The Big Screen Bulletin 03.23.09: A Spring in My Step

Posted by Chad Webb on 03.23.2009

"Mission Impossible 4" news, a nightmare with the crew from "Still Waiting...", the box office results, DC Comics says no more R rated movies, the "Dick Tracy" court battle, new DVD releases, new quickees, and much more!

Straight to Video Nightmares

Still Waiting…

Starring: John Michael Higgins, Alanna Ubach, and Luis Guzman
Directed By: Jeff Balis
Written By: Rob McKittrick
Release Date: February 17, 2009
Running Time: 90 minutes
Unrated







Back in 2005, I reviewed Waiting… for the site, and hated it with a fiery passion. It had debuted at #7 on the box office, received loathsome reviews from critics, and went away. It gave me some of my most hated feedback at the time, mostly from people who couldn't spell. Somehow, the film has gathered a following on DVD, and has received a 2-Disc Deluxe Edition if you can fathom that. This has prompted a Direct-to-DVD sequel, aptly titled Still Waiting…. I can't help but write this line: I'm "still waiting" for these restaurant parodies to make me laugh.

It's funny because every now and then I will have someone gleefully mention Waiting… to me, and depending on who they are, I will have to smile, be polite, and refrain from spitting out a furious rage of how incredibly shallow and stupid the comedy is. More often than not, someone will say: "…and I know somebody who was a waiter, and they told me the movie is exactly like real life." It's not. Even Rob McKittrick, writer and director of the first film, who is only the screenwriter here, stated he strongly embellished most of the sequences despite the fact that he was once a waiter. He wanted to make his equivalent to Clerks, but hiring Ryan Reynolds quickly shrunk that hope.

I'll move along to this sequel, which thankfully does not include Reynolds, and one might expect this to be less grating to watch as a result. Sadly no. They have replaced Reynolds with someone ten times as maddening. More on him later. The center of attention here is Shenaniganz manager Dennis (John Michael Higgins), who is bad with women, and is anxiously awaiting a promotion to District Manager soon. The people that own Shenaniganz also own Ta-Ta's, a Hooters style restaurant that is located right next to Shenaniganz and beats them in sales everyday. The problem is Dennis will not be promoted unless he makes $9,000 every night from now on. This proves to be impossible.

Among the employees at this restaurant is another bizarre conglomeration of over the top characters. Steve Howey steps into the womanizer/lothario part which Reynolds performed. He is Agnew, and is extremely irritating from the moment we meet him. He has a girlfriend that just started at Ta-Ta's, named Allison (Maggie Lawson). She sports that reluctant expression immediately, telling us she'll quit the job and dump her bf before long. You also have Josh (Phillip Vaden), an overworked waiter that keeps having a nightmare we're supposed to laugh at, but only fall asleep to. The enraged hostess is Naomi (Alanna Ubach), who wants to work at Ta-Ta's, but is too much of a drunk. The bartender is Hank (Kirk Fox), a low-key individual who has a wild mustache, seems nice, and wants to be a rock star. Chuck (Chris Williams) is the chef that is constantly playing pranks, and it is always the same one, which was not even remotely funny to start with. Finally, the manager of Ta-Ta's is Calvin, played by Rob Benedict, who can have sex with any of his waitresses at any time.

A handful of people reprise their roles from the first film. Andy Milonakis is still the white busboy Nick that raps out in the back of the restaurant. Chi McBride serves to give wise advice for no reason as Bishop. Luis Guzman's Raddimus is now a chef at Ta-Ta's, and has a couple scenes that are unmemorable. Justin Long has been promoted a few times as Dean, and he pops in at the end. David Koechner is Dennis' boss Dan and Vanessa Lengies is Natasha, some girl that hangs things on the bulletin board in a 30 second scene. You also have a brief cameo from Adam Corolla as Ken Halsband, a dude who sells videos teaching males how being a dick gets women.

Nothing has really changed in this sequel at all. McKittrick wrote this, so the same childish extremes are still attained, the same raunchy humor that was so painful to endure is still available, and the same clichés are still present. If you needed any evidence of how truly awful the first film is, Still Waiting… will remind you instantly. It says unrated, but that is primarily due to language. The sex scenes are tame at best, and the nudity consists of Alanna Ubach (Naomi) taking her top off, but it is obviously a pair of stand-in breasts, which is just criminal if you ask me.

I could even argue that the jokes this time around are offensive. Not only are they racist, but the topics include mocking abortion and blind people. McKittrick also finds a way to touch on the Jewish and their money, in addition to African-American's Kool-Aid preferences. But of course the customary areas are on hand as well: urine, flatulence, semen, and dog excrement. McKittrick simply recycles many of the same gags, while trying to concoct new ways of displaying others. He has no clue how to be creative as the desperation to be increasingly vulgar and crasser prevents this sequel from improving. If someone can watch these films and honestly tell me that they are close to reality in the restaurant business, then they must be getting served some secret ingredient at those places that I am missing.

Director Jeff Balis makes his debut with this project, and as his first time, he can do very little to eliminate the crudeness and foul tone of McKittrick's script. I feel sorry for him. The blame does not rest on his shoulders. Unfortunately the abominable story calls for exaggerated performances, obnoxious mannerisms, and disgusting humor, so what choice does Balis have but to film what is placed in front of him? Even Lindsay Lohan isn't safe from the bad one-liners. If would be terrific if someone legitimately tried to make a plausible restaurant comedy, one that focused on real situations and reactions, but Still Waiting… is not that movie.

What makes this experience as bad as humanly possible is that the first and last images are about as amusing and entertaining as someone spitting in your food. You have the laugh-free John Michael Higgins brushing his teeth and peeing in the sink at the same time, and then Andy Milonakis with a wannabe ICP rap song. I would end with a line that compares Still Waiting… to food poisoning or a dish that is not appetizing, but they have probably been used by other writers. I'll just say this is the opposite of funny, and does not even come close to deterring me from going to similar restaurants in the future.

Final Rating = 1.5/10.0

The News Bulletin

Cage "Knows" Audiences
Summit Entertainment's Nicolas Cage starrer "Knowing" easily topped the weekend box office chart in debuting to an estimated $24.8 million, while buddy laffer "I Love You, Man" and Julia Roberts' topliner "Duplicity" came in on the lower end of expectations. "I Love You, Man," starring Paul Rudd and Jason Segal, grossed an estimated $18 million from 2,711 runs to place No. 2, according to Rentrak. Box observers predicted it would do closer to $20 million. "Duplicity," pairing Roberts with Clive Owen, grossed an estimated $14.4 million from 2,574 runs. Overseas, the film grossed $4.2 million as it opened in 11 territories for a worldwide opening haul of $18.6. Most thought "Duplicity" would come in higher domestically, based on Roberts' name. Film could have hampered by the fact that it appealed mostly to older women; 78% of the aud were over the age of 30, making it a one quadrant movie. Since femme driven pics and comedies don't necessarily need big openings, but rather strong legs, "Duplicity" and "I Love You, Man" have room to maneuver.

"Love You Man" in particular could take advantage of college kids and older high schoolers being out of school for spring break. "Knowing" marks Cage's sixth best opening. Summit says the successful pic's bow was another sizeable victory for the indie studio, which is home to the "Twilight" franchise. Summit reported strong sales for the DVD launch of "Twilight," which went on sale Saturday (Tuesday is the traditional day for DVD debuts). Studio, however, did not have. Overall, the weekend box office was down 5% over the same frame last year. It's the second weekend in a row that the domestic B.O. has been down. Studio execs say it could just be a temporary lull.

As my predicting wrong streak continues, we see that Nicolas Cage still has what it takes to stand tall at the box office, despite any review he receives, or any hair bashing that occurs. While Watchmen is approaching $100 mill, the gross thus far cannot be what the studio wanted. It is already at #5. Not good. The new releases dominated the top 3 surprisingly. The films that have been in the top 10 for months are finally slipping off. He's Just Not That Into You is gone, but Taken, Slumdog, and Madea are still around. Race to Witch Mountain took a substantial dip to #4 in 1 week, and Last House on the Left is comfortable in the middle. Monsters vs. Aliens arrives next week, and it should have no problem dethroning Cage and beating Cena.






DC Characters to be PG-13?
With the failure of "Punisher: War Zone" and the severe drop-off of "Watchmen" at the box-office, it comes as no surprise that Warner Brothers has essentially sworn off doing R-rated superhero and possibly tentpole films in general according to sources for IESB.Net. The studio, which owns the rights to all DC properties, is developing film versions of Green Lantern, The Flash and (eventually) Wonder Woman alongside its Batman and Superman franchises. All of these logically will be made with a PG-13 rating in mind. One note though is that this doesn't mean R-rated comic book adaptations are off the table, "Jonah Hex" for example will likely still be rated R as it is not seen as a superhero or tentpole feature. This does mean however the pressure will increase on McG to deliver a PG-13 cut of "Terminator Salvation".

This should be an obvious maneuver from the studio, but it's a dumb one. Yes, the rating was certainly one reason for the disappointing performance of those films, but to blame it solely on that is absolutely ridiculous. Whether anyone that reads this site admits it or not, a lot of people just don't care about The Punisher. It is a character that will never connect to some audiences, no matter how many times it is rebooted, and no matter who is the star. How is this confusing? The same goes for The Incredible Hulk. As for Watchmen, dismal reviews and a bizarre story for those outside the fanboy realm will not entice the casual moviegoing public to spend money on a bunch of superheroes they are not familiar with. Every Terminator flick to date has been justifiably rated R. By dropping a level, it would not only anger fans, but give critics more of a reason to bash the hell out of it. Please McG, leave the rating the way it is.






Film Festival Fluctuations
With the economy in the tank and corporate sponsors in retreat, it's not easy running a film festival these days. Toppers at U.S. fests are spinning like revolving doors, and the whole fest map is on the verge of being redrawn. Talk in Gotham for instance, has centered recently on a potential shift of Tribeca from the spring into a fall slot, at the instigation of Geoff Gilmore. The longtime Sundance guru joined Tribeca Enterprises this month as chief creative officer. A date shift for the Tribeca Fest has long been buzzed about, but fest organizers officially scotch any such talk. One major hurdle, they say, is the November date of a Tribeca extension into Doha, Qatar. That fest's first edition this year will be overseen largely by Gilmore and other Tribeca organizers. Were it to happen, of course, the date change would also upend other conventions. Pics not ready for Toronto, such as last year's "Revolutionary Road" or "The Reader," would have a new place to bow, and in the world media capital, to boot.

The biggest impact in Gotham would hit the august New York Film Festival. A fall fixture for 46 years, that event would be undercut by a shift of Tribeca. As fest regulars contemplate the chess moves and their repercussions, the scorecard now requires constant updating. Peter Scarlet departed in February as Tribeca Fest artistic director, not long after Gilmore's hiring was announced. The gap at Sundance was filled by exec John Cooper, who was upped to replace Gilmore on March 11. Such shifts might suggest that the future of fests is hardly bright. But these shuffles are largely cyclical, with an open berth creating chances for toppers at other confabs to seize new opportunities.

"I don't see any kind of domino effect (among festivals themselves)," says Graham Leggat, head of the San Francisco Film Festival. "The organizations are far greater than the front-person's personality. Festivals will always serve as a de facto distribution mechanism for films that are under the radar." Leggat says the fests are strong enough to survive and thrive. And some see a chance for the confabs to have greater impact on the indie film scene in lean times. "With distribution models in flux, this is a great opportunity for festivals to take the lead," says Dawn Hudson, exec director of the Los Angeles Film Festival. The indie world is keeping a close watch on Gilmore and his new role at Tribeca, and whether it means the fest might move itself out of the shadow of Cannes.

Well, if Tribeca moved to the fall, it would completely mess up the schedule, which is fine the way it is if you ask me. Tribeca is one of the worst festivals of the bunch anyway. You don't usually here about many hugely successful films from there. I volunteered for them once, and Spider-Man 3 premiered there at the time, but other than a big summer event blockbuster and a few solid films, many of their releases end up not getting strong distribution. You would think that the recession and the writer's strike backlash would cause independent efforts to gain some momentum, but that has yet to happen really. Understandably, people are worried about these positions changing, but such a drastic move in the timeslot would cause violent waves to affect the whole picture. Stay tuned.






Meet the Director
The Fockers have a new patriarch it seems. "Get Smart" director Peter Segal is expected to take on directing chores for the third "Meet the Parents" film, "Little Fockers", replacing regular series helmer Jay Roach. Variety reports that Segal was originally expecting to return to the director's chair for "Get Smart 2", but those plans were put on hold when the film's star Steve Carell opted to first make "Date Night" with Tina Fey and helmer Shawn Levy. John Hamburg, writer and director of "I Love You, Man", has already written the film. He also scripted the first two pictures in the series, which has raked in a worldwide gross of over $820 million to date. Production on "Little Fockers" is expected to get underway later this year.

We all knew Little Fockers would become a reality sooner or later. Of course the cast must reprise their roles for this to be reach its full box office potential, but that is not an issue just yet. I have heard that everyone but Dustin Hoffman and Barbara Streisand agreed to return so far. I hated Meet the Fockers. Now logically, since this will center on the kids, we will see more shenanigans reminiscent of those in the first sequel. Those segments were the primary weaknesses if you ask me: Robert De Niro wearing the fake breasts for instance. Meet the Parents is a classic, but I do not have high hopes for the future of the franchise. Peter Segal is a perfect fit as far as replacing Jay Roach, and you never know, he might turn out to be great, but I doubt it.






Mission Incruisable
Is Tom Cruise prepping a fourth Mission: Impossible film? According to a scooper for Ain't It Cool News, the superstar has revealed in an interview with a Japanese TV show that he's working on the story for the fourth entry in the action/espionage franchise right now. He added that he was thinking about how to stage a large scale-action sequence in downtown Tokyo. This is not the first time we've heard rumors of another movie in the series. Back in May last year Sumner Redstone, the head of Viacom (who own Paramount), publicly extended an olive branch to Cruise after he acrimoniously parted company with the studio, opening the way for a new production.

I am of the opinion that the Mission Impossible series has gotten progressively better with each sequel. The first one I rated about 6.5 or 7 out of 10. When John Woo sat in the director's chair for #2, I gave it about an 7.5/10. And when J.J. Abrams brought in Philip Seymour Hoffman and Billy Crudup, the series reached its peak. I gave it about 8.5/10. I do not see another sequel improving upon anything. Since this is Cruise's baby however, and he desperately needs another hit to prove he is bankable, this will definitely happen in the next few years or so, but will it be good? I say no. A lot of factors would have to click into place again, like the director, the stars, and the action scenes. The third time was a charm, but do not go to the well too many times.






Dick Tracy Trouble
Dick Tracy director and star Warren Beatty is facing a lawsuit over legal rights to the brand. In a Delaware, U.S. court filing on Thursday, Tribune Media Services - a unit of bankrupt newspaper publisher Tribune - alleged Beatty "wrongly claims" to have exclusive motion picture and television rights to the police detective character. Beatty bought the broadcast rights to Dick Tracy in 1985, going on to act and direct the 1990 film of the same name which also starred Madonna and Al Pacino. According to court papers, Tribune Co. claims Beatty "made no productive use" of the rights for more than a decade and therefore they should revert back to Tribune as the franchise is potentially worth millions. Court papers reveal that the battle for Dick Tracy has been going on since 2006, and in November last year Beatty filed a suit against Tribune Media Services stating he had already begun work on a Dick Tracy television special.

Does a battle over Dick Tracy really need to happen? I mean, I enjoyed Warren Beatty's film, and wish it would be double-dipped on DVD, but is there a huge demand to see the character return? My outlook says not likely. Regardless, I understand that Beatty wants to keep the rights. Just because he hasn't done anything "productive" with them should not mean he loses control of the brand altogether. That is completely retarded. I'm not a lawyer, but when you buy something to own, then you can do with it how you please. A television special seems to be trivial, but I can bet this will not end well. Does Beatty care? I have not read any comments from him.

The 20 Second Sermon

The first piece of bad news for those anticipating The Expendables has arrived, or well, it had arrived. 50 Cent was announced to replace Oscar winner Forest Whitaker. For whatever reason, maybe because of the numerous unfavorable posts in blogs across the internet over the decision, apparently now 50 will not be involved. I heard recently that Terry Crews will be filling the spot. Well, he might not be an award winner, but he beats 50 Cent. Word has it that Shawnee Smith will reprise her role as Jigsaw's apprentice in Saw VI and that the film will be much more violent. I'm game. At this point, the people that see these movies are in it for the long haul. A big rumor has the new James T. Kirk actor, Chris Pine, portraying Hal Jordan "The Green Lantern" in the film set for a 2010 release with Martin Campbell as director. I have not yet judged Pine in Star Trek, but I do know he was mediocre in Just My Luck and Smokin' Aces. Paramount Pictures has attached Brad Pitt and Natalie Portman to star in a film based on the new Leanne Shapton book Important Artifacts and Personal Property From the Collection of Lenore Doolan and Harold Morris, Including Books, Street Fashion and Jewelry. Those two could make a good team. Though it is highly unlikely, Martin Short says he would love to see a sequel to Three Amigos! with Steve Martin and Chevy Chase. Yeah…not going to happen.

What's Coming to DVD….Buy or Avoid?

DVD Headline of the Week



Quantum of Solace - Director Marc Forster created an all action Bond, which was a risk, but it was definitely entertaining. Aside from too much action and not being accessible, this was very good. The acting is top notch, the locations were striking, and the development was all around adequate. Multiple editions will be released. Buyable

Watchmen: Tales of the Black Freighter & Under the Hood - My advice is to hold off on this one. The "Ultimate Edition" that has been talked about is supposed to have both of these stories intertwined with the film, so wait for that, and see what is on it.

James Bond Blu-Ray Collection, Volume 3 - This includes Goldfinger, Moonraker, and The World is Not Enough. The last one is obviously the one no one wants, but I enjoy the first two enough to recommend the box set as a unit. Plus, it's cheap enough. Of course, you can get them separately too. Never Say Never Again hits Blu-Ray as well, but not in this set. Buyable

Forbidden Hollywood Collection, Vol. 3 - This includes 6 films: Other Men's Women, The Purchase Price, Frisco Jenny, Midnight Mary, Heroes for Sale, and Wild Boys of the Road.

Cake Eaters - A movie with Kristen Stewart and Nruce Dern. Stewart has an expression like she usually does.

To Catch a Thief (Centennial Collection) - If I was to rate Hitchcock's film from 1 to 4 stars, I have always thought of this one as a 3 star effort. It's good, but not great, and has been re-released on DVD too many times to count. I don't see how this is an improvement, but here you go if you love it. Buy it Used

Happily N'ever After 2: Snow White - I had the unfortunate task of reviewing the first one, which you can read here. I am curious about any DTV animated sequel that does not involve Disney, so look for this in a nightmare.

Lilo & Stitch (2-Disc Big Wave Edition) - This recent Disney hand-drawn offering has never been my cup of tea. It's ok I suppose, but nothing I would want to buy. Rentable

The Odd Couple (Centennial Collection) - If memory serves correct, Erik Luers is reviewing this for the site. If he does not have it done by the time you read this, he is in trouble. I don't think The Odd Couple has received many dips in the DVD world, so this should be better than anything prior.

Gardens of the Night - With a cast that includes John Malkovich and Kevin Zegers, I wonder why I have never heard of this. However, the star is Tom Arnold, and the description praises him as if he were an Oscar contender, which tells me this sucks.

The Last Metro - Criterion Collection - This plot is reminiscent of Mrs. Henderson Presents, only French instead of British, and not a comedy. Still, it sounds intriguing.

Big Stan - A martial arts comedy starring Rob Schneider that I've never heard of. All I can think about is that old South Park episode. Poor Rob...ok maybe not.

The Critic's Quickee

The Last House on the Left - First of all, let me say that The Virgin Spring is the original of this story. I don't care what anyone claims, or what any site lists, Wes Craven's film did not only adapt the source material as screenwriter Sean Cunningham said, it took a lot from Director Ingmar Bergman. If you ask me, it is one of those remakes that pretends not to be, like Disturbia. IMDB does refer to it as a remake thankfully. Anyway, The Virgin Spring is the masterpiece (where else will you see Max Von Sydow wrestle a tree?), Craven's "original" was disturbing and quite sufficient, and now we have this, third telling of the story. It is definitely better than what we are accustomed to seeing as far as remakes are concerned. What separates this remake from the rest of the packs of sludge is the direction. Dennis Iladis absolutely has potential as a filmmaker, and he shows that throughout the picture with clever camera angles, tight pacing, and establishing a smooth atmosphere in small areas. Although I agree with many of the critics who say the performances were good, and they are, the direction is the reason we aren't dismissing this. Screenwriters Adam Alleca and Carl Ellsworth do indeed put a slightly new spin on the scenario, but that is both a positive and a negative in my opinion. I admired the scene where the criminals break free from the police. It grabbed the viewers' attention and alerted us to their brutality right away. However, this recycles much of the same from Craven's and Bergman's versions with the outline and so forth. The murderers still have the kid who is somewhat confused, although they do take that a bit farther here, the marijuana is still the reason the girls are dumb (which is fine), and the parents exact about the same amount of revenge. Among the changes was that the father is now a doctor, very beneficial for what occurs here. I didn't mind that. Too much coincidence maybe, but whatever. Iladis does an excellent job of getting the blood pumping and the emotions heated.

Rape scenes are always tough to watch, and as Erik mentioned in his review, Irreversible is one and Straw Dogs is another powerful one. This one is tame, but still unnerving. The big alteration was in letting the girl live, and that is why I cannot move this over the hump from **1/2 to ***. You might recall the history of both previous renditions. Both were banned in various parts the world and/or went to court due to the content. By eliminating that second death, it rips that controversy away, and leaves the intended impact weakened. Imagine if Craven and Bergman had done the same. We might not even have this remake, and the attention they received because of the controversy would be gone. Since this is the third try, there was not much to change, but I just feel that this plot has gone the distance, and does not need any more remakes. Sara Paxton, Tony Goldwyn, Garret Dilahunt and Nicolas Cage's woman from Con Air (Monica Potter) all give commendable turns. I would just like to add one other thing, and that is that the impact of the horrendous acts, fatal or not, rest on how we view the main girl. No one has topped Bergman, who took the quintessential innocent "virgin" character and made violating her all the more gut-wrenching. Craven's girl was mediocre, and Iladis does capture some of Bergman's aim in that area with Sara Paxton, but she is not quite as convincing in her purity. Anyway, I enjoyed many aspects of this, and give credit to the director, but the central flaw here rests with the fact that the story has been beaten to death and any new spin on it only hurts the intentions in the end. Final rating = 6.5/10.0

Race to Witch Mountain - For those keeping track at home, this is the fifth installment of this franchise, providing you count the made-for-TV sequel/pilot episode for what was supposed to be a TV show and the 1995 remake. Those last two are not available except for on bootlegs. For starters, I enjoyed the original 1975 film. I hated the sequel with intensity. However the original was a plain old solid family film that was fun to watch. My main problem with Race to Witch Mountain is that this really isn't a family film. This is an action/adventure flick, and below that I would call it sci-fi before calling it family geared. Aside from that, one of the primary flaws is that this new story fails to capture what the originals did, and that was heart. This film lacks heart, and in my opinion it shows. Not only that, but it takes itself way too seriously, whereas the old films established a light and comical atmosphere. It is more interested in explosions and car chases, then developing the characters, creating a story that seems fluid, and harnessing the CGI. I did not like the way they used the kids' powers. In many situations, the kids do not use any powers, when they are supposed to have the ability to get out of certain predicaments.

Plus, I think they could have flaunted them more, but instead, you have a really corny and conventional looking assassin robot that hunts them. You know, I read the Fact or Fiction with Leonard and Larry, and I saw how Larry said that his daughter enjoyed The Game Plan and that the Rock was a big hit with his family. I can appreciate that, and I like the Rock too, but I just think it is such a shame to see someone with so much talent no challenging himself at all. In The Game Plan, in addition to most of his roles, and here, he is included solely for comic relief, and it gets tiresome in Race to Witch Mountain. I don't know who would buy him as a cab driver, no matter what the character history might be. AnnaSophia Robb and Alexander Ludwig are both fine as the alien children I guess. AnnaSophia Robb was spectacular in Bridge to Terabithia, and has a bright future. Carla Gugino is totally unnecessary as the love interest for the Rock and the expert on UFO's. Oh, yeah, there is a UFO convention at the same time and area of this incident. Director Andy Fickman, who led Rock in The Game Plan, would rather take elements from random sci-fi films than from the original Disney source. This has a bit of The Day the Earth Stood Still, The Matrix and a scene copied right from Close Encounters of the Third Kind. The vehicle they drive throughout most of the movie takes more punishment than 5 real cars ever could, but I digress. The government characters in this are completely retarded, but whatever. The script contains overly poor dialogue, but whatever. The point is, this movie is bad, and acts more as a vehicle for the Rock than a family film. The intentions are way off. Final Rating = 4.0/10.0

What Have I Done?

Monday - I've been catching up on some Local H lately. They are a two-man band out of Chicago. Most people would recognize the song "Bound for the Floor", but I picked up used copied of some other albums like Pack up the Cats and Here Comes the Zoo, both of which are pretty damn good rock CD's. I still need to get the most recent material though. I never knew they recorded a cover of Britney Spears' song "Toxic" until just recently. I need to hear that.




Tuesday - Believe it or not, this is actually a soda flavor in Japan. Pepsi Ice Cucumber was or is a limited release in the land of the rising sun. Pepsi releases a lot of odd flavors in random parts of the world. Now, I know different strokes for different folks, but cucumber and soda do not mix. You can watch a video of someone drinking it here. I looked on Ebay, and no bottles were being auctioned. Darn.





Wednesday - I just finished the Quantum of Solace Ian Fleming book, consisting of all the James Bond short stories. Among the titles not yet used in movie form: Risico, The Hildebrand Rarity, The Property of a Lady, and 007 in New York. The last one could probably not be adapted, and the rest would make for one sequence in a film, but of the titles, The Property of a Lady seems like the best if they must use just a Fleming title. Most of the stories were solid, but a bunch involved fish and underwater adventures. 007 in New York was basically a Fleming bitch session on how he dislikes the city.





Thursday - I watched A Dangerous Man: Lawrence After Arabia, a 1990 made-for-TV film starring Ralph Fiennes as T.E. Lawrence. Although Fiennes does his best to respect the character, most of the story takes place at the Paris Peace Conference, and only focuses on Lawrence and Lord Feisel, so unless you are a history buff, this will be dull. I was looking for insights into Lawrence, but this added very little and only increased his mysterious qualities. Worth checking out if you love the David Lean epic, but other than that, stay away.




The Weekend - It was as if Steph and I went on a baby tour this weekend. We visited two of them, one 4 months old, and the other 1 day old. I've been around a lot of babies, but looking at the happy expressions on the new parents' faces always makes you smile. Luckily, both of these were cute, and it wasn't one of those Seinfeld moments where you had to look away. I realize how corny this entry was, but hey, that is what I did Friday and Saturday.

Based on the Trailer…

Note that some links require you to scroll down a menu below the trailer screen. This is Yahoo's fault most likely.

Newest Trailers

The Haunting in Connecticut - This trailer has been out awhile, but I keep seeing it lately. This looks atrocious. I think that someone in Hollywood should ban all titles with "Haunting" in them. The world would be a better place. Trailer Rating = 2.5/10.0

Orphan - Well, if there is a chance of Vera Farmiga nudity, I'm there, and Peter Sarsgaard is cool, but this looks like The Omen with a girl character instead of Damien. In other words, this evil child outline needs to have a break. Trailer Rating = 5.0/10.0

Thirst - This is a Korean trailer for Park Chan-wook new vampire film. I can't understand what is being said, but I can assure you it looks awesome. I won't rate it until an English version is released.

Imagine That - Eddie Murphy delivers another bland looking comedy vehicle. Like anything he stars in lately, it will probably suck. This strikes me as close to Liar Liar, but oh well. Trailer Rating = 5.0/10.0

G-Force - Is Disney greenlighting anything that can be 3-D now? They also seem to love talking animals. This looks so gigantically awful. Will Arnett is in this, and that makes me sad. Wow. Trailer Rating = 1.0/10.0

March Releases

Monsters vs. Aliens - Wow, another terrific trailer, and this is a CGI flick from Dreamworks, who is stepping up their game past Shrek thankfully. This looks hysterical. Trailer Rating =9.5/10.0

12 Rounds - A Cena character loses a girlfriend again. Yippee. Renny Harlin looks to have honed the action a bit, but Cena's acting and the plot are still weak. This seems to have borrowed a lot from the Die Hard franchise. Still, Cena is worth a second chance. Trailer Rating = 5.5/10.0

April Releases

Adventureland - The new film from Superbad director Greg Motolla looks ok. I'm more intrigued by the cast of young actors than the plot itself. I'm sure it will deliver enough laughs though. Trailer Rating = 7.5/10.0

The Escapist - A British prison break film starring Brian Cox. This is my favorite genre, so I can't wait for this, but in order for this to make a splash, it will have to be something special. The critic quotes being from random guys worries me. Trailer Rating = 8.0/10.0

Lymelife - This film cries independent, but it does look amusing, even if it is another dysfunctional family drama of sorts. With Kieran and Rory Culkin in the cast, I highly expected to see Macaulay, but did not. Trailer Rating = 7.5.10.0

The Informers - This has an odd cast, but looks somewhat lame if you ask me. The book might be fantastic, but this trailer failed to stand out for me. It's about a bunch of people that party a lot or something. It is also Renfro's last film. Trailer Rating = 5.0/10.0

17 Again = Matthew Perry and Zac Efron play the same character at different ages. Sure…whatever. These storylines are getting old. Efron is a tool and this movie looks terrible. Of course it will be a smash hit. Trailer Rating = 2.5/10.0

Fast & Furious - Is that the best title they could come up with? Well, I hate this franchise, and everything it stands for, but I'd be lying if I said this wasn't a step up from the previous installment. Trailer Rating = 6.0/10.0

The Soloist - Atonement' Joe Wright changes his British period drama material for something new. This looks a bit like Resurrecting the Champ, only with better actors. Trailer Rating = 8.5/10.0

Dragonball: Evolution - Not too sure about this yet. The special effects look great, but then again, people said that about Jumper too. I'm new to this whole thing, but this looks like it could be bad, but Chow Yun Fat is in it, so one never knows. Trailer Rating = 6.5/10.0

Hannah Montana: The Movie - I know 411 readers have been dying for this trailer. In all honesty, it doesn't matter how bad we think this will be because it will be a box office smash for sure. Remember when her concert got #1 last year? Yes, the movie seems dumb, like the show, and anything with Billy Ray should not be in theaters. Trailer Rating = 6.5/10.0

Crank 2: High Voltage - This sequel looks ridiculous, preposterous, and over the top…all reasons I can't wait to see it. Statham is a solid action star, but better when comedy is mixed in. Trailer Rating = 8.0/10.0

Earth - A new documentary from the Disneynature series, narrated by James Earl Jones. This has some gorgeous visuals, and hopefully will be more entertaining than March of the Penguins. If anyone can out-narrate Morgan Freeman, it is James Earl Jones. Trailer Rating = 8.0/10.0

State of Play - As this preview starts, it seems like just another thriller with Russell Crowe, but the A-list cast on top of him causes one's interest to rise. I'll be seeing this one for sure. Trailer Rating = 8.5/10.0

Observe and Report - This must be the year of the mall security guard in cinema. Too bad Paul Blart was bad, and this looks dumb as well. I'm shocked to say that since Seth Rogen is involved, but I call it as I see it. Trailer Rating = 5.0/10.0

Fighting - This could be an easy contender for worst film of 2009. I stars Channing Tatum, and looks to be a rip-off of like 10 other films. The title alone should say a lot right? Trailer Rating = 1.0/10.0

May Releases

Battle for Terra - Here is another example of simply taking a lot of popular names, placing them in a CGI flick, and hoping for the best. I admit, the animation looks impressive, and it will probably eye-opening in 3D, but this strikes me as this year's Delgo. Trailer Rating = 5.5/10.0

Dance Flick - This Wayan parody trailer does what most parody trailers do: make you chuckle. But we all know the film will be a disaster. Well, some of us do. The others still see this sludge. Trailer Rating = 4.0/10.0

Up - Pixar's next flick looks like another funny, endearing, and funfilled adventure. At least we can rely on them for originality. I'll definitely be seeing this. Trailer Rating = 9.0/10.0

Ghosts of Girlfriends Past - It's a Matthew McConaughey romcom set for summer alongside a blockbuster. Aren't they al basically the same? This one looks as dumb as the rest. Trailer Rating = 3.0/10.0

My Life in Ruins - So Nia Vardalos basically takes a break for 5 years or so, until someone has a new Greece related project for her. This is the result, and Richard Dreyfuss is in it? Why? Can he get no other deals? Trailer Rating = 6.0/10.0

Terminator Salvation - I love Christian Bale, and the Terminator franchise, but I have serious doubts about this. I believe it will be terrible, but I must admit, this teaser was well constructed. Trailer Rating = 8.0/10.0

Star Trek XI - The teaser was superbly placed before Cloverfield, and this causes me to be amped for the next installment despite my doubts about the cast. I hope it's as good as we deserve. Trailer Rating = 9.0/10.0

Drag Me to Hell - Sam Raimi's next film is a return to horror, and thank God! This is straight horror, without comedy from the looks of it, so it will be more in the vein of The Evil Dead I. Alison Lohman should provide the thrills here as well. I can't wait. Trailer Rating = 9.0/10.0

X-Men Origins: Wolverine - I am undecided on this one. I think Gavin Hood is an excellent director, and I have faith in his talent, but the rest is a mixed bag, especially the first glimpse at Gambit, but that's my opinion. Otherwise, this looks to be heavy on action, which could be good or bad. Trailer Rating = 7.0/10.0

Night at the Museum 2: Battle of the Smithsonian - I realize the first one was a mammoth blockbuster hit, but it sucked, and this looks just as terrible, I don't care if Amy Adams and Jonah Hill are involved. Trailer Rating = 3.5/10.0

Angels & Demons - The Da Vinci Code was a superb thriller, and this looks to be outstanding as well. This teaser has me amped for Tom Hanks as Robert Langdon again! Trailer Rating = 9.0/10.0

Angels & Demons (2) - These stories are what they are. If you enjoy Indiana Jones, National Treasure type stuff, you'll like this. I loved the first film, and my fondness for Tom Hanks is widely known, so I'll be there opening night for this. This longer trailer sheds a bit of light. This looks to be a bit darker in tone. Trailer Rating = 8.5/10.0

June, TBD, and Beyond Releases

Planet 51 - This could be a fairly amusing CGI film. The animation looks nice, but this has few voices, and no real clue as to how funny it will be. I am still unsure, but it might be good, and it might not. Trailer Rating = 6.5/10.0

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (Super Bowl spot) - I was little late with this one, but it's too early to tell how good or bad this will be anyhow. I'm betting it's more bad than good. Trailer Rating = 5.0/10.0

G.I. Joe (Super Bowl spot) - Oh my Lord. This looks ten thousand ways of awful. I cannot believe that the cartoon I watched as a child, has been adapted in this way. Holy schnikes. Trailer Rating = 2.0/10.0

Land of the Lost (Super Bowl spot) - Will Ferrell is funny, but that is an excuse I am having trouble using as time goes along. This looks like the CGI is overwhelming everything. I'll see it, but my expectations are not high. Trailer Rating = 5.0/10.0

Year One (Super Bowl spot) - Jack Black and Michael Cera are hunter-gatherers set in the ancient world. This looks mildly amusing. Both actors should provide the laughs. Trailer Rating = 7.0/10.0

Public Enemies - This is my type of film. You have Michael Mann, Johnny Depp, Christian Bale, and a bunch of tommy guns. I am so there. Trailer Rating = 9.0/10.0

S. Darko - I can't help but laugh. This will be a huge pile of junk, and since I HATED the first one, I can only hope that this ruins its overrated reputation. Trailer Rating = 3.0/10.0

The Slammin' Salmon - The new Broken Lizard comedy starring the usual group of guys and Michael Clarke Duncan, who steals this red-band trailer. I love the comedies from this clan, so I will be seeing it. Trailer Rating = 8.0/10.0

Powder Blue - It stars Jessica Biel as a stripper, and includes Ray Liotta. Need I say more? Trailer Rating = 11/10

9 - This looks amazing, and the song in the background only makes me want to see it more. This will be a mighty tough year for Pixar to reign supreme in. Trailer Rating = 9.0/10.0

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen - During the first few seconds, I thought I had clicked on the trailer for Armageddon. I see robots, explosions, and the LaBeoufster. Other than that, what is happening is anyone's guess. Trailer Rating = 6.0/10.0

The Boat that Rocked - I love music, so this is right up my alley. It's about a radio station on a boat, one that helped give rock music to the world. It stars Philip Seymour Hoffman and Nick Frost. Trailer Rating = 8.0/10.0

Funny People - The new dramedy from Judd Apatow starring Adam Sandler, Seth Rogen, Jonah Hill, and others. This looks very funny and touching at the same time, and that's what Apatow does best. I hope this can salvage what if left of Sandler's dignity. Trailer Rating = 9.0/10.0

Inglorious Basterds - Many expressed disappointment with this, but it is a WWII film from Tarantino, so what were you expecting? I think it looks awesome. I can't wait to see it! Trailer Rating = 9.0/10.0

The Taking of Pelham 123 - The new film by Tony Scott, starring his buddy Denzel, John Travolta, and James Gandolfini. Can Tony dust himself off from the decline his career has taken? Travolta makes a neat villain, so only time will tell. This thriller seems mediocre to me at first glance. Trailer Rating = 6.5/10.0

The Proposal - This is an example of a romantic comedy I loathe. Ryan Reynolds and Sandra Bullock are the stars. Yay. Watch this preview and tell me you cannot predict how this ends. Trailer Rating = 4.0/10.0

The Perfect Game - Though I'm not a baseball fan, I always enjoy watching the Little League World Series. The problem with this film, despite a bad title, is that the preview reveals way too much, so hopefully it has more going for it besides the story, which I'm sure is inspirational. Trailer Rating = 6.5/10.0

New York, I Love You - The first film, Paris, Je T'aime was one of the best films in recent memory that few knew about. So I am very excited about this second installment. The cast and directors look amazing. It should be a terrific experience. Trailer Rating = 9.0/10.0

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince - This was a great book, the darkest of the set, and this trailer rocks. I'm anxious to see this. The franchise has not decreased in quality, and here's hoping this continues that trend. Trailer Rating = 9.0/10.0

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince (2) - Yes, I am a bit skeptical of the director, but this looks very good. This teaser gave me hope that Yates knows what he's doing. The comedy part at the end was terrific. Trailer Rating = 9.0/10.0

Other Stuff to Read

The Best Movies of the Alphabet
The Best and Worst Bond Films.
411 March Roundtable - This month Owain J. Brimfield continues as roundtable host and compiles the thoughts of the movie zone staff on the releases for March!
The MeeThinks Friday FreeThinks - Thanks again to John Meehan for providing my banner here, and for the Alphabet feature.

Also, keep an eye out for more comic book character timelines in the future. Here are the first two:

The Ultimate Batman Timeline
The Ultimate Daredevil Timeline



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