Freakin' Sweet Forum 10.01.07: I Never Met the Dead Man - Episode 2
Posted by Cory Lynn Schibler on 10.01.2007
If I haven't seen it, it's new to me!
Welcome back Family Guy fans to the FREAKIN’ SWEET FORUM! Okay, not too much excitement, bring it back, bring it back. Okay, today we’ll be looking at episode two, “I Never Met the Dead Man.” For those of you wondering why the first few episodes have something to do with death and murder in the title, creator Seth McFarlane explains on the commentary that they thought it would be cool for that to be the running theme of the show titles. However, by the fourth episode they were already having trouble thinking up names, so the idea was nixed. So, let’s get it going fools.
I Never Met the Dead Man Original Air date : April 11, 1999 Production Code : 1ACX02
Written by Chris Sheridan
Directed by Michael Dante DiMartino
Principal Cast Peter/Brian/Stewie : Seth McFarlane Lois : Alex Borstein Chris : Seth Green Meg : Lacey Chabert
We open with young Stewie attempting to reach the Pentagon on his Sesame Street phone. When his request is ignored, he tell Ernie that he has already taken care of Mr. Hooper, has agents outside Big Bird’s nest, and that Linda will not be able to hear an assassin approaching. When Ernie asks if Stewie can count to three, Stewie blasts the phone three times with a laser gun. He then exclaims that he is already shooting at a fifth grade level.
Roll opening theme song.
When Lois tells Stewie he can’t leave until he eats his vegetables, he tells her he will wait until one of them dies, and that she has 40 years on him. Lois then resorts to the standard mother feeding technique, open up for the airplane. This leads to Stewie damning the Wright Brothers for having ever invented flight. After she forces it into his mouth, Stewie demands to know who the hell she is and then determines he must kill broccoli.
Next we have Meg who would like her mother to give her driving lessons. Lois says that she is about to give a piano lesson and that Meg should ask Peter. Peter, using logic that defies all common parenting knowledge, says that he loves Meg but also loves Star Trek and it wouldn’t be fair to take her driving because Star Trek was there first. HUH!? Anyway, we are then treated to a cutaway from an episode of Star Trek, where Captain Kirk is giving a captain’s log while constantly flailing his arms and legs about.
Lois tells Peter that he has been watching TV since he got home from work and should spend some time with the family. Peter tells her that is what commercials are for. Brian then tells Meg that she should find a better teacher than Peter. Peter says that he is a fine driver, but a cutaway scene shows a trip to the southwest where Peter and Wyle E. Coyote ran over the Roadrunner in a car. Peter says that he always keeps his eyes on the road and never misses anything. Star Trek returns from commercial and Peter exclaims “Holy crap, Uhura’s black?”
Peter’s first lesson about driving states that if you catch eyes with someone at a stop light, you have to race them. Meg then catches eyes with a guy on a horse and buggy, who Peter claims is asking for it. Shortly after the race begins, the buggy loses a wheel and plunges into the ravine. Both the buggy and the horse then burst into flame. Peter says that she did a good job, but failed to flip him off.
Back from their lesson, Lois says that it didn’t last very long. Peter, in his brilliance, says that he didn’t want to overload her on the first day, and that CHiPs is about to start. We then see Eric Estrada’s character charging a well-endowed blonde for driving without his phone number while a semi-truck labeled “PURE, UNCUT, COCAINE” drives by. This truck is followed by two cars having a gun fight. Estrada then says he should arrest her for being too beautiful.
We go to Stewie’s room where he is berating his broccoli. Yes, I said berating his broccoli. Stewie tells him that he is no good for broccoli and that he must eliminate said broccoli. He then tells him that because the first rule of war is to know your enemy, he knows that cold kill broccoli. He then decides that he must simply build a device to control the global climate to make it cold enough to kill the broccoli. Yea, because he can’t, like, put it in the FRICKIN’ FREEZER! I thought he was a genius? Anyway, Stewie then delivers one of my ten most quoted Family Guy quotes.
Stewie: “Forecast for tomorrow, a few sprinkles of genius with a chance of doom!”
We then see Peter and Meg in line at the DMV. Peter is complaining that they need to leave because he is going to miss the premiere of Fast Animals, Slow Children on Fox. Ironically, that is probably the only reality show idea that hasn’t appeared on network TV. Meg then says that she has to get her license because without it she won’t have a boyfriend, or get married and will have to adopt a kid like Rosie O’Donnell. Peter wants to know if that is implying that Rosie can’t drive.
Meg begins her driving test and unfortunately catches the eye of a policeman at the stop light. She proceeds to race him. Meg asks if she is going to be docked points for not flipping the cop off. On the way home, Meg, embarrassed that she failed her driving test is crying. Peter says that he has had his share of disappointments too. We then see Peter in the delivery room holding arms full of sporting equipment when the doctor tells him it is a girl. Peter nervously asks the doctor to check again.
Then Peter, while trying to watch his shows through the windows of the houses he drives by, accidentally hits the satellite dish that brings cable to the entire town of Quahog! When the nearby townspeople come and start to surround Peter, he says that Bigfoot is right over there. Bigfoot, who actually is right there, says that this is about Peter, not him. Peter then blames the accident on Meg, saying that everyone did stupid stuff when they were kids. We then see Peter trying to sneak into an R-rated movie using a shrubbery disguise. When that logic doesn’t work, Peter says that they should let her slide because she lost an arm in Vietnam. This causes the mob to disperse, claiming that that was a senseless war.
Meg and Peter then finish the trip home, with Peter apologizing for lying about the accident and admitting this isn’t the first time that he has embarrassed her. We then see Peter, bursting into Meg’s classroom in a towel, telling her to clean out the shower drain after she shaves her legs because it is like a carpet. That may be the grossest thing I’ve ever typed. Wait, I called Mrs. Krabapple sexy in my last two Simpsons columns so I guess maybe not. He then promises her that he will buy her a convertible when she gets her license if she pretends it was her fault. We then see Tom Tucker and Diane Simmons doing a newscast that they believe is not going out to anyone, where Tom proclaims that he is Jesus Christ and is going to get drunk and beat up some midgets, while Diane says that she doesn’t like black people. Their producer then explains that they are still on the air in Boston.
We then see Stewie putting the finishing touches on his weather device, while he claims that the broccoli is mocking him. He then sees that Peter has drug home the satellite dish, which he can use to amplify his signal. When Lois finds out that Peter is bribing Meg, Peter explains that bribe is just another word for love. When Peter says that the family will be fine without TV, Brian scoffs, citing the time Peter tried to give up candy as an example. We then see Willy Wonka questioning Peter, who is blown up like a giant blueberry, if he stole any candy from the factory. After telling the family he will be fine, we immediately see Peter on the phone with a friend who is describing an NYPD Blue episode to Peter. Sipowicz is threatening to show his ass to a suspect if he doesn’t say he the perpetrator is. Peter says that without seeing his ass this is just radio.
We then see Meg in her classroom, being ridiculed for destroying TV. Meg, in the Wonder Years narrator voice, convinces herself that she can’t tell the truth because this is her chance to get a car.
Peter and Brian, drinking in the bar, wonder what Scooby and the gang are up to. The Scooby gang after surveying the body decides they are dealing “with one sick, twisted, son-of-a-bitch. Brian tells Peter that he has to fill the void like the rest of the family.
Brian: “Lois has her knitting, Chris has video games, Meg’s learning how to drive. And me, I like the sauce. Hey barkeep, whose leg do you have to hump to get a dry martini around here?”
That last bit would also be on my list of most quoted Family Guy quotes. That night, Peter has a dream that resembles the tornado scene from the Wizard of Oz, with many TV characters including Samantha from Bewitched. The TV show, not that terrible movie starring Will Ferrell and Nicole Kidman. Man was that dumb. The funniest stuff was when they showed clips from old episodes of the TV show.
Anyway, the next morning Lois tells Brian that she is worried about Peter because he was channel surfing through static. Brian says that he will find a way to cope. Peter then walks in wearing an apparatus that holds a cardboard frame up in front of his face…
Brian: “And you were worried.”
Peter says that he is watching his favorite TV family the Griffins. When Lois begins to explain her concerns, Peter says he is bored and leaves to see what else is on. Brian is left to watch Stewie. He tells him no to move, an order which Stewie ignores. He begins flailing and making wacky faces, and eventually knocks over his high chair.
Peter then takes a walk through town saying that he gets all the channels. Two women at a table in a café is Lifetime, an elderly couple walking down the sidewalk is CBS, and a group of black guys playing basketball is UPN. When Peter goes to Meg’s school, the truth finally comes out and the townspeople attempt to attack Peter. Lois arrives and claims that TV being destroyed is their salvation from the spell TV had them under. At home, Peter and Lois agree that TV is bad because “that Manson guy” watches it in jail all day long.
Charles Manson: “If I haven’t seen it, it’s new to me!”
Lois says that TV is ok as long as you find a balance between it and other things. When Lois says that she and Peter could do some stuff together, he gets mad and calls her sick. When she explains that she is talking about making love, he apologizes because he thought she wanted to murder the children and harvest their organs for beer money. Peter Griffin’s mind must be a scary place.
The next morning, Peter asks Mr. Sun if it is a beautiful day. Mr. Sun says that it is always a beautiful day with two scoops of raisins. He then drops two scoops of giant raisins onto Quahog. Stewie finally completes his weather device, which is made of a speak-and-say. Peter then tells the family that they are going to go enjoy the world which includes; fishing, cloud-watching, playing basketball, and a picnic lunch where Peter is laying out the red blanket and is run over by a charging bull.
The family then talks about how Peter is wearing them out with all their activities. We then go back to Tom and Diane, who this time are talking about spanking each other. Diane says that Tom’s wife wouldn’t appreciate that. He says that she lives in Quahog and can’t see what’s going on. Of course, this is when the producer informs them that they are back on in Quahog. Their facial expressions at this point are hilarious.
Back home, Peter tells the family that they are going to be late for the Bavarian Folk Festival. The family says that the TV is back on and they don’t want to go. Lois tells Peter that his favorite show is back on. We then go back to Star Trek, where Kirk tells them that their mission is dangerous, that one of them may be killed, and that the landing party will consist of him, Mr. Spock, Dr. McCoy, and Ensign Rickey.
Ensign Rickey: “Crap.”
Lois then asks Peter to watch TV with them asking if he misses…
Lois: “The familiar stories, the broadly drawn characters, the convenient plot turns that bring a character around at exactly the right moment?”
At this point, William Shatner burst though the front door. His car has broken down on his way to deliver a speech about how TV keeps a family together. Peter then invites him to attend the festival with him. In a great bit, Shatner leans over in front of Lois to deliver a line, while the entire top of his hair line stays where his head was a few minutes ago, suspended in midair.
We then see Stewie clad in a yellow rain slicker using the tire swing to reach the roof (wouldn’t it be easier to go out the window?). Of course, since this is a cartoon, his device works perfectly and dark clouds begin to build.
In the funniest scene in this episode, we go to the festival. Here we see a German bratwurst seller who is next to a Polish sausage salesman, who is next to a Czech wieners salesman. The German man, who has a Hitler mustache, attacks the Pole with a bratwurst and annexes his booth, then, begins eyeing the Czech’s booth. Peter and Shatner decide to run home barefoot in the rain. At the same time, Meg is receiving driving lessons from Lois, and they accidentally run over Shatner and Peter. Shatner asks God to beam him up, while Peter ends up in a full body cast.
At the hospital, Peter says that when he gets out, he will live it up for him and Bill. When the nurse leaves, she leaves the TV on. Peter then sees a Klondike bar commercial that escalates until the guy kills someone, which brings Peter back from the Dark side over to the TV world once more. We end with the family sitting on the couch watching TV. While Lois tries to give a speech about what Peter taught them, he cuts her off by simply saying that the show is back on.
As the credits roll, Lois is still trying to get Stewie to eat his broccoli. While exclaiming that the broccoli is wonderful, Stewie tries the old standby of giving the food to the dog. We then get the following exchange.
Brian: “Nice try.” Stewie: “Quadruped” (is that even an insult?) Brian: “Mutant”
Roll credits.
Okay, let’s see what we have here. Diabolical, straight out of a soap opera plot, by the evil baby? Check.
Bad parenting? Check. Completely random celebrity guest? Check. Yep, this is definitely a Family Guy episode. A pretty darn good one at that. As someone who has seen every episode, I can tell you that Chris Sheridan is a pretty instrumental part in the overall funniness of the show. If you see his name, the episode is probably pretty good. This one is no exception. For the William Shatner stuff alone, this episode is definitely worth watching. It is hard to put into words how funny his overacting is during these scenes. Stewie’s plot against broccoli is also quite hilarious and is only the beginning of Stewie’s diabolical plots. All in all, another perfectly acceptable and enjoyable edition of Family Guy.
In order to avoid having my clips pulled from youtube (which happened with my Simpsons article) I have instead decided to share my love of pro wrestling. Each week, I will embed a random wrestling clip into my article. Up this week is Chikara Podcast-a-go-go episode number 8.
The 411: The 411: Not a whole lot of progression, but the show is getting there. This episode we got more Stewie which is always a good thing. My best indicator of how funny an episode is going to be is how much stuff there is with Stewie and Brian. Watch for that as we go along. For now, this one ranks about the same as the first episode. 7.5 Out of 10.0.
