A Fool's Utopia 2.26.09: Birthday Extravaganza

Posted by Ron Martin on 02.26.2009

This week in one man's utopia we look at all things birthday. We take a special look at some sitcom birthday clichés, get some special pre-recorded birthday wishes, update The Office, lament over a bad NES trade from twenty years ago, watch TMZ get political, talk 80s board games and back by popular demand, more Boo Berry. Welcome to the party, and don't forget your hat.

Let's get it out of the way off the bat….

Happy Birthday To Me! From time to time we may have some people dropping in throughout the column to wish me a happy birthday. Do not be alarmed, it happens all the time.



In honor of the anniversary that I put my mom through hellish experiences many, many, many years ago – before the Mayans even thought of making a calendar, we're going to look at some sitcom birthday staples.

Though Lucille Ball was famously 29 forever, this episode of Friends tackled turning 30 with hilarious results. All-in-all there are about 2 ½ seasons worth of episodes of Friends that are actually funny. There really was no in between with this show, either the episode was hilarious or it was sickeningly not funny at all. By 2001, there was a whole lot more of the latter than the former. However, "The One Where They All Turn 30" got it right and I probably the best episode from that season. Rachel is finally the last one to turn 30 (though by continuity in the show this should have been her 33rd birthday, but who's paying attention?) and the ‘friends' are having a party. During the party we get flashbacks to the other's 30th birthdays. Monica gets drunk, Joey freaks out, Ross goes through a mid-life crisis and Phoebe finds out that she is actually 31. This one of the episodes that is hilarious throughout…even before the credits.




Bad Luck…


No one on this planet has worst luck on her birthday than Buffy Summers. In fact, her birthdays are so bad that it became a running theme on Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Season Two was when get Buffy's first birthday episode, "Surprise/Innocence" and the bad luck birthdays get started off with a bang. Buffy loses her virginity to the love of her life, Angel. Sounds good right? Oh, it has the side effect of causing him to lose his soul and hunt down and kill Buffy and her friends until she can send him to hell (literally). On her 18th birthday, she is betrayed by her watcher and left for dead in a house with a maniac vampire while all her powers are drained. It only gets better from there as her watcher gets turned into a demon and she almost kills him on birthday #20. On the big 2-1, her little sister finds out that she is not real and Buffy has to save her from the clutches of a demi-God. The same sister would cause a vengeance demon to hold Buffy and partygoers in a house without hope of getting out until said vengeance demon is tricked into undoing her vengeance spell by a former vengeance demon. After that, Buffy stopped celebrating birthdays and I can't say that I blame her. Now if we could just get rid of those terrible Season Eight comics…

Disliked Old Friend…


For "Cliff's 50th Birthday," we get the celebrated "wife hates husband's friend" motif along with a birthday episode. Cliff wants to invite his old buddy, Mark to his 50th birthday party, but Clair will have none of that because Mark cheated on his wife, who happens to be Clair's friend. In the end, Clair wins after getting Mark to ask her for her forgiveness. Of course Clair is going to win….she's a lawyer. Afterwards, in true Cosby fashion, we get "Things That Are Older than Dad." This was in the middle of The Cosby Show hitting it's stride before jumping the shark (I'm looking at you, Cousin Pam).



The Forgotten Birthday…


Every TV character from Lucy to Donald Duck to the ninja turtle Michelangelo has had a birthday that was forgotten at some point or another. A little known fact – it's actually written in TV show contracts. Sitcoms are obligated to do one "forgotten birthday" episode before the end of their run. Hell, they even based an entire 80s teen movie about it. Perhaps none is more touching than the early season episode of Full House where DJ is too caught up in her romance (and upcoming 6 month anniversary) with Steve to remember her bestest buddy, Kimmy Gibler's Sweet 16. Like all good friend, DJ tries to throw something together at the last minute, but like all sitcom last minute parties, the guest of honor finds out and rages out of the room/house in embarrassment. Then the Full House staples come in. DJ gets a talking to from Danny (somehow Bob Saget manages a few sentences that can actually be said on TV). In return DJ patches things up with Kimmy and promises they will be the bestest of best friends for ever and ever – unless Michelle grows up to make literally billions of dollars, then DJ will have to be her bestest friend in order to take over the role known only as Kato. Now, if we could just get Bob Saget to have a heart-to-heart with Jodi Sweetin

More birthday wishes? You shouldn't have.


-- Speaking of forgotten birthdays, I finally visit hulu to get all caught up on my episodes of The Office. I really like the two-parter. This was The Office at it's best – working storylines (Karen, Holly) in with frivolous entertainment (Kelley's birthday). I feel like the visit to Karen was long overdue. No matter how much you like them, Pam and Jim did Karen dirty and it was hard to get 100% behind them without Karen's blessing. I know it sounds stupid for a sitcom, but I really think that was hovering over their relationship and since so much of the show revolves around those two – it was hovering over the whole show by proxy. Maybe I'm just analyzing it just a bit too much? As for the rest, the show is at it's best when all the characters get involved. In these episodes everyone got their stuff in save for Toby. I love the Jim/Dwight pairing as the two obviously have big time chemistry together. Don't get me wrong, Jenna Fischer is a beautiful lady, but anytime Rashida Jones is on my TV (or computer screen for that matter), a good time is had by all – pregnant or no.

-- What does it tell you about the political times we live in when TMZ.com is making waves in the news not for catching Brittney sunbathing nude with a cabana boy, but for catching bailed out bankers partying with celebrity concerts, private dinners and swag bags from Tiffany's? I usually try to avoid TMZ.com, but if they keep coming with stuff that will embarrass the hell out of these morons, I may just become a regular site visitor. BEGIN POLICAL RANT: Invest in your local Regional bank that is self sufficient and didn't need a bailout plan nor does the President get paid millions of dollars to run the bank into the ground END POLITICAL RANT.

This happens to me all the time…


Cold Leftovers…
Repercussions from last week.

I certainly hope the rumor that anyone other than Billy Bob Thornton is playing Freddy Krueger. Billy Bob is one of the most overrated actors in Hollywood.

I guess Sportscenter was doing a Mt. Rushmore for a select few states. Indiana wasn't one of them. My Indiana sports Mt. Rushmore: Peyton Manning, Reggie Miller, Knute Rockne, Bob Knight. Sorry Larry Legend.

I will actually go see the next Transformers movie in the theater if Devastator is in it.

A little more on Boo Berry. Hosted by none other than future RETRO Hall of Famer, Mark Sommers.



For the record, I am a very big proponent of Independent Media. I love buying independent movies off the internet or at conventions. In fact, that is one of the things I'm looking most forward to come next month's Horrorhound convention. I have to expand my Low Budget Pictures library.

I'll have to wait until the new Friday the 13th comes out to see it Bree's full frontal (and some backside) is better than the reigning champion, Heather Graham from Boogie Nights. Until then, I'll have to study the Boogie Nights scene frame by frame, front to back to have a frame of reference.

I will start DVR ECW. What kind of a Peep am I if I don't? Just let it be known that I am doing this in hope that Christian will get moved up to one of the main two shows (hopefully Smackdown) when he bumps ECW's numbers.

Bathroom CD of the Week


This soundtrack is right up there with The Crow in what I believe to be the best soundtracks I've heard. The only thing that makes me cringe is that Creed produced the album, so I have to give kudos to the purveyor of douchebaggedness, Scott Stapp. This is one of few albums I have that I do not skip a single track on. This is the album that introduced me to American Pearl ("Automatic"), Finger Eleven ("Suffocate"), and Coal Chamber ("Tyler's Song"). Toss in tracks from Creed, Incubus, Slipknot, Godsmack and System of a Down and tell me what's not to love? Despite the lack of colorful language, the CD is hard, fast and can put you in the right mood if you let it. A mood for murder. Maybe this isn't the best CD for me to be listening to before I go to work at 8 in the morning, afterall. Screw it – I haven't heard it in its entirety for awhile and it will be a nice wakeup in the morning. Too bad the movie wasn't as good as the soundtrack.

More birthday wishes…



-- Know what a Snork is? Ever used a payphone? Ever had a McDLT? If this is the case, then there's a pretty good possibility, you're ready for a little RETRO in your life.

I'd like to go back in the way back machine about twenty years. The year – I have no idea. It was somewhere between '85 and '88. If someone twisted my arm behind my back and forced to tell them, I'd probably go with '86. Please don't twist my arm. That smarts.

Let's say it was the summer of '86. I was at a buddy's house. Okay, my mom was visiting his mom and she took me along. I had brought the prize of my NES collection, Donkey Kong. I only had about three games at the time, so it wasn't real hard to be the prize of my collection. Especially when I didn't get Super Mario with the system (long story). I had my Donkey Kong and he has this game, Top Gun. I was lining planes up, shooting them down while dropping missiles on enemy bases. This was a little more intense than just jumping barrels and smashing the hell out of them with mallets. It was so intense that I had to refuel halfway through the mission. I hate to admit it, but I was star struck by the glitz, by the nonstop Top Gun action. I did the unthinkable, I panicked and traded my Donkey Kong for his Top Gun.

VS.

It's over twenty years later and now I think I can finally reassess the deal from a fair standpoint. Basically…I got hosed. I didn't know it then, mostly because the term "hosed" didn't have proper recognition as slang at that point, but yeah—it's not even close. Top Gun, for all it's glitz and big promises, was a bust. It was the same thing over and over. Am I the only American plane in the sky or what? No matter how many times I played it, I was never going to be able to refuel while in the air and landing on the aircraft carrier was tedious and frustrating. I apologize to any veterans reading this over the sheer number of aircraft I left at the bottom of some unnamed ocean. Eventually, I got to the third level, but just gave up on it. Somewhere along the line, the game disappeared.



I have a feeling that Donkey Kong would have fared better. Sure, the game gets repetitive and you put it away for awhile, but like Pac-Man, Galaga or a transvestite hooker, you know you'll always end up coming back. To this day whenever I walk by a Donkey Kong cabinet, I get a bit teary-eyed and have to turn away, Donkey doesn't need to see me that way. I wouldn't blame him if he wanted to steal my girlfriend and throw barrels at me.

To make me feel better (even though I'm pretty sure it came before the Donkey Kong fiasco) I'd like to reminisce about a board game I got on this very day sometime in the mid-80s, when I was but a wee lad. The game in question?



This wasn't just a board game…it was a freaking castle! Aright, it was more like the Ghostbuster headquarters. You were one of the four Ghostbusters creeping around one of the four rooms of the headquarters trying not to get ambushed by ghosts. And that my friends, is as close as any board game is going to get to my real life. The thing that set this game apart was the tower in the middle of the game.



At certain points, that skull sitting atop the tower would fall down the chute and where it would come out – nobody knew. Avoiding ghosts and flying skull – man, those were the days. As if that weren't enough, if you were in one of the "danger" areas of the board, the skull was your worst nightmare. The skull could cause the floor to quiver, an axe to fall on your head or a dangerous fall down the steps just when you thought you were going to win. Not only was it the finest game of the day, but it doubled as a booby trapped mansion when it came time for the Ultimate Bedroom Wars of Good vs. Evil.

Imagine my disappointment when researching this game for this article I found out this was just a repackaged version of a game called Which Witch. Sigh. My childhood bubble has been burst.

80s Movie Moment



Random Screenshot from Random NES game I owned

23 YEARS AGO TODAY

February 26, 1986

#1 Song



"How Will I Know" By Whitney Houston

#1 Album



Promise by Sade

NOTABLES: "The Sweetest Taboo" and "Never as Good as the First Time"

#1 Movie

Down and Out in Beverly Hills



NOTABLE OPENS: The Hitcher

I must leave you now.

Until next week, beware of bad video game trades. Play a game of Donkey Kong. It'll make you feel better about life itself.