"Sorority Row," an apparent remake of a 1983 slasher movie "The House on Sorority Row," is one of those slasher movies that ends up being way better than it has any right to be by sheer force of personality. Ably directed by feature film first timer Stewart Hendler, the flick features a solid cast, some good suspense and carnage, and a great sense of humor that doesn't detract from the movie watching experience, nor does it take the audience out of the movie. Basically, "Sorrority Row" doesn't know that it's just a "stupid" slasher movie, and because everyone involved takes the story seriously the audience is more apt to take the ludicrous goings on seriously, as well. In my opinion, more often than not, that just makes for a better movie.
The flick stars Briana Evigan as Cassidy, a member of the sorority Theta Pi and one of many unwilling participants in an impromptu cover-up of an accidental murder that springs out of a practical joke gone horribly wrong. The other participants include fellow Theta Pi members/sisters Chugs (Margo Hushman), Ellie (Rumor Willis), and Claire (Jamie Chung), and the subject of the practical joke Garrett (Matt O'Leary), Chugs' brother. The murdered girl, Megan (Audrina Patridge), is eventually dumped down a mine shaft after the sorority leader Jessica (Leah Pipes) makes everyone believe that calling the cops about what happened will ruin their lives and that Megan wouldn't have wanted that. No one really believes that, especially Cassidy (she's the only one that tries to call the cops), but Jessica gets everyone to go along and then wraps Megan's bloody body in Cassidy's jacket and then has everyone else swear that they're all covering up the murder for Cassidy. Seemingly boxed into a corner, Cassidy reluctantly decides to go along with her sorority sisters and actively engage in the cover-up.
The story then shifts to eight months later and the big hooha graduation weekend. Megan's body hasn't been found and no one outside of the group knows what happened to her. The strain of the cover-up has caused Cassidy to break away from the group, opting instead to hang out with her boyfriend Kyle (Matt Lanter). The rest of the group seems to have held together well, with Jessica still leading the cover up. While getting ready for the big graduation party that is the big event on campus, Ellie gets a disturbing cell phone message, a pic of a lug wrench (Garrett rammed a lug wrench into Megan's chest, thinking he had to do so in order to expel the air in Megan's body so it would be easier to sink. This is the moment when the practical joke goes wrong). The other girls find out about it, including Cassidy, who has come back to the sorority house for the final party (she is still a sister, after all), and suddenly the murder and cover up has hit them in the face. Who the hell sent them that pic? Did Megan really die that night? Is Megan back for revenge?
As you'd expect with this kind of movie, bodies start dropping as a mysterious hooded killer shows up. Dressed in a hooded robe and using a tricked out lug wrench (it's got knives and stuff attached to it), the killer starts mowing through the cast, with main characters and secondary characters getting sliced and stabbed. But who exactly is the killer? Is it really Megan? Is it Megan's sister Maggie (Caroline D'Amore), who has enrolled at the college and announced that she's going to pledge Theta Pi in a rather mysterious, potentially creepy fashion. Is this killer affiliated with Jessica's boyfriend Andy (Julian Morris), whose father is a powerful Senator with higher ambitions? Or is it someone else, someone random, someone no one in a million years would have thought of?
The first thing you'll notice about the Theta Pi sisters, besides their incredibly group hotness, is that, for the most part, they're all jerks. With the possible exception of Elly, who is the group nerd (you know that because she wears glasses), all of the girls are rather mean spirited and superficial (well, Cassidy tries to "be real," and Chugs is sort of down to Earth, but then she's an admitted slut and has an outward sexuality that's probably going to turn people off. Look at what happens to that freshman she tries to have sex with). You really don't like any of them until Megan dies and suddenly they're all vulnerable. You never feel any sympathy for Jessica, though, the leader of the group. You want to see her go down by the whirling blade of the modified lug wrench. You also start to wonder why the hell any of her sorority sisters follow her lead. Why the hell did they make her the defacto leader? When the going gets nasty for all of them, how you feel about them in an overall sense will depend on how you feel about them when they're no longer uber bitches. Will you root for them all to die, or will you hope against hope that at least some of them will survive? That's another fun part of the movie. It allows you to root for the protagonists or to root against them. It doesn't judge you.
Now, the mystery aspect of the story is a little better than most slasher flicks, mostly because you're never really sure who the killer really is. I did venture a guess after about forty minutes (I was right), but you're never really sure until the final reveal. That's rare in this genre, that level of suspense and guessing.
The cast is dang near perfect. Briana Evigan is excellent as Cassidy. She has that "I could give a shit" aura bout her, which sets her apart from the others in the Theta Pi group. She's the only one that's going to stand up to Jessica and tell her to shut up. Rumor Willis is great as Ellie the nerd girl. She's constantly vulnerable, constantly on the edge of having a nervous breakdown brought on by guilt and yet she's never annoying. When was the last time you saw a slasher movie and you didn't want to see the whiner die? Jamie Chung, as Claire, is just hot. She's a good actress and everything, but the first thing you're likely to notice about her is how striking she is. And she sure knows how to throw a hot tub party. Margo Harshman is hilarious as Chugs, mostly because she's so uninhibited. You may not like her, but you will laugh at her (I will say this, though. It's surprising that she never once gets naked. With this character and in this movie you'd think that would happen, but it doesn't, Maybe there will be something on the eventual unrated DVD?). And Caroline D'Amore is very creepy as Maggie, Megan's sister. Great job there.
And then there's Leah Pipes as Jessica. She's just amazing. You never once like her, sure, and you can't wait to see something bad happen to her because she is that unappealing, but you do have a good time watching her be a disgusting bitch. Pipes is so into the character, glaring at people she can't stand with such menacing glee she should get some kind of special Fangoria Chainsaw Award for her performance.
Now, as you've no doubt seen in the flick's trailer and myriad TV commercials, Carrie Fisher, Princess Leia herself, appears in the movie. She has a small role (basically three scenes) as the Theta Pi house mother Mrs. Crenshaw. Her first two scenes are just okay, but her final scene is one horror movie nerds, "Star Wars" nerds, and snarky pop culture aficionados will be talking about for years to come. I'll just say this: it's Princess Leia with a shotgun. Don't mess with her. Kudos to Fisher for doing this part. She hasn't been in a slasher movie since, what, "Scream 3"? It's been too long.
My only major qualm with the movie is the final scene. It's just unnecessary. Without giving away spoilers, I'll just say that it's about time to end the practice of the final jump scare in horror movies, especially slasher movies. Is it really essential to have that scene? What's wrong with just ending things?
All in all, "Sorority Row" is fun time at the movies and a fine entry in the modern slasher movie pantheon. It's a rare movie that actually works despite its ludicrous story and done to death genre trappings. I can't wait to see what Stewart Hendler has in store for his next horror flick.
See it.
So what do we have here? Gratuitous massive college sex and drinking party, gratuitous girls writing "fat" on another girl's stomach for some reason, gratuitous impromptu dance routine, cup of beer to the face, gratuitous thumping music, gratuitous Carrie Fisher making tea, gratuitous group of young and beautiful bitchy females, computer sex, mouth foaming, an impromptu lesbian kiss, gratuitous sisterhood hooey, barfing, lug wrench to the chest with blood geyser, gratuitous murder cover up, body dumping, gratuitous Briana Evigan walking around in her bra, making out with a freshman, finger snapping, gratuitous toast with emotional breakdown, gratuitous speech by Carrie Fisher about sisterhood, a hot ass hot tub bubble bath, attempted bondage sex, gratuitous weaponized lug wrench thrown like a ninja star, lug wrench to the head, unwanted alcohol bottle felatio, throat slitting, hot chicks taking a shower, boob flashing, lug wrench through the chin, a scary basement, naked dancing, streaking, beer funnel hooey, scumbaggery, shin breaking, knife through a wall, laundry shoot hooey, another emotional breakdown, cell phone hooey, vehicular assault, a malfunctioning Jacuzzi, scary bubbles, flare gun to the face, catfight, gratuitous Carrie Fisher with a shotgun, shotgun to the face, shotgun hooey, table attack, gratuitous Molotov cocktail, fire extinguisher to the face, a rotting corpse, axe to the back of the head, lug wrench through the mouth, lamp to the head, a final confrontation, a massive fire, gratuitous final slow motion sequence, and an unnecessary final shot.
Best lines: "Danny! Give me my shirt!," "Hey, gimme a beer," "I've just been tested, it's cool," "Oh, this is a bad time to tell you I boned your Dad," "What is this, the dry hump Olympics?," "Hey, roofie sex ain't that bad. You get laid and you get a good night's sleep," "Oh my God! She's really dead!," "Oh my God you've lost your fucking mind!," "We knew you'd come around, Cass," "Ellie, you drink like a girl," "You taste like vomit,” “Excuse me, you have to schedule an appointment,” “Hello? I don’t have time for ‘catch me, rape me’,” I’m gonna go take a shower. That’s not an invitation,” “Hey, Ellie, see if there’s more vodka down there,” “We all deserve to die,” “Mickey, if you touch me again I’ll fucking kill you,” “Ellie, you’ve got to stop doing that,” “Take that you freak show,” “You are such a whore!,” “Hey, who knew Mrs. Crenshaw was a bad ass,” “Oh, no, don’t go out there. What? I tried to warn her,” “Please don’t think I’m afraid of you. I run a house with fifty crazy bitches!,” “You stay the fuck away from my girls!,” “Please, God, don’t let me get killed,” “Come on Jess! Cass! Let’s hug it out!,” “I’m really beginning to think he’s not marriage material,” and “That girl really needs to learn to keep her mouth shut.”
The 411: “Sorority Row” is a pretty decent modern slasher flick. It’s got a solid cast, some good gore and suspense bits, and it’s got a sense of humor about it that’s not demeaning to the audience or to the genre. It’s a serious slasher movie that’s also fun, which is a rare breed these days. Go and see it.
