Halloween II Review [2]

Posted by Bryan Kristopowitz on 09.12.2009

Rob Zombie owes all of us an apology.

"Halloween II" Review

Malcolm McDowell- Dr. Sam Loomis
Scout Taylor-Compton- Laurie Strode
Brad Dourif- Sheriff Lee Brackett
Danielle Harris- Annie Brackett
Tyler Mane- Michael Myers
Brea Grant- Mya Rockwell
Angela Trimbur- Harley David
Sheri Moon Zombie- Barbara Myers

Octavia Spencer- Nurse Daniels
Richard Riehle- Buddy
Margot Kidder- Barbara Collier
Howard Hesseman- Uncle Meat
Daniel Roebuck- Big Lou
Chris Hardwick- David Newman
Weird Al Yankovic- Himself

Directed by Rob Zombie
Screenplay by Rob Zombie, based on characters created by John Carpenter and Debra Hill

Distributed by Dimension Films and The Weinstein Company
Rated R for strong brutal bloody violence throughout, terror, disturbing graphic images, language, and some crude sexual content and nudity
Runtime- 105 minutes

Website: http://www.halloween2-movie.com/




Back in 2007, after reviewing Rob Zombie's first Michael Myers adventure, "Halloween", I said that we all owed the directors of all of the previous "Halloween" sequels an apology for complaining about how "bad" their movies were, because what they did all collectively paled in comparison to the big bag of crap that Zombie inflicted on the horror movie world with his pseudo remake of the John Carpenter original. In short, Rob Zombie's "Halloween" sucked. And now, two years later, Zombie has returned to the "Halloween" franchise he "reinvented" with a sequel that, while slightly better than the first one, is ultimately just a horrendous waste of time, money, and effort from all involved.

The sequel picks up right where the first flick ended, with Laurie Strode (Scout Taylor-Compton), Dr. Sam Loomis (Malcolm McDowell), and the presumed dead Michael Myers (Tyler Mane) all being loaded into ambulances. Laurie and Loomis are off to the hospital, and Myers is off to the morgue. So some stuff happens, Myers (who isn't dead) escapes from his ambulance, and heads back to Haddonfield to finish off Laurie.

So some more stuff happens, Michael chases a severely injured Laurie down and once again tries to kill her. But then it's revealed that that was all a dream and that Laurie, one year later, is very much alive and living with best friend Annie Brackett (Danielle Harris) and her father Sheriff Lee Brackett (Brad Dourif). Laurie, while physically alive, is emotionally damaged by the ordeal and gone all hip and edgy pseudo not quite Goth, listening to Alice Cooper and whatnot (she's got a poster of Charlie Manson in her bedroom for some reason). She's going to therapy and trying to figure out why she keeps having these terrible dreams about Michael Myers.

Meanwhile, Dr. Loomis, who didn't die at the end of the first movie (although it sure seem like he did), has decided to exploit the whole Myers incident with a tell-all book that will eventually make him fabulously rich but could very well harm the reputations of the real people involved. He's on a book tour, with a major book signing in Haddonfield on Halloween.

And then there's Michael Myers, who has been living out in the woods for a year as some kind of weird beard hillbilly mountain man. He keeps having visions of his dead mother (once again played by Sheri Moon Zombie) dressed all in white, and there's something about a white horse in there, too. Apparently, his "body went missing" after the incident and no one bothered to look for it/him. So he's been out in the woods, walking around in the shadows, having visions, stealing food from Mark Boone-Junior's land, and waiting for something. What is he waiting for?

Halloween, of course. Suddenly, Myers puts the old ghostly white face mask on (by this time it's badly deteriorated) and starts walking back towards Haddonfield, killing just about everything in his path.

Now, there is some interesting stuff in the movie concerning both Laurie and Loomis. Laurie's emotional destruction and ongoing problems are kind of fun to watch. Scout Taylor-Compton is obviously very game here, trying to make you feel Laurie's pain. There's a fine moment towards the middle of the movie where she has an emotional break down while reading Loomis' book. She also has great chemistry with her friends Annie, Mya (Brea Grant) and Harley (Angela Trimbur). On the Loomis side, McDowell seems like he's having the time of his life playing the good doctor as a money grubbing prick. He's all about making money off his book and talking about what happened to him. He just doesn't understand why people hate him and why people blame him for the Michael Myers incident. He tries to hold his feelings back in public as he doesn't want people to see him angry and upset. But when the cameras go off, he's raging. It's a great performance smack dab in the middle of a big turd of a movie.

And my God is it a turd. The movie never attempts to bother making any sense. Stuff just happens, especially when it comes to Michael Myers. Why did he stay out in the woods for so long? Why didn't Sheriff Brackett search for his missing body? Oh, sure, Loomis says when asked about it that Myers' missing body is no big deal, stuff happens, etc. Sheriff Brackett doesn't even address it. And then Myers just walks out of the woods to start killing people again. And then there's all this bullshit with the Sheri Moon Zombie dream that is played off as some kind of inspiration for Myers but it comes off as just nonsense. And if there's a chance, a small chance, that Myers is still out there somewhere (remember, his body went missing), why the hell isn't anyone worried about it?

The violence and death scenes are hit and miss. They're all brutal and nasty, which is fine, but only about three sequences come off as, for the sake of slasher horror movies, worthwhile. There's a great scene in a strip club featuring a hilarious performance by the great Daniel Roebuck, not to mention one of the best face stomping scenes in movie history. There's also a great scene involving a parked van at the big hooha town Halloween party. And the opening sequence in the hospital, featuring both Octavia Spencer and Richard "Tom Smykowski" Riehle, is pretty decent all by itself. But everything else just comes off as blah and lame. When Myers stabs someone he stabs them repeatedly and in incredibly brutal fashion. Again, there's nothing wrong with brutality, but where's the variety? I'm not talking about "cool" kill scenes, but the variety in how they play out. Why does everyone have to die in pretty much the same way?

And then there's the ending. It's just mindblowingly stupid. It basically comes about because the movie eventually has to end and features character moments that just don't jibe with anything that happens before. And what the hell is the point of that final scene? Is it the key to something? I doubt it. I don't think even Zombie knows what the hell his movie is about. It's like he just put it together and then cashed the check.

"Halloween II," like its predecessor, sucks. Like we all owed those "Halloween" sequel directors an apology, Rob Zombie owes us, the horror movie nerd world, an apology for making a movie that's just so goddamn bad.

Could it be "fixed"? I don't know. Maybe. There may be a way to salvage it and make it watchable and worthwhile. But it's probably best for everyone involved if Michael Myers and company found work under new management. Please, Mr. Zombie, stop making these shitty movies.

Don't even bother with Rob Zombie's "Halloween II." A complete waste of time.



So what do we have here? Gratuitous hooey about a white horse, gratuitous Sheri Moon Zombie, gratuitous Brad Dourif, gratuitous Malcolm McDowell, nail pulling, up close surgery, gratuitous guys talking about necrophilia, cow attack, horrendous injuries, blood puking, massive throat slitting with decapitation, gratuitous "Nights in White Satin," gratuitous Octavia Spencer, vicious stabbing, a fabulous chase sequence, gratuitous Richard Riehle, axe to the back, wall breaking, gratuitous Alice Cooper poster, gratuitous veganism/vegetarianism, gratuitous Margot Kidder, gratuitous Howard Hesseman, limo riding, a funny book reading with profanity, gratuitous impromptu dancing, gratuitous Mark Boone Junior, a beating, deer antlers through the chest, slow motion hooey, gratuitous mention of Lee Marvin, potential dog eating, Danielle Harris eating pizza with a knife and fork, gratuitous Charlie Manson poster, a picture of Jesus, carmel corn, a great scene in a strip club, gratuitous Daniel Roebuck, throat punching, head stomping, wrist breaking, more head stomping, mask ripping, mirror smashing, gratuitous pot bellied pig, book reading, gratuitous Weird Al Yankovic, potential Kim Richards, beer drinking, gratuitous "Rocky Horror Picture Show" hooey, a fuck wagon, talking about a "gold shower," more slow motion hooey, hick killing, Michael Myers lifting a car like Bubba Smith, and a bunch of bullshit at the end.

Best lines: "Whenever you look at the horse you can think of Mommy, okay?," "Am I gonna die?," "This ain't my first fucking corpse, brillio," "Did you get a look at the naked chick?," "What's the difference between jam and jelly?," "Nurse, I need something for my head," "Oh my God! What the Christ are you doing?," "No meat!," "What up dick lickers?," "Michael Myers is fucking dead!," "He's about seven feet of fucktard," "Don't you come back here you sonofabitch!," "Dad, you didn't get whole wheat," "A little dead, rotting flesh never hurt anyone," "Man was meant to eat meat," "My God, it's business, woman! Business!," "Enjoy the fucking herpes, old man," "Are you a real red head?," "Hey, fucking asshole! Fuck you!," "Holy shit, dude, this is fucking insane!," "Are you a giant? Can we be friends?," "What the fuck are going to do, jackhole?," "Hey world! Guess what? I'm Michael Myers' sister! I'm so fucked!," "I love you, Mommy," and "I love you, brother."

The 411: Rob Zombie's "Halloween II" sucks. I can't say that or stress that enough. It's better than the first movie by a little bit, but that's not saying much. I'll ask for that apology again, but I know we won't get it. Again, Mr. Zombie, stop making these shitty goddamn movies.

Final Score:  3.5   [ Bad ]