The Blu-Ray Dissection: Conan the Barbarian (3D+Blu-Ray+DVD+Digital Copy)

Posted by Chad Webb on 12.15.2011

The 2011 reboot of our favorite barbarian has hit Blu-Ray. Looks the finest picture and sound still couldn't salvage this mess though...

Conan: Jason Momoa
Stephen Lang: Khalar Zym
Rachel Nichols: Tamara
Ron Perlman: Corin
Rose McGowan: Marique
Bob Sapp: Ukafa
Leo Howard: Young Conan
Directed By: Marcus Nispel
Written By: Thomas Dean Donnelly, Joshua Oppenheimer, and Sean Hood
Theatrical Release Date: August 19, 2011
Blu-Ray Release Date: November 22, 2011
Running Time: 113 minutes







Rated R for strong bloody violence, some sexuality and nudity

The Film

Conan the Barbarian is director Marcus Nispel’s finest film to date. Sadly, that does not mean it deserves a recommendation of any kind. In the 1980’s, Conan the Barbarian was quite popular, which included comics, books, and the 1982 films starring Arnold Schwarzenegger. Having grown up during this decade, I always enjoyed Conan, especially of the eventual cartoon series Conan the Adventurer, which was on every day before I went to school. Where all the fans of that? Anyway, the craving for a new installment of the Conan property never hit me because Schwarzenegger ‘s interest in it waned over the years and without him, I didn’t foresee a vast improvement, regardless of how faithful or not the project was to Robert E. Howard. This new rebooted Conan confirms my skepticism as a glazed, middling, and rushed production.

Conan the Barbarian commences with narration from Morgan Freeman, because if anyone can add wisdom and intrigue to your narrative, it is Freeman with his gentle, wise vocal chords. Did he have a clue what he was saying? This is followed by an unintentionally hilarious birth sequence as Ron Perlman's Corin takes a knife and cuts the baby from his wife’s womb during battle. That baby is named Conan, right before his mother dies. Conan (Leo Howard) and his father live in Cimmeria, and it turns out the apple did not fall far from the tree as Conan is shaping up to be a fine young warrior. But his father teaches him some valuable lessons, thankfully before he is killed by Khalar Zym (Stephen Lang) and his band of raiders. They have stormed through villages looking for pieces of an ancient mask that have been hidden and scattered. Conan watches as his father is tortured, and must fend for himself afterwards. His village has been decimated and he is alone. 15 years later, Khalar and his daughter Marique (Rose McGowan) are searching for a “pure blood” woman. The mask and the woman’s sacrifice will result in Khalar’s wife, a dead sorceress, being resurrected. Meanwhile, Conan has been hunting his father’s murderer all these years. When he finds him, Conan (Jason Momoa) does not defeat Khalar right away, but does end up with Tamara (Rachel Nichols), the young lady Khalar requires to carry out his deeds.

One of the major problems with this Conan re-imagining can be attributed to most of the sword and sandal epics in recent memory. If they’re not just flat-out awful, the hero is not chosen because of his similarities to the character or his acting skills. More often than not, studios opt for a guy who is good-looking like a modern celebrity, chiseled out of stone, bronzed, and sporting the trademark smarmy grin for the camera. All due respect to Jason Momoa, who was fantastic as Khal Drogo in Game of Thrones, Nispel and company extract all the edge and naturalism from his performance or the proceedings. As comparisons to Schwarzenegger are inevitable, that portrayal was brutal, dirty, and unassuming. Momoa comes off as a manufactured avenger, whose ability to romance the main female and afford nifty poses while wielding a sword are the central goal. Schwarzenegger’s career was launched into the stratosphere after he starred as Conan. The same will not happen for Momoa, who is unfortunately just unremarkable, taking a backseat to Nispel’s thirst for computer generated blood and sliced limbs.

It has become almost obligatory that Ron Perlman be involved in any period piece, fictional or otherwise, where swords, horses, fur clothing and beards are essential to the action. My hat is off to Mr. Clay Morrow because he makes the best of a bad predicament. Unfortunately, Conan the Barbarian falls victim to one of my all-time movie pet peeves, which is a child that can do things normal children cannot. Leo Howard goes above and beyond the call of duty as young Conan, displaying his best scowl and ruthless instinct for a skinny kid. In a coming-of-age contest where aspiring warriors must ascend a mountain and keep an egg in tact, Conan accomplishes this even though he is not yet of age, and manages to decapitate an unplanned onslaught of villains by himself. And the egg was unbroken. We get it, he got game. Stephen Lang is run-of-the-mill as Khalar Zym, who, like most of the cast, simply goes through the motions. Rose McGowan is a smidgen over the top as his daughter Marique, who is akin to a human metal detector. She located the pieces of the mask, so why torture people then? For good measure I suppose. Rachel Nichols is forgettable and barely utilized as Tamara, the eye candy love interest. Was it too much to ask that the cast be invested in this universe, convey some emotion?

The screenplay from Thomas Dean Donnelly, Joshua Oppenheimer, and Sean Hood has similar elements and structure to the 1982 original, but this isn’t a remake, it’s a “new adaptation.” Don’t get me started on that bizarre reasoning. Whatever you want to call this, it is unlikely that this was the tale Howard purists were waiting for. With any fantasy film or book, viewers need to be able to lose themselves in the universe, and this Conan has no concept of what that means. The only occasions that rouse our spirits are the action sequences, which might jolt us awake from a catatonic state, but are outlandish in every conceivable manner. Nispel’s B-grade team employs as many embellished sound effects as possible. As this is not a martial arts movie, the tactic is only effective on the surface. The chaotic choreography is fine, but not novel, and can be found in any number of superior, competent efforts. The script also contains horribly cheesy lines like this: "I live. I love. I slay. I am content."

Nispel confirms that he knows how to shoot a movie in daylight, but the amount of polished CGI creates not a detailed Hyboria, but one lacking emotion and saturated with artificiality. CGI is not nearly as mind-blowing to behold as filmmakers want us to believe. The director’s scope feels limited, patched together, and contrived. It is impossible for the characters, and by extension the audience, to become immersed in this world because it was built for show more than depth, faithfulness, or imagination. If the absence of emotional attachment was enough to bury this version, Nispel’s hurried pacing adds to that. Wasting too much time with window dressing and desperate attempts to develop the lame romance, by the time the final confrontation is upon us, we could care less.

Conan the Barbarian operates under the mindset that if the film is marketed with the guise of being a re-whatever, it will therefore be perceived as good because of what other franchises have accomplished. How hard is it to make a solid Conan film, really? Apparently it’s not a walk in the park. Director Marcus Nispel has yet to exhibit why he is ever selected to head cinematic projects. His fourth feature offering has absolutely no passion or grit whatsoever. This is a sloppy and gaudy concoction that required a healthy does of humor and heart to even be tolerable. Icing on the cake to the cheap looking design is the 3D post-production conversion, which is no better or worse than the rest, but a distraction on top of an already shoddy film is adding insult to injury.

The Video

I spent a paragraph or so criticizing the visual style of Conan, especially the “like it or else” CGI, so that has to come into play a little for the video quality. That being said, in terms of defects, this presentation looks great, as most Blu-Ray releases do. The colors are far from natural, which will be evident to just about anyone, but I can’t complain about the skin tones much except for Momoa’s tanning. The sandy, dusty appearance is intentional, though it does get a bit tiresome to the eyes, but the colors do not bleed, and the black levels are sufficiently deep. Since buckets of blood are spilled here, that didn’t seem too fake. I did not notice any issues with compression artifacting or edge enhancement, and the effects did measure up to close scrutiny. Again, the whole visual package is too slick and shiny. This has an aspect ratio of 2.40:1 and overall the AVC encoded 1080p high definition transfer is satisfactory, perhaps great if you enjoyed the movie more than I.

The Audio

In the sound department, you’re getting a spectacular disc, as Conan offers metal clanks, sliced body parts, crashes, thuds, and Tyler Bates’ blandly sweeping score. This will give your speakers a workout. This is an action geared fantasy epic that is all about the action, so you won’t be disappointed in that respect. The bass performance is solid, and the balance between the action and drama is excellent. The dialogue is lucid and totally understandable throughout, and I never had to adjust my volume knob. The English language DTS-HD 7.1 Master Audio mix is one of the more worthwhile facets of this release. They do not provide any alternate language options, which might be annoying for some, but there are subtitles in English and Spanish.

The Packaging

The Blu-Ray combo pack release of Conan the Barbarian is distributed in a regular slimline blue keep case which houses two discs. The cover artwork is pretty basic with Conan wielding a sword. The animated menus are easy to navigate. Inside the case is a sheet of paper with a code enabling the buyer to activate the digital copy, which only works with iTunes.

The Extras

Audio Commentary - There are two tracks here. The first one is director Marcus Nispel on his own, and on top of the numerous dead spots during his commentary, which will turn off many people right off the bat, he does hot convey a lot of enthusiasm when he does speak. He touches on many standard points for directors such as the pre-production process, why the cast members were selected, and so forth. He also mentions that he wanted to honor Robert E. Howard's material. Ummm.

The second track is with stars Jason Momoa and Rose McGowan, both of who are exceedingly happier to be recording a commentary track. They have a blast discussing scenes they were or were not in together, stunts, the story, working with Nispel, and more. This is the one I recommend.

The Conan Legacy - This gives you a background on Conan's history and then illustrates how that impacted this adaptation of the character. Various members of the cast and crew are interviewed, such as Marcus Nispel, who is evidently a fan of Robert E. Howard, but it's just a shame his thoughts weren't consistent with the final cut. Other people interviewed add on to the basic theme of this featurette, which is striving to honor the source material.

Robert E. Howard: The Man Who Would Be Conan - This is probably the best aspect of this disc if you're not counting the technical specifications. This is exactly what it appears to be, a featurette on the life of Howard and the legendary character he created. Unfortunately this is very short. Hopefully this sparks interest in someone to make a documentary on him in the future.

Battle Royal: Engineering the Action - The last two extras kind of go together. This particular one covers the action sequences and how the crew managed to choreograph and shoot them. Pretty standard fare here, not unlike other bonus features you'd see on action oriented films.

Staging the Fights - This goes in depth, at least for a few minutes, in displaying the rehearsals that take place to build the fight sequences. Again, fairly straightforward, and these bonuses will be really intriguing or vapid depending on how much you enjoyed the flick.

To cap off the package, we get a trailer for Conan the Barbarian, along with trailers for other Lionsgate titles, you know, that stuff you skip when you insert the disc. This Blu-Ray package comes with the 3D version of the film and the 2D. Since I do not have a 3D television, I did not review this package watching that version. However, I did see the film in 3D in the theater and was indifferent to the 3D aspects.

The Film: 4.0/10.0
The Video: 8.5/10.0
The Audio: 9.0/10.0
The Packaging: 9.0/10.0
The Extras: 8.0/10.0

The 411: Conan the Barbarian's journey to the screen was not an easy one. The process started as another sequel to Arnold Schwarzenegger's series, but that fell through when he became Governor of California. After that, plans to reboot the property began, but it was a bumpy road with plenty of cast and director changes along the way. Eventually we ended up with horror remake man Marcus Nispel at the helm and Jason Momoa as the lead. Momoa had good intentions, and he may look the role, but as Ryan Reynolds proved with Green Lantern, just because you look like the character doesn't mean you're suitable for the part. I did not like this version. The cast was not engaging or interesting to watch, the direction was drenched in CGI to the point of exhaustion, and the pacing is rushed and clumsy. Sure the action contains oodles of carnage, but I don't need Mr. Nispel to get that fix. Fans of Robert E. Howard's books, or merely fans of the original films, deserve better than this woefully underwhelming reboot. The Blu-Ray on the other hand has top-notch audio and video quality, not to mention some juicy extras, but that isn’t enough reason to buy this by any stretch of the imagination.

Final Score:  5.5   [ Not So Good ]