Misunderstood Masterpieces: European Vacation

Posted by Will Helm on 01.04.2005

…or, So This Is How U.S. Foreign Relations Nosedived

Happy New Year, friends! Since we here in the Northern Hemisphere are mired in the doldrums of winter, I figure it’s as good a time as any to go on a little holiday to more temperate climes. That’s why, right now, I’m bringing to you three films with one connecting premise: vacations. First up is the follow-up to the hilarious 1983 smash-hit comedy Vacation cleverly titled European Vacation. The other two films . . . well, you’ll just have to check out the next two columns, won’t you?

Now, for those of you who don’t know of or have never seen the original Vacation, let me get you up to speed with some background information. The original film tells the tale of Chicago’s own Griswold family: doltish dad Clark (Chevy Chase), sexually adventurous mom Ellen (Beverly D’Angelo), hormonally charged son Rusty (Anthony Michael Hall), and awkward daughter Audrey (Dana Barron), and their voyage across the United States to the restful confines of generic theme park Wally World. Along the way, they encounter urine sandwiches, Christie Brinkley in a Ferrari, their white trash cousins (including the legendary Randy Quaid and a very young Jane Krakowski), a dead aunt, and John Candy as a security guard. Hilarity, as is wont to do in these situations, ensues at every turn. Of course, that’s not the film were discussing – well, I’m discussing – herein; that would be 1985’s European Vacation. Instead of once again traversing the North American continent, this installment of the Vacation franchise would send the Griswolds to – unsurprisingly – Europe to wreak their usual brand of havoc across the pond. Of course, things aren’t quite the same as the first film, as two new actors portray Rusty and Audrey, in what would be a hallmark of the franchise (in later films, Rusty and Audrey would be portrayed by such actors as Johnny Galecki, Juliette Lewis, and Ethan Embry). So, does the sequel stack up to the greatness of the original? Well . . . if you know this column, you probably have already figured out the answer to that. Please allow me to elaborate anyway . . .

Just like the film two years prior, we begin with, once again, Lindsey Buckingham rocking out on the title song. I don’t know why, but I tend to have a love-hate attitude toward Fleetwood Mac. Now, I know they’ve done good songs throughout the years but, personally, I tend to prefer any of the Buckingham or McVie compositions because I hate Stevie Nicks with a passion. Whenever “Rhiannon” comes on the radio, I have to fight the nearly overwhelming urge to throw my speakers out of a window. And don’t even get me started on her solo stuff! As a bit of a clever opening credits, the Griswolds get their passports stamped over and over and over again. One problem, though: their last name is spelled “Griswald.” Umm . . . methinks that writer John Hughes (yes, THAT John Hughes) and director Amy Heckerling might’ve wanted to check with continuity before doing the credits. But that’s just me. After the credits, we finally meet the Griswolds . . . and they’re dressed as pigs. OK, it’s not an acid trip; it’s just a game show hosted by none other than Gomez Addams (John Astin)! He introduces the Griswold family, who are the reigning champions, and then takes time out to make out with Audrey (Dana Hill). The Griswolds have a shot at the grand prize but only if they accept the challenge. As the apathetic audience eggs them on, Clark decides to go for it! Ooh . . . excitement. Things take a turn for the worse, however, as the game show brings in a family of ringers to face the Griswolds in the next round. Unsurprisingly, as per their particular idiom, the Griswolds bungle their way to victory, earning themselves a lavish trip to Europe! Alright . . . let’s here it for plot contrivances!

Back in Chicago, Clark barbeques with a plastic lighter fluid bottle that sounds like it’s made of metal. Bad Foley artist! Bad! At the table, Audrey cavorts with her boyfriend, ZABKA! Cobra Kai represent! Sadly, she and her brother (Jason Lively) don’t want to go to Europe. The family has a vote and, by winning a 50% majority, Clark decides that they’re all going to Europe . . . except for ZABKA! He has to stay in Chicago. Later that evening, for no reason in particular (at this point in the film), Ellen performs a musical number while clad only in a towel while Clark films it on a giant camcorder. Then, while the unblinking red eye of the giant camcorder watches, Clark and Ellen get it on on the bedroom floor.

Later, on the plane to Europe, Clark decides for the family that they’re going totally by the book with no improvisation. Well, except for the fact that they’re going to visit some relatives in Germany while in Europe. Something tells me that is not on the game-show itinerary. Anyway, that evening, while the Griswolds sleep comfortably, dream sequences break out! Ellen imagines that the Griswolds meet the British royal family and Clark spurns the advances of a then-living Princess Diana. Rusty goes to a discotheque . . . he’s not very exciting. Audrey channels Monty Python’s The Meaning of Life – remember that for future reference – and engorges herself on mass quantities of food. Finally, Clark dreams that he and his family are in The Sound of Music. No, really.

After the indeterminately long plane flight, the Griswolds arrive in London, where Clark endears himself to the entire population of Britain by throttling a cab driver. Once at the not-so-swank hotel, the Griswolds meet with cockney concierge Mel Smith! Brain Donors represent! He grumbles a bit of unintelligible nonsense at Clark and then leads the Griswolds up to their rooms . . . which are less than hospitable to say the least. Unless it’s one of those “shabby chic” things. Rachel Ashwell would be proud. After searching the room for the promised bathroom, Ellen figures out that there’s a communal commode at the end of the hall. She takes a bath and comes on to Clark, who unwittingly exits and is replaced by Robbie Coltrane! Hagrid, you cad! Clark, utterly lost amid the unnumbered rooms of the hotel, joins some woman – who is obviously not Ellen – in bed. Hilarity ensues as Ellen and Clark realize the errors of their ways, much to Robbie’s and the hairy-legged woman’s chagrins.

The next day, the Griswolds go sight-seeing . . . which is just an excuse for hilarity to ensue while Clark drives on the wrong side of the road. Now, perhaps I’m a bit callow for a Yank, but I would never – EVER – even think about driving anywhere in Europe. Between having to deal with everything being on the wrong side of the road – to me, at least – in Britain to the fact that stop lights are merely suggestions in Italy . . . that’s just asking for trouble. And lawsuits. Anyway, speaking of trouble, Clark runs into some when he runs into some extremely polite gentleman’s car. Moments after extricating himself from that situation, Clark collides with another polite gentleman’s car . . . unless, of course, the politeness is just that legendary dry British wit. Silly Americans. To top off Clark’s automobile adventures, he then runs into a bicycling Eric Idle . . . and then proceeds to ask him for directions. Mr. Idle, sporting chap that he is, obliges, while also referencing the Black Knight scene from Monty Python and the Holy Grail and bleeding profusely. Which could probably be called a reference to the Black Knight scene from Monty Python and the Holy Grail as well.

That evening, Clark comically gets himself stuck in a traffic circle, wherein his family is treated to glimpses of Big Ben and Parliament over and over and over again. Speaking of Parliament, I do enjoy watching sessions whenever they’re broadcast on C-SPAN here in the U.S. Between everyone shouting at Tony Blair and the Prime Minister casually shaking it off and the “get up-sit down-who’s-got-seniority” game, it’s a thrill a minute . . . even though I generally have no idea what they’re talking about. Oh, and if you ever get the chance, you have to watch the opening of the House of Commons; it’s riveting stuff, what with the pomp and circumstance and the Queen and the knocking and all that. Anyway, as day turns into night in the traffic circle, Clark has a nervous breakdown. Back at the hotel, Rusty and Audrey also have nervous breakdowns as they start randomly singing commercial jingles. Of course, Audrey has a reason for her psychosis: she misses ZABKA! She calls him . . . and waits on hold. Sometime the next day, Rusty reveals that he wants a Mohawk while Clark discovers that Audrey has left him a $250 phone bill to pay. In the car, Audrey has another nervous breakdown, this time due to the fact that Clark has threatened to castrate ZABKA once they get back to Chicago. On the way to the airport(?), the Griswolds visit Stonehenge; unfortunately, like many before them, they don’t know just what a henge is. Eddie Izzard would be proud. Clark takes in the inspirational moment and then he unceremoniously knocks over Stonehenge with the car. Yup.

Later, in Paris, the Griswolds learn firsthand of the intricacies of the French population when they all get into a fountain to have their picture taken, only to have a mustachioed Frenchman steal Clark’s giant camcorder. Hmm . . . I wonder how that plays into the plot? I guess we’ll just have to wait and find out. The Griswolds, fresh from having one of their many belongings stolen, get to the hotel, where they run into a honeymooning American couple and quite a lot of mockery from the Frenchmen behind the desk. Now, they may be snide and rude, but at least they didn’t threaten to fart in the Griswolds’ general direction. In the hotel room, Rusty and Audrey rebel against their father, but he tries to make amends by distributing personalized berets! Because nothing says “sexy” like a beret. Unless it’s raspberry. You know, the kind you find in a second-hand store. Later, at a restaurant, a waiter – with a disturbingly large proboscis – mocks Clark’s pitiful attempts to communicate en français. After having their fill of French cuisine – no word on whether or not they drank “Peru,” the Griswolds journey to the Eiffel Tower, where Rusty, who grows exponentially more hormonally driven by the moment, watches some French POUSSINS CHAUDS. Later, these same POUSSINS CHAUDS flirt with Rusty on the observation deck; Clark comes over to chat with his son and, finally listening to reason, jettisons his progeny’s beret off the side of the tower. Unfortunately, some dog belonging to a homely matron accompanying the POUSSINS CHAUDS follows the chapeau and lands in a rive which does not exist in reality.

Back at the hotel, Ellen gets a bit randy, so Clark decides to take advantage of the situation by taking her to the Crazy Horse Saloon. Ah, there’s nothing like a cheap excuse for artistic nudity. Ellen, instead of being stoked to uncontrollable levels of passion, is very creeped out. Even creepier: she and Clark find a drunk, barely incognito Rusty chatting with a hooker in the back of the club. Of course, this is a total buzzkill for Clark – and Rusty as well. The next day, Rusty and Audrey bicker and then Audrey collapses on the steps of the Louvre where, once inside, the Griswolds look at art at a rapid rate of speed. That’s bound to happen when you get there fifteen minutes before it closes, you know. The next day, or at least later that day, the Griswolds have breakfast while the honeymooners from earlier in the act get it on at an adjacent table. Audrey, still distraught, reads a letter from ZABKA, who, unsurprisingly, wants to see other people. Audrey responds by gorging herself on croissants; nothing says hilarity like “eating disorder,” you know.

Sometime later, the Griswolds drive to Germany, where Clark is looking for “sex.” Actually, he’s looking for “number six,” which is the residence of his distant family. Of course, in typical Griswold fashion, they go to number sixteen, the entirely wrong house. Once inside, the Griswolds make nice with the unsuspecting elderly couple (Willy Millowitsch and Erika Wakernagel) of the home. Over a stereotypical German dinner of kraut and brats, Clark shows the German guy pictures of the family while Audrey complains about ZABKA to the wife. Later that night, Clark brushes his teeth in a bedpan and then they say their goodbyes and auf weidersehens the next day. Ah . . . what a nice way to kill five minutes of film.

That afternoon, the Griswolds come upon a lederhosen-laden festival in some random Germanic town. While Clark, Ellen, and Audrey take in the festivities, Rusty chats up some German HEIßES KÜKEN. While Clark does as the Germans do and dons a jaunty pair of lederhosen, Rusty gets the privilege of seeing some Teutonic breasts in a romantic back alley. While Rusty makes out and perhaps moves to – you know – tap it, Clark joins a bunch of German guys onstage for a rhythmic Germanic slap-fight. Clark, not realizing that it’s all tradition, like every other stupid American tourist stereotype, starts a fight with the German mob. The Griswolds hightail it out of there, much to Rusty’s chagrin; I guess there isn’t going to be any schnitzel for his weiner. The Griswolds speed through the cobblestone streets, but the angry Germans give chase . . . until Clark gets the car stuck in a stone tunnel, blocking their would-be assailants’ path. The Griswolds escape to the safety of a train, on foot, and make it there just in time. Whew . . . that was close.

On the train, the Griswolds take a vow of silence, which is merely an excuse for the Foley artists – who we’ve already established as less-than stellar – to have some fun. After a bit of loud gum-chewing and scuffling, our favorite bumbling family arrives in Rome! Once there, instead of taking in the sights, they first go to the oddly anonymous “nearest travelers’ cheques place.” And, oddly enough, since we need to extend the movie a bit more, at said “nearest travelers’ cheques place” would be a pair of English-speaking Italian robbers and an unfortunately bound desk clerk. When the Griswolds arrive, the most coherent of the English-speaking Italian robbers mans the desk and makes googly eyes at Ellen while giving the Griswolds $3,000. He then gives the Griswolds a rather well-appointed Fiat with the rare accessory of a tied up desk clerk in the trunk. The Griswolds respond to their ill-gotten windfall the only way a family in the ‘80s would: they go shopping for tacky “Italian” fashions during an overly long musical montage! I guess they REALLY needed to pad out this movie. Even this column is looking a bit short at this point.

At the hotel, who should Clark and the gang (no relation to Kool and the Gang) run across but a grievously injured Eric Idle, who is on holiday. After a bit of clumsy slapstick, our erstwhile Pythoneer limps off in a comically skittish fashion. Then again, I can’t say I blame him. The next day, Audrey – once again, since she is a one . . . maybe two . . . note character – has a nervous breakdown because, gee whiz, she misses ZABKA! Meanwhile, Rusty wants some free time to himself, mainly because his adolescent passions have gone on unfulfilled throughout the whole film. I guess he wants to put some filling in the cannoli . . . squeeze the sausage . . . bake the ziti. OK, maybe not the last one. Anyway, while Audrey and Rusty plead their case, Ellen discovers, much to her horror, that she’s actually a European porn star! You see . . . there was a reason, after all, for the musical number/amateur porn shoot earlier in the film. Although, nowadays she could easily put that up on the ‘Net and make herself some extra money. Then again, I don’t know how much of a market there is for a Chevy Chase-Beverly D’Angelo porn; although, if people are buying Chynna’s disturbing video, there has to be a market. People are sick sometimes.

Anyway, a distraught Ellen seeks refuge at the hotel, which the English-speaking Italian robbers are staking out. The lead robber, since he is well-dressed and coherent, decides that it would be wise to make time with Ellen . . . merely to get the keys to the trunk of the Fiat. Of course, he’d never want to actually do it with a porn star. Nope. Not at all. Meanwhile, as Clark tours Rome alone and Ellen gets drunk in the hotel bar – with the lead English-speaking Italian robber’s help, Rusty makes time with some PULCINO CALDO . . . who just happens to be a from California. I guess that would make her a HOT CHICK (Moon Unit Zappa), eh? While Rusty shares some gelato with his newfound friend, the lead English-speaking Italian robber insinuates himself onto Ellen, who wisely spurns his advances. He then responds just as any English-speaking Italian robber would: he kidnaps Ellen. OK . . . it’s time for a little rant here. Why, oh why, is it that every single wacky madcap comedy anymore has to feature some sort of hackneyed “kidnapping/stolen jewel/various and other sundry inconsequential McGuffin” plot? Is there a requirement that there has to be pointless TENSION in the final act? Sometimes I wonder if there isn’t some sort of “comedy primer” that all these screenwriters have to go by to get their films produced. And people wonder how folks like Kevin Smith or Wes Anderson can become famous and respected. Weird.

Anyway, Audrey luckily spies her mother being shanghaied by the English-speaking Italian robber and it’s up to her to find Clark. Fortunately, Clark is right behind her nary a moment later. Well now, isn’t that wonderfully serendipitous? Clark and Audrey get in the Fiat and give chase and, somewhere along the way, they pick up Rusty and the California HOT CHICK. Clark gets the Fiat caught up in some traffic or a palazzo or something, so he hijacks a bicycle and CATCHES UP WITH THE ENGLISH-SPEAKING ITALIAN ROBBER’S CAR! Damn, Clark can pedal fast! Clark commandeers the car and drives it into a fountain, where he nearly pummels comically unfortunate Eric Idle and then rightly beats up the English-speaking Italian robber, who is hastily arrested before Clark can really open up a can of whoop-ass. Clark and Ellen make nice and there is much rejoicing . . . until the Griswolds are on the plane home. You see, once there, they’re again victim to another high-speed musical montage, which leads to them marveling at old file footage of the Statue of Liberty. Clark, so moved by the sight, attempts to go to the bathroom, but he instead breaks into the cockpit! Once inside, his “hilarious” bumbling leads to the plane crashing into the statue’s torch! Clark bin-Laden?

Oh boy I’m going to get letters for that last line.

Now, looking back on the film as a whole, it’s quite understandable why the manufactured TENSION of the last act is there: it’s a moment of redemption for the Griswolds. Throughout the film, our uncouth “protagonists” bungle their way across Europe, insulting anyone and everyone in their path. Honestly, you don’t know whether to feel sorry for the Griswolds in their state of culture clash or for Europe for having to tolerate these nincompoops. Many, many times the Griswolds should have ended up dead or in a very unwelcoming prison for their actions; yet, each time, they seem to escape. By the end of the film, therefore, we should hate them, but Clark’s heroic rescue changes all that. It’s at that point that we realize, regardless of all their faults and foibles, they’re still a family . . . a dysfunctional, borderline imbecilic family, but a family nonetheless. Does that denouement, therefore, mean that European Vacation is at least as good as its predecessor? Of course not. Silly readers.

Anyway, join me next week as I bring you the sado-masochistic adventures of one of Chevy Chase’s running buddies. Oh, and there’s bush too. I’m sure you won’t want to miss it!