Misunderstood Masterpieces: Oscar
Posted by Will Helm on 02.22.2005
…or, When I Think “Wacky,” I Think “Stallone”
Hi, friends. Hopefully there’s no hard feelings from last week. And, if there is, you’ve taken care of them and remembered to use lubrication.
[Rimshot]
Anyway, as you may or may not have noticed, one individual was remarkably absent from my recent manly man movies trilogy: Sylvester Stallone. Why? Well, I had special plans for him. You see, many of his manly man movies are too well-regarded and respected for me to do my duty too. However, and I don’t know why, there is this sick fetish in Hollywood wherein producers just LOVE to put action stars in uncomfortable situations, particularly in WACKY COMEDIES! Yes, because (I’m sure) you all demanded it, we find people like Arnold Schwarzenegger in such faire as Kindergarten Cop or Jingle All the Way and Steven Seagal in Fire Down Below. Oh . . . wait. That wasn’t a comedy? And here I thought it was a wacky farce about the trials and tribulations related to venereal disease. Silly me.
Of course, when it comes to action stars trying their hands at comedy, no actor, at least in my estimation, has a track record as varied and terrible as the legendary star of Rocky and the Rambo franchise: Sylvester Stallone. Beginning with the mind-numbingly atrocious (and, sadly, unavailable on DVD) Rhinestone in 1984, Stallone made sure to add a few comedic offerings to his resume now and then. However, nothing could match the cinematic one-two combination Stallone would have in store for his fans in 1991 and 1992. First, in the former year, he would star in the wacky period comedy Oscar; in the latter year, he would follow up his former farce with the wacky crime comedy Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot. Movies, as it were, would never be the same. In this very column, we’ll study one half of that atypical double feature . . . hang on to your hats!
Back in old tymey time, which may or may not be the 1930s, four stereotypical hoodlums get out of a finely appointed car. It seems that said quartet of hoodlums is merely Sylvester Stallone’s personal umbrella cortege. Stallone climbs the stairs of a rundown brownstone and meets an older woman who is wearing far too much lipstick. Elderly women of the world: cool it with the lipstick! Thank you. Stallone bends to the bedside of his ill father, Kirk Douglas, who is being attended to by friendly Fr. Don Ameche. Ah . . . it’s cameos galore! You have to love being connected in Hollywood. Kirk is on his deathbed, but he finds some time to slap Stallone around and then speak to him in a terrible Italian accent. It is here we learn that Stallone is not Stallone, but notorious crime boss Angelo “Snaps” Provolone, which sounds kind of cheesy to me. Kirk, with his last dying wish, wants his son to go legit and marry Catherine Zeta Jones. Oh wait . . . wrong son. Anyway, Kirk, with his last dying wish, wants Angelo to go legit and give up his life of crime. Angelo promises to do so, so Kirk slaps him one last time and keels off. And there is little rejoicing.
And so, on that lighthearted note, we head to the credits, where a little stereotypical claymation opera singer is there for no particular reason. Also of note: the cast is listed in order of appearance for no particular reason. Then again, perhaps there is a reason . . . do distract me from the name of the director: JOHN LANDIS! Oh no . . . not again. Methinks a Misunderstood Masterpieces Hall of Fame induction lies in someone’s future. Anyway, back in old tymey time, just a month later than last we were, lead hoodlum Boon (Peter Riegert) gets the newspaper and brings it into Angelo’s stately, egregiously sized mansion. Boon yells at his hoodlum brethren in a stereotypical fashion and then reveals the arching plotline du jour: the boss is going legit by buying into a bank. Hmm . . .that’s going legit? I wonder what Eliot Spitzer would say about that.
Elsewhere, some nervous guy (Eddie Bracken) squeals that something’s going down with Angelo to some rival boss (Richard Romanus). Meanwhile, across the street from Angelo’s, a pair of bored cops (Robert Lesser and Art LeFleur) complain about the dull duty of staking out Angelo’s place. They best be on their best behavior, since their commanding officer is none other than Clarence “Red Forman” Boddicker! Yes indeed . . . it’s Kurtwood Smith: Professional Hardass. Rock on. Lt. Hardass knows something’s going on with Angelo – mainly because the nervous guy squealed to him too – so he tells his men to stay put and stay on the case. Oh yeah . . . feel the hardass love.
Later, some nerdy guy (Vincent Spano) pulls up in front of Angelo’s mansion and wants to see his boss regarding a very urgent matter. Hmm . . . maybe Eliot Spitzer is interested in what’s going on, as said nerdy guy just happens to be Angelo’s accountant! I guess he’s been market timing again! Anyway, Boon wakes the quite unhappy Angelo, who orders breakfast and then defines the word “atrium.” Umm . . . yeah. It seems that Angelo is learning new vocabulary for his personal betterment, so – in that vein – the word of the day is “expeditious.” So, kids, if someone says “expeditious,” scream real loud! Pee-Wee would be proud. Anyway, Anthony – or Ant’ny as many Italian-Americans pronounce it – the accountant requests a raise from Angelo, all in the name of love. Angelo moves the conversation to the aforementioned atrium and asks his accountant just who the lucky dame is. Anthony beats around the bush a bit – there’s enough of them around in the atrium – and distracts Angelo with his salary demands: he wants $1000 more in pay a month! Angelo balks, so Anthony tries more hardball tactics and succeeds in garnering $1200 total a month. Not bad. Maybe now he’ll keep Mr. Spitzer off Angelo’s back. Or, maybe not, as Anthony responds to Angelo’s generosity by asking for the hand of Angelo’s daughter in marriage! Dum-dum-DUM!
Angelo, unsurprisingly for a life-long ne’er-do-well, freaks out while dimwitted underling Chazz Palminteri pulls a gun on the bookkeeper. Angelo comes to his senses, confiscates Chazz’s firearm, and calmly refuses Anthony’s request. Anthony tries a different tactic and claims that he can prove his love . . . because he embezzled $50,000 from his boss to give to his ladylove. Anthony explains that it was through a simple mathematical oversight . . . and that when he when to report it to Angelo, he ended up meeting his daughter instead, mainly because Angelo was busy that St. Valentine’s Day. Anthony, since he isn’t too bright, confesses that he would do it all over again because he’s in love . . . and that he and Angelo’s daughter are getting it on as well. Uh-oh. Angelo, again unsurprisingly, freaks out and has Anthony sternly removed from his domicile. Serves that little nerd right.
Angelo, in a familial rage, goes to talk with his daughter, Lisa (Marisa Tomei). It seems that she’s a smoking flapper chick, much to his chagrin. Angelo tells her that he knows all about her “boyfriend” . . . so she responds by flashing him to prove that she’s a grown woman. Umm . . . yeah. Not to worry, incest-fearing readers; she was wearing a nightgown underneath her robe. Whew. Lisa, since she’s essentially a spoiled brat, whines unmercifully because Angelo wants her to marry some other guy; she’s recalcitrant, because she’s a liberated, modern, annoying woman. And just like any modern woman would in this situation, she throws a tantrum as soon as Angelo leaves the room.
Later, Angelo meets with two bickering Italian tailors (Martin Ferrero and Harry Shearer) who are making their last suit delivery. Meanwhile, a group of snooty bankers – some dude, Neidermeyer (Mark Metcalf), the prick from GhostBusters (William Atherton), and Dick Cheney – have lunch together. They’re apprehensive about Angelo’s investment in the bank, but they need the money so everything’s kosher. Back at Angelo’s, Lisa chats with the stereotypical Irish maid (Joycelyn O’Brien). Gee . . . you think the writers are using broad strokes? Anyway, the maid helps Lisa concoct a plan: in order for Lisa to marry whomever she pleases, she should pretend to be pregnant! A brilliant plan! Later, the maid calls Angelo away from his suit fitting for a meeting with his daughter; she confesses that she’s going to a convent . . . because she’s pregnant! OK . . . I’m not going to do the “Dum-dum-DUM!” thing here because we ALL knew that was coming. Angelo, of course, freaks out, which leads to Chazz busting in, gun in hand. Angelo, quite upset with Chazz’s inability to disarm, does it for him, confiscating his lackey’s comically exaggerated portable arsenal. Seriously . . . he had a flail. No word on whether or not it was +2 against hobgoblins, though. Angelo, drama king(?) that he is, threatens to kill himself, but then he acquiesces and allows Lisa to marry the guy. After Angelo has said guy’s legs broken, of course.
Moments later (oh yeah . . . the film’s moving like lightning! I love that!), some other chick (Elizabeth Barondes) shows up at the front door. It seems that she’s madly in love with Anthony! Wha? Angelo takes her into the house and she then explains that she pretended to be Lisa . . . well, Theresa Provlone, Angelo’s daughter. Well that’s just grate . . . I mean “great.” Whew. Angelo, now simultaneously relieved and confused, orders Boon to go find Anthony so the situation can get straightened out; Boon, in response, tells Angelo not to go straight . . . mainly because he’s going through killing-spree withdrawal. It happens to the best of us, you know.
Anyway, moments after Boon exits, who should arrive at the front door but Angelo’s quite perturbed wife Sophia (Ornella Muti); she’s upset because Angelo fired Oscar, the old chauffer – and titular character, and the new guy always leaves the engine running. Har har. Mafia humor is so damned witty. Sophia, after venting this frustration, goes off to see Lisa; after Lisa confesses her misdeeds, she and Sophia blame ANGELO for Lisa’s slutty behavior. Yeah, sure . . . it’s all his fault that his daughter likes to have the bone buried. Right. Anyway, while this drama is going on, Anthony returns to the mansion; Angelo orders a refund of the ill-gotten $50,000. He’s not going to get it immediately, unfortunately, since Anthony wisely has it tied up in precious stones. Angelo sends Anthony out to get them; I bet he’s up to no good.
Moments later, Angelo orders Boon to go find Oscar, but that’s an impossibility, since Oscar enlisted in the Army not long ago. After learning that Oscar is nowhere to be found, Angelo receives more bizarre news: the stereotypical Irish maid is quitting because she’s going to marry the guy Angelo wants to marry Lisa. Confused? Yeah . . . I am too. Damned plotlines. After learning this happy bit of information, Angelo goes back to his fitting, but he is once again rudely interrupted by his angry wife. She wants him to find Lisa a husband . . . and she’s really not happy about it for no particular reason. Meanwhile, Anthony returns to the mansion with the rocks; once he’s there, Angelo tells him that Theresa’s pregnant, so Anthony should give him the stones and marry her. They sign their respective pacts and Angelo brings Anthony to Theresa. Anthony, poor sap that he is, thinks that Theresa’s pregnant and that she really is Angelo’s daughter, but she sets him straight on both matters. Anthony, quite upset from being gulled by his boss, wants his $50,000 back. Theresa, privy to Anthony’s tantrum, freaks out and leaves because she thinks he wants his money more than he wants her. Hmm . . . aren’t we selfish?
Moments later, Anthony catches up with Angelo and orders his shrewd employer to give him his money back. Angelo, perhaps to help Anthony see the faults of his argument, tells his accountant that the two tailors are actually notorious hitmen. Anthony understands what is being inferred, so he’s receptive to Angelo’s next statement: to get the money back, Anthony has to marry Lisa, since he signed a contract to marry Angelo’s daughter. Ah . . . you always have to watch out for that fine print. More on that later. Angelo goes off to get Lisa; in the meantime, Anthony sits down at a piano and starts playing jazz for no reason in particular. Even stranger, the two tailors join him and start playing along. Anthony, realizing that he is suddenly surrounded by a pair of ersatz hitmen, freaks out; he thinks they’re threatening him with bodily harm . . . when all they want to do is sell him a suit. Ah, hilarity.
Outside, in the atrium – or the portico, Anthony and Lisa meet for the first time and they comically can’t stand one another. Meanwhile, Sophia whines to her husband about Anthony’s unworthiness. Back in the atrium, Lisa fools Anthony into thinking that she’s having Oscar’s baby. Whew . . . this is REALLY getting confusing. Anthony, fed up with being duped, walks out on Lisa . . . at least until the wedding. You know . . . there really is nothing like young love. Especially when it’s set up by a gangster.
Alright folks . . . it’s about time for this movie to kick into high gear, since The Greatest Actor in the Universe™ is here! Yes, ladies and gentlemen, back for another engagement in this very column, it’s Tim Curry, this time as cunning linguist Dr. Thornton Poole! The first person Dr. Poole meets after walking through the door is a quite enraged Anthony. With nary a moment’s study, Poole correctly surmises that Anthony comes from New Brunswick, NJ. Ooh . . . maybe he knows Buckaroo Banzai! Anthony, showing that he still does have at least half a brain cell (a wonder for someone from New Brunswick), decides to turn the tables on Angelo and have Dr. Poole marry Lisa in his stead. He proposes the idea to Lisa, who goes along with the plan; less agreeable is Angelo, who still wants his accountant to marry Lisa. Lisa, as always, throws a fit and Anthony, fed up with the current situation, leaves, confounding the police to no end.
Moments after Anthony exits, Fr. Don Ameche arrives; elsewhere in the house, Dr. Poole gives Angelo a speech lesson. Hilarity, as is wont to do, ensues, as Angelo gets a bit too excited about the prospect of eloquent diction. His joy is short-lived, however, as the stereotypical Irish maid comes along and requests her severance; Angelo obliges, but the maid gets something more on her way out as well: she accidentally grabs the bag with the $50,000 of gems! After the maid exits, Angelo explains the Lisa situation to Dr. Poole, who admits that he has always admired her diphthongs. Him and everybody else in town. Angelo decides that Dr. Poole should marry Lisa and, as a dowry, Angelo dumps the maid’s underwear on the desk. Uh-oh. This is a less-than-opportune time for this to occur as, a scant moment later, the maid leaves, probably for good.
After calming his rage over the maid’s mix-up, Angelo meets with Fr. Don Ameche. Halfway into their discussion, Sophia shows up and totally confuses what’s going on, so Angelo helpfully recaps the plot so far. Exposition: ask for it by name! Meanwhile, the maid, surprisingly, returns to exchange Anthony’s suitcase for her own. Elsewhere, Lisa and Dr. Poole have tea together on the veranda; they converse and collectively get to the bottom of what’s really going on in this madhouse. Dr. Poole, charming gentleman that he is, compliments Lisa’s diction . . . and love blooms from that. Hmm . . . who knew it was that easy? Go figure.
Later, Anthony returns yet again and he wants his jewels back! He’s not going to take them forcibly, though; he’s going to pay Angelo for them . . . with $50,000 of Angelo’s money which he also embezzled. Now that I think about it, I guess Angelo is just right for the banking industry. Anthony makes the trade and takes the jewels, leaving Angelo with $50,000 in cash. After Anthony exits, Sophia wants to chat, so Angelo orders Chazz to watch the bag full of cash. Meanwhile, Lisa and Dr. Poole walk around in the backyard, flirting all the while. At the front door, the maid’s creepy Germanic chauffer (Kai Wulf) arrives to pick up his lady’s bag. While Chazz distractedly watches Lisa and Dr. Poole cavort – and who doesn’t want to cavort now and then? – Boon switches the two bags behind Chazz’s back. Boon then gives the $50,000 to the chauffer; why do I get the feeling this isn’t going to turn out well?
Now that love is near full bloom – the Chairman of Trivia would be proud, Dr. Poole tells Lisa that he wants her to go to Brussels with him, since they have some very lovely sprouts. And Jean-Claude Van Damme. Before any trips to the Low Countries can be planned, Angelo wants to have another little chat with Dr. Poole. Once again, Angelo wishes to compensate Dr. Poole for marrying his daughter and, once again, said compensation is a bag full of women’s lingerie. Angelo, rightly, freaks out, but Dr. Poole takes it in stride and actually makes jokes about the situation! You go, Curry . . . you go. Dr. Poole goes to see Lisa and wishes to extricate her from the house; elsewhere, Angelo explains the plot so far to Chazz, just in case anyone in the audience missed it a few moments earlier.
And now, for a return engagement, who should be back at the door but Theresa! Oh geez. The Provolones are pretty popular today. Meanwhile, Boon explains just what happened to the $50,000, so Angelo calls the maid’s new home. Anthony, yet again, returns to the house, which is serendipitous, since Theresa is upset that she walked out on him. Anthony, ironically, is in the next room as she says this, so Angelo has a little talk with him, mostly about the birds and the bees and not embezzling $100,000 from his boss lest he want to live and being a good man for Theresa. Anthony responds by returning the jewels; Angelo repays the recompense by reuniting Anthony and Theresa. How sweet. Too bad she’ll probably kill him a few years hence; that’s always how it works. He’ll go out drinking one night and stumble home to find her and a shotgun waiting for him. Such is life when you’re a mob accountant.
Moments later, a new maid (Linda Gray) shows up, since the Provolones use the world’s most efficient employment service, apparently. Angelo gives her a brief interview, where he discovers some SHOCKING TRUTHS! Truth #1: Angelo and the new maid were lovers back in the day! (I think you know where this is headed already, but bear with me.) Truth #2: Her daughter is marrying a nice young, well-to-do accountant named Anthony Rossano. I know . . . I know. Bear with me, people. Truth #3 (the one you’ve all been waiting for): Theresa really is Angelo’s daughter! Dum-dum-DUMB! Things finally come to some sort of resolution as the maid explains that she gave birth to Theresa in a convent, a revelation which greatly pisses off Sophia. Then again, when isn’t she ticked off? Sophia may be one of the most worthless and annoying characters I’ve ever seen on film. Ugh. Anyway, the new maid explains the whole situation – there seems to be an awful lot of explaining in this act – to Theresa and Anthony, who are both amazed, confused, and elated. Wow . . . complexity. Speaking of complexity, Dr. Poole and Lisa reveal that they’re getting married as well . . . and there is much rejoicing.
That is, until the droll, dull bankers arrive. Sophia, once again, freaks out for no particular reason. Meanwhile, the nervous guy from MUCH earlier in the film calls the rival mob boss and, across the street, the cops are on edge. Angelo meets with the bankers to finalize his investment in their firm. Things seem to be on the up and up . . . until Anthony looks over the fine print of the contract. Good; he learns quickly. It seems that the shrewd but untrusting bankers have included a plethora of insurance clauses in the pact, which leads Angelo to refuse their kind offer of silent partnership. Just as the deal breaks down, Lt. Hardass busts in . . . and he mistakes the bankers for a quartet of Irish gangsters. Oh, silly Lt. Hardass. Speaking of which, it becomes especially silly when the good lieutenant, in his moment of triumph, mistakenly dumps the maid’s unmentionables on the table in a wonderfully tragic photo op. All is not lost, however, as on the way back to the precinct, Lt. Hardass rams into the rival mob boss’ car, allowing him to make a collar after all. Good for him. In the aftermath, the bankers leave, Angelo nixes the idea of going legit, and the girls get married . . . and Oscar shows up at the last minute at the wedding! Oh no . . . not more movie. Luckily for all of us, Angelo has Lisa’s once-paramour ejected from the proceedings . . . and there is – finally – much rejoicing.
I know this may come as a bit of a shock, but Oscar isn’t an original work. Yes, I know that that seems obvious, as it reads like a two-bit Shakespeare set in the world of gangsters and molls. Oddly enough, that isn’t too far from the truth, as Oscar actually comes from a stage play by Claude Magnier. Well, not necessarily directly, since Magnier’s successful Paris comedy had already been adapted into a film once before . . . in France . . . in 1967. I guess original thought isn’t really Hollywood’s strong suit sometimes. It’s a good thing we have Stallone around to make it all better.
Join me next week as we tackle the second offering in the early ‘90s Stallone comedy oeuvre; I’m sure it’ll be a treat for all you fans of The Golden Girls out there!
