VIOLENT PANDA Monday Night Review 04.10.06
Posted by Peter Kent on 04.10.2006
NSFW! Lita's interior breast! HHH sells! AJ vs. Abyss! Colt Cabana in the WWE!
VIOLENT PANDA Wrestling Review
Mickie! This weird old porn spread she did is actually sort of in line with her gimmick.
411's OWN Steve Cook mentioned in a news report that I dwell quite a bit on crowd reactions. I do that because I think that is what wrestling is about - the wrestlers' job is to get a reaction. So it's gotten to the point where I tend to tune out the announcers and try to listen to the crowd and see what's going on. They decide almost everything. Vince tries his best to get the crowd to react according to his plans, but the bottom line is if they want to boo a "face" (Cena) or cheer a "heel" (Mickie), well, the E will have to adjust one way or the other.
I saw Walk the Line yesterday, the film about Johnny Cash. I really like how they portrayed Johnny - he was certainly not perfect but they gave great insight into his insecurities. A very emotional film. I don't think I've ever enjoyed Cash's music, but I thoroughly enjoyed every performance (and there were many throughout the film). There's a song or two where Reese and Joaquim do a duet, and their chemistry is off the charts. Good movie!
Stacy's still in the intro despite her stating in interviews that she is done with the WWE as of July. They could have used her at WM to put somebody over, at least. Stacy vs. Candice in the pillow fight thing, maybe?
Here comes Edge and Lita to start the show. Lita's exposed interior side boob is spectacular. The graphics for Backlash are weird, like cut-outs of grainy magazine photos. Edge is in the ring and has a microphone. Mention of Cena's name gets 60% cheers.
Cena's music hits. Big squeals for his entrance. Sign: "Cuck Fena" hahaha. Big mixed reaction, more positive than negative. Cena teases Lita and she plays it off perfectly. They gotta use her more. Boos get louder as Cena busts on Edge. Edge says the problem with John is that he cares what everyone thinks. Awesome. "Unless they're over the age of 7 - they can't stand you". Hahaha. Edge is on a roll lately. Cena says the people know him too well. They remember what he was. There's people out there who want to see a whole different side of him. Black, ruthless, evil, pompous - "been there, done that". Cena says if he goes that route, he'd end up just like Edge. And quite frankly.. CENSORED.
Hahaha Cena says he'd probably get a big head and if he had had everyone told him how great he was, he'd end up like HHH. This stuff is freaking great. HHH's music hits. Quite a few fans on the camera side actually bow down. It'll be awesome if they can get a whole arena doing that. HHH hits the ring and tells Cena noone will ever confuse them. Big "You tapped out" chant. HHH says he has their respect, big roar for that.
Cena calls HHH a kiss ass, and Edge an "asshole" (bleeped). Man, HHH is shrinking. Cena is bigger than him.
You think this will end up as the feud of the year? This has got to be the best-executed three way feud I've ever seen. HHH calls Foley one of those turds that won't go way - no matter how much you flush the toilet, he always seems to surface. HHH calls Vince "the old man". Wow, they're starting to acknowledge HHH's real life status in the company. HHH says he'll be partnering with Cena against Edge. Huh? Another handicap match. Come on, add a partner. Edge leaves. HHH wants a handshake from Cena. Cena walks in and bitchslaps HHH. Hahahha!
This Raw was already worth seeing. Great stuff! HHH actually letting other guys get over on him just makes it all work.
During the commercial, HHH punched out Rob Conway.
RVD vs. Rob Conway:
- RVD could use the MITB briefcase as a replacement for his chair spots. Shelton Benjamin comes down to ringside. Shelton joins the announcers.
- Rob rolls out his spots and hits and awesome, long frog splash for a sweet win.
Finally a decent RVD showcase match!
RVD is informed by an interviewer as he is leaving that Shelton wants a shot at the money in the bank contract at Backlash. Rob says that there's no way he'll do that. Rob says he wants Shelton to put up the IC and closes with a confusing statement about having both belts.
Maria is in the back with Mickie!! She says out of all her Wrestlemanias, this has been the greatest. She says she can't wait to go to her home in Toronto heh heh. Maria informs Mickie that she's not from Toronto - Trish is. Mickie is irritated by this and decides to offer Maria a title shot tonight. So Mickie is facing a very cheer-able Maria. This Milwaukee crowd isn't as "defiant" as the crowds of the past few weeks. It should be interesting to see how the live fans sort this one out.
Some interviewer guy is in the back with the star of See No Evil, Kane. We see a clip of the film. It looks like, well, a horror movie. When we come back, the interviewer says Kane has left. Huh?
Tag Title Match - Big Show & Kane vs. the Spirit Squad(c):
- STILL no reaction to the Squad's entrance.
- Supposedly Coach is much more into his side work calling college sports than he is doing wrestling. Someone over him a college gig. PLEASE.
- In the back, ohhh come on. Kane hears voices. And we hear voices. The voices say stuff will happen on May 19th. WE hear the voices. And thus it is severely stupid. Commercial break. Silent Hill - now that's a horror movie I'll probably go see. I love those games.
- Show throws two chops in about a minute and a half. And that's all that happens.
- We get a nice close-up of Show's handprint on the squad guy's chest. STIFFNESS!~
- Squad guy goes for a weak shiranui but Kane turns it into a suplex. Show tells a squad guy: "I've dated bigger women than you".
- Show chucks a squad guy out of the ring onto the rest of the cheerleaders. He game-ly screams like a little girl. Again, the gimmick is awful, but the guys seem like they have a lot to offer.
- Another commercial. This is getting way, wayyyy too much time. Show & Kane are dominating, and that's not good because their offense is so freaking slow.
- This show feels like it's dragging now. How is it only 9:53 EST?
- Squad guy hits a nice twisting jumpkick. Dull antics last another few minutes, and then Kane starts throwing chairs into the ring and the ref calls the bell. All that time for THAT. Kane chokeslams the ref.
- Show tries to talk him down. You'd think he'd be a little upset about Kane costing him a shot at the tag belts. But he's not. Huh. It's like they're worthless or something.
- Kane slaps Show in the face. Kane ends up chokeslamming Show.
Really dull match that went wayyy too long. I like that they're giving Kane an edge, but I don't like the supernatural hocus pocus trash they're throwing in there with it. Show quivers his face as per WWE rules.
Winner: Squad by DQ
Earlier today, Vince was in a church. And then we cut to commercials.
Interviewer guy is in the back with John Cena. John says he'll make either of them tap out. Ang-gull!
Vince is in a church. Vince is looking for HBK's tag partner (God). Vince plays up an ignorance of the religion for alleged laughs. What do you do with the holy water? Drink it? Wait, he does HHH's water spit. Haha that was pretty awesome. Vince says while God created Adam and Eve, he created Austin and Hulk Hogan. Uhhh... Fans start giving this the "What?" treatment as it drags on. Vince says blessed be the name of Backlash, and we hear a lightning sound effect. Ugh.
Back from commercial. Armando Estrada is in the ring, getting all cartoon-y and veiny. He introduces Jamal. Umaga is beating on... COLT CABANA?!?!
Umaga vs. Colt Cabana:
- THIS is how backwards the WWE is. Colt Cabana, probably one of the indy guys who could find the most success in the WWE, is cast as a jobber while FUCKING JAMAL is booked over him as a monster.
- He chokes out Colt (like some other Samoan out there).
A squash. Shockingly, Umaga's tired and uninspired gimmick gets zero reaction as he poses in the ring. What a joke.
Carlito is in the ring. He says he got rid of the dead weight. Masters comes out. Is Masters exempt from the drug policy? They have a very un-inspired verbal exchange. Carlito wants a Masterlock challenge right now. Heh, it'd have been funny for Carlito to be the one who applied it. Carlito sits down, apple in hand. He tosses it in the air, and Masters catches it. As Masters turns to toss it out of the ring, Carlito hits him with a nasty chairshot. They should play up Masters as really dumb and easily fooled, heh heh. I mean, moreso.
Next week Chavo will have an interview with JR. Yay.
Women's Title Match - Maria vs. Mickie James(c):
- Joey is starting to grow on me. Coach has really eased up this week.
- Wow.. Maria looks great in all black. Commercials.. aw.
- The announcers shill some delicious Subway sandwiches. Coach takes Joey's sandwich. Joey: "You guys suck. I hate working with you" haha.
- Maria tries a couple awkward roll-ups and they both do a lot of kicking. Mickie is totally in the zone out there. She wins it with a kick.
Not much heat, no much action. They need more women who can WRESTLE. There's tons of them out there...
Winner: Mickie James
After.. Trish runs in. Dressed as Mickie! Hahaha. Trish is messing with Mickie's mind, now, telling her she's her number one fan. Trish ends it with a kiss/headbutt that has Mickie baffled.
Neat twist. Maybe a little too much, too soon, now? While I don't mind Mickie now acting like Trish, she's kind of losing her own persona - which is what got her over to start with.
Edge vs. John Cena & HHH:
- IS TIME TO PLAY DEHR GAME! HOO HOO HER HUH HUH! HHH Comes out first? Huh.
- Cena gets mostly cheers.
- I'd like to see Edge pin HHH in this one. Just to show us that anyone could win this feud.
- "Cena sucks" chant. Medium-sized.
- ECW lives as a bit of a "she's a crack whore" chant is audible.
- Lita distracts HHH by leaning forward. HHH has this funny look on his face and makes a "squash your boobs together" hand motion hahha.
- Edge and HHH have a boring segment, then Cena gets the hot tag to half-boos. I love the elaborate set-up to the five knuckle shuffle. Cena brings his arm all the way around from his back to Edge's face on the way down. HHH insists on a pedigree, so John hits him with an FU and then cinches in the STFU on Edge, who taps.
Dull match. Crowd died a bit as the show progressed. So has the WWE finally found someone they're willing to push over HHH in Cena, or is this all a set-up for AITCH to get even with a win?
Winner: John Cena & HHH
Overall: They say that Vince only cares about the main event feuds, and that definitely looks like the case here. Outside of Cena/HHH/Edge, this was pretty bad with a few exceptions. A TWO out of FIVE.
Christian's wife! Boing.
TNA Impact (replay)
We see a video of how last week, Abyss attacked Christian at his home.
So is Monty Brown done? He had a run up top and it didn't go so well. Couple that with the fact that TNA's roster is LOADED, and it makes me wonder where the Alpha Male can go from here.
Abyss vs. AJ Styles:
- All right! This should be good.
- The crowd immediately breaks out a "Christian" chant, which morphs into an "AJ" chant.
- They start off with a fantastic back and forth sequence, but unfortunately the announcers launch into the pimping of the new Thursday night timeslot. There's gotta be some other time on the show to talk about that.
- AJ comes off the ropes and actually jumps and for a brief moment stands on Abyss' shoulders! And then floats down into a rana. Styles... wow.
- Abyss teases gorilla pressing AJ to the floor (and AJ is crazy enough to take that, I'd bet) but AJ escapes. Styles ends up in a chokeslam, but takes a page from the book of Ohtani and bites Abyss' hand.
- Abyss puts AJ in the corner and gives him one of the STIFFEST CHOPS IN TNA HISTORY! Again, Tenay starts talking about Sting while this is going on.
- We cut to commercial. When back, AJ does a sweet counter into an enziguri kick. He wasn't able to get that cracking sound, but it still looked great. He follows up with a sweet spinning headscissors. I appreciate that TNA is not pumping in crowd noise here. The crowd is into the match, but not screaming. I prefer the real noise even if the crowd is quiet.. the canned heat gives the show a real cheesy feel somehow, partly because it is so obvious at times.
- It's interesting that out of AJ's arsenal of difficult, intricate moves, his leaping forearm gets one of the strongest and consistently good reactions.
- Don West talks about ring awareness! It's been fun watching West develop as a commentator. I know a lot of you guys hate him, but wouldn't you say he's at least gotten a bit better over the years?
- Mitchell is able to slip in a cheap shot, and here come the THUMBTACKS! We cut to outside the arena..? Christian pulls up and he's got a pipe in hand. We cut back to the ring and Chrstian must have a teleporter, heh heh. He attacks Abyss in the ring.
- Abyss runs away. Kind of weird that they'd have the face run in right when the crowd-pleasing thumbtacks come into play. Not to mention the fact that Christian interrupted what was a really good match. But no big deal.
GREAT TV match! AJ and Abyss have awesome chemistry. Those two together are gold.
We cut to the announce table and Don West is wearing a peaches and cream colored silk shirt and tie. Christian grabs a house mic off the table and speaks. He says at lockdown that he hopes Abyss is ready to die. Christian has some great intensity here, but I'm just not sure if I can buy him as a fiery babyface. He doesn't have that Kerry Von Erich kind of babyface electricity.
In the back, BORSH is with Team 3D. Jeremy has apparently had a severe mishap with his tan in a can. It must have exploded in his face. Bubba Ray talks about how Canada is a country of pansies and that unlike America, they mean nothing to the rest of the world. Heh heh. Poor Canada. Is Team 3D a draw? TNA spends an awful lot of time on this 3D/Canada feud every week. Me, I wouldn't mind if both 3D and Team Canada were released. Except Eric Young.
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Arm Wrestling Match - Konnan vs. Bob Armstrong:
- We could be watching Homicide maul somebody right now. Instead he's watching a 66 year old man in an arm wrestling match. The announcers talk up Armstrong's physique and yes, he looks like he's in great shape. But when you compare him to the steroid-pumped 61 year old Vince McMahon, it's very underwhelming.
- OVER THE TOP! Konnan's gonna need to adjust his grip if he wants to win this thing, as well as the heart of his son.
- Before a winner can be decided, "Hernandez" (they do not call him "Hotstuff") slides in and hits Armstrong with the LAX weapon of choice, the slapjack.
Dated, lame concepts like this are really holding TNA back, IMO. An arm wrestling match alone is bad enough, but then to have one of the participants be an old guy is worse... and then to make it look like Konnan's about to lose to him makes it ridiculous.
Winner: mmm... slapjacks.
Zbysko's in the back with Oompa Lumpa BORSH. The Z-Man hypes up the World X Cup. Then he announces that Daniels will be facing LIGAHHHHH at the PPV! Are they trying to force me to buy this thing? I think they just did! And if it's BLACK LIGER~! then the roof of my house will cave in! The bald ref begs for a job again. This angle is like Raven's girlfriend, Earl Hebner and all that other stuff that never went anywhere. Waste of precious airtime.
Elix Skipper & David Young vs. Shark Boy & Norman Smiley:
- Scott Steiner's music hits just as this is about to get underway. Jarrett heads over to the announce table while AMW and mesh head mush mouth hit the ring and attack everybody.
- Now see, Jarrett in a tag team. I'd be fine with that. Let the show revolve around Christian, and let JJ team with somebody like Monty and be part of the four team mix.
- Big Poppa tosses Shark Boy over the ropes, and poor SB lands right on his back. That definitely knocked the wind out of him.
- Steiner singles out Norman Smiley and destroys him with suplexes (including at least one belly to belly). JJ tells the announcer they sound like "auctioneers" on 2 separate occasions..?
- Steiner locks in a camel clutch and Smiley sells it like he's smelling a fart.
- Jarrett says that Steiner has the "largest arms and the shortest fuse" three times in a minute. Meanwhile, Jeff Jarrett is coked up and played out.
I'd have preferred to see Steiner go solo and destroy two guys who just had a singles match. Steiner's offense looked good here. But supposedly his knees are so shot that he doesn't lean over to pick stuff up if he can avoid it. You could see that he barely bent his knees when he had Smiley in the recliner.
Winner: nobody again!
Night of the non-finishes, I guess. Why'd they clump them all together on one show like this?
Alex Shelley vs. Roderick Strong vs. Chase Stevens:
- Alex Shelley's name would give Elmer Fudd a lot of trouble.
- Strong & Shelley team up, hitting a cool series - an assisted back senton, a Strong standing moonsault (I had no idea Strong could do that!) and cap it off with a Shelley springboard moonsault.
- Chase's rally is pretty lame. Punches and a crossbody. Shelley is on the losing end of the body press/dropkick spot that we saw 3 times at Wrestlemania.
- Strong hits a beautiful leaping big boot. Gets two.
- Tenay starts talking about other stuff. They're actually going to have a REMATCH of the ARM WRESTLING MATCH at the PPV. Geez.
- Shelley finally turns on Strong and hits the shiranui for the win.
Pretty good match. Chase's repertoire is pretty basic, not really X Division kind of stuff. Strong should grow a beard or something. He looks too bland. He's not doing so many backbreakers anymore, which is too bad. He's good. Roderick is a good wrestler, but he needs some FLAVOR. A hot valet sounds like a start. I heard Dawn Marie has an open invitation to TNA once she recovers from her pregnancy. Or we could ship in us some Talia!
The lights go out and here comes Sting. Now it sounds like there's some fake crowd noise going. As Sting talks in the ring, the lighting effects keep flashing. Sting talks about the War Games-esque match at the PPV. He makes a vague comment about one of his yet-to-be-announced partners and some of the fans chant "Goldberg". Here comes QUADS! With AMW and Steiner. All the TNA babyfaces come out and JJJJ's boys back down.
Pretty anticlimactic finish, there.
Overall: I liked this show. AJ vs. Abyss automatically makes this a THREE out of FIVE.
Andy Clark wrote an awesome detailed account of his trip to Wrestlemania. He even hit up one of the Ring of Honor shows.. It sounds like the guest-starring Dragon Gate wrestlers stole the show! The Shimmy
Cheap Wrestling for Cheap People reviewed my beloved CHIKARA Pro's Tag World Grand Prix Night One DVD. He seems stingy with his star ratings, but I guess I'd rather see someone shoot a little low than throw around 4 stars like they're panties at a Tom Jones concert. Tom Jones. He was a singer. Mars Attacks..? You damned kids and your Mandisas! Read it here
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