Retro TV Review: Small Wonder-Big J Private Eye
Posted by Leonard Hayhurst on 04.22.2008
I know you have all been asking when the series would do a film noir episode. This is it!
“Big J Private Eye”
Original airdate: 7/23/1988
Regular Cast
Vicki the robot: Tiffany Brissette
Ted Lawson: Dick Christie
Joan Lawson: Marla Pennington
Jamie Lawson: Jerry Supiran
Harriet Brindle: Emily Schulman
Bonnie Brindle: Edie McClurg
Brandon Brindle: William Bogert
Ida Mae Brindle: Alice Ghostley
Reggie Williams: Paul C. Scott
Vicki gives a book report on Tarzan complete with sound effects. Their teacher is still dead as Joan is substituting again. Jamie and Reggie are the only two in the class who haven’t reached their reading goal. Yeah, but this is Joan, she’s probably counting Harlequin romance novels and peanut butter jar labels. Once the reading goal is met everyone gets a pizza party from Pizza Hut. I wonder if anyone called them? It probably would have been the first time in history product placement would have been refused. Reggie only has ten pages left, but Jamie hasn’t started yet. Jamie is messing with his hair again and he looks like Ronnie Garvin.
In Jamie’s room he videotapes Vicki flapping her arms so fast that she starts flying. That makes her the only person that can literally say, “I just flew in from Miami Beach and boy are my arms tired.” Harriet comes to the window just in time to see Vicki touch down. Jamie plays it off as special effects. It works because Harriet is special in the head. She wants to be in Jamie’s movie and he says no. So she fake cries to prove that she’s a good actress. It puts her one up on Lohan.
The kids go downstairs to find Ted on the couch reading. Jamie has Vicki play vampire. She nibbles on Ted’s ear. Hey, don’t stand so close to me. Ted tells Jamie to put the camera down and read a book. Where would we be if Uwe Boll’s dad took that approach? A lot better off. Ted tells Jamie he should take Vicki to the pizza party and he doesn’t want to. Vicki then fake cries like Harriet. Ted is surprised that she’s showing real emotion, but the she reveals she’s just messing around. The times she has displayed real emotion Ted thought her oil was leaking.
The next day in class, Reggie does his book report on Robin Hood as a rap with two Reggettes behind him. I would put him somewhere between Vanilla Ice and the rapping Elmo doll. It’s down to Jamie. He read Moby Dick. Guy chases big fish. Guy catches big fish. Big fish kills him. Honestly, it’s not much more than that. Joan then quizzes him and he doesn’t even know that the whale is named Moby Dick. He usually hears Joan using that term for something else. I’d question Reggie too, but because he could have picked up what he did from watching the old Disney cartoon. Roger Miller as the rooster rules in that by the way. Joan extends the deadline to Monday. Nepotism is a beautiful thing.
Jamie is still fooling with the camcorder. He has Vicki lift Ted in a chair. Joan comes in and tells him to put down the camera and pick up a book. Hey, it’s déjà vu all over again. Ted turns Jamie onto the book he’s reading about a private eye named Rick Savage.
The parents catch Jamie up way past his bedtime reading. He teases that his book report will be in the form of a video. Well, the ‘rents don’t seem to catch on, but my IQ is greater than the weight of Mary Kate Olsen.
Monday in class Jamie plays a video of his book report. He plays Rick Savage. It’s in black and white with voice over narration. He says that in River City he doesn’t go looking for trouble, which is a “Music Man” reference I’m sure they didn’t know they made. Vicki enters his converted bedroom office as the femme fatale. Her nickname is Trouble. That’s trouble in a woman. Her husband is trying to kill her, probably not without good reason. She hires Savage. Hey, if Vicki and Jamie are both in the shot, who’s working the camera?
The living room has been converted to a nightclub. Reggie plays a police lieutenant. Jamie has rented a black man to play maitre ‘d. It’s probably Reggie’s crack head cousin. Harriet plays a slutty waitress. Some kid we’ve never seen before plays Trouble’s husband. Some other kid plays the piano with his fingers six inches away from the keys. Now that’s talent. Vicki looks like Jean Harlow and sings like Jillian Hall. The lights go out and she gets shot. Finally! I’m free! I’m free! Oh, wait, that was just for the video. Damn. Reggie says everyone is a suspect. Jamie thinks he’s one too. She received a death threat signed with an F. Reggie’s character is named Farmer and Harriet is Francine and her husband is Fenton. Maybe it was Fred Flintstone.
Vickie comes back in as Trouble’s twin sister from Savannah, Fawn. She sounds like that one hot hick chick from “American Idol” every year. They all look the same, sound the same and suck the same. And I’m not talking talent. The movie ends without revealing the killer. Jamie says they need to read the book. Joan lets that slide. Nepotism thy name is Joan. They get the pizza party and Jamie doesn’t have to take Vicki because she has a date with Phil.
The 411: The faux film noir episode is another sitcom cliché. Jamie’s preoccupation with making movies is new. I question the books that Joan let the kids read and the fact that Jamie doesn’t prove that he read the book “cover to cover” as she demanded. It’s par for the course really. I’m going to read Bowflex instruction in Swedish now to do something more productive.
