Misunderstood Masterpieces: Real Genius
Posted by Will Helm on 04.05.2005
…or, The Lighter Side of Quantum Physics and Advanced Optics
In honor of the waning school year – at least here in the Northern Hemisphere, I decided to give a little tutoring to those of you with an interest in what makes the world go ‘round, with an interest in SCIENCE!
Yes, friends, for those of you preparing for your Advanced Placement exams, SATs, GREs, and even Ph.D.s, I give you a series of three films that utilize as their general conceit the use – or, more appropriately, the misuse – of SCIENCE! And, just to make the learning fun, all three movies are comedies! I know you’re excited. Don’t worry, though; you don’t have to all thank me at once. In the coming weeks, I’ll give you all a refresher course on bioelectrical theory in Weird Science and experimental transplantation medicine in The Man with Two Brains. As for this week, we have a fine little film that delves deeply into the nuances of applied quantum theory and the field of optics – namely in the form of Light Amplification by Stimulated Emission of Radiation . . . the laser: 1985’s Real Genius.
Loosely based on random anecdotes and events related to the California Institute of Technology – CalTech for those not in the know, Real Genius tells the tale of youth wasted in the confines of the laboratory, where madcap scientific creativity is suffocated by numbers, algorithms, and the never-ending quest for federal grant money. More significantly, it also marks one of the first starring roles for this column’s least-favorite iteration of Batman, Val Kilmer. A terrific pedigree, you say? Well, the thought of Val Kilmer as a genius is a hypothesis worth investigating . . . and now, dear members of academia, I give you my experiment, my Misunderstood Masterpiece . . . for this week.
Surprisingly, not only does this film concern applied science, it also – during the opening credits – provides a bit of anthropology as, in the beginning, there are cave paintings. Then, throughout the ages – and the credits, people started drawing more and more advanced weapons. And combustion engines. And various combinations of the two elements. Ah . . . there’s nothing more exciting than the wonderful world of schematics. It reminds me of the old G.I. Joe vehicles; if I remember right, they always seemed to have cool blueprints with them. Those were the days. And, in a great G.I. Joe moment, some guy in a space shuttle (skateboarding legend Stacy Peralta) incinerates a random, unidentified Middle Eastern dictator with an extra-atmospheric laser blast. Whoa . . . maybe I’ve got the wrong movie here. Oh wait; the entire episode is nothing more than an aerospace marketing movie on display for a group of chauvinistic military guys. They’re all excited, except for the stereotypical “black guy with a conscience” (surprisingly NOT played by Morgan Freeman). The “B.G.w.a.C.” objects to the cold-heartedness and deceitful nature of the project, so he walks out. The remaining military guys, unsurprisingly, have him killed off-camera. Whoa . . . so where’s the comedy?
Elsewhere, at a high school science fair, professional prick William Atherton signs autographs. It seems, in this movie, everyone’s favorite smarmy jerk is Prof. Jerry Hathaway, renowned and locally famous scientist and college instructor. Meanwhile, an androgynous dork – named Mitch Taylor (Gabriel Jarret) and, hence, a guy – explains the principles of a do-it-yourself laser to his annoying, pushy parents. Prof. Hathaway, celebrity that he is, waltzes over to Mitch’s table only to be accosted by the results-oriented Taylors. Wow . . . it’s nice to know they take such an interest in their son’s success. Actually, it seems as if they take a little TOO MUCH interest in their son’s success; more on that later. Prof. Hathaway shakes off Mitch’s parents so that he can have a word with the fifteen-year-old genius. It seems that Mitch is perfect material for early acceptance into the ersatz CalTech of the film, Pacific Institute of Technology. Prof. Hathaway, sensing the boy’s brilliance, explains the nuances of academic elitism and then tells Mitch that he’s going to be joining Hathaway’s research team at the college. Good for him!
Meanwhile, at some stuffy office or other, nutty genius Chris Knight (Kilmer), complete with sardonic T-shirt and whimsical antennae, meets with some suits about a job interview. He mocks the establishment as only someone in a PG movie can; the interviewing executive and the resident head scientist aren’t hip to his humor, but some random HOT CHICK executive (Patti D’Arbanville) digs it. Also, it seems, she’s turned on by intelligence. It’s nice to see a woman excited by an IQ of 175 over nine inches of throbbing man-meat. Whoa . . . Debbie Does Dallas moment there. Sorry about that. Over at the typically collegiate college, Mitch meets with some disheveled dean guy (Severn Darden). He must be like the mid-‘80s version of Dumbledore or something, as he merely gives Mitch a piece of inscrutable advice before reveling in the fact that he can “get down” with it. Well, at least this wasn’t made in 2000 . . . then he’d be “gettin’ jiggy wit’ it.” Na-na-na-na-na-na-na. Na-na-na-na-na-na. “Gettin’ jiggy wit’ it.”
Inside the dorm, of which – quite like a Highlander – there must be only one, it’s a veritable madhouse. Ah, there’s nothing more intriguing than the off-time of the intelligentsia. In Mitch’s room, he discovers that X-Pac (Jon Gries), or at least the spirit of X-Pac, lives in his closet. Elsewhere in the room, Chris prepares for the reversal of gravity by standing on his head and then proposing nudism to prevent change from falling out of his pockets. He’s intellectually wacky! Over in the town adjacent to the college, Prof. Hathaway rides with one of the military-weapons guys; they drive up to Hathaway’s not-so-humble abode, which is currently under renovation. Of course, the military-weapons guy reminds Hathaway of a little thing called an “audit” and that defrauding the government, the last time he checked, was a felony. Geez . . . he’s paranoid. Everyone knows that Hathaway made a fortune in frozen orange-juice concentrate. Oh, wait . . . that was Trading Places. Yeah, he’s a white-collar criminal.
Back at the college, Mitch meets with Hathaway’s sycophantic lackey, the defensive WASP Kent (Robert Prescott, last seen as a defensive WASP in Bachelor Party). It seems that Kent is disturbingly obsessed with Hathaway, but Hathaway’s having none of it as he unceremoniously puts Mitch in charge of the laser project. Kent, seeing his time as Hathaway’s “favorite” coming to an end, confesses that there are serious problems with the project which are holding it up. Mitch, as the hot shot of the group, fixes the problems, much to Kent’s chagrin. Ah, Mitch . . . there’s nothing like a fiscally sound life in the amazing world of quality control. Because checking other people’s work for a living is SO rewarding. Ugh.
Over at the dorms, some Asian guy (Mark Kamiyama) turned the floor into an ice-skating rink, which Chris enjoys immensely. Mitch is a bit perturbed with Chris’ “all play and no work” attitude but, before he can voice his displeasure with the scene, he’s distracted by a motor-mouthed, rambling nerd chick (Revenge of the Nerds’ Michelle Meyrink). The nerd chick, for a modern point of reference, is like a Willow Rosenberg twelve years before Willow Rosenberg. Of course, she can’t be Willow Rosenberg at all since she’s 1) not Alyson Hannigan and 2) named Jordan Cochran. But she’ll still be proto-Willow in our hearts, and that’s what counts most. Kent, since he’s the most uptight WASP since that dude from Bachelor Party, comes in and is VERY upset by the scene before him. He passes Mitch a stack of important documents regarding Hathaway’s project and then endures a bevy of mocking put-downs from the kilt-clad Chris. Before Kent can respond, he escapes to his room while the ice on the floor sublimates into a potentially volatile vapor.
Now, just in case you thought that the antics going on in this film are too far-fetched, that’s actually not true. Many are the stories of the eccentric behavior present at both CalTech – who are well-regarded for their elaborate pranks – and MIT, where, it has been reported to me, on certain floors of the dorms there might be an army of cats while other floors are shrouded with the ambience of a fog machine. Why? Well, to keep the students there from cracking under the pressure of their study, that’s why. Yeah . . . dorks need to chill out too. Why do you think there’s so much porn on the Internet?
Anyway, asides aside, the next day, Mitch once again sees the ghost of X-Pac floating across his room. Instead of following into the closet – trying to get X-Pac to come out of the closet is no easy feat, unless you’ve seen One Night in China, Mitch goes to the bathroom. Umm . . . yeah. While he tries to relieve himself, Jordan busts in with a sweater and Mitch suffers an undue episode of “pee-shyness.” It seems that Jordan knitted the sweater the night before because she’s hyperkinetic and suffers from insomnia. Yeah . . . she’ll be dead by twenty. But at least there’ll be some fun hallucinations before then. After she leaves, Mitch completes what he set out to do and then goes back to the room to chat with Chris about X-Pac living in the closet. Chris, sadly, isn’t the Answer Man . . . but he is the perfect segue to a requisite ‘80s music montage!
During the montage, Mitch learns and does technical stuff which probably goes over the heads of 99% of the viewing audience. Meanwhile, Jordan shows off her remote-controlled page turner, since she tries to combat her neuroses with crazy inventions. Outside, on the street, Kent nearly runs Mitch over and then revels in his near-vehicular homicide. Yup . . . Kent’s gone mad. WASP rage! WASP rage! In the lab, the laser immolates and, outside, X-Pac mysteriously helps Mitch pick up some dropped books and papers. No word on whether or not he later turned on him and gave him an impromptu X-Factor. Back in the lab, Mitch shoots a laser through a block of wood and then celebrates. Yay for him!
One night after the music montage, Mitch FINALLY decides to search the closet for any clues as to X-Pac’s true identity. After some cursory banging on the walls of the closet, Mitch discovers the entrance to X-Pac’s secret lair! Oddly enough, it seems to be safely nestled in the middle of The Tubes’ “She’s a Beauty” video. Wow . . . now there’s a blast from the ‘80s past. Down in the bowels of the dorm, in X-Pac’s hidden fortress, Mitch sees the infamous wrestler in his pyjamas, coolly typing on a screen saver while a machine prints out scores and scores of postcards. No word on whether or not they say “Have you seen my career?” on them. The next day – or sometime afterward, Chris visits Prof. Hathaway at the professor’s nearly completed dream home. Hathaway, in a little throwaway moment that becomes VERY important later, reveals that he hates popcorn; he then explains that he wants Chris to do more in the lab, since Mitch can’t handle the pressure and Kent alone. Well, it’s actually because he doesn’t want to get busted and gang-raped while in prison for fraud, but I’m sure there are altruistic motives as well. Hathaway, probably just to help motivate Chris, orders the wacky, sardonic student to give him five megawatts by graduation. Well, that’s not as bad as 1.21 gigawatts, but still a tall order. Chris is a bit hesitant, so Hathaway plays hardball by blackmailing Chris into going along with the plan.
Later, Hathaway’s gambit appears successful as Chris shows up in the lab to help Mitch by feeding him some yogurt. Mitch, since he’s a wee bit tightly wound – see, there’s a reason for the cats and fog machines and the like, freaks out due to the pressure, so Chris calms him down by having Mitch start up the laser. While Mitch does some technical things with the fuse box, Chris adjusts a series of mirrors and lenses about the room. After the laser charges, the lights go out and Chris flips on the switch to the laser. Due to his precise adjustments earlier, the low-powered laser – which technically should be invisible to the naked eye . . . but we’ll let that slide for now – reflects throughout the campus, ending at an indoor beach party! And, at this indoor beach party are not only nerds but also . . . beauty school students! And not of the Kyan Douglas variety, either. While the usual gang of dorks cavort with the HOT CHICK beauticians-to-be, Kent spies on the revelry as only a calculating WASP can.
Elsewhere, at some random, low-budget television studio, Prof. Hathaway argues with the military-weapons guy just before his television show begins taping. While Hathaway explains the intricacies of the colon, Kent shows up . . . directly in front of the TelePrompTer, putting an end to the taping for the moment. Kent, now with Hathaway’s attention, rats on Mitch’s and Chris’ antics. Elsewhere, speaking of Mitch and Chris, Jordan shows up on the scene with a scuba tank and enlists Mitch to help her with her new invention. While Jordan explains just what the invention is, love blooms between them . . . which is a bit illegal since Jordan is nineteen and Mitch, as we know, is only fifteen. But everything’s probably kosher, as statutory rape isn’t frowned upon if both parties have high IQs. The more genius babies, the merrier, says I! While Mitch plans on getting close to Jordan, Kent and Hathaway show up to spoil his fun and scold him for his naughtiness.
Mitch, now upset with Chris’ antics and nonchalant attitude, goes back to the lab and has a MAJOR LEAGUE FREAK OUT! He then sequesters himself in an office and calls home; unbeknownst to our hero, Kent and his dimwitted associates record the call. Later, at lunch, Mitch ostracizes Chris, the source of his pain. And then, as if to add insult to injury, Kent and his accomplices play Mitch’s tear-strewn call over the public-address system. It seems that not only are his parents pushy, they also rented out his room while he was away. His father then tells him to grow up and stop crying; meanwhile, I can only say one thing: I sense a murder spree in Mitch’s future. Don’t you? After the public humiliation, Mitch escapes to his room and packs his bags for parts unknown. Maybe he’s going there to ask The Missing Link just what the deal is with X-Pac living in his closet.
Chris, since it seems that he’s tangentially the cause of this ruckus, comes in to the room in an attempt to smooth things over with his roommate. It seems that, unbeknownst to Mitch, he and Chris were once alike . . . but Chris learned that there’s more to life than just education and lasers and such. And who was his counter-culture guru? X-Pac. Well, not really X-Pac, but the reasonable facsimile named Lazlo Hollyfeld. Once, Lazlo was Pacific’s hot shot student, but he fell from grace and retreated into his secret lair. Somehow, Mitch takes comfort in this revelation – he probably doesn’t want to end up a crazy, pyjama-clad recluse – and then he and Chris, instead of studying, plot REVENGE against the evil WASP Kent!
That night, under the cover of darkness, an army of good dorks attack Kent’s car. Later, Kent, flanked by our heroes Mitch and Chris, finds the car rebuilt in his room. Ah . . . REVENGE is sweet. Later, Chris visits Hathaway, who is busy in a meeting with the military-weapons guys. To pass the time, Chris clumsily hits on the daughter of one of the military-weapons guys; she blows him off, much to Chris’ chagrin. Later, even more to Chris’ chagrin, Hathaway, displeased with Chris’ behavior, threatens to flunk Chris out of school. Ah . . . REVENGE has taken a turn! Touché, professor. Later that night, Mitch finds Chris out on a random balcony and they have a little chat. Chris, it seems, has blinked out and turned Lazlo on Mitch, but Mitch turns the tables by now giving Chris advice! That’s a quick turnaround in the character-development department, I must say. Mitch, just because this must be the REVENGE portion of the picture, tells Chris that they must get even with Hathaway and foil his evil schemes! REVENGE: ask for it by name.
Of course, this quest for REVENGE may have been Hathaway’s motivational technique all along as we cut to yet another music montage! During said montage, Lazlo watches Chris and Mitch study intently. Umm . . . Chris and Mitch are studying intently; Lazlo isn’t watching intently. That’d just be creepy. Then again, if a pallid X-Pac look-alike living in your closet isn’t creepy enough, I don’t know what is. Anyway, one of the random, nameless dorks freaks out in the common room and then Chris and Mitch blow stuff up with the laser and celebrate because they made a really cool line graph on an old CRT. Sometime later, Chris and Mitch, burning the midnight oil during an intense study session, catch Lazlo coming into the room . . . or leaving the room. It’s not quite clear which. Lazlo reveals that he hacked all of Hathaway’s previous exams and he also explains the reason for the multitudes of postcards in his lair: he’s entering a Frito-Lay contest millions and millions of times. Mitch, finally comfortable with Lazlo’s presence, goes to bed; Lazlo, perhaps ruining the comfort level, offers his pyjamas.
Once Mitch enters his room, he’s in for the shock of his life, as there is the HOT CHICK from earlier in the picture waiting for him! I guess she’s REALLY impressed by big . . . brains. Instead of doing the deed with a significantly older woman, Mitch bugs out and goes down the hall to see Jordan; ah, he’s just going to try to get into her pants by making her jealous. True enough, as Mitch explains that he fended off the HOT CHICK’s advances, mainly because he wanted to get with Jordan. So, unsurprisingly, they make out. You know, you’d think that a girl as smart as her wouldn’t fall for those games; I guess she’s just like any other dork who finds some attention from a member of the opposite sex: cheap, easy, and desperate. Back at Hathaway’s place, the nerdy little military-weapons guy that keeps showing up at inopportune moments shows up at an inopportune moment and freaks out at the good professor. Well, maybe not the “good” professor. How about the “slimy” professor? Much better.
Down in the lab, everyone is psyched for Hathaway’s final exam, so they dimwittedly leave Kent behind in the lab. Kent, since he is an evil WASP, sabotages the laser with a little well-placed grease. Now, why they’re lubing cars in a laser lab is beyond me. I guess the guys need to earn money somehow. After Kent’s treachery is completed, he joins the rest of the group in an expert music montage surrounding Hathaway’s final exam. Kent, since he does nothing but suck up in his own WASP-y way, freaks out during the test, but Chris is cool and calm. After finishing his blue-book WAY ahead of everyone else, he gives Hathaway an apple on his way out; said apple, a yummy treat at any other time, explodes after Hathaway throws it out. Oops. Down in the lab, Chris runs a test of the laser but, due to Kent’s subterfuge, it explodes in a fiery conflagration. Kent, perhaps gloating in his WASP-fueled evil, later reveals himself as the culprit, leading Chris to finally join his over-stressed engineering brethren in a good, old-fashioned FREAK OUT! Some how, this isn’t an ordinary freak out, as Chris beats up a refrigerator and then has an epiphany regarding ice! Ah . . . the wonders of creative genius. It’s a good thing Ritalin wasn’t so prevalent back then or else this would be a VERY dull movie.
Now, much like Einstein’s treatises on time, there’s also a theory regarding films: the closer you are to the end and the more plot lines you have yet to resolve, the quicker the remaining film will be. That being said, there’s a lot left to take care of, so the movie kicks into HIGH GEAR right about here. Hold on tight, kids. Anyway, after Chris’s moment of realization, his satori, if you will, he goes off in search of Mitch. No word on whether or not he finds Leonard Nimoy looking for him as well. After, apparently, finding Mitch, Chris then goes off to rouse Hathaway, who, it seems, is boning the HOT CHICK daughter from earlier in the film. It’s good to be a professor, whether it be getting tenure or giving ten inches. Then again, the last thing I ever wanted to do in this column was reference William Atherton’s package. Ugh . . . sorry about that.
Anyway, back at the lab – but not on the slab, Chris explains his new breakthrough theory: Olestra may give you anal leakage, but it’s still damned tasty. Oh, and the fuel source for the laser would be more efficient in a solid state in the form of ice rather than as vapor. Ooh . . . cutting edge! Chris then demonstrates his hypothesis and succeeds in burning a hole through the test sample, the wall, the building, a statue outside, and a billboard down the street. A couple million years from now, he’ll probably be responsible for the destruction of a planet when the laser beam reaches its final destination. Then again, what will he care? He’s Batman. After the successful trial, Hathaway goes catatonic and Kent freaks out due to Chris finally winning the day. After Hathaway leaves, Chris and Mitch celebrate with burgers, some friends, and Lazlo. Of course, having Lazlo around isn’t so good, since he gets all conspiratorial regarding the laser’s true application. Oh Lazlo . . . just have a burger and have some fun. Pyjama-wearing party pooper.
Actually, my ill-will is misplaced, as it turns out that, after the crew goes back to the lab, the laser and all its accoutrements are gone! Chris, once again, flips out . . . having Mitch around must’ve had a deleterious effect on his psyche. Lazlo, now not the craziest one in the room, gets an idea and the group puts it into action. First, the good dork army gasses Kent in his room. Once the sinister WASP is incapacitated, our high-IQ heroes hook a radio receiver to his braces; when he comes too, he hears the voice of Mitch/Jesus in his head. Mitch, the ersatz Son of Jehovah, interrogates Kent about the laser. Kent, like a good, God-fearing WASP, gives up as much information as he knows regarding the final fate of the laser. Mitch then, as a parting shot, tells Kent to stop masturbating and leaves him be.
Next, the good dork army strikes at Hathaway’s house while he’s away at a nearby military base. The crew of do-gooders breaks into his house and rigs it with . . . something. There’s so much going on right now that it’s hard to fully transcribe. Like I said: WARP SPEED! Stephen Hawking would be proud. Or would he be not proud? Like death. You know . . . be not proud? And to think that I could’ve been an engineer and instead I studied literature. Go figure. Anyway, after surreptitiously setting up Hathaway’s house with whatever they did, half the good dork army retreats to Lazlo’s secret lair while Mitch and Chris conspire to infiltrate the military base. While dressed as very angry technicians, Mitch and Chris sneak into the experimental aircraft involved in the laser test and, with Lazlo’s help, they hack into its targeting computer. Lazlo, from the safety of his hidden lair, reprograms the firing coordinates; moments after he finishes, Hathaway and the military guys take one last, cursory look at the inner workings of the aircraft. Chris and Mitch, meanwhile, hide out, which makes Hathaway noticeably jumpy. I guess his “evil professor-sense” is tingling.
The next morning, Mitch Christ has another conversation with Kent. Then a group of Inquisitors show up and flay the flesh from our favorite WASP’s bones with tongues of fire as punishment for his obvious heresy. Or Mitch of Nazareth just tells Kent to go over to Hathaway’s at a certain time later that morning. Either is good enough for me. Speaking of Hathaway’s house, Chris and Mitch wait in a ditch across the street; moments later, Jordan shows up with the dingy, fluffy slipper-clad dean and the Asian guy brings a Congressman. I think the Asian guy wins. Over at the base, Hathaway buys time by explaining the science of the scene; pay attention, dear readers . . . you might learn something. Back at Hathaway’s, Kent shows up and, against the wishes of the good dork army, he goes into the house like the moronic WASP that he is. Inside, he finds a giant ball of foil. Ah . . . so God was in Pee Wee Herman’s closet all along. Go figure. Meanwhile, high in the atmosphere, the laser fires and, due to Lazlo’s careful calculations, it hits Hathaway’s house and focuses on the mysterious ball of foil. Oh no! The Defense Department is killing God! Actually, it must just make God angry, as the foil ball begins expanding . . . and popcorn starts emitting from it! So God is now a giant Jiffy Pop? I swear . . . you learn a new thing every day. Anyway, the house fills with popcorn; in fact, an amount of popcorn far too large for the amount in the foil ball . . . but it’s not my place to criticize. Hathaway, watching from a camera at the base, freaks out at the sight of his house. Meanwhile, Lazlo pulls up with his plethora of prizes from the mail-in contest . . . as well as the HOT CHICK from earlier in the picture. I guess Lazlo does have the biggest . . . brain . . . of them all. Hathaway finds his house a wreck later and we finally learn that, while there is much rejoicing, REVENGE is truly sweet. Or, at least, popcorn-flavored.
OK, even though I like this movie, even I have to admit that it is, on more than one occasion, cheesy. I do have to give credit to the filmmakers for fashioning a film where intelligence is a blessing and not a curse, but it’s still an ‘80s comedy and, therefore, inherently cheesy. Plus, even though it is a movie related to science and physics in particular, that doesn’t mean that they have to mess with the space/time continuum in order to resolve all the hanging plotlines. Pacing, people . . . why can’t you remember pacing? All in all, though, this is one of those few Misunderstood Masterpieces you shouldn’t be ashamed to watch, if only because Atherton rules all smarmy bastards. You’ll never see another like him; that’s for sure.
Anyway, join me next week as we traverse to a different field and study just what happens when you combine electricity, technology, and raging hormones in Weird Science. See you then!
