The Happy Critic DVD Review: Epic Movie - Unrated
Posted by Ryan Latimer on 05.24.2007
You people are severely testing the accuracy of my nickname.
I had an idea once. Last year I attempted to write a film script, a comedy-action spoof about a makeshift superhero. Although I thought my idea was unique and had a bit of potential, I never completed the script, primarily because it wasn’t funny. A few of the jokes may have elicited chuckles from myself or my mother, but there was no way it could be made into a coherent film. I’m not a fiction writer, and my project was amateur at best. I knew I was in over my head. In fact, there is a huge possibility that it sucked. The script remains only as a computer file.
If only the filmmakers here subscribed to my philosophy. Epic Movie is exceptionally bad, as if it desires to see how far it can go without someone calling its bluff. The movie is a spoof of recent big-budgeted pictures in the sense that “spoof” is defined as humor a toddler might find funny it were given laughing gas. Even then I wonder. If any of this sounds cruel, surely you have not seen Epic Movie, and you are unknowingly a smarter person for it.
Am I wasting my words my describing the plot? I’m not entirely certain, and it isn’t because the film has no plot (it does, but extremely loosely), but instead because I might feel taking time to explain it won’t matter. But I’ll take a chance. While parodying recent blockbusters such as X-Men 3, Nacho Libre, Snakes on a Plane, The DaVinci Code and Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, four characters (played by Kal Penn, Adam Campbell, Jayma Mays and Faune Chambers) are united by means of a golden ticket they encounter, inviting them to the colorful, mammoth factory run by a child-loving lunatic. If you fail to wonder why I haven’t stated the characters’ names or explained why such movies as Snakes on a Plane or Nacho Libre could be considered epics, surely you are not the demographic this film is going for, and you are therefore unwelcome. It should also be noted that Willy, the owner of the aforementioned factory, is played by Crispin Glover, begging the question of what level of standards Glover is now adhering to, or possibly the question of how much money they threw at the cast to get them here.
I could go on. But really, does the plot here matter? It certainly didn’t to Jason Freidberg and Aaron Seltzer, who wrote and directed the film, much like it didn’t matter to incorporate the concept of comedy or the mechanics of parody. Epic Movie plays less like a spoof of blockbuster films and more like a series of discarded Saturday Night Live and The Tonight Show skits all piled into one, a lesson in imitation rather than humor. There is little structure, less comedy, no credibility. There is something inherently wrong when a film’s most interesting aspect is how bad it can truly get or the question of if one can gut it out to the end. Besides, I already took that test with Jackass Number Two and passed, so Epic Movie doesn't know who it's dealing with.
Seltzer and Freidberg, who worked on the far superior Scary Movie, appear completely lost throughout the film’s painful running length, even at less than 90 minutes. It is also obvious that they have never seen Airplane or the Hot Shots! films. They appear to believe that imitation itself equals comedy, almost as if film script writing is to be mastered following a 2-week college seminar in proper English. Plot, characters, structure, flow and creativity matter not. What is comedy? What is a parody? What makes something funny? There are a lot of correct answers to those questions, and the filmmakers don’t know one answer to any of them. Their definition of funny is to turn The Chronicles of Narnia’s White Witch into White Bitch, the films lead antagonist played by Jennifer Coolidge, no doubt pondering if another Legally Blonde film didn’t seem so bad. This isn’t funny, nor is anything she says or does, but the writer/director duo become tickled at its non-potential. Later, one character sticks her tounge to a cold poll and it gets stuck. It is said that it takes an exceptionally creative mind to make it in the film industry. There has to be an opposite rule in effect. Otherwise, I should be rich.
In Epic Movie, no film is safe, and no humor is to be found. Narnia’s talking beaver becomes Harry Beaver. Aslan the Lion becomes Also the half-lion, half-man (Fred Willard), because his father had sex with a lion. Captain Jack Sparrow of Pirates of the Caribbean is Captain Jack Swallows (Darrell Hammond). Quick, if you had three seconds to come up with a parody for any one of these elements, none of which have much or anything to do with progressing the film forward, what would it be? I can think of one for Captain Jack: Captain Morgan, the character on the gin bottles. See, I only had three seconds to apply, and Morgan and Jack are both captains, hence my answer. This is an actual joke in Epic Movie. I knew there was a reason why I stopped writing my script.
Heed my warning. I’m about to make a bold statement. Before I do, bear in mind that said warning is coming from an individual who watches professional wrestling. If you enjoyed Epic Movie, if you paid to see it in theaters and didn’t walk out in disgust, if you plan to purchase this DVD, you are not an intelligent person. If and when I decide to have a family, stay away from my children.
1.0
The Video
Great visual and crisp presentation. So that’s where they spent all their time. Widescreen presentation
8.0
The Audio
See above. 5.1 Dolby digital surround sound supported with optional English or Spanish subtitles. Also available in Spanish and French Dolby sound.
8.0
The Extras
No extra in the world is worth the price of this disc. But for kicks, here is what it offers.
- Commentary by directors/writers Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer. They don’t discuss how to receive your money back if and when you decide to purchase this disc, so it’s worthless.
- Breaking Wind: An Epic Journey into the Sounds of an Epic Movie is an honest-to-God soundtrack extra in which farting noises are inserted into play during the film. I’m not making that up. And dear me, there is not one thing I can say that will make this any more sadly amusing. If ANY reviewer ever once says that they sat through this for their reviewing assignment, they are lying.
- How Gratuitous is yet another supplement for during the film, this time allowing the viewer to press Enter when a beaver symbol shows up, taking you to shots of “sexy footage.” The internet is quicker.
- Everyone Loves Beaver: Epic Hook-Ups is a four-minute featurette that discusses supposed relationships on the set. If you dig conversations about a beaver and a half-goat getting it on, there you go.
- Making the Video is a behind-the-scenes look at shooting the pirate rap video. Sorry I didn’t mention that scene before. This extra is notable for one thing only - it starts out with a sound byte from one of the filmmakers stating the following: “The key to making a spoof movie that people to respond to…” That’s one key they lost long ago.
You know what? I can’t take this anymore. Here is the rest.
- Outtakes, alternate ending, five more short features in Epic Porn: What Would Your Porno Movie Be Called?, In Character with Fred Willard, Making a Spoof, What Makes Also So Irresistible?, Character Turn-offs and Turn-Ons, a trailer for the Reno 911 film, and thank-God-for-it-is-all-over last, “Die Libre,” the winning short-film entry into the Epic Movie Viral Video Contest. That chum should be SO proud. This set of extras is die-hard proof that quality is far more important than quantity.
3.0
The 411: Don’t rent this movie. Don’t buy this movie. Don’t ever admit that you saw it. If you get caught, lie. To high-level employees of Fox Entertainment: if someone brings this movie up in meetings, look blankly at the sky and respond, “what Epic Movie film?” If they insist, make sure they are never seen or heard from again. I may not be able to sue for my money back, but if I ever take an IQ test and the resulting number is decreased from years prior, I’ll see you sons of bitches in court.
