Misunderstood Masterpieces: Masters Of The Universe

Posted by Will Helm on 03.08.2005

…or, How Long Will It Be Until I State the Obvious?

Not very long, I reckon.

For those of you who experienced childhood in the mid-‘80s, there were a plethora of weekday cartoons/incognito toy commercials for your perusal. We all remember the classics, like the legendary G.I. Joe, our favorite “real American hero.” Ah, there’s nothing like a little good, old-fashioned jingoism on a weekday afternoon. Then, for the more technologically inclined, who could forget The Transformers; the power of their franchise alone made more money than meets the eye . . . as well as a remarkably sub-par movie. Other than those two certifiable classics, there was a third major series that captured the hearts and minds of children across the land: He-Man and the Masters of the Universe. When looking back on it, He-Man really should have been the odd man out; compared to G.I. Joe or The Transformers, He-Man featured lackluster animation and, most of all, remarkably chintzy toys. Honestly, the only really cool features of the toys were that you could squeeze the figures’ rubber heads and then pop off their arms and exchange them. Yes, everyone, I’m sure, enjoyed playing Dr. Frankenstein with their He-Man action figures. Of course, there was also something else going on . . . something below the surface; when you’re a kid, you don’t notice these things, but when you grow up it becomes plainly obvious. What is it? Well . . .

He-Man – Adam, the Prince of Eternia – wasn’t a prince at all, but a flaming queen.

There. I said it. Don’t believe me? Just take a gander at what’s going on in just the introductory monologue to the show:

I am Adam, Prince of Eternia and defender of the secrets of Castle Grayskull. OK, fine enough so far. This is Cringer, my fearless friend. For those of you not in the know, Cringer was a callow green tiger. Yes, one of his best friends is a cat. Just a wee bit suspicious, isn’t it? Fabulous secret powers were revealed to me the day I held aloft my magic sword and said ‘By the Power of Grayskull . . . I have the power! Alright . . . honestly. Who says “fabulous”?!? And without a hint of sarcasm, either? Ugh. Cringer became the mighty Battle Cat Right. He’s into role-playing too, I guess. And I became He-Man, the most powerful man in the universe! Sure, pal. And I’m sure the most powerful man in the universe would wear a pageboy haircut, furry briefs, and S-and-M gear featuring a red cross in the middle. Whatever you say there, Adam.

So, even though there was quite a bit evidence of He-Man’s alternative tendencies, the cartoon was a hit. And, just like all hits, Hollywood came calling with the possibilities of cinematic glory. One problem: it wasn’t a cartoon film that they called for, but a live-action movie! Uh-oh. The possibilities of box-office success were high, though . . . if the movie wasn’t 1) release the year AFTER He-Man and the Masters of the Universe ceased production and 2) wholly awful. Don’t believe me? Let me explain further . . .

Somewhere, probably Eternia, some voice-over guy mumbles while we pull closer and closer to a matte painting of a highly stylized Castle Grayskull. OK . . . this is one thing I never realized as a kid, but I realize now: why is it that Castle Grayskull was the good guys’ castle? I mean, skulls are usually used as the symbol of evil and foreboding, so it’s odd to see it associated with heroism. Oh . . . and there’s also the fact that the main villain of the He-Man universe is Skeletor . . . as in “skeleton”! Anyway, after the voice-over guy completes his spiel, we’re treated to some rainbow-flavored credits – He-Man . . . gay? No way – and a Bill Conti score. And then, just because someone, somewhere probably asked for it, the credits explode! Ooh . . . exciting.

Moments later, inside Castle Grayskull, the aforementioned Skeletor (Frank Langella), dressed as an ersatz pope, walks into the main chamber, banging his stick of power on the marble floor the whole way. After making his grand entrance, our skeletal villain yells at some drunk chick (Meg Foster) who just happens to have armored breasts. I guess that’s to protect her from Beast-Man’s haphazard pawing. Skeletor, after taking out his aggressions on his inebriated henchwoman, then makes fun of the imprisoned Sorceress (Christina Pickles), the rightful lady of Castle Grayskull. Well, she might not be the rightful lady after all, since she’s dressed as a Santa Fe hippie, complete with a quartz-festooned headdress. I bet she got that in Taos; it’s just a guess. And she has a ton of silver and turquoise bracelets in her Eternian dresser, too. Skeletor, since he may be a hippie under all that terrible make-up, magically gives the Sorceress an orgasm. After the mystical coitus, Skeletor than broadcasts himself on a holographic television for all on Eternia to see. You know he’s just going to brag about getting it on; that’s how it always works.

Among those on the surface of Eternia watching Skeletor gloating is none other than He-Man (Dolph Lundgren) and his magical, all-powerful mullet. Both our hero and his mullet are perturbed by Skeletor’s announcement, so He-Man responds by beating up some fake stormtroopers and rescuing a gnome (Billy Barty) . . . who just happens to remind me of one of the annoying gnomish figures from Legend! Now that was a long time ago! Wow! Anyway, He-Man, accompanied by his usually running buddies Teela (Chelsea Field) – a.k.a. “beard” – and Duncan (Jon Cypher), the Man-at-Arms . . . probably so named because He-Man always needs a man at arm’s length, follows the cranky, blabbering gnome back to his house, wherein he has many, many wacky gadgets and, his pièce de résistance: a freaky dildo-looking contraption. Actually, said creation is not a sex toy at all, but a so-called “cosmic key” . . . or so says the gnome through his unmoving latex lips. Somehow, while the gnome rambles on and on, the drunk chick and her goons show up . . . and they almost steal the key! Dum-dum-DUM!

In response to the very rude raid, He-Man and the gang – no relation to Kool – go to the castle; once there, they chat with the captured Sorceress, who seems to have a voice-distortion box in her energy cell with her. The Shockmaster would be proud. While He-Man and his friends have their tête-à-tête, Skeletor shows up. Then, like two bickering old queens, he and He-Man trade pointed barbs at one another. Skeletor, since there’s only so much emoting you can do when you’re just a skull, overacts and then exposes himself. I mean “provides exposition.” Whew. Skeletor then reveals that he wants He-Man – hopefully not in the carnal sense – and then all hell breaks loose in the castle’s main chamber. While an intense firefight breaks out (featuring terrible special effects), the gnome plays with the “cosmic key” and opens a portal in the middle of the room. Since they’re not used to actually being shot at, our “heroes” – and I use that term loosely – jump through into the unknown! Oh, and I’d be remiss in not mentioning that, on the way through the portal, the gnome drops the key, but he gets it back with his amazing grappling hook . . . that seems to be on the end of a seat belt. Yeah, a seat belt. From a car. Yep.

Later, in a swamp that may or may not be off an exit of the New Jersey Turnpike, the good guys land unceremoniously. They all join together to rescue the gnome, who is now upended in the muck; the gnome responds to their kindness by shooting water from his ears. The good guys, now drenched with gnome earwax, scold the gnome for getting them lost in the middle of nowhere on some mysterious planet . . . I wonder which planet it is? As if the great cinematic gods were listening, the answer comes in the form of a cow. In the middle of the woods. Yep. After encountering the massive bovine life-form, He-Man plots a way to get out of there, which does nothing but tick off a very whiney Duncan. Sigh . . . what a queen! The heroes, who haven’t really done anything particularly heroic as of yet – other than saving the annoying gnome, split up, probably to do more unheroic and mundane things individually.

Meanwhile, at some very derelict restaurant in the middle of nowhere, Courtney Cox serves up her last chili dog. It seems that she’s quitting her dead-end job and going to New Jersey to find some fun and excitement. Because when I think “fun and excitement” . . . I think “New Jersey.” Anyway, Courtney, in order to exacerbate the start of her new life, also plans on dumping her erstwhile boyfriend Kevin Corrigan! Alright! Baby Christopher Walken in da house! OK . . . so it’s not really the great Kevin Corrigan; it’s just some dude (Robert Duncan McNeill). Damn. While Courtney plots her future inside the restaurant, Duncan watches from the outside. Moments later, Teela, who is also Duncan’s daughter – making their relationships with He-Man all the weirder, sneaks up behind him. They both watch as, in an adjacent bush, the gnome steals a bucket of ribs from the back of a convertible using his trusty grappling hook. Duncan and Teela join the gnome and partake of some yummy barbecued goodness . . . until Teela freaks out because they’re eating meat. Damned vegetarians.

Elsewhere, at the local cemetery, Courtney and Kevin hang out and get all melodramatic. Oh good . . . they’re almost Goths at this point. Actually, there’s a reason for the pathos: Courtney’s parents died tragically an indeterminate time prior to the film. Ooh . . . backstory. After this not-so-shocking secret is revealed, Courtney and Kevin discover the missing key in a suspiciously empty grave. Kevin, since he is a fully functioning idiot, thinks it’s a Japanese synthesizer; meanwhile, Skeletor gloats back in Eternia. Kevin, because he can’t leave well enough alone, toys with the key, since he just happens to be a musician as well as a buffoon. Back in Eternia, Skeletor, taking a tip from Darth Vader, rounds up some stereotypically scarred and maimed mercenaries to do . . . something. It’s not really clear what their mission is, but I’m sure they’ll complete it to the best of their ability.

Back on earth, Kevin goes off into the nondescript town to find his nerdy musician buddy. Meanwhile, the mercenaries show up in the high school where Courtney just happens to be waiting for Kevin! And then they beat up a kindly, creepy janitor too! The mercenaries make their way through the high school, blowing up random things and then chasing a fleeing Courtney. Meanwhile, He-Man, in all his masculine, mullet-wearing glory, jogs down a street. Yeah. Elsewhere, Courtney runs through a random industrial district that just happens to be adjacent to the high school and she conveniently collides with He-Man. Ah . . . good for her, although she’ll never be able to get his chest grease out of her clothes. That stuff stains terribly! He-Man, after consoling Courtney with the awesome power of his oily pectorals and well-feathered mullet, stalks the mercenaries and a rather undramatic fight breaks out. He-Man, surprisingly, is almost subdued (I bet he likes it that way) but the rest of the good guys show up to run off the mercenaries. And there is some rejoicing. Yay.

Meanwhile, in town, Kevin meets with his dorky music shop-owning buddy Charlie (Barry Livingston) and our earth-bound hero shows his friend the “cosmic key.” Charlie, proving that he is perhaps dumber than Kevin, agrees with his compatriot by stating that the “cosmic key” is probably a Japanese synthesizer. Before they can prove their stupidity further or just start randomly making out, they both witness a fleet of police cruisers and fire trucks speed by in the direction of the high school. Kevin and Charlie give chase and find the high school in a grossly burnt-up state. Kevin freaks out out of worry for his beloved Courtney but, luckily for him, hardass cop Det. Lubic (James “Mr. Strickland” Tolkan) is on hand to console him. Elsewhere, a now safe and sound Courtney is introduced to the rest of He-Man’s crew and pleasantries are exchanged . . . until the gnome drives up in a cherry ’57 Bel Air which he just happened to make environmentally friendly in the span of five minutes or so. He’s a nifty little gnome; I’ll give him that.

Back in Eternia, Skeletor gets some comforting or fellatio from the drunk chick; it’s apropos as, midway through whatever she’s doing, the mercenaries return to the castle, utterly defeated. Skeletor, since he’s merciful, spares three of the four mercenaries but he sends a message by nuking the gesticulating lizard guy. Of course, because Skeletor is also a hard-driving type-A personality, he gets ticked off at the rest of the mercenaries . . . and the drunk chick as well! I guess her oral skills aren’t good enough for our bony antagonist. Over on Earth, hardass Det. Lubic runs over the curb in front of Courtney’s house and then he and Kevin break AND enter in search of Kevin’s lady-love. Meanwhile, Courtney calls the house and Kevin picks up the phone; he tries to get Det. Lubic off the case by pretending not to know Courtney is on the other end. Not very well, of course, because Lubic is still curious throughout the entire phone call. Courtney, since she may actually be a sensible character now, tells Kevin to stay put and she and the heroes will come along to pick him up. Hmm . . . why do I get the feeling that Kevin and the detective aren’t going to remain there?

Actually, Kevin and the cop do stay in the house – surprisingly – but Det. Lubic proves that he may be just as moronic as Kevin and Charlie because he, possibly bored out of his wits, picks up the “cosmic key” and starts fooling with it. This, in turn, leads to the drunk chick, who is now on Earth, tracking down the key’s whereabouts . . . after she uses her mystical time-rewinder to watch the mercenaries have their butts handed to them by He-Man earlier in the film. It’s so nice of the movie to recap for us, isn’t it? Meanwhile, back at Courtney’s, Kevin heats up some ribs in a microwave; the microwave, in turn, jams the signal of the drunk chick’s amazing key finder. The drunk chick, therefore, responds by using another doohickey to somehow cause the microwave to explode! I guess she wants Kevin to eat healthier, then. Unsurprisingly, when small kitchen appliances suddenly conflagrate, hardass detectives freak out and Det. Lubic is no exception. Kevin, meanwhile, attempts to solve the troubles by talking to nerdy Charlie. Lubic, instead of listening to reason or a virginal geek, confiscates the key and runs off to parts unknown!

Unfortunately for Kevin, just after Lubic splits the scene, the mercenaries bust into the house; our “hero” tries to fend them off with a wad of paper towels, but the mercenaries fight through that and beat him up anyway. Then they interrogate him and find out nothing particularly interesting except for the fact that now the cop has possession of the key. The mercenaries, led by the drunk chick, exit and our crew of heroes enters moments later, long after the nick of time has passed. They get Kevin out of his restraints, which probably isn’t a good thing, since he immediately freaks out nary a minute later. Luckily for him, Courtney is on hand to explain everything that’s going on; meanwhile, the plucky little gnome comes back from wandering around the house dressed as a drag queen – See! I told you all! Kevin, rather than being entertained by a cross-dressing gnome, instead regrets finding the mysterious Japanese synthesizer – I mean “key” – in the middle of the cemetery.

Elsewhere, back in town, Lubic chats with nerdy Charlie about the origins of the Japanese synthesizer . . . I mean “key.” Lubic, since he’s a red-blooded, ill-tempered American male, doesn’t think that the key is a musical instrument at all . . . but a Russian nuclear device! Wow . . . I wonder what decade this film was made in? Moments after Lubic’s startling misinterpretation of the situation, the rest of the good guys show up, making Lubic quite indignant. Then, just to make things much more complicated, the bad guys arrive too and all hell, as usual, breaks out. While He-Man, Teela, and Duncan fight off the attackers, Courtney, Lubic, Kevin, Charlie, and the gnome retreat to a back room where the gnome just sits there talking to himself while playing with the key. He then explains the “music of the universe” – or words to that effect – to Kevin, since he just happens to be a musician. Meanwhile, Lubic, since he is a red-blooded, ill-tempered, jump-to-conclusions American male, deduces that our heroes are some sort of cult. Yeah . . . alternative lifestyles have been called that at times.

While a gunfight goes on in the store, Teela takes time to pester the gnome who is quite preoccupied with fixing the key. Meanwhile, He-Man and Duncan joke around, probably about that one time they went to Fire Island together. Teela, fresh from scolding the gnome, gives Kevin a gun and tells him to guard our little gnomish comic relief character. She then goes up to the front of the store in order to help He-Man with a woman’s touch; unfortunately, he doesn’t seem terribly impressed or enthusiastic. Back in the back, Kevin and Lubic get into an argument; while that distraction is taking place, Courtney looks out of a window and sees her dead mother walking down an alley. Oh . . . so she didn’t die; she became a hooker. Which would mean her father . . . gives new meaning to the term “pimp daddy.” Anyway, Courtney, since she’s a girl and – thus – easily manipulated by her emotions (ah, I do love film stereotypes!), goes to chat with her dead mother. It seems that her mom wants the key for herself . . . how her mom would know that the key is even there, considering she’s been dead for most of the picture, is beyond me or Courtney. Questions, girlie . . . questions! Courtney’s mom takes time out to condescend her. Even in death she’s a bitch. Back inside, the gnome shoots at Kevin and Lubic, ceasing the annoying bickering. Guns don’t kill people, gnomes kill people.

While Lubic, Kevin, and the gnome sort out their troubles, Courtney swoops in and steals the key. She brings it to her mom, who just happens to transform back into the armored-breasted drunk chick. Oops. Score one for Skeletor’s team! Humans are soooo stupid. Meanwhile, the gnome alerts He-Man to Courtney’s crime; elsewhere, nerdy Charlie freaks out and gives Lubic a shotgun that he had stored underneath the counter up front. Lubic, now armed – but really not that dangerous, bites off more than he can chew, which is pretty much what we all expected him to do anyway. Elsewhere, the drunk chick uses the key – which she just happens to know how to operate – to open another portal, through which Skeletor and his hovering surfboard-riding henchmen exit. Upon reaching Earth, Skeletor and the drunk chick talk into blacklights for no reason in particular. Maybe that’s some sort of sexual thing . . . I don’t know quite how Eternian villains do it.

While all of this commotion is going down on Main Street, He-Man and the rest of the heroes flee to nowhere in particular . . . and, once there, they immediately have the bright idea of going to the roof. Why? Why? Why? Why must they ALWAYS go up to the roof?!? They’ll never learn. En route, He-Man steals one of the hovering surfboards and then he transforms into a bad special-effects version of himself and steals the key from the drunk chick. He then plays surfboard chicken with one of Skeletor’s henchmen; he ends that endeavor by hitting the henchman with his sword, causing the henchman to immediately immolate! Who knew henchmen were filled with hydrogen?

While He-Man is being extreme, Skeletor calmly hovers his way up to the roof where the rest of the good guys are “hiding.” He coolly asks the gnome why he’s caused all this trouble – Skeletor gets philosophical from time to time – and then, before we get an answer, He-Man shows up serendipitously. In order to distract our heroes from the task at hand, Skeletor shoots Courtney in the leg with his evil, magical lightning. Yet another mass fight breaks out . . . until He-Man gives up for no reason in particular. Probably just to lengthen the movie, honestly. Afterwards, everyone is sad as Skeletor leaves with a captive He-Man and Courtney is sick with magical gangrene as well. Dum-dum-DUM! On the streets, the skeptical, cynical uniformed police officers make fun of the seemingly hallucinating Lubic.

Now that chaos is all around him and his nearly ex-girlfriend may have to have a leg amputated and an exorcism, Kevin gets all “sensitive.” I think it’s actually from being around He-Man for so long, personally. Kevin then reveals, in a great plot moment, that he has key’s inherent melody memorized but, sadly, he’s insecure of his musical talents. Being in a poseur high school punk band can do that to you. The gnome, playing the voice of reason, gives him a pep talk . . . because when I want pep, I’m listening to the nearest gnome. Back in Eternia, Skeletor is – unsurprisingly – gloating about his seeming victory. He becomes Shakespearean in his celebration, leading to the rapidly aging Sorceress telling him off. Skeletor ignores her idle threats and takes He-Man’s sword and locks it up beside his throne. Ha . . . that’ll teach her to smart-mouth! His henchmen then entertain him and themselves by whipping a chained and bound He-Man. Ah . . . I didn’t know Mel Gibson directed this. The Passion of the He-Man indeed.

Back on Earth, Kevin snags a bitchin’ keyboard and the gnome hooks it up to the key. They then have a bit of a jam session together for no reason in particular. Once again in Eternia, He-Man and Skeletor get all biblical – see . . . I was right! On Earth, Lubic shows up to bust up the good guys’ party just as they were reactivating the key. Over in Castle Grayskull, Skeletor uses the mystical power of the building to turn all radioactive, allowing him to say the name of the movie and then confess that he feels the cosmos. Oh cool! So he plays Katamari Damacy too? The King of all Cosmos would be proud. After this episode, Skeletor becomes Super Skeletor, some sort of god-like thing with wicked cool gold armor. You know you all so totally want that action figure. Then, just because he can, Skeletor shoots the captive He-Man with his newfangled eye beams.

On Earth, the gnome finally gets the key to work, taking all of our heroes back to Eternia . . . including Lubic, who really didn’t want to go. They miraculously pop back into Castle Grayskull just in the nick of time . . . but all hell breaks loose anyway. A melodramatic firefight follows, during which He-Man and Skeletor bicker like two aging queens once again. Then they fight . . . slowly, climaxing in He-Man triumphantly breaking Skeletor’s stick and then knocking the villain down an endless pit. And that’s it. Wow. All that movie just for that? Luckily, we do have a denouement to contend with. After all is settled, the newly reinvigorated Sorceress gives Courtney a little ball filled with detergent and Lubic decides that he’s staying in Eternia because Eternian girls are hot. Well, except for Teela and her mullet. And the Sorceress, who looks like she smells of patchouli. But there’s some other Eternian HOT CHICK there to console him, so all is well. The gnome then sends Courtney and Kevin back to Earth and there is much rejoicing back in Eternia. Meanwhile, on Earth, Courtney wakes up in her nightgown in bed . . . before her parents have died! Oh no! The gnome is messing with the space-time continuum! Courtney, since she now knows the future, steals her parents’ car keys so that they can’t die in a fiery plane crash and runs out of the house like a mad woman. She runs into Kevin and they caress and make out . . . even though really Courtney, by her actions, totally negated the entire movie! It’s alright, though, as He-Man and Eternia apparently rest in her little ball of detergent. Good for her.

Though it’s doubtful this could ever have been a good movie, it definitely could have been better. Why? Well, supposedly, the entire production was plagued with financial problems, leading to a shooting schedule of stops and starts. Apparently, the “climactic” showdown between He-Man and Skeletor was actually filmed months after principal filming ended, due to budget constraints. The film was also supposed to be set entirely on Eternia, but that was also scaled back. Note to future filmmakers: if you can’t afford to make the movie, don’t make it. Otherwise, you’ll just get Masters of the Universe, yet another Misunderstood Masterpiece.

Join me next week, dear readers, as I provide for you a milestone and some sweet, sweet revenge against what might be my most hated movie! See you then!