Against the Groen(ing) 10.19.07: Bart the General - Episode 5
Posted by Cory Lynn Schibler on 10.19.2007
Next time your teacher tells you to keep your arm inside the bus, you listen.
It is I Cory Schibler, the man who always takes you AGAINST THE GROEN(ING)!!! This week we look at the first episode by Simpsons writing powerhouse John Swartzwelder. It’s Bart the General, and I hope you all remember your assignment from a few columns ago, because the story from the field trip will come up again. To the show!
Original Air date: February 4, 1990 Production Code: 7G05
This episode was written by John Swartzwelder and directed by David Silverman.
Principal Cast Homer: Dan Castellaneta Marge: Julie Kavner Bart: Nancy Cartwright Lisa: Yeardley Smith Grandpa: Dan Castellaneta
According to the commentary, we forego the chalkboard and couch because we have a longer then normal episode. That, sadly, is the best thing I have heard all day. FYI, Swartzwelder has written more episodes than any other writer for the show and his episodes rule.
We begin with Bart in trouble, as usual. Lisa and Marge are baking cupcakes for Lisa’s teacher. This leads to a fight between Bart and Lisa, where he calls her a butt kisser. Homer says that that is not a bad thing because it doesn’t hurt to grease the wheel. We then get an extended diatribe from Homer about butt kissing, including denying that Lisa is actually smart.
On the school bus, Bart puts this lesson to work and gains a cupcake from Lisa (she dropped it on the ground by accident, then shoved it in Bart’s mouth). At school, a bully steals Lisa’s cupcakes, which leads to Bart coming to her unlikely aid. Unfortunately, the bully is a friend of Nelson Muntz, who is Bart’s class’s biggest bully. After a struggle, Nelson discovers that his nose is bleeding and exclaims…
Nelson: “You made me bleed my own blood.”
That’s right, that line came from Simpsons, not Dodgeball. The fight is broken up by the school bell, where Principal Skinner tells Bart not to worry because Nelson can get him after school. At 3:15, Nelson and friends beat up Bart and tell him that they will get him again at the same time the next day. Bart then rolls all the way home in the trashcan that they have stuffed him in.
At home, Homer comes up to ask Bart what’s wrong because his mom thinks that something is. Bart tells him about the bully situation and Homer tells him that sometimes you have to fight dirty.
Homer: “There’s nothing wrong with hitting someone when their back is turned.”
The next day, Bart is subject to yet another beating and trash can stuffing. Lisa then suggest going to see Grandpa Simpson. Now this show gets interesting! His introduction is this scene…
Abe “Grandpa” Simpson: “Dear advertisers, I am disgusted with the way old people are depicted on television. We are not all vibrant, fun-loving sex maniacs. Many of us are bitter, resentful individuals who remember the good old days when entertainment was bland and inoffensive. The following is a list of words I never want to hear on television again. Number one: bra. Number two: horny. Number three: family jewels.”
That is the genius of Swartzwelder. Grandpa says that he can’t help Bart with his problem, but he takes him to Herman the Arms Dealer to get the help he needs. This is where your homework comes in. You see Herman only has one arm. Slowly and hesitantly, Bart asks if he lost the arm in the war. Herman tells him no, and that the next time his teacher tells him to keep his arm inside the bus he better listen! Wow, the Simpsons just showed more continuity in their programming than TNA has shown in the last five years. Herman says that the best way to combat the bully is to build an army and train them. He then tells Bart that the key to Springfield has always been Elm Street, and that both the Greeks and Carthaginians knew it, and now so does Bart. Bart then tells Grandpa that he is worried because Herman seems a little nuts. Grandpa says that Patton was nuts and that since this guy is absolutely out of his mind, they can’t fail. The Patton theme then begins to play.
After amassing an army, Bart begins his first speech as general, which he drives away by saying he can’t promise victory or good times. He quickly reverses his stance and brings them back into the fold. The training then begins, starting with this marching cadence.
“I got a B in arithmetic. Would have got an A but I was sick.”
We then get a training montage, complete with a marching cadence of the standard rubber/glue statement. Bart is then shown confronting a soldier who is wimping out. Bart slaps him and is reprimanded by Grandpa, who says that you can send people to die in horrible ways, but you can’t slap them. We then get these awesome cadences.
“In English class I did the best, because I cheated on the test.”
“We are happy, we are merry. We got a rhyming dictionary.”
Bart and company are then in the tree house planning their attack. Herman is upset that the balloons say “Happy Birthday” instead of “Death from Above.” We then see that as usual, Nelson is not any nicer to his friends than he is to anyone else. Bart and the army then put the plan into action, which starts with a saturation water balloon bombing. Homer comes out to stop the kids, and his father begins pelting him with water balloons. It should be mentioned that Abe is very bitter towards the Simpson family for putting him in a home.
Bart and company tie Nelson up. Nelson swears that as soon as Bart lets him loose, Nelson shall beat him up again. Herman tells Bart not to worry, because he made a plan to counteract that type of threat. Back in the living room, Herman is drawing up an Armistice Treaty. It says that Nelson will have no official power, but will still be a figurehead of menace in the community.
Bart then comes on to deliver a public service announcement about war. He tells us it is not funny or glamorous. He goes on to tell us there are no good wars with the exception of “The American Revolution, World War II, and the Star Wars trilogy.” He then tells us we can learn lots more about wars from our local library where there are many books, several of which have many gory pictures. And we go to credits.
Again, a more plot driven episode, which is no surprise coming from King Swartzwelder. You may think I’m kidding, but as you shall see, he writes the best stuff almost exclusively. Not to say the other writers don’t have good episodes, because they do. However, Swartzwelder is the standard by which all writers for this show should be judged.
Sorry for the short column this week, but I had a long day at school. Also, I just received a 20 DVD collection of World Class Championship Wrestling shows in the mail today and I am anxious to get to them. I’ll make it up for next week, or my name isn’t Cory Schibler.
No video this week, cause I'm just too lazy to search for one. I'll give you double next week, I promise.
The 411: Great writing, great acting, great episode. That pretty much sums up this outing for the Simpson clan. Next week will be one you don’t want to miss as we see the debut of Bleeding Gums Murphy! Plus, Lisa pontificates and sulks. I know you’re shocked, but anyway, I’ll give this one an 8.0 because I still love this episode after almost 20 years of Simpsons episodes.
