Misunderstood Masterpieces: Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot
Posted by Will Helm on 03.01.2005
…or, Oh That Wacky Stallone Family!
Well, not really the Stallone family per se, but at least a reasonable facsimile thereof.
Hi, friends. Welcome, once again to Misunderstood Masterpieces. As you probably know by now, we’re smack dab in the midst of a WACKY Stallone double-dip. Last week, I featured the mob-flavored adaptation of a beloved French farce titled Oscar. This week, I follow up that bit of comedy – and I use that term loosely – with, appropriately, the great Sylvester Stallone’s follow up to the aforementioned film: 1992’s Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot.
Now, I know what you’re thinking: “I can’t believe anyone would be MAD enough to cast Jackie Stallone in a film!” You know what . . . you’re right. Luckily for all of us – although perhaps not, Sly’s dear, demented mum is nowhere near this film. Methinks there may have even been a restraining order involved, but I don’t know for sure. Yes, instead of the wonderful space-cadet antics of the elder Mrs. Stallone, we have an adequate replacement in the form of Estelle Getty, fresh from TV’s The Golden Girls. Although . . . when you think about it, the idea of Jackie Stallone on any form of celluloid is too good a prospect to pass up; now I kind of wish the producers had cast her instead. Anyway, if you’re familiar with Stallone’s “wacky” oeuvre and Getty’s usual shtick, you probably know where this is headed. If you don’t, however, please allow me to help you out . . .
After a “cute” and wacky animated title card, we’re somewhere in a city where we linger on a shot of some random skyscraper. And linger . . . slowly panning. VERY slowly panning . . . down to a car on a random street in a random seedy warehouse district. Inside the car is Sgt. Joe Bomowski (Stallone), stereotypical grizzled cop. So grizzled, in fact, that he whines about staking out some joint and waiting for some hoodlums to arrive. That’s so macho. After what seems like minutes of eternity, the bad guys arrive and Joe gets out of his car to meet them. And, what do we have here but another “I loved you in _____!” moment! This time, it’s the lead bad guy . . . played by none other than Ving Rhames! Next time you come across Mr. Rhames, make sure to tell him “I loved you in Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot!” I’m sure he’ll appreciate it. Anyway, this must be Marcellus Wallace: the early years, as he has a bevy of stole VCR’s in his possession, which is enough evidence for Joe to make the bust. All hell, as per the course in any given Stallone movie, breaks loose, which includes Joe’s partner getting a shard of glass in a place a shard of glass shouldn’t be. Joe, since he is Los Angeles’ very own supercop, gets the bad guys in the end, of course.
Later that night, Joe calls a mystery woman in New Jersey from a bar; whoever is on the other end of the line is curiously packing for some trip. The next day, Joe goes to the station, where some smarmy detective (J. Kenneth Campbell) hassles him about the previous night’s job. After dealing with the prick detective, Joe meets with his commanding officer, HOT CHICK Lieutenant Gwen Harper (JoBeth Williams). She’s unhappy with how things went down the night before, but that might just be because she and Joe may or may not be lovers. Hmm . . . that’s a sexual harassment suit waiting to happen. Actually, this may be a lovers’ spat, as Lt. Gwen is upset because Joe went drinking after work the night before, instead of telling her where he was. Just a wee bit selfish, aren’t we? Since she’s the chief, she knows all, and she knows, specifically, that Joe spent most of the night on the phone; since she’s a detective, she wants to know just who Joe was calling. He, under duress, admits that he was calling his mother. No wonder she’s a bit perturbed with him. Of course, Lt. Gwen doesn’t believe him, so she breaks up with him; he responds by, once again, calling his mother. Hey Joe . . . ever heard of Oedipus?
Sometime later, Joe goes to the airport where there’s a flight coming in from Newark. As the passengers depart, they all reveal that they know Joe. Hmm . . . curious. And why is everyone so familiar with Joe? Because his mother (Getty) let them know EVERYTHING about her son! Isn’t that sweet . . . and embarrassing? Although . . . if Joe couldn’t get in touch with his mother, how did he know that she was coming in to L.A.? Is it some sort of extrasensory maternal perception or something? The world – or just me – wants answers! Anyway, on the road, Joe is distracted by his mother’s presence, since she’s amazed that he’s driving. Well, when you live in Newark, it’s rare to have a car that’s not stolen, so I guess that is amazing. After she gets over the wonderment of the horseless carriage, Joe’s mom explains why she’s in Los Angeles: she wanted to visit her son, whether he liked it or not. He responds by getting ticked off by a broken down tractor trailer. That’s classy.
After venting his frustration with the stuck trucker, Joe – with his mom in tow – heads over to a possible suicide call. He leaves his mom down on the ground as he goes up into the building to talk the guy (Nicholas Sadler) down. While Joe makes a bit of small talk with the suicidal guy, Joe’s mother procures a megaphone and publicly embarrasses Joe while a crowd of hundreds watch. The suicidal guy, realizing that life really isn’t so bad compared to Joe, goes inside, leaving Joe to brave the narrow ledge of life himself. Poor guy.
After his mom’s impromptu breach of police procedure, Joe takes her to his home, which is a bit drab and a bit of a dump, but wholly and completely livable. Of course, like any good mother, it’s not clean enough for her. Then again, is it EVER clean enough? Even if you were to burn it to the ground, it’d still be dirty . . . what with all those ashes and bits of charred wood lying around. Messy. Of course, maybe Joe knew all this, since, while surveying the place, his mother is nearly killed by his junk closet. Hmm . . . well played, Joe. Well played indeed. After Joe’s mom settles down a bit, Joe realizes that one of her overly heavy suitcases is filled with cans of pineapple chunks, just for him. Yes, Joe’s mom is evidently senile. How unsurprising. You know why? Because nothing is funnier than dementia.
VERY early the next morning, Joe’s mom wakes up and vacuums, much to Joe’s sleep-deprived chagrin. Later, while doing laundry, she finds her son’s gun; proving, once again, that she is senile, she washes it in a sink full of dangerously mixed cleaning products. Hmm . . . she could easily blow up the house that way. Or at least melt off a hand. After making Joe’s firearm spic and span, she pulls it on him to wake him up. Joe, unsurprisingly, isn’t happy with her helpfulness. Later, she walks in on him in the shower, much to his dismay, simply because she wants to meet his coworkers. Hmm . . . why do I have the feeling that that isn’t going to turn out well? Anyway, Joe’s mom sends him off to work after a GIANT breakfast – like something you see out of a cereal commercial. Seriously . . . just what kind of appetite to cereal makers think we have a seven in the morning? At that point in the day, all I want is some coffee . . . strong, and lots of it. And maybe a jaunty croissant, but that’s only when I’m feeling especially whimsical.
Uh . . . perhaps I’ve said too much.
After Joe heads off to work, Joe’s mom decides to get him something special as a gift . . . so she goes to a gun shop. Why? Well, she wants to buy her son a new gun, of course. Wow . . . so this is what it’s like on the mean streets of Newark, then. When elderly women clearly have a concept of the etiquette of gun purchasing, you have a serious crime problem. Of course, maybe she isn’t too familiar with the etiquette as the helpful clerk (The West Wing’s Richard Schiff) informs her that there’s the matter of a 15-day “cooling off” period to deal with. Joe’s mom, put out by the development, cancels the sale. Nary a moment later, Joe’s mom meets with a helpful, fat redneck and his partner, who want to sell her an M-16 from the back of their van. She refuses and, meanwhile, some sleazy guys watch from a bridge above the scene. While negotiations are taking place between Joe’s mom and the cuddly arms dealers, the sleazy guys call some executive guy (Roger Rees). He informs them to do . . . something. OK then. Joe’s mom, unsatisfied with the M-16, decides to buy a Mac-10 for her son instead. She walks off, contentedly; in her stead the sleazy guys gun down the redneck’s partner and the redneck drives off into the sunset. Joe’s mom, as the McGuffin device du jour, witnesses everything.
Elsewhere, Joe and his partner have lunch together; well, Joe’s partner has lunch . . . Joe simply chugs a bottle of Pepto-Bismol. To satisfy his partner’s curiosity, Joe goes over his breakfast in all its gory detail. Mmm . . . yummy. Over at the station, Joe and his partner discover that they have a guest: Joe’s mom, murder witness. Joe’s mom, as usual, is embarrassing him with her indecent collection of baby pictures; I’m surprised they don’t send her up for child porn. Edwin Meese would be proud. Joe’s mom, since she’s always looking to get her little boy married, compliments HOT CHICK Lt. Gwen; it’s all for naught, though, as the lieutenant and Joe bicker in her office. It seems that he’s – unsurprisingly – frustrated by his mother’s antics; meanwhile, the lieutenant wants her to stay because she’s a nice woman and a material witness to a capital crime. Joe, since his mommy issues make him paranoid, thinks this is a personal punishment and not rudimentary police procedure. Such is the life of a grizzled, whiney cop.
That night, back at Joe’s, Joe’s mom explains her grand scheme to her son. It seems that, in order to get her son promoted and into the good graces of the police force, she lied to the smarmy cop when he questioned her. Ah, there’s nothing wackier than perjury! Joe, content with his current situation, doesn’t want to get any farther ahead in life; then again, I can’t say I blame him. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to stay in a comfort zone. Then again . . . no risk, no reward. Although I think the only reward in this case would be a suspension from the force and his mother in jail for a very long time. Perhaps that’s on Joe’s mind as he goes to a bank robbery. He valiantly kills the perp . . . and then his mom comes out of the bank, dressed in an apron. Suddenly, Joe has a diaper on and Lt. Gwen says that she’ll change him. Umm . . . she might be a HOT CHICK lieutenant, but coprophilia is WAY too creepy. Luckily, before any weird perversions can break out, Joe wakes up, revealing that – shocking but true – it was all a dream. His mother, kind soul that she is, comes in and offers to tuck him in . . . and then she sings him a lullaby. Oh geez . . . if this turns into Spanking the Monkey, I’m shutting the movie off and using the DVD for target practice.
Luckily, we’re not privy to whether incest breaks out or not – my bet is that it doesn’t, if only because Stallone-on-Getty love is too horrid a concept to fathom . . . even though I just did – but, the next morning, Joe’s mom cooks her son another massive breakfast. While he’s upset with the fact that she lied to the smarmy detective, she soothes his nerves with a surprise present: the Mac-10 she bought off the redneck! Joe, since the idea of his mother purchasing illegal firearms is utterly absurd, freaks out. He orders her to explain everything to the smarmy cop . . . and she does, but in very vague and frustrating ways. Later, she meets with the HOT CHICK lieutenant and they talk about the connection that Lt. Gwen and Joe have. Then they explain the reasons behind Joe’s inability to show emotion (surprisingly, he’s not a cyborg); after their chat concludes, Joe busts in and they both burst into tears. Weird.
After Joe and his mom leave the scene, she tells him that he should tell Lt. Gwen some flowers in order to show her his true feelings for her. Meanwhile, Joe just wants his mother on the next plane to Newark. She short-circuits that thought by offering to let Joe interrogate her, which she helps along by revealing that she has a disturbingly photographic memory. Elsewhere, the sleazy guys reappear, this time hassling some white-trash woman. Luckily for her, Joe and his mom pull up in front; the sleazy guys, sensing trouble as if they were greasy-haired versions of Lassie, make a break for it. Joe, because he’s L.A.’s own supercop, gives chase . . . until the sleazy guys make it to their Cadillac. Joe shouldn’t worry, though, as his mom pulls up with his car and they both give chase on the streets of Los Angeles! Well, at this point I think that the police procedure rulebook is out the window . . . as well as this film’s credibility. Not that it had much to begin with, that is. Joe’s mom, since she is elderly, drives all over the place, but luckily not at five miles-per-hour. Her lack of care is unfortunate, however, as she drives her and her son right into a conveniently open dumpster, allowing the sleazy guys to get away! Dum-dum-DUM!
Later, Joe hands off the information his mom gave him to the smarmy cop; Joe’s mom, sticking up for her son in the face of a jerk, yells at the smarmy cop. The smarmy cop, now faced with the wrath of two Bomowskis, freaks out and he and Joe retire to the nearest lavatory. Once inside, the smarmy cop makes the mistake of insulting Joe’s family, so Joe responds by . . . giving the smarmy cop a swirlie. Wow. Just wow. It’s good to know that Joe is an expert in the martial art of com-ode; that could come in handy whenever he gets into a fight in a bathroom. Anyway, the smarmy cop goes off to complain to Lt. Gwen, but she’s having none of it. Later, over lunch, Joe and his mom discuss the history of the gun she bought. It seems that it comes from a trove of weapons that had mysteriously been “destroyed” in a fire; its existence can mean only one thing: insurance scam. Joe, since the case is finally shaping up, is now proud of his mom . . . for the time being, at least.
Later, Joe goes to chat with the executive guy, who just happens to own the warehouse where the guns were stored. Before Joe enters, the executive guy shoos the sleazy guys into an adjacent room where they hide from the curious cop. Joe, after a few moments of chatting, is rightfully suspicious; before he has a chance to voice his doubts on the matter, his mother busts in abruptly. Then again, whenever you “bust in,” 99% of the time, it’s going to be abruptly . . . but I digress. One of the sleazy guys sneezes in the other room, but the executive guy tries to hide it. Joe’s mom, perhaps as suspicious as her son, threatens to spank the executive guy; meanwhile, Joe just wants permission to see the mysterious warehouse for himself. The executive guy grants Joe’s wish – perhaps to avoid the possibility of a spanking. After the cop and his mother leave, the executive guy scolds the sleazy guys and tells them to take care of this little problem. Of course, they say they’re going to take care of everything . . . like they will. They never do. Why are henchmen always, by trade, bumbling anyway? They must have a strong union to keep them employed.
Over at the mysterious, burned-out warehouse, Joe’s mom is still suspicious . . . so Joe responds to her apprehensions by locking her in the car. Joe enters the warehouse to look around; back in the car, Joe’s mom radios the police dispatcher, who tells her that, to get out of the car, she needs to find a slim jim.
Oooh yeah! Miss Elizabeth! I’m comin’ for you Steamboat! Oooh yeah! Umm . . . sorry Randy; wrong slim jim. Oooh no! Say “Hi” to Leapin’ Lanny for me, though.
Anyway, back inside the warehouse, Joe – at wit’s end – pulls a gun on his mother, who must’ve escaped the car in a very rapid fashion. After things settle down, they bicker for a bit, until they are rudely interrupted by a wrecking ball swinging through the wall of the warehouse! Joe and his mom narrowly escape the implement of demolition and then Joe triumphantly and unbelievably shoots it down. Yeah . . . that’s so realistic. Meanwhile, the sleazy guys try to escape, so Joe’s mom, who’s also armed, shoots at them. This very moment, then, gives Joe an opportunity to say the film’s title . . . and I bet he’s so proud. While the sleazier of the two guys gets away, Joe catches up with the husky, sleazy, sneezy guy and takes him downtown. Or uptown. I don’t know where the warehouse is in relation to the police station. Once there, Lt. Gwen makes out with him . . . mainly because his mom sent her a room full of roses. Joe is rightfully upset by his mother’s interference, but Lt. Gwen doesn’t see it that way as she slaps Joe in plain view of everyone. Yup . . . it’s time for that sexual harassment lawsuit. You go, Joe!
Later, Joe goes back home and scolds his mother for her insolence. He then runs down a list of rules for her to follow now that she’s in his domain. Joe’s mom, since she’s a mom, responds by lecturing her son because she thinks he’s afraid to love Lt. Gwen. That wouldn’t be surprising, since quite a few men fear women in positions of power. Joe’s mom then goes on to elaborate that she wants Joe to get hitched because she’s lonely up in Newark and she doesn’t want him to end up like she is . . . which I suppose is another way of saying that she wants to live vicariously through her son. Joe, after his mother’s grand speech, responds with a totally unimportant plot twist: Lt. Gwen dumped him! Honestly . . . like it matters at this point.
Joe, his mental state in shambles, finds solace in the station and in a bottle of whiskey hidden there. Then, as he is probably quickly nearing a nervous breakdown, he starts talking to himself. Luckily, before he can inflict any bodily harm to himself, Lt. Gwen finds Joe and they share a drink together. Hmm . . . how long before the “sex-o-phone” starts playing? You’d think this was an erotic thriller or something like that right now. Instead of getting it on atop the desk, Joe instead apologizes to Lt. Gwen about the incident with the roses. He then begins repeating his mom’s speech, nearly word-for-word . . . and Lt. Gwen falls for it hook, line, and sinker. Damned ovaries! Joe, instead of being happy at winning back the heart of his lady-love, is upset because he realizes that his mother was right all along. Yeah, that happens.
Meanwhile, somewhere in the city, the executive guy writes a suicide note and then he talks with the non-incarcerated sleazy guy about it. It’s all a clever ruse to expedite their escape . . . well, the executive guy’s escape, as, after the sleazy guy writes his own note, the executive guy tosses him out a window. Of course, the plan would probably work so much better if the executive guy didn’t then grab the sleazy guy’s suicide note, getting incriminating fingerprints all over the document. Bill Curtis would be proud.
The next morning, Joe discovers that his apartment is empty, as his mother has decided to go back to Newark a bit early. Joe rushes to the airport to catch up with his mom; he finds her riding on the back of a baggage cart. Joe gives chase and explains everything that’s gone on in the past twelve hours to her and then he tells her that he wants her to stay in L.A. with him. She agrees . . . and then she tells him he should’ve proposed to Lt. Gwen the night before. Joe freaks out at his mother’s suggestion and sends her back to Newark; she rebels against her son’s wishes – yet again – and chases after him instead. She finally relents to Joe’s draconian rules just so that she can stay with her son. Aww . . . how sweet.
After the not-so-tearful reunion at the airport, Joe and his mom return home, only to find it broken into. Joe, once again, leaves his mom outside so that he can do some reconnaissance. She, of course, doesn’t listen, and in doing so she helpfully knocks out the burly redneck guy from earlier in the picture. Good for her. Later, over lunch, the redneck guy – who is remarkably well-behaved – explains to Joe and his mom where the guns are coming from. Joe, spurred on by the impromptu plot development, gets going on the case, but not before handcuffing his mom to the redneck guy for her own good. Hmm . . . next thing you know, she’ll be tattooed and riding the back of a Harley halfway to Sturgis. That’s always how things like this happen, you know. Later, with Joe safely out of the house, Joe’s mom greases up her hand and wrist and . . . slips free of the handcuffs. And what were you thinking? Sickos. The redneck guy goes upstairs to get his guns, but he falls victim to Joe’s mom’s cast-iron skillet of doom! She takes his guns and handcuffs him to a banister; then she goes off in search of her son . . . and adventure!
Over at a random, abandoned airport, Joe watches as forklifts load a bevy of boxes onto a plane. Moments later, the executive guy pulls up to oversee the operation. Joe, sensing now is the time for action, calls for backup. Meanwhile, on the other side of the airport, Joe’s mom drives up in the van she stole from the unconscious redneck; of course, she gets captured by the executive guy’s lackeys. OLD LADY IN PERIL! They put her on the plane, much to Joe’s chagrin. Joe responds to the executive guy shanghaiing his mom by stealing a nearby, rusted truck and PLAYING CHICKEN WITH THE PLANE! OK, now this is getting a wee bit unbelievable. Joe swerves at the last moment, but in such a way that he can successfully spin around and REAR-END THE PLANE! Something tells me this is going to get worse before it gets better. Joe drives the truck through one of the landing gear and a propeller, disabling the plane. Joe crashes his truck, but he waits around just so that he can knockout some hoods. He finds himself captured, unfortunately, leading to the executive guy freaking out and pulling a gun on our hero. Just when you think the TENSION has reached its highest point, the scene is shattered when Joe’s mom pulls out a piece and blows away the executive guy. Well, she really just shot him in the shoulder, but it sounds far more dramatic that way, doesn’t it?
Sometime later, Joe and Lt. Gwen escort Joe’s mom through the airport once again. Geez . . . how much of this movie takes place at an airport anyway? It turns out that in the intervening time between the last airport incident and the present, Joe and Lt. Gwen got engaged, which probably means that she had to give up her position on the force. Oh well . . . it’ll give her more time for housework! It seems that, unsurprisingly, Joe’s mom is heading back to Newark; beforehand, however, she spots another miscreant in the airport and Joe gives chase when the perp pulls out a gun. Joe, since he’s still L.A.’s own supercop, catches him and his mom reveals what the original crime pertaining to this fugitive is: he shot his mother! [cue wacky music and closing credits]
Wow. That’s all I’ve got to say. This has to be one of the worst comedies I’ve ever covered in the pages of this column. Of course, I’m not alone in that conclusion; Sylvester Stallone refers to this as the worst movie he’s ever been in. Chew on that little tidbit for a while. And, if what I’ve read is true, the filmmakers actually had to lie to Estelle Getty and tell her that there were no guns in the picture – titled Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot, mind you – just to get her to sign on the dotted line. If there is one saving grace about this movie, it’s just that it’s short . . . and, when you’re dealing with a Misunderstood Masterpiece, that’s never a bad thing.
Join me next week as I cover a film of which a film I recently covered was a loosely related sequel. Confused? You won’t be . . . in just seven days! And then, the week after, something a century in the making: REVENGE!
