Misunderstood Masterpieces 03.10.09: Titanic

Posted by Will Helm on 03.10.2009

...or, The King of the World Is About to Be Overthrown..

When it comes to Best Picture years, there may not be a more impressive lineup than the list of nominees from the . That year, all five contenders were remarkable films and could have been Best Picture winners in any given year . . . except maybe for the year's requisite British comedy, The Full Monty, which is still a spectacular movie in its own right. First up that year was Good Will Hunting, a film that proved that Ben Affleck and Matt Damon were pretty good writers, as long as they can speak in their native accents. In addition, it showed a that mathematical genius makes a great lead character years before A Beautiful Mind.

Next among the nominees was As Good as It Gets, which features Best Actor winner Jack Nicholson at his most charming and most obsessive-compulsive, alongside Best Actress winner Helen Hunt in her best role since Trancers . . . but maybe not better than Trancers. Perhaps the strongest contender of the year was the masterful retro-noir L.A. Confidential, based on the James Ellroy book of the same name. A certain winner any other year, L.A. Confidential, sadly, lost out to the year's eventual winner, which also happens to to be the highest grossing film of all time: Titanic.

Of course, the tale of the film is almost as interesting – if not more so; more on that later – than the film itself. Nearly bankrupting Paramount Pictures and 20th Century Fox with its gargantuan production, Titanic was, at the time, the most expensive movie ever made, with a budget of $200 million. Due to post-production delays, the film was pushed back from a promising summer release date to a release date in the usual dead zone of December, usually a grim sign for a picture. Oddly, this became the film's saving grace, as Titanic debuted well and carried that momentum through the holiday season of 1997 and beyond, eventually earning a worldwide gross of $1.8 billion, which still reigns well ahead of the number two film, The Lord of The Rings: The Return of the King . . . though Titanic is actually sixth in the U.S. when adjusted for inflation. Of course, numbers don't matter – much, usually, unless the film is titled The Dark Knight – when the Best Picture is considered, but, above all the aforementioned nominees, Titanic – a film that is beloved by millions . . . of then-teenage girls – won out, but did it deserve to among such competition? Could it be that Titanic isn't really the best film of 1997, but merely a Misunderstood Masterpiece? Let's find out!

Deep in the abyss of the ocean, where weird water monsters frolic and Ed Harris nearly drowns, Bill Paxton peers out of a porthole as Apollo 11 touches down in the background. Or, at least, that's what it sounds like on the radio. Bill Paxton, being awesome, finds a ship on the bottom of the sea and waxes poetic, until Harry Knowles (Lewis Abernathy) – or a reasonable facsimile thereof – ambles over to show his disapproval of Bill Paxton's lyrical interlude. Alas, Bill Paxton is nonplussed by his cohort's objections, especially because the ship in question is the famed RMS Titanic.

Perhaps to take his mind of his colleague's spoil-sport ways, Bill Paxton sends a little robot to investigate the wreck, where creepy artifacts lie in sullen stillness on the sea floor. Great . . . now I'm waxing poetic. Bill Paxton, perhaps a bit of a voyeur, then sends the droid into one of the ship's bedrooms, where he searches a wardrobe. So is this some sort of archaeological panty raid? I suppose not, as, instead of frilly lingerie, Bill Paxton finds a safe; whether it's to his dismay or elation isn't made quite clear yet. Things get a little more depressing later, when the safe is brought to the surface and all Bill Paxton finds inside is rusty money, leading Bill Paxton into a depressive fit. His mood brightens, though, when one of his associates unearths a nude drawing amid the artifacts! Yay; 80-year-old porn!

After this discovery, somewhere, an old lady (Gloria Stuart) spins clay pots, perhaps waiting for the ghost of Patrick Swayze to take her from behind. Excuse me while I go vomit for typing that; I'll only be a sec. Anyway, instead of illicit, otherworldly lovin', the old lady is rudely interrupted from her fantasy by a news story about the nude picture from the Titanic, which the news surprisingly shows in full glory without blurring or anything. I'm sure more than a few news directors were fired as per FCC regulations for that oversight. For reasons yet unrevealed, the old lady somehow tracks down Bill Paxton – who's floating in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean – and regales him with some IMPORTANT PLOT POINTS, specifically that she's the nude chick from the picture. Umm . . . ugh. Like me, though, Harry Knowles is suspicious.

In another preposterous turn, the old lady, with her granddaughter (Suzy Amis) in tow, visits Bill Paxton, against Harry Knowles' wishes. Once on board the ship, the old lady looks at the picture and has a flashback and then she provides more IMPORTANT PLOT POINTS while surveying more artifacts pulled from the wreck. Later, Harry Knowles, perhaps as a form of psychological testing – or torture, recreates the sinking of the Titanic for the old lady using his fancy computer graphics and self-provided sound effects. Hehe . . . nerd. Bill Paxton, not content to continue this charade, tells the old lady to get down to business because he wants to know the real story of the Titanic, so the old lady starts having a psychotic episode and flashbacks, which must put her in some sort of trance, as she begins reminiscing about her time on the Titanic . . . or she's trippin' ballz.

Either way, the scene shifts to 1912, where the Titanic is loaded for its maiden voyage from Southampton and a young lady named Rose DeWitt-Bukater (Kate Winslet) is there with her giant hat. In addition to her impressive chapeau, Rose also has Billy Zane in tow; I guess she's a fan of The Phantom. Meanwhile, Billy Zane has David Warner in tow as well, who muscles a deckhand just because he was in TRON and the deckhand wasn't. While all of this is going on – which isn't much at all, the old lady recounts how she doesn't want to get on the Titanic at all – ooh, foreshadowing – as she's to be a slave in America. I didn't know Billy Zane was into that kind of thing; kinky.

Elsewhere in Southampton, lovable rogue Jack Dawson (Leonardo DiCaprio) plays poker with an Italian guy (Danny Nucci) and two Swedes for tickets onto the Titanic. After Jack spouts some pop philosophy, he wins the hand with a full house and he and the Italian guy rush over to the Titanic while the two Swedes get in a fight for no particular reason. Maybe because one of the Swedes might be a Russian. It's all very unclear . . . especially like how the old lady knew this is going on if she's supposedly recounting the story from Rose's point-of-view. Anyway, in another scene the old lady would've known nothing about, Jack and the Italian guy run onto the Titanic as it sets sail.

Later that afternoon, Rose decorates her stateroom with paintings by famous contemporary masters, like Picasso and Monet, while Billy Zane complains about her taste in art. Probably because there isn't enough nudity in what Rose has with her. Meanwhile, Molly Brown (Kathy Bates) arrives on board in Cherbourg, where I've heard there's lovely umbrellas. Anyway, while Molly Brown sasses at everyone around her because she's an impetuous bourgeois American, Captain Theoden (Bernard Hill) surveys the ocean and puts the ship in high gear. As the wind whips over the deck of the Titanic thanks to its impressive speed, Jack and the Italian guy climb onto the bow and marvel at dolphins in a scene that is not at all homoerotic. Nope. Jack, caught up in the moment, then proclaims himself "king of the world" for no reason other than the fact the film really needed a scene to be mocked for years after its release.

Over lunch, the ship's designer and the film's true, unsung hero Thomas Andrews (Victor Garber) brags about the Titanic while Rose smokes, much to Billy Zane's and her mom's (Frances Fisher) chagrin. Molly Brown, meanwhile, is taken with Rose's rebellious nature, so she mocks Rose's mom and Billy Zane; Rose, perhaps emboldened by the presence of a kindred spirit, then pokes fun at the cruise director (Jonathan Hyde) by inferring that the Titanic is merely a giant, Freudian phallus. Oh, Rose; you cad . . . or whatever the female equivalent of a cad is.

Sometime later, Jack and the Italian guy bond with an Irishman (Jason Barry) on deck and then Jack spies Rose standing on another deck and is instantly smitten as if she's dressed as an angel at a Capulet party. Alas, Billy Zane, professional party pooper – and white-slavery magnate, has to show up and spoil the fun, leading to some good-natured ribbing for Jack from the Italian guy and the Irishman.

Over dinner, Rose goes into a depressive trance and then she has a psychotic episode, which leads her to freak out and run above deck, trampling old socialites en route. Eventually, Rose – who must be in remarkably good shape for a run like that – ends up at the stern of the ship and she climbs over the rail with the intention of escaping her bonds of slavery in the icy depths below. Conveniently, in order to keep the film going, Jack shows up out of nowhere to talk Rose out of her suicidal moment mainly by using reverse psychology and talking about Wisconsin. And here I would've thought mentioning Wisconsin would just make the situation worse.

Remarkably, even though Rose should know better, Jack's spiel works, so she attempts to climb to safety, but she slips instead! Oh well; I guess that's it for the movie. Or not, as Jack rescues her again and, after pulling her to safety, he gets arrested, just because. Rose, perhaps as an act of gratitude or because Jack's likable rogue act gets her all juicy, gets Jack off the hook and she even forces Billy Zane to invite Jack to dinner as repayment. Even though Billy Zane relents, David Warner reveals that he's on to Jack, because you can't fool Sark, boy!

Back safely in her room, Rose is melancholy, so Billy Zane tries to fix the situation by giving her a big, shiny necklace. Apparently, it used to belong to Louis XVI, but he had no need for it anymore, as he lost his neck sometime in the late 18th Century, along with his head. The next day, Jack and Rose reunite and Jack provides some backstory, while Rose simply thanks him politely for saving her life and reputation the night before and then she apologizes because she thinks that he thinks she's an elitist, even though he doesn't and she's not. Or maybe she is. It's really unclear. Or he could even be lying to her. Whatever; it's all an old lady's fuzzy memories anyway.

Jack, who's really into Rose and kind-of, sort-of stalking her even though that's so not romantic, asks Rose if she loves Billy Zane and she flips out at him because that's such a preposterous notion. After all, her mom loves Billy Zane's money and that's what matters most. Of course, Rose, who's a bit naïve and impressionable, is impressed by Jack's impetuousness, so, instead of leaving in a huff, she gets to know Jack better and learn that he's a burgeoning artist . . . with an unhealthy obsession with breasts. Though Rose does point this out, Jack says he's merely into hands, which I'm sure, in his mind, means "breasts."

Meanwhile, at tea, Rose's mom tries to avoid Molly Brown, but Molly inserts herself into Rose's mom's party by sheer force of sass; elsewhere, the cruise director tells Captain Theoden to go faster because he wants to make the New York morning editions, which is another conversation that the old lady would know nothing about. Back on deck, Jack talks about living the life of a Steinbeck character and he tells Rose that he wants to hang out with her in Santa Monica and be a cowboy; as part of that conceit, Jack teaches Rose how to spit off the side of the ship, which is all fun and games until Rose's mom finds them together! Dum-dum-DUM! Though Rose's mom is quite upset, Molly Brown digs Jack because they're also kindred spirits and all and she becomes his mentor . . . or at least lends him a tuxedo for later in the evening.

Later that aforementioned evening, Jack, in his rented tux, goes to dinner, where he apes the landed gentry until Rose finds him and giggles at the act. Billy Zane, meanwhile, insults Jack as only Billy Zane can, but Jack ignores it because he's Jack and Billy Zane isn't. While making their way to the dining room, Rose fills Jack in on all the socialite gossip and Molly introduces him to John Jacob Astor, who Jack outsmarts because, according to the film, the rich are dumb. Over dinner, Rose's mom and Billy Zane form a tag team of insults, but Jack defuses their impunity with his lovable-rogue shtick, which he uses with Molly's blessing, since she's cool. After dinner, as the men make their way to the smoking room for cigars and brandy, Jack slips Rose a note informing her of an illicit meeting he has planned later in the night . . . as if all their meetings aren't illicit to begin with.

After meeting away from the wealthy hoi palloi, Jack and Rose go below deck to take in some nascent Irish punk and pound beers. After a few drinks, Jack teaches Rose some dirty dancing – Johnny Castle would be proud – and they have a solo number together. Later, Rose gets even more drunk and does ballet to impress some guys, while David Warner spies on her from the periphery, probably so he can tell the Master Control Program all about what's going on.

The next morning, Billy Zane lectures Rose over brunch because he knows what went down the night before. Even though it wasn't Rose who went down – or, at least, David Warner didn't see it, Billy Zane freaks out and scolds Rose about honor, so Rose has a fit of apoplexy. Later, Rose's mom joins in on the fun, lecturing Rose as well. Hopefully she remembered to put cover sheets on her TPS reports! Rose's mom then forbids Rose from seeing Jack again, sending a dagger straight into the heart of every teenage girl in the audience, mainly because Rose and Rose's mom are actually poor in everything but name and Rose's mom is pimping out her daughter to Billy Zane.

Later, in the ship's chapel, Captain Theoden leads a dour mass where everyone sings in a manner most depressing. Elsewhere, Jack gives Mr. Andrews, the story's unsung hero, the 1912 equivalent of a high-five before trying to break into the chapel to see Rose. David Warner, who isn't pleased with Jack's persistence, tries to pay off Jack and then has him forcibly ejected; he's worse than that Flynn guy! Jack, still insistent on seeing Rose even more illicitly than before, dons a disguise; meanwhile, Rose questions Mr. Andrews, the story's unsung hero, about the ship's safety precautions, which she's calculated to be a little more than lacking. After Mr. Andrews responds with amazement that Rose can do math, Jack kidnaps Rose and, though she tries to defend her honor, he calls her a brat and then gives her a pep talk. She must really have a thing for abusive relationships.

That afternoon, Rose has tea while Jack broods on the bow. Somehow, Rose finds him and they make out and then, strangely, the ship goes decrepit and Billy Paxton broods as well. I guess this is where the intermission traditionally would be located. As this is a modern movie, there is no intermission, so the scene shifts to Rose taking Jack to her room, where he marvels at her paintings before she shows off her necklace and gets naked for him. Jack's got a boner! Much to his credit, however, he remains professional and sketches her . . . and then Rose turns into the old lady. Wait; is this The Shining now? Either way, Harry Knowles – as per his particular idiom – wants to know if Jack and the old lady got it on, but the old lady is coy on the matter.

Back in 1912, David Warner and Billy Zane argue about Rose; meanwhile, Captain Theoden drinks his tea in a scene symbolic of nothing at all. David Warner, forever on the job, goes off in search of Rose and Jack and they run from him, with Rose flipping off David Warner during the chase. Careful, girl; he'll throw his neon Frisbee at you! Though David Warner keeps on coming, Jack and Rose duck through the engine room and into the cargo hold, where they jump in a car and get it on, just because the movie wouldn't be complete without a little coitus.

Back upstairs, Billy Zane finds a note from Rose in his safe and freaks out. Later, above deck, two guys in the crow's nest watch as Rose and Jack make out and they almost miss a giant iceberg floating in front of the ship. So the Titanic sinking was all the fault of Rose's and Jack's raging hormones? That sounds like an argument for celibacy to me. Though the spotters tell the helmsman to turn hard, the ship hits the iceberg anyway – as it wouldn't be factually accurate without it – and panic ensues. Billy Zane, meanwhile, remains unconcerned with the impending tragedy, as he calmly tells the ship's sergeant-at-arms to arrest Jack for stealing Rose's necklace!

While the ship quickly fills with water on the lowest decks, Mr. Andrews, the story's unsung hero, explains that the Titanic is screwed and the cruise director isn't happy about that fact, probably because he was going to get a bonus if the Titanic didn't sink. Elsewhere, Billy Zane slaps around Rose until a porter orders them to go to the deck. Along the way, Rose tracks down Mr. Andrews, the story's unsung hero, and learns the awful truth about the ship.

As the Titanic's fate is sealed, the crew begins loading the lifeboats while David Warner beats up Jack, just because he can. On deck, Rose flips out as her mom orders her onto a lifeboat, as she'd rather go find Jack – the guy she only met two days before – than row off to safety. Billy Zane, perhaps seeking to literally slap some sense into Rose, roughs her up again. Billy Zane's corporal argument doesn't take hold, as Rose breaks away to once again track down Mr. Andrews, the film's unsung hero, who tells her where Jack is.

On her mad quest to rescue Jack, Rose hijacks an elevator and takes it deep into the waterlogged bowels of the ship, where she finally finds Jack, who's handcuffed to a pipe. Hilariously, after finding Jack, Rose abandons him under the guise of going off to find help; hopefully she wised up and she's realizing that she's only known this guy for two days and he's been stalking her for most of them. Alas, no, as Rose grabs an ax and wades through the water like it's a horror movie before rejoining Jack. Rose, perhaps in a fit of psychosis, tries to cut off Jack's hand with the ax, but she misses and breaks the handcuffs, which is a very convenient turn of events.

After wandering around in the bowels of the ship, Jack and Rose find the Italian guy and the Irishman – who I thought the film forgot about completely – and hatch a plot to escape. To that end, Jack, the Italian guy, the Irishman, and some other guy grab a bench and use it to bust down a gate, leading to a JAILBREAK! Meanwhile, topside, Billy Zane attempts to bribe his way off the ship, but he wanders off to find Rose and criticize her appearance instead. A white-slavery magnate has to take care in his property's appearance, after all. Billy Zane and Jack then put Rose in another lifeboat to sail off to safety, but she once again jumps back onto the ship. Damn this chick is DUMB!

Rose, perhaps wanting to go on the ride again, finds Jack and he, wisely, freaks out at her because she's acting like the foolish, petulant child she really is. Billy Zane, as well, flips out, grabs David Warner's gun, and tries to kill Jack, but he gives up after running out of bullets because he's not into manual labor. Jack and Rose then try to rescue some kid, but another guy kidnaps the kid before they both drown in a deluge of sea water. Oh well. Back on deck, an officer accidentally shoots the Irishman and then himself and then Billy Zane uses a little girl to bumble his way onto a lifeboat. Crafty, Billy Zane.

Below deck, Jack and Rose once again find Mr. Andrews, the story's unsung hero, who's busy having a nervous breakdown. OK, seriously; for most of the movie Mr. Andrews is a peripheral character, only showing up for moments of exposition, but now he's in every other scene! Either make him more important earlier on, or stop showing him now, movie! Meanwhile, in the bridge, Captain Theoden becomes resigned to his fate and lets the ocean swallow him up at the helm. Somehow, even though no one knows the captain is dead, panic ensues once again.

As the ship takes an eternity to sink and even breaks in half in the process, Rose and Jack eventually end up riding the stern of the ship down into the water, where they do some synchronized swimming together. Once Rose rises above the surface of the ocean, some guy tries to drown her, but Jack intercedes to rescue her from the guy. He then puts her on a piece of nearby wood and, over time, freezes to death. Luckily, he makes sure to give Rose a rousing, heartfelt pep talk before sinking down to Davy Jones' locker – which is still right next to Mickey Dolenz's. While Rose floats aimlessly, a lifeboat piloted by Mr. Fantastic (Ioan Gruffudd) finds her and takes her to safety.

After a brief interlude with the old lady, Rose sits on the deck of the RMS Carpathia, where Billy Zane searches fruitlessly for her as she hides from him. He later, according to the old lady, blows his own brains out after the stock-market crash of 1929; no word on whether or not he used David Warner's gun for that. Eventually, Rose arrives in New York and, upon landing, takes Jack's last name as her own, because apparently they were married while he was busy freezing to death in the North Atlantic. Back in modern day, the old lady talks about how she loves Jack – even though she only knew him for two days and he stalked her for most of them – and then, later, Bill Paxton laments the futility of his life's work, as he's actually been searching for the necklace all along. Overnight, in a most preposterous turn, the old lady climbs up onto the deck and throws the necklace – which she had the whole time – overboard and then she goes off and dies. Or not. In the end she reunites with Jack – and Mr. Andrews, the story's unsung hero – so she's either dead or dreaming, but it's not really clear.

To be honest, I could not be happier or more grateful to finally have seen all of Titanic, mainly because I NEVER HAVE TO WATCH IT AGAIN. I'm sure that the paint-by-numbers love story appealed to the segments of the audience that made the film as successful as it was, but it tears a gaping hole in an otherwise impressive movie. The plot, largely, suffers from a lack of truly sympathetic characters. Kate Winslet's Rose either comes off as smarmy and overly intellectual or mind-numbingly naïve, acting like everything she's doing with Jack is merely a rebellion against her mother and fiancé. Jack, who should be a charming rogue in a classically archetypal mold, seems to be a petulant stalker for most of the film, infatuated and even obsessed with Rose. The other fictional characters, largely, suffer from being cardboard cut-outs rather than fleshed out beings. On the other hand, Molly Brown and Thomas Andrews – who are real individuals – shine as truly likable and believable characters, one the film's much needed comic relief, the other a tragic figure and victim of his own progeny's inherent hubris. Though this is certainly James Cameron's labor of love, as evidenced through the remarkably accurate tours through the ship and the almost masturbatory shots of the Titanic on the sea, I'd much rather watch Ghosts of the Abyss instead; at least then I don't have to sit through two hours of two teens swooning over each other. I may have wasted three hours of my life watching Titanic, but it was three hours with yet another Misunderstood Masterpiece.

Join me next week as I leave the Oscars behind and go cross-country with a star-studded cast. See you then!