Jennifer's Body Review

Posted by Bryan Kristopowitz on 09.20.2009

Don't bother with "Jennifer's Body." There's nothing to see there.

"Jennifer's Body" Review

Megan Fox- Jennifer Check
Amanda Seyfried- Needy Lesnicky
Johnny Simmons- Chip
Adam Brody- Nikolai Wolf
J.K. Simmons- Mr. Wroblewski
Cynthia Stevenson- Chip's Mom
Amy Sedaris- Needy's Mom

Directed by Karyn Kusama
Screenplay by Diablo Cody

Distributed by 20th Century Fox
Rated R for sexuality, bloody violence, language and brief drug use
Runtime- 102 minutes

Website: http://www.jennifersbody.com




"Jennifer's Body," directed by Karyn Kusama and written by Oscar winner Diablo Cody, comes off as one of those horror movies made by people who don't like horror movies but decide to make one anyway and try to "transcend the genre," fail miserably, and then wonder why no one liked their horror movie. The flick is a mess that starts off well enough but then, after about fifteen minutes, just decides to suck.

The movie stars Megan Fox as Jennifer Check, the uber hot girl that everyone wants to be and be with at Devils Kettle High School. Jennifer's long time best friend in the whole world is Needy Lesnicky (Amanda Seyfried), a fairly well adjusted but nerdy girl that both looks out for Jennifer while at the same time does what Jennifer tells her to. It's a complicated relationship. One night, while going to see a hip and edgy indie rock band "from the city," Jennifer and Needy escape near death as the bar "accidentally" burns to the ground. In the fire's aftermath, Jennifer ends up hitching a ride with the leader singer of the band, Nikolai Wolf (Adam Brody), leaving Needy behind to fend for herself. Needy eventually gets home, only to have Jennifer show up at her house hours later grimy, bloody, and badly beaten. What the heck happened to Jennifer?



After barfing up some black goo (which Needy cleans up. That's what best friends do), Jennifer goes to school the next day acting like nothing happened. Jennifer actually looks better after going through whatever it is she went through. Needy doesn't get it at all and can't stand that Jennifer isn't curious about what happened to her, either. Meanwhile, as the town mourns the bar fire tragedy, it then has to mourn the brutal murder of the high school's top football player (someone ripped out the guy's stomach and fed on his intestines). Who, or what, the heck did that?

Needy knows, or at least thinks she knows. It's Jennifer. But why? What's making her act out in this way?

Needy, and we, eventually find out that Jennifer has been possessed by an evil, demonic spirit that forces her to feed on the flesh of the town's boys in order to remain beautiful, or at least happy. How is Needy going to stop Jennifer before she kills again?

Now, at least in a skeletal sense, there's a pretty decent horror movie idea here. Mega hot girl kills boys so she can remain beautiful; mega hot girl's friend has to stop her. Sounds simple enough. And, as I said at the start of this review, the movie starts out well enough. We get a sense of the town of Devil's Kettle and the young people that inhabit it. The only thing that's really annoying is the whole "movie is actually told in flashback" thing (what's wrong with just starting at the beginning and finding out stuff when the main characters do?), but it's not that egregious. No, what's egregious, what's terrible, what's awful, what's stupid and lame is the bar fire. It's the first real horror scene in the movie and it comes off so badly, so ineptly, that it actually kills whatever momentum and goodwill the movie started off with. It then actually gets worse.

Jennifer kills a few more people in lame fashion. Needy talks to her boyfriend Chip (Johnny Simmons) about Jennifer. Needy and Chip have sex. Needy feels bad about stuff. That's about the whole movie right there.

So what would have made this a better movie? A different director would have helped, perhaps someone who was more interested in the horror aspects of the movie as opposed to all of the "exploring female angst" hooey, which just isn't that interesting. The movie also has no sleaze factor, which is simply appalling considering who is in the movie and what it's about. Megan Fox is hot. You know it, I know it, we all know it. So why doesn't the movie use that to its advantage? Where's the sexy clothing, the nudity (or almost nudity), or just the nastiness? She's a goddamn demon for Christ's sake. Why isn't she kicking ass?

Another terrible scene is the big reveal in flashback of what started off all this demonic possession crapola. It features Adam Brody's Nikolai Wolf character acting in a completely different movie, a movie that's probably far more interesting and entertaining than this one.

The movie is also incredibly slow. It just takes forever for the story to get to where it's going, and by the time it gets there you're just glad that there's probably only a couple of minutes left (you can never be to sure) so you can leave. You then find out you're right and you're going to have to stay a little longer.

The only redeeming aspect of the movie is Amanda Seyfried's Needy character and, to a lesser extent, Johnny Simmons' Chip. They both make their characters interesting despite the weak story and direction, breaking through the badness and making you wonder why they're not in the movie that Adam Brody is in, or perhaps their own movie. Megan Fox is okay as the uber hot deadly demon vixen Jennifer, but since the movie isn't all that interested in making her truly evil and awful and nasty she isn't as good as she perhaps should be. And J.K. Simmons shows up as a wacky teacher with a hook hand, but that never really goes anywhere and you end up wondering if he agreed to do this movie because he likes Diablo Cody or just needed the paycheck to fix his car. In short, it's a wasted opportunity. And the less I say about Amy Sedaris the better. It's pathetic.

My God this movie sucks. It's depressing to see a movie with such promise and potential go absolutely nowhere. It's such a wasted opportunity.

Don't bother with "Jennifer's Body." There's nothing to see there.



So what do we have here? Gratuitous girl picking at a scab, hair licking and eating, gratuitous infomercial featuring Tony Little, gratuitous Megan Fox in bed wearing short shorts and leg warmers, gratuitous mental hospital, tetherball breaking, a massive kick to the chest, blood spitting and drooling, gratuitous waterfall with a bottomless whirlpool, gratuitous high school hallway walking with people talking and stuff, gratuitous bar out in the middle of nowhere, a "sticker" toilet, gratuitous hip and edgy alternative rock band, gratuitous Eddie Money's "Two Tickets to Paradise," "back door virgin" talk, gratuitous lame fire with people on fire, slow motion explosion, a drippy faucet, gratuitous disheveled Megan Fox eating a Boston Market roasted chicken, black goo barfing, barf cleaning, gratuitous J.K. Simmons, gratuitous Goth guy, gratuitous lake swimming with no nudity, making out in the woods, man boobs, a fried bologna sandwich, a candle light vigil, gratuitous wikipedia argument, talking about buying condoms, clothed boob touching, safe sex, wrist snapping, an off screen death, drinking blood two handed out of a dead guy's ripped open abdomen, windshield cracking, gratuitous explanation of what the hell is really going on, gratuitous "867-5309," arm cutting, library research, gratuitous Cynthia Stevenson, a big high school dance, an old abandoned school pool, neck biting, blood drinking, mace to the face, levitation, a bulimia insult, pool net to the abdomen, gratuitous levitating cat fight, box cutter hooey, and a bullshit ending.

Best lines: "Hell is a teenage girl," "Welcome to the mental olympics," "I like Toastums," "Sandbox love never dies," "Who is Phil Collins?," "It smells like Thai food in here. Have you two been fucking?," "Feel my heart, Jonas. I think it's broken," "I feel so scrumptious," "Jesus didn't invent the calendar," "Low Shoulder are American heroes!," "Do you even know my last name?," "What? Am I hurting you? Am I too big?," "What the fuck is happening?," "Are you guys rapists?," "Dude, that is a hot murder weapon," "Hey, I just bought our formal tickets. Did you make reservations at the Cheesecake Factory?," "Our library has an occult section?," "I'm in my underwear, Mom!," "God, do you have to undermine everything I do?," "I am going to eat your soul and shit it out Lesnicky!," "Do you got a tampon?," "You know what this is for? Cutting boxes," and "My tit? No, your heart."

The 411: "Jennifer's Body" is an awful movie all around. It has the potential to be interesting, cool, even thought provoking, but all it does is suck. It's a boring waste of time that goes nowhere, despite a relatively good cast that tries very hard to make something out of the crapola they've been given. I hope that Karyn Kusama never makes another horror movie ever again, at least until she figures out what it is that horror movies are supposed to do.

Final Score:  3.5   [ Bad ]