Melrose Place Season 3 (Discs 5-8) DVD Review
Posted by Ryan Byers on 12.27.2007
I never thought it would be possible to meet a group of nine people with not a single redeeming quality between them.
Welcome back to my review of the DVD set of Melrose Place's third season. This edition will focus on discs five through eight, and those of you who missed my commentary on discs one through four can check it out by clicking this link. If you'd rather not read that and would prefer a short recap of the season's first half, here it goes: There are eight or nine young people, most of whom live in the same apartment complex. They're all insufferable, self-centered brats who spend half of their time trying to kill each other and half of their time trying to have sex with each other. They presumably have jobs too, but that more often than not gets lost amidst all of the attempted murder and attempted boinking.
Now let's move along to the next batch of episodes.
Episodes
They Shoot Mothers, Don't They?: This is a super-sized ninety minute long episode of Melrose Place. The title is, of course, in reference to Jo, who puts two and two together and realizes that the Carters – the grandparents of her child (who were legally awarded custody) – were the ones responsible for having it taken away from her. She and Jake trespass on to their property, where Jo threatens Ma Carter and then charges at her before Pa Carter unloads his shotgun in to Jo's back. (That wasn't a double entendre.) They try to play this up as though it's some horrible tragedy, but THIS WOMAN DESERVED TO BE SHOT. You mean to tell me that she fakes her own kid's death to steal it away from its legal guardians and then verbally and physically threatens said guardians and she's the hero? Jesus. Even worse is the fact that the judge involved in her custody case rescinds the original order and has the child put up for adoption as a result of the Carters' supposedly heinous actions. Apparently retrieving your child from a kidnapper and shooting a woman who runs at you in the middle of the night make you the bane of humanity. I hate the Jo character, I hate this storyline, and I'm glad that it's over.
Back in Los Angeles, Burns plots to have Amanda removed from D&D by slipping her pills laced with THC. As such, she fails a drug test and gets canned. When she attempts to get revenge by moving forward with her plan to expose the bribes he's been receiving, he stabs her with a syringe full of a magical substance that induces abdominal spasms. He then recruits Michael to perform an unnecessary appendectomy on her, instructing the young doctor to have "mishap" which offs the woman. Michael ultimately refuses to do so and punches Burns square in the jaw, leaving him out cold on the operating room floor. In other, less important news, Allison drops her football player boyfriend when she finds him having sex with a groupie, and Sydney gets a new roommate named Ricki who tries to get her to join a cult. Of course, Sydney doesn't realize it's a cult, because she is the DUMBEST WOMAN ALIVE. This seemed like a really oddly placed episode, as it ended three major storylines (Jo/Carters, Burns/Amanda, and Allison/footballer) all at the same time, but it took place in the middle of the season as opposed to the end. Oh well, I suppose if they start developing new plots at the halfway point they can leave them as cliffhangers at season's end.
Another Perfect Day in Hell: As predicted, we do kick of many new storylines in this one. The primary focus is the saga of Sydney and her cultist roommate, with Ricki performing all sorts of criminal activities behind Syd's back so that the other residents of the apartment building turn on her. Jo's cameras are stolen, Jane's latest line of dresses is destroyed, sugar is poured in to the gas tank of Jo's vehicle, and Jake's bar is trashed. I don't know why Ricki chose to target Jo twice, but, once again, she deserves everything that she gets after the baby debacle. The whole thing is a plot to drive Sydney further away from her current friends and family and in to the arms of "Martin," the cult's charismatic leader. In other news, all of the employees at the hospital are required to undergo psychiatric evaluations in the wake of the Burns incident, and of course Kimberly fails hers miserably. Matt, who coordinated the tests, attempts to set her up with a therapist, but Kimmy responds by hiring a couple of thugs to rough him up. If you think that's bad, things are even worse for Amanda, who is told that she may have Hodgkin's disease by Michael. She doesn't believe him, but, let's face it, would you? Finally, Allison's sister visits and sleeps with Billy, though Allison is remarkably understanding. Given the amount of promiscuity that surrounds her on a daily basis, I don't know how she couldn't be.
Boxing Sydney: The episodes start to really slow down at this point, because Amanda's cancer storyline is nothing more than Amanda constantly throwing herself too deep in to her work and being pulled back by others. This repeats itself ad nausem over the next several shows. Of actual note in this episode is Matt beginning to date the cop who investigated his beating. When our hero tells the officer that Kimberly may have had something to do with it, the boy in blue pulls her over and threatens her at gunpoint, though it appears that was simply foreshadowing as opposed to the beginning of a storyline in and of itself. The primary focus of the show is Sydney, who finally realizes that her cult is a cult when she gets ordered to serve the leader a midnight snack and walks in on him simultaneously canoodling with two of the group's members. She decides that she's had it at this point and wants to leave, but cult members have a funny way of preventing you from doing that sort of thing. Unfortunately, this is not the most sophisticated cult in the world. Instead of mentally manipulating Syd in to staying, they just lock her in a box overnight. Oh well, I suppose the simplest solutions are sometimes the best . . .
St. Valentine's Day Massacre: Despite being locked in that box, Sydney decides that staying with the cult will be a good idea. You know, I understand that the writers are trying to paint this woman as a victim, but, much like the Jo/baby arc, she's started to bring so much of her problems on to herself that I'm no longer sympathetic. Eventually Jane and Jake bail her out, albeit not before it's teased that Syd might shoot them both as a show of loyalty to her new friends. Back in LA, Matt's new cop boyfriend takes Jo on a ride-along so that she can get some photos for a newspaper article, but when she catches him on-camera brutalizing a local drug dealer, her apartment winds up trashed. Finally, we get an explanation as to why Michael has been so nice to Amanda since he discovered her disease. Apparently he thinks his career in the hospital will advance greatly if he can act as her attending physician and somehow get her to recover from the usually fatal condition. To that end, he convinces her to go to New York to participate in a private study of a new treatment.
Breakfast at Tiffany's, Dinner at Eight: The primary focus of this episode is Michael and Amanda's trip to New York. It seems as though the writers crammed what could have been ten weeks' worth of material in to thirty minutes of screen time. First the doctor that they're visited refuses to treat Kimberly, but he changes his mind once Michael claims that he'll pull out of the project completely. On top of that, it appears that Michael is attempting to seduce Amanda for reasons unknown, while the real kicker is Kimberly learning that the two are growing close. Of course, no good can come of this. Jo and Matt's storyline involving the abusive police officer also comes to what I thought was a fairly abrupt end, as they do turn over Jo's pictures of his indiscretions, which causes him to go off the deep end and hold them hostage. The hostage situation literally lasts for about five minutes before they trick him in to getting rid of his gun. What a lousy villain that guy turned out to be.
And the Winner Is . . .: Michael and Amanda continue to get close to one another, as they go on a retreat in Santa Barbara designed to lower her stress levels. That plan is thwarted by Kimberly, who catches them together in the hot tub and threatens to electrocute the duo courtesy of a conveniently placed electric lamp. This snaps Amanda back in to reality, reminding her that Dr. Mancini is a creep with whom she should not be involved. It also triggers an uncharacteristic breakdown from Kimberly later in the episode, as she begins weeping in front of Michael and begging him not to leave her. Tension also mounts between Amanda and Allison when Allison gets herself nominated for an advertising industry award and wins it right out from under Amanda's nose. We also finally resolve the status of Jake's relationships with the Andrews-Mancini sisters, as he makes it clear that he wants nothing to do with Sydney and Jane makes it clear that she wants nothing to do with him.
Love & Death 101: Jake learns that his mother has passed away, so he and Jo take off to his hometown in Washington to put her to rest. While there they meet Jake's half-brother Jess, who has a criminal history and some unresolved issues with his sibling. Needless to say, the two wind up exchanging some punches. Back in California, Amanda's failing health results in her losing her job, and Allison moves right in on the position. This episode really dragged, but it was necessary to introduce the Jess character for his expanded role later in the season.
To Live and Die in Malibu: Amanda appears to be out of the woods as it relates to her cancer, which is given surprisingly little play in this episode. What is treated as big news is a revelation from Michael. He lets Kimberly he's only stayed with her after her car accident because he wants to steal the money from an insurance settlement away from her. Well, at least we now finally know why he didn't give her the boot after she attempted to kill him. That seeming hole in the story had been driving me crazy for a while now. When he actually does get his hands on the cash, he tells her to hit the bricks, which in turn leads to the unstable female doctor attempting suicide. However, when Michael finds her dying on their patio, he makes a last second decision to end his call to 911 before saying a word to the dispatcher. (We'll ignore the fact that, when something like this happens, 911 usually sends somebody to the home anyway.)
All About Brooke: The Brooke mentioned in the title is a new intern who Allison has put to work at the advertising agency. Brooke is also in the process of seducing Billy. That's not the only thing she's doing, though. Amanda, now cancer free, has decided to go back to work and is given a low level position at the agency by Allison. By episode's end, it becomes apparent that Amanda is using young Brooke as an agent to undermine Allison's success. The ultimate goal is obviously to move Amanda back in to her old position. On the Kimberly suicide front, 911 doesn't come to the beach house . . . but Sydney does. She finds Michael standing over Kim's body, which leaves Dr. Mancini with no choice but to pretend that he just found her, at which point he calls 911 for real. Kimberly's life is saved, and she decides that, if she can't be dead, she may as well make Michael's life a living hell. Thus, she pays Sydney a significant amount of money to break in to the beach house and lace some vitamins with the medication on which she O.D.'ed. The idea is to frame Michael for attempted murder. Syd is also supposed to destroy Kimberly's suicide note, but she instead double crosses her employer and sells the letter to Michael for a cool $50,000. Under Michael's threat of leaking the note to the medical community and thereby ruining her career, Kimberly is forced to leave the state. Of course, Sydney has now managed to piss of both of our favorite demonic doctors, so things aren't looking good for her future.
Melrose Impossible: This was a fairly uneventful episode, with ongoing storylines receiving small buildups as opposed to major occurrences taking place. The most notable development was Sydney using the money that she received from blackmailing the Mancinis to invest in Jane's design company . . . and to become president of said company. Meanwhile, Michael continues to harass Amanda, Brooke finally sleeps with Billy, Allison asks Brooke to spy on Amanda even though Brooke is already spying on Allison for Amanda, and Kimberly attends a bizarre retreat designed to help weak women find their "inner warrior." In a more character-based series, this kind of episode could have been interesting, but the characters on Melrose are about as deep as a thimble, so it was forty-two rather boring minutes.
A Hose by Any Other Name: Sydney gets in bed with the mob, both literally and figuratively. First she enters in to a business deal with a couple of shady characters, which sees them shipping a special "product" of theirs through Mancini Designs. By "product" I mean heroin. Elsewhere, Amanda continues her plot to oust Allison from power at the agency and ultimately succeeds when she creates the appearance that she saved a project for a major client. Naturally, she was the one that sabotaged the project in the first place, although she pushes off that blame on her rival. Oh, and Matt's got another lover. This time it's a seemingly heterosexual plastic surgeon who uses everybody's favorite human resources guru in order to cheat on his wife. Everybody on this show is a horrible human being.
Kiss Kiss Bang Bang: With Sydney having discovered that her new business partners are not on the up and up, she tries to cancel the deal. When she does that, one of the gangsters reveals that he is a federal agent and convinces her that the only way she can avoid jail time is to resign as president of the company and sever all ties with it. She does this, only for Jane to let slip days later that the "mobsters" were actors that she hired in order to get Syd out of the business. Jane normally isn't this conniving, but she certainly had a right to be given Sydney's recent behavior. While Sydney is out of a job Allison has a new one, as Brooke convinces her ultra-rich father to hire the recovering alcoholic as vice president of foreign affairs . . . for his office in Hong Kong. This is a ploy designed by Brooke so that she can have Billy all to herself. Surprisingly, neither of those events are the biggest of the episode, as Jake learns that his brother is sleeping with Jo. In true Jake Hansen fashion, this triggers a fistfight. Jess loses, and his idea for revenge involves hiring a hitman to shoot Jake at Shooters. I'd like to note that this was the WORST HITMAN EVER, as he decided to do the deed in the middle of a crowded room as opposed to being stealthy about it and thereby greatly reducing his chances of being caught.
The Framing of the Shrews: First of all, they completely missed the mark with the title of this episode, because it's the shrews who are doing in the framing, not being framed. Now that I think about it, there's also only one shrew involved: Kimberly. She begins stalking Amanda while wearing men's clothes to make the ad exec thinking that Michael is violating a restraining order. She also trashes her former beach house and scars up her own face so that it appears she was the victim of a domestic battery perpetrated by Dr. Mancini. All of this results in Michael being jailed. Oh, and remember that whole bit with Jake being shot? He pulls through and rightfully accuses his brother of being the one behind it all, though nobody believes him. The final moments of the episode are also rather Kimberly-centric, as she hangs around her hotel room and stares in to mirrors long enough for us all to learn that she's got a filthy man who looks like a leprechaun living inside of her head and telling her to do evil things. The show already had plenty of cartoonish elements, so you may as well go all out with it.
The Big Bang Theory: Perhaps because god hates me, we wrap up with another hour-and-a-half long episode. Because the season is coming to a close and the writers want to hook everybody in to come back next year, everything goes as badly as imaginable for our characters. Matt's married plastic surgeon boyfriend frames him for the murder of his wife, while Jess proposes to Jo and beats the holy hell out of her when she says no. Okay, I may still hate her coming out of the baby story, but she didn't deserve that one. The beating sends Jake after his brother, and the two take a dive off the side of a half-constructed building, the aftermath of which will not be revealed until next season. Brooke and Billy bring a little happiness to the episode by getting married, although even that party is crashed by Allison, who (unsuccessfully) tries to put an end to the nuptials. In the end, Kimberly's insanity remains the primary focus. She decides to round up all of her enemies at Melrose Place, which she has wired with firebombs. These bombs feature sticks of dynamite that look laughably stereotypical. Her plot is uncovered and everybody tries to make a break for it, but ultimately Kim recovers and the show fades to black with her finger on the detonator. I have to admit, with people fighting, dying, and being arrested on virtually every episode, I didn't think that they'd be able to come up with a season finale which felt exciting compared to the series' ordinary fare. They did, though, and I was impressed with how the action built throughout the episode.
Bonus Features
Seven Minutes in Hell: Now THIS is hilarious. It's a seven minute montage of the most "shocking" moments from the season, including fist fights, one-line zingers, and, of course, EXPLOSIONS~! It's edited together in a way that I swear has to be intended to make the series look as ridiculous as humanly possible, and it succeeded in that regard.
Everything You Need to Know About Melrose Place Season 3: Bar none, this is the best thing on the DVD set. Two professional comedians were hired to do a brief rundown of the series, and they do a phenomenal job of lampooning everything ridiculous about this season. The highlight, though, is their rendition of the Melrose Place opening credits. I won't say that this is worth buying the entire DVD set for, but if you're like me and have been put in to a position to watch the show without really being that big of a fan, chances are good you'll love it.
Melrose Place According to Jake: This is twenty minutes of what appears to be fairly recent interview footage with the series creator and Grant Show (the actor who portrayed Jake) interspersed with clips from the season and archival footage of interviews with producer Aaron Spelling. The topic of discussion is the Jake Hansen character, both in general and specifically as it relates to this season of the show. Two things struck me during this featurette. The first is that Jake was a manwhore. With the exception of Kimberly, he was involved romantically and/or sexually with every female character to regularly appear during the third season and a couple of semi-regulars as well. The second is that Grant Show has put far too much thought in to his character, constructing a psychological profile out of the man based on occurrences on the show that were programmed specifically for shock value as opposed to being relevant to who Jake was as a person.
The 411: Some dramas are renowned for their clever writing and the way that it makes us think about events in contemporary society. Some dramas receive critical acclaim for the depth of their characters and how realistically the individuals on screen feel like well-rounded human beings. Melrose Place obviously falls in to neither of those categories. Instead, its method of getting by consisted of giving viewers as much whizz-bang action as possible. The show focused entirely on salacious, over the top plot elements as opposed to character development or social commentary. Though the release provided by that kind of entertainment can be fun once in a while, it loses its appeal quickly, as supposedly "shocking" events blur together and lose their impact. When that happens, there's little left to appreciate on the show. That, combined with the fact that what passed for shocking in 1995 now seems banal twelve years later, leaves the episodes feeling flat when viewed in rapid succession on a DVD set.
