Misunderstood Masterpieces: Cyborg
Posted by Will Helm on 01.25.2005
…or, Welcome to the Existential Apocalypse
As I mentioned last week, it’s time for a manly man movie trilogy here at Misunderstood Masterpieces. We’ve got sci-fi junk, a special appearance by a United States governor, and the inspiring tale of a sensitive rural bouncer on tap for all of you. So, without further ado, grab yourself a nice, juicy, rare steak and an alcoholic frosty beverage; put on a wife beater; and slide that hand into the waistband of your pants . . . let the testosterone flow.
To be quite frank, I never quite understood the Jean-Claude Van Damme mystique. Especially in the early years of his career, I had always thought of him as a foil to fellow martial artist Steven Seagal. Van Damme was certainly less greasy, oftentimes equally sleazy, and definitely much more European than Seagal. Seagal usually had much more complex film titles, usually involving a prepositional phrase: Above the Law, Marked for Death, Out for Justice, etc. Meanwhile, Van Damme, especially very early in his film stardom, gravitated toward films with one-word titles: Bloodsport, Kickboxer, Lionheart, etc. He would later graduate to two-word titles, proving that he was moving up in the cinematic world. Good for him. These early Van Damme escapades tended to vary greatly in quality. For example, his first two major roles were quite entertaining; there was the based-on-a-true-story tale of a vengeful kickboxer in Bloodsport and then the not-based-on-a-true-story tale of a vengeful kickboxer in (unsurprisingly) Kickboxer. Both films were quite watchable . . . and have the added bonus of introducing Muay Thai to the pop culture; Jeff Speakman still wishes Kenpo were that interesting.
After these two films, it was time to follow up with some science-fiction . . . and you ALL know how I feel about science-fiction. Anyway, the film itself is Cyborg, a post-apocalyptic romp involving Van Damme and a cyborg. Crazy, right? Well, it does get crazy, since the film was not just a Van Damme vehicle, but also the unofficial sequel to the legendarily terrible Masters of the Universe flick. No, really. I guess Dolph Lundgren was off that day. Anyway, adding to the film’s utterly insane – and inane – pedigree is the fact that, honestly, the film just happens. It’s like an existential sci-fi/action movie. Don’t believe me? Allow me to explain . . .
OK, just in case you had doubted me from the start, the film opens with the requisite, ubiquitous Post-Apocalyptic Science-Fiction Voice-Over™. Said voice-over rambles on about how there were war and pestilence and death and destruction and all the other hallmarks of a good, old-fashioned apocalypse. Wholly unsurprising. What is surprising, however, is the fact that voice-over guy actually admits that he likes the devastation! Well now . . . isn’t that mighty nihilistic of you? Nietzsche would be proud. Down in lovely post-apocalyptic New York City – helpfully labeled as such by what can only be described as Commodore Amiga graphics – some bleeding guy and some chick (Dayle Haddon) run around in their futuristic jumpsuits. Nice of the movie to jump right into the action, isn’t it? Unbeknownst to them, they’re being tailed by a giant guy with a mullet! Lex Lugar, no! For some reason or other, the unhappy couple is accosted by ne’er-do-wells, which leads to the chick jumping through a random window and the bleeding guy getting beaten up for his troubles. After the bludgeoning, a pack of extras from any Michael Jackson video from the ‘80s shows up, led by a grumbly guy with an apparent acute case of glaucoma (Vincent Klyn). Mr. Grumbles puts the bleeding guy out of his misery and then reveals himself to be . . . the nihilistic voice-over guy! Dum-dum-DUM!
After some horribly low-rent credits (Amiga or Apple IIe? You decide!), Jean-Claude Van Damme runs around with his jaunty short hair and follows the chick from earlier in the film around post-apocalyptic urban sprawl. See . . . that’s what unchecked development can only lead to. Anyway, Jean-Claude Van Damme beats up some random guys along the way, culminating in our “hero” killing some guy with the dude’s own knife. Nifty. The chick, who the knife guy had been harassing, thanks Jean-Claude Van Damme for his intervention . . . and then she reveals herself to be the titular cyborg! Of course, she’s a horribly low budget cyborg, but I guess you have to take what you can get. Jean-Claude Van Damme – whose character is the musically named Gibson Rickenbacker, but you wouldn’t know that since they never say it in the movie . . . or at least I didn’t hear them say it, so I’ll just call him JCVD from here on in – is rightfully freaked out by the sight of a fairly attractive chick taking the back of her head off. He doesn’t have time to react further, however, as one of Mr. Grumbles’ henchmen shoots him and Mr. Grumbles (a.k.a. Fender Tremolo . . . I guess the screenwriter had an obsession with guitars) arrives to escort the cyborg chick down to Atlanta, her ultimate destination.
Sometime later, JCVD wakes up from his gunshot wound and punches through some balsawood boards . . . then he has a flashback to something or other. Elsewhere, Mr. Grumbles and his goons burn down a town and he kills some random people for no particular reason. Ooh . . . I guess he’s evil. Thanks, movie! After the pillaging ceases, Mr. Grumbles exclaims that he “hates the water,” or something to that effect. At least that’s what I think he said. Don’t forget . . . my little nickname for him IS Mr. Grumbles, so don’t be surprised if he’s more than a little unintelligible at times. Kind of like this column. That evening, JCVD surveys the ruins of the scorched town and then he throws a knife or some other object at a chick skulking in the shadows, knocking her out. Later, the unconscious chick (Deborah Richter, last seen as one of Leon’s HOT CHICKS in Midnight Madness) sleeps while JCVD sharpens his knife. Knife sharpening: riveting stuff. For some unexplained reason, JCVD’s hair grows long and there’s a family in mourning accompanying him . . . and it’s suddenly daytime. Oh . . . I guess this is another flashback; you can tell since there’s goofy ninja-movie music playing in the background. Anyway, in the flashback, JCVD walks with the family – who may or may not be his – through a field. Moments after that, we learn that, apparently, Mr. Grumbles may or may not have killed the family. Stay tuned for further details as they become available.
Back in the present future (this movie would give Stephen Hawking fits . . . how can you have flashbacks in the future?!?), the once-unconscious chick attempts to pilfer herself a makeshift knife to fend off JCVD’s advances, but he discovers her little plot. She then tries to make nice with JCVD and asks him if he’s after the cyborg, since I guess it must be common knowledge that there’s a cyborg running around. The next day, JCVD and the chick have a little chat and then he attempts to leave. Much to his chagrin, the chick follows along and doesn’t seem to shut up either. It seems that she really, really, really, really, please-with-sugar-on-top wants to help . . . but she merely succeeds in whining unmercifully. Perhaps that’s a post-apocalyptic mutation of hers: chronic whining. JCVD, much to his credit, ignores her and blows her off. Good for him. Later, of course, JCVD and the chick get back together and this time it appears as if they’ve gone camping together. Wow . . . feel the TENSION! Anyway, JCVD has another vague, random flashback and then he tells the chick that he didn’t kill her because he felt sorry for her. Aww . . . how romantic.
Later, in some dreary, post-apocalyptic settlement not unlike the one Mr. Grumbles and Company burnt down earlier, some guy tells JCVD where Mr. Grumbles and his horde are going. It seems that this mysterious individual also knows JCVD for some reason, which leads to yet another JCVD flashback, featuring his cheesy long hair! Back, once again, in the present future, a kindly barkeep waxes philosophical – see: existentialism! – and tells JCVD that he must define his raison d’etre in order to succeed. Sartre would be proud. Meanwhile, some woman screams in pain and the chick responds by trying to make JCVD feel guilty for something or other. Whatever. Oh, then JCVD punches some guy and gives a kid a basketball. It’s like something out of a Coca-Cola commercial . . . a post-apocalyptic Coca-Cola commercial. While all of this urban weirdness is going on, Mr. Grumbles and his gang are calmly and coolly sailing down to Atlanta. Way to get the move on there, JCVD!
Sometime afterward, JCVD and the chick wander into a “wasteland,” where some thing runs through the forest following our heroes. JCVD, perhaps sensing danger, leaves the chick behind just so that he can surreptitiously kill some dude and some other dude with a minimum of whining. Of course, the chick, since she’s easily bored, goes off to do something or other, which mainly consists of finding trouble and getting surrounded by Mr. Grumbles’ hair-metal henchmen. JCVD, since he is the apparent hero of this picture, swoops in to save the day and rescue the dimwitted maiden . . . with his very loud punches. I swear; he must be hiding microphones in those fists or something. Either that, or the Foley artist is really having fun. Or both. Before escaping the somewhat certain doom of Mr. Grumbles’ hoodlums, the chick has a measure of revenge by knocking one of them off of a building. Oddly enough, she doesn’t seem too happy about it. Whatever, lady.
Later, the chick gets all philosophical with JCVD – see: again! – and then they go to the beach. Once there, the chick strips naked and runs into the water! Ah, there’s nothing like a post-apocalyptic dip in the ocean. I’m sure there’s no pollution whatsoever. Nope. That evening, JCVD and the chick, both clad only in blankets, sit around a campfire together. JCVD broods and has yet another flashback, so the chick, possibly sensing the TENSION, nearly gets naked . . . but JCVD stops her. I guess, after her little swim, he was afraid of radioactive lesions or finding a third arm growing between her breasts. It is after the apocalypse, remember. After the slight bit of nudity, JCVD has another flashback . . . where he gets it on with his dead wife (or at least a woman who may or may not be his dead wife) while Mr. Grumbles watches from the window! Eew . . . pervert. No wonder his eyes got like that. Now I wonder if he’s got hairy palms too.
The next morning, after JCVD awakens from his voyeuristic nightmare, he walks down to the beach, closely followed by the chick. He spies Mr. Grumbles’ boat on the horizon, wherein the cyborg and some hair-metal chick share a pointless uncomfortable silence. Thank you for that time-waster, movie! My life is so much more complete because of it! Oh, and just in case you thought that flashbacks were exclusive to JCVD alone, the cyborg has a flashback! It seems that she was once an idealistic nincompoop who volunteered to become half-robot. I guess that hasn’t gotten her anywhere in life, sadly. Maybe she should’ve had the chicken instead. Anyway, after the flashback ends, Mr. Grumbles comes down below and, for some reason, gets tender with the cyborg. Hmm . . . who knew he was a grumbly gentleman?
Sometime later, JCVD and the chick find Mr. Grumbles’ boat washed ashore; in response, Mr. Grumbles sends his hair-metal henchmen to take out JCVD. Somehow, they all end up in an abandoned industrial complex, where JCVD tells the chick to stay put and stay out of trouble. Because, you know, she really listened to him earlier. Maybe he should’ve broken her ankle or tied her to a tree or something, because I think we all know where this is heading. Of course, I really know where this is heading, since I’ve already seen the whole movie . . . but that’s beside the point. The chick, unsurprisingly, whines about being left behind by JCVD, so, at the first chance she gets, she goes off on her own and quickly gets herself captured. Oh . . . wow. What. A. Surprise. Elsewhere, JCVD fights some ugly guy with a knife; instead of killing the ugly guy, JCVD falls off a balcony. OK then. He – since he is the hero – miraculously survives and then starts offing henchmen with admirable rapidity. That all comes to an end when JCVD comes face-to-face with Mr. Grumbles, who promptly shoots our hero. A bunch of other hair-metal henchmen show up . . . one of which is JCVD’s daughter? Dum-dum-DUM!
JCVD, who must recover remarkably quickly from gunshot wounds, since he’s already done it twice in the film, runs away while the henchmen give chase. JCVD pays back Mr. Grumbles by shooting some of his men on his way out of the complex. He then rescues the incapacitated chick and has a talk with the cyborg, who, oddly, won’t come along. Hmm . . . I didn’t know half-robot/half-human constructs could exhibit the Stockholm Syndrome. I guess I was wrong. Oh, wait . . . I guess I was wrong that I was wrong; the cyborg merely wants to kill Mr. Grumbles herself. She’s a cyborg out for REVENGE!
JCVD, with the chick in tow, escapes the scene while the hair-metal henchmen, of course, give chase. This is getting to be pretty monotonous, wouldn’t you say? JCVD, perhaps sensing the lack of innovation in the plot so far, takes refuge in the sewers, where a hair-metal henchman follows behind . . . and grunts. A lot. Of course, Grunty McGrunt can’t have all the fun, so a bevy of other henchmen join in behind him. Unbeknownst to our friendly neighborhood henchmen, JCVD has prepared himself for henchmen action, which pretty much entails him stabbing Grunty McGrunt in the head. That was . . . anticlimactic. After JCVD dispatches that lone henchman, he and the chick escape the sewers . . . but this time they have a hench-wench on their trail! Oh, and some other dude too. Anyway, JCVD and the chick run through a swamp and JCVD yells incoherently. After the impromptu trudging, JCVD squares off with the dude while the chick cuts off the hench-wench’s hand. Somehow, the chick ends up knocked out as well. JCVD, busy with his own problems, kills the dude, but, unfortunately for him, another dude arrives in his stead . . . accompanied by more hair-metal henchmen. JCVD is unsurprisingly outnumbered and beat down, so he dramatically coughs up blood. Mr. Grumbles, sensing his rival’s weakness, waltzes over and calmly pummels JCVD. Way to hit a man when he’s down, grumbly. I should also note that, during the melee, we learn the real reason behind Mr. Grumbles’ nihilistic world-view: bad fashion. You see, he’s wearing a velvet Shakespeare shirt underneath what appears to be a chainmail wife-beater. I’d be pretty pissed off if I were walking around the post-apocalyptic wastes dressed like that too.
Anyway, after Mr. Grumbles incapacitates JCVD, he crucifies his opponent! Ah-ha! It’s a commentary on religion . . . how philosophical! It’s almost as if Mr. Grumbles is saying “This is what I think about your ‘God.’ Not only is God dead, He’s also has-been action star Jean-Claude Van Damme.” How profound! Scott Levy would be proud. JCVD’s daughter, perhaps having a moment of faith, is saddened by the sight, much to Mr. Grumbles’ consternation. Meanwhile, JCVD has another flashback in which he and the dead chick share a tender moment while he’s dressed like a glassy-eyed farmer. Hmm . . . I guess there’ll be hemp plantations after the apocalypse, then. Good to know. Once again, he and the dead chick get it on and, once again, Mr. Grumbles watches from the window. OK . . . didn’t we already see this? It’s bad enough that JCVD and the cyborg have flashbacks, but now the movie itself is having flashbacks as well? It’s like we’re stuck in a cinematic Möbius strip or something. If this movie collapses upon itself, then I’ll be really frightened . . . mainly because that means that my DVD player has become a black hole. Then again, this movie already does suck, so it wouldn’t be surprising. In the present future, JCVD starts screaming and kicking the post to his ersatz crucifix; in his flashback, it is revealed that Mr. Grumbles actually made JCVD’s daughter kill the rest of her family . . . including JCVD? Oh, wait . . . somehow he survived. I guess that means he was destined to be a hero. There’s your raison d’etre right there!
After the flashback, present-future JCVD provides his criticism of Mr. Grumbles’ theological commentary by kicking the cross down through the power of his heel! Hallelujah! Praise JCVD! The chick, perhaps the Magdalene to JCVD’s ersatz Christ, cuts our hero free from his bonds. Meanwhile, Mr. Grumbles walks through the forest and questions the cyborg as to what the reward for turning her in will be. Oddly, he actually doesn’t want anything but destruction . . . but he asks her anyway. Weird. Of course, the cyborg thinks that Mr. Grumbles is patronizing her, so she refuses to give him a clear answer. OK . . . let me get this straight. How is it that if JCVD brings the cyborg to Atlanta, that’s good, but if Mr. Grumbles brings the cyborg to Atlanta, that’s bad? I mean, the point of the quest is to get the cyborg to Atlanta; does it really matter just who she gets there with? Really, movie. Logic is not your strong suit. Not to say you have a strong suit to begin with, though.
Finally, in Atlanta – where I have to wonder if there are post-apocalyptic strip clubs – Mr. Grumbles and his crew arrive. JCVD is also there . . . miraculously healed. If he starts curing lepers and restoring sight, I’m shutting the movie off. Elsewhere in the metropolis, Mr. Grumbles walks around the set of “Thriller” for no reason in particular. He looks as if he’s about to gloat when JCVD fires an arrow in his direction . . . and misses? What an idiot! Now, I don’t know about you, but if I had the chance to shoot my archrival, the man who watched me get it on with my wife and then killed my family and tried to kill me and also enslaved my daughter, with an arrow . . . I’d do it! I hope JCVD gets killed for his stupidity. Anyway, because JCVD tipped his hand a little too early, Mr. Grumbles’ hair-metal henchmen stand at the ready and Mr. Grumbles says “boo.” “Boo”? Huh? This is starting to get REALLY weird. As if a post-apocalyptic existential commentary on religion wasn’t weird enough before. After Mr. Grumbles’ cryptic ejaculation, the henchmen spring into action . . . and JCVD quickly kills the lot of them, which he – for some reason – couldn’t do earlier. I guess the power of a post-apocalyptic Christ-figure compels him. Elsewhere, the chick rescues the cyborg while JCVD stands around in the rain. While the chick and some hench-chick fight, JCVD beats up a guy who is engulfed in flames. Ah . . . so that’s where the special-effects budget went. Then again, for this movie, the “special” in special effects seems the little yellow bus kind of special, so that’s not saying much.
Speaking of which . . . just what differentiates “special” effects from “regular” effects or just simple modifier-less “effects”? The world – or just me – wants to know!
Finally, for yet another time in the movie, JCVD and Mr. Grumbles square off; Mr. Grumbles takes off his ever-present sunglasses, so you know he REALLY means business. Then again, said business only appears to be he and JCVD punching each other a lot and grunting. Ah . . . how masculine. Mr. Grumbles, seizing an opportunity, channels ECW and slams a car door into JCVD’s head multiple times. JCVD’s daughter, unsurprisingly, is concerned, so Mr. Grumbles forces her to act out a scene from Othello with him. It makes sense . . . he does have the Shakespeare shirt. Somehow, the chick shows up only to get killed by Mr. Grumbles; JCVD yells dramatically and recovers his strength . . . for he is bolstered by REVENGE! He and Mr. Grumbles punch each other once more, but this time they accompany it with comical faces. I just wish there were some circus music playing in the background; that’d be wonderfully absurd. Unlike this film, which is woefully absurd. Anyway, it all comes to a head when Mr. Grumbles pulls out a knife which – in a move that was foreshadowed in the very early stages of the picture – JCVD stabs him with.
After Mr. Grumbles lifeless form falls to the ground, JCVD reunites with his daughter; his rejoicing is short-lived, however, as Mr. Grumbles returns from the dead! He and JCVD pick up where they left off, but this time it ends when JCVD impales Mr. Grumbles on a conveniently placed meathook in some random building. Elsewhere in Atlanta, the cyborg – who was rendered unconscious earlier in the chaos – wakes up; meanwhile, JCVD mourns for the now-deceased (and staying deceased) chick. Even the cyborg, whose programming may or may not allow for emotion, is saddened by his loss. Finally, JCVD escorts the cyborg to her base, but he and his daughter don’t stay to chat over coffee and post-apocalyptic donuts. In his wake, the cyborg reveals that she may not be the cure for the post-apocalyptic malaise, but JCVD may just be that cure. Marion Cobretti would be proud.
I know this sounds obtuse, but this is one of those rare films that just “is.” It has no reason for being; it’s largely bland, low-budget, and unexciting. It doesn’t really have a beginning and it doesn’t really have an ending; it just “happens.” There are quite a few uncomfortable and/or inscrutable moments as well, like Mr. Grumbles’ bizarre voyeurism, JCVD’s frequent Messianic impersonations, and the chick dying for no particular reason. On that same note, it always seems that there’s an underlying profundity to the film, as if there’s an important message going on in the background; unfortunately, no one bothered to clue the viewer as to what it is. Oh, Cyborg. You don’t put any effort in at all, but you fail more miserably than one would expect. That’s a true hallmark of a Misunderstood Masterpiece.
Join me next week as I reveal an American politician’s shocking Communist past! See you then!
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