Misunderstood Masterpieces: Debbie Does Dallas

Posted by Will Helm on 02.15.2005

…or, A Valentine for the Lonely

Hey there! You’re looking good this week. How was your Valentine’s Day? Not so good, huh? Well, have I got something for you to shake away those blues; it’s our first foray into the luscious, lascivious world of “adult” film and, perhaps, the start of a Valentine’s tradition here at Misunderstood Masterpieces. I hope you enjoy it!

Erotica and film have a long and sordid history together. It seems that, ever since moving pictures were developed, someone saw profit for utilizing them to provide titillation. It can be argued that the first “adult” film was the remarkably tame one-minute-long piece titled The Kiss, which dates back to 1896. As unbelievable as it may sound, this clip of a man and a woman kissing actually brought about a call for censorship of film in its day. Erotica and film would grow together throughout the following years, from the stag films of the early first half of the 20th century to more covert things like intentionally overdubbing the sounds of a woman having an orgasm in the old Tarzan films. In the latter half of the last century, erotic film would find its heyday with the release of three major films: the uneventful – and presently quite in vogue – ode to fellatio, 1972’s Deep Throat; the bizarre and orgiastic Behind the Green Door, also from 1972; and, finally, the subject of our column here, the 1978 adult comedy Debbie Does Dallas. Featuring two of the American male’s favorite subjects, nubile teenagers and cheerleaders, Debbie Does Dallas laid the groundwork for the wacky adult films to follow it. So, just how wacky can an erotic movie be? Allow me to explain . . .

Somewhere in the United States, a team of unenthusiastic cheerleaders practices, one of whom is, apparently, going commando. Hmm . . . I guess we’re in rural Missouri, then. After the lackluster routine concludes, the cheerleaders huddle up and the lead cheerleader (is that redundant?), Debbie (Bambi Woods), explains her current predicament in a series of run-on sentences. Seriously; I don’t necessarily want to spoil it, but throughout the film, Debbie speaks in long, monotonous run-on sentences. I guess that they neglected to teach punctuation at whatever college or . . . high school (more on that later) they all attend. Anyway, it seems that the titular Debbie – no pun intended – has prevailed in an audition for the legendary Dallas Cowgirl cheerleading squad. There’s one problem, however: she can’t afford the cost of the trip to Texas. She plans on raising the money somehow, but her fellow cheerleaders take pity on her plight and offer to help however they can.

Then, just because there hasn’t been any nudity in the film, the scene shifts to the locker room, where the cheerleaders, in order to boost Debbie’s morale, plan on joining her in Dallas while undressing. Hmm . . . maybe learning isn’t exactly the strong suit of their educational facility; I would think if you want to help your friend get someplace, you wouldn’t then plan on spending the money you raise on yourself. Perhaps, I’m wrong, though. Luckily, the director, seeing this as a possible weak plot point, makes sure to distract the viewer with random shots of breasts. Thank you, Jim Clark. Each of the cheerleaders takes inordinately short showers and, while under the water, they discuss their plans of getting jobs to support Debbie’s cause. One problem . . . or benefit, though: the sound of the water drowns out the bulk of the inane dialogue, so we have no real clue as to what’s going on. Perhaps that’s a good thing, judging by the actresses’ acting abilities.

Later, one of the cheerleaders goes to a bookstore looking for a job; she meets with the disco DJ behind the counter and he immediately hires her. Not because she’s attractive or anything. Oh no. Of course not. Meanwhile, Debbie visits a sporting-goods store in her search for employment; inside, she asks the proprietor, Mr. Greenfield (Richard Balla, whose mannerisms and looks make him the love child of Woody Allen and Billy Crystal), for some work. While she makes her proposal, he commits premeditated sexual harassment by imagining himself violating Debbie in all sorts of nasty ways. Out on the street, another cheerleader stands on the sidewalk, waiting for her cue. No really . . . she’s just standing there for a split second, and then she just decides to start walking arbitrarily. After beginning her forward progress, the cheerleader runs into local entrepreneur and Mike Brady-look-a-like-contest winner Mr. Hardwick (Eric Edwards), who offers her a job at his candle shop. Hmm . . . methinks there is a labor shortage in town or something. Either that, or the municipality turns a blind eye to undocumented employees. Nanny-gate’s got nothing on this.

Sometime later, the cheerleaders are back on the field, practicing unenthusiastically once again. After their practice concludes, they sit around on the grass and question the commando girl, Lisa (Georgette Sanders) about her preference for going panty-less. Even though she says that she’d rather go naked than be clothed, I think it’s just because it helps the crowd in the stands to get up for the game. I’m not going to say what exactly is getting up, but I’ll leave that to your imagination. After finishing their interrogation, the rest of the cheerleaders – or at least the bulk of them – reveal that they all got jobs in one way or another. Meanwhile, elsewhere on the field, a some football players complain about the fact that their cheerleader girlfriends are cutting them off in order to fulfill their fiscal pursuits. Ah . . . typical male insecurity on display; I guess they’re emasculated because the girls chose careers over them. Welcome to the modern world, boys!

Back in the locker room, the cheerleaders once again undress and shower . . . but two remain conspicuously behind. Hmm . . . I wonder why. I hope they know that, in the wake of their cheerleading teammates, a quartet of jocks has snuck into the shower! Uh-oh . . . this can’t be good! The two cheerleaders, nervous, joke around with the interlopers . . . and then some music breaks out! That can only mean one thing . . . cue the pyro, it’s time for a four-on-two handicap match!

This match is scheduled for . . . a few falls, with an indeterminate time limit. Just to skip ahead to the action, we clip to the match already in progress. The cheerleaders must be submission specialists, as redheaded cheerleader #1 has her male foe in a liplock on a very sensitive area. Perhaps looking to suck the will out of him, she lingers on the lock, until we clip to her pinning him against the wet, cold shower floor. Eew. Even though she’s got him in a pinning predicament, he repeatedly kicks out . . . over and over again. Oddly enough, even though you’d think she would want to get the duke, redheaded cheerleader #1 seems to be enjoying her opponent’s attempts to come out of the pin. After a bit more clipping, the random guy reverses her pinning attempt to a reverse thrusting hiplock, which is enough for the win! Strangely, this eliminates him from the rest of the match; this one must have weird rules.

Elsewhere in the shower, another footballer pins redheaded cheerleader #2; like her male counterpart earlier, she seems to enjoy trying to kick out, which she does repeatedly. For some reason, the background soundtrack switches to an ersatz Vanilla Fudge clone while the cheerleader is repeatedly pinned to the shower floor. Honestly, that must not be comfortable; it’s a wonder she hasn’t tapped out or just given up. Instead, we clip to redheaded cheerleader #2 reversing to another sensitive liplock, with which she appears to want to finish. Her opponent doesn’t seem to be enjoying her attempts to garner a submission, so he calls over one of his partners to lend a hand! Double-teaming! Where’s the ref?!? Well, the ally doesn’t really lend a hand per se, but with the switch in soundtrack once again, this time to early ‘70s Elton John, we know we’re in for a climactic finish!

Of course, Elton John isn’t the only musical icon present, as one of the footballers is actually Thin Lizzy’s Phil Lynott in disguise! The boys aren’t just back in town, apparently. After what seems like an eternity of jockeying for a felicitous position, redheaded cheerleader #2 finally gets a submission, but she makes a mess of herself in the process. Then again, I don’t know if “ivory mask” works well in this situation; it is about a .2 bukkake, though. In the aftermath, the combatants collapse in a heap, since there’s nothing sadder than a man after he submits and is left limp. This was a good match, but the odd rules and frequent clipping made it hard to enjoy. **1/2

Later, over at the sporting-goods store, Debbie sweeps up and does small jobs, which are probably the only kind of jobs she understands. She isn’t the brightest bulb in the box, you know. Meanwhile, all of the other employed cheerleaders – who aren’t wrestling on a shower floor with four football players – do their respective jobs. Back at the sporting-goods store, creepy Mr. Greenfield once again imagines doing very naughty things to his nubile, neophyte employee. Over at the bookstore, the disco DJ, who may or may not be a Gibb brother, hits on Tammy (Arcadia Lake), his cheerleader-cum-employee. Sometime later, Debbie, who finally may have fired a neuron in that lovely empty head of hers, asks lecherous Mr. Greenfield for a bit of compensation for her labor. He agrees, but he also has a little plan for some bonus money. What is this, Let’s Make a Deal!? Mr. Greenfield’s offer: he has $10 in his pocket, which is Debbie’s if she flashes him. Conveniently, he actually has a $10 in his shirt pocket. After a small bit of cursory protestation, Debbie obliges; Mr. Greenfield, his passions engorged, gets a little fresh with her. In order to keep the fun going, he offers her another $10 – once again, conveniently in his pocket – if she lets him feel her up. Debbie, since she has a date in Dallas in the near future, obliges once more . . . and Mr. Greenfield yet again oversteps his bounds. Debbie, whose insipidness perhaps proves Pavlov’s theory wrong, doesn’t learn from past experience when Mr. Greenfield offers $20 for a taste. Of course, she agrees . . . and then she protests when things get a little weird for her. Hmm . . . in the real world, I think that would’ve been $40 ago, but that’s just me.

Some time after this incident, the cheerleaders once again convene in the locker room, this time to complain about their particularly lecherous bosses. Debbie, eavesdropping the whole time, butts into the conversation, speaking in her usual dialect of run-on sentences. Man . . . Nell ain’t got nothing on Debbie! Debbie, sensing a money-making opportunity stemming from her encounter with Mr. Greenfield, encourages her teammates to become hookers. They’re intrigued by the proposal, but a bit apprehensive, since they’re all virgins. Oh yeah . . . that’s SO believable. Honestly, I’ll suspend my disbelief like anyone and everyone else, but I think that’s going a bit too far. Anyway, Debbie gets them all to agree to their new pact with the condition that they only have to do what they’re comfortable with or what they do with their boyfriends. Well, they could be “technical virgins,” at most . . . it’s always so upright and moral to save one orifice for marriage. Then again, that might not be true, as a banana is conveniently procured, for demonstrative purposes. Sadly, we’re not privy to the lessons, just in case you’re curious about the practice of fruitiality.

Over at the candle store, Roberta (Misty Winter), yet another redheaded cheerleader, cleans things up while wearing a pair of impossibly short shorts. Catherine Bach would be proud. After doing the absolute minimum amount of work possible in a minute, Roberta answers a telephone call from her excitable boyfriend. She gets all misty while talking with him, so she sits down and undresses herself a bit. I guess it’s warm in the candle shop, what with all the flame and such. Then, perhaps to release a bit of pent up tension, Roberta gives herself a massage right there in the middle of the store. She seems to enjoy the massage, so, perhaps delirious with relaxation, she grabs a nearby candle and slips it where a candle shouldn’t be. Meanwhile, I wonder if White Barn or Yankee will ever market that particular scent. They could always call it “odeur de l’amour,” because that sounds quite classier than other choices. Separately, I also wonder if, when Roberta’s finished, the candle will come out lit. That’d be impressive.

Anyway, before Roberta can finish, who should waltz in but Mrs. Hardwick (the quasi-legendary Robin Byrd); instead of firing her young employee or having her arrested for indecent exposure and vandalism (since I’m sure her use of a candle constitutes destruction of property), Mrs. Hardwick comforts her on a conveniently nearby couch. Strangely, Mrs. Hardwick’s methods of lending comfort seem awfully like flirting, which piques the interest of Mr. Hardwick, who just happened to be walking by. He joins the two ladies on the couch, propositions a certain amount of recompense with Roberta, and then – perhaps presumptively – strips. Just what I wanted to see . . . fake Mike Brady preparing to get his freak on. After Mr. Hardwick is satisfied with his state of undress, he and his wife add another duty to Roberta’s job description. Oddly enough, Roberta doesn’t mind the added responsibility; she actually appears to enjoy it. I guess that means she likes to take dictation, then. At the end of this particular job, Mr. Hardwick ends up making a mess all over Roberta’s shoes but, luckily, Mrs. Hardwick is right there to clean it up. Although I think it would’ve been a better idea to grab some paper towels, instead of using her tongue. But who am I to criticize?

Later, two other cheerleaders go over to some guy’s house and wash his car . . . in the rain. Then again, as usual, whenever cheerleaders wash a car, it usually ends up in a playful frolic, and this time is no exception. Then again, what’s the use of getting each other wet . . . in the rain? Methinks they should’ve waited for sunlight, but they might not have had enough time on the shooting schedule. After the girls hose each other off, the owner of the old Benz they’re washing pulls up to find them frolicking together . . . and he looks like fat Gary Cole! Birdman in da house! Actually, Mr. Bradley (David Suton) is outside the house, but I won’t let that bother me. He tells the girls to get inside to dry off and warm up; once in the house, they proposition their employer and agree to strip off their already wet and sheer clothes for $10. Mr. Bradley, since he might not be observant enough to realize that he can already SEE THROUGH their clothes, pays up. The girls undress and reveal that the shag carpeting isn’t only on the floor. Ah, the intricacies of ‘70s interior design.

Mr. Bradley, his curiosity still not satisfied, offers the girls $25 in exchange for a few nuzzles and kisses. The girls agree and, oddly enough, they don’t seem to mind when he slips them the tongue. Sadly, in situations such as these, one girl always seems to be left out; she makes the most of it, though, by keeping herself busy and finding something to do. While Mr. Bradley is working with one of the cheerleaders, the other kindly helps him out of his damp, constricting polyester clothes. Then, perhaps just so that everything’s fair, the cheerleaders repay Mr. Bradley by kissing him . . . just not on the mouth. I must say that that’s awfully generous of them; perhaps cheerleaders are kinder than I once thought. Sadly, Mr. Bradley seems perturbed throughout the entire encounter, as if he has something on his mind. He resolves his misgivings by changing the dynamic in the room; he might’ve also been worried about one of the cheerleaders taking ill, as he checks her temperature in a very unorthodox manner. Just like all the other guys, he makes a mess out of it, but, yet again, there’s someone on hand to clean it all up. Sadly, the cheerleaders can’t stick around for Mr. Bradley’s diagnosis, as he shoos them out of the room out of fear of Mrs. Bradley. Damned party poopers.

Elsewhere, seemingly on the campus of some nearby college, cheerleader Donna (Merril Townsend) and her sexually frustrated boyfriend (Bill Barry, a.k.a. Herschel Savage) – and their New York accents – argue. She goes to work in the college library under the employ of a really creepy librarian (Jack Teague), who seems a little too curious about the cheerleaders’ new “company.” After the creepy librarian goes to his office, Donna’s boyfriend sneaks in. He wants her to take a lunch break with him. She obliges, but the first place she looks for lunch is in his pants. Hmm . . . that’s an odd place to keep a sandwich. She must be really hungry, though, since she’s trying to eat the whole thing all in one swallow. She shouldn’t be that greedy, otherwise she wouldn’t be gagging so much trying to get it down. I guess her eyes are bigger than her throat, to paraphrase a somewhat appropriate idiom. Sadly, she doesn’t really eat much, but she does succeed in getting mayonnaise all over her face. Her boyfriend seems totally oblivious, though; you’d think he’d offer her a napkin or something so she could clean herself up.

Before she has a chance to wipe up, who should walk in on the scene but the creepy librarian! He throws the boyfriend out of the library and tells Donna to go to his office. Once there, he confesses that he’s not pleased with her behavior; he’s not paying her to have lunch on the job . . . and she could’ve gotten mayonnaise all over the books as well. That would’ve been bad. Of course, since he’s a sympathetic boss, the librarian proposes a proper punishment in lieu of telling Donna’s parents: a spanking. Ooh! A spanking! A spanking! Zoot would be proud. Or was it Dingo? During the corporal punishment, the librarian interrogates Donna regarding the girls’ little enterprise; personally, I think his method of questioning violates the Geneva Convention, but that’s just a piece of paper anyway. After doling out his punishment, the librarian calms down . . . and gives Donna another spanking. OK, now I think he’s just doing it because he can. Where’s Mistress Lisa when you need her? Anyway, after the multiple spankings, Donna – now quite rosy cheeked – meets with her relieved boyfriend outside the library and everything’s copasetic.

Meanwhile, at a tennis court, two preppy guys talk about Lisa, a.k.a. Commando Girl. During the conversation, one of the guys reveals that Lisa is so hot because doesn’t wear panties and she’s 16. Whoa! Hold on a second here . . . all these girls are in high school? I feel so dirty. Well . . . dirtier than I usually feel. But really . . . the townspeople should be ashamed of themselves. Unless this has been the town’s dirty little secret for years and no one questions it. Sadly, we never get to see what goes on under the local judge’s robes . . . although I honestly don’t think we would want to, either. Anyway, as if it were planned that way, Lisa shows up and, once she’s settled, one of the preppy guys – the one with the afro, specifically – somehow becomes her pimp. He has Lisa join him and his friend in the steam room and she obliges. Once there, being the gentlemen that they are, they help her out of her hot, sticky tennis dress; in that setting, one must get thirsty, so Lisa then gets a drink from one of the guys. He doesn’t seem to be enjoying her quest for refreshment; his bottle seems a bit limp. It must be the steam.

Back at the sporting-goods store, sleazy Mr. Greenfield feels up Debbie again; this time, instead of offering her various denominations of cash from his shirt pocket, he tells her that he’ll pay for her trip and all of her friends’ trips . . . in return for one favor. Meanwhile, at the bookstore, the disco DJ hits on Tammy, like he usually does. I bet he actually writes that into his day planner:

11:00 – Get a perm.
1:00 – Shine my giant medallion to a gleaming sheen.
1:30 – Hit on Tammy.
2:00 – Late lunch.

Tammy, since she seems to be the only cheerleader with a conscience . . . for the time being, is apprehensive regarding his advances. Wisely, she calls in Lisa for some reinforcements and her panty-eschewing friend distracts the disco DJ so that Tammy can get some work done. While Tammy organizes the stock, Lisa polishes the DJ’s disco ball. I guess Tammy finishes her work early because she joins in and gives Lisa a hand. I hope that’s not actually part of her job; if so, that blows. Luckily for her, it’s not that hard of a job, but she lacks enthusiasm anyway. She’ll never get ahead that way. Then again, I also wonder just how this would look on her résumé; more than likely, it’d just make it all sticky. Lisa, since she’s a bit more enthusiastic, takes over once more, all because teamwork makes a job go faster . . . and this one finishes not long after.

Sometime later, at the sporting-goods store, Debbie comes in wearing her new cheerleading costume. After a cursory search of the premises, she finds a VERY HAPPY Mr. Greenfield, dressed as a somewhat indecent football player. It seems that he’s got a going-away present for her; it must be a big present, since he lays her down on a nearby bench to give it to her. Apparently, whatever this present is, she likes it very much, because she’s very excited about it. Then again, maybe there’s more than one present, as Mr. Greenfield rewards Debbie with a tongue massage, which she also enjoys. He then gives her a bit of an internal massage . . . but that only seems to induce seizures. Pikachu would be proud. After relaxing Debbie with his magic touch, Mr. Greenfield carries her off to another part of the store where he gives her his final gift. He must be reluctant, though . . . he keeps giving it to her and then taking it back. Oddly, Debbie doesn’t seem to mind Mr. Greenfield’s apprehension. That must be some damned good gift. Then, perhaps to make things easier on him, Mr. Greenfield gives Debbie the same gift a different way; maybe that’ll help him relax more and just give it to her. Interestingly, she does enjoy that method so much more; good for her. Mr. Greenfield finally finishes giving her the gift that, seemingly, keeps on giving; they then freak out and the crowd goes wild! No, really.

It’s a bit of a shame that the movie just ends right there; there’s no denouement . . . and I know you all wanted one. It’s also odd that Debbie is never actually in Dallas, totally contradicting the title. I guess we’re just supposed to be glad it’s over and we haven’t been driven insane by Debbie’s bizarre speech patterns. And the bad acting. And the terrible direction. And . . . well, it’s not THAT bad. It’s certainly watchable, if only for its inherent camp; call it a more explicit version of Showgirls if you need to. Honestly, I hope this has made your lonely Valentine’s Day more bearable . . . and I hope we can make this a yearly tradition as well.

Join me next week as we explore the comedic stylings of a neglected manly man; see you then!