Crank: High Voltage Review

Posted by Bryan Kristopowitz on 04.20.2009

Insanely awesome.

"Crank: High Voltage" Review

Jason Statham- Chev Chelios
Amy Smart- Eve
Dwight Yoakum- Doc Miles
Efren Ramirez- Venus
Ling Bai- Ria
Art Hsu- Johnny Vang
Joseph Julian Soria- Chico
Clifton Collins, Jr.- El Huron
Corey Haim- Randy
David Carradine- Poon Dong
Reno Wilson- Orlando
Keone Young- Don Kim
Directed by Mark Neveldine and Brian Taylor
Screenplay by Mark Neveldine and Brian Taylor
Distributed by Lionsgate
Rated R for frenetic strong bloody violence throughout, crude and graphic sexual content, nudity and pervasive language
Runtime- 96 minutes
Website: http://www.crank2.com/

"Crank: High Voltage" is one messed up movie. And I say this with great love and admiration. It's a flick that revels joyously in being incredibly offensive and absurd, never once flinching from delivering mega doses of sex and violence and comedy. It's like a big budget Troma movie (good old Uncle Lloyd hisself, Lloyd Kaufmann, has a cameo in the flick as a maintenance man). It is, without question, an awesome blast from start to finish.

The flick picks up right where 2006's "Crank" (you can read my review of that flick here) left off, with Jason Statham's believed dead Chev Chelios still very much alive (the guy fell out of a helicopter and hit the ground with a big ass thud) and in the hands of an evil Triad gang that has nefarious plans for his body. The story then moves ahead three months, and we find out that Chelios' heart has been removed and replaced with an artificial one, a machine that's meant to keep him alive just long enough so the rest of his "super" organs (Chelios has gained quite the street reputation for essentially being Superman) can be harvested. Awake and alert and incredibly pissed off, Chelios decides to leave the pseudo hospital/Chinese hooker massage parlor he's in and go look for his heart. He knows that Triad gangster Johnny Vang (Art Hsu) has it in a red cooler and is set to deliver it to his boss or whoever it is that wants it. Chelios calls up his old pal Doc Miles (Dwight Yoakum) who, while very surprised to hear his old friend's voice (Chelios should be dead), tells him that if he can retrieve his heart Doc can put it back. The problem for Chelios is the artificial heart he has in his chest.

See, the "fake" heart isn't meant to be a permanent replacement. The fake heart can only remain operational for a limited amount of time before its batteries stop working. Once the batteries stop working, that's it. Chelios, if he wants to remain alive long enough to retrieve his heart, will have to constantly recharge the batteries. How Chelios does that doesn't matter. As long as the batteries still have a charge in them, he'll be okay. So, the rest of the flick is one big chase story, another race against time for our hero Chev Chelios. Along the way he'll run into his old girlfriend Eve (Amy Smart, the hottest woman on the planet), a hilariously foul mouthed Asian hooker named Ria (Ling Bai), Venus (Efren Ramirez), the twin brother of old Chelios pal Kaylo, a white trash scumbag with a mullet (Randy, as played by Cory Haim. Yes. Cory Haim), a ruthless band of tattooed Spanish gangsters (one guy, Chico, as played by Joseph Julian Soria, has his face and upper torso entirely covered in tattoos), and an old woman that has no idea why Chelios rubs up against her (it's all about the batteries).

One of the great things about the flick is that it admits right at the beginning that what's about to transpire is essentially total nonsense (via a hilarious fake breaking news update). There's no way Chev Chelios could possibly be alive (again, the man fell out of a helicopter and hit the ground), but then again it doesn't really matter. It's a movie. It's a video game featuring a main character that's essentially invincible (it makes you wonder if someone used the old "Contra" code right at the beginning to give Chelios thirty lives). It's a cartoon. It's absurd and ridiculous and, again, just total nonsense. But it's a very entertaining stew of all of those things. The flick never lets up, never loses its energy or forward momentum. Even in its "slow" moments, the movie has more energy than ten movies. It's never boring. And it all makes sense. Nothing that appears is out of place, even the childhood flashback scene and the pseudo Japanese monster movie hallucination (two of the reasons you just have to see this movie). Everything fits. The movie is also structured in such a way that you kind of know where it's going, but you have no idea how it's going to get there and you don't know how long it's going to take to get there. Could the movie stand to lose about ten minutes? Probably. I'd imagine the movie would play even better if it went even faster, but I don't know what could be cut to accommodate an under ninety minute movie (the movie, as it is now, is 96 minutes, which is a good length for an action movie). But that's not really a complaint. It's hard to mess with perfection.

The video game aesthetic that was on hand in the first flick is much more prominent here. There's a great little old school video game overview of the end of the first movie, and there's constant reminders throughout the movie that Chelios is advancing to the "next level," just like in a video game. This kind of thing, in any other movie, probably would have been annoying (like Uwe Boll's "House of the Dead"). But it fits perfectly here. Just great, great stuff.

Statham is his usual awesome self as Chev Chelios. He does his usual bad ass stuff here, walking like he's the baddest man on the planet (and he basically is) and beating the crap out of anything in his path, but he's also very well aware of how ridiculous this whole enterprise is and shows us his "funny" side. I don't think I've ever laughed at a racist before (Archie Bunker excluded) as much as I laughed at Chev Chelios (it's a low level kind of racism. He's not a Klan member or anything, but he's not exactly an enlightened guy, either). Amy Smart, the hottest woman on planet Earth, puts in an outstanding performance as Chelios' girlfriend Eve. In Chelios' absence Eve has become a stripper, working for/with Haim's douchebag Randy character. Smart barely wears clothes in this flick, usually appearing topless or wearing a simple T-shirt and panties. I don't think I can express how goddamn cool that is. I love how Smart is apparently so dang game for anything, including a hilarious sex scene on the front stretch of a horse racing track. She also apparently has no problem being fondled by a lesbian stripper while handcuffed in the back of a police car. And I think that, for most flaming heterosexual males, they wouldn't mind being Smart's cell phone. When you see the flick you'll know exactly what I'm talking about. Just great, great stuff from Smart.

And then there's Dwight Yoakam as Doc Miles. Yoakum, primarily known as a country music artist, puts in a performance for the ages. He massages a hot black chick's ass while talking on the phone, he does heart surgery research while sitting on the toilet, and he gets one of the best lines in the movie, "Is Doc Miles going to have to choke a bitch?". He also looks great with very little hair. I highly doubt we're going to be seeing highlights from Yoakum's performance at the CMA Awards show, though (it would certainly break up the monotony of that awards show). Doc Miles deserves to be on any "best cult supporting character" list. Ling Bai's Ria will also probably appear on those lists as well. Bai is hysterical as Ria, the foul mouthed Asian hooker that bashes a fat guy's penis with a bicycle (one of the best penis smashing scenes in movie history). I can't wait to see what her subtitles will read on regular TV. And Efren Ramirez does a great job as Venus, the guy with full body tourettes (his body starts shaking at random, which actually never gets boring).

Art Hsu is quite good as the Triad gangster Johnny Vang. He basically plays the character straight, which helps amp up the flick's menace quotient. Joseph Julian Soria, as Chico, gets to engage in one of the movie's more painful moments (it involves his nipples. That's all I'll say). Soria is game for it, so it all works out. And Corey Haim sure can play a douchebag.

And then there's David Carradine as Poon Dong, the old Triad boss that wants Chelios' heart. He isn't in the flick all that long, and he's basically unrecognizable as he's under heavy make up. It's too bad that Carradine didn't get to engage in a full on kung fu fight with Statham's Chelios, as I'm sure that sequence would have been a classic. Maybe that'll happen in a "Crank 3."

I don't think I can recommend this movie enough. "Crank: High Voltage" is a nasty, offensive, hilarious, butt kicking thrill a minute that really, really, really needs to be seen on the big screen to be fully appreciated. Like it's predecessor, "Crank" High Voltage" will probably make most of its money on DVD, but why wait until then to be entertained? Go see "Crank: High Voltage" now.

Immediately.

And if you do go, be sure to stay during the closing credits for some funny outtakes and some great music.

So what do we have here? Gratuitous video game parody stuff, gratuitous video game rehash of the end of the first "Crank," gratuitous Jason Statham, gratuitous bad guys in a van picking up Statham's believed dead body with a snow shovel, gratuitous newscaster telling the audience that the movie they're about to see is total bullshit, heart surgery, gratuitous bad guy flicking cigarette ash into an open chest cavity, gratuitous bad guy spitting into an open chest cavity, hilarious subtitles, gratuitous taking Jason Statham's rectal temperature, ball grabbing, needle to the neck, gratuitous fake heart with a battery unit that allows the fake heart to run, gratuitous Asian massage parlor, a bevy of female breasts, handgun hooey, shotgun hooey, gratuitous shotgun up the ass with paint lube, car window smashing, car hot wiring, gratuitous "Mortal Kombat," gratuitous Dwight Yoakum rubbing an ice cube on a hot black chick's ass, a fake heart slide show, car jumper cable to the nipple, car jumper cable to the tongue, funny running, a gigantic fat guy, ass kicking, gratuitous Asian hookers, gratuitous fat guy penis smashing via bicycle, a nasty strip club, gratuitous Amy Smart, gratuitous Amy Smart as a stripper with electrical tape over her nipples, gratuitous Billy Squier, gratuitous REO Speedwagon, gratuitous Corey Haim with a mullet, strip club shootout, topless female shooters, gratuitous popped silicone breast implants, gratuitous Amy Smart puttin' em on da glass, gratuitous Amy Smart handcuffed and fondled in the back of a police car by a hot lesbian, taser hooey, gratuitous donut loving cops, gratuitous Ron Jeremy as a porn protester, a sex protest, gratuitous guy that could be Lloyd Kauffman, a very hard ball rail landing, gratuitous electric dog collar hooey, vicious dog attack with ball terrorizing, a song with the lyrical refrain "Suck my motherfucking dick," gratuitous Jason Statham fondling an old woman, gratuitous Jason Statham getting to be the luckiest man on the planet, a hilarious horse track sex scene that will probably go down in history as a comedy classic, a very lucky young Asian guy, gigantic horse cocks, pixelating Jason Statham's balls, a great parking garage chase scene, Jason Statham sticking his finger in an electrical socket, a great up close Uzi massacre in a limo scene, a high voltage power box, gratuitous nipple destruction, gratuitous gay biker bar, a great hit and run, another street shootout, gratuitous Lauren Holly cameo, a massive head shot, mega barfing, gratuitous impromptu Japanese monster movie parody, gratuitous Dwight Yoakum on the toilet, a series of "Fuck you Chelios" messages, gratuitous impromptu British talk show interlude, testicle electrocution, gratuitous hot naked women, a severed head in a tank of water, gratuitous final shootout with gay bikers, porno workers, and Spanish gang members, gardener killing, nunchuck hooey, head kicking, some very extreme high voltage, and a man on fire giving the world the finger.

Best lines: "Get your cigarette out of here, asshole," "The famous Chelios heart," "Fuck that," "Okay, chow mein, who do you work for?," "Hey, Chev. I'm stoked you're alive, dude," "Don't you tempt me, fucker!," "Just juice me," "Buenos nachos, white boy," "This is a fucking social club?," "No fucky sucky for you asshole," "This dude my Kevin Costner. He going to beat you off," "Suck me, beaner! Chelios is Triad property!," "You like sushi, Chinese man?," "You are my shining lunch box," "Didn't they cuff you?," "Hey, Chocolate, will you get off your fat ass and get dressed?," "Is Doc Miles going to have to choke a bitch?," "I'm gonna bang that bitch in the back!," "Fucking useless. Oh, yeah? Well, you're no Ralph Machio yourself, Chev," "Fuck you, Chelios!," "Your friend has the gay condition," "Chicken and broccoli," "Did you say porno, Ted?," "You know the drill, bitch," "I have no idea what the hell you just said," "You want me to drop the hammer, baby?," "I am in no mood today, Randy!," "Bing fucking Crosby," "I'm going to go out there and floss my teeth with some pubes," "I am shocked to my fucking core. You've got some big problems, motherfucker," "Massive homo cunt!," "That's a dicky question," "I'd like to see you fall out of a helicopter and live," "You gotta be fucking kidding me," and "Confucius says karma's a bitch."

The 411: "Crank: High Voltage" is yet another great Jason Statham action flick that's also a big budget Troma movie (in spirit, at least). The flick is insanely messed up from start to finish, a thing of true and great cinematic beauty. Everyone interested in off-the-wall action comedy sex flicks should definitely make plans to see it and see it now. I love this flick. Now, if you're not into those kinds of movies, shave off about eight points from the rating below. I can guarantee to you that you won't like it at all. You probably won't last more than ten minutes, fifteen tops. You have been warned.

Final Score:  10.0   [ Virtually Perfect ]