Misunderstood Masterpiecies: Super Mario Bros.

Posted by Will Helm on 05.10.2005

…or, Just What Are Those Mushrooms for Again?

Editor’s Note: No intoxicants, hallucinogens, or other psycho-reactive substances were ingested, injected, or absorbed during the making of this column. The description that follows is the ACTUAL MOVIE.

On September 13, 1985, videogame maker Nintendo would release a phenomenon in its native Japan. This game would come to be one of the stalwart hallmarks of its Famicom – or, in the United States, Nintendo Entertainment System – console. A brainchild of game legend Shigeru Miyamoto, this game would chronicle the adventures of two Italian plumbers through a world populated with walking mushrooms, chicken-turtle creatures, and other assorted bizarre specimens. In addition to the myriad oddities and enemies, the game also featured a plethora of “power-ups,” like a mushroom that turned the plumber bigger or one that gave the plumber extra life, a flower that allowed the plumber to spit fireballs, and a star that made the plumber invincible for a short amount of time . . . instead of just vaporizing him from the heat of nuclear fusion. As strange as this game sounds, it is regarded as one of the greatest and highest selling of all time, its characters are considered instantly recognizable pop culture icons, and it has spawned a franchise of sequels and spin-offs perhaps unrivaled. The game, dear readers, is the great, the legendary, the unbelievably and unabashedly fun Super Mario Bros.

Of course, as we’ve learned over the course of the past few weeks, success in the realm of videogames meant that Hollywood would come calling and, unsurprisingly, it did. Released in 1993 – eight years after the original release of Super Mario Bros. – Super Mario Bros. would turn the iconic game franchise on its ear . . . and not in a good way. Instead of setting the film in the traditional world of wacky creatures and wackier mushrooms, the creators decided to give the movie a notably dystopian cyberpunk flavor, just right for the “grim-and-gritty” ‘90s. In addition, the filmmakers would totally circumvent casting conventions by hiring legendary scenery-chewer Dennis Hopper as the film’s villain and, in a stroke of maddening lunacy, pegging Bob Hoskins (a Briton) and John Leguizamo (a Latino) as the film’s two titular Italian brothers. Yes, an Englishman and a Latino as Italian plumbers. Makes sense, doesn’t it? Of course it doesn’t . . . and neither does this film. Don’t believe me? Read on!

The film opens endearingly enough, with the dulcet tones of the classic Super Mario Bros. theme gently sounding in the background. Ah . . . it makes me long for the nostalgia of “Captain” Lou Albano “doing the Mario.” Then again, after reading the last sentence, that all sounds rather suspect. In your traditional “science-fiction voice-over,” some guy with a thick New York accent talks about dinosaurs while, onscreen, we see some lovely VGA-era graphics to go with it. Then, we switch at breakneck pace to the real – though prehistoric – world, where a meteor blows up the area of land that would become Brooklyn. In the resulting chaos, according the helpful “science-fiction voice-over,” a parallel dimension opens up and, as the voice-over says, this is where dinosaurs may have survived and . . . evolved! Dum-dum-DUM!

Later, in the future, but twenty years before the current time, which would have been 1973 and not 1985, since the movie was released in 1993, some chick leaves something outside a building in the rain. Hmm . . . I wonder if it’s a cake. Richard Harris would be proud. To add to the mystery of the package, a nun exits the building and picks up the enigmatic present. Meanwhile, the chick runs into the subway, where Dennis Hopper sneaks up behind her and startles her. Then again, anyone would be startled if Dennis Hopper snuck up behind them in an abandoned subway. For no particular reason, the subway collapses, crushing the chick and – possibly – Dennis Hopper as well. Over at the convent, the nuns watch in awe as the gift – which ended up being an egg – hatches, revealing a human female baby inside! Holy bestiality, Batman! One of the nuns celebrates by holding up a quartz suppository triumphantly. Umm . . . yeah.

Twenty years after that, which, as we know by now, would be 1993, corpulent plumber Mario Mario (Hoskins) answers the phone at his home and place of business. Meanwhile, his much younger brother Luigi Mario (Leguizamo) watches television. After finishing the call, they brothers Mario go on a plumbing job and, along the way, they have some “character moments,” wherein we learn that Mario is jaded and cynical, but Luigi is gullible and naďve. Thanks for the subtlety, movie! Unfortunately for our heroic plumbers, their “character moments” last a bit too long, as their arch nemesis’ plumbers beat them to the job. Elsewhere, at a construction site somewhere in the greater New York City area, some stereotypical “legitimate Italian businessman” (Gianni Russo) threatens a HOT CHICK college student (Samantha Mathis) as she has turned his construction site into an archeological dig due to the discovery of a multitude of dinosaur bones. After the “legitimate Italian businessman” gives the HOT CHICK student – who is also the foreman of the dig – a few offers she can’t refuse, he saunters off . . . but in his wake two greasy goons (Fisher Stevens and Richard Edson) spy on the HOT CHICK.

Elsewhere in the city, but not far from the archeological dig, Mario’s truck breaks down. Meanwhile, the greasy goons follow the HOT CHICK as she runs through the streets of the city and straight into Luigi and Mario. While Mario complains about the price of bottled water – a plumber buying bottled water? IRONY! – Luigi watches intently as the HOT CHICK, heretofore named Daisy, calls her administrators at New York University and requests some security to guard the dig from the “legitimate Italian businessman’s” “legitimate Italian hoodlums.” Since the kindly Luigi let her use the phone, Daisy thanks the more diminutive of our two heroes. In return, Luigi offers her a ride and, while doing so, sounds like he’s mildly retarded. Luckily, Mario is on hand to explain his brother’s cognitive faults, so it’s all good. Daisy, perhaps mollified by Mario’s revelation, accepts the ride and they uneventfully drop her off at the construction site. Luigi, perhaps wanting to “pluck” Daisy sometime in the future, clumsily makes a dinner date with her for later in the evening.

That evening, at the aforementioned date, Mario’s annoying companion (Dana Kaminski) questions Daisy about nearly every subject under the sun. In doing so, Daisy helpfully reveals to us the purpose of the dig and, as well, her backstory . . . as she is the baby from earlier in the film! Just to remind us of this fact, she eternally wears the quartz suppository around her neck. Meanwhile, Luigi, in a plot point that goes absolutely nowhere, reveals that he was an orphan as well, raised by goodly Italian plumber Mario. After dinner, the two couples go their separate ways and the greasy goons, under a false impression that Mario’s date is Daisy, follow that couple through the streets. Elsewhere, Luigi explains his penchant for stupidity to Daisy, but she’s oddly receptive to his endearing idiocy, mainly because she thinks she’s a very boring person. Luigi, instead, thinks she’s just the bee’s knees, so he asks her if she can show him her dig. Hmm . . . I think he probably meant to say “hole,” but we already know he’s not the brightest bulb in the box.

Moments later, Mario drops off his date at her door but, instead of joining her for a nightcap and a bit of bouncy-bouncy, he walks off alone, affording the greasy goons the opportunity to abduct his date. Over at the dig, Luigi and Daisy tour the facilities, which is actually the subway shaft from twenty years earlier in the film! It is here that Daisy reveals her shocking discovery: there are what seem to be humanoid dinosaur bones down there! Dum-dum-DUM! After this revelation of Darwinian proportions, Daisy and Luigi make another discovery; this time, the find that a group of “legitimate Italian plumbers,” sent out by the “legitimate Italian businessman” – who also happens to be Mario and Luigi’s arch nemesis – has sabotaged the plumbing within the dig! Luigi, thinking quickly, does absolutely nothing; he instead runs back to his apartment – which, hopefully, is nearby – to get Mario to help out and save the dig. Meanwhile, we also learn that the greasy goons are there too, apparently having dumped Mario’s date in a shallow grave somewhere. Mario, being a somewhat capable plumber, fixes the problem and saves the day; before there can be any celebrating, however, the greasy goons arrive on the scene and take Daisy with them! Luigi and Mario, perhaps looking to get paid for their emergency plumbing service, give chase deeper into the dig, wherein they find mysterious chasms and waterfalls. Seemingly at a dead end, our heroes are mystified when they witness Daisy coming out of a wall of rock to contact them! Luigi, grasping for his possible lady-love, grabs her quartz suppository but not her. Luigi and Mario, with nothing left to lose, jump through the wall and into another dimension, another dimension. Another dimension, another dimension. The Beastie Boys would be proud.

After seemingly flying through the center of the Earth, Luigi and Mario alight in a dystopian city filled with tacky hipsters where they ably pinpoint Daisy and the greasy goons and resume their chase. Deep within the bowels of this Blade Runner-wannabe world, Luigi and Mario end their chase when they fall off of a balcony and down to the street below. Not to worry, dear readers . . . they are, of course, PERFECTLY UNHARMED. Sadly, our heroes have little time to celebrate their unhurt status, as they are righteously freaked out by the sight of two rat-like dinosaurs eating some random gunk in the middle of the street. What’s going on here anyway?

Just in case you were wondering about that very question, interdimensional tyrant Koopa (Hopper) – whose name may originally have been “Cooper” when he lived in Boston – laments the fact that his dimension sucks. While the mammals have their fun, sunny dimension, the reptiles are stuck with a dreary crap dimension in which to exist, so Koopa plans a spell of – literally – cold-blooded REVENGE! Before he can fully elaborate on his master plan, the greasy goons arrive and inform Koopa that Daisy is safely in their custody. In case you thought there would be much rejoicing on Koopa’s part due to the news, you’d be wrong, as he also wants the quartz suppository that goes with her. In order to get it back, he wisely puts out an all-points bulletin for the whereabouts of our lovable Italian plumbers. Good thinking, Koopa . . . well played indeed.

Speaking of our heroes-out-of-water, Mario and Luigi troll the dangerous streets, streets so perilous that old ladies even threaten their safety and one elderly frau actually pilfers the quartz suppository! Her happiness is short-lived, however, as she is quickly thwarted by a Nell Carter-look-alike in dominatrix gear (Francesca Roberts). Said dominatrix steals the quartz suppository as if it was a goldfish in a vacuum cleaner and uses her amazing pneumatic boots to hop from the scene, leaving Mario and Luigi suppository-less. Before they can lament their sad fate, Mario and Luigi, as well as a nearby, rebellious street musician (Mojo Nixon), are arrested. Over at the police station, before the man rape can begin, Mario and Luigi are booked, sprayed, and doused with mouthwash. Then, just to freak them out further, they have their mugshots taken by trained snipers.

After the ordeal, our heroes end up in the pen with the musician, who is a wonderfully helpful font of information regarding the parallel dimensions and such. Later, Mario and Luigi meet with their lawyer, a not-so-well-disguised Koopa. Perhaps Mario would have been wise to note just what Koopa looks like, as he has the misfortune of calling the terrible despot “a clown,” much to said despot’s chagrin. Koopa, not suffering insults lightly, drops his ruse and tells our two hapless plumbers that he wants the quartz suppository. Then, perhaps to really drive home his point, Koopa attempts – unsuccessfully – to gouge out Luigi’s eyes. Later, to drive home his point a little further, Koopa demonstrates the breadth of his power by de-evolving the musician, transforming the subversive crooner into a pinheaded lizard version of Bob Dylan. While Koopa admires his handiwork, Mario and Luigi use that distraction to stage a JAILBREAK! Our heroes nearly succeed in de-evolving Koopa, but that was all a red herring in order to zip-line to freedom! Rico Constantino would be proud. Once free of the de-evolution chamber, Mario and Luigi steal a police cruiser from the motor pool and, unsurprisingly, a good number of the gendarme give chase after them. During the madcap chase, Mario and Luigi end up on top of another car; after extricating themselves from that situation, they then set up a convoluted series of events which culminate in a bunch of the pursuing cop cars exploding in a dramatic conflagration. Mario and Luigi, unfettered by trailing antagonists, respond by driving through a tunnel and off a cliff. Oops. Movie’s over!

Or not, as the ever-present – and, apparently, sentient – gunk forms an impromptu net which halts our heroes’ descent to the dry ground below. Back in the city, the greasy goons report to a quite enraged Koopa; meanwhile, Koopa’s chick (Fiona “Petunia Dursley” Shaw) goes to get Daisy, who is currently imprisoned with a group of other abductees in a finely appointed cell. Upon meeting with Daisy, Koopa’s chick reveals that Daisy is, in fact, princess of the realm and it was her mother that was killed when the subway from WAY earlier in the picture collapsed tragically. Elsewhere in the headquarters, Koopa, still put out by his greasy goons’ ineffectiveness, straps them into his de-evolving contraption but, instead of regressing them to primordial muck, he evolves their intelligence to far beyond genius levels. Such a plan may have worked against Koopa, however, as his greasy henchmen, instead of becoming mad geniuses with a penchant for destruction, are now just annoying intellectuals. That reminds me of a funny anecdote: supposedly the I.Q. test was formulated as a test for military-officer aptitude. With that in mind, one has to wonder just what score makes the ideal officer since the highest would probably also understand the futility of war. Odysseus would be proud. Anyway, while Koopa’s greasy goons bicker, Koopa’s chick dresses Princess Daisy in some fine evening wear and provides helpful exposition along the way. Well, that’s kind of her . . . even though she hates and resents Daisy. Younger women always have that effect, though.

Later, while Mario and Luigi wander around in a desert, Koopa reveals his raison d’etre: he wants to personally de-evolve humanity back to its base mammalian roots! Evidently Koopa subscribes to the theory of Darwinian evolution; if he believed in Creationism or Intelligent Design, his plan could cause some SERIOUS metaphysical conundrums. Unless you live in Kansas; they have no problem with thinks like that. Koopa, joined by Princess Daisy, introduces her to family pet Yoshi and then he gloats like any decent villain would. His joy is rudely interrupted, however, when Daisy asks about her father who, it is inferred, isn’t quite dead. In fact, he just may be getting better . . . but he doesn’t want to go on the cart. Koopa, showing off his lizard-like tendencies (and a possible affinity for Gene Simmons), hits on Daisy and then tells her of her true origin . . . which his chick did earlier in the evening. I guess he didn’t want his woman to have all the fun.

Over in the desert, Mario and Luigi are still wandering about aimlessly. The greasy goons, still not exactly the smartest guys around, bumble after them and, in the process, drive off a cliff. In the aftermath, Mario and Luigi tie up the greasy goons and question them as to their motives. After the impromptu interrogation, Mario, Luigi, and the greasy goons make a pact of mutual benefit in order to get back to the city and retrieve the quartz suppository. While Princess Daisy bonds with Yoshi in her room, Mario and Luigi hitch a ride on a garbage truck and head back to the metropolis. Once there, the greasy goons dress Mario and Luigi as tacky pimps so that the four of them can go to a cheesy dance club in search of the massive dominatrix. Inside said club, Mario and Luigi turn over their tool belts to the coat-check girl, who dastardly rats them out to the local constabulary. Mario, surveying the dance floor, finds the dominatrix, who still has the quartz suppository. He sidles up to her and puts his moves on her, but she just slugs him for his efforts. After recuperating from the forceful right cross, Mario compliments the dominatrix on her pugilistic skill, so she ends up slow dancing with him. During their decidedly unerotic gyrations, Mario carefully steals the quartz suppository from the dominatrix’s neck.

Before Mario has a chance to revel in his success, Koopa’s chick shows up and Was Not Was plays in the background. Ugh . . . the scene is doubly evil! Through a convoluted series of events to complex to describe here, Koopa’s chick ends up with the quartz suppository; meanwhile, the dominatrix, perhaps still in ecstasy from Mario’s dancing skills, saves our heroes and lends them two pairs of her pneumatic boots to aid in their escape! While all of this is going on, Koopa, in his inner sanctum, talks to an oozing hole and gloats all the while. Later, while Mario and Luigi fall off the back of another garbage truck, Koopa hilariously orders a pizza. Yeah . . . that was random. Then again, perhaps it wasn’t so random as, at the same time, Mario and Luigi carefully enter under Koopa’s fortress where their first act of REVENGE is to . . . mess with the plumbing? Well, they are plumbers, so I guess it fits their particular idiom. Upstairs, Koopa’s chick sells out the bumbling greasy goons, mainly because she doesn’t want them interfering in her quest to be Koopa’s #1 gal. Geez . . . jealous, lady?

While Mario and Luigi swing some humanoid lizard troops back and forth in an elevator for no particular reason, the musician lizard brings Princess Daisy some meat. Unfortunately, his generosity isn’t well-received, as Daisy is a vegetarian. I bet she’s a Commie Pinko too with that attitude. Then again, she does go to NYU, so that may not be very far from the truth. After spurning the yummy steaks, Daisy then has to fend off the violent advances of Koopa’s chick, who is looking to forcibly eliminate her competition for Koopa’s affections. Yoshi, now fully loyal to Daisy, tries to eat Koopa’s chick, so Daisy utilizes this distraction and has herself a little JAILBREAK! Said JAILBREAK nearly comes to an abrupt end as Princess Daisy runs into the greasy goons . . . but the greasy goons reveal that they’ve been loyalists working on the inside all along and side with Daisy and the monarchy! Wow . . . next thing you know Oliver Cromwell is going to show up. It’s not every day that a videogame movie takes its plot points from the English Civil War. The goons then unveil the sad truth of Princess Daisy’s father: he’s the oozing hole! Umm . . . eew.

Mario and Luigi, lost in the bowels of Koopa’s headquarters, play “acrobat” in an elevator shaft; meanwhile, Princess Daisy talks with her father the fungus and Yoshi joins her. After her little chat with her moldering male role model, Daisy calls up Mario and Luigi on the intercom system. Meanwhile, Koopa finds out that his chick double-crossed him, so he’s got a lot of things on his plate for the rest of the movie. After Mario and Luigi regain their bearings and footing, they join Daisy who introduces them to the oozing hole. Sheesh . . . I didn’t know evolved humanoid dinosaurs were susceptible to venereal diseases. Maybe she should get that checked out. Oh, wait . . . it’s still just her father. After the pleasantries are exchanged, Mario goes off in search of his date while Luigi and Daisy stay behind to get captured by Koopa! Serendipitously, he wraps up all the meandering loose ends right then and there when his chick is also captured as well.

Deep inside the fortress, Mario finds his date and her companions and he stages a JAILBREAK to get them out of there. Elsewhere, some cop brings Koopa the quartz suppository, but he just wants his pizza. Meanwhile, Mario and the chicks, free of their finely appointed cell, toboggan through some frozen ductwork. Unfortunately for them, some of the lizard-men give chase, but their attempt to foil the escape is thwarted by a wrench. Mario and the chicks, riding a mattress, fly out of the building and onto the street where, simultaneously, Koopa is in the midst of a “gloating villain speech.” Not one to be perturbed by extraordinary interruptions, Koopa gloats anyway. Good for him. Not so good for him: Mario and Luigi shoot pneumatic boots at Koopa and his lizard troops, incapacitating them. During the chaos, Koopa drops the quartz suppository and his chick is on hand to pick it up and run off with it.

While Luigi and Daisy follow Koopa’s chick, Mario and Koopa fight on the street! Whoa . . . where’s Col. Guile when you need him? Mario, not needing any help from an angry soldier with a weird accent, sends a slow moving bob-omb after Koopa, sending most of the onlookers into hysterics. Elsewhere, in the tunnel leading to the city from WAY earlier in the picture, Koopa’s chick sticks the quartz suppository in the ground and is promptly disintegrated. Somehow, due to the meteor in the VERY BEGINNING of the film being made whole again, Koopa and Mario immediate discorporate and reappear on Earth; once there, Koopa changes the “legitimate Italian businessman” into a “legitimate Italian monkey” with his de-evolution ray. Back in Bizarro-world, Luigi and Daisy pull out the quartz suppository, bringing Mario and Koopa back to the other reality. After things get sorted out, Mario and Luigi team up to de-evolve Koopa into a freaky dinosaur. Before dino-Koopa has a chance to maul our heroes, Mario and Luigi further de-evolve him into some primordial goo, leaving the tyrant looking like a puddle of snot.

With Koopa now officially overthrown, there is much rejoicing in dino-land and the oozing hole craps forth Lance Henriksen. Later, Princess Daisy, now officially royalty once again, opens a portal back to Earth; Luigi wants her to come with them, but she wants to stay behind and work things out with her father. Much to Luigi’s chagrin, he and Mario leave without her. Three weeks later, however, Mario and Luigi – as well as Mario’s date from earlier – watch television and see their story, after which the commentator has an opportunity to say the title of the film, just in case we had already forgotten it. Mario and Luigi’s fame is short-lived, however, as, just after the broadcast, Daisy busts into the apartment looking for help and a sequel that will never come.

If you look at Super Mario Bros. objectively, it makes absolutely no sense. So, too, does Super Mario Bros. However, unlike its videogame predecessor, which is filled to the brim with endearing and quirky charm, the film version of Super Mario Bros. is just bad, with no real rhyme or reason to it. It’s like the filmmakers took the names and a few concepts and then built their own movie around it, rather than a faithful representation of the “Super Mario” universe. Honestly, I don’t remember any dinosaurs in any of the Super Mario Bros. games, so I have no idea how they ended up in the film. I also never knew that one of the major themes of the games was de-evolution; go figure. All of these “artistic liberties” add up to one thing: Super Mario Bros. stands, perhaps, as the low point of the first wave of videogame pictures. While many have followed, few have been as bad . . . though anything with Uwe Boll’s name on it could be suspect.

Join me next week as I pay tribute to the release of Star Wars: Episode III – Revenge of the Sith with my take on a paltry imitator . . . which features a flying potato. See you then!