The Happy Critic DVD Review: Tales from the Crypt – The Complete 2nd Season
Posted by Ryan Latimer on 07.13.2006
Better really f’n late than never…
I promised both myself and my readers I would review the missing piece in the Crypt puzzle what feels like a lifetime ago (and probably was), as I initially did the good deed and churned out the proper article on the release of “Tales from the Crypt” Season One in July 2005 and neglected to do the follow up once the 2nd season came out later in the year. Once season three came out in March of this year I had no trouble buying it up and getting a review posted in due time, totally forgetting that I still hadn’t done the previous season yet, creating quite an odd (and unprofessional to boot, but who cares) image to readers when they searched my archives for past reviews and saw the middle man MIA.
Now, with the awesome season four coming out later in the month, I figured enough is enough with the laziness and procrastination and I should just get the job done. I expect presents.
The second season was the first “full” season for the show, and boy did it ever have a reputation to follow. The first season was short (six episodes) but pure dynamite, and the follow-up season certainly needed to deliver the goods or risk being labeled a fluke by horror fans and likely suffer a quick and painful death. When you’re a television series on a premium channel, you had better know what you’re doing right off the bat. Luckily, they came out swinging.
The Episodes
Season two premiered April 21, 1990, and lasted 18 episodes, loaded on three discs. I’ll go with the Best 10 Rule here, as it’s already established that I love the show dearly and I don’t need to review the whole darn package just to prove my loyalty anymore. That, and while the season as a whole is very good and worth every penny, not each individual episode is a blockbuster and worthy of a long essay on how it “changed the television world” or anything.
For those asking, no, this box set is one that doesn’t feature the famed intro for each episode. But unlike the first season set that did the same thing, this one doesn’t even have the intro as a background for the main menu, almost as if they were deliberately giving the finger to the fans who complained about it when the first set came out. In an earlier review I blasted the complainers who made such a big deal about the whole thing, but upon further review I’d have to agree that the whining may have been justified. It just isn’t the same without it. Luckily, they restored the opening for the third set.
Warning: minor spoilers may apply, although I’ve always been good and telling people what happens without, you know, telling people what happens. I’d say you’re safe for the most part.
-Dead Right(original air date 4/21/90): Right off the bat we get Demi Moore for the first celebrity guest star for the season. Sure, she wasn’t the mega celeb in 1990 that she is now, but still. Gold-digging waitress Cathy (Moore) goes to a fortune teller and gets some interesting news: an unsightly, slovenly man will hit on her at the bar, marry her, become rich and kick the bucket, leaving a fortune (pun completely intended) to her in the end. One problem: the first parts of the teller’s story are true, but this guy gives Cathy a new meaning to the word “repulsive.” I mean, wow. Can Cathy suffer through the torture long enough to collect the money? And even if she can, is the teller even correct? The ever reliable Jeffery Tambor plays Charlie Marno, our beloved behemoth, and may I say he did quite the job of grossing me out. In the end, the teller ends up to be right – sort of, and the karma bitch of the Tales from the Crypt world is in full force for Kathy for being such a shallow, money-grubbing whore bag, but it ends up taking Charlie along for the ride as well. All sarcasm aside, this episode used to depress the crap out of me when I was younger, as even though I wasn’t a large kid my any means I really felt for the poor guy; he really was just a harmless, lonely man looking for companionship, and he just happened to run into the worst person imaginable outside of Ana Nicole Smith to fill the void. I know, I know, it’s all fictional characters. But really, sad sh** here.
-The Switch(original air date 4/21/90): Arnold Schwarzenegger makes his directorial debut with “The Switch.” Who knew Arnie could do more than acting woodenly and scarf egg whites? I kid, Arnold. Don’t hurt me. And elderly millionaire (William Hickey, now with credits to both “Tales from the Darkside” and this) goes to a mad plastic surgeon in a bad 80s Transylvania-like castle to transplant his deteriorated face for that of a young bodybuilder’s in order to impress a young woman he lusts for. It costs him a pretty penny and was a success, but turns out she’s just as shallow as Cathy in the previous episode – it’s not enough for her. What a bitch. That should have given the guy a clue right there, but being a lonely, rich white guy can do incredible things to your good judgment. He ends up having even more surgery to impress her, resulting in a complete body swap for the hunky bodybuilder and the old rich man. Oops – turns out he didn’t have a firm understanding of what she wanted in a man afterall. The moral of this episode is simple: communication, communication, communication. It’s a wonderful thing. Arnold making a cameo appearance during the introduction and bitchslapping the Cryptkeeper to make him hit the weights harder is worth the price of admission. “What’s the matta withchoo? You want to keep dat 90lb corpse fer the rest of yer death? KEEP PUMPING!”
-Cutting Cards(original air date 4/21/90): The seasonal trilogy debut ends with a Lance Henriksen episode. And my word, did he ever look young here. Who knew he had brown hair. A hotshot cowboy gambler (Henriksen) comes into town and challenges a rival gambler to a winner-hightails-it-outta-here poker game, cuz that there town ain’t big enuff fer the both of ‘em. With both of them being hardcore gamblers, this only leads to challenges far worse and more dangerous, more specifically a game of Russian Roulette in the parking lot and God knows what else the episode doesn’t show us. The two end up surviving the whole ordeal, somehow, and it’s understood very clearly these two rivals will continue to fight like jealous cheerleaders until one of them is dead. Loss of important body parts concerns them not. Ouch. I wasn’t able to watch the finger chopping scenes until I was much older, and I can still see why. Lance Henriksen rules. “Geeeeeeooooooodamn!!”
-The Thing from the Grave(original air date 5/8/90): Teri Hatcher. Heard of her? Me neither, although I believe she did some kind of Superman TV series in the 90s and some older housewife character more recently. I could be wrong. A model photographer falls one of his clients Stacey (Hatcher), but her abusive boyfriend Bruckner (Miguel Ferrer, best known as the bad guy from “Robocop”) catches on early and disposes of his would-be rival and was nice enough to supply his own grave. Not the brightest idea he had, but you can’t blame him. He had no idea he’s in a TFTC episode. Bruckner decides now would be good a time as any to have his way with his sweet little model girlfriend before she suspects something and breaks it off for good, but the slain photographer rises from his dirt nap -- boy howdy was he PISSED -- and dishes out some dead guy justice as only dead guys can. The story was so simplistic yet so well done, and it remains as one of my favorite episodes of the series. It was one of the first I could remember where they decided to go old school with horror and stick to the basics of the good guy/bad guy/revenge formula and still make it watchable. This was written and directed by Fred Dekker, who wrote and/or directed some of my favorite horror movies, and he doesn’t disappoint here, either.
-For Cryin’ Out Loud(original air date 5/22/90): After years in the business, Marty, a crooked concert promoter, starts to hear voices in his head. He ignores doctor’s orders and stays in the industry, and sooner than later he’s hearing full-blown rants in his noggin (voice by Sam Kinison) while he hatches a plan to swindle funds from an Iggy Pop concert and take off. His banker Ms. Keilbasa (Kathy Segal, Peg from “Married with Children”) becomes wise to the scheme and demands a take of the stolen funds for her silence, so Marty simply introduces her to his friend Mr. Guitar…to her face. Sam the Invisible heckles him to confess to no end after that particular decision, and after people start staring at him while the voice babbles on, he wonders if he isn’t the only one who can hear it. Marty eventually breaks down into confession on stage in the middle of the concert after failing rid his head of the voices by rattling his brain and shoving cotton swabs in his ears, among other tactics. I’ve tried it, Marty. It doesn’t work. Of course, Marty figures out what was really happening after all, and he probably would have gotten away with everything if he had just kept his mouth shut. Really odd stuff, but among one of the many I can recall vividly.
-The Ventriloquist’s Dummy(original air date 6/5/90): Take direction by series producer and all-around awesome filmmaker Richard Donner and a screenplay by a pre-Shawshank Frank Darabont, and what do you get? One of the most remembered and cherished episodes of the show’s 7-year run. If you’ve seen it, you’ll know why. Ventriloquist wannabe Billy Goldman (Bobcat Goldthwait, actually acting down for a change) seeks out his childhood ventriloquist idol Mr. Ingles (Don Rickles, playing about as standard a wackjob he’s used to) for inspiration and perhaps even a nudge in the right direction to pursue his dream career, and who better than the man he looked up to? Billy finds out Ingles isn’t exactly the man he envisioned in his young mind, a far more run-down and bitter counterpart to what he expected. But Billy sucks as a ventriloquist and could use any help he could get, Ingles or not. His partnership with Ingles does allow him to discover the truth behind Ingles’ act: he’s not exactly the master performer Goldman thought he was, getting a little “insider assistance” to keep his career going. Can’t really come up with a clever explanation without giving it all away, so I’ll just say it’s really f***ing creepy and just as disturbing as I remember it. What could be freakier than a show with Bobcat and Don Rickles playing the lead characters? The climax. Eeeeeyuck.
-Korman’s Kalamity(original air date 6/26/90): Jim Korman, a “Tales from the Crypt” comic book artist, despises his cartoon character of a wife and begins having feelings for a young police woman. Oh, and he doesn’t realize that when he angrily draws characters when he’s mad at his wife, they come to life and eat people. Now that’s talent you’re just born with. The two lovers play detective and crack the case, just in time for Madam Prozac to visit her husband and give him guff. But guff always seems to come back to the guffer. Funny story here: This one actually used to scare me when I was a kid, and I believed for the longest time that it was indeed as scary as I remembered it due to it not being re-run hardly at all or available on any of the VHS tapes they released in the mid-to-late 90s. Well, a fresh viewing of this puppy certainly changed my mind – it’s downright corny. Still love it, oddly enough.
-Lower Berth(original air date 7/3/90): Ever wonder where the Cryptkeeper came from? Two-faced circus freak (proper word, people) Enouch wants nothing more than to be accepted and have a family, but the constant abuse from his keeper Mr. Sickles in addition to being forced into circus life and gawked at my hundreds of people for amusement is understandably hindering that particular goal. One day a mysterious man brings another impressive attraction for the circus, a thousands year-old mummy with a curse, and Enouch quickly develops a crush on her. Two very simple rules apply to this bandaged old woman: Don’t steal her, and never, EVER take off her necklace. Bad things happen. So of course the ever greedy bastard Sickles chuckles off the curse, kills the mummy’s owner and takes off the priceless necklace, and, you guessed it, bad things happen. Bad, BAD things, courtesy of an avenging Enouch. Trust me, you don’t want me to tell you, especially the men. After the curse does its job Enouch and the mummy both turn up missing and are later found in a “private” place, suggesting Enouch has the ability to knock boots despite his unfortunate ailment. One guess who their kid is. Yeah, it’s stupid, but quite a gutsy and creative move by the writers.
-Television Terror(original air date 7/17/90): Back when Morton Downey Jr. had (some inkling of) a career, he guest starred for this show as – get this – Horton Rivers, who is a – get this – TV shock journalist. Huuuge stretch there, folks, but it actually resulted in a pretty darn good episode. An edition of Horton’s show brings him to a supposedly haunted house with a murderous past, and seeing as how he doesn’t believe in such things and such a program can bring big ratings, he struts right on in with his cameraman despite a paranormal expert all but promising his impending doom. He must watch “Tales from the Crypt.” The journey begins without incident but that quickly changes, and soon blood is pouring from doorways and ghosts with chainsaws and trying to tell him they don’t take to kindly to his presence there. Perhaps I put it more gently. Worse yet is Horton’s TV crew in the front yard deciding to keep him in because of the ratings the show is getting, led by a woman who he made a bad choice pissing off that particular night. Man, even the normal people in this show are evil. Note to self: don’t make friends. You’ll end up with a chainsaw in your gut. It’s so great to finally own this one.
-The Secret(original air date 7/31/90): Theodore is a troubled young orphan doing his best to get along in the foster home life. One day an odd rich couple chooses to adopt him, but Theo rightfully suspects that something is not quite right about them or their motives. Sure enough, once they bring him in they do their best to shower toys on him and stuff him with sweets and calories, and by that time Theo doesn’t have time to suspect anything because he’s far too busy being in Kid Heaven. But indeed, the rich couple does have a plan as well as a secret, but before they can carry out the plan the butler Tobias (Larry Drake, his second appearance on the series after playing the psycho Santa Claus in one of the pilots) rescues him and becomes collateral damage in the process. No worries – once they two reveal their secret, Theo realizes he has one too, and it eats their secret for breakfast. Literally. A great way to end the season.
Other episodes:
- ‘Til Death: Who do that voodoo? A scumball developer needing dough seeks occult help to land a millionaire bride. He didn’t read the fine print.
- Three’s a Crowd: Holy deadlock! A hubby turns against his wife and her presumed suitor. But is it all a fatal mistake? Of course it is. It’s “Tales from the Crypt.”
- Mute Witness to Murder: Cry murder. A woman sees a doctor kill his wife, loses her voice and is placed in a mental ward by the doctor. But you don’t have to have a voice to kick some murdering doctor carcass.
- Judy, You’re Not Yourself Today: Nice bod, she’ll take it. A quirky Mr. and Mrs. are quirkier after saleswoman takes over the wife’s body. Run! Carol Kane!
- Fitting Punishment: Business is dead, and that’s good. A funeral home director has a disrespectful way of dealing with his clients. This one taught me two things: water doesn’t make quality embalming fluid, and if you ever kill a man and saw off his feet, the feet come back to life too.
- The Sacrifice: It’s the perfect plan, but for whom? A hotshot insurance exec plans to murder his lover’s tycoon hubby. Eh.
- Four-Sided Triangle: The last straw. A seemingly mad woman held captive on a farm insists that the scarecrow is alive.
- My Brother’s Keeper: They’re stuck with a problem. Conjoined twins develop a rift when one of them falls in love. Yes, that is Timothy Stack.
9.0
The Video
Perfectly acceptable. You know I hate this part of the review. Pretty much everything I’ve done has been fine-as-it-will-ever get 80s and 90s TV shows and cartoons. Not the best, but they’ve always done a great job for what they have to work with.
8.0
The Audio
See above.
8.0
The Extras
Not a huge batch of extras, but it’s something. Disc two has the feature “Fright and Sound: Bringing the Crypt Experience to Radio,” a 3-minute short on the production of the radio series inspired by the show. I’m sorry to say that even as a fanatic I am unaware of the nature and details of a “Tales” radio show, and this feature doesn’t explain much. Was it a one-time thing? A series? Is it available on CD? Sure I can look it up online, but wouldn’t it be smarter to just take 60 extra seconds to give us the low down? Just saying. Tim Curry is a voice talent and gives a short interview.
Disc three (why do they split these things up??) has the behind-the-scenes “shockumentary.” It’s a play on words, you see. A pun. It runs 14 minutes and features your standard interviews with the creators and cast detailing their experience with making the show. None of it is terribly spectacular but it’s entertaining enough to justify its inclusion, even if it is under a quarter of an hour. You can rarely go wrong with general docs. The best part would have to be John Kassir, a TFTC comic fan, telling the story of how he won the producers over almost immediately with his reading of the Cryptkeeper, resulting in him getting the job fairly quickly without much consideration with any of the other talent they happened to audition before Kassir. It’s incredibly odd to hear that kind of sound come from that seemingly normal-looking character actor.
3.5
The 411: Credit this fine season as the one that came through for the show and allowed it to continue for as many years as it did. Definitely a pick-up for any fan of the show, although I’m assuming 90% of the show’s fans are the dedicated type that go out and buy the entire series and not just pick and choose seasons. My one and only minor grip is that they give a little more substance to the extras department, although I am grateful that they at least give something to satisfy. Here’s to hoping they include that Uncle “Cryptkeeper” Sam music video they did in the middle of the show for one of the sets. It’s scary I still remember that.
