Misunderstood Masterpieces: Without A Paddle

Posted by Will Helm on 03.29.2005

… or, Without a Clue, Without a Hope, but with Many Bad Puns

Pardon me while I stretch out after that bit of vacation . . .

AH!

See, I went down to Daytona to party with the rest of Sigma Psi Epsilon and the rest is just a haze of booze and broads and . . . what? You mean it's not 1985 anymore? Damn. You got me.

Anyway, speaking of trips and vacations and the ilk, they're usually the perfect setup to the traditional "buddy road comedy." Most closely associated with the famous "Road" pictures featuring Bing Crosby and Bob Hope gallivanting around the world in search of humorous situations, the "buddy road comedy" remains an integral part of the easy, unoriginal Hollywood modus operandi to this day. From the (somewhat) good – Planes, Trains, and Automobiles, Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle – to the not-so-good – Road Trip . . . which is merely a remake of the obscure Reese Witherspoon-Paul Rudd vehicle Overnight Delivery, "buddy road" comedies have an indelible place in the cinematic landscape.

Therefore, it should come to no surprise that a "buddy road" comedy should spring up in the recent past that was to be "hip," "edgy," and a bunch of other adjectives executives usually use when they try to describe things they know nothing about. This one, however, unlike many in the past, would feature no leading actors but, instead, two more noted for performing in supporting roles in their films and another who was a neophyte to the business, culled from the "hippest," "edgiest" television show at the time. Yes, in the summer of 2004, Without a Paddle was foisted upon the American movie-going public, to lukewarm reviews and less-than-stellar box-office receipts. And just who were the three "leading" actors of the film? Well, there is, of course, the oft-hilarious, diminutive Seth Green, most known for his roles in Buffy the Vampire Slayer and the Austin Powers franchise; Freddie Prinze Jr.'s sniveling lap dog Matthew Lillard (seriously, how many movies were they in together?); and Dax Shepard, a.k.a. "the guy from Punk'd." If you've been paying attention to trends, you should notice that this casting, while "hip" and/or "edgy," was still a bad idea. Don't believe me? Well, feast your eyes on this . . .

Probably to pull at our sentimental heartstrings, the film begins with some home movies, because there's nothing more exciting than a quartet of kids building a fort. Oh, and just to place us firmly two decades ago, they also make requisite references to ‘80s pop culture. Later in the reminiscent montage, the kids ride their bikes over a river – except for one nerdy exception – and then they graduate from high school. Um . . . was there some kind of time warp on the other side of the river or something? I guess the director, thankfully, spared us the horrors of puberty for our own well-being. For that, I say thank you. After the graduation, one of the guys, Billy (Antony Starr), goes off in search of adventure, leaving his lifelong buddies – Dan (Green), Jerry (Lillard), and Tom (Shepard) – behind to fend for themselves. Jerry, since he's an OK guy, gives Billy a compass to help his buddy on his way. Hmm . . . I sense a metaphor.

Ten years later, Tom finds himself tattooed and in bed with some random HOT CHICK (Nadine Bernecker); much to his chagrin, her significant other, Tony, busts in to catch them (nearly) in the act. Hilarity, as is wont to do in a "buddy road comedy," attempts to ensue as it is revealed that Tony is actually another HOT CHICK (Danielle Cormack)! Tom tries to get with both of them in an attempt to resolve the TENSION, but Tony just responds by punching him in the gut. Elsewhere, in a random office boardroom, we discover that Jerry is now a sleepy executive with little mind for his job; instead, he'd rather be surfing, and he does so with a very annoyed look on his face. I guess the waves aren't as calming as we've been lead to believe all along. Go figure. After hanging ten, Jerry goes home to find his HOT CHICK girlfriend (Bonnie Somerville) has dinner all prepared for him. That's sweet . . . although you know something has to be up. Jerry, meanwhile, isn't as suspicious, as the HOT CHICK tells him that – since he's generally inattentive and distracted – he has forgotten their anniversary. While the HOT CHICK packs a bag, Jerry takes a phone call from his mother; ah . . . so that's why she's dumping him: mommy issues.

Meanwhile, in some other place, Dan is now a wimpy, asthmatic doctor. He ham-handedly flirts with his assistant and then takes a call from Jerry. The urgent news: BILLY'S DEAD! Dum-dum-DUM! Actually, it's not that tragic, since he was only in the movie for about five minutes or so. Billy: plot device du jour. Anyway, it seems that Billy died in a parasailing accident – evidently he was a stereotypical adventurer, as per his particular idiom – and the funeral is . . . OK, I forget when it is. But it's back in Oregon or wherever the guys are originally from. Whatever or wherever matters little; this still remains a really depressing set-up for a comedy. What do they think this is, The Big Chill? Although . . . if Tom Berenger were to show up out of the blue, that'd be pretty cool.

At the funeral, we learn, like Dan and Jerry, that Billy truly was the stereotypical exciting adventurer, complete with very fake looking photos of presidents and exotic locales. Oh . . . and a Spanish HOT CHICK humps his casket too. Necrophilia equals adventure! After the proceedings begin, Tom pulls up on a comically loud motorcycle, rudely interrupting the service. Meanwhile, I wonder if this movie is going to be funny anytime soon. Later, after the funeral breaks up, the three surviving buddies head off to the old fort . . . while Blind Melon plays in the background. So Billy was Shannon Hoon too? Actually, we it turns out that Billy was – for some unknown, unexplained reason – obsessed with infamous thief D.B. Cooper. Now, how a young kid can have ANY idea just who D.B. Cooper is, let alone be obsessed with him is beyond me . . . but we'll let it slide right now for sake of the film. But, movie, you better watch yourself, because I'm watching you. Figuratively and literally. The film redeems itself a bit in my eyes when Dan, the archetypical nerd, finds a vintage C-3PO figure locked away in the fort and does a dead-on impression of Anthony Daniels.

After that actually humorous interlude, the plot kicks in once more, as the guys realize that, somewhere during his adventures, Billy pinpointed D.B. Cooper's legendary landing spot somewhere in the Cascade Mountains. More significantly, the guys decipher that Billy wanted them to go with him into the woods the year before, but they balked. So, in honor of their friend and their collective stubbornness, they decide to take on the quest themselves . . . until Dan protests. Jerry, in perhaps a moment of reverse psychology, tells his recalcitrant friend to be "stupid" in honor of their deceased compatriot. Then, just to seal the pact, they all renew the blood oath they made years earlier, much to Dan's hypochondriac chagrin.

On the road to the mountains, the guys listen to .38 Special and I feel inordinately cheesy for liking the song "Hold on Loosely." That'll teach me for having a taste for classic rock. Anyway, they guys drive their old, seemingly bulletproof station wagon down a secluded highway and rap for no particular reason along the way; oddly enough, Dan is a remarkably good rapper, just because that's the least expected plot point. Later, they park the car in the middle of a creepy town in the middle of nowhere, where kids ride a pig down the street for fun. No word on whether or not they tell it to squeal like – well – itself. While Dan and Tom take in the scene, Jerry calls his HOT CHICK girlfriend and tells her of his and the guys adventure; she, of course, flakes out and says she's going to Atlantis. After Jerry ends the call, he and his comrades are hassled by a snaggle-toothed sheriff (Ray Baker), who also apparently is the self-proclaimed king of whitewater or something like that. Rather than listen to the local constabulary's helpful advice, the guys make way for the river and . . . ADVENTURE!

Once at the river, some Native American guy drolly mocks the guys' plans and then shoves them – and their canoe – into the river. While Dan marvels at the plethora of wildlife, the obnoxious soundtrack kicks in again. Hmm . . . was MTV involved in the production of this film? Just wondering. After the short musical interlude, the guys horse around on the boat until they find an outcropping of rock called "grandpa's nose." No word on if they find "auntie's mons pubis" with it, though. Once at "grandpa's nose," the guys make camp, where Dan attempts to make fire. Tom helps him out considerably by breathing fire in his direction; when going camping, always bring a circus freak. Or a dragon. Either is suitable in this situation. After the fire is safely under control, the guys get drunk together and listen to Culture Club. During this next musical interlude, Dan reveals that he likes the song because he's a dork . . . which somehow segues into a regretful conversation among the guys. To sum up: it sucks to turn thirty. Jerry breaks up the heartache by distracting himself in the freedom of the wilderness. Methinks he has ADD or something.

Later that evening, Tom, against everyone's better judgment – except for his own, goes salmon fishing with only a flashlight. While the other two guys stand on the shore, dumbfounded, Tom fiddles around in the river and then throws fish at his partners. Things are going swimmingly – no pun intended – until, to Tom's surprise, a bear shows up out of nowhere directly behind him! The guys make a run for it, but, along the way to safety, Dan falls. The other two guys, sensing the danger in the situation, advice Dan to curl up into a ball, but it's all for naught as the bear gently and lovingly carries Dan away for some bear-man lovin'. Actually, that may not be true, as, when the guys follow the bear to its den, they see the bear attempt to feed Dan some random dead animal. Hmm . . . perhaps this is the bear equivalent of a romantic dinner. How nice of it, I must say. The bear's advances must be having an effect, as Dan quickly starts going mad and talking to the bear in a voice reminiscent of "Bobcat" Goldthwait. Dan's impromptu Zed impression must impress the bear, since it allows Dan to escape from the bear's clutches . . . especially before any inter-species coitus can break out. The bear responds as any jilted lover would: it eats Dan's phone. The guys, meanwhile, take refuge in a tree, waiting for the bear to leave them be.

The next day, the quite stubborn bear, still under the tree where the guys are "hiding," is finally scared off by a ruckus made by a pair of hillbilly dynamite fishermen. Say . . . those two fishermen look oddly familiar. More on that later. The guys, finally down from their precarious perch, freak out for fear of the armed and dangerous hillbillies, so Dan decides to pilot the canoe safely around them. Of course, such careful thinking is not without its risks, as the guys accidentally take the wrong fork in the river, leading to the tripartite perils of rapids, trees, and rocks. Oh no . . . anything but rocks! Unsurprisingly, as a largely unstable vessel usually does in situations such as this, the canoe capsizes. Jerry, harnessing his ADD for beneficial purposes, rides the flipped-over canoe like a surfboard and then throws a rope in the vicinity of Dan, who takes it and pulls himself to safety. Meanwhile, Tom finds solace underneath the canoe but, once everyone is safe, he capsizes it himself.

Luckily for the guys, they find themselves in relatively calm water, so they lick their wounds and celebrate the fact that they're neither dead nor maimed. Unfortunately, their relatively unharmed status could change rapidly, as they find themselves at the precipice of a giant waterfall! The guys and the canoe go over . . . but they, unlike the canoe, survive unscathed. Damn; and I was hoping this movie would be over soon. I guess there's more to go. After the guys make their way to the riverbank, they all freak out and Dan, perhaps slowly going more and more insane, channels C-3PO once more. Things settle down, however, after one of the guys finds Billy's compass. Ah . . . now everything will be alright; they have the mighty compass of power! Or not, as they still have no map. Oops.

Later that evening, the guys find a heavy-metal hillbilly campsite in the middle of the woods. While the guys reconnoiter the scene, they witness one of the hillbillies yelling at a headless fish, probably in a methamphetamine-fueled rampage. The illicit drugs make the hillbilly sense the guys' presence, so Dan and his compatriots freak out and seek a better hiding place. They find it in the hillbillies' barn . . . which just happens to be filled with bales and bales of marijuana! Hmm . . . I guess it wasn't methamphetamines he was on after all. Go figure. The oddly familiar hillbillies find the guys and shoot at them, so the guys, fearing for their lives, jump through the back wall of the barn . . . and directly into the hillbillies' ganja field. The hillbillies give chase into the field, which is now "hilariously" on fire, and . . . wait! It can't be. The hillbillies can't be them! Wow . . . so that's what happened to Kubiac (Abraham Benrubi) and bizarro-world Willam Black (Ethan Suplee)! I guess after the movie and television roles dry up, there's always a call for slightly homoerotic pot farmers. Good for them. Anyway, once the conflagration in the fields intensifies, our protagonists become comically stoned, as well as the hillbillies' dogs. The hillbillies catch up to the guys and open fire; Tom evades losing his head at the nick of time, while Dan channels The Matrix and dodges the attack in bullet-time. They then hide out under a swamp, where they breathe through reeds as if they were Solid Snake and Dan accidentally eats a bug. Mmm . . . yummy.

Later, while the guys head back up the river to safety, the hillbillies swear that they will have their REVENGE! Meanwhile, for no reason in particular, Dan freaks out again, but the other guys are unaffected by his madness. Until, of course, Dan mentions Jerry's HOT CHICK girlfriend; then things take a turn for the worse. Dan continues ranting and raving as only he can until he realizes that Tom's been shot . . . in the arm. It's just a flesh wound. The black knight would be proud. While the hillbillies arm themselves for VENGEANCE, Dan stitches Tom's wound and Tom, for no reason in particular, reveals that he's a gambling addict. Of course, they get all sentimental. Meanwhile, I wonder whether this is actually a comedy or a male version of a Lifetime movie. I do hope it's still the former, even though it does often look like the latter. Sadly, the subject matter seems to be tipping farther and farther into sentimentality as Tom confesses that he's jealous of Dan but Dan, in turn, confesses that he's chock full of neuroses, so there's no need to envy him. After the odd heart-to-heart, the guys hear Dan's phone ringing, which means that the bear is near! The guys take flight while, elsewhere, hillbilly Kubiac and hillbilly Willam Black find some footprints on the ground.

Later, after escaping the wrath of the bear unharmed, Tom climbs a tree and watches two hippie HOT CHICKS wash each other. After alerting his associates, Tom and the guys find the chicks' hideout high in a majestic redwood. It seems that the two chicks, Flower (Rachel Blanchard) and Butterfly (Christina Moore), are forestry protesters living in the tree to make a difference in the world. Or something like that. The hippie chicks, since they are hippie chicks, take the guys in and strip them. Later, they show off their proudly hairy legs; oddly, while their gams are hirsute, their armpits are carefully shaved smooth. Hmm. It's all made worthwhile when the chicks reveal that thunderstorms give them orgasms. Good to know.

After enjoying some bonding with the hippie chicks, Jerry uses their radio to call for help. The hillbillies, hot on the trail, intercept the transmission and track it down; once at the tree, the hillbillies pull out a chainsaw and threaten to cut down the hippie chicks' humble abode if the guys don't give themselves up for some sweet REVENGE! During the negotiations and unbeknownst to the hillbillies, Tom slides down a hidden rope to the forest floor. Meanwhile, the other two guys and the chicks drop bags of solid waste on the hillbillies. While the hillbillies bellyache being covered in human excrement, Tom steals one of their ATV's and Dan and Jerry use the distraction to slide down a rope to the ground below. They both hop on the ATV and ride to safety while getting shot at; to ease his mind during the endeavor, Dan imagines himself in Return of the Jedi. Oh . . . wait. Star Wars: Episode IV – Return of the Jedi. Much better. Tom, with the guys in tow and the hillbillies giving chase, drives the ATV off of a cliff and into the river, facilitating our heroes' escape. The hillbillies, meanwhile, figure out where the guys' final destination is, so they head there in order to corner them.

Back on the trail, Dan, once again, freaks out. He really needs some anti-anxiety medication or something. Perhaps in order to work some field psychology, Tom and Jerry analyze their friend's neuroses; they also discern that his asthma is merely a figment of his imagination. Dan, unhappy with his buddies' diagnosis, freaks out YET AGAIN – he's worse than Giggly Tits in I Know What You Did Last Summer – and then it starts raining. While the hillbillies bumble elsewhere in the forest, Dan tells his friends that they need to cuddle for warmth in the damp wilderness. After some hesitance, they do . . . and R. Kelly starts playing in the background. Hmm . . . so they're going to urinate on each other for warmth too? I thought it was a thundershower, not a golden shower. Jerry, just to be a prick, whispers in Dan's ear and gets his friend to chub up, just to annoy Tom, who is lying in a very vulnerable position in front of his diminutive friend. Tom, upset at the unwanted violation, freaks out, but said freak out is interrupted by a shotgun-armed ersatz Grizzly Adams (Burt Reynolds)!

Well, it's not Tom Berenger, but I'll take what I can get at this point.

Probably against anyone's better judgment in this situation, the guys follow Grizzly to his remote cabin, which can't be good for their anuses in the long run. If you know what I mean. And I'm terribly sorry if you do. Anyway, it seems that our hairy friend may or may not be D.B. Cooper in the flesh; instead of murdering the guys once they decipher his possibly true identity and burying them behind ramshackle house, faux-Grizzly just gives them some clothes. Meanwhile, to continue the long and dull plot line from earlier in the picture, hillbilly Kubiac and hillbilly Willam Black track the guys to the cabin. Inside the cabin, the guys joke around with the mystery woodsman, who reveals that he isn't D.B. Cooper at all . . . but he was a friend of his. Right. A likely story. And I was a friend of Babe Ruth. Anyway, it seems that our furry buddy Del was supposed to find D.B. after he jumped out of the plane years ago; he wasn't able to track the notorious thief down, so he stayed on the mountain in honor of his lost compatriot. Of course, giving up three decades of his life makes him quite regretful – which seems to be a recurring problem in this movie – but he's also inspirational too. Ah, thank you, old man.

The next day, Del cooks some breakfast for his boarders and then he and Dan bond over J.J. Walker's infamous catchphrase. Outside, Jerry, looking for some fresh air, finds Dan's phone – which seems to ring at the most opportune moments – in a pile of bear feces. Mmm. Jerry's first instinct is rather suspect, though; instead of calling for help, he phones his apartment, only to learn from his answering machine message that his HOT CHICK girlfriend is his girlfriend no longer. Well, that's just crap . . . and not just the bear's. Just in case you thought that Jerry's day couldn't get any worse, the dynamite hillbillies – perhaps they have a thing for J.J. Walker too – pull up outside and start shooting up the place. Del, since he's our deus ex machina du jour, tells the guys where the nearest escape route is and then distracts the hillbillies by firing back on them and blowing up their ATV. Ooh . . . excitement? Now?!? I think this may be too little too late, but that's just me.

Out in the woods, the guys, safely – for the moment – escaping the clutches of the bumbling hillbilly brigade, use their compass to successfully fall into an abandoned mine. This must be the last level of the game – since a lot of this movie has seemed like a bad video game – because who should be in the depths of said mine but D.B Cooper himself! He's a little rude, though, because he doesn't introduce himself. The nerve of him. He does have a good excuse, though, considering he's nothing more than a skeleton. The guys, thinking they've struck it rich, are quickly disappointed when they discover that D.B. burnt the bulk of his booty to keep warm. Realizing that their trip was more about friendship that money, Dan finally grows a set and gives a rousing monologue . . . which is all well and good until he wimps out when he finds out that he has to burrow through a tunnel to safety above. Wow. That's some depth of character. Dan, at the urging of his associates, takes the mission, so Jerry and Tom calm his mind with the dulcet tones of Culture Club. Ah . . . it's nice that that little plot moment had a payoff. Bravo, filmmakers.

Upon crowning at the surface of the mountain, like some sort of earth baby, Dan sees that the hillbillies are back and, this time . . . well, they're just as angry as they were before. Dan, perhaps in a moment of growth – not literally, though, knocks the hillbillies into the mine and they scuffle with Tom and Jerry. After some comically slapstick fisticuffs, the local constabulary arrives in the form of the sheriff from earlier in the picture. I guess everything's paying off now. Good for you, movie. The sheriff extricates Tom, Jerry, and the hillbillies from the mine . . . and then turns on our heroes! Ooh! Swerve! It seems that he's the mastermind of the pot racket all along! While he holds his hillbilly henchmen at bay, the sheriff has his requisite "gloating villain speech"; meanwhile, the guys pass around a hand grenade. Not to worry, though; the pin is still in it. After the sheriff finishes his spiel, Jerry steps forward in an attempt to make peace between the proletariat and the bourgeoisie, but the sheriff and the hillbillies are having none of it. Jerry, therefore, responds by throwing the live grenade at a tree. Yup. A tree. Of course, the tree then falls on the sheriff and the hillbillies . . . seemingly flattening them!

Why do I say "seemingly"? Well, later, back in town, we find that the guys are now heroes and the sheriff and hillbillies have survived only to be arrested. The guys revel in their newfound fame for a moment or two, and then they meet up with Del, who's dressed in his snappiest 1970s' duds. He says "hi" and that he's going away for a while . . . and then he gives them his share of D.B.'s money! Jerry and Dan, since they're successful members of society and it really wouldn't look good on their records to be in possession of ill-gotten gains, give the cash to Tom. You see, Tom's already been in prison, so when he's charged for possession of stolen goods, it'll be just like going back to see his old pals. And probably the hillbillies, who will rape him and then shiv him in the shower. Anyway, that doesn't really happen, as, in our wonderful prologue, we discover that Jerry makes up with and gets engaged to his HOT CHICK ex-girlfriend, Dan hooks up with Flower, and Tom – for some unexplained reason – is a scout troop leader? Huh?

You know, this is the kind of movie I dislike quite a lot. On the whole, Without a Paddle is a lackluster movie. What makes it worse is that there are more than a few truly funny parts – usually involving Seth Green's awesome C-3PO impression – and a couple good ideas here and there. Sadly, the surrounding material is either unfunny or trite and clichιd. Ooh . . . hillbillies. That's SO funny. And they grow weed! Drug humor rules! And hippie chicks are hilariously hairy (even though they have clean-shaven armpits)! You can't really say that the actors are to blame, since Green is quite funny and Shepard is surprisingly solid and likable. Lillard . . . well, he's still a pig-faced spaz, but two out of three ain't bad. The sad fact is that the few great elements of this film don't add up to an equally great – or even greater – whole. It is that discrepancy which, of course, makes it a Misunderstood Masterpiece.

Join me next week, dear readers, as I make Thomas Dolby proud with a trilogy devoted to SCIENCE!