Glee Review - 3.7 'I Kissed a Girl'

Posted by Dimitri Dorlis on 11.30.2011

It's a special edition of the Glee review, as elections come to a head, and Santana comes out.

I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving weekend! How did I spend mine? By dealing with the worst people in history on Friday, watching my beloved UCLA Bruins get blown out on Saturday, and watching my beloved San Diego Chargers lose to Jesus Christ himself on Sunday.

Oh, and now I get to watch Glee. Fantastic.



So I’m going to be doing something a little different this week. Instead of the normal analysis of the show as a whole and then bitch about it thing that I normally do, I’m going to offer up my thoughts as the show progresses, using the commercial breaks to analyze the previous segment. The main idea here is that you can read along while you watch the show, and also watch my slow descent into madness. It’s Glee: Running Commentary Edition!

Plus this gives me time to work on the Glee drinking game that probably exists but my rules will be better.

- Ok, gotta give credit to Glee at the beginning. It at least mentions the fact that they just keep adding things whenever they feel like it.

- “I’m sorry, but since a student had a lit firecracker stuffed down his pants three years ago, we’ve had a zero-tolerence physical violence policy!” Principal Figgins always has a good reason for any rule he enforces.

- Also slushies are not suspend-worthy.

- Man, why does Finn keep being the worst person. I get that he’s supposed to be this stand-up guy and everything, but there is literally no reason for him to come to Santana’s aid. Hell, it would have actually meant something if Santana actually felt some repercussions here. Now when both squads eventually tie at Sectionals (because you know Glee loves reusing storylines) it won’t mean the same thing if Santana had been suspended.

- I grew up around the time the YuGiOh cartoon came out, and main character Tea was known for giving friendship speeches all the time. I’m starting to think Finn is this show’s version of Tea, what with him talking about how awesome people are.

- Ok, that was actually the most devious thing that Finn just pulled. Blackmailing Santana in order to reform New Directions definitely qualifies as one of the greatest things Finn has done (second to banging Santana, of course.)

- “Buying votes is illegal!” “It’s also delicious!” Man, Iqbal is knocking it out of the park tonight.

- Dammit, Kurt. Stop spouting off crackpot theories on how Kennedy won the election. He won because of how easy he was on the eyes.

- And there’s another plot for this week: Kurt considering cheating. Wonderful.

- Meanwhile, in friendship land, Finn is the worst at being supportive.

- Blaine and Kurt get the first song.

- I agree with Santana here. That was the worst thing to have thrust upon me at the beginning of a show, especially with everyone’s happy face.

- It wouldn’t be a Glee opening segment without having Sue setup her plot for the episode. Looks like she’s looking for a piece of man-candy. Vladmir Putin was a nice cameo name in her booty call book, though.

- OH HEY, REMEMBER HOW THANKSGIVING JUST HAPPENED?!? LET’S MAKE SOME TURDUCKEN JOKES BECAUSE THOSE ARE STILL TOPICAL!

- And now Coach Beistie has won best joke of the night (so far) just for that weightlifting cutaway.

- And in your clichéd storytelling moment of the week, Glee went from a scene where Sue goes through her past conquests looking for a boy-toy to use on her campaign, to a scene where Bestie talks about how in love she is with Cooter. Yeah, I wonder where this is going.

- Puck gets the second song, which, while not as bad as the first song, is still somewhat awkward if only for people noticing the looks between Puck and Shelby.

- Bonus fun points in this scene go to Rory looking like the biggest dork, and Sugar and Artie sorta sit-dancing with each other in a somewhat-adorable way.

- First commercial break: Whelp, this is going to be a long episode. I think I’ll use the stray observations to list a few of the rules to the Glee drinking game I am making up.

- For awhile now, Quinn has been the second villain on the show, second only to Sue, and to be honest she was getting kinda stale. That said, I don’t think batshit crazy is really a strong direction for her character to go.

- Also, I know Puck said she is pretty high-maitenance but I would still totally take Quinn up on that offer.

- Things about Finn that don’t make any sense sometimes: He is fighting really hard to make Santana feel comfortable about herself just because he is afraid that she might kill herself, while I guess just assuming that Kurt is fine because he has a steady boyfriend now and life is great at the Hummel residence. His motivation is that he doesn’t want Santana dead because he feels she is uncomfortable with herself, not because he’s the one that secretly outed her. Maybe, just once, I’d like Finn to act like a normal high-schooler and be into his own self-preservation.

- Oh boy, a Finn song. Let me point two things out here: 1) Finn can’t sing. This is an established fact. 2) Finn doesn’t know how to act well enough that it seems like he’s singing. He literally looks like he’s just speaking the words. Look at every other guy in that scene, they look like they’re singing. Finn looks like he’s just talking .

- And somehow that still managed to be a pretty powerful scene, mostly in spite of Finn’s singing.

- Again, bonus fun points going to Sugar for her surprise hug on Mercedes at the end of the scene. Sugar is quietly putting on the kind of performance that made Brittany so endearing in the first season.

- Hey, you know what is a fun joke? How much Coach Beistie loves chicken.

- Aww, time to feel bad for Coach. Well, actually I don’t. Most human beings don’t act the way she does.

- Second commercial: Glee has this bad idea of how pacing should work. This commercial break should have come right after Finn’s song, not after a second scene furthering the Beistie/Cooter/Sue love triangle thing that no one is watching this show for. Why couldn’t Sue just stick with coaching the Cheerios and trying to be the biggest thing at the school?

- Oh hey, back to that Kurt for president storyline that should probably be way more important but is for some reason hidden behind Sue and Beiste. Not like this storyline has been building for the entire season or anything.

- Glee makes a good sight-gag joke about how few people attend actual elections, but cmon. It’s almost December. That joke is maybe topical in early November, but not this close to Christmas. Although it does fuel my idea that the producers of Glee had no idea they’d be pushed off the air for baseball, despite the fact that it happens EVERY SINGLE YEAR.

- Man, did someone decide MIKE CHANG doesn’t get any lines this week? Because that is a crying shame.

- Also good gag by Puck writing in Ross Perot.

- Oh lordy, Beiste is singing. I have a soft spot in my heart for Dolly Parton (I honestly have no idea why, either) but they managed to turn this a bit creepy, with having Beiste stalk Sue for almost the entirety of the song.

- So I guess suddenly it is weird for Santana to have people stare at her. I guess she forgot that, despite being a lesbian, she is still insanely hot for some reason.

- Ok, Sugar is seriously on fire with the little things she is doing in this episode. I also don’t know why, but I am finding myself more attracted to her as weeks go on, and I watched Stick It.

- I want to see Rory just completely flabbergasted more often. I feel like this is a thing that should be happening more often considering he is from Ireland and all, and this stuff should be completely new to him.

- I also want a cameo from Sheamus as his older brother. This seems like such a good idea in my head, make it happen Ryan Murphy.

- Kurt gets called to Figgins office as we head to the third commercial: I feel like this episode got stronger thanks to that last segment, which means I’ll probably be disappointed by the upcoming segment.

- So someone actually did stuff the ballot box, although it wasn’t Kurt. WHOOPS GUESS IT WAS RACHEL WHO KNEW?!? No but seriously Rachel should never come up with a plan by herself.

- Puck actually knows math, someone call the doctor. Also like the fact that Puck can just answer his phone in class.

- Oh man, I guess the Shelby/Puck thing was just consummated. I think Skins did this storyline, but I enjoyed it way more then.

- Actually, I just enjoyed Skins. That is a good show, even season 5. THAT’S RIGHT, I’M ACKNOWLEDGING YOU, SEASON 5 OF SKINS!

- Fourth commercial: Well, that was a short segment, but it proves my point from earlier where they could rearrange the commercials so that they cut to commercial at a better time. Also this commercial break featured a super-attractive girl in a Ben Bridge commercial, and the T Mobile girl. Pretty great.

- Wicked is going to be in LA RIGHT NOW. I highly recommend you go see it; hell, I may even go see it a couple more times while it’s here. The best part of the season 2 finale of Glee for me was Kurt and Rachel singing “For Good” while at the Gershwin theater, because I saw Wicked there and just became caught up in the whole thing.

- Wait, I was supposed to be talking about Glee, wasn’t I?

- Abuelita is not going to take this news very well. She does remind me of Greek women, though; always trying to get people to eat while they talk to you.

- To make another parallel to Skins here (the American version this time), they had a lesbian, and it turned out her grandmother was a closet lesbian. Glee’s version was much worse, although totally made sense.

- And now it’s sexytime for Quinn and Puck. Crazy Quinn wants to get preggers again. Seriously crazy Quinn is crazy. And it is getting hotter and hotter.

- Hey, remember how Quinn is trying to get her baby back? Yeah, probably shouldn’t be telling her that the teacher who is taking care of her now is having an affair with a student, now, should we.

- Fifth commercial: another short segment. Seriously, the first segment lasted around 20 minutes, could you spread out the commercials a little better next time, Glee?

- “How bad was it?” “Dukakis bad.” None of Glee’s core audience will get that joke, but Glee throws in these little lines meant to appease its older viewers, and they always seem to work.

- And now for the confrontation that nobody wanted. And Sue’s line about Becky was surprisingly sweet.

- HORRAY FOR LEARNING ABOUT EACH OTHER!

- Santana finishes us off with a k.d. lang song. Nice touch there.

- Shelby joins in for a bit. Damn I love Idina Medzel. Glee does an amazing job with its guest stars.

- Oh, and Kurt’s dad won the election. Now lets watch the closing montage of Kurt sending his pretty lackluster NYADA application in, Rachel sad because she totes just got suspended, and Shelby looking ashamed with herself.

- Next week: HOW WILL NEW DIRECTIONS MANAGE TO WIN SECTIONALS WITHOUT RACHEL? ALSO SAM IS BACK HELL YES!

Stray Observations
- Your song list for the first episode is (with the best song in bold): “Perfect” by Pink, “I’m the Only One” by Melissa Etheridge, “Girls Just Want to Have Fun” by Cyndi Lauper (Greg Laswell version), “Jolene” by Dolly Parton, “I Kissed a Girl” by Katy Perry, and “Constant Craving” by k.d. lang.
- Your best-dressed award for episode one (or as I like to call it, the “Which Girl Looked the Hottest” award) went to crazy Quinn. Normal Quinn is losing her luster, but when she flips the switch to full-on crazy mode, watch out.
- Your Real-Life Does Not Apply to the Gleeverse Moment of the Week: So we have the school president election (which is essentially a popularity contest) come down to two people from the least popular group in school. Granted one of them is the extremely attractive Brittany but still.
- Song breaks out: take a drink.
- Finn leads a song: finish your drink.
- Someone gives a friendship speech: two drinks.
- Sudden tone shift occurs i.e. sad scene to happy scene: take three drinks.
- People kiss: one drink.
- People kiss who you didn’t see kissing earlier but Glee made it so: finish your drink.
- New Girl looks like a better show than what you are currently watching: two drinks.

The 411: I figured I’d try this format for a week in an attempt to help me get through Glee. I actually paused the show a few times instead. Eventually the writers on this show will be forced to step up their game and produce the same quality we saw in season one and flashes of in season 2, but we’re heading into the first big milestone of the year and I just don’t give a damn whether New Directions makes it past. And maybe that’s because we saw them at Nationals last year, so it’s basically a foregone conclusion that they’ll advance, but man what a novel concept it would be to have the TroubleTones win instead. It won’t happen, New Directions will win thanks to Finn for some reason, and the TroubleTones will rejoin the club; gotta maintain that status quo.

Final Score:  5.0   [ Not So Good ]