Misunderstood Masterpieces: First Daughter
Posted by Will Helm on 07.12.2005
…or, Batman, an Amazon, and an Eerie Sense of Déjà Vu
(Author’s Note: Back when I originally put this film on my docket, Katie Holmes was merely a young actress with a few good performances under her belt and a promising career ahead of her. What a difference two months – and a Happy Scientology Elf™ – make!)
Ask anyone who gives the weakest performance in the astoundingly brilliant superhero epic Batman Begins and most will answer with the name “Katie Holmes.” While technically true, any film that boasts Christian Bale, Michael Caine, Morgan Freeman, Liam Neeson, Ken Watanabe, Gary Oldman, Cillian Murphy, and Rutger Hauer is bound to have a weak link. Unfortunately, that link happens to be the remarkably tall Ms. Holmes. Though her performance is not terrible by any means, Katie is easily eclipsed by the grand talents of her costars. This may be a surprise to some, as she has had experience with a Batman in the past, and the recent past at that. You see, just a year or so ago, Katie Holmes starred alongside former Batman Michael Keaton in the 2004 romantic comedy First Daughter.
Much like – OK, nearly exactly like – its recent predecessor Chasing Liberty, First Daughter chronicles the adventures of the President’s college-age daughter as she does whatever it is that college-age daughters of the President do. For real-life reference, just look up Jenna and/or Barbara Bush . . . but not Chelsea Clinton. She was rather boring. Anyway, as there must have been a vogue for “Presidential daughter” movies in 2004, First Daughter was released cold on the heels of the tepid and terrible flop Chasing Liberty . . . showing that Hollywood NEVER learns from experience. But we already knew that, didn’t we? Of course, maybe the studio thought that First Daughter would overcome its freakish twin’s shortcomings and rise above to success (yeah, right). Was the studio’s gambit worthwhile, or is First Daughter merely Chasing Liberty Redux? Let’s go to the videotape . . . umm . . . DVD!
We open strangely, as some voice-over guy (director Forest Whitaker) tells a fairy tale about a little girl who loved stuffed animals and frogs. Not stuffed frogs, mind you . . . real frogs. Anyway, this mysterious girl became an awkward teenager and then her father became President of the United States. After her odd years conclude, the girl turns into a burgeoning HOT CHICK (Holmes) but, much to her chagrin, Joan and Melissa Rivers don’t approve of her dowdy choices of fashion. Over time, this girl – Samantha Mackenzie – travels the world and matures through her adventures, like playing poker with a bunch of politicians. Yup. Makes sense to me. Finally, this girl, the titular First Daughter, attends some gala somewhere with her proud parents and some heads of state and all seems right with the world.
Of course, things aren’t quite what they seem as, the next day, Sam is to head off to college somewhere far away. Maybe, since this is a fairy tale, to Wonderland or even the mystical world of Oz. Oh, speaking of Oz, did anyone – other than my lovely fiancée and I – ever wonder just where that red-brick road led out of Munchkinland? Perhaps it led to the downtown of Munchkinland, with its height-challenged strip clubs and heroin. Well, there was a poppy field in Oz; that’s a great cash crop right there! Sam, confiding in her – or her dad’s – assistant (Lela Rochon Fuqua), confesses that she just wants to live the life of a normal college student; the assistant protests, but that’s pretty much all she does throughout the entire movie. Get used to it. Late that night, Sam wanders down to the White House kitchen where she grabs a perfect piece of chocolate cake from the fridge. Seriously, it’s so perfectly angled that Pythagoras would be proud. After she takes a bite, her father, President “Batman” Mackenzie, joins her and steals some of the cake. Ooh! That’d be grounds for impeachment, I think. Call a special prosecutor to the case! Anyway, the President and his daughter have a little chat . . . or at least they mumble a little chat. After the unintelligible heart-to-heart, father and daughter slow dance together, because Presidential incest is best of all. Sam, once again, reiterates her desire for normalcy, but I think the President might be a little too interested in her turns and dips.
My inclinations may have been correct as, the next day, a horde of assistants and journalists pester the First Family; of course, it doesn’t help that they mark the occasion of their daughter’s beginning college career with a press conference. Presidents can be such media whores sometimes. Sam, enjoying a far from normal start to her collegiate life, heads out of Washington, D.C., with her family via motorcade. Well, if you’re going to go . . . go in style. And with a bullet-proof, solid-rubber-tire-clad limousine. After nearly a few seconds of driving, the First Family arrives at the sleepy university . . . three thousand miles away from the capital! Either the Executive Branch has made great strides in hyper-speed technology, or we really cut out a lot of driving. Thank you, movie! Sam, looking to jump right into the college life, is quite put out to learn that she has much on her plate for the evening, all helpfully set up by her parents. Speaking of which, on the way out of the dorm, her mom (Margaret Colin, who probably won’t get blown up this time) gets all creepy, but her dad is speechless. Calvin Coolidge would be proud.
After her parents finally leave, Sam jokes with her salt-of-the-earth Secret Service bodyguards . . . and then she and one of her bodyguards ape a Marx Brothers routine while leaning out the dormitory windows. After a little unpacking, Sam’s SASSY BLACK ROOMMATE Mia (Amerie) – for some reason, this seems a little too Real World for my sensibilities so far – arrives on the scene and she and Sam instantaneously have a war of words. Somehow, even though they come from separate, disparate backgrounds, Sam and Mia become friends . . . and then Mia hits on one of Sam’s much-older Secret Service agents. Yeah. Later that evening, Sam enjoys the privileges of her station by attending a faculty party . . . a mind-numbingly dull faculty party. Afterward, Sam returns to her room, only to find Mia there and getting her freak on. Mia exiles Sam to the student lounge so that she can get some; Sam, feeling quite dejected, is even further humiliated while watching television as EVERYONE is talking about her. Well, except for Billy Mays. All he cares about is bringing you quality products at affordable prices, like Oxy Clean or the Micro Touch personal groomer. Has anyone seen his spot for that little piece of junk razor? Billy Mays shaves his prodigious beard into an evil Van Dyke (not a goatee, mind you . . . that has no upper-lip segment) and, in the process, de-ages about twenty years. It’s too bad, though, as the last star of the Micro Touch commercials had an eerie resemblance to wrestler Rene Dupree, complete with hilarious oversell abilities! The “French Phenom” fears scissors! Anyway, the night ends when some stereotypical Abercrombie & Fitch-wearing frat guys invite Sam to a party the next day.
And that very next day, Sam goes to class for the first time and, unsurprisingly, everyone is staring at her. Well, maybe not exactly at her, but at least at the cadre of Secret Service agents she has accompanying her. Sam, totally not shockingly, becomes paranoid from all the unwanted attention, until some goof breaks the ice and cracks a joke to the professor, totally diffusing the situation. Later, after class, Sam catches up to the goof – whose name is James (Marc Blucas) – and thanks him for his clever distraction; Mia, since she is the SASSY BLACK ROOMMATE, butts into the conversation and gives her opinion on James’ state of hotness. Later, Sam and Mia go to the aforementioned frat party in fashionable bikinis. Mia, since she’s . . . well, you know, tries to get Sam to lighten up and then she does a cannonball right into the middle of a remarkably small swimming pool. Sam, far more demure than her acquaintance, decides to sit calmly in a chair poolside. It’s not exactly a great idea, though, as some terrible college band starts up with an awful rock rendition of “Hail to the Chief” and some of the frat guys do an uninspired dance number in Sam’s honor. Or they’re making fun of her. It’s hard to tell, really. Of course, this really could be all a ruse, as the Secret Service agents assigned to guard Sam swoop into action and pummel a guy skulking on the sidelines armed . . . with a water-pistol. Hmm . . . can you say “lawsuit”?
The Secret Service agents kidnap still bikini-clad Sam and take her to her father’s campaign office; once there, the uppity assistant from earlier tries to intervene between the President and Sam . . . and then Sam goes batty and starts talking in the third person. Sam, rightfully, argues – just as we saw in Chasing Liberty – that she’s entitled to some freedom and she just wants to be a normal college student. Her father, since he is the President and is deeply embroiled in a campaign, is reluctant to comply, but he finally does. Does he have something up his sleeve, perhaps? We’re not quite sure as Sam returns to school where, perhaps as if we’re trying to cram as much as possible into the film, she and Mia attend a protest against the President’s policies. Some nerdy Asian guy invites Sam to debate him, but she just chickens out . . . and the Asian guy, without a modicum of class, makes fun of her for it. Ah, modern politics! Mia, still seeking to loosen Sam up, takes her to a giant slip-‘n-slide somewhere on campus. Yes, a giant slip-‘n-slide. No, I don’t get it either. Mia slides down first into a pond of dingy, disgusting water and then Sam follows closely after. Somehow, Sam runs into James and then the three of them go down once more and . . . get your head OUT of the gutter, thank you. Even though the bottom of the slip-‘n-slide looks like a gutter. Ick.
The next day, Sam, like a giddy schoolgirl – which I guess she is – rehearses chatting with James in her room. Oh . . . I’d be remiss in not mentioning that, at least to me, James looks like the love child of Nick Lachey and a werewolf. Don’t ask me why, but he just does. Before Sam has a chance to talk with her new crush, her uppity assistant calls with some very bad news: Sam’s little slip-‘n-slide romp from the night before is front page news in the New York Post. Sam, not one to take an assistant’s word, asks to speak with her father; after a cursory chat, Mia grabs the phone and, since she’s SASSY, she and the President have a tête-à-tête. Later, we discover that a multitude of ugly college students really don’t like the President. Seriously, the protesters in this movie are a homely lot indeed. Sam, upset with all the negativity around her, escapes to the Resident Advisor’s room . . . and it’s James! She hides out for a bit in his room and then he gives her his shirt for some reason or another. In some cultures that means they’re married. Then, just to make it a little creepy, James dresses Sam up like a guy . . . and then they go to lunch. Something tells me James is living out his fantasies and, if so, they’re some REALLY weird fantasies.
Over lunch, Sam inquires about just who James is, but he deflects the question with a plethora of pointless trivia. Oddly enough, they bond over this; there’s nothing like the inherent romance of worthless knowledge. Later, some creepy old lady bugs Sam for a picture and, in the process, compliments her breasts. OK; that’s just weird. Damn you, movie. After lunch, Sam and James take to the streets and run from a posse of paparazzi while cheesy pop music plays in the background. Hmm . . . for a second there, with Sam and James hiding behind plants and on fire escapes, I could’ve sworn it was A Hard Day’s Night or even Scooby Doo, Where Are You?, but it’s still just First Daughter. Damn. Sam and James finally end up hiding out in a very anachronistic movie-house; once there, James disgusts Sam – and everyone else – by pouring Milk Duds all over his popcorn. Sam, since she’s enamored with the mysterious R.A., tries his demonic concoction; at first she declares it to be foul, but then she likes it anyway. No word on whether or not he followed that up by pouring Junior Mints down his pants, though. After the cinematic interlude, James reveals a little bit about himself . . . and then he kills the conversation by revealing that he pities Sam’s plight as First Daughter. Don’t we all, James; don’t we all.
That evening, Sam – with Mia by her side – remains intrigued by the enigmatic James, so she and her friend try, unsuccessfully, to figure him out. Instead of trying to really figure it all out, Sam and Mia instead go off to a pep rally, where some stereotypically old, white coach gets up and speaks to the rowdy masses. Meanwhile, in the crowd, Sam watches as Mia gets all weak in the knees over some high school crush of hers who’s now a star athlete at the college. Said athlete, respectfully, introduces himself to Sam and that sends Mia into an irrational tizzy and she walks off dejectedly. Ah . . . it’s been a while since I said this, but BITCHES BE CRAZY! And, if you don’t believe me, just you wait. After the pep rally, Sam finds Mia at some random college party and she confronts her SASSY – but totally ticked off for no particular reason – roommate and then, suddenly, everything gets awkward. Mia reveals that she’s jealous of all the attention heaped upon Sam so she and Sam argue about it . . . and then we fade out like it’s a soap opera. Which I guess it is, actually. Next thing you know, though, is that some guy named “Jake” will show up out of nowhere to be dangerous, yet sensitive. How could we forget Jake?
That night or the next morning or whenever, James finds Sam asleep on a couch in the dorm. Sam, sensing a sympathetic ear in James, laments her troubles and travails; meanwhile, he’s probably just trying to devise a way to tap it without getting himself sent to Guantanamo Bay. Sam, just as before, just wants her privacy and then James tries to diffuse the TENSION with some ill-timed humor. He then explains just what kept him from attending the pep rally the night before, as Sam and Mia had invited him to join them. Oh yeah . . . threesome. Sam, believing what is probably a total lie from James’ lips, reveals, much to all our surprise, that she just might want him to tap it. Perhaps that’s not a good idea there, Sam; after all, that would be “floor-cest.” Somehow, Sam and James escape to a random lake in the middle of nowhere. On a boat in the middle of the lake – which seems totally unrelated to any of the other settings in the film – Sam and James chat about parenting for no particular reason. And then they go to the carnival together, which again seems unrelated to either the college or the lake. This must be one HUGE college town; either that or the Presidential conveyance does have warp-speed technology in it. Sam, perhaps FINALLY loosening up – maybe in more ways than just the obvious – revels in the fact that she can truly relax when she’s with James. Perhaps to add a little Freudian imagery to the proceedings, Sam and James then bond over water guns . . . and then he rewards her with a squished dime charm for her bracelet. Ooh . . . a gift that cost ten whole cents! Gee, thanks James! Cheap bastard.
At the close of the night, James drops Sam off at the door to her dorm room and they say their goodnights. Then, as if this were the first romantic comedy where this ever happened and it weren’t clichéd in the slightest, James and Sam rush back to one another and make out. Sam and James, perhaps realizing the error of their ways or just totally intoxicated with their illicit affair, get all goofy . . . and then Sam walks into her room and in on Mia with another guy. Geez, Mia; you’re SASSY, not SLUTTY. There’s a difference there, sweetheart. Unfortunately for the random guy, before he can even think of the term “ménage-a-tois,” Mia kicks him out because she wants to have some bonding time with Sam. Instead of introducing Sam to the wonders of Sapphic love, Mia instead takes her roommate down to meet with some psychotic girl with a trombone . . . who was originally supposed to be Mia’s roommate. Therefore, since Sam is better than a psychotic girl with a trombone, Mia decides that she and Sam are to be friends once again. Yeah, I don’t get it either.
The next day or sometime in the future – this movie, like many others, is a bit sketchy with the whole timeframe thing – Sam has her Secret Service agents kidnap Mia and James . . . and Sam actually says it’s a kidnapping! She actually stole my line! I’ll have my REVENGE for that. Anyway, Sam and her friends take off in Air Force One and then they attend a gala in Washington, D.C., together while clad in Vera Wang fashions. We know it must be an important gala, of course, because everything happens in slow motion. Ooh . . . nifty. Sam then introduces Mia and James to her parents and, for some reason, her parents seem like they know him for some reason. Hmm. I wonder why that could be. Anyway, after Sam seems to age twenty years in the scene – seriously – she and James take to the dance floor to get down and boogie. Or, at least get down and boogie as much as possible to very slowly played standards. James, political neophyte that he is, is embarrassed, but he keeps on dancing anyway; I guess he figures that he can have a chance to tap it if he plays his cards right. Sam’s parents, watching from the wings, look on gleefully; meanwhile, Mia dances with some diminutive African ambassador, just to prove that her sluttiness knows no national borders. Outside, after the gala ends, all Hell breaks loose between Sam, some protesters, and a badly driven car; James then takes Sam to safety underneath the building like any gentleman would. Of course, this is all just a helpful plot contrivance as, after the chaos subdues, we learn James’ shocking secret: he’s a Secret Service agent!
Hmm . . . where have I seen this before? Honestly, it would’ve been much better if he were involved with the President’s opponent’s campaign or even a crazed separatist intent on kidnapping the First Daughter for ransom and, possibly, as a love slave. This is really just Chasing Liberty Redux, just as I feared it would be.
Back at the White House, Sam is in no mood to celebrate any longer, as her father’s evil machinations have broken her heart. Sam lets the President know it, too, so he has her killed by a secret cell of the CIA. Sam Fisher would be proud. Actually, he’s just concerned for her well-being but, as we all know, the road to Hell is paved with good intentions. Perhaps some have forgotten that little axiom recently, but I’m not naming names. Sam, betrayed by her father’s calculated gambit, entreats her father for only honesty; meanwhile, all he wants to do is send James to a remote outpost in Alaska, ne’er to be heard from again. Sam, still harboring feelings for the undercover agent – and perhaps looking to get undercover with him – wants her father to keep James on as her personal bodyguard. What? You were expecting her to agree with her father?
Back at school, Sam and Mia chat about the plot so far and then Mia tells Sam to act like she doesn’t know about James’ alter ego. Of course, this plan of action works for all about three seconds, until Sam finds James once more outside her door, this time dressed in a suit like the rest of his Secret Service brethren. Sam, for no reason other than just the fact that she’s now mad at the world, tells him off . . . kinda sorta. Later, Sam embarks on the Mia-devised strategy of making James jealous; ah, there’s nothing like romantic comedy clichés. Although, I have to say, this hasn’t been terribly comedic up to this point. Maybe it’s not supposed to be . . . which can only mean one thing: Sam will be dead by the end of the film. You see, there’s a clear delimiter in these kinds of films: either the film is light and has a happy ending, or the film is a total downer and ends with death and sorrow. Unfortunately, now I’m expecting the latter. Damned movie.
Anyway, Sam, in order to raise the jealousy of her new bodyguard, goes off to get condoms from the college health office and then she sluts herself up, much to James’ chagrin. Later, Sam goes off to a club where she gets drunk – underage, once again to James’ chagrin – with some sleazy college guy. After imbibing a prodigious amount of liquor, Sam decides that it’s a good idea to get up on a stage and start dancing provocatively. The crowd, impassioned by the lascivious movements of the President’s progeny, goes wild, including the sleazy guy, who unwisely slaps Sam on the derriere. James, seeing his charge endangered – by her own actions – springs into action himself, punching out the sleazy guy and then carrying Sam out of the club, all the while arguing with her like a grumpy middle-aged couple.
Back at the dorm, James puts Sam in her bed and then gently kisses her goodnight; Sam, unbelievably, instantly sobers up and then begins yelling at him again for no particular reason . . . and then she has a nervous breakdown. Really, James . . . would you WANT to be with a woman like this? Run for the hills, man, while you still can! Anyway, Sam, still on the same conceit as before, just wants honesty from James; she might not hear from him what she wants, though, as he confesses that even if he weren’t a Secret Service agent and she weren’t the President’s daughter, he’d still follow her around everywhere she went. Great, not only his he a bodyguard, he’s also a stalker. This film is just a bevy of psychoses.
The next day, Mia answers the phone for Sam and repeatedly hangs up on whomever is on the other end of the line. Then, Mia looks at the front page of the paper, with Sam’s dalliance in full view, and tells Sam that she has a nice ass. Umm . . . and just where did that come from? The process continues until Sam’s uppity assistant calls and informs Sam that her father is extremely ticked off by her antics. Also, just to complicate matters, Sam discovers that James has finally been reassigned. This leads to a moment of satori for Sam in the middle of literature class – the very same literature class where she and James first met – wherein she realizes the moral of the story by stating the moral of a story from literature. Supposedly, James is just a prince or Sam is a prince or there’s some guy named Prince whose name used to be a symbol and he had a guitar shaped like his name. Something like that. Later, Sam goes back to her room and sees herself on the news . . . and then she has another nervous breakdown for no particular reason. Note to James: RUN FAR AWAY!
Later, Sam’s mom comes over to visit and she’s very concerned . . . about the President’s re-election campaign. Ah, no wonder Sam has so many mental issues: her mom’s a stone cold bitch. Jim Ross would be proud, bah-god! Anyway, Sam’s mom suddenly turns super-psycho and tells Sam that she wants her to leave school and join her father’s campaign. We don’t find out what Sam’s decision is, but it can’t be for the good of her education as, back at the White House, Sam wanders the halls once again late at night. In the kitchen, she finds another piece of cake that looks remarkably like the one from earlier in the film but this time her father is nowhere to be found. Instead, she just has to tolerate the comedy stylings of Jay Leno mocking her father.
Sometime afterward, somewhere else in Washington, James goes under tribunal by the Secret Service council or something like that. I’m not privy to the inner workings of all these secretive government organizations, so I don’t know for sure. James states, almost robotically, that he’s a legacy in the agency and he’s living out a childhood dream. There’s really nothing like pulling on the heartstrings of your superiors. James then states to him that his only weakness is that he fell in love and, for that, he must be killed ritualistically to placate the demons that keep the American government in power. Or he just gives up his job . . . but you have to admit the former choice was much more exciting.
Elsewhere, Sam looks longingly at the squished dime from earlier in the film; her father, sensing trouble – for the first time in the film – joins his daughter for a chat. Of course, he lacks the empathy to repair the situation, as he just patronizes Sam with his superior standing; Sam, much to her credit, calls him on it. Later, the President talks with his crazy wife and James drives through some plains for some reason or another. The President, perhaps the next day, week, or month, gives a press conference; elsewhere, James cries and washes his face. Then he shaves his head into a Mohawk and goes through an elaborate workout ritual. Oh, wait . . . that’s Taxi Driver. Some night, Sam and her father converse over another piece of cake – well, I’ll give this film one thing: the cake looks delicious – and Sam confides that she wants her father to watch out for James – not in the sinister way, though – and that the only time she ever felt freedom was under James’ watch. And, perhaps, she even felt love . . . unless she’s like her mother, who can’t feel anything at all.
That November, the President wins his re-election . . . and then he gives a speech at his Christmas party. Uh-oh, something tells me we’re wrapping up because the film is going into warp speed. Anyway, the President and Sam dance and we should be thrilled to see that Mia and her longtime crush are there together as well. And James is there! And he’s dressed in a dirty hooded sweatshirt and Army boots! He was the Zodiac killer all along! Or not, as he’s just dressed in a tuxedo like everyone else. He cuts in between Sam and the President but Sam, for some reason, is apprehensive. Perhaps in James’ absence she’s moved on to another guy. She is in college now and free to be the slut she wants to be. James, perhaps harnessing the power of hypnotism, gets all intense and then Sam loosens up and goofs around with him . . . and then she gets weird again. James . . . it’s your last chance! RUN! James ends the dance by giving her a car key and then they say goodbye . . . umm, yeah. Then, outside the ballroom, James and Sam run into each other and make out and we’re supposed to be all happy for them even though we know it’ll never work out because she’s really only eighteen and she has A LOT of growing up to do. Anyway, Sam tries to make light of the situation by stating that she just forgot her purse . . . down James’ throat, apparently. After Sam takes her leave, a long-silent Secret Service colleague of James’ gives his coworker a pep talk; outside the White House, Sam finds an old Beetle and she drives off back to college while still wearing her ball gown. Hmm . . . I have to question the logic of giving the President’s daughter a foreign car but, since he already won re-election, he doesn’t have to give a damn about appeasing the labor states anymore, so Michigan can just screw off.
I’m frightened. I really am. Why? Well, as bad as Chasing Liberty was, it’s still better than its bastard relative First Daughter. And, even though Mandy Moore made a much more likable First Daughter and Mark Harmon and Michael Keaton were a push as President, the blame for First Daughter’s horridness falls squarely on the shoulders of one person: Jerry O’Connell. Now, I know what you’re all thinking: “WHAT?!” Please allow me to explain. Jerry O’Connell, the extremely charismatic former fat kid from Stand by Me, is actually credited with co-writing the story for First Daughter while being totally uninvolved with Chasing Liberty. Therefore, we have no one to blame but him for this atrocity, but we’ll still like him anyway only because he doesn’t mind being billed as “the former fat kid from Stand by Me.” Note to Jerry, though: stay in front of the camera . . . you’re better there.
Join me next week as we study the fall of a promising young actress from the heights of critically acclaimed Shakespearean adaptations to terrible “original” pictures. It’s a pillorying you won’t want to miss!
