Misunderstood Masterpieces: Street Fighter
Posted by Will Helm on 04.26.2005
…or, Hadoken Is CAPCOM-Speak for “This Movie Is Awful”
Just when you thought you were safe, a certain genre of films has seemingly come back into vogue . . . and that’s not a good thing. You may remember a few months back that I covered one of them, the wholly abysmal House of the Dead. Well, just in case you thought that the terribleness of that film would stop Hollywood from making more of these pictures, you’d be wrong. Recently, there was the legendary failure Alone in the Dark – brought to you by Uwe Boll, purveyor of the aforementioned House of the Dead; in coming months are such promising offerings as Doom, featuring The Rock; Spy Hunter, ALSO featuring The Rock; and Bloodrayne . . . which I don’t think has The Rock anywhere near it, but it does have the chick from Terminator 3. Oh, and – in case you haven’t noticed – they’re all films based off of video games.
That is not to say that videogame films are anything new; in fact, in the next three weeks, we’ll be studying some of the worst videogame movies of the first generation . . . the Genesis to the new XBox crop. First up is a film featuring a legendary manly-man, as well as a crop of minor stars and random folks: 1994’s Street Fighter. Before we cut to the chase, I figure that some introductory material is in order, just so that we know what we’re dealing with – and so that you might understand some of the TERRIBLE inside jokes to come. From the movie . . . not from me. I never, ever write any inside jokes. Then again, that in itself could be an inside joke. Anyway, in 1987, videogame maker CAPCOM released the original Street Fighter to arcades worldwide. It was a mediocre offering, hampered by a novel – but odd – hydraulic control system. After revamping the controls to the traditional “six-button” layout, CAPCOM scored a hit with the sequel, 1991’s Street Fighter II. In a short amount of time, Street Fighter II became the premier fighting game, found in arcades and on home consoles everywhere. Of course, with success comes imitators, and there were plenty. CAPCOM, wisely, continued to tweak the system, adding more and more complex and inventive innovations to the gameplay in further iterations of the game. Nowadays, the Street Fighter series is regarded, by many, as a gold standard in the 2-D fighter genre. Sadly, it had to be so successful and so well regarded that a film was made based on it. The film . . . oh boy. Just read on.
Just so you know there’s cheese ahead, the movie begins by morphing the time-tested and recognizable Universal logo into the “Street Fighter symbol”: a globe with lightning bolt wings. Ooh. How novel. Anyway, once-famous newsman Sander Vanocur gives us some helpful exposition to set the scene of the film. It seems that, according to Sander – most underrated of the power tools – some random Southeast Asian country has undergone a civil war. Hmm . . . when don’t they undergo a civil war? It’s not like they’re a bastion of stability, you know. Anyway, the country, which features a city known as Shadaloo, is in the clutches of an EVIL dictator named M. Bison (Raul Julia). Sometimes I have to wonder if there have been any good dictators; they seem to be few and far between. Anyway, Monsieur Bison (that is what the abbreviation “M.” stands for) is all angry and posturing, so he imprisons some hostages and cold-bloodedly kills a few prisoners-of-war. Mental note: remind me never, ever to piss off Gomez Addams.
In the town of Shadaloo, intrepid reporter Chun-Li (Ming-Na) attempts to interview tough-talking, straight-shooting Col. William Guile (Jean-Claude Van Damme). Guile, instead of having a civilized discussion with the HOT CHICK journalist, grabs the microphone and calls out Monsieur Bison; Bison responds by interrupting the broadcast with a righteous fury. Meanwhile, in the newsvan, extraneous characters Balrog (Grand L. Bush – greatest name ever), a black cameraman; E. Honda (Peter Tuiasosopo), an overweight tech-guy; and Guile’s second-in-command Cammy (Kylie Minogue . . . yes, THAT Kylie Minogue), attempt to trace Bison’s signal. Guile, unimpressed with Bison’s technical prowess, doesn’t give up his rough façade, so Bison responds by giving Guile three days to either rescue the hostages or pay the villain an obscene amount of money to . . . do something. It’s never quite clear just what Bison is blackmailing the world for, honestly. There are some hints later, but I’ll be sure to let you all know. Guile takes a parting shot at his antagonist, so Bison wisely sends a P.O.W. chum of Guile’s to the laboratory for some undetermined reason.
Somehow, we end up cutting to a pit fight in the seedier part of Shadaloo; of course, that’s not saying much, since all of Shadaloo is the seedy part. In the ring, some fake Latino Wolverine guy wins his fight . . . ah, he must be the legendary Vega (Jay Tavare), a.k.a. the guy with the mask, tights, and claw. As opposed to Wolverine, who has the mask, tights, and claws. Plural. It makes all the difference. Two vaguely familiar guys meet with local one-eyed crime lord Sagat (Wes Studi . . . who I originally thought was Pete Postlethwaite); when not editing his well-known series of restaurant review books, he’s apparently also the great criminal element in Shadaloo. The two familiar guys, who actually turn out to be Ken Masters (Damian Chapa) and Ryu (Byron Mann), make a little arms deal with Sagat. Of course, it turns out that it’s a double-cross, as Sagat stole the weapons out from under the noses of Ken and Ryu. Then again, it just so happens that it’s a double-double-cross, since the weapons weren’t weapons at all, but Nerf guns! Ken & Ryu: crafty. Ken and Ryu, their ruse revealed, tear up the place in an attempt to escape from the den of iniquity.
Meanwhile, out in the jungle, Monsieur Bison meets with an angry Indian scientist named Dhalsim (Roshan Seth). It seems that Dr. Dhalsim has the unenviable task of turning Guile’s imprisoned buddy into some sort of mad killer using psychotherapy. Ah . . . I guess Bison’s a big fan of A Clockwork Orange then. Dhalsim however, as he is really a captive of the evil despot, is apprehensive and rebellious. Ah, are those ethics I sense? What kind of a doctor is he anyway? Bison tells Dhalsim that he’s only to worry about the mental part of the experiment; his chemists are planning on filling Guile’s buddy with Gatorade just to see what happens after Dhalsim is done. I’m not kidding, either; Bison actually has a cart with IV bags filled with what seems to be Gatorade. Speaking of which, does anyone else miss the Lemon Ice flavor they had in the late ‘90s? That was some good stuff.
Back at Sagat’s House of Pit Fights and Waffles, Ryu learns that he is to fight Vega in the cage! Vega, meanwhile, impresses the ladies by doing a backflip in the ring. Good for him. He’s still a fake Wolverine . . . but with much more pageantry. Before the fight can start, however – since that would be bad in a movie titled Street Fighter – Guile drives a personnel carrier into the festivities and arrests everyone. Later, back at the base, Guile has a staff meeting with his troops. During the planning session, Guile coolly beats up an evil waiter; I guess the coffee was weak. In the military prison helpfully outside the window, Sagat gives a nod and the entire cafeteria clears out. Wow . . . now that’s power. It seems that there’s going to be a rumble . . . TONIGHT! Someone’s taking a tumble . . . TONIGHT! Oh, wait . . . wrong movie. Ken and Ryu, the targets of Sagat’s disdain, clear out his unnamed henchman when they attack. Guile, watching from the helpfully located window above, tells his underlings that he wants a word with Ken and Ryu. Hmm . . . I wonder why.
Over at Bison’s, Dr. Dhalsim works his magic on the prisoner, but he’s still apprehensive and wracked with ethical conundrums. Over at the good guys’ base, clumsy refugees arrive from the back of a military truck. Oh . . . so they’re bussing them in then? I guess they couldn’t afford to get into Shadaloo Prep. Guile, since he is a master of psychology, walks Ken and Ryu through the field hospital in order to guilt trip them into helping him and his cause. We’re never certain if they agree, since Guile’s next order is to send all of the prisoners to the harbor, where they’ll probably all be lined up, shot, and dumped into the icy depths. Mmm . . . yummy criminal mastermind fish food. Ken and Ryu, not content to spend the rest of the existence at the bottom of Cape Shadaloo, have a badly staged fight, during which Ryu takes one of the guards’ keys. Once in the prisoner transport, Ryu sets himself, Ken, Sagat, and Vega free and they hijack the truck! During the JAILBREAK, Ken “shoots” Guile; meanwhile, Chun-Li places a tracer beacon on the truck as it drives by her. Of course, this is little cause for celebration, since heroic hero Guile is now “dead.”
Back at Bison’s base, we learn his raison d’être: he’s planning to build an evil . . . shopping mall? Well, his model does include a food court. Unfortunately for Bison, his sinister strategy session is rudely interrupted by the news that his rival Guile has tragically been killed. Instead of jumping for joy at the prospect of his evil antics going on unopposed, Bison gets all disappointed and philosophical, mainly because he wasn’t on hand to do the deed himself. Somehow, this segues into Bison wondering just why the world thinks of him as a mad dictator when, really, he’s just a misunderstood genius. Yeah . . . you and me both, pal. Then again, I’m not the one planning on creating an army of genetically modified soldiers, so perhaps he is a wee bit crazy there. Of course, his bioengineered ideas are all in the name of peace, so I guess it evens out.
Back in Shadaloo, Chun-Li tracks the getaway truck from the confines of her newsvan. It seems that there’s another signal in addition to the one coming from her tracking device. In order to find out where it’s coming from, she dons some clothing meant for surreptitious reconnaissance and sneaks out of the newsvan and into a house. Ah . . . I guess she’s a “ninjournalist” then. Once in the house, she sneaks around for no particular reason until she comes upon the helpfully labeled morgue. Unsurprisingly, since it is a helpfully labeled morgue, there’s a lot of freaky stuff in there, including the source of the other tracking signal and the corpse of “dead” Guile. Of course, since we all knew that the murder during the escape was staged – except for the characters in the film, mind you – Guile comes back to life! Hallelujah! Chun-Li, now that she has Guile’s attention, explains that she has the whole situation figured out – since she’s an accomplished “ninjournalist” – and the only reason she’s involved is because she wants REVENGE! Oh good. Revenge. Yay. Not only is it REVENGE, mind you, but stinky 20-year-old REVENGE! Well, Chun-Li isn’t a 20-year-old, but her wrath has lasted that long. Instead of letting her go on her path of VENGEANCE, Guile instead shocks us all by arresting Chun-Li; she resists by escaping out a conveniently placed window.
Over at Bison’s makeshift shopping center/caravan, the villains watch a magic show . . . and the performers are our intrepid team of “ninjournalists”! While the Copperfield-esque performance goes on, Ken and Ryu chat about just what they’ve gotten themselves into. While Ryu voices his misgivings, Ken breaks away to go off and hit on an incognito Chun-Li. Meanwhile, Bison and Sagat, bored with the soiree, play with their guns instead. I could make a Freudian joke right about now, but I’m not one for psychology. Sagat, since he is a criminal mastermind, would like to see some compensation for the armaments; Bison offers land, but Sagat wishes for something a little more fungible . . . namely, cold hard cash. Instead of reimbursing Sagat, Bison just ignores the subject and rattles off his spate of mad, world-dominating plans, as if to say, indirectly, “money? What money?” Oh, that Bison; he’s a crafty one! Elsewhere, Chun-Li captures Ryu and Ken and, during this bit of exposition, her associates reveal they’re failed athletes with a score to settle with Bison and Sagat. Oh, come now . . . there’s no sense in blaming your shortcomings on mad dictators and crime lords. Immature fools. While Ken, Ryu, and the “ninjournalists” commiserate, Sagat and Bison face off in the next room . . . and then Ken and Ryu have the misfortune of bumbling into the middle of the conflict! Oops. The TENSION is broken up by the dulcet tones of Chun-Li’s voice . . . on a recording which helpfully tells the evil Bison that an exploding truck is heading his way as she speaks! The tent, unsurprisingly, explodes.
Luckily for Guile’s troops, a surveillance satellite picks up the explosion, allowing them to pinpoint Bison’s not-so-secret fortress. Speaking of the fortress, it is there that we learn that Bison and his cronies have somehow captured Chun-Li and her friends. Bison wisely sends Honda and Balrog to be tortured and interrogated and Chun-Li up to his bedroom for a different kind of probing. Just in case you were wondering just how Chun-Li and her accomplices ended up in Bison’s clutches, we discover that Ken and Ryu sold them out . . . even though they’re technically the “good guys.” Ah . . . there’s nothing like muddled morality in a videogame movie. Over in Shadaloo, Guile – with his weird accent – briefs his troops; oddly enough, they can understand him clearly, since most of them have weird accents as well. Once again at Bison’s, some random guy whips Honda while Balrog watches, chained to the wall. OK . . . if anyone brings out the gimp, I’m shutting the movie off. The random torturer, unhappy with Honda’s lack of reaction, exits and then, in his wake, Honda and Balrog joke around and then stage a JAILBREAK! AC/DC, as always, would be proud.
Elsewhere in Bison’s headquarters of doom, Ken and Ryu appear, now dressed in their videogame clothes, and are briefed as to the protocols of being one of Bison’s nameless troops by burly Russian Zangief (Andrew “Leatherface ‘03” Bryniarski). Meanwhile, Guile, readying an assault on Bison’s lair, lines his loyal troops up at what appears to be the Vatican. Before Guile has a chance to send his soldiers out to their deaths, some nerdy diplomat guy (Simon Callow) shows up to tell Guile that they’re going to pay off Bison so they can all go home. Alright! Score one for pacifism and diplomacy! Guile, unhappy with that arrangement, gives his farewell speech, since the nerdy diplomat relieved him of command. Guile, now unemployed, still talks tough and vows to not give up the fight! Surprisingly, the now free troops mutiny and side with Guile, which probably means they’ve all signed their death warrants after the inevitable court marshals. Good work, Guile. The troops – and Guile – enthusiastically move out and head up the river. No word on whether or not they found John Kerry while they were there.
In Bison’s bedroom, Chun-Li – now dressed in her videogame garb – explains the origins of her beef with Bison while he changes into something a little more comfortable. Behind a dressing screen, thankfully. It seems that, twenty years prior, Bison killed Chun-Li’s father when he had the audacity to oppose the madman during his reign of terror. Bison, perhaps showing his age, reveals that he doesn’t remember this event, since his entire life has become a drab existence of raping and pillaging. The thrill is gone, I suppose. Elsewhere in the base, Balrog and Honda bust out and threaten Ken and Ryu; somehow, through the awesome power of good, they end up as allies after a little tête-à-tête. Once again in Bison’s boudoir, Chun-Li reveals – yet again – that she wants REVENGE, but Bison, smooth operator that he is, thinks she’s all talk. Unbelievably, she responds by BEATING THE HELL OUT OF HIM; unfortunately for her, before she can finish the deed, her allies show up, allowing Bison to escape and incapacitate the do-gooders with some gas.
Out in the wilds, Guile, with Cammy and T. Hawk (Gregg Rainwater) by his side, is still going up river . . . and he looks terribly constipated. Perhaps to loosen his bowels, he takes a little detour from the main assault group and pops in a videotape of him hanging out with his P.O.W. buddy from earlier in the film. And, speaking of said buddy, just how is he doing? Well, the ethical Indian doctor is, apparently, turning the guy into a cross between the Incredible Hulk and Yahoo Serious while showing him what seems to be Metallica’s “One” video over and over again. The doctor, perhaps not happy with Dalton Trumbo’s directorial skills, switches the video for some shiny, happy visuals, contenting the Incredible Yahoo. Elsewhere, Bison brings his new prisoners into the sanctum sanctorum of his stronghold to watch him in his moment of triumph. Maybe they’ll pick up a few pointers along the way, so that they won’t get beaten so easily next time. On the river, Guile’s boat goes into stealth mode and he blows up a few radar dishes. Unsurprisingly, Bison notices that a few of his radar dishes have blown up, so he figures out what’s going on and readies his defenses. Oh . . . you can also add him to the group of people unsurprised that Guile is still alive; oddly, he wants to finish the deed himself, so he uses a videogame controller to mine Guile’s boat and blow it up. He is winner!
Down in the lab, the Indian doctor fights with some guy when some guy discovers the Indian doctor’s ethics fueled treachery. During the scuffle, the now-mutated buddy escapes from his capsule and beats up the random bad guy. Outside, Guile and his associates – totally dry and PERFECTLY UNHARMED – reconnoiter the evil Bison’s lair. Guile, during his observations, falls into a pit . . . but he’s still PERFECTLY UNHARMED and now inside Bison’s headquarters! Elsewhere, we discover that Bison’s deadline has passed, which means that the game is over! Or not, as Bison gets quite perturbed when he discovers that his bank account is still the same as it was before the deadline: empty. You know, bad checks are always the first step into a life of crime and insane dictatorship. While Guile makes his way through the lower parts of the base, Bison threatens the hostages with bodily harm . . . even though his deadline passes minutes before. Honestly, he should be taking care of business right about now and not venting his frustrations. I guess he has to stall and wait for Guile to get into position for the next spot, like a jobber taking the People’s Elbow. Speaking of Guile, he’s wasting time in the lab which, oddly enough, lays in waste. He finds his buddy, the Incredible Yahoo, and Guile reasons with him, since the buddy still has a modicum of sentience. Guile, for some unknown reason, pulls a gun on his buddy, perhaps planning a mercy killing, but Dr. Dhalsim stops him before he can pull the trigger and put his buddy out of his mutated misery.
Once more in Bison’s inner sanctum, Bison kills more time by giving the usual gloating villain speech to the hostages. I’m sure they care, buddy; they probably just want a sandwich and some rescue right about now. While Dr. Dhalsim explains the long and complicated process of turning the buddy into the Incredible Yahoo, Bison signals for the Incredible Yahoo’s auspicious entrance into the hostage pit. Just to prove that he’s a talented bioengineer, Bison wants the Incredible Yahoo to kill the hostages . . . but Guile flies out of the capsule instead! All hell, unsurprisingly, breaks loose as the intruder alarm gets set off. After the other heroes escape their bindings, Honda goes face to face with Zangief and they wander off somewhere together in slow motion. Probably a warm sandy beach. Where they’ll drink piña coladas and get caught in the rain. Guile, meanwhile, tells Ken, Ryu, Chun-Li, Balrog, and a bunch of other people to free the hostages while he goes off to take all the glory for himself. Ah, that Guile; he’s a selfless warrior.
Outside, the troops invade Bison’s base and Bison’s most trusted henchman, Dee Jay (Miguel A. Nunez, Jr.), deserts him. Elsewhere, Ken and Ryu argue again, since Ken wants to leave post-haste but Ryu wants to stick around because he’s a hero now. Guile’s troops, since they’re apparently better trained that Bison’s nameless legions, take over the base, but their true quarry – Bison – is missing . . . and gloating about it. Guile, unimpressed with Bison’s guest appearance on the plethora of television screens in his inner sanctum, wants to go mano y mano with Bison, so Bison obliges and they engage in some highly choreographed fisticuffs. In another room, Honda and Zangief “hilariously” step all over the model of Bison’s mall like two stereotypical Japanese guys in monster suits would. Elsewhere, Chun-Li and Balrog search for the hostages that everyone else also seems to be looking for. Bison and Guile, meanwhile, are still fighting . . . until Bison is untimely electrocuted. Guile, utilizing the end of his nemesis, calls up Cammy for a report, which merely serves as a distraction while Bison comes back to life!
The newly reinvigorated Bison, channeling Emperor Palpatine, shoots lightning at Guile from his fingers! Whoa . . . freaky. Elsewhere, Ken and Ryu, now truly heroes, find themselves ambushed by Vega and Sagat. They pair off and engage in some of their own highly choreographed fisticuffs. While Bison starts messing with the laws of physics and flying around with his magic boots, Ken and Ryu defeat Vega and Sagat after a token rumble. Up in the inner sanctum once again, Bison is still shocking Guile with his Force Lightning; Guile, perhaps utilizing his namesake, kicks flying Bison out of the air and into his television wall to his doom! With Bison now eliminated – rather anticlimactically – everyone retreats to the outside. During the fleeing, Dee Jay tells Zangief that Bison was really a bad guy, so Zangief has an immediate change of heart and becomes a good guy out of the blue. I guess they didn’t want to kill off the comic relief. Guile, meanwhile, not content to leave his comrades behind, goes in search of the Incredible Yahoo; Dr. Dhalsim, now somehow dressed like an ersatz Gandhi, confesses that he will take care of the Incredible Yahoo as a form of atonement for his inhuman experiments. After this moment of reconciliation, the base blows up . . . and all the heroes outside are sad, since Guile was still inside! While Bison’s troops surrender, Guile makes his triumphant return from death once more! Hallelujah x2! With that, our heroes are laughing and happy . . . so happy, in fact, that they close the movie by spontaneously assuming their victory poses from the videogame! Hadoken!
It’s actually a bit bittersweet that this film, as terrible as it is, should go out on such a happy note as master thespian Raul Julia died not long after production ceased and the film, rather sadly, is dedicated to him. Of course, such dedications do little to improve the quality of the film, which is a meandering, plodding, and – most significantly – dull mockery of the Street Fighter legacy. Honestly, I don’t know whose idea it was, but the woefully forced shoehorning of every single solitary character – save one: Fei Long – into the film just makes it jumbled and confusing. This becomes most clear at the very end, when Guile sends everyone else to go after the hostages, pretty much just to give them all something to do. Aside from the glut of characters, the rest of the film is cheesy and formulaic, with too much plot and far too little fighting . . . which is ironic in a film titled Street Fighter.
Then again, if you want fighting, come back next week when I shall bring you perhaps Street Fighter’s greatest rival . . . or, at least, its sequel. See you then!
