench coat-clad hero then uses his wonderfully anachronistic spinning circular saws to lop off one of Hyde’s arms. Hyde, now somewhat disarmed, responds by throwing Van Helsing off of one of the spires of Notre Dame Cathedral. Van Helsing, since he must now be the 19th Century James Bond, pulls out a grappling gun – while still in freefall – and shoots its payload directly through Hyde’s torso. They then play a bit of comical tug-of-war, until Hyde falls off of the church’s roof, unfortunately transforms back into Dr. Jekyll, and dies – remarkably bloodlessly (you have to maintain that PG-13 rating, you know) – on the cobblestones below.
Sometime later, Van Helsing goes to Rome and meets with some Cardinal guy (Alun Armstrong) in a confessional. The Cardinal guy scolds Van Helsing for his extreme methods because, it seems, he’s not only a member of clergy, but also the head of a panreligious paramilitary organization. Damn this is already getting complicated. Either that, or the token Buddhist monks, rabbis, and mullahs in the Cardinal’s employ are there to highlight Catholicism’s true dominance of the world’s religious scene. After the stern warnings are given to Van Helsing, the Cardinal guy – who we could probably safely call Cardinal M – gives our hero his newest mission: he is to travel to Romania and face off against Dracula himself! Wow . . . we’re not wasting any time, are we? After Cardinal M provides a bit of helpful exposition, he also gives Van Helsing the task of protecting a random gypsy prince and princess, Velkan (Will Kemp) and HOT CHICK Anna (Beckinsale) Valerious. After his meeting with Cardinal M, Van Helsing trots down to the Vatican’s Q Branch to meet with Brother Q . . . I mean, Brother Carl (David Wenham), the department’s resident weaponsmith. Carl, picking up the exposition where Cardinal M left off, explains the story of vampires and such and then he throws a drop of nitroglycerin at some guy. Oh . . . he also, apparently, has a prototypical nuclear device with him as well. In 1887. Yeah.
Over in eternally overcast Romania, our friendly gypsy prince guy is tied to a post in the forest. He’s then attacked by a werewolf, but it’s all a set-up as he easily escapes his bindings and swings to the top of the post. The werewolf, for all its troubles, ends up trapped in a cage; after a few moments, however, we learn that the incarceration is all for naught as the lycanthrope escapes and chases after the gypsy HOT CHICK princess. Somehow, the end result of all of this is that the HOT CHICK princess escapes, but the prince and the werewolf fall off of a cliff and into a raging river. Hmm . . . I guess Van Helsing couldn’t have come soon enough for him, huh? I mean, he’s just too busy riding a horse through the mountains and valleys and such with Carl at his side.
After an undetermined period of riding, Van Helsing and Carl gallop into the dank and grey gypsy town. In the meantime, Carl asks Van Helsing about our hero’s origins but, before he can respond, a pack of ugly people – lead by Anna – surround the protagonists. The overall mood is tense for a moment, until Dracula’s vampire chicks swoop in and break up the little party; Van Helsing, since he’s got all the cool toys, uses a very illogical self-loading, self-cocking crossbow to shoot at the vampire chicks . . . but nothing really happens. Wow, that’s a lot of excitement for no reason. Things settle down for a bit as the sun comes out, probably for the first time in a few decades or so. The heroes have little time to catch their collective breath, though, as the sun goes right back behind the clouds and the vampire chicks regroup for round two! In the midst of the melee, the vampire chicks transform into more humanoid HOT CHICKS, just in time for two of them to corner Anna in some building. Meanwhile, Van Helsing fights with the remaining vampire HOT CHICK outside . . . and kills her after dipping his machine crossbow in holy water. The other two vampire HOT CHICKS, quite unhappy about their associate’s demise, fly off to safety. In the aftermath, Van Helsing learns that ugly people aren’t necessarily grateful as they now fear that the vampire chicks will be out for REVENGE due to his actions. Eh . . . maybe Van Helsing should just ship off and leave them to their own devices then. Thankless bastards.
Over at his humble abode, Dracula wakes up and he’s not happy at all about the situation. He walks up a wall to chat with his two surviving brides and calm their mourning and fears. Ah . . . say what you want, but he’s a sensitive vampire. I guess that’s why he’s got the Goth gear on. Dracula, unsurprisingly, since one of his HOT CHICK wives is now a dead member of the undead, wants REVENGE! And, perhaps to aid him in his quest for vengeance, he also has a veritable army of technopunk midget henchmen at his command. Meanwhile, in the bowels of the castle, Igor tortures a werewolf with a cattleprod. Although, in this case, we could probably call it a werewolf-prod. No . . . that would be a little too cheesy. Even for me. After the grand tour of Dracula’s fortress concludes, he then decides to move his operation to Frankenstein’s cheesy castle, which, apparently, must’ve survived the wrath of the ugly people the year before. I guess there’s nothing more sure than Romanian construction. Good to know.
Back in the ugly town, Van Helsing and Anna have a little chat, which is a simple way of saying that it’s time for some exposition! Yay! Van Helsing, since he can’t be a remorseless hero – that’s not politically correct, you know, is emotionally tortured by his lack of backstory. Meanwhile, Anna, since she’s a forthright and liberated womanly archetype, wants REVENGE for the death of her brother and everything else that’s been going on in the ugly gypsy town. Van Helsing, perhaps in an attempt to grow a set, gasses her instead of letting her go off on her fool’s crusade. Sometime later, after she awakens, Anna hears strange noises emanating from one of the remote nooks of her castle. Umm . . . does everyone in Romania have a castle? Really now. Anna goes off to investigate, but the source is just an open window . . . with mysterious wet paw prints leading from it! Ooh . . . TENSION! After a bit of suspenseful scene-setting, Anna gets dripped on and then shoots some werewolf in the face. Somehow, miraculously, her dead brother then shows up in the werewolf’s place. Hmm . . . I wonder how that happened? Velkan explains some stuff to his sister and then he – unsurprisingly – turns into a werewolf! After the horribly melodramatic CGI transformation concludes, Van Helsing runs in to see what’s going on, allowing the werewolf the opportunity to escape. Eh, smooth moving, Ex-Lax.
After getting things settled in the castle, Van Helsing, now armed with silver bullets, goes werewolf hunting. In the middle of town, he has a bizarre discussion with the town’s psychotic gravedigger, who looks disturbingly like Riff Raff of Rocky Horror fame. After an ill-fated attempt on Van Helsing’s life by gypsy Riff Raff, the werewolf swoops in and ends the undertaker’s nasty, brutish life. Unfortunately for Van Helsing, just as he has a chance to put an end to the werewolf’s reign of terror, Anna enters the scene to spare her lycanthropic brother’s life. Van Helsing, since he’s a cool vampire hunter, knew that it was her brother all along. Maybe that’s why he wanted to kill it so badly . . . unfortunately, we’ll never know his motivations. Anna, instead of listening to reason, thinks that her brother can be cured of his affliction, so she and Van Helsing go off in search of him. Ah . . . there’s nothing like little subplots to lengthen the movie. Good times.
Over at Frankenstein’s castle, Igor and the technopunk midgets do stereotypically technological stuff. Meanwhile, sensitive Goth rocker Dracula watches intently. On the way to Frankenstein’s castle, Anna questions Van Helsing about his origins, just as Carl did earlier in the film. I guess that’s the signal for oncoming ACTION . . . but not yet. Inside the castle, the werewolf meets with Dracula, who reveals that he is the reason for Anna and Velkan’s father’s disappearance and subsequent death. In place of the father, whose charred corpse was strapped to Frankenstein’s electric table, Dracula has Velkan strapped down instead. Meanwhile, Van Helsing and Anna break into the castle, where they find a room filled with . . . vampire cocoons?!? Huh? OK, now this is getting weird.
As Van Helsing and Anna investigate further, Dracula runs 1.21 gigawatts through Velkan and into the cocoons, which nearly immediately afterward start hatching and releasing creepy little gargoyle things into the castle. Just in case you thought that vampire HOT CHICKS didn’t have motherly instincts, they – as well as Dracula – are remarkably proud parents . . . of an armada of little gargoyle things. Yeah. Van Helsing, as per his particular idiom, shoots at the vampire offspring, greatly annoying Dracula. Dracula flies in to put an end to Van Helsing’s antics while the awful CGI vampire babies inundate the ugly gypsy town. Over at the castle, Van Helsing stakes Dracula . . . but it proves ineffectual. Huh? Talk about rewriting folklore here . . . although technically the stake should be driven into the ground as well, but we’ll let that slide. In the aftermath, Dracula mysteriously calls Van Helsing “Gabriel” while I sense an IMPORTANT PLOT POINT! In the laboratory, Anna boils some of the technopunk midgets and then attempts to rescue her brother, who, sadly, wolfs out at the most inopportune time. Elsewhere, Dracula reveals to Van Helsing that he and the hero have a long and winding history together . . . and then he psychoanalyzes the protagonist, free of charge. That’s awfully nice of him. The counseling session is short-lived, however, as Dracula then shifts to his life story; meanwhile, in the town, the vampire babies suddenly explode, much to the delight of Carl and the only HOT CHICK in town not named Anna. Back at the castle, Van Helsing and Anna use the distraction to escape; in their flight, werewolf Velkan sadly falls to his death in a river . . . again. Maybe he should stay away from running water, eh?
Later, once again at Frankenstein’s castle, Dracula and his brides brood, just like any sensitive Goth rocker would . . . and then he vows REVENGE! Eh . . . whatever, Drac. I think you’ll have to take a number and wait in the REVENGE line at this point. Elsewhere, Anna becomes remorseful because she concedes that Van Helsing was right all along about her brother. Translation: women of the world, men are always right. Even when they’re mysterious paranormal hunters. After nearly sharing a bit of absinthe and seeing where the green fairy leads them, Van Helsing and Anna fall through the floor of a burned-out building deep into a cavern below. Back at Anna’s castle, Carl wakes up next to the local HOT CHICK – he’s only a friar, you know, so he can get it on without damnation – and discovers an animated painting in the library. Ah, there’s nothing like Medieval cartoons. Meanwhile, Van Helsing and Anna wake up in a pit of despair and wander around aimlessly. After a few minutes of pointless spelunking, they come upon a remarkably alive Frankenstein’s monster, who is sadly enraged by an existential quandary. It seems that, in addition to having an identity crisis, the monster is also upset by the fact that he’s still the key to the vampire babies’ survival. Van Helsing, still emotionally tortured, spares the monster since it isn’t truly evil and then he decides to bring everyone back to Rome. Unfortunately, just as he hatches this ingenious plot, the werewolf overhears the entire proceeding.
On the way to Rome, through the eternally overcast woods of Transylvania, one of the vampire chicks finds Van Helsing and his caravan. She takes him for a little fly, but she ends up staked for her troubles. Van Helsing then does the stereotypical hanging coach bit – last seen in any two-bit Western; this time, however, the coach is flaming! Holy variation on a theme, Batman! The monster, since he’s not entirely evil, saves the day . . . until the werewolf shows up AGAIN! All the passengers of the coach dive off into the woods and werewolf Velkan FINALLY dies in a scuffle with Van Helsing. Unfortunately, it may be a Pyrrhic victory, as Van Helsing is seriously wounded . . . with a werewolf bite! Dum-dum-DUM! In the following mayhem, the last surviving vampire chick kidnaps Anna! Later, she meets again with Van Helsing and his associates and proposes a trade: Anna for the monster, at a Halloween party in Budapest. That’s so Ginger Snaps it’s not even funny.
Before the party, Van Helsing tranquilizes the monster and hides him in a graveyard; he and Carl then go off to get down with their bad selves at the soirée. Once at the party, some chick channels the monster from earlier in the film and sings a bit of opera; meanwhile, Anna and Dracula dance together and then we have a cheeky little gag involving a mirror and the vampire’s lack of a reflection. Oh, and it seems that Dracula wants to marry Anna as well; it’s a hard life when two of your wives die in the span of a week or so. On the balcony of the ballroom, Van Helsing knocks out a trapeze artist and takes the bar for himself. He swings in and rescues Anna, but it’s all for naught as the partygoers are actually ALL vampires. What can I say? It’s an undead man’s party . . . who could ask for more? After the ruse is dropped, Igor wheels the monster in on a dolly while everyone else vamps out. Sensing the utter futility of sticking around, Van Helsing, Anna, and Carl exit speedily, stage left. In their wake, Carl leaves a going away present: his nuclear device that was helpfully introduced in the first act!
Since we can’t go fifteen minutes without a bit of swimming, the trio of heroes lands in a river after jumping to escape the multitude of vampires. Meanwhile, they spy Igor and the technopunk midgets rowing away with the monster as a captive, much to the heroes’ chagrin. After things have settled down, there’s a bit of TENSION as we discover that Carl phoned up Rome and they’ve ordered Van Helsing to slay the monster as well as Dracula, much to Van Helsing’s dismay. Due to the stress of the situation, Van Helsing nearly wolfs out and kills his sidekick because he wants the monster to live; luckily for Carl, cooler heads prevail and his life is spared.
Sometime later, the heroes head over to Anna’s place and Carl explains – EXPOSITION! – the origins of Dracula along the way. Somehow, the trio finds a doorway to Dracula’s icy fortress by speaking an ENGLISH incantation which disintegrates a map in the library. OK . . . I’ve suspended disbelief long enough, but this is the last straw. Honestly, how hard would it have been to make the incantation Romanian or, more appropriately, Latin? It’s such a shame that so many movies have to be made in completely broad strokes; little subtleties like that never ever hurt a film. Plus, I don’t think that anyone would mind if one single solitary line in the film was in Latin. Anyway, Van Helsing goes through the wall, closely followed by Anna and Carl. After slowly walking to the castle, a rapidly wolfing out Van Helsing drags his accomplices into the castle. Once inside, the gang finds Igor moving cables around; I guess Dracula wants his MTV. Too bad they don’t show any Smiths or Cure videos anymore. Van Helsing questions Igor and then he finds the monster; he then learns, thanks to the animated painting that Carl saw earlier in the film, that he is the key to killing Dracula since only werewolves can kill vampires . . . or at least Dracula. Eh, whatever movie. You’ve lost me at this point.
After this realization, Van Helsing and his partners split up so that Van Helsing can kill Dracula while the other two search for the cure to his werewolf problem. Of course, before they go their separate ways, Van Helsing and Anna find time for a bit of kissyface. Over in the laboratory, Dracula and the monster share an intimate moment together; meanwhile Van Helsing artfully climbs a chain in the tower while the movie seems to look more and more like a video game. I hope Van Helsing finds a 1-UP! Elsewhere, Anna and Carl follow Igor to the supposed werewolf cure: a mystical syringe encased in a Jell-o mold. Unsurprisingly, it’s all a trap, as Igor locks them in and then the last surviving vampire chick shows up to wreak havoc. Anna, thinking quickly, breaks open the Jell-o mold – which was a glass vessel full of acid, and not yummy gelatin at all – and throws some of its liquid contents at the vampire chick. Anna then throws the magic syringe to Carl and tells him to find Van Helsing, leaving her alone to fight the vampire chick.
Moments later, on a bridge to the castle, Carl faces off with Igor, who is once again armed with his werewolf-prod. In the laboratory, Van Helsing frees the monster from his ubiquitous table; in the meantime, Dracula vamps out and the monster is unfortunately struck by lightning, allowing the scores of vampire babies to hatch! During the fight, the monster falls off the roof, but he quickly – especially for a flesh golem – grabs a nearby wire and swings to safety, knocking Igor off of the aforementioned bridge in the process. After a bit of help from Carl, the monster then swings back into the castle, serendipitously rescuing Anna from the evil vampire chick. Once again in the laboratory, Dracula and Van Helsing face off . . . after Van Helsing wolfs out and Dracula vamps out. Meanwhile, the monster fights the vampire chick while Carl tosses the mystical syringe to a swinging Anna. OK . . . is this really Van Helsing or a Tarzan movie in disguise?
While Dracula and Van Helsing scuffle, Dracula helpfully explains all the backstory we’ve been wondering about the entire film. In the meantime, Anna kills the last vampire chick; in the laboratory, Dracula proposes a partnership with Van Helsing, since it was Van Helsing who killed Dracula all those centuries ago! How do we know this? Well, 1) Dracula says so, 2) Van Helsing has Dracula’s ring, and 3) Van Helsing is apparently the “left hand of God” . . . which means that he’s either an undying holy avenger or the archangel Gabriel. Honestly, either of those options screams of DA CHEEZ! Instead of ironing out the particulars of their possible joint venture, werewolf Van Helsing kills Dracula and, in the aftermath, the vampire babies explode in a crescendo of slimy splendor. A moment later, Anna, mystical syringe in hand, runs in, only to be tackled by werewolf Van Helsing. He gets the antidote before midnight finishes stroking, but there isn’t an opportunity for rejoicing as he also crushed Anna to death with his lycanthropic bulk in the process. Uh-oh. It’s not all bad, though, as Van Helsing and Carl later cremate their HOT CHICK associate while the monster rows away to safety. As a denouement, Van Helsing watches as the spirits of Anna and her relatives walk into heaven – CHEESY! – and then he and Carl ride off into the sunset and possibilities for a sequel.
You know something? I think this warrants a patented Note to Future Filmmakers™, so . . . Note to Future Filmmakers: when given a bunch of legendary studio properties to work into modern film, DO NOT take it upon yourself to rewrite all of their legacies. Now, I’ll be the first to admit that cohesively working Dr. Hyde, the Wolf-Man, Dracula, Frankenstein’s monster, etc. into a coherent film is a challenge I wouldn’t wish on anyone. That being said, I don’t believe that gives one license to completely overhaul all of the existing film mythos of said characters. What may have been intended as a tribute to Universal’s horror history, in the end, seems more like a heresy against this very history. I mean, honestly . . . Dracula as a Goth rocker whose only weakness is an attack by a werewolf? Van Helsing, avenging angel, working for the Vatican’s version of MI-6? Really, people . . . sometimes it doesn’t hurt to keep things a bit simple and respect previous works. That lack of respect, plus some awful special effects and overly cheeky moments can only add up to one thing: the worst film of 2004.
Now, Ms. Beckinsale . . . after your terribly monotonous performance last week in Underworld and your “Land of a 1,000 Accents” gypsy princess in Van Helsing, I just have one thing to say to you: welcome to the Misunderstood Masterpieces Hall of Fame! I’m really looking forward to that sequel to Underworld!
Dear readers, join me next week as I blow this pop stand and take us on a three film vacation, just in time for winter to roll in up here in the Northern Hemisphere. First up: a trip back to when Chevy Chase was funny . . . all those years ago.
